Amnesia
by Soulsurfer2112
Summary: After being kidnapped by Slade, Raven is struck with amnesia. She's forgotten nearly everything to her name, including the Titans and the control of her powers. The only way to "cure" her is to ease her back into her old life, but it's not as easy as it sounds. The Titans are merely strangers to Raven, and worst of all, she remembers nothing from her relationship with Beast Boy.
1. Where to Begin

**Author's Note:** Hi everyone! So this is my first Teen Titans fanfic and I hope you guys like it! I've worked on this for MONTHS and I've finally decided to post it! I'll try my best to get a chapter in every month around this time, but since my chapters are kinda long, I hope that it's okay that I don't post as frequently :) Remember, I'm open for suggestions, requests and ideas in your reviews. Hope you guys like the intro!

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**Amnesia**

BOOK ONE

Chapter 1: _Where to Begin_

The second my heavy eyelids subconsciously lifted above my glassy, unresponsive eyes, revealing a pair of dilated pupils encircled by amethyst frames, I snapped awake. My vision deteriorated as it became engulfed by a blinding hue of white; the dreamless state that had occupied my eyes impaired them, the sudden exposure of the illumination stimulating the rapid infusion of adrenaline into a highway of my veins. An erratic heart began to kick my chest, my lungs quickly inflating then spitting out exasperated sighs with each breath. A chilling sweat drizzled down the back of my neck while my forehead was tender and swollen from a fever, wrenching my mind into a trance of delirium. My glazed faculty of sight was disoriented, frantic eyes darting through the effulgent atmosphere to seek dimension. Blinking away a simmering film of salted water, my bottom lip starting to quiver, my chest suddenly swelled from alarm.

_Why can't I see anything?_ I thought madly. _Have I gone blind?_

My smoked thoughts were already producing vague scenarios to what had become of me, inducing my pulse to crescendo in tempo.

A command upon a thought rushed through a series of nerves until they reached a limp hand laying awkwardly beside me. Frigid fingers hesitantly rose from the cushioned surface I had awoken on, flinching as they carefully flexed in demonstration as an assurance of their usage. Diverting my eyes, I watched as my other hand nervously stretched its muscles, remembering each movement that could be performed. Instinctively, my legs began shifting uncomfortably, my toes wiggling in memory of their existence. Adventurous fingers began to stroke the material they had rested on, relying on the sensation prickling my fingertips as an aid to discovering my origin. I gathered up a great sum of the fabric and gripped them tightly between curled digits, my fist pounding the plush facet my languid body was laid upon.

_A mattress,_ I concluded to myself. _But- but why a mattress? How could I have been put here?_

Knowing that every limb of my body was functioning properly to my satisfaction, I thought that perhaps moving around a bit more might explain the confusion. Blinking furiously against the harsh light constricting my vision, I started worming around, forcing my limbs to work together. My legs rustled along the sheets that blanketed that mattress, sticking to the material due to the pebbles of sweat peppering my skin. Combining the strength of my arms, I propped them up beneath me and heaved, raising forward from the horizontal position I had been in, my head reclined on what I presumed to be a pillow. About halfway from sitting up, I felt something that had been attached to my lower wrist give a tug, causing me to wince. Leaning down to peer at my arm, squinting through the veil of light, I drew in a gasp when I identified it as a thin, hollow needle.

It had been properly injected into a particularly large vein and was attached to a tube from an upside-down bottle of transparent fluid, the pole that held up a machine hooked up to the bottle allowing only drops to be fed into the clear, plastic piping. I traced the tube and examined the machine, observing the knobs, switches, and dials that contributed to different modes, settings, and actions for the device to perform. Only after seeing the needle penetrating the flesh of my left arm did I notice another set of tubing that coiled around my face and stuck up into each nostril of my nose. It was attached to another apparatus, this one containing a glass cylinder with a pump that extended after each exhale and condensed after each inhale, the tubing flooded with oxygen to maintain a proper breathing pattern. A clip on the finger of my right hand told of my current pulse, while a plastic band around my arm connected to an appliance, using thin wiring, with a small monitor, reading blood pressure and internal balance.

A complete medical set.

My hands grasped the metal rungs that extended out on either side of the bed.

_I'm in a medical examination ward._ I thought slowly, realization dawning on me.

I swallowed the lump that was sticking to my throat, obstructing what little air I could grasp.

_I'm in a hospital._

I raised my right hand, the one that wasn't constantly being fed a mysterious liquid that gave off a sickening sterile scent, and pawed away the tears that were welling up in my eyes. Sniffing, I attempted to sit up again, succeeding to do so, although my drugged body was too feeble to do much else. The white light had began to fade, allowing a meager highlight of the room I was in, but after sheltering my eyes with a hand, definition was an accomplished factor. Though my vision was still quite blurry, my eyes were able to decipher the contrasts of color, and explore the chamber I had woken up in.

The room had 4 large walls, framing a rectangular plane that was large in lateral area with a flat, low-lying ceiling, providing maximum space with a slick, modern interior. The room was completely sealed, no door in sight, however to the very right, a whole wall was dedicated for the presence of a large glass window. There were three gurneys pushed up against the wall adjacent to the window and each were cloaked in antiseptic sheets, were accompanied by an IV stand, and hooked up with various machines to monitor a patient's homeostasis along the headrest of the bed. Sitting in the confined bed farthest to the left, a tall white cabinet with glass doors towered beside me, it's shelves neatly arranged, yet highly cluttered, with containers of pills dyed every pigment imaginable and varying sizes of glass bottles, plugged with corks, and filled with supposed elixirs to aid a body's immune system. The nearby corner had connecting counters, with small drawers and more glass-door cabinets that were painted white, it's countertops filled with racks of medical files, a scale to measure the dosage of a medication, and technological equipment that I couldn't identify. A large sink was attached to the wall directly in front of me, followed by a partially-opened closet, the inside lined with white shelves that contained more medicine and miscellaneous tools, paraphernalia, and gear that were very similar to what a doctor would use to perform internal surgery. There was a large absence of furniture to the very right of the room, excluding a small keypad that was hung at about chest-height, the same area of the wall sharing the right corner with the grand window, its glass tinted a darker hue so it appeared opaque from this point-of-view. The air was musty and reeked of sterile alcohol, and blinding ceiling lights blared down at me, the white walls and tiled flooring of the room seemingly enhancing the light's intensity. Combining the idea of being alone yet positive the room was being shared, I felt my shoulders sag, a weariness overwhelming me.

The walls seemed too tight around me. It seemed to be too close for comfort. With no exit in sight, being sealed down in a dank environment, yet enclosed in white walls, seemed terrifying.

_No fresh air vents,_ I thought. _No window to gaze outside. No where to hide and surely no where to run._

_I am utterly trapped here._

The feeling of claustrophobia was rising in my internal meters, my throat suddenly squeezing shut as though I was being choked by an invisible force.

_Stuck,_ I told myself. _In this little hospital. How could I have gotten IN here if there isn't an entrance anyway?_

But by then, I had already stopped thinking.

_Little hospital..._

_That's it!_ I exclaimed, my chest starting to rise and fall rapidly. _This CAN'T be a hospital. It's obviously too small! There's 3 gurneys here; only 3 patients can occupy this room at once._

However, it surely did appear as a medical office. It had the doctoral equipment and endless supplies of medication to prove its authority.

_Perhaps it's just a smaller version, _I assured myself.

_Why would I be calming myself about a different location that is JUST as bad as my current origin?_

_Maybe I'm just placed in the Medical Examination Facility in a hospital..._

By then, my stomach had dropped.

_Medical Examination Facility?!_

None of these ideas about where I was had any appeal. I didn't know whether I was being incubated or being prepped for surgery. I was a nervous wreck to find out.

_What could be wrong with me?_ I thought, considering the suggestion of surgery.

Besides the grogginess I was experiencing after awaking from a deep slumber, I felt completely fine. I was petrified at the situation, confused of the intentions of the individual who had set me here and prepared the gurney specifically for me, but my physical condition wasn't at a huge disadvantage. However, just the sight of everything; the disinfected medical tools, the emptiness of the chamber, and the endless amount of white that met my eyes; I became so frightened that I started to back away from it all, moving across the mattress until my back hit the wall. There, I curled my legs up and set my feet on the confined bed, my arms carefully hugging them to my chest, allowing my chin the rest on my knees. After taking a shaky inhale, I meekly spoke up.

"Hello?" I croaked, surprised at how my voice splintered like broken glass due to my inability to drink any fluids over the long period of time. My tongue had lost all of its moisture and was as hard as a rock, feeling like sandpaper in a mouth that must have swallowed a gallon of sand as I had slept.

I quickly cleared my throat and tried again softly.

"H- hello? Is anyone there?"

After a patient silence, I spoke up again, more to myself.

"Where _am_ I?"

Nothing.

I bit my lip nervously, quickly rubbing the crust from my eyes.

"Please. _Please_."

Still nothing.

A whimper escaped past my dry, cracked lips. My eyes leered momentarily at the sink, dreaming of leaving the gurney without a problem, switching on the knob to signal cold water, and sticking my whole face beneath the faucet. The thought made my mouth seem even more arid.

"Please! Is someone there? _Someone?_"

I held back a muffled sob, but managed to choke out one last word.

"_Anyone?!_"

Just as those words had spilled from my lips, the blank wall beside the closet suddenly started to split open.

_Yes, it was opening!_

_It is opening. It's opening! Opening? How could it be opening?_

But it was.

I watched in awe as the white wall beside the metal keypad slid across the floor and condensed into the wall, revealing a dark corridor beyond the florescent lights.

_There was a wall there,_ I told myself slowly, almost pondering the probability of such an occurrence to exist. _And now, there's an exit._

_An exit._

_A way out._

_This could be my only chance._

Before I had any time to rip the IV from my arm, detach myself from the machines, and jump off the bed, four figures, each varying majorly in size and shape of one another, appeared in the doorway. After a moment of realization of their presence, the group of individuals entered, migrating cautiously yet briskly towards the bed I was in, the wall falling from the ceiling behind them.

The group of four stood next to each other, their shoulders lined up, their chests raised proudly. My glassy eyes glazed over the individuals, a passing moment giving my vision enough time to soak up their appearances and concoct opinions of their nature, simply based on attire and physical features.

There were three males in the group, followed by one female, who stood farthest to the right, being closest to the shaded window. The first person who crossed my vision was a young man, most likely no older than 15, who stood at the left end of the group. He wasn't exactly tall, nor short, though beneath his skinny frame, he appeared to be well-built with thick, yet slender, muscles on his limbs, providing fast abilities in demanding activities. The guy was decked with an outfit of red, yellow and green, complete with thick metal boots, a yellow utility belt, and a fluttering cape that billowed behind him in a heroic manner. Wherever the costume didn't cover, it revealed a pale shade of skin while his hair was a coal-black hue, unnaturally spiked for a grimacing appearance. However, there was one peculiar thing to his outfit; the black mask, framed in white, that shielded his eyes.

Beside him, towering above all the adolescents, was a young man of a darker skin tone. I had a double-take when my eyes caught the winking glint of light on the shiny armor that coated more than half his flesh. Jagged patches of metal pieces, tinted a blue pigment, glowing ever so softly, had swallowed the young man. It was obvious that the only remaining human part of his body was part of his face. While his right side seemed natural and untouched, the other was masked by a metallic sheet, swallowing his left eye, and replacing it with a simmering orb that projected a red laser upon the object he viewed. Every limb of his was mechanical, leaving them larger than normal and obviously stronger. Hands with metal digits; boots as feet, which could never be removed; I was debating if he was a robot or not, but I didn't dare to address the young man. With his unnatural eye staring at me while his face held a scowl of disapproval, I felt myself backing away a little bit more.

Nearly engulfed by the shadow of the robot-man, a boy, who couldn't have been 15, strayed behind a protective mechanical arm to prevent him from approaching me, but his eyes were locked on mine. I couldn't help but return the gaze. Luminous emerald orbs glittered as he searched my face, his mouth hesitating on whether he should speak. The arm pushed him further back, but despite the obvious command, the boy stepped forward, a shaft of light catching his face before he was pulled back again. My eyes lit up in surprise.

The boy's skin was green. Green! And not only that; his facial features were utterly unrealistic and incomparable to a human's. His large, pointed ears; his owl-like eyes; his sharp nose and abnormal, jutted jawline, a sharp fang protruding from his bottom lip; everything about him wasn't a typical oroentation of our species. And yet, there he was. Pea-green skin and a shaggy coiffure with each follicle painted the same hue as a pine tree in the prime of winter; he was simply mesmerizing. And what was more confusing, the boy seemed more shocked than I was upon seeing each other.

My eyes only drifted away when I saw quick movement flash beside the boy masked in a shadow. It had been the girl. Slightly taller, her skin also containing an abnormal pigment, happening to be a bright orange, the individual seemed gravely worried as she looked me over, silently begging for a reply.

I gave her none.

She wore a purple outfit with matching purple boots that climbed to her thighs, complimenting her lime eyes and unnatural light-green scleras, while highlighting her slender, feminine figure perfectly. She also had long amber hair, slightly darker than her skin color, yet it was just as vibrant, cascading down her back in a glossy sheet of hair while short bangs framed the tips of her batting eyelashes. It was then I happened to glance down and notice that neither of her feet were touching the floor.

_Wait..._

But yes! She was! The young girl was hovering in the air! She nonchalantly bobbed about a foot off the floor as she inspected me, kind and twinkling pupils growing frightened every second that passed without a word to be spoken.

I still didn't dare to speak.

_These people!_ I thought madly. _It was them. It was them! They put me here!_

The group immediately took note as I panicked quietly, growing uncomfortable in their presence. After exchanging nervous glances, the boy wearing the mask stepped up cautiously.

"Raven?"

I started breathing more vigorously, my limbs quaking from fright.

"Wha- what?" I asked, making no attempt to engage in an conversation.

The boy took a step closer while I scooted backward, though I hardly moved at all.

"Raven, it's me..."

"Get away," I rasped, my breathing pattern increasing. "Don't touch me..."

The boy stepped back, peering over to the other end of the group. The girl simply nodded then glided over to the gurney.

"Friend Raven?" she asked, cocking her head curiously. "Please do not be frightened of our nature."

"W- what do you mean?"

"Raven? I ask you to not be alarmed of us. We only want to help."

"Help me?" I whispered, my mind distant from the group of adolescents.

"Yes?" the girl inquired. "Friend Raven?"

I could only look up at them meekly, choking back a rough swallow.

"Who- who are you?" I asked, my eyes darting from person-to-person worriedly.

The boy on the farthest left stepped forward, extending a green gloved hand. I looked at it with fear, shriveling up beneath his masked, woeful eyes, brimming with concern. The hand withdrew sheepishly.

"Raven, it's us. The Teen Titans."

He gestured to the teenagers who stood before me.

"Your friends. Remember?"

_Friends. Friends? Since when...?_

"I- I don't..." I started, my head dropping sheepishly. "...I don't know you..."

"You do not remember us?" the girl asked, drifting closer.

She placed both her hands to her heart, appearing disappointed to my confession.

_Remember? I haven't met these people before!_

"No. I don't know who you are," I responded firmly.

As everyone around the room gazed at each other, sharing worried reactions, my eyes caught the needle still jammed into my arm. I flinched as a pump coursed the plastic tubes, sending a current of liquid into my body, and I immediately panicked, a hand grappling the needle in an effort to wrench it from my skin. However, the hand of the hovering girl stopped me, my hand quavering as gentle fingers pried my digits from the hollow, rod-like instrument.

"What's that for?" I demanded, my heart picking up speed. "Why is it doing that?"

"I am truly apologetic, friend Raven," the girl replied, folding her hands in shyness and holding it to her pursed lips. "We only proceeded to insert the equipment since your health had been deteriorating. It would only be most beneficial; nothing else."

_Deteriorating? Does that mean something is wrong with me?_

I ducked my head, my voice falling to a trembling whisper.

"Then, why would I need it?" I asked timidly, my bottom lip quivering. "Is- is there something wrong with me?"

At first, no one dared to answer. The girl retreated back, looking away sadly. The masked boy sighed while the young man with metal limbs grimaced, displeased of the situation. The green-skinned boy couldn't have appeared more appalled, his pointed ears drooping somberly while his glassy eyes watched me in disbelief, almost growing in size. I quickly looked away, my cheeks blushing as I felt him watch me. The boy gazed away too, feeling ashamed. After what seemed like an eternity, I spoke up again, prompting an answer.

"What's _wrong_ with me?"

The group instinctively turned to the mechanical man.

"Cyborg?" the masked boy questioned, growing worried himself.

"I'm telling you, man," he told him tiredly. "I don't know."

"But the drugs you gave her..." the girl spoke up, nervously glancing at me.

"They were to calm her down," he explained, also gazing at me.

I hugged my legs tighter to my chest, cowering away from the strange individuals.

"I gave her a smaller dosage than what was instructed, but I didn't think it would affect her greatly..." he continued.

"It's not the medicine's fault," the young boy spoke up, emerging from the robot's shadow.

"No, Beast Boy," the girl replied respectively. "But our friend, Raven, has not been acting herself ever since the dosage, therefore it must be the cause."

"Do you dudes remember what she was doing _before_ the medication?!" he emphasized, his hands in the air. "That wasn't her either!"

"Why, yes, Beast Boy, I do recall," the girl answered, sighing in recount of a memory that I didn't share. "Perhaps you recovered anything from the incident?" she asked hopefully to the masked boy, dressed in a traffic-colored suit.

He replied with a somber shake of his head.

"For once, I'm actually stuck. My lead on his whereabouts had grown cold," the boy said bitterly.

"This isn't like Slade," the robot agreed. "What he did, I'm not positive on, but he had somehow brain-washed her into doing what he wanted."

"This isn't like the time he kidnapped me," the masked boy continued. "I was forced to follow Slade's orders. I had no choice. He would have killed you all if I hadn't followed his orders. Do you guys remember that? But Raven...it seemed like, she wanted to. Slade had been able to convince her to do those horrible things without force..."

"But how, Robin?" the girl inquired, raising a hand to her gaping mouth.

"I'm not sure, Starfire," the masked boy, who I presumed was named Robin, answered. "I'm not sure. But, whatever he did, he managed to manipulate Raven in a way unlike what he did to me. And, however he did it, it appears that it had something to do with her memory..."

Four pairs of eyes suddenly turned to me.

"It's like...she doesn't remember us anymore..."

There was a short pause as everyone remained motionless, their eyes plastered to mine. As my vision skipped from person-to-person, I almost didn't notice the green figure that flickered in the shadow of the robot, who was often referred to as Cyborg.

"No," protested a firm voice. "No. That can't be true!"

It was the green-skinned boy.

"Beast Boy," the orange-haired female coaxed, slowly drifting towards him with a pair of reassuring hands raised in defense.

"That can't be true!" he screeched, his voice almost squeaking due to his early phase of puberty and obvious stress of the situation.

"Man, calm down," Cyborg warned him, his tone harsh and dark as a threat to keep quiet.

The boy refused to obey.

"But Raven!" Beast Boy pleaded, approaching me as an attempt to explain his case.

Before his extended hand could reach for me, an iron grip grabbed the back of his purple-and-black suit, yanking the boy back.

"I told you to stay out of it," Cyborg whispered harshly into his ear. "Now cut it out."

But Beast Boy refused to listen

"You gotta remember us!" he shrieked, almost begging for an inhuman miracle to occur. "You gotta!"

"I- I-" I stammered, confused of the boy's intentions. "Wha-?"

"Lay off," Cyborg hissed at the frantic boy.

"You can't let this happen!" Beast Boy exclaimed, turning to the teenagers that swarmed him. "We gotta help her!"

"And we are," Starfire confirmed quietly. "But we must not be quick; we must provide time and care for the return of her missing memory. This is not an endeavor that shall be solved within minutes."

The boy's emerald eyes faced me, framed by a glassy veil of tears, effulgent with astonishment. He appeared as if he couldn't believe it, as if my very presence was a great surprise. He grew limp in Cyborg's grasp, and upon realizing this, the young mechanical man released Beast Boy carefully.

"But..." he whimpered, his voice scratchy and sullen. "But it can't be true. She can't forget us. That's...not possible."

"It's alright, Beast Boy," Robin replied apologetically, who seemed just as depressed as he was.

"But- but it's not alright..."

Starfire approached the green adolescent, placing a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her, his eyes bubbling with more tears before he peered at me, his shoulders sagging in defeat.

_He seems so...disappointed,_ I noted to myself.

Although I didn't know the reason, I knew that I was involved, one way or another.

And I didn't want to know how.

"I'm not letting you in next time," Cyborg whispered to the boy who had grown quiet. "C'mon. We're leaving."

"Gimme a second," Beast Boy answered, turning away so his friend couldn't see his tears.

Cyborg seemed upset, but he eventually left, quickly marching out of the room, the door sliding away as he approached and then retreating back again once he had exited. Starfire followed his heels, hunched over as she flew after him, which meant that Robin and Beast Boy were the last remaining people of the group. While the green individual kept his head bowed, Robin was looking directly into my eyes, or so I assumed, considering the mask that he refused to remove. He waited patiently until he spoke up.

"It's going to be alright," he repeated, more to Beast Boy rather than me, although his eyes were trained on mine. "We are not going to let you deal with this on your own."

He paused a moment, observing my stifling reaction of dismay.

"We know that what happened back there...that wasn't you. We trust you so much, Raven, and we know that you would never do anything of the sort based on your intentions. We forgive you, 100%, and I hope that you aren't putting yourself down for allowing that to happen when you weren't in control of yourself. There is absolutely no need to feel any guilt. Everything is fine now; Slade can't get to you. And he won't ever touch you. Not ever again. If we even see that man again, everyone will fight for what he had done. We're here for you, you know that, and we want to help in any way we can, even if it will take months if we must. We're going to help you until your memory has been recovered, until your health has been restored, and until we're positive that you're okay; we swear on it. You're our friend, Raven. Our friend. Friends wouldn't let something like this to be dealt with on your own. That's why we're here for you; everyone wants to help. It's very important to us that you get better, not just important to you. We miss you, Raven. We really do. We want you back with us, and I'm sure you wish to be back with us too..."

My tongue didn't dare to flick a word. I watched him, in a loss of emotion, as the boy named Robin spoke gingerly in an attempt to give comfort through his delicately-formed speech. His gentle voice, his coaxing words, the genuine concern and worry that chirped from his mouth; all of those traits were filtered through his speech. Just how he spoke, how he was patient with what he wanted to say and how he seemed gravely apologetic with me, grieving about my status, made my throat swell shut. My heart ached with his, my hands resisting the urge to rub the tears away from my prickling, itchy eyes. What Robin was speaking of, the occurrence that had stolen my memory, seemed to depress him. He was enraged, yet sullen, determined to help. He was passionate as he addressed me, begging for the compassion and agreement to allow their aid. Only, I had no idea with whom I was dealing, let alone whatever happened to me in the first place.

A part of me believed him, figuring that, based upon his knowledge and argument about who he was to me in the past that had disappeared, that Robin was telling the truth, that his honesty and hospitable gestures would help me while in this dazed condition. However, another part of me had an opposite opinion; a bogus story told by a false individual of a made-up personnel.

_Who said he was telling the truth? I certainly didn't remember him, which is slightly peculiar due to the fact that I couldn't recall anything at all. Four people, all whom I have never met, explaining how I was, and still is, their treasured friend._

_But how? How could that be?_

My thoughts fluttered around in my head, deducing crazy scenarios and eliminating unrealistic ideas whether my "friend" had honesty that deserved belief.

_He could be telling the truth..._

_If he was a friend, wouldn't I remember him?_

_He DID mention that my memory had been wiped clean..._

_Very strange, huh? I should believe a boy who claims such a thing? How do I know he isn't just lying to manipulate me even more?_

_But, there's something about him..._

_The occurrence that Robin speaks of; exactly what was it that had somehow cleansed my memory?_

_What could have happened? _I thought hysterically._ What happened that was so terrifying yet I couldn't remember? If it was so horrific, why couldn't I remember it?_

_It was obviously more than just a bump on the head..._

Seeing my mental debate, Robin offered a weak, yet pained, smile before he left briskly, his head low to hide whatever feelings was displayed upon his facial features. My eyes immediately shifted to the young male of green flesh.

He looked up at me with somber eyes before he looked away, huffing an irritated sigh. I bit my tongue to prevent a questioning remark, but knowing that my memory had been fragmented, it was probably best not to argue, for my answer might not have been the decision I had made in the past, a decision that I would most likely not remember deciding. That's when Beast Boy spoke up.

"So, you really don't remember?" he inauired, folding his arms across his chest.

I shook my head viciously, my bottom lip trembling.

_Have I ever lost my memory in the past before?_

_Of course I wouldn't know!_

In reply, Beast Boy gazed off, trudging deep in thought. After waiting a patient moment, he suddenly turned around, what I had expected to be a sudden dash for the exit, until I watched him disappear into the closet. A brief minute passed just before he emerged again, walking backwards. With his back to me, I studied him as the boy withdrew what appeared to be an adjustable, one-leg table on wheels from the storage closet, dragging it across the floor and up to my gurney. As he placed it, modifying its height to suit my needs, my eyes widened at the display upon the wooden surface.

A white-stained glass plate where two slices of whole-wheat bread were perched, toasted slightly so it was covered in a layer of golden crust, and topped with a small scoop of melted butter that seeped and softened the bread. A glassy, black kettle that rested on a hot pad, a mug tinted the same jet-black hue sitting beside it, filled to the brim with a murky, brown fluid that breathed a heavily, vanilla aroma that was vaguely familiar as well. At the top right corner of the table, a black vase with a bubbled bottom held a single red rose, a folded, white napkin edged with violet highlights placed next to it. A silver fork, knife with a soft blade, and spoon, each utensil crafted elegantly, laid upon the napkin, polished and waiting for usage; to be used by me.

All of it was for me.

Beast Boy stepped back sheepishly, his elf-like ears drooping from embarrassment as his cheeks suddenly flamed. His shoulders slouched, his hands balled up and jammed into pockets on his suit.

"It's not much," he admitted, gesturing to the table with a simple nod. "But, I- we figured that you might..."

"Yeah," I said, gazing down at the amiable supper. "Yeah, I mean, I get it. Thank you..."

Beast Boy nodded again, joining me as we both examined the prepared meal.

"It's your favorite, you know," he added slowly.

My eyes lingered for a second on the food before I lifted them to the boy's green face. A flash of pity streaked across his eyes before he blinked it away, replacing the emotion with a delicate film of salted water.

"Huh?" I persisted, suddenly anxious about what he had to say about the past self I had apparently forgotten.

"Toast," he said. "Herbal tea too. I didn't exactly know how to make it but...I knew it was your favorite. Especially French Vanilla. I've seen you drink it enough..."

My eyes fell once again, scanning the table's contents.

_The boy knows so much of me, _I thought._ How can he remember my supposed favorite food when I couldn't even remember what my name was?_

_Speaking of which..._

"Hey," I called to the boy, attracting his attention. "Um, what did you call me before?"

"Er, Raven," he replied in monotone, staring at me with anxiety as if my mind would suddenly click in remembrance.

But I never did.

"Raven," I repeated, my lips absorbing the syllables. "So my name is Raven..."

"Yeah, and I'm..."

"Beast Boy?" I interjected, questioning if my answer was correct.

The green-skinned boy was taken back, slightly aghast.

"Wait, do you...?"

"They mentioned your name," I insisted hurriedly, waving away his excitement.

I could practically feel Beast Boy's heart sink.

_Feel._

_What a strange expression._

"Oh."

Beast Boy remained standing there for a bit, wavering slightly in sorrow, before he turned and punched a few numbers into the keypad then backed away from the door. He took a step forward then waited, the discreet passageway opening immediately. He stood in the doorway for a moment before he let out a sigh, his head bobbing backwards to stare at the ceiling absent-mindedly, his hands resting on his hips.

"So," he asked nonchalantly, almost stalling the mere idea of starting a conversation. "You swear you don't remember anything?"

My mouth hung open, trying to spill words.

"I- I don't. I don't know-"

"But, you swear you can't?"

"You don't believe me?" I challenged. "In return, I find it hard to believe you guys..."

"No," Beast Boy interrupted, growing annoyed. "I mean, you're serious when you said you don't remember me- us, right? You aren't, like, _lying_...are you?"

"Why would I lie to you?" I snorted, slightly offended by the comment.

Beast Boy held back a sniff, running a hand across his face to wipe away the stinging pain he felt condensing upon his emerald eyes.

"It- it wouldn't have been the first time..."

Without another word, he turned around and walked away, exiting the room with the paneled, mechanical door sliding behind him silently, clicking shut.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thanks for reading! Hopefully I can post again soon enough! :)


	2. Too Many Mysteries to Solve

**Author's Note: **Thanks so much for the kind reviews! I'm glad you guys liked it! :) This chapter is kinda long (I'm not sure if that's good or bad, so I apologize) but I made sure to put in breaks. I didn't want to split it into two chapters because I figured that everything mentioned should be connected, so once again, I'm sorry. Hopefully it's enough to bring in a better view of the conflict :) Anyways, happy reading!

**A Previous Summary: **Once Raven awakes for the first time from her coma, she is greeted by the Teen Titans, only to realize that she can't remember them. She's suffering from amnesia and she doesn't know how or why, but the Titans are hesitant to explain everything. They are determined to help cure her memory-loss, however, Raven doesn't trust the Titans and she refuses to believe them.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 2: _Too Many M__ysteries to Solve_

The silence within the locked chamber seemed to have weighed tons. The eerie depression draped over my face like a soaked blanket, my lungs struggling to inhale. The green-skinned boy's words swirled around me like black smoke; thick, holding obscurity, each gasp resulting in a coughing-fit that rendered me helpless.

So helpless.

So hopeless.

My mind couldn't differentiate between reality and fantasy, from what deserved belief and what should be ignored, deemed false due to it's lack of evidence.

_How do I know that the green-skinned boy, or the flying girl, or even the mechanical human didn't erase my memory? They could easily be lying, couldn't they? Direct the anger to another fictional character to enforce belief and trust? I have no reason to believe these people!_

I gazed down at the food on the table.

_Probably drugged,_ I scoffed, my hand shoving the plate away, although my eyes continued to hungrily leer at the prepared supper.

_Eating the food could be a big risk,_ I reminded myself.

_Do I see any other food around here? Just a bite!_

_A bite from a poisoned meal could be enough to intoxicate me._

_And just_ _why would people go through trouble to set me up here and then have the idea to POISON me?!_

_Perhaps a dosage of medication to induce sleep?_

_Good! I'm tired anyway..._

I sighed in frustration as an argument broke out in my mind. The mixed feelings and emotions I had over the controversy were hard to decipher. It was as if numerous individuals of multiple personalities were having a diatribe within my thoughts. No matter what idea my subconscious had concocted, there was a counterexample to eliminate the possibility, followed by another reason to ignore the previous argument. I started to get a headache from it all.

_I'm sure ONE bite couldn't hurt..._

_It's food, after all!_

_Poison! Death!_

_How delicious it could taste! I am very hungry; I could be satisfied after this meager meal!_

_It would be safest to test the supplements for any oddities, only then could I proceed to finish the supper if my normal homeostasis remains neutral._

_Just devour the entire thing already! Who needs a fork?!_

_Poison..._

Ignoring the persuasive thoughts of action, I picked up the silver fork and soft-bladed knife, each utensil in either hand as I surveyed the meal laid upon the china dishes.

_The bread seems okay,_ I told myself.

In fact, it appeared to be very fresh. It's hazel tint and brown crust was sprinkled with dried oats, hinting that it was made from whole grains, obviously a healthier choice, even though it was heavily lathered in a fatty blanket of creamy butter, which oozed off the surface of the bread and dripped onto the plate. It surely looked good after all, seeming to be very appetizing to the hunger that growled in my stomach. Saliva was rapidly producing within my mouth, my taste buds going wild, placing bets on which flavor would tickle my tongue first.

_Just a bite, right?_

_Of course! I'm starving, anyway! I'd rather die while my hunger is quenched!_

_It's not like it can hurt me._

_Death..._

I stuck my fork into the corner of the slice, and using my knife, I chiseled off a small piece of the bread, allowing it to be raised in the air with the metal rungs of my utensil protruding it's skin. I sniffed it curiously, smirking down at the food with interest, my stomach demanding to be occupied at that instant.

_Besides,_ I assured myself. _Even if it was discreetly drugged, I'm sure that I could smell the chemicals by now._

_Unless it was odorless..._

_Oh please! Give me a break!_

_It looks so delicious. Have I ever eaten anything like this before? Oh, it looks good already. I simply must try it!_

_I'm so hungry, I just want to shove it into my mouth! Who needs silverware?_

_Stop stalling! Just EAT it!_

Without a second to waste, the fork dove into my mouth, my lips curling around the moist bread and allowing the fork to be withdrawn, the food laid upon my tongue. A moan of pleasure rumbled from my throat as I chewed meaningfully. It surprised me when I learned how it matched my approval of taste. Just as I had swallowed, I immediately yearned another sliver of bread.

_See? Now was that so hard?_

_Am I dead yet?_

_Nope! And that means..._

Before I could stop myself, the food on the plate was completely consumed, leaving the china unoccupied. Although it was very satisfying, eating the toasted bread had enhanced my body's thirst, my throat now begging for a drink. My eyes shifted to the kettle and the cup.

_Well? What am I waiting for? I can help myself!_

_I'm just curious to what type of drink it is, _I told myself slowly.

_Beast Boy mentioned that it was an herbal tea._

_Oh man, it smells great!_

I peered inside the mug, greeted by the warm kiss of a scented, chocolate-brown liquid. The hot beverage wafted a warm, vanilla fragrance that was hard to miss, it's perfume stimulating another pool of saliva to flood my mouth. My fingers coiled around the glass cup, my palms absorbing the nourishing heat from the drink. Hesitantly raising the cup to my lips, I gingerly took a fragile sip. The liquid burned the tip of my tongue slightly, but it glided down my throat without a problem, the burned feeling replaced with a soothing, meager warmness. I sighed into the mug, savoring every drop of the herbal tea until my mouth ran dry. I immediately drank a larger amount, patiently waiting until it was completely swallowed before I took another gulp. The cup was drained in a mere minute.

_And, just saying, I'm not dead..._

I placed the mug aside and returned the silverware to their original positions, then proceeding to use the napkin to wipe my mouth.

_Well, the food wasn't drugged after all, so lying about that can be canceled out,_ I concluded to myself. _But that doesn't mean that they aren't keeping any other secrets from me. They could still lying about something..._

I pushed the table away from me so I could get more leg-room, my eyes scanning the white chamber. They landed on the blank wall beside the silver keypad, my eyebrows raising in curiosity.

"Hmm..."

Carefully, I began to detach the tubes, needles, and wires from my arms. I pulled off the band and unclipped the clasp around the finger of my right arm. The IV beneath my left wrist had a clear, plastic piping that could be easily unscrewed from the needle injected into the flesh of my arm, which I proceeded to do so, deciding to leave the needle in my skin to spare the pain of removing it. After pulling the other tubing from my nose and off my face, I remained still for a moment, wary that without medical aid, my body could react negatively. Seeing that my breathing regulated normally and my body functions weren't erratic or uncontrollable, I kicked away the thin sheets that tangled around my legs and swung my legs over the side of the gurney, swiftly jumping to my feet without hesitation or consideration of consequences.

The sudden erection of standing vertical had induced a nauseating swarm of puzzled faint, my eyes clouded with a festering collection of black patches that threatened to consume my vision. My head felt inflated, the eyes blinking groggily to withstand the pain of the haze, but to no prevail of a cease. The muscles in my legs felt brittle, a stiff sensation freezing them to a languid trance, only to become limp beneath the weight of supporting me. I attempted to shift positions, but my foot barely rose off the ground, my front toe gliding along the tiled flooring until it caught a crevice between the divided, glazed slabs of rock.

My legs buckled and I tumbled forward, landing upon my hands and knees, abrasions that shaved my skin forming along my palms. I hissed in pain as my raw flesh skidded along the floor, arousing a smarting sensation to occur, a clenched jaw a useless attempt to prevent my bottom lip from trembling. I bowed my head, a few tears managing to escape from my closed eyelids and dribble down my face as I sucked in a fractured breath, trying to contain the drowsiness state of my mind and the rising temptation to collapse in a fitful, dreamless slumber. My nails dug into the tiles and I grimaced, my cuticles cracking due to my yearning for a distraction from the nausea. My eyebrows furrowed in frustration, I lacerated my lower lip with my teeth as I remained tense upon the floor and waited, hunched over on the left side of the gurney, the gated cot shielding me from the darkened window.

An eternity had passed, but weight gradually began to lift off my shoulders, the mental gag that was veiled before my eyes unmasking my scarred vision. I waited a bit longer, panting harshly, until I was able to lift my head again without a loss of sight or a pounding headache to occur.

That's when the light above me blew out.

I ducked my head as a shower of sparks fluttered from the spontaneous combustion of a lightbulb and littered the area within a short radius of me. A clenched hand shielded a cowering face contorted with pain, my heart kicking my chest from shock and stimulating a peppering breeze of goosebumps to prickle my skin. The short popping sound from the lightbulb bursting into millions of glittering fires had taken me off-guard completely, the expectation of its occurrence left me bewildered. As sparks bounced along the tiled flooring, I glanced at the ceiling to inspect the origin of the explosion. Sure enough, one of the long, florescent lightbulbs, lying parallel along the side of the room with the tinted window, had lost a circuit, no longer contributing to illuminating the medical room.

_How could that-?_

I shook my head, pushing off the ground with my scratched hands to stand. Wobbling slightly due to imbalance, my right hand gripped the metal pole that guarded the gurney to remain upright. After a patient pause, assuring myself that I was able to walk, I took a stance and cautiously began to migrate across the room.

I scoffed an irritated sigh.

_Coincidence,_ I concluded to myself.

_Yeah,_ a voice in the back of my mind snorted sarcastically. _A total coincidence._

I quietly paced to the opposite side of the chamber until I reached the sink. With one hand leaning against the wall for support, to catch myself if I happened to fall again, I slowly inched forward, avoiding the various obstacles that intruded my route, until I came across the keypad and blank wall, which happened to be a disguised exit. Only, I hit a problem.

I had no idea how to open it.

I ran my hand along the white-painted walls, feeling the bumps and grooves in the glaze for a hidden location for a keyhole or a button of the sort. I searched for a doorknob and tried calculating numbers into the keypad, each combination receiving a harsh reply of "Wrong Number Command." I even tried pushing again the wall, but to my dismay, it wouldn't even budge.

_No doorknob, no key, and no password,_ I told myself. _How am I supposed to leave when those people left without doing anything?!_

And that's when it hit me.

_Because I don't NEED to do anything!_

I took a couple paces backward and stood directly in front of wall, placing both hands on my hips for concentration. Facing the hidden entrance head-on, I squinted hard in memory, prying my mind for clues.

_They just strolled right through the door,_ I recalled, pondering quietly. _As if they knew it would open to them automatically..._

_Perhaps a repeat of the past could initiate the door to open._

_Only one way to find out..._

I took a couple steps back, still facing the wall, and took a deep breath. Without hesitation, I started marching directly towards the wall. Just as I was a step away from collision, my right foot sunk a half an inch into the floor. I stumbled slightly, nearly thrown forward into the wall. Only, when I looked up again, there was no wall.

It was gone.

My gaze fell to the tile my right foot rested on. Upon lifting my foot, the tile retracted back to it's original position, leveling with the other stone slabs. After a short pause, the wall emerged and shielded the only exit once again.

I sighed in frustration.

_Way to go,_ I scolded to myself.

_Anyone could have guessed that!_

_What a stupid idea! Then WHY place a keypad there if it won't be used to operate the door?_

_Perhaps another usage?_

_Like I care..._

I stepped on the trigger again, the pressure signaling the wall to lift off the ground yet again, and without a glance back into the medical chamber where my captivity was supposedly enforced, I slipped outside and stood in the difference in light with awe, the door closing shut behind me.

* * *

The first thing that caught my attention was what appeared to be an elevator standing in front of me; two metal doors closed shut with a semi-circle of numbers written along the dial's circumference above it, an arrow pointed to a number, symbolizing a designated floor where the moving platform was located. Only after inspecting and confirming the elevator's reality did a sickening thought occur to me.

_You wouldn't install an elevator in a two-story building._

For all I knew, I could be a 100 floors above the ground or 100 floors below the ground, though the sight of the windows at the end of the small hallway suggested that I was within a larger building.

Swallowing hard, I avoided the idea of peering out the windows that concluded the end of the corridor on either side of me. Knowing that it opened widely to a pale blue sky, a large expanse of the atmosphere and a rather blurry view of the ground, and I didn't want the plummeting realization of where my captors have taken me. Just the thought of having those adolescents lugging my unconscious body to the building wracked my spine with a shudder.

It took strength to turn away, to neglect peering out the window, and even more strength to boldly walk up to the elevator and signal for the platform to come.

_I should have a right to know where I am,_ I thought, even though I concluded that I haven't been here before.

The polished metal doors retracted with a ding, revealing a carpeted, spacious chamber to await in. I stepped inside cautiously, standing above an encircled "T" that had been stenciled into the ground as the doors closed, signaling an array of buttons labeled with numbers beside the door to illuminate. One button in particular kept flashing at me; it was number four's.

_I must be in the fourth floor then,_ I told myself.

_Maybe I should start with the next numerical floor; the fifth floor._

After pressing the button, I held on to the handlebars hammered to the perimeter of the room until the platform came to a stop. When the doors opened, I exited swiftly, entering a room similar to what I had seen when I left the medical room, only the door to the next room was larger. Above the door, a sign had been posted for its recognition. It read "Crime Lab."

"Crime Lab?" I asked aloud. "Why would those teenagers need a lab for that?"

I tried to open the doors but to no prevail. The same method I tried a few minutes earlier failed to operate on the metal doors. It had windows carved into the thick iron plates, yet it was tinted so dark that peering inside the unlit room served no evidence of its appearance. The keypad suggested it could be opened with a code, but I didn't bother to toy around with the device, and instead boarded the elevator again.

"They must be on another floor."

I clicked the button that symbolized floor seven, decidedly skipping two floors as a faster progress to the top floor. This time, when the doors opened again, I did enter another corridor, but the door was surrounded by windows that viewed the inside of the room, and I didn't need to read the "Gym" sign to know that the chamber devoted to exercise.

"How big is this place?" I told myself, peering past the glass to gaze at the elliptical machines, various-sized dumbbells, and practice dummies. "They sure got an extensive gym collection...for people who practice kidnapping..."

_It might be hard to catch people. Gotta stay in shape, right?_ a voice joked in my head.

Rolling my eyes, I once again entered the elevator, but this time, I clicked the highest-numbered button that was projected, the last floor the elevator could bring me.

The ride was brief, and as I rose, my stomach dropped completely, a nauseating sensation flooding my throat as I fell back against the wall, slowly sinking. I remained there until I was able to exit, and when I did, I began to walk through what I assumed had been the main hallway.

My bare feet padded softly against the hard flooring, my toes numb from the cold. My naked body was barely clothed, my attire consisting of a paper-like cloak that concealed most of my embarrassing areas, sealed behind me by a thin string, and I hugged my arms to my chest to keep whatever warmth I held. The sheet opened widely in the back, exposing my behind greatly, so I fumbled to close them and tie the string tightly because I didn't want it to open again. Even though I hadn't looked, I knew that the only undergarment I donned was a comfy pair of underwear, but I lacked the support of another helpful clothing item that made my cheeks blush; a bra.

"Just great," I mumbled grouchily to myself. "Who's idea was it to dress me in this stupid napkin?"

_To dress me._

_Which means..._

I silently cursed myself.

_Someone must have...even while I was asleep!_

And the very thought made me want to punch whoever did so.

Instead of howling in anger as a release of emotions, I clenched my fists, gritted my teeth, and began to stomp down the hall, making no effort to be quiet. As I furiously marched through the corridor, bogus ideas replayed in my mind like a broken tape recorder.

_How could they?! While I was helpless and weak? What kind of sick people ARE they?!_

I stopped abruptly and bowed my head as I felt my stomach twist.

_I bet that domino-masked idiot did it. Or that robot-guy. What if that- that green-skinned boy-?_

I shook my head, scrunching my nose in disgust.

_If HE did so, if he so much as-_

I grunted in annoyance, anger flushing through my veins.

_They wouldn't let HIM, right? These people must have some decency...right?_

_How can I be sure?_

I sighed, continuing to meander down the hall without enthusiasm.

_Why can't I just remember what happened?_ I complained. _Why must my memory be so fractured? Why can't I just wake up one day and remember everything and everyone as they remember me? I feel left out; I feel like I'm bringing everyone down..._

_What if it's because of me? What if it's my fault?_

My head snapped up, my eyes wide with shock.

My fault.

_My _fault.

_What if-?_

_If that's the reason..._

_It couldn't be!_

_But still..._

_However, if it's mine, how come I don't remember? I couldn't just spontaneously forget, could I?_

_Obviously, something happened, but the idea of whether or not I am at fault remains unknown until I am later informed. Now shouldn't be the right time to find out, considering how overwhelming everything is already..._

_I must find out. Maybe there's something back at the Infirmary that can help..._

I was just about to turn back to the elevator when I nearly jumped out of my skin as I overheard a muffled, squeaky voice from down the hall.

"Dude! No way! We can't do that!"

_The green-skinned boy,_ I told myself. _Beast Boy, was it?_

Wait, Beast Boy? He's here? Now?

Another voice, with a much deeper and masculine tone, followed the young boy's innocent plea.

"You have to put your feelings aside, man. It's hard for us too."

"Yes, Cyborg is right, Friend Beast Boy. We do not have other solutions to solve our problem."

"You have to understand, Beast Boy. Cyborg and Star know that it's a tough decision, but they moved past it because they understand that it would make it easier for all of us. You need to listen and trust us."

_All of them,_ I told myself, starting to back away to the opposite end of the hall. _All of them are here. Here!_

_They don't know that I'm here. What if they catch me?!_

_Why don't I just make a grand entrance and whoop their butts? They totally deserve it for leaving me like this._

_There's NO way I'm confronting them while dressed like this..._

I glanced down at the paper gown, my hands holding it to my face to inspect the material before letting it fall with a disapproving frown.

_What if they see me here? That would be too embarrassing! They can't see me like this!_

_If they found out that I left that room..._

_I got to get out of here! I need to hide!_

Just as I had turned around to make a dash back to the elevator, I overheard my name fused within a sentence that was directed to another being without my approval or knowledge of its use. My eyes became wide with sudden interest, my ears tuned to the voices within the next room at the end of the hall, behind the motion-activated door.

"Do you really think we want to do this to Raven?"

I gradually slowed to a halt, a hand on the wall to steady myself as I eavesdropped on the discreet conversation.

"No," stalled a flustered Beast Boy. "It's just- I don't want to do that to her. Wouldn't that..._hurt_ her?"

"Not if she's drugged," added Cyborg.

"We can't keep injecting drugs into Raven like that. She's not an animal. She's confused and doesn't understand anything; it's unfair for her. She's got no choice!"

"We can't give her a choice," Robin addressed to Beast Boy slowly, emphasizing each word in a stern manner. "She's clueless to what has happened. She's missing big pieces of the puzzle."

"Why can't we just tell her then?" Beast Boy argued.

"Raven is in enough emotional and physical stress," Starfire replied solemnly. "Even I feel the emotions that Raven has secluded. To explain the information at one time may overwhelm her."

"Yeah," Cyborg agreed. "Besides, we'll tell her eventually. We aren't just gonna drop it; what she needs is time to rest and to get used to things again. The drugs I'm giving her aren't for making her calm down and sleep; it's to help her heal and recover too. She was badly damaged through what happened, but her wounds showed a huge improvement. Probably because of her trance. Raven'll be okay in no time."

"I know, I know," Beast Boy interjected hurriedly. "I'm not saying that for me; I'm just...worried for her."

"We understand, Beast Boy," Starfire's feminine voice cooed amiably. "We all are worried for our friend's condition, but Raven's responding well to the treatment, and continuing at a patient pace will eventually guide her towards the recovery of her memory, and what Slade has-"

"This _isn't_ about what Slade did to Raven," Beast Boy erupted angrily, brushing away the topic.

I flinched as I overheard Beast Boy's argument.

"You don't think that's important?" Cyborg inquired, clearly surprised. "Man, that's-"

"No!" he squeaked hurriedly, his voice full of distress. "I mean, it's important, but I wasn't talking about what Slade did to her. I'm not worried about that happening again; she's safe. Slade can't harm her from where she is, and I'll _never_ let Slade touch her again. I'm worried about what- what happened when..."

Beast Boy trailed off, appearing almost embarrassed to mention it. There was a short pause, followed by a timid sniff from a whimpering Beast Boy.

"Slade was the reason-"

"I _know_ it was Slade's fault," Beast Boy seethed, annoyance dripping from his now avenged voice. "It was _him_, and Slade will pay for that, but I can't even _begin _to tell you how I felt. We were in danger; _she _was in danger, and she had no idea! And- and I totally chickened-out, dude! You don't know how hard it was to go against her while everyone else couldn't. The last one to face her, and I was the only one who could put her down..."

"It was hard for all of us," Robin agreed somberly. "It's not like I feel any different about Raven than you do. We all care about her and-"

I heard Beast Boy stand abruptly, a chair clattering to the floor.

"Yeah, right!" the green boy snarled sarcastically. "You guys don't get it. It's _you _guys who don't understand. None of you do! Forget about it!"

"Beast Boy!" Starfire shrieked.

"Leave me alone," Beast Boy warned them, thundering footsteps echoing from the chamber towards the end of the hall. "I don't need to hear this crap."

"No! Beast Boy-!"

"Just don't bother me!"

"We didn't mean to offend you!" Starfire begged, sounding hurt and ashamed. "I apologize for our misunderstood conundrum, but we know what is happening and we can assure you that what you did to save us and Raven is a truly brave accomplishment. We have so much respect towards you and you cannot think that we do not."

"You _don't_," Beast Boy spat.

My insides twisted with discomfort, along with the rueful girl's heart.

"And don't say that you understand either because you don't. Nobody has experienced what I've been through with her, and having her not remember none of it just kills me! She has no idea what happened to her, what she did, and knowing full-well of it all is too much to handle. I don't even know how to tell her! I mean, she'll have to know eventually!"

Nobody dared to speak.

The boy continued in a much quieter voice.

"I mean, maybe if we tell her now, she'll remember the rest! And, a part of me doesn't want to tell her, to ruin her innocence. Everything about her has changed; did you notice that? Her attitude and her feelings; everything is just so different. She's so sensitive; Raven wouldn't get it at all. It's so..._heartbreaking_...to see her so vulnerable like this. It's just not her...and I want the old Raven back. Raven, the mysterious Teen Titan; the demoness daughter of Trigon; the exotic citizen from the alien world of Azarath. That's _my _Raven! Our friend! She's missing too much of her past, even though it shows this new side of Raven we've never seen. Raven needs to know, bottom-line, but I don't even think I can handle the look on her face when it finally hits her...as if I was the one who made her feel like that..."

There was a long pause as the green boy let his words soak into the air, allowing time for everyone to digest his sense of meaning within his literacy.

"But Beast Boy..."

"I don't want to hear it," he replied harshly. "Whatever, okay? Just forget it. I'm clearly the only one here who cares for Raven's sake, even though she hardly has a sense to care about herself."

"Man, we aren't trying to be rude here," Cyborg explained defiantly. "We're trying to help as much as we can. And we know about what happened between you and-"

"Stop!" Beast Boy demanded at once. "No! No, you don't know! Stop it, okay? You don't know and you don't understand!"

"I'm not being mean, dude! I'm am doing what I can and we know that-"

A loud growl rumbled from the room ahead, and I gawked at the corridor in shock.

Wait, was that-?

"Enough," a deep, scratchy voice warned, which somehow reminded me of Beast Boy.

I couldn't understand how he managed to change his vocal chords to such a range, but there was hint of a young, pre-puberty squeak within the admonition that vaguely reminded me of a specific, pea-green child, convincing me that it truly was Beast Boy.

_But HOW?_

"Just leave. Me. Alone."

Everything was silent except for the thudding of two feet marching steadily.

Steadily.

In my direction.

I barely had time to react before the agitated adolescent jogged up what appeared to be a short flight of stairs, activated the doors to spilt apart, then head straight down the hallway. His head was down, furiously muttering venomous words for his hatred of his previous conversation, while his hands were balled up at his sides, tightly clenched into grey-gloved fists. Only after a few steps did he glance up, assuring his location in the narrow hallway, and the first thing he saw was a lost, shivering girl, clutching the wall, and censored only by a thin, paper dress.

He immediately froze.

"Uhh," I croaked, my weight heavily leaning upon the wall, increasingly becoming dependent upon it for support.

Beast Boy's eyes glazed over me, totally surprised to find me standing there. He appeared almost perplexed as he surveyed my garments and detected my location, finding the oddity of the situation.

"R-Raven?" he asked, unsure.

The doors were still open and Beast Boy glanced back into the room behind him, sending a confused facial expression to the rest of the invisible teenagers before he turned to face me again. A blush began to creep up my cheeks.

"Um," I uttered sheepishly, sloppily brushing a violet lock of hair behind my ear. "I- I was just...walking..."

Beast Boy arched an eyebrow, his eyes darting everywhere. Anywhere other than my practically-nude body.

"Yeah," he said, seemingly suspiciously. "Uh...how long have you been standing there?"

I tried to open my mouth to speak, but my throat swelled shut, so my jaw went slack. I choked a dry swallow before shaking my head somberly, adverting my eyes to avoid his terrified stare.

"Oh."

I took a small step back, putting distance between me and the green teenager. Beast Boy noticed this and began to approach me.

"C'mon," he pleaded to me, extending a low and assuring hand towards me, begging for my hand in return. "You shouldn't be out here anyway. I'll take you back."

Before I could protest, the boy brought his hand to the lower arch of my back and began to usher me back towards the awaiting elevator, walking cautiously beside me in case he was needed for help. He gingerly gave a light push, his gloved fingers brushing like feathers upon my bare skin, yet urging me to continue. I stumbled forward, tripping over the feet that had remained plastered to the floor for so long. I barely caught myself, but Beast Boy reacted quick and had stuck out his other hand, preventing me from falling face-first.

"I got you," he whispered, his voice so low in volume yet sharp in tone. "I got you."

I had collided into his arm, but he was firm and hardly wobbled, so I was able to stand yet again and continue the trek. He quickly recovered me, his hand never leaving my back, applying more pressure as I staggered drunkenly. Once I had regained structure in my legs, I let my head fall back, allowing my chest to swell with the shaky breath that was purposely spawned to compose my tense nerves.

"You okay?" Beast Boy asked, afflicted by my obvious distress.

He looked like he needed the gurney more than I did.

I nodded breathlessly, trying my hardest to focus on walking. I swayed slightly, wavering on my unsteady soles, but thankfully, a tender green hand helped steer me back on track.

"Yeah," I rasped. "Just...a little dizzy. That's all..."

"Well," Beast Boy said, his voice full of disappointment, yet almost smug, as if he knew the obvious cause of my dizziness, but knew that I failed to see why. "You shouldn't be out anyway. Haven't stood in a whole week."

"A week?" I gasped incredulously, looking at him with disgust. "You're telling me I was asleep that long? Is- is that possible? It's not, like, bad for me...right?"

"Nah, you're fine," Beast Boy replied nonchalantly, looking away to watch where we were going.

"But then, how come I appear so...ill?"

"You're not sick," he chided earnestly to me. "Maybe a little weak, but that's all. You'll get better eventually."

"What makes you so sure?" I retorted, refusing to believe his irrational statements without little thought.

Beast Boy simply shrugged.

"What Cy's giving you really helps a lot."

* * *

He continued to guide me down the hall, his right hand supporting my lower back while his other hand was strategically levitating in front of me, prepared to swoop in if my balance teetered too much. The hand that was sprawled upon my behind was slowly conforming to my skin, from hardly touching to heavily pressed against my flesh as I made my way down the hall. I noticed it upon the drastic enhancement of body heat, and so did he. Beast Boy withdrew his hand quickly, stuttering hurried apologies.

"Oh, I- I didn't mean to," Beast Boy swore urgently. "I swear I didn't know...I was just trying to help and I- um..."

"No no! It's okay!" I assured him, instantly realizing how enthusiastic I sounded after the words left my lips.

I ended up dropping my head in shame.

"I mean, I'm not encouraging it..."

"Uh, well, yeah..." Beast Boy agreed with a nervous chuckle.

"But, I- I get it. I knew what you meant by..."

Beast Boy blushed heavily, humiliation obstructing his choice of literation in his speech. The contrast of colors vaguely reminded me of a Christmas tree, and a small giggle chirped in my mind at the thought. Pity tugged at my heart.

"I swear I didn't, Raven. I was just trying t- to help...I wasn't being...I hope I didn't seem so...uhh..."

"It's alright. I know what you meant," I told him, even though my face was still scrunched in humiliation as well. "It wasn't on purpose..."

Beast Boy's green ears drooped, knowing that I mistakenly translated his aid as rudely defiling me without my notice. Although now I clearly understood his intentions, the boy still seemed guilty about his actions, even though he never performed any fault. His remorse made the simple confusion appear to be a big deal, which happened to enlighten me, considering I presumed it to be an embarrassing nonsense that would be easily forgotten.

_It was like he...cared._

How sweet that sounded.

_Yes! He cared about the situation!_

_To an extent._

_Obviously..._

It is such a simple thing, actually. To care so heavily upon the emotions of an individual after an accidental, childish frolic, that could be easily forgiven after a mere apology, shows much more than meets the eye.

_He cared? About what? There's really nothing to be ashamed of about what happened._

_That is, unless he really meant to do that..._

_He seems like a nice guy! I don't believe he had those kind of sick intentions._

_Beast Boy was just being polite. Nothing major or out of the ordinary. After all, these teenagers are doing the same with me. There's an amiable aspect about them, a caring reputation that had been established long ago and refuses to cease, even with the loss of a member..._

_Just what are these people trying to accomplish with me?_

We both finally reached the elevator after our grudgingly slow stalk down the hallway. Beast Boy abandoned me to remain leaning against the wall while he approached the paneled doors. A finger pressed a button in the shape of an arrow, pointing down. Stepping back, returning to my left side, he nodded in approval as the metal doors retracted away, revealing a narrow entrance into the vacant chamber.

The ride was brief, silence festering around the both of us. No one wanted to speak, especially me. The platform fell steadily, settling on the forth floor, a screen above the door labeling the floor as "Infirmary."

Exiting the elevator, Beast Boy carefully guided me to the entrance of the medical room. He had me stand back a little bit as the green teenager approached the keypad, dialing confusing combinations until the door divided, condensing into the wall.

"So," I said with a wry smirk. "What's the use of the keypad inside a room if it won't open the door?"

Beast Boy glanced at me, relieved for the contribution of a snide remark within the awkward silence between us.

"Oh, that? Well, basically the whole point is that you need a code to get in, but when you leave, you need to-"

"Stand on a tile," I finished for him, rolling my eyes. "Then what's the keypad on the inside for?"

"Nothing really," he said, dismissively flapping his hand. "Just to set security so nothing could get in or out."

"Like, if there is an intruder? Oh! So someone could be protected in that room?"

"Exactly," Beast Boy confirmed. "Basically, so anyone in the room can make sure no one else can get in or out."

After a short pause, Beast Boy dropped his head sheepishly, wallowing in consideration of the words he wanted to spill.

"Actually," he added with a hint of taunt to my suspicion. "It's a new feature here."

"Really?" I asked, nodding in curiosity to the knowledge.

"Yeah. The whole room was fixed up about a week ago..."

"That recent-?"

"Okay, c'mon now. We gotta get you to bed."

Cutting me off, Beast Boy quickly made his way across the room with me almost draped over his side. Offering a hand, I was helped into the bed, where I immediately settled back into the plush pillow behind my head, my legs slipping beneath the thin sheets that cloaked the mattress. As my green helper gathered the dishes off the mobile table, dragging the table across the tiled floor back to the storage closet, he happened to glance up at the electric carnage of the blown-out lightbulb above the both of us. He lowered his gaze to level with mine, a perplexed eyebrow raised in suspicion.

"I see you blew out another one, huh?" he asked, smirking.

"No," I argued, feeling offensive. "That just happened above me as I left the bed. I was a little dizzy, but it just blew a circuit, I'm sure. Weird, right?"

Beast Boy looked up once more then lightly chuckled, which made me feel insecure.

I had the strange feeling that he knew something that I didn't, which made my self-conscious state of mind erupt with an embarrassed blush.

"Emotions out of whack, I suppose?" he asked me, continuing to tidy up the remains of the meal he had prepared while trying to hide the cocky grin that pulled back his ivory lips.

"My emotions?" I inquired, cocking my head at him.

_What did that have to do with anything?_

_Did he notice my embarrassment? I make it too obvious, don't I? It makes me want to blush even more!_

_I wouldn't call that kind of humiliation "out of whack" though._

"Ah well," the green boy went on with a small shrug, smiling goofily in deep recount of memory. "It wouldn't be the first time you did that."

_It wasn't the first time I had supposedly lied, and now it wasn't the first time I had supposedly broken a lightbulb?_

_But, I DIDN'T break it._

_Wait...did I?_

_Am I sure I did?_

_HOW could I have broken it? Just because I was near it doesn't mean it wasn't my fault. How come he's so fast to blame me?_

"Alright!" Beast Boy continued gleefully, rubbing his hands together. "I think Cyborg is going to- oh! I guess he's about ready."

He marveled at the tinted window, waving at the dark figures beyond the thick glass. He gave them a curious thumbs up, then nodded approvingly before returning to my bedside.

"Cyborg's preparing for you. Better get you ready."

I nervously watched as the green boy began to hook my body up to the machines again. The clip reattached to my finger, the band drawn up my arm, the IV tubing screwed to the needle still injected beneath my skin. However, I noticed, instead of the clear tubing leading to a pouch that originally fed my veins, Beast Boy had instead connected it with another machine perched high upon a metal pole. Before I could ask, I was slightly aghast to find Beast Boy fluffing my pillow, pulling the sheets higher up my body, and then grabbing a remote with a cord connected to the gurney. Upon clicking a button, the bed slowly began to rise off the ground, the metal gates growing in height as if to cradle me like an infant, while the back end began to level out so I could recline horizontally in a comfortable position.

"Heated or chilled?" he asked me, insisting a command.

Unsure of his question, I responded with an unsure "Heated?"

After another push of a button, the mattress beneath me began to radiate with heat. The squishy material of the mattress was the perfect foundation, a mild warmth engulfing my limbs and providing the ideal heat source that the thin blanket couldn't sustain. I sighed heavily, sinking deeper into the plush bed thankfully while Beast Boy laid the remote on the gurney, beside my hand for total control.

"You okay?" he asked me, his round eyes blinking in wonder.

I nodded bleakly.

"Yeah," I replied. "Just nervous of what's to come."

"Shouldn't be a problem," Beast Boy told me, inspecting the doctoral instruments one last time. "Cyborg has it all figured out. It will be helpful in the long-run, and it keeps everything as stress-free as possible for you too."

I nodded, my eyes blank as all focus surged to my ears.

"Oh."

"But, there's no need to worry. Nothing's gonna happen anyway; I can still see how anxious you are."

I snuck a glance at him. Upon our eyes connecting, he gave a small smile, to which I nervously adverted my sight from, my anxiety increasing to an alarming rate. Defeated, Beast Boy turned around and gave a questioning look to the window. In response, there was a flicker of movement.

"All right, then," Beast Boy sighed, stalling the silence that I evaded to fill with a conversation. "Cyborg's starting it now. It shouldn't be too long before it kicks in."

Sure enough, the machine beside me jumped to life, the sounds of mechanical music a signal to commence the flow of fluid within the tubing. As I felt the cold elixir seep into my blood vessels, immediately stimulating a state of dulled senses and languid limbs, I felt my eyelids grow heavy, drooping over exhausted eyes that gratefully accepted the sleepiness as a treat. The last thing my eyes were able to decipher was the softly smiling form of the green boy hovering above me, relieved to see my retreat to a rest.

"Goodnight, Rae," he whispered.

That was the last thing my clogged ears caught just before the darkness settled around me, allowing my mind to fall deeply into a dreamless yet blissful nap.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I hope you guys enjoyed it :) See you soon!


	3. Denial

**Author's Note:** Hey everybody! :) Sorry for being inactive for a while. I had a lot going on, like school and sports, but I've kept you guys waiting long enough, so here's a nice long chapter (once again, I apologize if it's too much ^_^). Anyways, enjoy!

**A Previous Summary:** Raven is left with confusion after meeting the Titans for the first time. She is unaware of her abilities and the devastating effect of her unrestrained emotions due to her amnesia. She leaves the Infirmary out of curiosity and she makes her way around the Titans Tower, exploring the unknown environment. Once she is caught eavesdropping on a heated conversation about her, Beast Boy escorts Raven back to the Infirmary, where she is drugged so she could sleep.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 3: _Denial_

"Hey. Wake up, Raven."

I stirred slightly, shifting on the mattress to another position, then sighing as I resumed sleeping.

"Hey, c'mon now, Raven. Wake up!"

A big hand conformed to my shoulder, giving a gentle yet urging shake. In response, my eyelids pinched shut, evading the blinding light that started to seep into my dank vision.

"Raven? Are you awake?"

I muffled an exhausted moan, begging to be left alone. Seeing that their quest for a verbal agreement to wake up had failed, I heard the individual's embarrassing retreat to another destination. Although it had been my victory, the masculine voice had pulled me from my drug-induced slumber, causing me to loose whatever tiredness I felt. I gave up trying to fall back asleep, knowing that closing my eyes and ignoring all sounds would end up in vain.

My eyes cracked open hesitantly, slowly adjusting to their white environment until they could open fully. Closing them again for concentration, I heaved as I pushed against the bed into a sitting position, the gurney groaning under my weight. Remaining upright, my legs bent slightly, I arched my back and yawned, lazily stretching my feeble arms behind my head. As I rubbed the crust from my eyes, purple irises irritated with grogginess, I felt a tug on my lower wrist, which easily attracted my attention. Upon seeing the needle pumping unidentifiable fluids into my vein, I released a nervous sigh, recent yet barely manageable memories of yesterday's discoveries aiding my knowledge of the medical equipment. However, to my curiosity, I traced the tubing, expecting to see the appliance from last night, but the plastic piping had once again been connected to the bottle that disposed a clear liquid. Surprised, I studied the bottle, questioning its purpose, along with the machine's, although it was apparent that the apparatus had produced the drugs that had sedated me.

_Why do I need it anyway?_ I asked myself, grimacing as I felt the transfusion of liquids, the foreign elixir mingling with my untainted blood.

_Didn't Beast Boy mention something about that?_

_What? That green guy?_

_He said something about what that guy had been giving me..._

_The- the robot?_

_Whatever he is..._

_What was his name again? I swear I heard it before._

I had been so distracted, mentally straining to remember altered intelligence, that I had completely forgotten the presence of the another person in the room, the one who had woken me up. My eyes caught him, his back facing me as he bustled around the counters squished in the left corner of the room, and my breath hitched in my throat as I studied him.

_That's him,_ I told myself. _It's that robot-man, right?_

My eyes glazed over the individual, noting the metal plates that shielded his body and had engulfed most of his darkened skin. He was patched in gleaming silver armor, spotted with glowing panels that radiated an illumination, glittering lively as it morphed into many different ranges of blues, from a light turquoise to a deep sapphire. I watched the back of his bald head with interest, half of his skull eaten by iron templates.

_What is he doing?_ I thought.

_I hope it's another meal..._

_What if this one is poisoned? I mean ACTUALLY poisoned!_

_Maybe not poison, but there's bound to be more drugs in it._

_This guy is like the king of drugs. He must have some kind of ridicules library of that stuff._

_Just, what is he doing though?_ I asked myself, tensing up as the man continued to work.

I watched the robot-man as his mechanical arms flew across the sterile counters, silently working without a pause. He bent down to open a cabinet, revealing a microscope on a shelf, to which he quickly withdrew and set on the space to his right. On his left, there sat a metal tray where glass vials and jars of liquids were perched in an organized fashion, each labeled in a black marker and sealed with caps to preserve the medicinal fluids. He fingered through the assortment of containers, mentally reading each label until he picked up a small, corked tube that cradled a meager amount of a crimson solution. Removing the cork, he gingerly stuck an eyedropper into fluid, extracting a red droplet that was immediately deposited on a rectangular glass slate, shortly followed by another droplet of a transparent fluid. The slate was stuck into the microscope, and after adjusting the knobs, the man bent down to look through the eyepiece, observing the sample through magnified lenses. After a brief observation, he stole a pen from a cup filled with writing utensils and furiously scribbled on what appeared to be a clipboard. After another glance into the scope, he wrote down a couple more observations, returning to the slide once more to complete his notes with precise definition and correct information. Satisfied, he picked up his newly-finished sheaves of paper, juggling them as he turned around, rereading what he previously written, until he happened to glance up.

"Oh! Hey Raven," the older teenager greeted, quite surprised to see me awake.

He glanced down at his papers, unsure of how to approach, but he quickly recovered, smiling broadly at me.

"Did you just get up?"

I nodded bleakly, fidgeting under the emotionless stare of his one ruby eye.

"Y-yeah," I stammered nervously.

"Did ya sleep well? Was the bed comfortable?"

"Mmhmm," I replied curtly.

"Great!" he enthused nonchalantly, turning around again to face the counters.

The man shuffled the papers in his hands, each dripping in ink from the messy font his pen produced as he organized them. He carefully picked through each paper, pulling out one page at a time from the collage to file in a folder sprawled on the counter. Once full, his hands empty, he safely tucked the folder away in a drawer and turned to face me again, wiping his hands together as if he had just completed a dirty job.

"Alright!" he announced, marching briskly towards me. "Let's get down to business, shall we, Raven?"

I tensed up upon his sudden presence, watching his interactions like a hawk for fear of the robot-man trespassing the defensive security of my being. To my relief, his only intention was to inspect the medical instruments that played an important role towards my recovery. After a quick examination, adjusting the buttons on the appliances to a lower setting and altering the bed to an upright position, he stepped back and began to raid the densely packed shelves of the tall, glass-door cabinet to my left.

"And you are...?" I spoke aloud.

The robot-man ceased browsing, swiveling around so our eyes connected. The difference between the man's one gray eye and artificial, glass eye that projected a red laser was stifling. The very sight brought fear, but also a hint of confusion for never experiencing such a unique medical spectacle.

"Si-, uh, Cy..."

"Cyborg," he corrected me with an assuring nod. "Name's Cyborg."

"Like...like a robot?" I asked him innocently, my curiosity overwhelming my knowledge in polite manners.

Cyborg closed the cabinet, carrying a small cardboard box and a glass bottle back to the counters with him. The glass bottle had a white, plastic lid encased over the top and it probably couldn't have carried more than a fluid ounce. Setting the materials down, he rested his biconical hands on the edges of the counter, gripping them firmly as he slouched his back. I heard him sigh wearily.

"Yeah," he admitted somberly. "Pretty much. 80% of me, more or less, is metal and wires."

"So...so you _are_ human," I confirmed slowly. "At least to a certain degree?"

"Was, at least. Just little flesh and bone to my name now."

He started working again, attempting to brush away the conversation, but I meekly spoke up, determined to find the courage to face the strange adolescents.

"Well," I stalled, my fingers toying with the hem of the thin blanket sprawled over my legs. "Is there a reason?"

Cyborg paused for a second, processing my words to construct his own, before he continued to perform his task, talking casually as he did so.

"Reason for...?" he asked, urging me to continue.

"Why your body is...like _that_."

Cyborg had already taken the lid off the box, revealing what was inside. He reached in to retrieve it and then held it up to inspect the tool, twisting it in his hand for assurance of its usage.

"Had an accident years ago," he explained to me. "The solution was to equip what little body I had left with cybernetic implants."

"Cybernetic?" I inquired.

"Like the mechanical parts a robot would have."

He placed the object back in the box then picked up the small glass bottle. He carefully identified the label, silently reading the instructions under his breath.

"So, you had robotic limbs installed?"

"Pretty much," he said with a nod.

I waited a minute before I dared to ask another question.

"What happened at the accident?"

Cyborg was now busy combining several liquids into a large vial, including the contents of the glass jar he had withdrawn from the cabinet, but when he heard my question, he barely moved. He gingerly set down the glasses then turned to face me, his face stricken with confusion.

"I guess that memory loss really hit ya good, huh?" he said finally.

Seeing my curled position due to nervous antics, he merely walked up to me, his eyes trained in mine, and prepared an explanation.

"Well, what happened was that I had an encounter with something- no, wait..._somebody_ and it attacked me. In the process, it had dissolved various parts of my body, which had been currently replaced with these."

He tapped the metal skin on his arm.

"And my father," he continued. "...the brilliant man he is, created these cybernetics himself. It was him who had saved me, and if it weren't for these, I wouldn't be alive."

"Your father made those for you?" I asked, clearly astounded.

Cyborg nodded proudly.

"He managed to save my life single-handedly," he enthused triumphantly, but his face fell immediately afterwards. "I wish I could say the same for my mother..."

"W- wait, your mother?" I prodded him. "Your mother..._died_?"

Cyborg didn't reply, but nodded somberly under a stern glare. I bowed my head respectively, looking away to spare his mixed emotions.

"I'm sorry," I stammered. "I'm sorry for your loss."

Cyborg looked at me painfully, as if a recount of the memory would be too much to bare.

"Don't be. It's a waste of time to be regretful of the past. Never would've changed what happened. In fact, in an odd way, I guess I could say that it sculpted me."

I raised my head to gaze up at him during his inspirational speech.

"It brought me here. Because of my injuries, I flocked downtown and happened to come across everyone here. If it weren't for that, I probably never would've met Robin or Star or BB. In fact, I probably wouldn't have even met ya, either, Raven..."

I was taken back by his passionate statement.

"So you're saying that because of your injuries, you met them? Those guys? It took the life of your mother, and nearly your's, to find them?"

Cyborg shrugged.

"Eh, in a weird way, yeah, but it all worked out in the end. I may have lost someone I loved, but I gained another four people who I love just as much. The life I had before can't be compared to what I have now. There wouldn't be any Teen Titans if I hadn't shown up years back when we all first met."

"Teen Titans? Do you mean Beast Boy and that girl...Starfire, right? And Robin too? Are you apart of that as well?"

"Yeah! And you're apart of that as much as I am."

"Is that what they are called? All of them? The Teen Titans?"

Cyborg nodded, radiating a cocky smirk of satisfaction.

"Hell yeah! Ya can't forget us. Can't forget who we are, right?"

Although I was clueless to the idea of their group, I kept it to my discretion for fear of disappointing them. I already felt uncomfortably enough with Cyborg enthusing about the past that, without being informed, I never would have imagined existed.

"Oh y-yeah. That's us, alright."

Cyborg arched a quizzical eyebrow and I shrunk beneath his suspicion.

"Everything alright, Raven?"

I nodded timidly.

"Mmhmm."

He shot me a concerned look before he turned around, rapidly resuming his work spilled upon the counters.

"Our job is much more than to protect the city," Cyborg lectured me. "And we are much more than heroes and protectors. We have each other to watch out for. Everyone needs each other every day. There have been a handful of times when my butt was being kicked and Robin was there to step in, and a bunch of times when we were in a high-speed chase and Star was the only one able to carry me along. BB may be a little guy, and although he lacks great taste for poultry..."

He chuckled lightly.

"Man, he ain't bad. And he saved us countless times too; you and me included. I don't believe I have thanked him the last time he did..."

While Cyborg pondered lightly to himself, my mind buzzed with the new information.

_The Teen Titans,_ I told myself. _It has a nice ring to it._

_And yet, there is something...familiar about it._

_Wonder what they'll call themselves once they turn 18..._

I snickered to myself as the mechanical man shuffled away.

"Ah, forget it. Grass Stain knows that we're thankful. There have been times when I've saved BB's little butt and he didn't even look grateful."

"So, where is he now?" I asked, but quickly added, "All of them, I mean."

I didn't want Cyborg assuming that I consider either of them as friends. Not even acquaintances. They are still captors in my book. No one should be held against their freewill and expected to treat their host as a companion.

"Hm?" he asked, picking up the vial and bringing it closer to his face so he could examine it. "Oh, well I think Robin and BB are on duty, but they should be back by now. Star just left to stock up the tower. Been preparing it for a couple days now but there's still a lot to do."

"Preparing for what?" I inquired earnestly. "How long am I going to stay here?"

"Not planning on leaving, are you?" Cyborg teased, turning away with the vial in his hand.

As he gently stirred the vial, turning it in circles so the liquid swirled and sloshed around, he gingerly picked up what had been left inside the box and held it high. Craning my head, I peered over his shoulder to see what he had been inspecting; a rather large glass cylinder, crafted to hold minimal fluids, with a long silver needle and metal plunger that can both suck and expel contents to be held within the cylinder: a syringe.

_How much more of this stuff can I take being put into me?!_

"You aren't thinking about putting _that_ under my skin, are you?" I demanded.

Ignoring the initial question, Cyborg delicately stuck the needle into the vial, drawing back the plunger so the tube engulfed a meager amount of the elixir. Once it was extracted, he applied a light pressure to the plunger, a small spurt exploding from the hollow needle. Smirking in satisfaction, the bottle still in his hand, he walked right up to me, and thinking that he would forcibly stick the shot into my skin, I kicked the bed, scooting away. To my surprise, he instead approached the IV stand, jamming the needle into a small, rubber one-way opening from the upside-down bottle.

"Don't need to," he snickered.

He pushed the plunger all the way down then withdrew the syringe.

"All done!"

I gawked as the tainted fluid mingled with the contents of the bottle feeding into my vein. Cyborg seemed gleeful about his remark.

"Why did you do that?" I asked him, growing worried. "What was that anyway?"

"Jeez, Raven. Calm down. There was a larger dose last time so you'll be fine. I hardly gave you a fourth of what was prescribed."

"You're doing what?"

"Well ya can't expect to live without nutrients, right?"

"That was...?"

"I got things taken care of, Raven. You can trust me. I've got you monitored 24/7. Everything you're hooked up to will signal an alarm if anything went wrong. I haven't left ya alone for more than 3 hours. You seriously think we want anything bad to happen to you?"

He walked away, gathering supplies to sterilize the needle.

"Of course not! I understand that you're stressed but you're a little paranoid too, huh?"

"I'm not paranoid!" I screeched, balling my fists. "I don't know _any_ of you. And you really think that I'm just going to let complete strangers do these- these _things_ to me without my permission?"

"We aren't strangers, Raven. We're your friends. You just don't remember us."

"And why is that?" I sneered, crossing my arms.

Cyborg looked momentarily flustered as he rubbed the back of his neck.

_Now it's MY turn to smirk!_ I thought triumphantly.

"It's hard to explain," he told me.

"Who cares? I want to know."

"Now isn't a good time. You won't understand."

"I still want to know."

"Another time, Raven. I've got more stuff that we need to start soon."

"I'm not agreeing to anymore tests," I replied in a dark tone.

"No, these aren't tests, and that's fine. I won't make you do anything that you don't want-"

"Good! Now, let me go. I want to get out of here."

"I can't do that for ya, Raven."

"Will you do _anything_ for me that won't make me upset?!" I exclaimed.

"We got food," Cyborg offered, hiding a laugh.

I noticeably rolled my eyes.

"I'm serious."

"Look, I've told you before; you can't leave. I'm not forcing you to undergo tests but you just can't. It's not safe for you. We're doing what's best."

"I want to _leave_ this place! Can't you see that?!"

"Raven..."

"I don't want anything to do with you crazy people! I want to get out of here but all I get are these vague responses that only confuse me more!"

"Raven!"

"You aren't my friends, I don't know you guys, and it's all _your_ fault that I couldn't even remember my own name! I don't even _think_ that's my name! _Why_ should I trust _any_ of you?!"

"Chill, Raven! Before you-"

"And STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

I was immediately interrupted by a shrill popping sound, followed by the twinkling of glass. I flinched and cowered away while Cyborg jumped himself, his eyes wide with surprise. Peeking through my fingers, I scanned the room for the source of the involuntary explosion, however, after watching Cyborg take a few paces back, his face ducked to the floor and his empty hands in the air, I knew what had broken.

* * *

Leaning over, I gazed down at the floor, investigating the small pile of glass debris that was littered among the tiled ground. Scattered bits of the tube landed inches from me, the medicinal juices within the container festering into a small puddle by Cyborg's large metal boots. After a few moments of silence, the mechanical man raised his head to face me, pouting in frustration.

"See that?" he asked me, gesturing to the carnage of the vial. "_That's_ what happens when you don't control yourself. If ya get any madder, this room could go into flames!"

"Wait," I said, sarcasm dripping in my tone. "You think that _I_ did that? When I wasn't even near you?"

"Man, did you see how that glass exploded? It had your name written all over it!"

"I didn't do that! I didn't swipe that stupid vial out of your hand. I was sitting here the whole time!"

"You're distracted by your emotions, that's why," Cyborg explained in a deadly voice. "You gotta get a hold of yourself. You need to chill out!"

"I said-!"

"Raven," Cyborg continued, eyeing me suspiciously. "I know, I know, but you have to trust me on this. Don't be ranting like that again. It's too dangerous. That lightbulb could have short-circuited the whole room. Everything could go down! Just be calm right now, until we can get things figured out."

"But, I didn't do that," I protested. "I didn't break that vial and the lightbulb just blew out on it's own. It wasn't me!"

"I believe you," Cyborg assured me, suddenly understanding. "But you are unstable now, and we got that figured out. We now have more things to be careful about."

He began to frantically dart around the room, preparing to solve the numerous hazards that had recently appeared. Metal fingers flew along the keypad beside the hidden doorframe, a message heeding the door's security in flashing capitals on the tiny screen. He then dashed to the closet, retrieving what seemed like an upgraded vacuum, and setting it beside the cracked debris of the glass vial. Standing up straighter, Cyborg surprised me when he flipped open a small, yellow-and-black circular device from his pocket, bringing it closer to his face to inspect. He supposedly pressed a few buttons, to which a faint white light began to glow and light up his mechanical face. Cyborg spoke confidentially into the tiny gadget, looking highly concerned after a patient pause.

"Robin," he commanded to the handheld object.

"Cyborg?" asked a voice raised in question.

I assumed it was Robin's.

"Man," Cyborg replied worriedly. "It's already happening."

"What do you mean?" Robin inquired. "Is Raven alright? Is she safe?"

"Safe? Yeah. Just locked up to be sure, but it's already a problem. She's starting to get out of hand."

"Resisting much?"

"Nah. But she has no idea how much she can influence, and she already broke the lightbulb and now a vial that I was using. Shattered everywhere. It's going to be a larger problem if we don't do anything."

"Yeah, Beast Boy told me about the lightbulb, but I never got the chance to see the security footage."

"Anything could happen if her emotions become too strained. It's a big risk, Robin. It's going to be harder to keep her calm. She acts like she doesn't even know what she is capable of, and she surely believes that it wasn't her fault. I think that maybe the amnesia made her forget more than just us..."

"You really think so?"

"Oh, it's clear. She doesn't remember anything beyond our names. She hasn't tried to meditate or even hold back on her anger, and man, she really is unhappy. I hate to see her like this..."

Cyborg glanced at me, and seeing how intently I had been listening to their conversation, he reeled a bit, feeling uncomfortable to be talking about such discreet topics in my presence.

"Me and Beast Boy are wrapping things up," Robin alerted him. "We picked up another crime just a little south from here and we decided to quickly take care of it before we head back."

"Yeah. Sounds good, man."

"Right. Robin, out."

Cyborg shut off the telephone-like piece of equipment and pocketed the device, then sighed wearily, staring down at the pile of trash. His eyes flicked to my figure before looking away.

"Sorry about that," he apologized woefully. "I'm going to wait until Robin, BB, and Star show up before we continue with anything. I've decided to make changes to the plans for today."

Seeing how I flustered on the impulse of a reply, Cyborg continued in a beckoning, friendly voice.

"In the meantime, are ya hungry?"

* * *

10 minutes later, Cyborg and I were engaged in a timid yet intriguing conversation. He was bent over, kneeling to the floor as he cleaned up the mess, while I remained reclined on the gurney. The table was pulled up once more, neatly prepared with matching dishes and the vase holding the singular crimson rose, the same one Beast Boy had brought me the other day. I dug hungrily into the meal, occasionally sipping the herbal tea from a cup that held a meager serving of the steaming liquid.

"So, this is your sandwich?" I asked him between chews, holding the food in my cheek to speak.

Cyborg nodded enthusiastically.

"Yup! That's a nice turkey sub, eh? Added extra lettuce and tomatoes too; my favorite. Nothing like a drizzle of mustard to top it off!"

"No kidding," I said, in a lower voice, my mouth stealing another bite of the supper. "Not bad at all," I remarked.

"I make a mean sandwich," Cyborg boasted playfully, using the vacuum to suck up the hazardous fragments of glass that littered the tiled floor. "I also make the best pancakes, and my bacon is _way_ better than that Grass Stain's tofu crap."

"_Tow_-foo?" I told him, raising a suspicious eyebrow.

"Ah, nothing," the mechanical man dismissed. "BB is a vegan, which makes sense I guess, but I personally would make an exception for meat. Ain't nobody can give up bacon after their first taste."

"I don't think I've had it before," I told him earnestly, taking a ginger sip of the vanilla tea to drain the crumbs and remains of the sandwich.

"Well, someday I'll make some for ya!" Cyborg replied cheerfully. "Make ya the biggest batch of bacon ever; won't be hungry for months."

I laughed lightly, finding the genuine humor in his pleased voice, the gentle and amiable words that he produced from his lips.

"I'd like that," I said, smiling lightly, feeling almost comfortable with him.

Cyborg winked at me, continuing to work when he was interrupted by movement behind him. We both looked up, surprised to see that the door had opened, revealing the two other teenagers from the group of four.

"Cyborg," the masked adolescent beckoned, entering quickly.

I took note at the medium-sized cardboard box that Robin held.

His sight caught the mess and he grimaced, a wave of worry flooding my mind as I watched him take in the scene.

"Hey, man," Cyborg sighed, standing to meet him as he brushed his hands off. "Just cleaning up here."

"Is Raven okay? Did anything happen while me and Beast Boy were gone?"

"Got some food into her, and besides this crap, she's fine."

"Great," Robin enthused, looking relieved. "But, listen to this: about the crime I went to..."

I had been listening to their conversation when the next individual, who had accompanied Robin, approached me. To my surprise, it wasn't Beast Boy, but instead the girl; the only female from the group of teenagers.

"Hello, Friend Raven!" she greeted cheerfully, flying up towards me.

I nearly choked as I roughly swallowed the food I had in my mouth.

"Oh, uh, hi..." I replied, slightly confused, constantly eyeing the distance her feet levitated from the floor.

"Comparing your wellness and expressions from the previous day, I can already witness a remarkable improvement!" she exclaimed, bouncing with joy as she twirled around in the air. "Tell me, do you remember much else?"

"Ummm, Starfire, right?" I asked her, teetering on the edge of confidence.

"Oh, joy! A great start towards a fully-restored health!"

"Uhhh, if you say so..."

"While you had been resting, I have taken care of special preparations for you," she informed me, grinning happily. "All is nearly finished!"

"Preparations?"

"Oh, yes! Yes, what a glorious day it will be! Perhaps the day's activities that I have arranged could restore your loss of memory!"

"But in the meantime," Robin continued, approaching Stafire from behind. "We have some things to show you."

With the dishes cleared, the table once again pulled away to make room, the three teenagers all gathered around the gurney with Robin closest to my right, and Starfire and Cyborg huddle at the opposite end of the bed. The cardboard box that I had seen earlier had been placed at my feet, far away enough that I wasn't able to peek inside. My insides were already squirming.

"So, uh, I heard about what happened," Robin chatted casually, his hand resting on the lid of the box.

"Oh," I replied, my eyes drifting nervously towards his gloved hand.

"Well, we all knew what was going on," Robin informed me, turning back to face his other companions for approval, for which they nodded. "And we actually had a couple ideas that we thought could help restore your missing memory, or maybe stimulate a few back."

I turned to face him.

"How so?" I inquired, growing interested.

In response, Robin patting the box lightly.

"Maybe these could help..."

Robin reached inside, fumbling with the contents, until he withdrew a large rectangular object. He passed it to me, where I hesitantly took a hold of it and realized, upon inspecting the withering, yellowed pages encased in a tattered gray cover, strange lyrical letters sprawled all over it's front, that it was a novel. I broke open the shabby book, randomly flipping through torn pages to read the delicately-written, cursive handwriting that I couldn't translate. My fingers glided along the wrinkled paper, my eyes eating up stenciled images and curious names.

"What do you think?" Robin asked me, hinting for me to remember.

"It's..._almost_ recognizable," I admitted, scanning through the novel. "But, I can't identify anything. These words..."

I gestured to the endless paragraphs, then to the precise, graphic drawings that had been doodled in slightly smeared ink.

"I know I've read them before. And these pictures...I've seen them also."

"That's your book of Azar," Cyborg told me, gesturing to the aging novel. "We weren't quite sure what it was for, but we knew enough from seeing ya read it that it meant a lot to you."

"I know I've seen this before..." I whispered, my fingers toying with the crumbled edges of the paper.

"I presumed that it had been a book of spells," Starfire added. "You had referenced it many times when unknown sorcery was required."

"Sorcery? You mean like, _magic_?"

I snorted.

"Why would I do that?"

"That's what you can do," Cyborg interrupted as Robin was gently retrieving the book from my hands. "That's your power. What makes you, _you_!"

"I don't get it," I responded lamely. "But, why sorcery? Why would that book be mine?"

"Erm, we should move on," Robin told me, shaking his head at a confused Cyborg, and although he never took an answer, Robin resumed plunging into the box to dig out another artifact.

I pouted and crossed my arms.

"You're not telling me everything," I accused him.

"Another time, Raven," Starfire assured me in a friendly voice. "But the next item is important as well."

Robin pulled out another object, gingerly handing it to me as if it were made of glass. In fact, a part of it was made of polished glass. Judging by the long gray handle, the shaded frames surrounding a reflective glass, and the two red jewels that were similar to my chakra, I could easily tell that it was a mirror.

_A very strange one, indeed._

I peered into the beauty tool, squinting hard at the glass, bewildered that such a mirror lacked the luster to produce an image. As I gazed into the smog, a sudden hand on my shoulder stopped me, causing me to flinch from the unexpected interaction.

"Oh no," Robin punished me, as if I had done something wrong. "You aren't going in there just yet."

"In what?"

"Hey! Be careful with that thing!" Cyborg exclaimed as Robin reached for the spiked mirror. "Last thing we need is Raven in another trance or you in another dimension."

"What do you mean by that?" I demanded, glaring at the both of them as Robin safely tucked the object away.

"The mirror belongs to your collections of demonic relics and extensive sorcery novels," Starfire confirmed.

"So you're suggesting that the mirror is somehow magical?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"Maybe not magic," Cyborg admitted. "But if we play with that thing anymore, and if something happens, no one could come to our rescue."

"So what can that mirror do, then?" I insisted, crossing my arms.

"That's not important right now," Robin hushed me. "The whole point was that you get a feel for these things. Like a jump-start to your missing memory or something."

I shook my head.

"They're familiar, but nothing comes to mind."

"Well, that's not all I have to show."

"Wait, there's more?"

Robin slid the box towards me, to which I immediately peered inside due to curiosity. My eyes went wide upon examining the cluttered contents.

There were stacks of novels and informational books with worn bindings; small, oddly-shaped and heavily-tinted jugs and bottles; a lifelike sculpture of a human skull; a small, glass orb seated upon a triangular stand, colorless smoke swirling within the transparent sphere; half-melted wax candles smelted into dusky hues, their burnt wicks nearly shaved to its end; a small, weathered chest sealed with a rusting, brass lock; a fairly large, heavily ticking pocket-watch on a gold chain; a scratched, silver goblet rimmed with a thin strip of gold around its circular perimeter.

My eyes couldn't mistake the large heap of valuables as I visually sorted through them.

The box was brimming with all sorts of delicate collectables and unique antiques from different origins but pertain to a similar topic. There were rusting trinkets, aging relics, disintegrating ruins, and rare trophies from distant origins; a prize not one other person could own. Gazing down, my hand glided along the pile, shifting through a couple objects and fingering a few that caught my eye. There was one factor about each valuable that produced curiosity; they were all old in a way. Whether they were morphing into dust, falling apart upon the slightest contact, or heavily worn and dented, none resembled youth in any way.

It easily conjured thoughts.

"Woah," I whispered under my breath. "They look so..._primitive_."

"They're all your's," Cyborg said to me.

"All mine? Even that skull-thing? I owned a human skull?"

Robin shrugged, a sly smile on his face.

"Yeah, I guess so! Don't act confused either since we never understood how or why it had been in your room, but you had it, alright."

"Weird," I muttered, sitting back. "This honestly doesn't explain much, except that I had these things, but I don't know why."

"They all belonged to you," Cyborg ensured me. "Many of these were your prized possessions. A couple of these were stowed away on your shelves while others were kept in secret compartments. Even though your room wasn't like a museum or anything."

"Considering many of these had been treasured, we knew they must have had a lot of meaning," Starfire explained to me. "You did contain a fondness for collectible artifacts pertaining to sorcery and witchcraft."

"Magic-stuff?" I suggested.

"Precisely!"

I gently pushed the box away and leaned against the pillow. I protectively hugged my knees into my body.

"Look, I see how you guys are trying to help...but, none of this is making any sense," I confessed.

"We knew that you wouldn't get it at first glance," Robin assured me. "We figured it wouldn't come back instantly."

"No!" I said hurriedly. "I mean it doesn't sound right. It doesn't seem...logical. None of it is. None of you guys are either. I just don't believe it."

"Not exactly," Cyborg agreed. "But it's what brought us together; the Teen Titans. None of us are normal in a sense. We're all different."

"But it's unbelievable! Look at you!"

I pointed to Cyborg.

"Your name says it all! You're some kind of _freaky_ half-robot man made of metal! And she's this green-eyed, tangerine girl who is flying, I mean_ really_ flying, and you?"

I turned to Robin.

"I- I don't even know why...but you're just here! But you're obviously not normal either. You're all messed up. Something's terribly wrong. You guys just creep me out!"

"That's enough, Raven," Cyborg chided me, standing up to leave.

Robin approached to place an assuring hand on my arm, but as his gloved fingers contacted my skin, I vigorously pulled away, glaring at him before retreating my sight to the wall, ignoring their presence. Hurt, Robin backed away, begging his companions for help, who failed to provide any assistance.

"I think it's time for Raven to rest a bit," Robin tried hesitantly. "C'mon, Titans. Let's go."

I muttered a reply, turning away as Cyborg and Robin left the infirmary without another word, but Starfire floated right up to me. She was nervous but determined to speak.

"Rest, Friend Raven," she spoke to me, leaning closer so I'd be forced to listen. "What you require most is a period of sleep."

"I'm not tired," I scoffed, turning away.

I was vaguely reminded of how I sounded like a crabby child after hearing their sleep schedule, which only made me pout more.

"Robin will be commencing the dosage soon. It is best that you prepare."

"I can fall asleep on my own time. I don't need to be drugged again."

Ignoring my argument, Starfire began to coax me under the sheets, to which I solemnly obeyed. She adjusted the bed, made sure to insert and check all of the medical instruments, and removed the box from the foot of the gurney and out of the way. She nodded at the darkened glass then flew over to me.

"When you wake, it shall be a glorious day, Raven. You will enjoy what there is to come."

"Can't wait," I replied sarcastically.

However, the strange girl never seemed to detect my sarcasm and took up on my response literally. She then twirled in the air playfully, giggling like an eager girl awaiting a present.

"I shall come to meet you in the morning, then! Sleep in a tight form and don't allow the bugs of the bed to bite you!"

I scrunched my nose, choking back a laugh that followed my confusion.

"Wait, the_ what_ again? Huh?"

Starfire only laughed cheerfully before zipping out of the medical room.

"I best be off. Farewell!"

I raised an eyebrow, noting the girl's alien antics.

_There IS something peculiar about her, about all of them too, and not to mention her outward appearance. Just the way she speaks..._

_And how she can fly. Now THAT'S an important thing._

_She's very different, but, in a way, I feel different from them too. Like I don't belong with them..._

_I don't belong with them. Not here. Not anywhere. Wherever I am, whoever they are, I don't belong. I won't belong._

_Ever. Not ever._

With a sigh, I reclined on the gated bed, nestling into the sheets that projected a lukewarm sensation of heat. Only after closing my eyes did I realize how tired I was, and by the time the IV stand beside me began to pump the medicine into me, I was already fast asleep.

* * *

**Author's Note:** So what do you guys think so far? Any advice? (besides the length...I know that it might be an issue...and the little delay in posting, so I apologize) I'm working a few chapters ahead and I can't wait to post them! But I don't want to give too much away, so I'll see ya soon! :)


	4. Conflicted Ideas

**Author's Note: **Hey! It's been a while, huh? :) I'm sorry about the delay, but I'm really flattered about your comments. You guys are so sweet! The end of the year is winding down so I have a lot of finals to focus on. I felt bad for making you guys wait so I decided to skip studying and to post a chapter (I think I'll be okay for tomorrow...) XD A nice long one should make it up to you guys ;) Enjoy!

**A Previous Summary:** Cyborg wakes up Raven to begin tests and treatment. While questioning him, Raven's anger begins to appear, which has damaging effects. Fearing danger for Raven and herself, Cyborg calls Robin to warn him and asks for help. The Titans try to show Raven the possessions from her room, hoping to spark a memory, but to prevail. They discover that the amnesia has severely fragmented her memory, so the Titans made plans on other ways to help her remember the past.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 4: _Conflicted Ideas_

Without any external interferences, I was able to open my eyes and wake up peacefully. The room was quiet, the gentle humming of the equipment acting as a stalling lullaby while the lights were dimmed, yet provided enough vision to gaze across the room. I blinked, grunting to sit up as I explored my surroundings, nearly surprised to see Starfire a few feet from me, recalculating the machine that summoned the drugs. I rubbed my eyes, yawning as I did so, feeling rejuvenated by the timid nap that I allowed a soft smile to play with my lips as I sighed. Starfire heard me and she turned, flashing a bright smile that I couldn't resist but return in a more shy fashion.

"Good morning!" the alien girl squealed, fluttering in the air happily towards me. "I hope to assume that your rest had been successful."

"Um, sure?" I agreed, wincing at my confidence, but Starfire seemed overjoyed.

"Splendid!" she replied, flicking a switch before approaching the bedside. "Now, I wish to ask you; how do you feel?"

"Feel?"

"Yes. Are there any implications to be announced?"

"I wouldn't think so..."

Starfire grinned.

"Today, we wish for you to not be secluded to your bed. Although your health hasn't returned to its original state, and your loss of memory hasn't been successfully restored, we would be pleased for your involvement."

"My what?"

"You must want to leave, yes?" she asked me.

_Yes!_ I thought to myself, even though I knew she wasn't talking about what I wanted.

_Just...leave. Leave! This place. What is this place? Where is this place? Just why?_

_If I was ever given the option, I would never choose to stay._

"This room is a bit cramped," I admitted, my eyes darting to the corners of the room.

"Then this day shall suit your desires!"

"How so?" I questioned her.

"If you would allow me, I would like to remove the devices from your arms. Then we can enjoy the day exploring the tower and performing activities of fun!"

"I'm not following..."

"You simply must be active. To be trapped in this room can do much more harm. Perhaps a day of activities could stimulate lost memories."

"So, you want me to go out and _play_ with you," I concluded, staring at her as if she was joking.

Starfire clapped her hands and giggled, grinning ear-to-ear.

"How much fun it shall be! We can play the game of videos, or make traditional Tamaranean cuisine! Oh! And you must meet my _bumgorf_!"

"Your- _what_? And what is 'Tam-our-ean cuisine'?"

"You haven't consumed a proper amount of the calories to spend on energy, Raven. You must eat something! Oh, and Silkie will be so happy to see you again!"

_This girl is crazy,_ I thought, staring at her with confusion. _Nothing she says makes any sense!_

_Not to mention oblivious too._

_Wasn't she some kind of alien? She's DEFINITELY not from here..._

_An alien. How interesting..._

_Cyborg did say that but now I'm not so sure._

_She's freaking orange! Her eyes are neon green! She can float in the air! How can I NOT believe that she's some sort of alien?!_

_How can I be sure that any of them are telling the truth?_

_Maybe it's just a trick to see how gullible I am. They're probably making fun of me right now!_

_I've never seen these people so it's not like they are tricking me, right? I don't think they would go through this much trouble to mess with me._

_Maybe I have met them...I just don't remember..._

"Raven?"

Starfire was watching me carefully, her head cocked slightly to her right, like a confused puppy. She had taken notice to my excessive periods of silence as thoughts drummed my mind.

I had started taken a notice to it too.

"Yeah?"

"Is all well? You appear to be deep in thought."

"It's nothing," I replied, waving it away.

"Oh. Well, it would be best if we were to start preparations now. I presumed you would need help."

I crossed my arms and frowned at Starfire.

"Do I have to?"

"Say again?"

"Must I go with you guys?"

"You do not wish to be active?"

"Who said I wanted anything to do with you freaks?" I snarled.

Starfire was about to speak, raising a hand as a gesture, but she pulled back, shocked by my usage of words. I smirked under my breath in satisfactory.

"I do not understand your anger towards us," she said slowly.

"I'm not comfortable with it," I muttered crossly. "I'm choosing not to be involved. You can't make me do something that I don't want to do."

"I do not wish to _make_ you, but instead to _persuade_ you to join us."

"No thanks. I'm just fine," I responded sarcastically, rolling my eyes. "Rather die of boredom."

"I did not believe that such a period of disinterest could result in death," Starfire said to herself, wallowing in thought.

She didn't notice my perplexed reaction as she pondered silently.

_She knew I was being sarcastic, right?_ I asked myself. _Does she even get the concept?_

"Well?" Starfire announced, reviving a forgotten smile. "Shall we depart?"

"I told you before," I reminded her. "I'm not interested. I'll pass."

"You would not like to be cleansed before the start of the day?"

"I'm not that dirty," I growled angrily, looking away.

"You appear to have the head of the bed, Raven. I would be happy to brush your hair!"

"My head's like a what?"

"A quick cleanse could help. I insist!"

I huffed an irritated sigh, leaning back against the board behind the raised, gated bed.

"I want it to be quick," I ordered her, emphasizing the last word. "I don't want to spend time with either of you."

"A shower of water will be very pleasing, Friend Raven."

"Whatever," I mumbled before I threw out both my arms, my palms facing the ceiling, at Starfire, awaiting for her to remove the various plastic circuitry that fused with my veins. "Just get this over with already."

* * *

Starfire obediently began to disconnect my limbs from the machines. After removing the band, the clip pinching my finger, and unscrewing the tube that fed into the needle lodged into my flesh, the gurney was lowered to a suitable height, the gates subsiding, and I was helped off the suspended mattress. My legs trembled slightly, the effect of gravity almost foreign as I lumbered alongside the tangerine girl, who helped guide me across the Infirmary with a hand against my back, nudging me forward. We boarded the elevator and she signaled the top floor, stepping back to wait while I held on to the rail for support. As the platform rose steadily, I couldn't stop myself from mentally measuring how much Starfire floated off the ground.

"Why do you do that?" I inquired from the silence.

"Pardon?" Starfire asked.

"Why...I mean how do you do that? That- _flying_ thing you do."

"Flying is a symbol of our emotions," Starfire replied gleefully, floating a bit higher off the ground. "When my people and I fly, we think of the most happiest feelings that we receive from memories."

"And...you just fly? Like, all day?"

Starfire shared a giddy laugh.

"It's our feelings that give us the ability of flight that I am able to do. Why not express my happiness with all my friends?"

"Then do it when your friends are here," I retorted, looking away as a final sentence of the conversation.

I didn't need to turn around to know that Starfire had discontinued to fly, her face sunken with hurt.

The elevator signaled the end of the trip and the reflective, metallic doors opened to the top floor. Starfire less-enthusiastically helped me dismount the platform and had me follow her down a long hallway. Among the wall were only three doors, each labeled with designated pads to dial the door-opening combination. Amidst them all, Starfire led me to the first paneled doorframe, simply clicking a glowing green button that read "Available" before the wall collapsed into the wall, allowing us both to enter the vacant room.

The bathroom was half the size of the Infirmary, which had been surprising, even though it was assumed to be used daily. On the far side of the room was a white, porcelain tub, complete with sleek, stainless-steel knobs to adjust the water settings, a huge shower nozzle to be used if bathing wasn't preferred, along with pink shower curtains for privacy and a spongy pink rug to absorb water. A circular sink submerged within a slab of white-speckled granite faced a porcelain toilet, it's lid encased in a plush cover. The glass mirror was large, the top edge at the base of the ceiling rimmed with ornate lamps targeting the floor, providing light. To the right of the toilet, next to the bathtub, was a metal stand holding a roll of toilet paper, and in the corner, next to the sliding door, was a tall wooden cabinet. The furniture was stained a pearl white, it's doors made of glass and drawers lined every side of it, each organized and filled with toiletries and miscellaneous bath products. It was apparent, judging by the preferred light pink hue and abundance of creams, perfumes, and lotions, that it was a bathroom specified for females.

Meaning, only for me and Starfire to use.

Entering the room, I took another look around before I stopped in front of the tall mirror. There, I gazed at my reflection, slightly startled that I began to bite my gray lip from anxiety. A hand pulled out a twisted, violet braid of hair from my face, amethyst eyes blinking slowly as they traveled up and down in the mirror.

"I have some towels for you," Starfire spoke up, approaching behind me so she was visible in the mirror. "You may use this to wash your hair, and this to help with the brushing later."

In my arms, I cradled two white towels, a large brush, and a bottle of shampoo and conditioner each, as well as a sponge and a scented bar of soap. Starfire opened the shower curtain for me, advising me how to use it, then helped me place the supplies on the counter.

"Would everything be okay while I leave you alone?"

"Yeah," I told her tiredly. "I can take care of it on my own."

"I shall retrieve you once you are finished," Starfire informed me, turning around the leave. "Take the time that you need."

After leaving, the door locking behind her, I immediately faced the mirror again. I still donned the paper gown and I was eager to take it off, angry that something so small and thin kept me censored. I ripped off the weightless outfit, balling it up and disposing it into a garbage can beneath the cabinet, and stripped off the underwear before I stood in front of the sink, completely nude. I glared at myself, taking in the sight of my abnormal characteristics, from my ashen skin to my purple coiffure. Luminous, violet opals flinched, a glossy blanket of salted water draping over my eyes as my body shuddered from the sudden coldness.

_They aren't normal,_ I told myself. _And I'm not like them. But...how could this be normal either?_

I inhaled a trembling breath and released an exhausted sigh. Reluctantly, I approached the tub and turned the metal knobs a few rotations, causing hot water to expel from the shower nozzle. I stepped inside, pulling the plastic curtain closed behind me.

Immediately, I was hugged by a wafting breeze of steam as my body was rained upon by endless sheets of temperate water. I wrapped my arms around myself, sighing in pleasure at the warmth that eased my quaking muscles. I toyed with the knobs a bit, discovering new settings for the water pressure and ways that the water could expel from the spout, and after finding a comfortable setting, I began to wash myself.

After my hair was thoroughly drenched, I richly lathered a thick, syrupy glob of shampoo into my hair, rubbing it thoroughly into my purple locks until my head was full of sudsy bubbles. After a quick rinse, I massaged a dollop of conditioner into my hair, my fingers combing through my scalp to untangle the knots that had developed after several periods of being smothered into a pillow. Once my head had been fully rinsed, I used the bar of soap and the sponge to further wash my body, scrubbing away the sweat and grime that produced a foul body odor. By then, my body was squeaky clean, and the water was turned off.

I stepped onto the pink rug, allowing myself to drip over the absorbing mat as I fumbled to wrap a towel around myself and cocoon my drenched coiffure in a much smaller towel. I checked myself in the mirror, inspecting my wet, oily face for anything that caught my attention. My eyes lingered on my black-framed, red chakra that was centered on my forehead, but it wasn't like I didn't know that I had it. My fingers continued to graze my gray cheeks, searching through my enlarged pores, until a soft knock sounded at the door.

"I heard the water turn off. Have you finished yet?"

"Yeah, I'm all washed up now," I called back, unlocking the door with the click of a button.

Starfire stood in the doorway, clutching a bundle to her chest.

"Excellent! I have spare clothes for you to wear, if you are interested."

"No way I'm wearing that hospital gown again," I muttered, taking the garments from her. "These can do, I guess. Thank you."

Minutes later, I walked out of the bathroom, dressed in a pair of comfortable, black pants and a plain, white shirt, my hair slightly damp from the recent shower.

"I'm glad that you are up and moving," Starfire said to me. "You would be miserable if you had been confined to the Infirmary."

"Nothing like exploring my captivity," I remarked sarcastically, boarding the elevator with the orange-skinned girl. "Would you remind me about why I'm being held against my freewill?"

"Since you have lost your memory," Starfire answered earnestly.

"Apparently I'm going to loose my sanity too," I growled.

"How so?" she asked me innocently.

I rolled my eyes, staring at her as if it was obvious.

_Doesn't this girl understand any sarcastic jokes? Like, any?!_

"I'll be stir crazy eventually!" I exclaimed, raising my hands as a gesture to my environment. "You can't keep me locked up in here like some kind of animal. You're going to have to let me go! And it's not like I'm agreeing to stay here anyway."

"But without our supervision upon your health and security, you'll be vulnerable to outside elements."

I snorted, jutting out my hip and crossing my arms across my chest.

"I see no reason to stay here. I'd rather work alone."

"It's dangerous, Raven. We cannot abandon you as so."

The doors closed, confining me and Starfire to the elevator alone as it steadily dropped several floors.

"I want to leave. You have no reason to keep me here!"

"Yes we-" Starfire protested, but she was quickly interrupted.

"It's _my _decision," I explained to her. "I don't have to do anything that you freaks tell me too. Neither of you have that ability!"

"I didn't mean to-"

"Just get me out of here," I muttered grouchily, turning away. "Take me to the bottom floor of this place and let me go."

"You cannot leave, Raven," Starfire beckoned me, her voice rising dramatically. "I do not dare to let you leave; not out of domination, but out of how much I care for your sake."

"That gives you no right to keep me as your prisoner."

"You are not a prisoner. You are a friend."

"Then how come I can't remember anything?" I challenged her.

Starfire held back a bit, and I noted her consideration.

"I cannot say so, for I do not possess that knowledge."

I pouted, glaring at the wall in disgust.

"Even if you leave," the alien continued, offended by my lack of attention to her speech. "Where will you go? What will you do?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but I also held back a response. Suddenly, a problem dawned on me.

_What would I do out there?_ I asked myself. Even if I escape, I don't know what my next move is.

_I don't know where I am or where this place is. If I leave this place, what will the outside look like?_

_Would I be in a desert or on an iceberg?_

_What if I'm underground?!_

_I can't be below the ground because I've seen windows. I'm probably just in a very big building._

_Very big,_ I told myself. _And very tall._

_That rules out escaping out the window..._

"I would get as far away from you people as possible," I told Starfire in fake confidence, but she seemed to have believed me and appeared disappointed.

"Your survival would not be an easy task."

"Who are you to tell me otherwise?"

"A friend."

"I don't have any friends."

"You do, Raven. You always had us."

Just then, the elevator pulled up to the designated floor, a short alarm signaling our arrival and the doors slid back, creating an entryway.

"Come," she beckoned me. "Your friends are awaiting to see you."

* * *

I glumly traced Starfire's tracks down a long hallway, the same one I had ended up in after sneaking away from the Infirmary. She glided forward gracefully, her flaming hair faintly billowing behind her in a ghostly manner. She reached the end of the corridor first, where she provoked the mechanical door to open, sliding away, then turned to face me, patiently waiting for me to catch up.

_I can't do that,_ I thought to myself. _I can't fly like you. Don't be surprised if I'm not as fast._

When I reached her, she then led me past a grand entrance, a large doorway that instantly opened to what I assumed had to be the biggest room built into the building. Each white-painted wall towered at least two-stories tall, the doorframe and sections of the wall highlighted in thick black stripes while a designated crimson floor path traced to the center of the chamber, as well as leading up a set of two small flights of stairs and ending at two other exits in the room. To my right, I saw the half-walls lined with gray counters topped with slick, yellow slates. There were matching island-counters framing the side facing the center of the room, with high-stilted chairs allowing individuals to be seated. The modern kitchen was complete with numerous, stainless-steal appliances, including a deluxe coffee/tea maker, an advanced microwave, a towering double-fridge, and cabinets well-stocked with cooking utensils, canned goods, and more. On the other side of the room, there were plush, coal-black couches that angled with the room, accompanied by yellow a table, acting as a sleek dining area. The center of the room contained a crescent-shaped, black couch as well, and a circular yellow table rose off the floor and acted as a commonly used surface. On the far side of the room, one wall was nearly entirely made of glass and a projector had been set up to display high-quality graphics against the glass with enhanced colors, a computer screen connected with a grand keyboard beneath it.

Peering past the television, my gaze searched past the thick window, admiring the view that I had discovered. Most of what I could see was the vast and vacant ocean, an endless, glass slate of indigo that broke and crashed against the rocky shore where the building had been perched. Along with a brief glimpse of a coastline congested with buildings that teamed with city life, in the backdrop, I squinted hard to detect a gleaming bridge that stretched across the horizon.

_Who knew?_ I told myself. _Who could have guessed that I was taken here; to see this kind of view right outside a window?_

Starfire had noticed how I leered past the glass and spoke up accordingly.

"Magnificent, yes?" she agreed with me. "Jump City is a marveled civilization, yet it certainly comes with a foul reputation."

"Can't think of any reason why," I responded, my mind still distant as I observed the landscape. "It's very..._surreal_."

"I can understand your opinion."

I continued to gaze, my mind numb with thoughts, until a high-pitched squeal erupted from across the room.

"Hey, dude! That's not fair!"

"Haha! What'cha gonna do now, Grass Stain? I'm beating your car!"

"That's cheating, Cy! You can't do that!"

"Oh! Oh, man! I'm ahead of you! Y'all can't get past me now!"

Cautiously walking down the steps, I peered over the edge of the semi-circular couch, and to my surprise, I found Cyborg and Beast Boy sitting next to each other, hunched over a device in their hands while their eyes watched the projecting screen above them intently.

They had been playing a videogame.

The monitor was currently projecting a graphic visual of a road, where two cars dueled one another in a high-speed race on a never-ending track. Each time one of the boys jerked their arms in a direction, their fingers repeatedly clicking different combinations of buttons on their gray controllers, the selected automobile would take a sharp turn or crash into the other car, often producing illogical weapons and "power-ups" to weaken or slow down the opponent's vehicle. Judging by the difference of cars, I assumed the blue monster truck with huge tires had been Cyborg's ideal car, while Beast Boy had been driving a lime-green Hummer, which revved on the screen.

"Hey! Cut it out!" Beast Boy whined, holding the controller higher to his face in concentration as he steered his vehicle with a rotating knob.

Cyborg only chortled in reply.

"I'm half-way there!" he taunted playfully. "This game is all wrapped up!"

Beast Boy shoved his older friend, hoping to mess up Cyborg's coordination, but he had been quick and he leaped from the couch, standing to get closer to the screen. Nearly bouncing on his feet from eagerness, he ran into Beast Boy's car, which spiraled out of control and crashed off the course, and seconds later, Cyborg's truck crossed the finish line, music from the game blasting through the speakers as a black-and-white checkered flag was shaken on the television.

"Aww yeah!" Cyborg cheered, holding his controller above his head in victory.

Beast Boy wailed in misery, tossing his controller away in disgust before crossing his arms and slouching against the couch, his green face hung in agitated defeat. I could practically see the steam whistling from his pointy ears.

"Booyah!" Cyborg gloated, grinning at his opponent. "I won, baby! I won the race, and got 2 seconds off my best time!"

"I would have won if you hadn't cheated," Beast Boy muttered, glaring at him.

"Yeah right, but ya lost and I won, which means I won the bet!"

"Yeah yeah," Beast Boy groaned, rolling his eyes. "Just take your prize already."

Cyborg fumbled to open a cardboard box seated on the table, beside a cup of water, in front of them, from which he withdrew the last slice of cold, cheese pizza that they both had argued over who should get to eat it. After pulling it out, Cyborg offered it to Beast Boy, who appeared surprised.

"Nah, man. Take it," he urged him. "I'm not hungry anymore anyway. You can have it if ya want."

His eyes lit up, the green-skinned boy gratefully accepted the food, immediately taking a bite. Cyborg simply smiled before he stood up, which was when he saw me and Starfire, who had patiently watched the game.

"I didn't hear you guys come in. Were we really that loud?"

Even though it was obvious that Cyborg wanted to provoke a response from me, I remained silent while Starfire replied energetically.

"A glorious match!" she enthused, clapping her hands together and holding them to her chest.

"I _should__'ve_ won!" Beast Boy pointed out, raising a hand in the air to attract attention. "But Cy, here, thinks that he can cheat his way to victory..."

"Beat it, Grass Stain," Cyborg replied dismissively, shrugging nonchalantly with a mischievous grin. "Anyway, glad to see you out of bed, Raven," he told me.

Behind Cyborg, Beast Boy stopped eating, sat up and turned around, leaning over the back of the couch to see me. Flustered, I swallowed hard and nodded in shallow agreement.

"This place is bigger than I thought it was," I told him earnestly, a hint of disapproval. "I like the view from here though."

Cyborg nodded knowingly.

"Are ya hungry? We ate all the pizza, sorry about that, but I'm sure I can make something good. I happen to be a very good cook."

"Or perhaps I could offer you a traditional Tamaranean dish!" Starfire piped up hopefully.

"I'm okay," I declined politely, even though my stomach grumbled from lack of nutrients.

_Next time they feed me, they might as well be sprinkling little pills on it, or drowning it in that "medicine" they keep giving me._

_They haven't poisoned me yet..._

_That doesn't mean they don't plan to!_

_This was a set-up,_ a voice inside my head suddenly concluded. _They're trying to get on my good side; trying to convince me to trust them. It's all part of their plan to mislead me, and I can't be so oblivious._

A part of me wanted to give in, however. These people have been nice enough, and it's not like either of them tried offending me or anything. I figured that I had been paranoid, but the same dominating voice in my head scolded me.

_Have I FORGOTTEN?! These FREAKS are my captors! Not playmates! They brought me HERE! I was taken; stolen from someone! I don't belong here! I'm NOTHING like them! Somewhere, someone must know that I have disappeared and I can't just be ignorant and let them get away with this. And WHY should I TRUST them?! How stupid am I?!_

I skillfully masked the persuasive thoughts as they spawned in a mind infested with paranoia, for displaying complicated opinions could tarnish whatever I had to use. Any signs of trouble that is detected early could draw suspicion, and I wanted as little attention as I can get around here.

Defeated, Cyborg shrugged.

"Well, alright then. If ya change your mind, I'm cool with whatever."

"I own the leftovers of Zorkaberries!" Starfire informed me enthusiastically.

"_Zork_-uh-berries?" I asked cautiously, raising a quizzical eyebrow.

"A common delicacy of my planet, and a glorious treat that is sure to end the pains of hunger."

My eyes went beyond Starfire, where a comical green-skinned boy stole my attention. He was shaking his head viciously and drawing a line on his throat with his index finger, exaggeratedly explaining that the snack would be regrettable if I were to consume it. Stifling a small small, I faced Starfire and once again denied that I was hungry, to which she happily accepted.

It was then the motion-activated door behind us hissed suddenly, the unexpected noise surprising us and causing us to forget our conversation. I peered over my shoulder, alarmed to find Robin emerge beneath the separating wall, his face grim and his gloved hands clenched at his sides.

"There's a problem," he announced urgently, not wasting any time for a delicately-crafted explanation. "And I'll need your help with it, Cyborg."

"Yo, Robin! Wait up, man! What is it?"

"It's not good," he told him quickly, urging him to hurry up. "C'mon. You need to see this."

Cyborg clenched his jaw and nodded stiffly, jogging up the stairs towards Robin.

"Should I attend as well?" Starfire called after them, politely asking for permission.

"I just need Cyborg's help with this," Robin replied tersely.

"Might I ask what this is about, then?" Starfire questioned timidly, her voice rising in worry. "Have you discovered any new information about Sla-?"

Starfire caught herself, banishing the word and replacing it with a vague noun.

"...the _man_ responsible for specified crimes?"

Robin looked down for a second, debating over his response.

"I'll tell you later," he assured her. "But right now I just need Cyborg's help. You guys can stay with Raven."

_Yipee. Another babysitter to keep me company,_ a sleazy voice inside my head groaned sarcastically.

* * *

Just as the door closed behind them, Starfire and Beast Boy both looked towards me for inspiration. I blushed furiously from the attention.

"Well?" I demanded. "Now what?"

"I am not positive on what should be done next," Starfire responded slowly.

"You guys wanna join the game?" Beast Boy offered. "I got extra controllers."

When he faced me, his eyes insisting that I engage in a bonding activity, I steered my vision across the room, refusing his suggestion. Disappointed, Beast Boy looked away as well. We both jumped as Starfire suddenly gasped in shock.

"I have almost forgotten!" she exclaimed, her hands on her cheeks in surprise. "You have not met my _bumgorf_!"

"Oh yeah!" Beast Boy agreed, as if he had forgotten as well. "Yeah, she probably doesn't remember Silkie. Raven'll have to see him again!"

"I shall retrieve him from my room!" she cheered, springing into the air, sustaining a height off the ground before soaring up the left flight of stairs, swiftly exiting the room. "I shall return shortly!"

_Counting the minutes,_ I thought sarcastically.

"So," Beast Boy stated, stirring the silence. "Did you get a good look around yet?"

"If you meant having that tour of this prison that Starfire promised me, then no," I remarked, rolling my eyes.

"You don't like it? Don't you remember any of it?"

"No," I clarified harshly, giving Beast Boy an icy glare before shrugging away from him. "But I would like to be shown the exit. Can you do that for me?"

"Why would you like to see the exit?" Beast Boy asked playfully, even though he clearly understood my intention.

"I think you understand why," I replied in a similar, smug tone that matched his. "Probably the most interesting thing around here."

"There's much more to see than just a door."

"Yeah, because right now all I've seen was a tiny hospital and a bathroom."

"We have a work-out room, and a basketball and volleyball court on the roof. We might wanna play a game later; you should join us!"

"I'll pass, again."

"Why don't you want to do anything?"

"Just because I'm stuck here doesn't mean I want to bond with you guys."

"Is being here really that big of a problem?"

"It is if you're stuck with a bunch of freaks."

"That's kind of harsh," Beast Boy lectured me, adopting a stern voice.

"It's kind of obvious that there's something wrong with each of you," I protested angrily.

"What do you mean by that?" Beast Boy asked, slightly offended.

"Just look at you," I responded, wincing in disgust.

"It's not wrong...it's unique. We didn't choose to be like this though; at least I didn't anyway, but it has its up's and down's."

"Being green?"

"Well that's the downside..."

"_Obviously_," I muttered.

"But looking like this does have its reasons," he insisted, fighting over the argument.

"I don't see how."

"How about now?"

In a split second, before I had a chance to blink, Beast Boy had vanished after a whirl of motion, last seen with a grin on his face. My eyes grew wide, scanning where the young teenager had been standing, until I happened to look down and realize that a wolf, covered in a thick coat of green fur, had filled the absent space that the youngest member of the group had occupied. Startled, I cautiously leaned forward to get closer, inspecting the animal in disbelief that seemingly had appeared out of nowhere. The wolf wandered towards me, his paws softly padding the ground while his claws barely clicked against the floor. I took a step back, but the wolf was by my side in an instant. A green muzzle nudged my leg, nostrils flaring repetitively to catch a scent, and once satisfied, the wolf sat down, his ears bent and his eyes looking up towards me, pleading for an amiable response.

"_Beast Boy_?" I asked, appalled by the animal's existence. "Is that _you_?"

My hand reached out hesitantly, my fingers grazing the fur spawning from the head of the large dog. In return, the wolf nuzzled my hand, a wet nose prodding my gray fingers playfully. Then, the creature took a couple steps back, and after a quick flash, Beast Boy once again appeared, crouched on his hands and feet like the wolf had been. Still smiling, he rose to his feet.

"Ta-daaa!" he exclaimed, expecting an astonished reaction.

He was half-correct.

"So that _was_ you," I said, more to myself than the green-skinned boy. "But you were-"

"Cool, right?"

"Wait! How did you-?"

"That's the upside," he replied, wiggling his eyebrows. "Pretty awesome, huh?"

"And you can just do that? Can you do that with any other animals?"

"Sure!"

Beast Boy blurred momentarily before his morphing phase was complete. Instead of a hound, a tiny mouse, also containing an abnormal fur pigment of envy green, was found on the floor. The rodent scurried around my feet, squeaking up at me for attention, but when I bent down, tracking the creature with my hand to capture it, the mouse saw my hovering hand as a predator, and immediately sought for shelter, usually running around in circles as an effort to confuse me. At last, after resting my upturned hand on the floor for an eternity, Beast Boy, in his mouse form, hesitantly meandered over to my palm and climbed over it, nestling into my hand as my fingers curled over the animal, cupping it for protection. Bringing the mouse to my face, emerald pebbles blinked up at me, a nose twitching occasionally to newfound fragrances. He nipped the sensitive skin on my fingertips to show affection, and I released a giggle, the impulse to produce a small smile was impossible to refrain due to the creature's adorable existence.

As I ogled over Beast Boy's unbelievable ability to alter his shape yet retain his ego, he suddenly morphed again, catching me off guard. Instead of a green rodent, I unwillingly held a large, green tarantula. Surprised, I jerked my arm away as an attempt to remove the hairy arachnid off my body, a scream knotting my throat. The spider fell from my hand before I had realized what I had done, but I barely had a chance to dive, knowing that by then he would have contacted the floor.

Only, Beast Boy hadn't landed.

As he fell, he quickly morphed again, in mid-air, and zipped away, disappearing like the jagged scar of lightning across a sky congested with ailing clouds. My eyes scanned the room, realizing that I had lost track of his origin, until he flew past me, inches from my face. He had turned himself into a minute humming bird, who's feathers ranged from different hues of greens. Beating his wings at a rapid tempo that they seemingly blurred, Beast Boy hovered before me, constantly zooming back-and-forth, my violet eyes following eagerly. He then twirled around me, circling my torso several times in a childish manner while I playfully swatted the air, trying to catch him but to no success. He then hovered in front of me, his body enlarging and his humane physical features returning as he morphed back to his normal appearance. He gleefully laughed, and I barely suppressed a giggle myself.

"Wow! That's truly amazing," I commented rather shyly, jealous of such a capability that was too surreal to believe, even after a personal demonstration.

"I thought it was pretty funny how you reacted when I was a Wolf Spider," he joked, a mischievous grin plastered to his green face.

"That definitely surprised me," I admitted defeatedly. "But that was...impressive. No doubt."

"Thanks!"

It was at that time when Starfire flew into the room, her arms occupied with a fat, faded yellow bundle that was hugged to her body. She soared straight to me, still floating in the air as she addressed me.

"Friend Raven? I would like to introduce you to my _bumgorf_; Silkie!"

She then extended her arms, holding out a creature to present. I jumped back in surprised, my face scrunched in disgust yet my eyebrow arched quizzically. In Starfire's hands was what appeared to be a plump, yellow caterpillar with fat pink lips and bending antennas. Her "pet" spotted me with its large eyes, numerous pairs of legs twitching up at me.

"What _is_ that thing?" I demanded.

Starfire laughed in response.

"Is he not the most adorable partner?" she raved, bringing him close to cradle him as if the creature was a mere infant.

"It's..._repulsive_!" I shrieked, my stance wide in case I decided to retreat.

"Silkie is my loyal, little _bumgorf_," she continued, giving the chubby animal a squeeze and snuggling her face with its as it gurgled happily in reply. "He and I are the best of friends!"

"Good for you," I told her crossly, stepping back and frowning in disapproval. "I can't even look at that thing. Does it have a 'terrible' back story also?"

"It was one of Killer Moth's mutant moth larvae that we rescued," Beast Boy explained. "...and then he ate these Zorkaberries and somehow turned into this giant moth that tried to attack us. He molted and reverted to looking like that. And we've been raising him since!"

"Charming tale," I told him, my tone chilling and dripping with sarcasm. "Any other lies you guys want to tell me? I'm sick of hearing them."

Starfire gazed at me, hurt within her eyes. She then peered down at Silkie, her hand rubbing what must have been the creature's belly.

"I do not wish to lie, but I am afraid belief will be a hard term to establish."

"I can't believe you guys still actually expect me to trust you," I spat accusingly. "You freaks told me nothing but lies..."

"We aren't lying, Raven. You don't remember anything, but that doesn't mean we can't help."

My hands clenched at my sides, my teeth gritted at a bone-crushing pressure in response to Beast Boy's statement.

"All that you do is tell me things that I don't understand," I said, my voice descending to a loud, commanding tone. "You tell me that I've lied, that I've done something bad, but I don't remember any of it. You tell me that something is wrong and that you'll help but you'll never tell me what the problem is! If I'm just such a big problem then why am I still here?! Why am I with you people if I'm just causing the trouble, but what have I ever done to you, huh?!"

"That is not what we intended to imply," Starfire responded calmly. "True, your past is a memory that you do not posses, but we remember, and we refuse to back down on a problem that would never resolve without our aid. If alone, Friend Raven, you would not handle the truth very well."

"Then what _is _the truth?" I asked her, threatening a reply.

Starfire meekly shook her head.

"I cannot say so. I apologize, but the decision is not in my capability, and-"

Before Starfire had a chance to finish, she was interrupted by a metallic, staccato noise, a shower of glazed ceramics clicking along the ground. Upon instinct, I flinched for the thought of sensing pain, but my anger melted into a curious form of surprise. Realizing my safety, I followed Starfire and Beast Boy's vision towards the circular table, where an abandoned tower of pizza boxes and a stray cup had been placed earlier. The absent space beside the pile of cardboard had been replaced with fragmented shards of crystallized glass, an oozing puddle of water seeping across the table surface and dripping to the floor.

Realization dawned on Starfire and Beast Boy's faces as they exchanged worried reactions.

"Uhh, maybe we should change the topic," Beast Boy suggested warily, hoping to persuade me.

"Why?" I snarled back, catching his fear. "Was it something that I did?"

"I ask you to please refrain from your advancements," Starfire commanded to me.

"Afraid that I'll do something?" I taunted.

"You don't understand-"

"Oh, I think I'm starting to get the hang of it," I replied silkily, donning a superior smirk in hopes of convincing them of my bluff.

_It doesn't make any sense,_ a wise voice in my head grieved. _How can it be possible? There's no logical explanation, no reason for those random occurrences, yet I sense a connection. A peculiar pattern that only a personal ordeal could reveal. But what is triggering these spontaneous combustions?_

I skillfully masked my dubious thoughts as Starfire accepted my threat.

"Please, Friend Raven," she begged mercifully. "We only wish to help you..."

_They think I'm weak. They think that I'm helpless, like a child, and believe that I need their supervision. I'm escorted around here with constant surveillance, and yet they expect me to trust them. They claim that I need help with everything, that without them that I would suffer, but I know that I can hold my own. They just won't let me leave, and I've had enough of it._

"Help? HELP?!" I challenged her, my eyes growing dangerous. "You freaks helped me with NOTHING!"

Beast Boy cringed, shrinking away while Starfire stepped forward to argue.

"Raven, that is not true..."

_My anger,_ a sadistic voice in my head whispered. _They are afraid of it. They are afraid for a reason..._

My hands were balled at my sides, my knuckles turning white as an unnatural coldness accumulated at my fists, due to my anger. My eyes reduced to slits, pinched hard as I targeted a defenseless girl and a cowering boy. My jaw clenched, my lips pulled back into a grimace, revealing gritted teeth. I trembled with rage, my limbs quaking as if a terrible entity engulfed my body. Behind Starfire and Beast Boy, in the large window, a crack suddenly appeared.

_Yes..._

"Friend Raven!"

Another crack scarred the glass, nearly parallel with the other.

_Yes..._

"Wait! Stop! Raven, stop!"

A web of cracks punched into the window, yet my release of animosity didn't subside.

_Yes!_

"Wait! Raven, I-!"

Before Beast Boy could finish, the entire window blew out and a flurry of keen, jagged shards of glass stormed into the room. Starfire and Beast Boy ducked for cover, shielding their faces from the dangerous precipitation, but when they looked up, the door had already closed behind me.

My feet were taking me to the elevator.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I hope nobody's mad about the tiny cliffhanger *laughs nervously* Anyways, summer is coming, so I should have more time to work on my fanfic! Once my tests are done, I'll be able to post more often :) Bye!


	5. An Escape into Reality

**Author's Note:** Hey! So, I've been very busy lately. I just started working at Six Flags and I'm having a blast! :D But yeah, it does take time out of my day. Sorry about leaving you guys in that mini-cliffhanger. This chapter is honestly my favorite so far though :) Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary:** Raven is starting to notice the oddities of her thoughts and emotions, though she doesn't quite understand due to her amnesia. Because of this, she's conflicted about whether or not she should try to escape as Starfire guides her through the Tower. Raven cleans herself and meets the Titans in the Main Ops room. There, she learns more about their own oddities, like seeing Beast Boy morph into animals for the first time and meeting Silkie, Starfire's _bumgorf_. However, Raven's thoughts and emotions are not properly controlled, let alone understandable. She unknowingly uses her anger to blow out the window of the Main Ops room, and she uses the distraction to flee.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 5: _An Escape to Reality_

I imagined their reactions in my head, watching a fictional sequence of scenes unfold during my absence as I sprinted down the hallway. Counting silently in my head, knew exactly when realization would hit them, and when they would pursue me. I knew that I only had a few seconds ahead of the Titans, but if I wasn't seen, more time would be present as they wasted precious seconds to track me down. I already knew the destination I was heading to, but the plan leading up to my goal was thought in a mere instant before I took action.

I didn't know how long I could improvise until my crafty ideas would run dry.

I knew where the elevator stations were located, and instead of going to the one I had arrived in, since it would have been an obvious choice, I took a quick detour, going down a flight of stairs and continuing down another hallway until I reached one that was parked just around the corner in the next corridor. My fingers fidgeted as I clicked the button shaped as an arrow pointing down, bouncing on the balls of my feet as I awaited the platform to arrive.

"No! Raven!" a muffled voice above me shouted.

I gasped, secluding myself to the wall. I hugged my arms to my chest as a timid defense.

_They'll easily see if I stay here; I got to move!_

_I should just stay and fight! They can't handle me when I'm angry._

_Wait! The elevator should be here any second!_

"C'mon, hurry!" I urged the metallic doors, anxiety swelling my chest with a shaky inhale.

"Raven! Where are you?!"

Footsteps ran directly above me, skidding to a halt as another voice spoke up.

"Where did our friend go?"

"She took off but I didn't see where," an exasperated voice replied.

"She could not be far, correct?"

"I don't think so, but we need to find her."

"Robin and Cyborg do not know. They must hear of what has occurred!"

"She's getting away! She could be anywhere by now. Check the elevator over there! I'll try downstairs."

My breath hitched in my throat. My skin was prickled with goosebumps and my limbs trembled violently as I heard the echoes of heavy stomping, then the unmistakable transition of feet down a slope of stairs. The elevator chimed suddenly, the doors sliding away.

We both heard it.

"Wait! Raven, don't go!"

I fled into the chamber without hesitation, repeatedly clicking a random, numbered button to escape. As the doors started to close, I saw a glimpse of green flesh dart across the hall. Quaking green orbs met mine, shock streaking through his innocent pupils, then vanishing like a flash of lightning, instantly replaced with fright.

"No!" he shouted.

Beast Boy staggering towards me, nearly tripping as hands reached forward. He was attempting to plunge his fingers within the crack to pry open the entrance, but the doors closed before his glove was an inch away. Silence then incubated me within the elevator. I sank the floor into relief, panting loudly as the elevator traveled downward dramatically.

"That was close," I whispered in disbelief.

_Too close..._

I awaited on the descending platform, trying to catch my breath, but my victory was short-lived. The platform sank only a couple levels before an alarm erupted, the doors spreading to create an entrance. I jumped to my feet, about to signal another floor when the button for the top floor suddenly blinked on, the button for the level I was currently sitting at no longer flashing. The elevator rang a small alarm, a warning of it's next destination, and on cue, the paneled doors started to slide back together to bring me up again.

It didn't take brains to figure out who called for the elevator.

_I can't stay here!_ I told myself. _I would be an animal trapped in a cage. I'll be caught as soon as the doors open!_

_So much for an escape plan..._

_I have to get off of this thing._

_The doors are closing!_

Without so much as a second thought, I squeezed from between the sliding doors, narrowly escaping being crushed as it slammed shut behind me. The elevator started to ride so it could arrive at the station where Beast Boy and Starfire were located.

_They would know where the elevator had stopped before it arrives to them, which means they have a clue to my origin._

_They would still be able to catch me in such a short period of time._

_I would not be safe hiding here._

_I have to move on,_ a voice urged me. _They will be here soon!_

_Why bother? I'll be caught eventually. I can't keep running around the building forever!_

_I just need to get to the front door, and then I'll be out of here._

Down the hallway, on either side of the building, a stairwell could be found. A towering setup of stairs with metal steps and railings could guide me up or down, signs posted as a checkpoint to indicate a certain level. Peering over the edge, my gaze fell to over fifty feet below and I cringed at the thought of loosing my balance and tumbling to my death. With an admitting sigh, I grasped the rail firmly and started to jog down the stairs, careful not to miss a step.

I had walked down only two floors when a siren unexpectedly went off. A pulsing horn signaled a distress alert while a magnified, feminine voice spoke over the alarm, repeating a phrase to stimulate awareness. The message couldn't be mistaken.

"System Lockdown is now in session. Security systems are now activated."

These were teenagers. Abnormal adolescents who dwelled in a grand building off of a civilized bay. Their tower must have cost a fortune, considering the unique architecture, the advanced technologies wired within the walls, and the exclusive display of art to style their everyday environment. With numerous floors to spare and an elevator to transport the owners and their welcomed guests, it wasn't a surprise that they had a system to reinforce the house and secure all entrances and exits. A building this size could attract unwanted visitors. However, there was no telling what other gadgets had been installed around the tower. It took a while for me to spot the camera capturing live recordings of the stairwell for activity, which could be easily checked for my presence. And realizing how I could be recorded and monitored at any moment, I decided that I needed to seek shelter to hide temporarily before I could continue my trek downward.

Briskly, I left the inclines of stairs and entered the hallway on the fifth floor. Upon walking down the corridor, after neglecting the sign, I noticed something familiar about my surroundings.

_I've been here before..._

I continued walking until I reached the elevator station, my eyes scanning the area for potential hazards. It was then I passed a tinted window that ate up most of the wall, presenting the room past a pair of retracting doors. I squinted past the glass veiled in darkness, peering at the oddly-sculpted shadows within the room.

_It's the gym that I had came across a while ago. That could be a safe place to hide. Until it's safe._

I sped up to the entrance, placing myself before the dojo-like doors that sealed the gymnasium. As before, searching the ground for a particular tile to activate the entrance had ended in vain, leaving me frustrated. I attempted numerous times to type in a proper password into the keypad with indicated lines that begged for the correct answer, but it declined my offers. I peered through the window once more, banging on the glass in hopes of breaking through, but the translucent wall could have stopped a bullet. All of my attempts of escaping so far were seemingly fruitless, and by then, I had become agitated, my intestines constricting with anxiety. I knew that I would encounter one of them soon, and I anticipated the exposure, left only to question who I would meet first, and if I'll manage to escape if they advance.

My fingers were jammed into the cracks of the sliding doors, my veins bulging with the effort of pulling them apart when the elevator behind me suddenly chimed, draining the blood from my face. I whirled around, my face stricken with horror as the lights along the elevator lit up, signaling the arrival of the platform. I had little time to react, but submissive instincts overwhelmed me and I didn't hesitate to flee, darting down the hallway back to the stairwell and hiding behind the corner, my back pressed against the wall.

Blood drummed in my ears, my breath haggard as I tried to remain quiet. One final ring of a bell and I heard the sound of the elevator entrance pull apart, a person leaving the platform before the doors closed. I dared to lean over, straining to hold my breath so I could peek around the corner. Sure enough, I recognized the individual as his back was to me, fumbling to withdraw an item from his utility belt. His black and yellow cape billowed behind him as he gripped a pocket-sized device in his gloved hand, holding it to his mouth as he spoke.

"Cyborg," Robin called into the gadget.

After a quick pause, there was a reply.

"Yo, man," Cyborg answered to his partner, his voice blurred in static. "Anything?"

"No. Nothing. I searched several floors but still no sign of her. She's not on the elevator or in any of the rooms I had checked."

"What about the gym? Have you checked there?"

"Not yet, but I'm there now. There's no way she could be inside, though."

"It's better to check. Just to be sure. There's no telling what she can do while she's out of control."

"It's a priority that we find Raven," Robin reminded him firmly. "We don't want her to hurt herself...or any of us. Her safety is important and we have to be quick..."

"BB just explained what happened; be careful if you see her," Cyborg warned his leader. "I don't know if she's gonna be defensive or offensive."

"Then, in that case, you might wanna come down here in a sec...just to check for any clues."

"Ya'll can call me if there's trouble. I'm scanning through the building to see if I can track her movements."

"Great. Let me know if you find anything."

"Alright. Cyborg out."

With that, the connection was severed, their conversation dismissed as Robin switched off his device, flipping the lid closed. He jammed it into a compartment specifically designed for the communicator on his belt and approached the entrance. I leaned farther out, watching intently as Robin quickly punched numbers into the keypad, the doors proceeding to slide back and allowing him to enter. He left with haste, his shadow slinking around the room as I observed through the tinted window.

_The elevator is clear,_ I told myself. _While he's distracted, I could sneak up there and take it down._

_Maybe it would be best to take the stairs..._

_The cameras could give me away. Cyborg is probably checking them now._

_What if the mechanical man has already spotted me? He probably knows where I am right now!_

_The hallway is clear. I can get out now if I hurry!_

I waited for a couple moments to be sure everything was clear. My eyes continually darted back to the window, where the lights have come on, allowing a clearer visual of the room. Robin's back was facing me as he walked the perimeters, checking every available space where an individual could hide. I checked down the corridor, awaiting in case company would show. After a glance at the masked boy, assuring myself that he was distracted, I mustered up my confidence and took off down the hall, racing towards the elevator.

I clicked the downward button and ducked to the floor, choking on quiet gasps. My heart flamed from within my chest, perspiration pooling at my palms and I constantly had to wipe them on my legs to keep my grip dry. When the elevator arrived, it alerted me with the ring of a bell, and I checked over my shoulder to see if Robin had discovered me. The doors opened and I stood, about to enter when I nearly bumped into someone who had already occupied the platform. My gaze lifted, a gasp scratching my throat raw as I choked back my shock.

It was Cyborg.

* * *

He was obviously just as shocked as I was to witness him too. Minding his own business, the mechanical man was casually exiting when I happened to be in his path. Realization struck us at the same time.

"Raven?" he asked in disbelief.

My purple eyes stung with prevailing tears as I backed away, cowering in fear.

"Don't touch me," I warned him, even though my threat never held the consequence of misfortune.

Cyborg took a step towards me, extending a hand composed of metal. My back suddenly hit the wall, the mechanical man towering above me with concern.

"Hold up now, Raven," he assured me, his hands raised to symbolize peace. "We've been looking for you and we only wanna bring you back-"

"I'm _not_ going with you!" I cried harshly, exasperated words strangling in my throat.

I put my full weight against the wall, my balled hands hugged to my chest to protect myself. By then, a faint streak of tears had melted down my gray cheeks, but I didn't bother to paw them away.

"Raven-"

"I said stay away!"

The hiss of doors pulling apart interrupted our encounter. The wall behind me vanished, my balance teetering too much that I couldn't regain it, causing me to stagger backwards. As I tripped, I collided with the other individual who had also accompanied me on the level; Robin. He, too, stumbled back, but his professional abilities and advanced skills allowed him to catch himself, actually using his hands to hoist himself up, pushing off the ground into a quick backflip before landing with ease. I fell hard on my rear and I clenched my teeth to prevent foul words, more tears producing within my shut eyes as my bottom smarted uncomfortably. I could only sheepishly gaze up my captors as they approached me, my cheeks blushing furiously. Robin seemed awfully worried while Cyborg seemed suspicious, yet he pitied my embarrassment.

"Raven?" Robin asked in astonishment.

He noted how I flinched as his presence drew nearer and he adapted. Robin advanced in a slower manner, as if he were attempting to gain the trust of a feral doe in the wilderness.

"I'm not going to hurt you..."

"You can't take me back," I told him defiantly, scooting along the floor to get away. "I _won't_ stay here. I won't let you guys contain me!"

"We can't give you that choice," Robin insisted, pain chirping in his voice. "You don't know enough to make those kind of decisions, and you aren't in the right condition to be leaving the tower."

"You have no right to hold me against my free will," I argued.

"We aren't holding ya captive," Cyborg explained. "We're keeping you safe. You're safest in the tower where we can keep an eye on ya."

I started to kick away from Robin and Cyborg, using my hands and feet to push myself along the ground to put distance between them and me.

"I'm not going to be bossed around by a bunch of _freaks_."

I scrambled to my feet, my sudden movement causing Robin and Cyborg to react. Both held a wide stance, ready to jump into action, but they both hesitated. Seeing how I stood my ground, they never went after me.

"I'm not sick. I just lost my memory..."

"And that's why ya don't remember us," Cyborg pleaded. "We're trying to explain that to you but ya don't get it. It's too complicated for you to understand."

"Then maybe you should let me go so I can start over," I reasoned, glaring at him as a punishment for concocting such an invalid argument. "If the past is forgotten, then maybe it should stay that way."

"You may not remember, but we do," Robin reminded me. "And we are not going to let you walk away while we carry the 'burden' of your remembrance."

"This isn't about you freaks. It's about me!"

"You're right; this _whole _situation was about you!"

"That's not what I meant," I uttered dismissively, but Robin continued.

"This whole thing revolves around you. It _never_ involved us. But we stepped in. We got involved in a battle that didn't include us. And why? Because you are our friend, and we refused to stand by and watch you loose to an unfair fight."

"I know nothing about that."

"And that's why you're here," Cyborg assured me. "And that's why we're here too; to help you remember..."

"...and to also help you suppress your memory," Robin added. "Everything that's forgotten needs to be restored."

"You don't make _any_ sense. I don't understand."

"Just please trust us, Raven," Robin whispered.

He took a step towards me, offering his hand to cradle mine. I eyed it warily, deciphering the meaning of his pleas.

"You can trust us, and we trust you. We can help, but only if you let us, only if you trust us."

My weight shifted to my back foot as I watched Robin. His genuine concern caused my heart to flutter, my breath halting into heaving gasps. I slowly blinked away the delicate film of salted water upon my eyes, my bottom lip quivering. After containing my fright, I opened my mouth to speak, but a voice in my head spoke before I could answer.

_No._

My body suddenly jolted, as if an electrical shock coursed through my limbs. My heart started to beat rapidly yet steadily, pulsing rhythmically as a newfound source of energy overwhelmed my senses. I blinked quickly, adjusting to a heightened vision, then shivered violently due to my tense muscles. I looked back and forth between the two individuals who shared my presence, right as a strong feeling of hatred started to form within my mind.

"Dude!" Cyborg exclaimed. "What's happening to her?!"

True anger. Uncontrollable frustration. Tension built up all over my body, my eyes reduced to slits as I hungrily leered at them, the streams of tears on my cheeks no longer in existence. Robin and Cyborg were both aghast at the unexpected change in personality. The petrified girl, who had been softly crying and trying to run away had now became a menacing opponent, threatening to attack with a malicious grin. Seeing my captors' surprise, their immediate retreat backwards was a pleasure to witness, but I had a craving to watch them suffer, to switch roles and dominate them as they had to me.

_The idea to flee seemed so...cowardly. Why haven't I stood my ground like this before?_

_They deserve to face me, to feel my wrath. The purge of emotions I am about to release will remind them that they can't control me, that no matter where they place me, I'll rise to power every time. No one can stop me._

_My catharsis should be controlled. Something could happen._

_Something WILL happen._

"She's..." Cyborg stuttered. "She's-!"

"Raven, stop! Don't do anything!"

The light above us blew out, Robin and the mechanical man ducking for cover, but I didn't even flinch.

"You have no right to silence me," I told him in a deep, guttural voice.

"I'm asking you; please stop whatever you are doing!"

"No amount of pain could demonstrate how I had felt. You both earned the misery."

I approached them confidently, my hands balled into fists at my sides. Both were kneeling on the ground, fidgeting uncomfortably and avoiding my eye contact. Cyborg had his hands on his head, bending over as he gritted his teeth, trying to eliminate the nauseating pain in his bionic skull. One of Robin's hands was clenched against the ground while the other was grabbing at his neck. Robin was hunched over and his shoulders sagged, his arms trembling as if he had contacted cold weather. Both were squirming, grunting to overcome invisible pain that had swarmed them without warning.

And that's when I stopped in my tracks in utter dismay.

_Wait. Why are they-?_

My eyes went wide, bewildered as the boys never looked up, each suffering internally from unknown causes. In a moment's notice, I went limp, stumbling backward and barely catching myself, weakly using the wall for support. A horrible headache induced the idea to bring my hand to my forehead, where I realized how tender and swollen it had become, beads of sweat accumulating at the base of my head. I squeezed my eyes shut as I inhaled sharply, regulating an ideal breathing pattern again. When I reopened them, Robin and Cyborg were no longer displaying pain, yet they seemed just as confused as I was.

Cyborg sat up straighter, almost waiting to see if the pain would return, then slowly started to get up. Robin relaxed entirely, heaving as though he had nearly suffocated. Judging by the enlarged veins around his neck, it appeared that he had been choking on something.

Or by someone.

The communicating device on Robin's belt suddenly rang for attention, arousing another wave of goosebumps to pepper my skin due to consternation. That's when a persuasive voice in my head yelled at me.

_Go! Go on! This is my chance to escape. Hurry!_

Realization of the current situation dawned on me once more, and with haste, I darted down the corridor with Robin and Cyborg struggling to stand behind me.

"Raven! Don't go!" Cyborg had shouted, but I had already busted through the door to the stairwell.

* * *

Cyborg and Robin had recovered faster than I had assumed. I only made it down a flight of stairs before they had caught up with my pace. I had just turned to descend the next slope of steps when Robin dropped from above and landed in a crouched position in front of me. He slowly rose to level with me, his arms raised and prepared to spar. I nearly collided with him again, but I jumped back just in time, my own hands raised if needed for defense.

"Stop running away like that!" Robin barked, frustration seeping into his tone, but he instantly reeled and winced.

The masked leader seemed ashamed to expose his anger. He then continued in a calmer voice.

"We're trying our best to help but you keep running away. This is getting us _nowhere_!"

"Get out of my way!" I yelled at him, not afraid to show my own anger. "You think I'm going to willing let you take me?"

"For now," he explained to me. "But you have to comply."

I shook my head viciously.

"No one tells me what to do. I'm not following anyone's orders anymore."

"We aren't demanding loyalty," Robin reasoned with me. "We're trying to help!"

"No! You are _not _helping me in _any_ way!"

The confrontation I shared with Robin made me momentarily forget of Cyborg's presence. As a result, I was startled when I was pulled backwards by a pair of huge, cybernetic arms. Cold, metal hands coiled around my waist and brought me to their owner, squeezing me against a robotic body. I squirmed beneath the embrace, thrashing my immobile arms and legs to break free, but the tight hold sustained. I strained with the effort, grunting in annoyance at my failed success.

"Let me go!" I shouted, kicking violently as the arms constricted around me, preventing me from slipping free.

"Calm down, Raven," Cyborg whispered harshly at me, but I neglected his words.

"I said let me go! You can't do this!"

"Robin! Now!"

Cyborg held me high, squeezing me in a tight hug in the air, but after he addressed a command to Robin, I immediately spotted their leader approaching me. He hurriedly withdrew a palm-sized, glass tube from a compartment on his belt, to which he held up to inspect. He pulled off a plastic cap, which had concealed an inch-long, hollow needle. He rapidly shook the contents of the shot to prepare the injection, then started walking towards me. I struggled harder under the grasp, more frantic to escape.

"No!" I screamed as Robin came nearer, wielding the shot as a weapon.

I knew that if the needle punctured my skin, I would pass out in seconds. The shot probably contained another dosage of the drugs they had used to induce me to sleep. Seeing how quickly they had initiated a solution, it was obvious that they had planned for a situation like this ahead of time, as if they knew it would happen. They were prepared just in case.

"Now, man, do it now! Aim for her thigh!"

"Hold her down!" Robin proclaimed. "I need to get closer or else I'll miss."

Following his edict, Cyborg dropped me to the floor, his arms extended to push my flailing limbs against the ground to contain them. He pinned me hard enough that the pressure restricted minimal movement, but I still tried to wiggled out from beneath him, groaning under the weight of his mechanical arms. My vocal cords vibrated each time I howled, my voice haggard from yelling, but I never admitted defeat. Seeing Robin bend down at my side, approaching my exposed right leg made me go berserk with rage.

"NO!" I roared, violently struggling.

"Hurry up!" Cyborg complained, who was growing impatient with my constant attempts to escape.

"Keep her still!" Robin commanded, cautiously aiming the needle at an appropriate angle.

"She won't stay! Do it now!"

Hearing those words, I had lost all control. My muscles instantaneously constricted, my back arching as I shrieked for their mercy, my lungs wailing for air. Fists the size of softballs punched the ground at my sides, and despite my body radiating heat from burning energy, an eerie accumulation of coldness encompassed my tensed hands. At that moment, Robin released a gasp and staggered backwards in surprise, his hand now empty. Cyborg lifted his head to see what was wrong, but he was just as dumbfounded as Robin after noticing the missing object. Momentarily distracted, the mechanical man's arms lifted slightly, easing the pressure applied to my body, but it was enough for me to manipulate. Before Cyborg could resume, I sent a kick his way, which contacted his jaw. I scrambling to my feet, nearly tripping down the next flight of stairs as I fled with Cyborg and Robin calling after me.

The head start gave me enough time to run down several levels until the stairwell ended, bringing me up to a large metal door. I crashed my shoulder into it, heaving against the door as there was a crescendo of footsteps. After successfully opening it and slipping inside, I threw it closed, my back against the door.

The corridor was narrow, plush chairs and elongated couches lining the towering walls that stretched high above my head. The hallway ended at an entrance with a grand door framed in stainless steel. I gasped in delight, excitement building up in my chest upon seeing the only exit I had come across. But I halted when I heard a bell alarm ring from behind me. At the other end of the hallway, the elevator installed into the wall withdrew its metal walls, revealing the orange-skinned alien.

_Just the thing to make matters worse..._

I took off into a sprint, charging forward as the girl trailed behind me, calling my name. A moment later, Cyborg and Robin emerged from the stairwell and they joined the chase as well, forming a tiny mob that hunted for my capture. I reached the door before them, nearly busting into the wall for thinking it would open for my access. There was no handle to seek for since its sleek exterior would be tarnished, and no matter how many times I tried, it wouldn't open upon pushing against it. They all gathered behind me as my hands smacked the wall, my anger increasing each time my palm contacted the cold, metal surface.

"No!" I cried, punching the wall now with my puckered fists as if a punishment for the door's disobedience to my command. "No no _no_!"

I had gone so far to get here, and now it wouldn't open. I worked so hard to get away, risking my life to escape, and now I was cornered, all because the wall refused to separate. The whole scenario drove me insane.

"Please! _Please_ let me go! Get me out of here!"

My power and fury started to deteriorate, my limbs loosing strength to continuously beat the wall. I found myself growing limp, constricted fists relaxing to feeble hands that merely slapped the wall as if in a dull daze. Hope for the door to retreat, even if slightly ajar, was fading fast, and an overwhelming illness of ardent began to choke me. Tears spilled over my face, my throat congested with forgotten pleas.

"Don't keep me here," I croaked.

I sank to the floor in defeat, my hand gliding along the glazed metal as I settled in a heap. My forehead rested on the door, salted droplets of water plummeting to the floor. A single sob hiccuped my diaphragm before I continued lamenting.

"I don't _belong_ here."

The room had grown quiet as the three adolescents studied me. I was curled up at the base of the door, my face contorted with pain as tears slipped between my pinched eyes. By the time I had realized someone was approaching, a gloved hand nudged my shoulder.

"Raven-?"

I whirled around, throwing the intruder's hand off of me.

"No!" I wailed, cringing upon his touch.

I remained on the floor, looking up at Robin as he towered above me. I sniffed back the tears, wiping away a trail of slime from my nose with the back of my hand, but water still emerged from my irritated eyes.

"Friend Raven," Starfire cooed, silently walking towards the entrance.

"We won't hurt you," Cyborg assured me, joining the group to stand by Robin's side.

"You need to let us help," Robin explained, but I interjected.

"No! No, I won't let you! I won't let you take me away. I won't go back there. No!"

_They'll hurt me,_ a timid voice in my head spoke up. _They'll tie me down forever. I'll be stuck in that room, with them claiming that they're helping, but they aren't. They're big and scary; they're different. What if they try to make me different?_

"Raven-"

"Don't touch me!"

"It's not like that. You have to let me-"

"No!"

"I'm just-"

"Get away! Get away _now_!"

Robin had crouched to level with me. His hand then tried to hold mine but I immediately jerked my arm away, trying to act angry even though tears were visible. He tried again, but this time I sent a punch his way. As if Robin read my mind, he dodged the swing of my attack and used the opportunity to latch onto my wrist. His grasp was gentle but firm.

"Don't hurt yourself-"

"No! Don't do that!"

I struggled then tried again, but another green glove restrained my other hand. Frantic to escape, I began to cry harder, screaming at his grimaced face to release me, but Robin was firm. He was patient about speaking to me, but his voice was drowned in the constant drone of my shrill screams. That's when another individual entered the room.

"_Robin_?!" a voice squeaked.

Everyone turned around in surprise, but I never looked up, refusing to cease my struggle. I knew who it was the second he spoke up.

"Beast Boy!" Starfire exclaimed.

But Beast Boy wasn't paying attention. He watched Robin like a hawk as he held me in an attempt to calm the fight, but only more tears stung my violet irises.

"What are you doing?!" Beast Boy demanded. "Let her go!"

"Stay out of it, Beast Boy," Robin warned the green changeling.

"Dude! You're hurting her! Leave her alone!"

Beast Boy started towards us, but Cyborg intervened.

"She needs to get back to the medical ward," Cyborg piped up, challenging him with his height, but Beast Boy stood his ground.

"You _aren't _helping. She's scared beyond death for crying out loud! Robin!"

"I said to stay out of it," their leader shouted back harshly.

"Get away from her. Now!"

"I'm not trying to hurt her, Beast Boy. She's trying to attack!"

"She wouldn't if you didn't take her hands, now let her go!"

"Raven needs to be restrained before she hurts someone!"

"Dude! Listen to me! You're-!"

"Robin!" Starfire shouted in horror. "Release our friend; something is wrong!"

After my wrists were freed, I slumped back to the floor in exhaustion. Starfire and Robin gathered around me, unsure about how I would react, yet they wore worried faces. I sat against the door, panting excessively when the same shy voice whispered again.

_They got me. They finally got me. After everything I've done, it's all over. I had failed miserably. I'm defenseless. I'm weak. I can no longer fight. I'm now their's to keep. There's nothing I can do._

Hearing myself admit a deplorable defeat had a tremendous effect. I was already overwhelmed with depression, but the thoughts stimulated a sudden change in emotion. The contrast was like black and white, even though they both pertained to the same somber topic. However, the new form of lament unwillingly occurred, bringing a malignant conclusion, as well as a near-death experience.

My heart kicked my chest at an erratic tempo, my fingers twitching as energetic blood coursed my pulsing veins. My lungs spasmed with gasps, each breath ripping through my throat violently before being released hesitantly. I coughed viciously, but I was releasing more air faster than I could replace it. It was starting to take a toll on me.

Each time I exhaled, I started to crunch forward, cradling my swelling torso. I bent over so my body compressed my lungs, as if my organs were trying to eliminate all presence of oxygen within them. My gasps were congested with mucous, which caused me to gag, my lungs now pumping harder to prevent the hazard of choking. However, my coughs only expelled more nourishing air, putting more strain on my body as the vital craving for oxygen increased. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't regain control over my body. I could barely think as my vision faded, panic falling in rhythm with my ailing body.

"Raven?" Robin asked in disbelief.

My worsening breathing-pattern didn't give me a chance to respond.

"Raven? Raven, can you hear me?"

Hands grabbed my shoulders, giving a gentle shake for attention, but I was distracted by my convulsing lungs. I hardly noticed the interaction.

"Her body cannot withstand this pressure, Robin!"

"She's hyperventilating. It's a panic attack."

"She needs help!" Beast Boy wailed.

"She could pass out if she doesn't stop. We gotta get her back to the Infirmary."

My environment never seemed to exist. Everything else started to melt away, my captors' words blurring in unison. Flashes of obscurity strobed before my eyes so I squeezed them shut, my arms raised uselessly, unnaturally relaxed yet curled into my chest. The excessive trembling was an early sign of shock. Loosing circulation in my head, I was beginning to feel dizzy, as if I were being stirred continuously. Upon seeing the defects, the green changeling tried to protest to Robin, but he was interrupted.

"Here, let me-"

"Make room, Beast Boy. We have to move her."

"You can't move her while she's like this," Beast Boy argued.

"She needs to be in the Infirmary. Cyborg, get a wheelchair..."

"She won't even make it unless we do something. Let me help her!"

"I got medicine back at the place, BB. You gotta-"

"No! She'll be dead before it hits her blood. We have to do something _now_. Give me a chance. Trust me..."

The crowd quickly dispersed and Beast Boy took Robin's spot in front of me. By now, my breathing had been a labor, my hoarse rasps diminishing steadily. Inhaling had been greatly reduced, as if my throat was slowly closing. Now, only minimal amounts of air were allowed to enter. I fought harder, beads of sweat peppering my forehead while tears streamed down my inflamed cheeks. My lungs burned with effort, almost loosing the determination to breathe.

I knew I couldn't go on much longer.

"Raven."

I shut my eyes harder and furrowed my brows in concentration, my mouth agape and my teeth gritted in a nasty snarl.

"Raven. You need to calm down."

I hacked forcibly to expel the slimy waste lining my raw throat. Thrown forward, Beast Boy's hands caught my upper arms, his fingers wrapping around my limbs to hold me up as the impulse to fold over my stomach became apparent. I could only groan each time my body discharged a breath. As I became aware of the idea of suffocating by my body's own natural reaction to stress, I would be more frantic to breathe again. Only, I couldn't. I just couldn't do it.

"Can't..." I rasped, gurgling on my saliva. "No..."

"Beast Boy, she needs-"

"Wait! Hold up a second!"

He waited until I had cleared my mouth.

"Raven? Look at me, Raven."

My head had been bowed, my face scrunched in pain. A green hand released my arm and gingerly pulled my chin upwards. I stifled a cough, words exploding into my mind with no influence to be expressed.

"Raven, you need to stop."

A gloved finger glided along my quivering lips, wiping away the moisture.

"C'mon now. Look at me. Don't give in like that. You're fine. You're gonna be okay. Can you hear me? You're okay. Just stay with me. Raven? _Raven_?"

By then, my ears were clogged with the constant drumming of my heart. I couldn't stop the speed of my breathing. At one point, after I had exhaled, I panicked when I didn't naturally respire again. I was only allowed another quick drag before emitting another valuable breath.

It was as I gasped when I felt a pressure crush to my lips. Instinctively, I froze with the sudden, intimate contact, confusion bubbling within my mind. My eyes snapped open, revealing the close-up of a green face. A symphony of voices all screamed in my thoughts.

_Beast Boy!_

I was supine as the green-skinned boy leaned into me, his moist, ivory lips conforming to mine like a missing puzzle piece, slightly puckered due to the unplanned interaction. He held me there, my eyes wide with bewilderment as we shared a romantic gesture. My thoughts were buzzing wildly.

_Is he kissing me?!_

_He shouldn't be doing that!_

_I don't mind; he tastes kind of weird though..._

_Get him OFF of me!_

Beast Boy slowly pulled away, his eyes opening as he seemed worried to witness my reaction. He held a stoic expression while his luminous, emerald orbs were hopeful, twinkling with wonder as he gazed at me. After a few moments, I had realized that I had been holding my breath and I exhaled slowly to my astonishment. Beast Boy's face was grim, but his eyes showed relief. That's when I realized it.

_He kissed me, but only knowing that it would stop me from my panic episode. And by kissing me, he actually helped me. He kissed me, but he saved my life._

The green changeling backed away sheepishly, clenching his jaw to eliminate the knot in his throat. Starfire and Cyborg were appalled, and I could tell that Robin was too, but their leader masked his emotion. Robin approached me to investigate my health as Beast Boy retreated. He stood behind the group and crossed his arms, looking away mournfully, almost embarrassed that he performed an action in front of a tiny crowd. Cyborg placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, but Beast Boy never acknowledged it.

"Are you okay?" Robin asked me, pleading for a reply.

I took a deep breath and released it slowly, surprised at my tranquility. I could only nod meekly. Robin stood abruptly, frowning to himself. He shook his head as he mulled over his thoughts.

"I don't believe it," he mumbled, worry filling his tone. "Nevermore is collapsing."

* * *

**Author's Note:** I hope you guys like the story so far :) I still have so much to write! I need more time in life... *sigh* (And by the way, is _is_ clinically proven that a good way to stop panic attacks is to hold your breath ;) I'm sure you guys saw where I was going though... *grins*) Okay, so until next time, bye!


	6. A Song of Love and Loss

**Author's Note:** I just found out that using Google Drive is WAY easier than a stupid App on my phone :) So what's up, everybody? Ughhh I got work soon and I'm having this stupid Writer's Block a few chapters up but c'mon I'm probably more excited than everyone to post another chapter lol XD Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary: **Raven creates a distraction to flee, desperately trying to find a way out of the Tower. She encounters the Titans on numerous occasions and barely escapes by unknowingly using her powers, which are heavily influenced by Rage. When she reaches the front door, the Titans surround her and she suffers from a panic attack due to her fright. Beast Boy is the only one who could help her so he kisses Raven to calm her down. Robin then declares that the trouble resides in Nevermore.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 6: _A Song of Love and Loss_

Starfire gasped, her cupped hands hiding her gaping mouth.

"Nevermore?" she questioned him. "You are sure?"

"Positive," Robin confirmed, glaring at the floor. "It took me a while to see the pattern, but I can see the connection. It all makes sense; her moods swings, her eccentric actions; they all originate from her mind. Nevermore is in trouble."

"So you're saying she's only losing more memory?" Cyborg asked him, smirking at Robin's theory.

"Not exactly," he admitted. "I think the amnesia somehow destroyed Nevermore."

When Robin mentioned my amnesia, Beast Boy had shifted uncomfortably on his feet in the background. Everyone pretended not to notice.

"I mean, that's her mind, right? That's where she keeps her memories. If she forget something, then that must mean there's some damage to her brain; that's where Nevermore is."

"Will she recover from her illness?" Starfire inquired innocently, holding her clasped hands to her heart to show sympathy.

Robin only sighed glumly.

"I have no way of knowing. Only Raven could give us that answer."

Hearing my name, I looked up at the group of teenagers who seemingly ignored my existence. Offended, I curled my legs into my chest and wrapped my arms around them, reclining in a tranquil position to calm myself. I rocked slowly, focused only on my breathing. The discussion continued solemnly.

"So what do we do now?" Cyborg asked them, looking around for a response.

"I'm not sure," Robin apologized.

"I fear that it will be difficult to help Raven."

"We can't give up."

Everyone turned to look at the owner of the squeaky voice.

"Never said we were," Robin replied craftily.

"Raven needs us now more than ever. We know what's wrong and all we have to do is fix her."

"That won't be so easy, BB," Cyborg piped up somberly.

"It's amnesia, not a permanent memory-loss," Beast Boy insisted. "You dudes tried triggering it, and, yeah, it didn't work out, but maybe all she needs is to re-learn everything from scratch."

"Re-teach everything that she forgot? Man, we don't even _know_ what she forgot!"

"Cyborg is right, Beast Boy, but you're onto something. We can look further into it later, but we should take Raven back to the Infirmary before we discuss anything else."

After everyone silently agreed, Robin walked up to me and offered his hand. I gazed at it quietly, my mind blank.

"C'mon. Let's get you back where you're safe."

I swallowed hard and accepted his hand, allowing the teenager to pull me to my feet. Robin raised an eyebrow when I teetered slightly, debating whether or not he should help, but I shook my head and continued down the corridor, following Robin's lead to the elevator. The crowd separated to let me pass. Starfire smiled kindly and Cyborg nodded firmly to show respect, but Beast Boy didn't dare to share eye contact. Pulling my vision away, I blushed slightly as I strode down the hallway towards Robin.

_I didn't thank him,_ a worried voice in my head reminded me. _What if he thinks I don't appreciate what he did?_

_He saved me! That was cool of him. Of course I appreciate him!_

_But he doesn't think that..._

The leader of the group of unsupervised teenagers and I climbed aboard the platform, the door closing behind us. As we soared up several levels, Robin spoke up.

"You okay?"

I confined myself to the opposite corner of the chamber. I nodded timidly, blinking my irritated eyes.

"Look. Raven, I didn't mean to scare you back there. I had no idea that I was hurting you and I'm sorry that-"

"No," I told him quickly. "No, you weren't hurting me."

"I know that I caused the panic attack though..."

"Not really," I stammered, playing with the fabric of my shirt to keep my trembling hands occupied. "I just freaked out is all."

"What happened back there wasn't a little thing. I'm trying to apologize here..."

I remained quiet, unable to produce a reply. Robin stiffened.

"Raven?"

"You don't have to apologize," I muttered harshly. "Just forget about it. I don't want to remember anyway."

Robin hesitated, preparing to argue, but nodded in understanding, not wanting to upset me more.

When the elevator stopped, Robin exited swiftly while I trudged behind him. He fluently typed in a password into a keypad, the striped door to the tiny medical facility separating gallantly. Robin stood in the doorway, waiting for me to enter. I shyly looked down at my feet before walking inside, Robin following.

"It's for the best," he explained minutes later as he began to attach my body with the wires and tubes. "For precautions. You won't be needing it for long."

I nodded grimly, holding out my arms so Robin could proceed. He hooked up the plastic circuitry to a new bottle of medication, which he vigorously shook before hanging it upside-down, allowing it to dispose its contents into my body one drop at a time. He tinkered with the equipment around me, reading the displayed graphics on the screens to make sure nothing was abnormal. After that, he handed me what appeared to be a necklace of tubes that connected to a glass cylinder beside the frame of the gurney. It was what helped me breathe when I woke up about 2 days ago.

"Please?" Robin insisted, holding it out to me. "In case something happens, this'll help right away."

Reluctantly, I loosely hung the tubing around my neck, inserting the stubbed notches into my nostrils. Robin switched on the appliance, the pump jumping rhythmically, my lungs now swelling with fresh air rich in oxygen. I sighed in comfort and nodded at Robin. He seemed relieved as well.

"Will you be okay here?" Robin asked.

I hugged my knees into my chest, hunching over my legs to gather warmth.

"You tell me," I quipped sarcastically.

Robin pretended that he didn't hear my sarcasm.

"You'll be left alone for a while. Me and the other Titans need to have a discussion."

"So I'll be abandoned in here?"

"We'll be in there," Robin assured me, pointing to the tinted window across the room. "We won't be gone for long."

I dropped my head, my chin resting to my bent knees. I groaned.

"Okay then."

"Everything alright?"

"_Super_."

"Try to get some rest," Robin suggested, detecting my sarcastic weariness. "It'll do you some good."

I already knew that going to bed was a bad idea. Even though I had calmed down enough, my mind was still awake with the fresh memory and the goosebumps on my limbs haven't subsided yet. Attempting to nap would only end up in vain, even though I was exhausted.

"Thanks, but I'm alright," I replied bitterly, not exactly thankful for the teenager's idea.

"Just hang out here and I'll be back soon. We'll get you situated after we figure out some things."

Although Robin was dubious of my previous statement about my current health, he left the room without another word. Moments later, after peering through the bullet-proof glass, I detected quick flashes of movement, which I assumed had been Robin. Not long afterwards, more shadows appeared, the members of the teenaged-group filing into the chamber to discuss further plans about me. The thought caused me to blush and I dug my face deeper into my arms, which had been coiled around my legs.

_Calm down,_ I chided myself. _Everything's fine. It's okay now._

_It's not me I'm worried about. It's them._

I raised my eyes, focusing on the window.

_I wonder what they're saying…_

_They're making fun of me, aren't they?_ a voice whined in my head.

_There's hardly any respect,_ spat another.

I groaned, burying my face into my arms once more.

_Why do I even DO this?_ I thought. _I'm just arguing with myself!_

_No I'm not!_

_This is just too stupid!_

_It's comforting..._

_It's WEIRD!_

I looked up again, glaring at the wall in disgust.

_It's their fault!_ I shouted mentally. _Not mine! I didn't do this before my memory-loss...at least, I don't think..._

_How WOULD I know? I hardly remember my own name!_

_I don't even think "Raven" is my name._

_It's a pretty name. I like it!_

_Ugh I'm DOING it AGAIN!_

I combed my hands through my hair, using my fingers as an attempt to rid of the diatribe of thoughts within my mind. I waited a couple moments, digging my nails into my skull while gritting my teeth, trying to suppress my mentalities.

_Not normal. NOT normal..._

My gaze fell on the window, targeting the shadow of what I had assumed was the leader of the unsupervised adolescents.

_Just please hurry up, guys,_ I thought sadly. _I can't take being alone with my thoughts..._

* * *

While cradling myself on the gurney, I jumped when the door within the wall suddenly pulled apart. As if on cue to my desire, the teenagers entered the room, ushered in by an eager Robin.

"Hey," he greeted weakly. "We decided to move the meeting in here, if you don't mind..."

"Oh," I simply said, masking my relief. "Sure, I guess."

_Not like I had any control if I didn't agree..._

_That's kind of ironic..._

"Is there any reason why?"

The leader hesitated before he spoke up without confidence.

"We, uh, thought that you should be included too. We assumed that you would want a say in what we're deciding."

"Okay then," I replied nervously.

Cyborg, Starfire and Robin all gathered around the gated bed. As they huddled together, I immediately noticed an absence, and thinking of his name had reminded me of what had happened and I instinctively flamed my cheeks. However, I didn't dare to point out the obvious problem for fear of mockery or being labeled a position that I didn't want to own. Robin announced the argument, ceasing my bumbling thoughts.

"Alright, team. Let's pick up where we left off."

"We had been discussing the possible ways to reach succession," Starfire replied, contributing knowledge.

"We were talking about Nevermore," Cyborg clarified. "We know something's wrong and we gotta do something about it."

"Right," Robin agreed. "Only, we have another problem to deal with first; Raven's amnesia."

"Her loss of memory originates from Nevermore, correct?"

"Yeah, but Star, the thing is that her amnesia caused the trouble in Nevermore. We need to fix Nevermore, but to do that, we need to fix Raven's amnesia. And that's it. We don't know how to return it."

"I have suggested a tour of the tower for her, however we never had the opportunity."

"Showing Raven her stuff hardly helped," Cyborg piped up. "A tour might not help as much either. There's obviously more damage in her brain than we thought."

"She seems just fine," Robin argued, glancing at me. "You gave her the drugs once we got back to the tower and Beast Boy had safely led her to the ground. She wasn't in any harm and she's almost physically stable now. What could be wrong?"

"Her mind," Cyborg responded grimly.

"Her amnesia?" Starfire inquired.

"More than that. She was influenced somehow, remember? Raven wasn't tortured into doing anything she didn't want to do; in fact, she acted like she _wanted_ to do those things. When she came to again, her memory was wiped, but not entirely, which means it didn't go too deep. But, do ya get what I'm trying to say? It was all mental. Raven's mind was controlled somehow..."

"Could it have been something that _he_ did to her?" Robin asked Cyborg slowly, praying for the opposite answer he didn't want to hear.

The mechanical man disagreed by shaking his head.

"I don't know, man. It couldn't have been any kind of drugs. The medication I gave Raven rinsed her system, and they would have left her body by now anyway. After scans and tests, I couldn't find any of Slade's devices implanted inside her. There's no trace of anything that could have been used to affect her, but now there's no way of knowing."

"You do not believe that he _convinced_ her, yes?" Starfire challenged them worriedly. "She could not have gained such intentions over a short period of time..."

"I can't say anything but my opinion," Cyborg confessed apologetically. "I won't know unless I do actual experiments. I took samples and I'm having them tested, but only to make sure that she's not sick. So far, she's healthy and she's responding without a problem. Well, except for her memory loss..."

There was an uncomfortable silence between the group. I nuzzled my face deeper into my legs to evade the awkward break in conversation. Robin turned to me, seeking for advice.

"What do you think, Raven?" he inquired.

Staring down, I meekly shook my head, almost annoyed by his question.

"I don't know what to think," I responded bitterly, gripping my legs closer to my body.

Starfire countered Robin's response, only directed to the entire group.

"What are we going to do now?"

Robin crossed his arms, his gaze adverted to the floor. Cyborg awkwardly scratched the back of his head, trying to stall time before responding.

"I'm not sure," he answered.

"What about Beast Boy's suggestion?"

Robin scowled.

"Do you really think that we can pull that off, Star?"

The alien replied with an encouraging smile.

"Perhaps if we work together, we will be able to divide her knowledge and teach what has been lost."

"Like what?" Cyborg asked.

"The use of her abilities; her history; _us_."

Cyborg and Robin exchanged glances.

"How will she master her powers again?" Robin asked her, seeking a flaw that would force the group to collaborate for another idea.

"I have possessed her abilities once," Starfire responded proudly. "Having used them, I am available to teach Raven what I know, and when she excels past my knowledge, she will be able to learn for herself. There is a lot that I do not know, as well as a lot that Raven must discover without my aid. However, basic maneuvers are to my advantage."

"That could work," Cyborg agreed with inspiration. "We can train her everyday through the systems that I've installed. She has her books and magic stuff to study from too. If y'all pitch in, we can help Raven."

"You really think that this can work?" Robin asked, slightly unsure. "Will Raven ever be her old self again?"

"I guess I'm with BB and Star on this one," Cyborg admitted. "This is our best bet. Even if positive results come back, there's nothing I can do to cure her amnesia. She might just need to figure things out for herself before she remembers again."

Robin seemed wary as he pondered, almost appearing worried, but eventually agreed. Starfire smiled widely while Cyborg grinned, standing up.

"Alright! I guess we can call this meeting off?"

"Oh joy!" Starfire sang, clapping eagerly.

Robin didn't seem too convinced.

"We should start immediately," Robin announced. "Raven should begin early tomorrow morning."

Everyone, including me, was dumbfounded by Robin's command.

"Tomorrow?" Cyborg asked. "Do you really think that-?

"We can't delay something as important as this," the masked boy confirmed. "It's a danger now that Raven lost her memory. Not just a problem for her, but for us. We lost an ally during missions. She needs to get back as soon as possible."

"This kinda stuff can't be rushed, man," Cyborg warned him.

"I won't rush her into doing something that she's not comfortable with, but I'm not going to let her sit here and do nothing either. She could be productive with something..."

"Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a help," I retorted sarcastically, sticking my nose into the air and turning away.

"That's not what I meant."

"You freaks actually expect me to serve and pamper myself?"

I pouted as I rolled my eyes.

"And you think that I'll believe the 'friends' story."

"It is not the ideal time to discuss these matters," Starfire told me, flying nearer and extending a hand. "If you would please, may I-?"

The alien winced when she saw the daggers that my lavender irises launched at her. She quietly retreated back to Robin's side, as if out of comfort. Ignoring my sadistic outburst, he continued to the other Titans.

"Can you imagine what would happen if anyone finds out?" Robin asked, hoping to persuade them. "What happened to Raven was bad enough for the public; if other villains learn about Raven's amnesia, they'll come for her. They might use that as an advantage to hurt her. For all we know, they might be planning something already. Losing a member on the team is hard enough; we're weakened during missions. That's why we should start training immediately, if that's what we're going to do..."

"I hear ya, man," Cyborg answered tiredly. "But there's not much that I can do. It was on the news channel, remember? People might have gotten their own videos of her too."

"They didn't get much," Robin argued. "We even slammed the door on them when the reporters came to question us."

"Yes," Starfire chimed in. "However, it had been clear that Raven was the individual who had attacked the crew of reporters, as well as the device of recording."

I burrowed my face into my arms, suppressing a sob that threatened to tie my throat into a knot. Blinking rapidly, tears welled up in my eyes, making me want to rub them like a groggy child. It's still hard to hear this kind of stuff. Whoever they're talking about, I know that it's me.

A different me.

A _past_ me.

A character who no longer exists, but it was me all along. Me, but not me. And each time I try to clarify that to myself, my insides squirm with discomfort and my mind throbs as if a hammer hacks away at my skull from the inside. I resist the temptation to cry, swallowing hard in my arid mouth.

"Can you figure something out by tomorrow?" the masked boy asked the alien, pleading for assurance.

"Yes, but I do not want to apply the stress to Raven so soon," she interjected. "I want to teach Friend Raven, however I fear that she may not be ready to start the vigorous training."

"Just start out slow and build from there. Do you have any idea where to start?"

Starfire only frowned.

"In order to begin training, she must know of the aspects that affect her abilities," she explained. "Perhaps I could initiate a simple lecture, then teach her the basics of meditating. She may then proceed when I am able to approve."

"Sounds fine to me," Cyborg agreed.

He glanced at me, frowning when he detected my silent struggle to defend my tears. The mechanical man continued hesitantly in a softer tone, as if not to disturb my being.

"And let her rest a bit more. She looks like she needs it."

Cyborg smiled kindly before he departed, leaving Starfire and Robin to tend to my needs. Robin altered the settings on the medical appliances crowding the gurney while Starfire adjusted the mattress to an ideal angle for snoozing, and helped approve of a perfect temperature for the swaddling sheets. I was offered various selections of supper, primarily suggesting that I consume a meager serving of a vegetable broth before I sleep, to which I declined, even though I craved anything edible. Eventually, annoyed with the teenagers' constant coaxing, I ordered a hot beverage, which they believed would be beneficial towards falling asleep. Minutes later, I accepted a glassy, jet-black mug that held a steaming liquid. I couldn't help but feel relieved when I recognized the scent of the hot drink, sniffing the warm, vanilla fragrance for pleasure. I downed the cup in less than a minute, only taking a break between sips when I feared the beverage would burn my throat.

Once finished, after returning the mug, I tried my best to find a comfortable position as Robin left, appearing behind the window to prepare the sleeping dosage of morphine. Starfire had just finished switching my IV chords.

"Please rest," she told me, smoothing the blankets around my body, like a mother tucking her child into bed.

The maternal aspect from the alien female was hard to miss. Her amiable characteristics made it easy to gain a likability, which often conflicted with my intentions.

"I wish for you to not feel the guilt for today. I want you, Friend Raven, to forgive yourself, and to forgive me as well."

"What for?" I asked her, perplexed to her request.

"I, too, feel the blame," she replied apologetically. "I am not happy about what has happened, and I feel as though I am responsible."

I couldn't dare to look into her green eyes. The girl seemed so innocent at the moment. She never did anything wrong; it was me who caused the trouble today, and yet she felt like she had started the whole problem.

_Her heart must be made of solid gold,_ I thought.

"It's okay," I told her. "You shouldn't feel sorry. You did nothing wrong."

Starfire smiled softly and bowed her head.

"Neither did you."

She then began to float away peacefully, heading towards to door in resign. The appliance connected to the IV in my arm vibrated to life. I could see the ounces of clear fluid preparing to drip into the plastic circuitry, which would eventually lead to my veins and force me to succumb to sleep. Before the medication could be launched, I called for help, an idea springing into my head.

"Wait!"

Starfire, now alert, whirled around and was at my side in an instant.

"Stop the drugs," I begged her. "Don't let him start them!"

The alien didn't hesitate to react. Never questioning my urgent command, she flew to the window and waved her arms, signaling attention from Robin. The masked boy clicked a button, which opened a speaker beside the window. His worried voice echoed from within the room, framed in static.

"Starfire? What's wrong?"

"Do not release the medication!" she told him frantically. "Cancel the injection!"

"Star?"

"Now, Robin!"

Without further argument, Robin remotely shut down the IV machine. He arrived at the entrance of the Infirmary, demanding to understand the problem.

"Why did you make me stop the IV?" he asked her, obviously frustrated. "I thought something bad happened to Raven!"

"But, Robin, there _is_ something wrong," Starfire replied quietly, turning towards me. "Friend Raven gave me the request, and I could not ignore her plea."

"What's going on, Raven?" Robin asked me as he approached my bedside, wary of a problem.

"Don't put them in me," I told him in a shaky voice. "I don't want to be drugged again."

"It's painless," he explained. "You've had them before, remember? They're supposed to help you sleep."

"I know," I protested earnestly. "But, I want to fall asleep on my own."

"You need to rest," the masked boy emphasized.

"Then let me sleep without drugs," I argued defiantly. "I shouldn't be forced into a coma each night."

"I'm sorry about that, Raven, but they aren't harmful. Cyborg and I are careful about the dosages so it's safe."

"But why do I have to be drugged?"

Robin withheld a response, as if recounting a memory.

"Better to be safe than sorry," he said at last.

"Please don't drug me," I whimpered. "I can sleep without them."

"They aren't dangerous, Raven."

"Please!"

"Robin..." Starfire cooed, her hand squeezing the masked boy's shoulder affectionately.

"I don't want her getting hurt," the masked boy whispered somberly. "Something could happen…"

The alien gazed at him, silently pleading. Robin shook his head, but Starfire's pitiful, jade eyes won the argument. He sighed solemnly.

"Alright," Robin agreed, although he wasn't pleased with the final decision. "I'll cancel the dosage."

Robin left as swiftly as he had entered, leaving Starfire in the room with me.

"Thank you," I whispered, grateful for her help.

_I can't even begin to describe her,_ I thought to myself. _I don't think I've ever met anyone this kind._

_Have I?_

The tangerine girl with abnormal, lime-green scleras smiled at me before she wordlessly exited the room. I waited patiently for Robin to finish his work in the control room, and when he returned, he removed the IV chord from my arm, leaving the needle in my skin, explaining that it'll be used again anyway.

"We'll be nearby," Robin said to me. "We'll check on you to make sure everything's alright, okay?"

"Is that even necessary?" I questioned him.

"Just in case," he replied.

"For what? Another episode?"

I huffed in annoyance.

"Yeah, well, I trust you too."

Robin shrugged, obviously frustrated with my sarcasm, even though he knew it was true, but his response was unaffected, which surprised me.

"Better to be safe than sorry."

I raised an eyebrow to his answer, but never acknowledged it. The leader of the Titans walked out, the door softly closing behind him. I waited a few moments, expecting to witness Robin's shadow within the tinted window, but all was still. Finally, since the day I had woken up from my deep slumber, I was alone. _Truly_ alone. No one to constantly monitor me from the control room; no one to escort me everywhere like a prisoner.

It was just me.

* * *

With the lights dimming to my command, I nestled into the heated sheets sprawled over the gated gurney, relieved to finally enjoy a privy, stagnant tranquility. I rested for a while, my eyes closed and my body still, but I never dipped into slumber. However, I was too drowsy that when I heard the door to the Infirmary slide open, I barely reacted, even though the intruder attracted my attention.

"Is she still asleep? How long has she been out?"

"She hasn't moved in a while. I wouldn't want to wake her though."

It surprised me that not only Robin entered the room, but so did Beast Boy. Suddenly nervous with getting caught awake, I tried my best to remain still, inhaling deep breaths to appear as if asleep.

"Why didn't you give her that stuff this time?" Beast Boy whispered, almost upset.

"She begged me not to," Robin answered pitifully. "I felt bad about it, but I'm just as worried as you are."

"Yeah, right," Beast Boy retorted.

I heard the green changeling's footsteps softly pad across the room, my back now facing the adolescent males indulged in a conversation.

"You can't go back into old habits," Robin suddenly said. "Besides, without the drugs, she'll wake up and see you eventually."

"She'll have to see me eventually," Beast Boy countered. "You can't keep me from seeing her."

"What if all she sees in you is bad memories?" Robin asked him. "You would probably be the last thing she remembers. I don't want that to be the first memory she relives."

"We've had way more good memories than bad ones," he argued. "I'm sure that she'll realize that soon."

"There's no telling when her memory will return. It could go in chronological order, and if it does, she'll remember-"

"Trust me, I don't want her to remember any less than you do," Beast Boy said suddenly, cutting off Robin's sentence. "It's bad enough with just me remembering and having Raven clueless."

There was a short pause, in which I heard the closet door open and close. The bed to my right shifted underweight before Beast Boy spoke again.

"What do you plan on doing with her?"

"Star, Cyborg and I talked about it with Raven," he replied. "And we're going through with your idea. Tomorrow, we'll to try to train her somehow. Star said that she could help since she had her powers before."

"What about her memory? Will you anything to help her with that?"

"Right now, no, but Cy's been working on it."

"That should've been the first thing to do. That's what I meant by teaching her everything again. Why try to train her to use her powers while she still has amnesia? What good would that do?"

"She should at least know how to protect herself," Robin concluded.

"From what?" Beast Boy spat harshly. "Villains? Crime? I'm not gonna let her leave the Tower until she's okay, and as long as she's here, he can't get to her. I promised her that."

"You really said that to her?"

"Whatever. I promised myself."

"We do care, Beast Boy. We're trying to help too. You're not the only one who's worried."

"I'm more than worried," Beast Boy muttered tiredly. "I'm scared, angry, frustrated. What happened doesn't make any sense. How could she do that and then forget everything?"

"Slade had her," Robin explained sympathetically. "He could have done anything to her. Remember when he had me? I was merciless when I challenged all of you, but only because he had something to hold above my head, to threaten me with if I disobeyed. Slade would've hurt you guys if I hadn't done what I did, and I was willing to do anything to make sure everyone was safe from him. He might have done the same with Raven..."

"And for that, I wanna be the one to end everything with Slade."

I could hear both individuals approach my bed. They stood at the far end of the gurney, most likely surveying me as I supposedly slept. I heard Robin sigh.

"If you do it tonight, you'll probably wake her," he said softly. "I want her to rest as much as possible."

"I wanna keep to my word," Beast Boy replied. "I did this every night since she fell into the coma; it would be wrong to stop."

"I'm not judging you, but without the morphine in her system, she could go on another rampage, especially if she wakes to find you here. That might surprise her a bit..."

Robin chuckled nervously at that.

"Just gimme a minute," he ordered the masked boy. "If something does happen, then ready the drugs."

Robin hesitated, but soon I heard his footsteps softly retreat from the room. Beast Boy walked to the other side of the gated bed and knelt before me. His shaky breathing indicated that he was nervous, or perhaps on the verge of tears. His tone was hushed yet powerful as he whispered into my face. I could only pretend to be asleep while I anxiously listened to his lullaby.

"Goodnight, Rae," the green boy cooed in prayer.

_"Please be safe from the night,_

_as you sleep by my side,_

_never in pain,_

_never restrained,_

_but always free to fly._

_Shielded from harm,_

_from the evil that follows you as you pave_

_a life away from your haunting past,_

_from the false fate you overthrew_

_for a life outside the boundaries_

_of your heritage._

_Promise me your safety and your protection,_

_and in return I promise you mine._

_Balanced as one,_

_surrounded by our friends,_

_your life sustains along_

_with my own,_

_for without your presence_

_upon this Earth,_

_my heart will cease to beat."_

Beast Boy pulled a strand of hair from my face with the back of his hand and planted a soft kiss to my forehead. He then stood and spoke another line of poetry to conclude his words.

_"At times, darkness may be a better friend_

_than the light,_

_but never forget who the enemy is."_

The machines swarming the gurney hummed rhythmically to correspond with Beast Boy's passionate lyrics, the darkness enveloping me in a dreary state of mind. Beast Boy obviously knew that I had been awake, but never acknowledged it to me, as if he wanted me to hear his words, to hear him recite his little poem. His fingers simply brushed my cheek affectionately before he left. The bed stirred restlessly behind me before utter silence. I never dared to open my eyes. I snuggled deeper into the mattress, pulling the thin blankets to my chin, curling up into a fetal position for comfort.

_Just go to sleep,_ I instructed myself. _Don't think about anything; just sleep._

I welcomed slumber like a long-lost friend, but what I didn't know is that over time, friends may change sides and oppose the memories that you have of them. And like a hero dramatically becoming a villain, what I thought would be a lulling dream gradually underwent the realization of the danger with which nightmares can dwell poison your mind.

* * *

**Author's Note: **(I'm starting to realize how bad I am at summaries, especially the entire summary of my story...I need to work on that XP) Anyways, I think that you guys will love the next chapters :) I still got a lot to write! See you soon!


	7. A Midnight's Vision

**Author's Note:** Hi guys. I'm sorry that I didn't post sooner. There's been a lot of personal conflicts lately and I've been way out-of-sorts. A lot happened and I'm okay now, but I definitely hit a low point in my life that I've been trying to avoid for ages. Once again, I'm sorry, but I made sure to write up some new chapter to make me feel better :) So, if any of you still have questions about what happened to Raven (and you feel like you're learning only a little at a time) then I'm doing my job :) My goal in this story is to explain it slowly with a few hints per chapter, kinda like a dirty way of keeping ya hooked *mischievous grin* But don't worry. By the end of my story, EVERYTHING will be explained, I promise :) I'm working a couple chapters ahead, and I wrote everything down and planned it all long before I started writing this nearly a year ago. It will make sense soon enough ;) Anyways, enjoy the chapter! (You guys are due for some insight, so maybe this can help a bit...) ^_^

**A Previous Summary:** After Raven's panic attack, the Titans suspect that the problem is from Nevermore, but Raven is oblivious to the connection. Once back at the Infirmary, they discuss possible ways to overcome the sudden amnesia. They all eventually agree that best solution would be to teach Raven what she had forgotten, like her abilities and her history with the Titans. They put her to bed without drugs, upon Raven's request, which unknowingly allows her to overhear a conversation between Beast Boy and Robin, as well as a poem composed by Beast Boy himself. However, Raven felt that something was wrong as she dozed off after the _Song of Love and Loss._

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 7: _A Midnight's Vision_

There was the existence of an area unlike any I have ever seen. One whose vast surface was composed entirely of dehydrated rock, lacking the nutrient-rich soil required to sustain simple vegetation. And in the atmosphere above me, the sky had grown ill with a smoggy darkness, speckled with constellations of stars that radiated a crimson hue, reminding me of droplets of blood upon a black sheet of silk. I stood, alone and motionless, among the overwhelming setting. The air was heavy with silence, produced from the privy location that possessed no other presence, yet the arid climate was that of a desert, sharing the torrid temperature as well. As my amethyst eyes scanned the horizon, I detected a flaw. In disturbance to the flat, barren landscape of crusted bedrock, a massive, bowl-shaped crater dented the ground. Debris scattered the border of the imprint of impact, large rocks and boulders fringing the area to show destruction. Only, what could have caused such a disaster in the middle of nowhere?

Large flakes of baked clay patterned the cracked ground like a spider's web. I walked on eggshells as I cautiously approached the crater, curiosity drawing me like a moth to a flame. It took an eternity to arrive at my destination, and I halted at the edge of the unnatural depression in elevation, bewildered at the sight.

Someone was in there.

I leaned closer and peered inside the crater, surprised to see the remains of a mangled cadaver lying face-first into the depleted dirt. The bulky body, obviously a male, was dressed in a metallic suit of armor that displayed no skin, his skull compacted into a metal mask. Even from a distance, I could see hints of damage to the corpse, including a long, jagged scar in the mask, as if the body had plummeted from a great height. The collision was so recent that dust still painted the air, gradually settling to the earth.

Seduced by the mystery of what had caused such a ruination, I hiked down the steep slope that led into the crater until I stood several inches away from the unresponsive body. I could only stare, petrified yet intrigued by the scene of death. And yet, somehow, I felt a connection. I felt a sense of guilt. I didn't know this person. I had no clue who or what had killed him. But, on the same token, I felt responsible for the incident.

My pity became evident.

I willed myself to walk away, but as I turned on my heel, my back to the cadaver, a hand that I thought had lost the Breath of Life had grappled my ankle with cold, metal fingers and yanked me backwards. My mouth was opened, but no sound of a scream could be produced. Taken completely by shock, desperately trying to tug my foot free, I whirled around to see the body slowly stirring awake, even though his hand attacked with the speed of a viper. The man dramatically raised his head, and I gasped when I recognized the 2 pairs of red, demonic eyes. The man's mouth was concealed by the mask, but he laughed maliciously, his voice tuned to a booming baritone.

"_It's time to go to sleep,_" the masked man hissed.

I struggled harder against the iron grip, collapsing to the land on my back as I kicked ferociously. I thrashed around wildly, my throat straining to call for help, but despite the resurrected corpse's laugh, the landscape couldn't have been more hushed, as if eagerly awaiting for my damnation. Every limb of my body reacted negatively, squirming with all of my might to free myself. My vocal cords vibrated brutally yet remained mute, and the grip of the cadaver's hand only seemed to constrict tighter around my ankle.

My eyes now pinched shut, the man's haunting voice crescendoed within my mind. As the volume increased, I found myself curling into a fetal position on my side, my hands covering my ears as I howled to counter the demonic laugh, though I couldn't hear myself speak. My muscles constricted, trembling from fright; I was begging for mercy, admitting defeat. I either wanted it to stop or to be killed in an instant, and at such an intense moment, any option would be a relief to endure. And just when I thought the metal man's laugh couldn't be any louder, I threw myself into a sitting position and opened my eyes, releasing a bloodcurdling shriek from my mouth.

I screamed until my lungs couldn't expel anymore air, forcing me to haltingly gasp for more. Tears swelled within my irritated eyes and they spilled over my cheeks at a rapid rate, my enlarged pupils still believing they are experiencing the nightmare. Soon, my screams evaporated and faded into retching sobs, causing me to bend over the knees curled into my chest and weep uncontrollably into my arms. My throat was scalded and burned painfully, my voice reduced to dry whimpers and hoarse cries, and I couldn't regain a steady tempo for my racing heart.

The dream felt all too real.

My limbs were peppered in goosebumps from the distinct feeling of my ankle being snatched. My ears still faintly detected the deep chuckle of the masked man, but were now ringing. And the landscape that I had been in; I've been there before. Those four red eyes, the crater, that man; I've seen those all at one point in my life.

_A forgotten memory,_ I assumed. _And one that should have stayed forgotten._

My mournful wails had not gone unheard. The Infirmary had been bustling with activity ever since I had the nightmare, but as soon as I had started to cry, each individual had gathered around the gurney, unsure how to react. I never bothered to acknowledge any of them. I couldn't have cared less knowing I suffered a catharsis with the Titans as witnesses. However, it took me the longest time to realize that as I wept, I was enveloped in another pair of arms.

Without hesitation, I sat up and collapsed into Beast Boy, who had been sharing the right side of the mattress with me after I had woken up. I buried my face into his chest, heaving with harsh cries as I hugged him, thankful for his presence.

"I- I'm sorry..." I choked, my face puckered in embarrassment. "It's all m- my fault..."

Beast Boy's arms bundled around me, pulling me into his lean, warm body. His chin rested on my head, his voice soft and friendly to counter my continual, hiccuping sobs.

"I'm here," Beast Boy whispered into my hair. "I'm here for you. You're okay now. You're safe."

"It was _real_," I whimpered, sniffing my congested nose. "He...he went for me and I- I tried to get away, but I couldn't! He wouldn't let me go!"

"Who?" the green changeling asked quietly after a patient silence, not wanting to upset me. "Who was it?"

In response, my throat contorted and I could only bite my lip and shake my head bitterly. More tears rolled down my cheeks and I hugged Beast Boy tighter, experiencing another episode of cries.

For what seemed like hours, I remained in the green boy's lap, the group of teenagers empathetically waiting around us. With his arms wrapped firmly around me, Beast Boy hushed my whimpers and gradually lulled my frequent cries, his thumbs on my upper arms soothingly stroking my skin. When my sobs had ceased, I unraveled my body from Beast Boy's comforting arms and willed myself to glance up at the group. They all winced upon seeing my flushed, tear-stained cheeks. Cyborg bowed his head somberly while Starfire wiped away a few stray tears from her alien eyes, obviously choked up about seeing me weep. Robin, who seemed the most worried, was the first to talk.

"We all heard you from our rooms," Robin explained sympathetically. "You were just..._screaming_; we had no idea why. And when we came in, you were asleep, but you were still screaming. We didn't know what to do."

I nodded glumly, smearing my nose with the back of my hand and swallowing hard before speaking.

"I had a bad dream," I croaked, dropping my eyesight to the ruined mattress. "It felt too real and- and I couldn't take it. It was awful and it scared me so much, but for some reason, I couldn't wake up right away."

"The monitors we set up on you went crazy," Cyborg added, crossing his arms. "We had no clue what caused it. When we heard the alarm, we thought something bad was happening to you."

Avoiding their eyes, I looked over to the opposite side of the room, noticing the slept-in gurney to my right. Tracing my eyesight, Robin added thoughtfully.

"Beast Boy was the first one to tell us what happened."

I turned to the green-skinned boy timidly.

"How long have you been in here?" I asked meekly.

Beast Boy's ears dropped in embarrassment, his hand rising to rub the back of his neck nervously.

"Uhh, all night. I kinda...slept in here..."

"Have you _always_ slept here?"

Beast Boy shrugged apologetically as he gestured to the messy bed to the right.

"Yeah...kinda. I mean, I slept there every night since you fell into a coma..."

"And, even afterwards?"

Beast Boy blushed as he nodded.

He was expecting a horrible reaction from me. He assumed that I would go on another rampage after learning that he slept in the same room as me. It was a major invasion of my privacy, especially since I couldn't recall anything about these people except their names; they still appear as strangers to me. Friendly strangers, perhaps acquaintances, but nothing more.

What I couldn't understand was why.

_Why did he sleep in here? What was his motivation to stay with me at night?_

_Even though I heard the conversation last night, it didn't seem logical._

_Maybe they're scared that I'll ditch them again. They made Beast Boy my 24-hour babysitter. What a freak._

_I think that there's another meaning behind this..._

Despite my displeasure to sharing a room during nocturnal hours with the young boy, I looked down and replied earnestly. I had to consider what he had done for me in the past.

_He saved my life in a sense,_ I thought. _He was there to comfort me. How could I be so harsh and rude to someone so sweet?_

_I could never do such a thing..._

"Well, thank you. I mean, for being there for me."

Beast Boy, surprised to hear my answer, nodded briskly and looked away sheepishly. I rubbed my eyes then sighed tiredly, slumping back into the bed with exhaustion. Even though I had just woken up, it felt like I've been awake for days. A part of me wanted to sleep again, but another part felt fear for submerging into slumber.

"Raven?" Starfire asked cautiously. "Please, could you explain to us what you saw within your dream?"

I kept my eyes low, clenching my jaw to keep my bottom lip from quivering. I shook my head in disbelief.

"I don't know," I whispered back. "I don't know what I saw..."

"Can you describe it?" Robin encouraged me.

"I can't explain it," I confessed. "It made no sense in the dream either."

_Even if I could remember all of it, I don't think that I would want to tell everyone._

_Oh, how embarrassing!_

"Do you remember what you saw?" Beast Boy inquired.

I nodded in confirmation.

"Just a few things, but yes."

"Hold up," Cyborg interrupted us. "I think I gotta idea."

Before anyone could reply, Cyborg departed from the Infirmary with haste. We barely had time to exchange confused expressions before the mechanical man returned, his hands occupied with what appeared as a coal-black, hardcover novel with a thick spine, its edges outlined in a band of sterling silver and imprinted with tiny studs that sparkled like jewels. He handed me the book and a writing utensil, allowing me to investigate what I had received. The decorative cover caught my attention, and I was impressed with the craftsmanship of the novel, however, as I flipped through the numerous pages encased within the leather exterior, I realized that they were all blank, except for the horizontal lines that acted as a guideline to place sentences. It was a journal.

"Maybe all ya need is a place to write," Cyborg told me, grinning. "You've always loved books."

"Wonderful idea!" the alien girl enthused, clapping her hands. "It shall be easier to interpret what you have seen, yes?"

"If you show us what you wrote afterwards, maybe we can help," Robin added. "Will that be okay?"

When I didn't respond, Cyborg chimed in.

"You know what? You're hungry, aren't ya?"

I shrugged as I pretended to be busy, pointlessly turning through the blank pages, even though there was nothing to be interested in.

"I'll be back with food," he announced to the group. "C'mon, Star."

Once they had awkwardly shuffled away, Robin stepped forward and beckoned Beast Boy to follow. He rolled his eyes, annoyed at the order Robin had bestowed, but eventually obeyed.

Beast Boy's hand overlapped my own and grasped it affectionately as he gazed into my violet eyes, mustering a shy smile for assurance. I blinked slowly and smiled bleakly in return; it was impossible to pretend that I felt better. I still felt sick from the nightmare, but I greatly appreciated the green changeling's amiable attempts for console. I only wished I could erase the horrid dream from my memory, but I was positive that it was permanently etched into my mind.

"Beast Boy," Robin chirped strictly in a firm tone.

The green boy sighed as he stood and was immediately ushered from the room without a word. Before Robin left, he turned around and spoke.

"I know that it must've been hard," he said in a somewhat apologetic manner. "We'll be back in a minute. See what you can do."

* * *

My mind was racing with fresh memories, but they were somehow distorted, as if I were peering into a smoggy mirror. The more I thought, the more confused I became, almost forgetting what had happened. I could only jot down simple information into the book, sparing my brain from being strained. I decided to put it into a numerical sequence and then quickly paraphrased sentences using my knowledge.

1\. A landscape made entirely of rocks (couldn't have been a place on Earth).

2\. I saw a ditch and there was a man in it. I thought he was dead.

3\. When I came close, he grabbed me by the ankle and I couldn't shake it free. I couldn't scream or move either.

4\. He wore a metal mask and had four demon eyes.

5\. He laughed at me and said "It's time to go to sleep" (I know that voice somewhere).

I put down the pencil and set the journal aside, reclining into the mattress. It was hardly anything, but for some reason, it was all I could remember. Not satisfied, but not determined to continue in fine detail either.

_It was all too real,_ I thought.

_I never even considered if it had been a dream..._

_I don't believe that I'm a lucid dreamer, but how come I wasn't aware?_

_Why did I have a dream like that anyway? What spooked me so much to think about it while I was sleeping?_

_It was too real to be true, and I had believed it. Why did I believe that something so horrid would take my life?_

_I wanted to die. I WANTED to die..._

At that thought, I picked up the pencil and furiously scribbled another sentence, underlining it to emphasize its importance.

6\. TOO REAL TO BE TRUE

I remembered how Starfire had showed me how to summon attention if I ever needed help. On the same device that can be used to adjust the conditions of the gurney, I clicked the red "call" button, to which Robin had immediately answered.

"Raven? Is everything alright?"

"I just need your help with something," I said. "Are you busy?"

"I'll be there right away," he said before he disconnected the communication.

Robin arrived within moments. His racing pulse was instantly recognizable, and each time it beat with anxiety, I felt a mental punch, my own heart feeling the urgent need to increase in tempo.

"Here," I said, holding out the book. "I was wondering if you could read it. Maybe you'll know more than me."

Robin patiently read through the verses. He paced around the room, reading the sentences within his head a few times, then repeating them under his breath in disbelief. I bit my lip as he pondered, his brow creased in concentration.

"That's what happened?" the masked boy asked at last.

I nodded briskly, wincing upon his reaction.

Robin's whole demeanor grew sullen. The book was handed back to me, where I nervously fingered it as he deeply sighed, crossing his arms. Robin remained mute for another minute before he spoke.

"Now I'm having trouble explaining," he joked, but he never meant to be funny.

"Was there anything relevant?" I asked hopefully.

"Yeah," he admitted hesitantly.

I waited for him to continue, but Robin don't say anything else. I sank deeper into the mattress with despair.

"What does it mean?" I whispered. "Is there something wrong?"

"I can't tell," Robin answered. "I'm going to look into it though."

"How?"

"I need information," Robin declared. "Just to be sure."

The door behind Robin slid open, interrupting our conversation and Cyborg walked in, a tray occupied in his hands. Robin jogged up to him and spoke in a hushed voice, Cyborg leaning down so he could hear his urgent words. Feeling excluded, I instinctively blushed. The mechanical man nodded once before Robin left.

"Hey," he said casually, hauling the table up to my bed with one hand while he balanced the tray with another.

I pouted in irritation, huffing a breath to vent my anger.

"I'm sick of this," I growled hotly, crossing my arms.

"Huh?" Cyborg asked suspiciously.

"This," I said, flicking my hand in the air without enthusiasm.

When Cyborg raised a quizzical eyebrow, my hands shot up, erratically gesturing everywhere with crazed eyes. His simple facial response was enough to enrage me for some reason.

"THIS," I seethed. "All of THIS. All that I'm doing and _going_ to do is just _sit_ here. I'm just SICK of it! Sick of doing NOTHING!"

"Hold up now," Cyborg reprimanded me. "You really think you can get up after that?"

"What's THAT supposed to mean?" I shot back.

"Ya think you're wired up like that for no reason?"

"I'm fine-"

"No. Alright, Raven, you're NOT okay. I'm sorry but we gotta be on ya everyday about this. Robin's orders. That nightmare changes a lot of things too. I don't even know where to start."

"All that you guys EVER do is talk about me behind my back!" I ranted, using my hands as emphasis. "It's all about how worried you are, about how crazy I am-!"

"You're not crazy, Raven, but you sure as heck ain't yourself either..."

Something in my mind had snapped. I don't know whether it was Cyborg's doubt in me or the tone of his voice, but I couldn't suppress the rush of agitation that the mechanical man had provoked.

"I can't just _sit_ here," I grunted slowly, my voice dangerous and threatening. "I want to _leave_."

Cyborg seemed skeptical for a moment. For some reason, I hated the stupid look on his face. I gritted my teeth as he cautiously spoke.

"Look, there's no reason to be upset..."

My eyes flared open, like two matches igniting into a lavender blaze. But it was only for a moment.

"RAVEN!"

Amidst the argument, I failed to recognize my tense limbs and agitated muscles quivering from rage. White-knuckle fists vibrated at my sides, my head hung low while my predatory eyes targeted Cyborg. But after hearing my name, it was as if I jumped awake from a daydream. I gasped, my body instantaneously becoming languid while my eyes snapped open, hollow with shock. Cyborg nearly threw the tray on the counter and rushed to my aid. Cybernetic fingers encased one of my limp hands while the other caressed my face, searching for a problem. He gently lifted my chin, encouraging me to look up at him, but when I complied and raised my head, tears sprang into my eyes.

Cyborg watched me carefully as I wept, his face tight but his brown eye kind and sympathetic. He was patient, even though he was insisting for me to stop. The flow of tears seemed too strong. Confusion only produced more.

_Why was I doing that?_ I thought hopelessly. _Why does this keep happening?_

_Will this ever stop?_

_Just why?_

"You gotta calm down," the mechanical man informed me. "Don't think about it or anything like that. Just relax. Deep breaths now. _Relax_."

My eyes meandered beyond Cyborg's presence. On the marble counter, a file clamped with medical papers and reports had dismantled itself and spilled its contents everywhere. It did not look like that a moment ago.

"Hey, eyes on me."

I gazed at him and winced, suppressing a cry.

"Breathe, Raven. Take deep breaths. Do what I'm doing."

I didn't even realize that I had been holding my breath.

My first few inhales were hesitant and choked, but eventually I was able to elongate each breath as I recovered. I mimicked Cyborg until we were perfectly synchronized in respiration. It took a while to suppress the urge for my chest to swell suddenly, due to anxiety, but once I was successful, I felt more at ease. I sniffed my congested nose and angrily smeared fresh tears from my blotchy cheeks. I was calm, but I was still embarrassed.

"It's okay," Cyborg whispered quietly.

He held up both of his robotic hands for assurance.

"Don't think about it; don't do anything. Just relax. It's gonna be better now."

"Wha- what happened?" I inquired, adapting to the innocence and worry of a frightened child.

"Look, it's alright. It's gonna be okay."

"No, Cyborg," I protested, my voice rising. "I mean _what_ happened? _Why_ does this happen?"

"You shouldn't worry about it," Cyborg replied. "Now's not the time."

"Please don't do that," I whimpered. "_Please_ don't."

I practically started begging to him.

"Don't keep it a secret from me, Cyborg. You can't."

"Raven, there really isn't anything to freak out over; you're just stressed."

"It's more than that," I insisted.

"I get it; you've been cramped in this room for a long time now, and I can't even imagine what you're going through, but that doesn't mean something's wrong. You're tired and hungry and, yeah, you don't wanna be here; you need to trust us if you wanna get better though."

"I don't understand."

Cyborg returned to the counter. Once he had shoveled the papers back into the folder, he brought the tray to me, placing the table beside gurney that I was occupying. Two pieces of toast drenched in butter and creamy, sweet-smelling tea were organized on the platter, along with silverware, napkins, and the vase holding the lonely rose.

My favorite.

"Eat up," he beckoned me. "You'll feel better once you're full."

"I don't need to eat," I argued. "I want to know what you aren't telling me."

"Not now, Raven..."

"Not knowing will make it worse for me. You can't just leave me here like this!"

"Raven-"

"Please?" I asked meekly, fearing denial. "Please, Cyborg."

I silently pleaded with my amethyst eyes. For a moment, I thought I had successfully convinced him, but Cyborg only sighed.

"Just eat," he replied tiredly, and he walked out without another word.

* * *

My emotions buckled.

_Figures,_ a voice inside my head snarled. _He acts like he's on my side, but doesn't trust me with things that involve me. How am I supposed to trust HIM?!_

_He must not want to inform me due to its significance._

_But why does Cyborg not want me to know?_

_Perhaps its importance causes conflict._

_What IS it that they are hiding from me exactly? What did I ever do to them?_

_What value could the information about me possess?_

_And what will happen if I figure it out?_

Right then, I instinctively inspected my hands, which happened to be folded in my lap. When I opened them, I discovered a pool of cold perspiration on my palms so I wiped them off on the sheets to clean them. I then idly massaged my shivering fingers to encourage blood flow.

_I need to seek for a motif,_ an intellectual voice said. _There must a recurring theme within these situations; a connection between each episode that may determine the outcome._

I looked down at my bundled hands.

_I remember how cold my hands felt,_ I thought.

I made a fist then released it, fiddling with my fingers to stall time.

_When?_

_All those times I got angry,_ I told myself.

It seemed that every time I was animated, every time that I screamed, something had happened. And each time, my heart was kicking my chest to combat the need for oxygen, my muscles were constricted with rage, and my body radiated the energy of an adrenaline. But despite the situations that had stimulated these sensations, my hands were the opposite. It felt like I was compressing a sphere of snow in each hand. My fingers were red from an overexposure to dropped temperatures. My skin was peppered with a cool layer of sweat. My knuckles were about to split due to the pressure I created by forming a fist.

_They were cold. Unnaturally cold. But why?_

I envisioned flurries of sparks raining upon me from the ceiling as I ducked to preserve my head from danger. I could still hear the flakes of glass shattering after an invisible impact from cracks punched into the window. The disappearance of the syringe in Robin's gloved hand. The glass cup on the table beside the stack of pizza boxes. The folder on the marble counter.

_It made perfect sense. Their connection was evident, but not mastered enough to recreate purposely._

_So it's true. It WAS me. But how? How am I supposed to do it again?_

I suddenly had the urge to find out.

I kicked the sheets that were tangled around my legs and shoved the mobile table away, allowing me to climb out of the gurney. I stood upon the tiled floor, visibly shaking as I was exposed to the arid climate of the Infirmary, but my determination couldn't be ignored. I took several paces forward so I was centered within the chamber, about an equal distance away from any other objects.

_Okay,_ I thought. _Now what?_

I clenched and relaxed my hands, surveying for a change.

_What did I do again?_

_Compare what happened during each episode. The similarities may be the answer._

I held out my hand, my palm facing the ceiling. I tried focusing on the coldness that I had felt earlier, imaging the aspects of a frost-bitten hand, but there was nothing. My hand remained normal.

_No no no, not like THAT!_

_What am I supposed to do?!_

_Maybe I should try reenacting what happened before I felt the coldness._

_A CONNECTION, remember?_

I could recount each scene vividly, but I withheld from portraying the events leading to the occurrence.

_I can't just scream again,_ I told myself. _Everyone will hear me, won't they?_

_Then how else am I supposed to do it again?_

_A connection. Look for one. There MUST be something that I'm missing..._

At that moment, a deep voice in a minor key hissed in my mind, as if the character the tone exemplified belonged to a malignant entity.

_Anger._

I gasped.

_My anger?_ I wondered.

I pondered over the possible solution. The idea seemed repulsive, but somehow, I found a way to instill belief.

It actually made sense.

_Not just anger, it's any type of intense emotion; it's my feelings. It was all because of how I had felt at the moment._

The realization made me feel ill.

_I better be careful; I don't want to blow up the whole room if I puke._

_Wait, so is that it? Is that how it works?_

To be honest, I still had no clue.

I took a wide stance and once again, I revealed my hand, my fingers spread apart.

_Feel angry,_ I instructed myself. _BE angry. Think of something to make me mad._

The group of teenagers having a discreet meeting in the next room, furiously discussing a topic devoted to me. The way Cyborg bundled his arms around me as I struggled in the stairwell, refusing to be injected with another sedative. How Robin, Cyborg, Starfire, and Beast Boy strictly prevented to reveal any information that involved me without an explanation.

The thoughts enveloped my mind, provoking the level of my temper to rise dramatically. But before I knew what I was doing, my outstretched hand sparked with a black flicker of movement, causing me to flinch.

I couldn't suppress the shrill giggle that escaped my lips.

_No. Way._

_Again!_

I thrusted my arm forward, simultaneously producing a flash of obscurity from my palm. I tried again, fueling my current emotions to expel whatever resonated from my hand. I strained to hold wisps of a black force for a few moments before it vaporized into the air.

_How?_ I asked myself. _HOW?_

_I could do it. I could DO it, but I couldn't explain it. I couldn't offer a reason, but it felt almost...natural._

_How interesting._

A whole lifetime had passed, but I had busied myself by experimenting with my capabilities, developing skills and techniques and later performing them until I was satisfied with their perfection. I danced around the room with hands engulfed in a dark hue, learning my from my mistakes and rehearsing each success, a smile never leaving my face. A few times, my aim had been off. I laughed whenever I caused destruction, a little mess here and there, but it was an oddly-entertaining activity. It required immense focus and concentration, however, the results felt rewarding.

After a while though, I began to witness the effects of fatigue. I studied my hands, noting the slight discoloration that would only be temporarily. I shivered to myself, rubbing my palms to encourage warmth.

_And another thing,_ I told myself. _Side effect; cold hands._

I heard an unexpected noise beyond the hidden door. Focusing hard on the door, my senses seemingly grew to an extent. I vaguely heard the elevator chime, alerting the presence of a platform occupied with a passenger. Whoever it was, they were going to enter the Infirmary. I jumped back into the bed, not wanting to be caught red-handed.

_No pun intended._

Just as I settled back into the pillow, sure enough, a door split the wall, allowing one of the Titans to enter. The alien girl stood timidly in the square arch.

"Friend Raven?" Starfire said, politely requesting my attention. "I have come on Cyborg's behalf to prepare a sedative. Considering the previous night, I hope that you will be considerate in allowing me to assist."

She shifted uncomfortably on her feet, her hands balled up behind her back. Her beauty, as it seemed, was beyond unique. The contrast of her flawless, tangerine skin and her effluent eyes had highlighted her sleek facial features. Starfire's hair was perfectly groomed and it draped behind her back neatly without a strand out of place. Her posture indicated that she was nervous, perhaps even worried about being hastily dismissed.

I smiled kindly.

"I would appreciate that."

With enlightened eyes, Starfire leapt into the air and flew to my side, landing delicately. She inspected all of the medical equipment, and then began to hook my body up with the appliances, attaching the IV chord to the machine that would administer the sleep-inducing dosage. I could see a twinkle of confusion within her foreign in eyes since it's obvious that I had previously removed the devices, but to my relief, she never acknowledged it. Starfire gathered the dishes containing the forgotten food while I adjusted the gurney. I toyed with the remote so the gates grew in height, the mattress reclining horizontally.

_I should tell her,_ a voice whispered in my mind. _They tried telling me before; we should be honest with each other._

_Is that even a good idea?_

_It's the right idea._

Starfire dimmed the lights and made her way to the hidden exit.

_Should I?_

I called to the hovering girl through the veil of darkness.

"Starfire?"

She turned around, waiting for me to continue.

I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"Make it double-dose. Please?"

Starfire simply nodded and smiled sympathetically before she left the Infirmary. Her shadow appeared in the next room, working furiously over a dashboard with blinking buttons. With the mattress emitting a comfortable temperature, I curled up on my side and snuggled into the warmth of the sheets. I felt guilty for coming up with an excuse at the dwindling moment, but I decided to be patient.

_The teenagers might become worried if they knew,_ I told myself._ I'll tell them the next chance I get._

Ignoring my disappointed thoughts, I managed to fall asleep peacefully as the drugs took effect, the black journal bundled protectively against my chest.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I seemingly ALWAYS apologize before and after each chapter X'D Oops! Sorry! (See what I did there?) I plan to post once I finish Chapter 12 (I work ahead just in case ;D) Bye!


	8. A New Cell

**Author's Note: **Hey! I'm sorry that it took a while to post (again). A little Writer's Block here and there, but I'm already chugging into Chapter 13 and I'm really happy with what's coming. Also, I leave for vacation today and I'll be gone for about 2 weeks. I'm bringing my laptop with me and I'll be writing and I'm going to post once I get the chance again :) Hope everyone's summer is going great! Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary: **After daring to sleep without a sedative, Raven experiences a memorial nightmare that startles her into consciousness. The Titans come to her rescue, only to realize the severity of the situation: her amnesia is worsening, and it's beginning to affect Raven both physically and mentally. She even had a difficult time explaining what happened within her dream, but she managed to write down a few important notes in the journal Raven received from Cyborg. As her mood changes rapidly during an argument with the mechanical man, Raven learns the motif that has been affecting her: her emotions. She uses this knowledge during a few trial-and-errors, allowing her to enable her abilities in a controlled manner for the first time. Although proud of herself, she hesitated and ultimately dismissed her chance to tell the Titans, worried of their disapproval.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 8: _A New Cell_

The next couple of days melted into one another. There was no motivation that mattered or a goal to accomplish. The Titans explained that they wanted to spend some time monitoring my condition, and I couldn't have cared any less. I never fully established trust with them, but I was so worn from the past few days that I became submissive. A part of me still wanted to escape. I knew that I couldn't be locked in the Infirmary forever, but I was content with the abundance of spare time. However, the constant boredom had only increased my level of stir-craziness.

For a great portion of my isolation within the medical room, I was sleeping in the gurney. I respectfully requested larger quantities of the sedative before each nap so I could evade any visions during my slumber. I feared to dream again, and the only way to sleep uninterrupted was to be repeatedly drugged, but it didn't make sleeping anymore interesting either.

Eventually, after heavy persuasion from an encouraging alien and the mechanical man, I gave in and decided to take a risk. I made the choice to succumb to a sleep unprovoked by drugs, unsure if I would witness my repetitive nightmares. Despite the difficulty of falling asleep, which had taken hours of waiting, I was surprised to wake up with ease the next day. I had dreamed of nothing, to my relief, and I continued to boycott the sedatives each night, making progress after each successful nap. It wasn't easy, and I often remained conscious deep into the heart of twilight, accompanied only by the curtain of obscurity and the echo of silence that incubated within the Infirmary. The Titans continued to motivate me, which had been very helpful. I made sure to thank them once the fear of sleeping had completely alleviated.

Also, one thing that confused me during the sequence of days was that Beast Boy never made an appearance. Cyborg and Starfire took turns delivering trays of food, and whenever I had opportunities to visit the bathroom every so often, I was always accompanied by someone; mostly Starfire since she was a female. There was little communication between us, which had been fine by me, but they always checked to make sure everything was running according to the plan; the courses of meals, the doctoral equipment, my current status relating to health. Even Robin had greeted me once, but the green changeling didn't visit the Infirmary at all.

For a while, I thought that maybe Beast Boy only entered as I slept, for whatever reason he had, but the gurney next to mine remained vacant. I remembered how Starfire had cleaned it up at one point. She neatly replaced the sheets and tidied the area, as if she was preparing the bed for another patient. I had asked her why, but Starfire assured me that it was nothing to worry about. Surely, if someone had been sleeping there, the bed would have been messed up each time that I awaken.

_I wonder why he had stopped,_ I thought to myself. _And why he started doing it in the first place._

Besides eating, sleeping, and the occasional trips to the bathroom, I had a lot of privy free-time. I read through the few sentences that I wrote but I couldn't improve them, and I experienced no inspiration to write, so I needed another activity to entertain myself. I had to ignore my thoughts, but oddly, it was difficult to prevent my time-consuming thought-process. For that, I yearned for a distraction. It was vital to be occupied at all times, focused on a task in order to eliminate my feral, mental arguments. With my void agenda unrestrained from events, I had nothing better to do than to practice my newfound abilities.

The origin of my capabilities was still a mystery, but I began to develop a basic understanding.

Focus.

Concentration.

Feeling.

I must _feel_ in order to be accurate.

I must _feel_ to have strength within my power.

After hours of playing around, I was able to create a stronger force, one that can be sustained for longer periods of time and can be used to affect the environment.

A dark, eldritch pigment would engulf my entire hand and only precise aim would allow me to interfere with my surroundings. I played a sort of game to specifically enhance my aim, which required concentration. I cleared a section of the counter and strategically placed items there as targets. Every time that I was able to successfully destroy each target, I would set it up again and stand a little farther back, using the tiled flooring to measure the distance. I graduated from the game quickly, mastering an ideal technique that I was excited to share with someone.

_I still haven't told the Titans yet,_ I had thought, once satisfied with a move. _But I'm going to. It just needs to be the right time._

Blasting things from their original position became uninteresting fairly quickly, which inspired creativity. I tried finding new ways to produce the black force, as well as new ways to manipulate it. Once, by using both hands, I accidentally created a thick, black beam and I by mistake knocked over the garbage can. It vomited its contents of crumpled wrappers and rubber gloves everywhere, and I had to quickly clean up the carnage of trash before anyone could see it. Another time, while I cupping the force in my hands and holding it to my face to examine, it flashed another color a few times before it returned to its initial appearance.

_Red,_ I told myself, allowing the produced energy to dissolve. _It was RED. Why would it be red?_

_Why would it be black?_

After the stressful hours of practice and the numerous failures, I became more confident with the usage of my abilities. However, the effects afterwards were distinct and often difficult with which to cope. It rapidly drained my energy and it left me feeling feeble, physically and mentally. My fingers were swollen from the excessive exposure to the coldness, my skin numb to every presence it contacted. I was exhausted yet restless; curious and satisfied; fearful but confident. It functioned like an addiction. I would practice until I could barely walk and I would collapse into the gurney, panting and sweating from the exercise, but my hands were red and they trembled erratically. However, after I had scraped up enough energy after meals, I would rise and repeat, perhaps longer than last time. I was determined to improve, even as my homeostasis deteriorated. My motivation seemed pointless, but with the abundance of freedom while confined to the Infirmary, it seemed like the most productive activity that I could achieve.

On no particular day, while I was dozing in the gurney, Robin had entered casually, but it was enough to arouse me.

"Hey, Raven," he greeted me, rather cheerfully. "Everything okay?"

I rubbed my itchy eyes and yawned lazily as I replied. I flexed my arms, moving them to stimulate the flow of blood.

"Fine. I guess. Is there something going on?"

"I came to talk to you about some things."

I stopped stretching and looked up at him, a phase of anxiety flashing before my heart.

"What's it about?"

Robin seated himself on the gated bed beside mine. He folded his hands nonchalantly and rested his elbows on his knees, his back hunched as he leaned over them.

"Well, after watching you this past week, we think that you've improved a lot. You've been stable for a long time so we're not concerned about it anymore. And we thought that maybe you'd sleep better somewhere else."

_Does it mean what I think it means?_

"Are you saying that I can leave?" I asked hopefully.

"Not like that," Robin laughed, causing my cheeks to flush with embarrassment.

_I knew that it was too good to be true._

"But don't worry. We have another place for you to go."

"What do you mean?" I prodded him.

"Cyborg told me a while back that he's finished with the medication. You don't need it anymore because you're finally sleeping without it, and the bad dreams have stopped. So there's really no reason for you to stay in the Infirmary any longer, don't you think?"

I shrugged glumly.

_Trapped,_ I thought. _I'm still trapped; I'm just being relocated to another jail._

"We aren't trying to lock you up," Robin assured me. "We're just moving you someplace where you'll be more comfortable."

"Do I have to stay?" I inquired timidly.

"Well we can't let you leave. You're obviously feeling better, but you aren't in any condition to be out there either."

After seeing my depressed reaction, Robin added with a taunting smirk.

"And you know what? I think you're ready for some _real_ training."

My head snapped up.

"What?" I asked, suddenly exasperated as Robin grinned at me.

_Does he know what I've been doing? Did he catch me?_

_He was the one who TOLD me about this; he must know. I just didn't believe him the first time._

_But wouldn't he be mad if he finds out that I've been using it behind his back?_

_He better NOT get mad about it if he doesn't want his butt kicked._

"You're doing great, Raven," the masked boy enthused. "Now's the perfect time to learn more about it. Beast Boy mentioned teaching you, and I think that it's a good idea; Starfire even offered to help."

"To help me with my...abilities?"

"You want to get better, right?"

"I suppose," I answered, wincing from the confession.

"Then we'll take care of the rest. Trust us with this."

Robin knew that I wouldn't comply immediately. He didn't demand any respect, but he was patient for my consent. I nodded once, although I was still wary of my decision.

"Good," Robin said, standing up to conclude the conversation. "We'll have you out of here by the end of the day. How does that sound?"

"Depends on where I'm going," I replied craftily.

"Starfire will come by in a bit to get you situated."

"But where _exactly_ am I going?" I demanded, becoming irritated.

Robin smiled.

"Don't you want it to be a surprise?"

"No."

"It's going to be a surprise anyway."

I reclined against the pillow behind me, my arms crossed and my lips pouted. Robin strode out of the room, undoubtedly smiling to himself as he contained a laugh.

_More mysteries, huh?_ a sarcastic voice in my head quipped once the door slid shut. _Just great. What do I look like? A detective or something?_

Another voice in my head gasped.

_Wait! Did he mean a surprise? A surprise for me? I wonder if it's a gift!_

_A one-way ticket out of here..._

_Or it could be food. I am kind of hungry now._

_Hey! Robin said that I'm going to start training soon! This'll be great! Maybe I can practice shooting at them for revenge!_

I groaned, my head hitting the backboard with a dull thud.

_Sometimes I feel like that I'm just talking to myself,_ I thought with a sigh.

_Am I?_

_I think so._

_It does seem like it._

_But it feels too real!_

_Seriously though; what AM I doing?!_

I slapped a pillow over my head, compressing it to my face as if to evade my argumentative thoughts.

I've had enough of this, I said hotly within my mind. _This makes NO sense! I need to stop doing this!_

_Doing what?_

_That!_

_Which one?_

_Both? I don't know!_

_Neither do I._

_Stop it!_

_Stop WHAT?!_

The pillow was launched across the room as a way to vent frustration. It quickly dissolved into depression, tears pricking my violet eyes.

_Why do I keep doing this?_ I thought hopelessly. _WHY? Why does this even happen?_

_I'm only trying to help._

_No! Shut up!_

_I didn't mean to be offensive..._

_Just stop! Stop it already!_

I put my hands over my ears and I curled up into the fetal position, pinching my eyes shut.

_It won't go away. Why does it keep talking to me? It's like it's not me!_

_That can't be true._

_No. Go to sleep,_ I instructed myself.

_What if-?_

_No. No, just ignore them. Sleep. Go to sleep. Don't think about it. They won't bother me if I sleep. Just please go to bed._

I inhaled a trembling breath, hesitating to release the air that had swelled into my chest.

_I thought the nightmares had ended,_ a meek voice whispered. _But why do they still exist?_

* * *

I was urged awake by the somber coaxing of a tangerine girl. It took several attempts to make contact with my conscious state, but she patiently waited until I could give her my attention.

_I guess that I had managed to snooze after all, I_ had thought, feeling pleased with myself. _I wonder how I was able to though..._

I propped myself up slowly as I groaned groggily.

_It surely wasn't the best night of sleep either..._

"I see that you are well-rested," Starfire said. "Are you hungry?"

She set up a meal right in front of me, to which I basically inhaled, despite my exhaustion. As I ate, the alien began to disassemble me from the gurney.

"You will not be needing these," she assured me. "Allow me to assist you."

I watched Starfire like an interested hawk as she delicately removed the medical equipment from my body. The tubes that fed oxygen, the clip on my finger and the band on my arm were all taken away from me. I winced when the needle withdrew from my skin and I rubbed the puncture wound with a sterilized cotton swipe as Starfire switched off the appliances. The gurney lowered itself to the floor and the gates shrank, allowing space for me to exit. The alien hesitated, as if expecting something to go wrong, but after a moment, she politely offered me her hand.

I climbed out of the bed and stood, feeling a sense of difference. I've obviously left the gurney before, and this wasn't the first time that I've lived without the support of medical devices, but I detected a change.

There was an aspect of freedom.

_Trust. They trust me. They trust me enough to give me more privacy._

_I'm not relying on anything,_ I thought. _No more tests, no drugs, no machines._

_I'm free._

_Yes,_ another side of my personality agreed. _And now's my chance to escape._

Starfire gathered the leftovers from the dishes and stacked it on the counter for later. She commanded the door to slide open and then stood in the doorway, waiting for my company.

"Are you ready, Friend Raven?" she inquired, her lips pulling back into an amiable smile.

I heard the voice again.

_It's the ideal opportunity. I can do it. I can go._

The tone was remorseful, but it crescendoed into a feral growl. The voice expanded with passionate anger.

But I didn't say anything.

My ears couldn't decipher the silence into words, and yet I heard them.

My lips were still, but my voice sang with the ecstasy of a serial killer.

The words didn't belong to me, but they were mine.

_What am I waiting for? Go! GO!_

I flinched, as if expecting pain. Starfire started to make her way over but I gestured for her to not interfere.

I yearned to leave. A part of me still wanted to escape the building that held me captive for nearly two weeks now. I wasn't enjoying my time here, but it hasn't been awful either.

_I can't,_ I told myself. _No. I can't do it._

_After everything that they've done, what kind of person would I be if I were to disappear?_

_Just ditch their sorry butts. They deserve it!_

_They deserve what they've shared with me; kindness._

_I'm not leaving,_ I declared in my mind. _It wouldn't be worth it. Not now, at least._

_Coward!_ The agitated voice accused. _I'm a coward! Of course I would submit to their order!_

"Raven?"

_I'm going to be stuck_ _here. They want me to give up. They want me to stop fighting them. This opportunity won't happen again and I'll regret this decision until my death!_

"Raven!"

I blinked rapidly.

"Huh? Starfire?"

"Friend Raven? You look...faint."

I had to remind myself that I was in the Infirmary. While trudging in thought, in the meantime, Starfire had approached and squared up to me, grasping both of my shoulders in case I were to lose balance. In her illuminating eyes, I saw her contemplating on whether or not she should bring me back to the gurney.

"No, I'm fine," I assured her as I backed away. "Really. I am."

"You had appeared so-"

"It's okay. I was just...thinking. But I'm fine now."

She didn't seem too convinced, but she relented from her instincts.

"You were _thinking,_" she said slowly, to which I nodded. "Have you done this before?"

"It happens a lot," I confess. "But it's no problem. It's nothing. I just get lost in it sometimes."

Starfire digested my words carefully. She agreed quietly then spoke.

"Well, if you are able, will you follow me to your new room?"

I was about to agree when I stopped myself.

"Wait."

I strode over to the vacant gurney and immediately stripped the mattress of the sheets. It was cloaked in several layers of comfort, so I took the thinnest blanket and spread it wide over the bed, allowing me enough space to work. I grabbed my black journal and the vase cradling the singular crimson rose and packed it carefully in the sterile sheet; I wanted to be sure that nothing would be damaged. I picked up the bundle that I had made and clutched it to my chest, finding relief as I squeezed it.

"Okay," I announced. "Let's go."

"You are ready?"

"I guess. I don't know what to expect."

Starfire simply smiled kindly as she ushered me through the doorway.

_Yeah, that's right,_ a voice taunted as I left. _Death will greet me before I even taste the fresh air._

* * *

The elevator brought us to a high-numbered floor. Starfire and I walked side-by-side as she guided me through a series of hallways and up a tiny flight of stairs. One side of the corridor was entirely composed of glass windows, which provided a smoggy view of the nearby civilization. The sky was transitioning into darkness as the sun sank below the horizon.

"Here we are," Starfire said, approaching a paneled door on the wall.

It was one of only three doors in the hallway. I recognized one as the bathroom that I visited daily, but I had no idea what the other two rooms were used for. Each door had a sign, including one on the entryway before me, which I proceeded to read.

It was labeled with my name: "Raven."

"Is this supposed to be my room?" I asked aloud, clearly appalled.

_Wait, so I- I lived here?_

I cocked my head curiously, my eyes digesting the letters.

_I'm Raven,_ I told myself slowly. _My name is Raven. So, that must be for me, right?_

"Yes Friend Raven," Starfire replied. "This is what we had wanted to show you."

I raised my hand and rested it upon the engraving, my fingers finding the slits that had been elegantly chiseled into the slab of stainless steel to indicate my property.

_Maybe this was just put in,_ I suggested to myself, my fingertips roaming the carvings in search of a memory.

_I couldn't have been asleep THAT long, even if they did just install such a room._

_Something tells me that it was there all along. It's obviously specifically for me..._

_I must have owned it before my memory disintegrated; before everything became long forgotten..._

_But, what's inside?_

From experience, and judging by the appearance of the paneled door, I knew that it would require more work to enter. The only other tool that could access the room happened to be a card of numbered buttons.

"Shall we go in?"

"How?" I challenged in response.

"A password," she answered in an unusually joyful tone.

Starfire quickly punched in a four-number combination into the keypad. The door accepted the code and slid open, but Starfire never attempted to pass through the doorframe. She gestured for me to walk in.

"After you."

I braced myself and walked with uneasy steps into the chamber.

At first, I had to squint my violet eyes to see through the barely transparent veil of darkness, awaiting for my pupils to swell. There were no switches on either side of the door, and the only source of light had been a few rays of dying sunlight from a window somewhere else in the room. The lack of luminescence made it difficult to detect definition. Starfire entered and glided over to each group of candles that had been strategically located around the room. Some sat in Victorian stands or fancy glass jars while others dangled from the ceiling in a metal cage, adding to the effect of a haunted theme. After pinching the wick of each candle, there was a spark of green, followed by the formation of a subtle yet effulgent flame. I barely had time to question her ability before the darkness subsided, opening my field of view.

Dust particles danced in the air around me as flickering blazes casted eerie shadows upon the walls. The aroma of the withering pages of books had greeted me in a ghostly manner, and dark figures festered around my faculty of sight, despite the candles' efforts to produce an illumination. The atmosphere was dank, as if it was purposely secluded from the rest of the tower. The room had thrived in solitude for quite some time, and it seemingly reacted negatively to the exposure of my presence. However, I couldn't contain my expression of awe.

On one side of the room, bookshelves climbed to the ceiling. Every space on the wooden surface was neatly occupied as a proud display of knowledge, much like a historic museum. I ran my fingers over the thick spines of novels, my eyes leering at their mysterious titles. Hundreds of informational volumes, mystical tomes and preserved scrolls in ancient languages lined the shelves. Many of the books were ill with age and were coated in a fine layer of dust, but they were handled with care, properly classified according to the subject they represent. Religious relics, enchanted charms, and talismans were conveniently placed as clever bookends. They often helped indicate each individual section in the vast yet personal library.

I saw corked flasks containing strange substances, like sand or a bottled plant to preserve its life; a tiny sculpture of carved stone; the remains of bones that were neatly propped between the novels; a rusted silver goblet; wax candles that cried thick tears as a flame devoured their tinder, creating a meager luminosity; and numerous artifacts that I couldn't possibly identify.

I recognized many of them since they were presented about a day after I woke up from my prolonged coma.

I was tempted to remove a book from the cluttered shelves, but I hesitated. The utter beauty of the organized texts was overwhelming. The aging novels deserved to remain in their ideal order. It seemed wrong to disturb their peace at the moment, but I promised myself that I would graze the shelves the next chance I had.

Beside Starfire, a white chest was cornered against the wall. I bent down to inspect the trunk, but I was stopped by the sight of a rusting brass lock, which kept the lid firmly closed. I had no idea where the key could be located.

"Locked, huh?" I commented.

The alien smiled mournfully, shrugging in defeat.

"Perhaps it is for the best."

I then walked down the center of the room, admiring the features of the bed. It was large and circular, and the frame of the bed caved in slightly, like a hood. The thick mattress was cloaked in indigo blankets and stuffed pillows were propped up against the ornate headboard. To my right, the entire wall was replaced with glass, providing the scenery of waves gently lapping the shores below, the sun submerging into the ocean.

_I wouldn't mind waking up to see this,_ I thought with a small smile.

A statue molded to look like drama masks observed me warily as I approached the small, elegant dresser. I observed the oddly-shaped bottles and phials on its surface, knowing that the assortment of containers didn't hold beauty products, which you would usually find on vanities like these. I solemnly gazed into the mirror, its edges jagged like an irregular polygon. Starfire watched my reflection carefully.

After the inspection, I was pleased to notice how the chamber was decorated to my standards. I enjoyed the use of dark ebony wood for the furniture; the extensive collection of volumes that were dedicated to sorcery; the ancient decorations that resembled history. I had yearned for a privy location, and I was satisfied with what I discovered. It was essentially an upgraded prison cell, but I found it hard to argue with the bargain that Starfire had offered. I had no chance to escape, since I refused the last opportunity. However, compared to the condition of the Infirmary, the benefits here were plentiful.

_No more constant surveillance; the Titans didn't need to monitor the status of my health. I now had a sense of privacy._

_No more drug-induced sleep; I had an area where I could nap on my own without the need for medications. They only produced more physical and mental stress on me anyway._

_No more white walls and gated gurneys; the bedroom suited my personally, as well as my interests. I was curious about the magic that was mentioned on the books because I still found it hard to believe._

_How could magic be real anyway?_ I told myself. _Spells and rituals? Can it really be true?_

"The room does belong to you," Starfire said at last. "It is yours."

I fingered the bundle that was in my arms, pondering my next words.

"So is this where you'll be keeping me?"

"This is where you may stay," Starfire clarified. "It is your choice whether you wish to sleep here or in the Infirmary. We will respect your final decision."

I scanned the chamber another time, detecting the existence of double-doors on the opposite side of the room.

"What's in there?" I asked aloud, more to myself than Starfire.

I strode over and manually pulled the doors apart, allowing it to slide open. Sure enough, I also had my own tiny closet. Despite the amount of space, there weren't many clothes available. But among the racks of garments on wire hangers and the square cubbies for shoes, there was a display mannequin modeling an outfit.

The female-shaped stand donned a skinny, black leotard with long sleeves and thick cuffs. The material was sleek and conforming, highlighting the shapely curves of the mannequin. A hooded cape was fastened around the model by a large brooch, composed of a smooth red jewel encased in a frame of gold. The same stones were crafted into a belt that was securely tied around the waist. Ruffled, blue shoes, the same color as the cloak, sat at the base of the stand.

Comparing the outfits of the other teenagers, the goth-inspired costume seemed normal to them. They each represented a different range of colors, most likely according to their own unique skills or abilities. This outfit, whether it be mine or not, had numerous characteristics to describe the owner.

"Would you like to wear it?" Starfire encouraged from behind.

I snorted, holding up the edge of the cape to inspect the tightly-woven fabric.

In actuality, I found it to be quite pretty. I liked the contrast of colors, the use of a midnight-blue hue, as well as the simple yet bold accessories. The costume seemed elusive and mysterious, as if it could melt into the shadows at any moment. It corresponded to my interests, however, I couldn't bring myself to confess to it. I felt like it would make the unsupervised teenagers think of me differently.

_They are still my captors,_ I reminded myself. _Friendly, but still holding me hostage._

_In a way..._

I settled on another response.

"It seems too...revealing."

I glanced at Starfire, smirking at her clothes.

_She could pull it off,_ I thought. _The outfit actually suits her! But I would be too self-conscious in something like that. Besides, she's skinny._

_And I don't have any appealing features..._

"Well, it is your choice," the green-eyed alien said as I pulled the closet doors closed. "So have you made the decision?"

I carried the package of sheet with me to the bed and I plopped down on the mattress. Starfire followed obediently.

"I guess that I'll try a night," I announced.

_There must be a catch for staying in here,_ I told myself.

_What if it's a trick? What if the room is a trap?_

_I can find a way to bust out, but a little risk can't hurt, right?_

_I hope not..._

"Excellent!" Starfire squealed. "I shall visit in the morning! Has Robin mentioned the plans to you?"

"What about them?" I countered.

"Your training, of course! Do you not wish to begin?"

I looked down at my hand, folding each of my fingers into a fist before releasing my grasp.

"No, I'll do it. I guess it'll be okay."

"It will only benefit you, Friend Raven."

"As long as it doesn't take a lifetime."

"It will take patience."

I absent-mindedly started to unravel the bundle, pulling back the sheet to reveal the hidden keepsakes. I set my journal aside and I picked up the vase, sighing as I inspected the dying flower. Feeble fingers grazed the flimsy petals as the rose declined in health.

"Raven?"

Starfire was persistent for an answer, but I took my time to ponder. I reached over and gently placed the vase on the nightstand next to the bed. I adjusted its position so it seemed presentable beside the old-fashioned clock.

"When will we start?" I said finally.

"Tomorrow morning. After the breakfast."

I nodded to confirm my approval, settling on the bed in defeat.

"Shall I wake you?"

"I can come down on my own," I assured her.

"Will you be alright?"

"I'll be okay."

"You are sure of this?"

I sat motionless on the bed, forgetting to reply.

"Friend Raven," Starfire insisted in a maternal voice. "If there is anything that I may do to help, please inform me. I would be more than happy to make sure that you are comfortable here."

"I just need some time to get used to it," I told her, waving away the worry.

"The Infirmary is not too far away," the alien reminded me.

"No, it's fine. I really don't mind it."

Starfire was about to leave but I stopped her.

"Wait. The password."

Starfire guffawed at me.

"Oh! I have almost forgotten! The password is 2-9-2-7."

"2-9-2-7," I repeated. "Okay. Thank you."

"And, you are positive-"

"_Yes._ For the last time, I _will_ be fine. Can I be alone now?"

Starfire agreed quietly, although she monetarily contemplated my words. She glanced around the room once more before her departure, promising a busy day. The door slid shut behind her, concealing me in a room of my own for the first time.

_I don't believe it,_ I told myself._ I'm actually alone._

_Finally! I'm away from those freaks..._

_It's kinda dark in here. Where are the lights?_

_More importantly, where's the food?_

I sank into the thick mattress, my head rolling to the side so I could gaze out the large window. I smiled dolefully.

_So pretty,_ I thought. _I can't believe that those teens live in a place like this._

_I do too, don't I?_

_Well, not really._

_Technically, I do._

_Not legally._

_It sure wasn't legal to kidnap me like this. I'm still held hostage! What about escaping?_

_It's not SO bad after all, _I said to myself._ As long as I'm not locked away. I mean, they're giving me SOME freedom, which is better than none._

_There are NO benefits to living here,_ an aggravated voice seethed in my head.

Since I wasn't in the mood to argue, I slipped under the covers of the bed, nestling between a cluttered crowd of pillows. I turned onto my side, facing the window, and I sighed into the mattress. The sheet from the Infirmary was bundled into my chest like a child's keepsake.

_Things are okay now,_ I mentally whispered. _Maybe things will get better. They've only ever got better. Why would it be bad?_

_I'm going to regret this,_ said my subconscious. _I WILL regret this._

I closed my eyes, trying to evade the thoughts.

_Just you wait and see,_ the voice said in a taunting manner. _It'll be the worst decision that you've ever made. Just you wait and see._

* * *

**Author's Note: **Hope you guys liked it! I really love seeing how much my story has grown. I just can't believe that nearly a whole year ago, I started to write this and now I'm posting it :) Anyways, cya next time!


	9. Progressions into Normality

**Author's Note: **Well, vacation is over and now I'm worried about school. Junior year is supposed to be the hardest, so I'm going to have swimming, school, the ACT and my story to do all at once. I mean, I started writing this towards the end of Sophomore year when I was more available; I can't imagine how hard it will be this year, but I'll definitely try my hardest to keep updating ASAP :) Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary: **For several days, Raven is isolated within the Infirmary as she undergoes treatment. Fearful of her nightmares and debating her options of escape, the Titans must closely monitor her condition. During this period of time, Raven finds herself productively practicing her abilities, although she decides to be discreet about it towards the other Titans. Not long afterwards, Robin insists that she relocates to another room, hoping that she'll be happier in her old bedroom. He even suggests formal training with Starfire the next day to help her. Raven feels thankful of the Titans' trust in her, however she doesn't return the favor. Ignoring her chance of escape was a hesitant step in the right direction, but she's heavily concerned about regretting her decision in the future.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 9: _Progressions into Normality__  
_

I opened my eyes to a distorted view of the ceiling. The indigo blankets had shifted during the night and a few pillows were scattered among the floor, most likely due to my active nocturnal interactions. Drool had dribbled down my face as I slept and my hair lost all sense of decency. I sat upright, groaning as I mulled over my thoughts.

_I guess I was swimming in my sleep,_ I told myself as I surveyed the scene.

_It's weird, though. I don't remember my dream._

_Was I even dreaming last night?_

_I thought I was..._

I didn't bother to make the bed when I rose from the mattress. I stretched my sore muscles for a while, arching my back as I yawned. The ticking clock beside my bed read 8:47. I had slept for nearly the entire day yesterday, and I even went to bed early as well. However, I couldn't overcome the sense of grogginess. I felt like I could take another nap.

I quietly left my room and made my way down the corridor that basked in the natural light of the arousing sun. I took a turn into the bathroom since I figured that I needed to clean myself before a familial breakfast with the Titans. I splashed my face repeatedly with lukewarm water, scrubbing away the grime and filth from my previous slumber with a fresh towel. My teeth were brushed thoroughly and I even applied deodorant, knowing that I wouldn't have time to shower until tonight. However, it took longer to manage my untamed coiffure.

I scraped a comb through my scalp, withdrawing clumps of purple hair. The tips of my fibers were frayed and I had to work out the numerous tangles, which only seemed to damage my hairstyle. I sighed as I leered at my horrid reflection. I was disappointed with my appearance, but I decided to leave the bathroom anyway. I didn't have much patience left to care for my hair.

It took me a while to travel through the building. The sleek interior and the modern architecture made it difficult to navigate the labyrinth of hallways. I eventually found the elevator and went up a floor, proceeding down a hallway to a pair of doors that slid open automatically as a greeting. The Titans were present in the Main Ops room, each individual submersed into a task at hand. However, once I had entered, my presence wasn't noticed right away, to my relief. I was thankful to be spared the attention.

From where I was, I could see Cyborg in the section of the room that was designed as a kitchen. His actions seemed erratic and improvised, yet he performed them fluently, as if he had rehearsed it numerous times before. The mechanical man wore a large chef hat as he enthusiastically cooked a meal that could've fed an army. Scrambled eggs were sizzling in a pan on the stove. The sweet juice of oranges was being extracted from the ripe fruit. In the oven, yeast made the buttery rolls of dough rise as they baked to achieve a crispy, golden shell. Cyborg easily juggled each activity as he chopped fruit on the counter, neatly organizing the geometric slices onto a large platter. He tossed the paper-thin knife into the air, having it perform a couple somersaults before landing perfectly in his hand. Cyborg grinned to himself and began to sing along to the radio that was perched on the counter beside him, providing music as another source of entertainment.

Starfire was seated at a chair in the kitchen, accompanying Cyborg as he prepared breakfast. In her lap, she cradled her pet, the mutant larvae that she had shown me earlier. She fed Silkie like a baby, nursing him with a bottle of formula, no doubt a concoction of alien ingredients from Tamaran. Once he had drained the bottle, he belched loudly, provoking a laugh from Starfire.

"My little _bumgorf_!" she squealed, giving Silkie a bone-crushing hug.

As Starfire nuzzled her face with the animal's, it responded by licking her cheek, leaving behind a gooey trail of slime. I was disgusted, but Starfire seemed overjoyed by Silkie's actions. She laughed and, in return, licked the larvae back with a long purple tongue, most likely due to her alien physiology. I decided not to question it, despite my confusion.

Confined to the opposite side of the room, Robin stood alone, his back facing me. He was busy reading an illuminated screen, displaying graphs of information that I couldn't decipher. Occasionally, Robin stopped to rub his chin as he considered a thought, then continued to furiously type on a large keyboard.

I didn't know how to approach the social activity. By all means, I would avoid having to speak with the teenagers if I could. I felt too insecure and exposed around them to interact. They've treated me for a little over two weeks, and I am thankful, but I still refuse to trust them. There are all sorts of secrets that they could be harboring from me.

My glance momentarily drifted to the large window. During the incident where I attempted to escape, I blew out window using only the sheer power of my anger, which had come out of nowhere.

_At least they fixed it,_ I thought.

_So that's another to the list of apologies, huh?_

While considering if I should attract attention or retreat back to my bedroom, I mentally counted the heads in the area.

_Wait,_ I told myself. _Someone's missing._

Realization struck the moment the doors behind me hissed away. I nearly tumbled down the small flight of stairs when the entering individual collided into my back. I staggered forward, tripping over my inactive feet, but I regained balance without a problem. My head whirled around.

"Beast Boy?"

"Oh," Beast Boy said awkwardly, avoiding my eyes. "Hey Raven."

I could sense Robin carefully watching us from afar. When I looked his way, Robin's gaze fell, busying himself with the equipment before him. His suspicion made me feel self-conscious of the situation.

"Didn't see you there," the green changeling confessed. "Sorry about that."

I held back the urge of frustration, despite my emotions.

"No, it was me," I announced submissively. "I shouldn't have stood there anyway."

Beast Boy nodded, unsure if he wanted to continue the conversation. Thankfully, during the encounter, Cyborg saw us and decided to intervene.

"Yo, Grass Stain!"

Beast Boy turned to his friend, his embarrassed expression replaced with a relieved grin.

"Get your green butt down here, man! Breakfast is cooking fast."

"On it!" he answered with determination and then faced me once again. "So, I should-"

Beast Boy gestured to the kitchen, wearing a sympathetic smile. He carefully walked around me, as if he wanted to prevent direct contact, and trekked to the counters to provide assistance.

"Glad you're out, Raven!" Cyborg called to me.

"Thanks," I called back.

I didn't know what else to say. Remembering all the apologies I had to make, I decided to ask a question.

"Is your chin any better?"

Cyborg was confused at first, his hand reaching for his jaw, but he then he remembered. I had kicked him in the face that same day I was running away, and I wanted to be sure that there weren't any hard feelings.

"Oh, oh yeah I'm all good," he said. "I've been worse, trust me, but you had a lot of fight in ya."

I smiled softly then sighed, watching as the Titans worked together to set up the meal. Cyborg beckoned for me when he saw how quiet I became.

"Well c'mon now. Don't be shy."

I hesitantly scaled down the steps, joining the mass of Titans who were eager to eat. Everybody was grabbing dishes to bring to the table, so I contributed by grabbing the platter of sliced fruit. I sat in a booth at the very end of the table as the Titans settled into their seats. The meal had been laid out before us, like a personal buffet, with enough food for several helpings. Cyborg was shoveling up an endless amount of scrambled eggs while Robin stacked buttery rolls and fruit onto his plate. Beast Boy was dining on a block of a gooey, white substance, which I had presumed to be the disgusting tofu that Cyborg had mentioned. Starfire was also consuming large quantities of the breakfast, as well as alien foods that I couldn't recognize. Instead of the provided orange juice, she drank from a mustard container, nearly gulping the entire bottle in a single swig. Silkie ate beside her at a competitive rate that inspired choking as a danger.

And yet, I remained still.

I silently observed the camaraderie between the unsupervised teenagers. Their relationship advanced beyond an amiable phase. In fact, they functioned much alike a family without the need of parental guidance. Robin and Starfire were eagerly chatting together, each bearing a smile that would only surface during an entertaining conversation. Starfire would occasionally giggle and playfully shove Robin, to which he would blush, pleased to see the tangerine girl enjoying his jokes. Meanwhile, Cyborg and Beast Boy were waging an active war by flicking missiles of food across the table. After concocting the clever idea, Cyborg calculated his aim and launched a grape at the distracted leader, thinking that Robin wouldn't notice. However, Robin's reflexes were swift and he deflected the grape, which only proceeded to land in Starfire's hair. She laughed hysterically before withdrawing the fruit and popping it into her mouth, commenting about its taste.

Laughter radiated from everyone.

_Everyone_, except me.

Their childish manners were hard to understand, especially when their dwelling seemed professional. It was utterly chaotic, and yet, they didn't seem to care. They had fun by playing with their food and telling jokes, their voices raised at certain times. But I didn't participate in the activity, feeling disconnected with the Titans. Robin realized my social exclusion and cleared his throat.

"So Raven, how did you like the room?"

"It's nice to be alone for a while," I replied with a useless shrug. "Thank you, though."

"It is comfortable, yes?" Starfire chimed in, insisting for my participation.

"Everything is just fine. I think that it's way better that the Infirmary."

"We figured that you would," Robin agreed. "It took a while to get into it, since you never told us the password, but we're glad that you like it. In a way, it's like another stepping stone to recovery."

"And you are well on your way," added Starfire.

Cyborg frowned and gestured to my vacant plate with his fork.

"Aren't ya hungry?" he asked me.

_YES,_ groaned an annoyed voice within my mind.

"No, I'm okay," I apologized dismissively.

"You have to at least try something," Robin encouraged me.

"Really. I'm fine."

"Can I get ya anything?" offered Cyborg.

I shook my head in denial.

"Please, Friend Raven," Starfire pleaded. "You will need the energy. I ask that you eat until you are satisfied."

"Here," said Cyborg. "Have some of this."

I winced as a dollop of scrambled eggs plopped onto my plate. Robin passed over a flaky roll of dough and Starfire proposed that I drench my entire meal in mustard. The food before me was anything but appetizing.

_Why must they care so much?_ I thought angrily. _Why can't they just leave me alone? I didn't even want to show up here anyway!_

_But I'm starving..._

_As if I'll admit that! I don't need their help!_

_Poison! There's STILL a chance that it can be poisoned!_

_I THOUGHT WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS._

In response to my thoughts, I shoved the platter away from me. The Titans exchanged confused expressions while my cheeks inflated with embarrassment. Just then, a jet-black mug was placed in front of me. I mentally squealed when my nose detected the comforting fragrance of vanilla that breathed from the murky brew. Before I could express my gratitude, Beast Boy returned to his seat without a word, picking at his food to distract himself from me. I somberly began to drink the herbal tea, trying my hardest not to appear guilty.

_What kind of person AM I?_ I punished myself. _They're only trying to help!_

_It was very kind of Beast Boy to make this for me._

_Just add it to the list of what I need to thank him for already..._

Starfire hesitantly stood up and approached me, her hand contacting my shoulder as she spoke.

"Come, Friend Raven," said the green-eyed alien once my mug had been emptied. "There is much that is to be learned in your first session of training."

* * *

The tangerine girl and I traveled to the personal gymnasium built within the Tower together, a glass of water in Starfire's hand. It was obvious that the room was used on a daily basis. Apparently, staying healthy was a requirement for their profession, which remained a mystery to me. Each adolescent seemed to have received training at some point according to their skills. Robin possessed agile, athletic movements during combat; Cyborg's tall frame allowed him to dominate in power and strength; Beast Boy had a lean physical condition, which allowed a quick transition into animals; Starfire's slim figure and flexibility enhanced the speed of her flight.

I didn't know what I had that was special against the Titans.

With that in mind, I grew anxious as I surveyed the exercise machines, fearing the idea of having vigorous workout routines and strict, exclusive diets involved in my training. It wasn't something that I'd be willing to do. The teenagers insisted that they could help me with my abilities, even though I already had a basic yet confident understanding. I could only learn from them, so I assumed that it wouldn't hurt to try a day in order to improve. However, I hoped that it wouldn't become a regular event.

Bonding with the Titans was the last thing that I wanted. I found it hard to believe their logic, despite the constant hospitality, so it would be risky to present my trust. With that, I refused to establish a relationship. They seemed kind and caring, which was pretty convincing, but I still know nothing about them. They were my captors, after all! I wasn't planning on escaping anymore, but that doesn't mean I want to be restrained as a hostage.

In the gym, Starfire guided me to a large foam rug where gymnastic routines would be performed. She didn't even bother to turn on the lights as we entered. Starfire set the glass of water aside, plopped to the floor that was imbedded with springs and crossed her legs as the rug rumbled under her weight. A hand patted the floor in front of her.

"Please sit," Starfire beckoned me.

Warily, I sat down and mirrored the alien's appearance. I conformed to a stiff posture, dropping my shoulders back so my head could be held high. My legs adopted to the lotus position and my hands rested on my knees, my palms facing the ceiling. Starfire closed her eyes, sighing before she spoke.

"Inhale," she commanded me.

"Starfire?"

"Yes?"

"What are we doing?" I inquired suspiciously.

"We need to relax," Starfire answered simply. "Now, in you breathe."

"Why are we doing this?"

"To relax ourselves."

"But I'm already relaxed!"

"Do not slouch, Friend Raven."

I muttered an apology as I straightened my back, keeping a tense figure.

"The goal is to be calm," Starfire informed me, her eyes still shut. "To be flexible and at ease while sustaining a powerful form."

"But what exactly are we-?"

"Shhhh," she alien hushed me. "Inhale, Friend Raven."

With a sarcastic roll of my eyes, I took a deep breath through my mouth and I exhaled through my nose, as instructed by Starfire. We repeated this several times together, stirring up the silence in the unlit room. I groaned in frustration, throwing my hands up into the air.

"Where is this going?" I demanded.

A green-sclera eye merely peeked at me.

"Patience," Starfire whispered before shutting her eye once more.

"I'm serious, Starfire."

"As am I."

With an irritated grunt, I stood up and began to march across the room.

"This isn't worth my time," I ranted as I strode towards the exit. "This isn't helping me at all!"

"Friend Raven, wait!"

Starfire's flight excelled until she became the barrier between me and door. Her hands her were raised to prevent me from exiting.

"You cannot leave just yet. I ask for you to comply. This is how you will train."

"By teaching me how to breathe properly?" I retorted.

"It is a progression," the hovering alien explained. "You must achieve a stable peace before we proceed to the next action in the succession."

"And exactly how long will this take?"

"It will also require patience," added Starfire. "But you must trust me."

I reeled when Starfire said the word _trust_ as if it had set off a warning signal in my mind.

"Fine," I said at last, even though I didn't agree to my statement. "Train me, then."

Starfire and I sat down once again and we each folded our legs comfortably. We evenly breathed together before Starfire provided more instructions.

"Now, repeat my words: Azarath Metrion Zinthos."

"What?"

"Repeat it, Friend Raven."

"Why? What does it mean?"

"I am not entirely sure-"

I interrupted Starfire with a groan of frustration while she tried to protest.

"But Raven! You must say it! The meaning of the phrase may not matter, but it is important that you state it!"

"What kind of yoga is this?" I said, my voice becoming animated.

"This is a meditation ritual," the tangerine girl answered. "These are sacred words to you."

"What a waste of time," I murmured to myself. "Meditating? What good is that-?"

"You may not trust me, but can you believe me?"

"Is there a difference?" I countered.

"There is if you prove it."

I paused, digesting her thoughtful words.

"Please, I encourage you to try it. Perhaps your belief will persuade your decision."

"Alright," I sighed in defeat. "Just tell me what to do."

"Excellent!"

"I don't need praise," I muttered stiffly, but Starfire's happiness never wavered.

I listened to the alien's instructions carefully. My breaths were deep and my posture was ideal, as Starfire had wanted it. With a calm pulse and closed eyes, I repeated the strange words.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos..."

In an instant, my eyes snapped open, my heart convulsing with excitement. Out of the corner of my eye, Starfire wore a grateful smile.

There was a difference. A _big_ difference. It surprised me how much I could change after three lyrical words, but I felt it. I _felt_ it. But what did I feel? What was the difference that had impacted me so majorly?

"How?" I uttered, gaping at Starfire.

"It is your Clones of Emotion," she replied happily.

"My _what_?"

"Emoticlones," she clarified. "It is your emotions that affect your abilities."

"My...my emotions?"

_It was how I felt,_ I thought to myself. _It was ALWAYS about how I felt. A part of me knew that feeling, mostly intense focus, allowed me to use my power, but I didn't think that it was the cause of my abilities._

The window.

The vial.

The syringe.

The light bulb.

This whole time, my feelings were linked to my powers and I had no idea.

_No wonder they were worried about me. If I got too worked up, who knows what I could've done!_

_My anger did cause a lot of problems..._

_And solved some too._

_But how can this be true?_ I asked myself. _Why is it like this?_

It all made perfect sense, but it was a surreal theory to understand. I craved for more knowledge of the subject.

"So where are they?" I asked. "These _Emoticlones_ that affect me, I mean."

Starfire tapped her head as she whispered, "In your mind."

"Can I talk to them?"

"I am afraid not," the alien apologized. "Nevermore seems unstable now. It would be unwise to enter until your recovery is most evident."

"Nevermore?"

"It is the domain where your Clones of Emotion reside."

"So that's what you were talking about," I said.

My hand absent-mindedly reached for my forehead but I hesitated.

_A whole another world in my head?_ I thought.

_Not really..._

_Yeah, it's not as interesting as you think._

_It's cozy up in here!_

_And disgusting._

"My thoughts," I murmured in a hushed tone.

"Yes, your thoughts and emotions are vital towards the use of your powers."

Upon detecting my confusion, Starfire began to elucidate.

"As you are able to see, when your power has a black hue, it would mean that your emotions are not balanced. In numerous cases, it would be the cause of an emotion that is being released more than another. Such imperfection is not dangerous yet typical. However, when your powers are at their peak, they would be white. I have seen you use your abilities as I am mentioning for only a few occurrences. It is apparently difficult to master an ideal balance for some feelings are stronger than others."

"Like my anger," I whispered, to which Starfire nodded somberly.

"And to your Clones of Emotion, since they each possess a unique tint to their powers, to use your ability towards a singular emotion and to exclude all others would give your energy another hue."

"Oh," I commented. "They each represent a piece of me according to a certain color?"

"Precisely!" Starfire enthused.

"So, if I were to only use my anger..."

"Then the energy from your hands would be red," Starfire informed me. "Due to the color of your present soul."

I silently recalled the other day when I was discreetly playing in the Infirmary. I remembered how the color of the force had strobed red several times before it returned to its natural pigment.

_My anger must've made an appearance,_ I told myself. _I better be more careful about that._

_Yes, you should..._

"What others are there, then?" I questioned the tangerine girl.

"Rage is most known to me, but I do not know the exact number of the Clones of Emotion that you possess."

"Oh, well, does this mean that I have to control my emotions at all times? Isn't that hard?"

"I would assume as such. We never disrespected your emotions, Friend Raven. We all knew the procedures you endure on a daily basis to submit your emotions. Meditating is a skill that we have practiced that will surely help. However, it can be a tedious task to complete."

"Everyday?" I asked, slightly startled.

"Your powers are fueled by emotion. You have told me once that the more you feel, the more energy you are able to release. However, your emotions are delicate. You can be easily distraught or distracted. It requires intense focus and concentration."

I looked down at my hands as the alien spoke. They quickly sparked with a weak flash of dark energy before evaporating. I closed them in defeat, questioning if I could even control my emotions.

"Yes, your powers are very demanding, yet in the past, you were able to use them to your benefit. What trouble is there for you to not believe in your abilities?"

"How about my amnesia?" I asked sarcastically.

Starfire smiled kindly at my response, despite my hurtful intention.

"You lack simple information, Raven. We are contributing our knowledge for you to learn and study. It will take time for the missing memory to return, as well as for you to complete your training, but that does not mean you will never do what you have done once before."

"Who says that it'll ever return?" I retorted.

"You are learning what you knew before the amnesia. After the teachings, everything will be normal, yes?"

I shrugged in defeat.

"I don't feel the same. It doesn't feel right. I have no idea what I was like before the amnesia."

"And we do," Starfire assured me, gesturing to herself. "If you allow us to help, you will recover in little time."

I nodded, even though I doubted her words. Starfire smiled at my approval then proceeded to teach me.

"Now, about that lesson..."

"I'm going to try to use it again," I replied with determination.

"Very well. However, I do not want to complicate this period of learning, so I request that we should begin with the simple tasks."

"Like what?"

"When we had switched, I was able to use your powers to lift and relocate solid objects to my advantage."

"Wait, when we _switched_? What do you mean by that?"

"Long story," Starfire sighed before continuing. "This skill is the primary succession that should be mastered before all others."

The female alien gestured to the glass of water in her hand. She placed it on the shock-absorbent ground then backed away, giving enough space for my powers to be isolated from outside sources.

"You are to lift the glass," Starfire ordered me. "Slowly and carefully. Use your abilities to manipulate the cup."

I took a wide stance, raising my right hand to aim at the glass cup filled with water.

"_Think_," Starfire encouraged me. "_Concentrate_. Use the mantra that you had said during meditation."

As I spoke the words, I gasped when I felt the controlled effects of my ability for the first time. My hands were concealed in a black aura, but they never shivered like they normally would. I watched with exhilarating triumph as a blinking force enveloped the cup, like a secondary layer of skin, and start to rise. As I lifted my hand, commanding the glass to do the same, the energy began to evaporate. I lost concentration immediately and the cup fell from its height, causing it to land and spill its contents onto the floor.

"You must speak in a monotone," Starfire instructed me. "That may have been the reason why your energy was not strong enough to continue."

"Huh?"

"The pitch of your voice can also affect your abilities. The difference between shouting your mantra and whispering your mantra is significant. To speak in a controlled tone is the first step towards monitoring your feelings."

"Have I always done that?"

"Always," she replied with a smile. "Individuals have often received the wrong impression."

"Great," I muttered, shaking my head at the carnage by our feet.

"Yes, it is difficult," the alien somberly agreed. "But it is who you are. You should be proud of your being."

"I know, but what am I?" I inquired. "I mean, WHY do these Emoticlones exist? What's their purpose anyway?"

"Well, your Clones of Emotion have a special requirement to express the feeling of which they represent. A prolonged period of time without the release of stress can be dangerous. By restraining each Clone of Emotion, you will begin to suffer and decline in health. Your powers may become nonexistent. In favor, it is most beneficial if you meditate on a daily basis, or be sure to express each feeling you possess before it becomes too overwhelming for you to handle. However, it is vital that you release the energy in a controlled fashion, for the more you feel, the more powerful the Clone of Emotion that you are experiencing will become."

"So," I concluded. "If my anger needs to be released..."

"You must be careful," Starfire informed me. "As you relieve the stress, Rage can use the energy to empower herself, which is a threat for every Clone of Emotion."

"How am I supposed to control it?" I asked her. "I need to be angry but I can't be too angry? That doesn't make any sense."

"You must find that perfect balance," she instructed me. "A balance between suppressing your Clones of Emotion while relieving the stress they produce from within Nevermore. They are restless, Friend Raven. They will not stay dormant for long periods of time."

I sighed mournfully, easing my thoughts.

_It's like taking care of a bunch of babies in my mind,_ I said mentally.

_Well that was a nice comment!_ a sarcastic voice quipped in response.

"Okay," I said at last. "I'll try it again."

Starfire grinned at me.

"We will have many tasks to accomplish. Let us begin!"

* * *

For the rest of the day, Starfire and I were engaged with intense training. Our schedule was booked solid with activities to accomplish. We had to meditate for a while, in order to calm my nervous antics and wild emotions. Afterwards, we would proceed with the basic succession of my abilities. I demonstrated what I already knew to Starfire, and performed them once again using my knowledge. Creating beams and blasts became an easier skill. Starfire even helped me improve my technique for future reference. To demonstrate my aim, Starfire placed objects across the room as targets for me. After blasting each one away, I received the applause of a grand audience from the green-eyed alien.

"Glorious!" she had exclaimed as she cheered for me to continue.

By the end of the training session, we were both exhausted. My limbs were quaking with fatigue due to the prolonged period of time without exercise, and even Starfire seemed tired, but she was pleased nevertheless. The alien's praise never ceased, even as we traveled upstairs together.

"I am proud of your skills, Friend Raven," she said as we migrated onto the elevator. "But there is much improvement to be achieved."

"What do you suggest?" I asked her, clicking a button.

"May we continue the training tomorrow? I will make the promise that it will not be as difficult."

I shrugged as the platform surged upward.

"If you think that it's the best idea."

"It will be most beneficial," enthused Starfire. "Do you wish to continue with me?"

I turned to face Starfire as the elevator came to a halt. She grinned brightly, her green-sclera eyes sparkling with excitement.

_I don't want to bond with them..._

_But I want to learn._

_There's so much to explain. Is it really worth it?_

I returned the alien's smile with a timid version of my own.

"Of course I want to learn from you," I told her. "I greatly appreciate your help."

When we arrived in the Main Ops room, someone had ordered a huge stack of pizza for dinner. The Titans were gathered around the crescent-shaped couch as they ate, a TV show being displayed overhead. They laughed and chatted amongst themselves nonchalantly, dining over a slice of pizza, but the whole situation made me feel uncomfortable already. Starfire had offered for me to join them in "the potato-ing of the couch" but I refused as kindly as I could. I lied about being too tired and I told her that I would see her in the morning. Although she was disappointed, she bid me a "farewell" as I stole a piece of pizza for the walk back.

I took a longer route through the building, traveling through the stairwell instead of the elevator. However, I didn't turn into my hallway. I entered another hallway, similar to the corridor where the female rooms were located. After reading each sign, I stood in front of a paneled door and forced myself to knock a couple times, praying for an answer. There was a loud rustling behind the wall, followed by the thumping of a pair of feet before the door slid partway open.

"Hi," I greeted lamely, fumbling with my simple greeting.

I had immediately noticed the green changeling's absence from the gathering in the Main Ops room, so I took the opportunity to speak to him in private. I had been meaning to talk to him for a while now and I didn't want to delay the awkward conversation any longer. Apparently, I had caught Beast Boy by surprise when I showed up at his dormitory.

_He must've been sleeping,_ I thought as I observed his slightly damp and shaggy hair.

_Or showering,_ another voice piped up.

_Well he's still in his uniform, unless he changed back into it..._

I stopped all other thoughts to prevent distraction, realizing how intrusive they were becoming.

"Raven?" he asked me, unsure of my arrival. "Is something wrong?"

Beast Boy didn't open the door any wider. Through small cracks, I could already detect the mess beyond the entrance of his room. My nose tingled with the smell of a wet dog, which radiated from his body like a natural cologne.

_Yup. He definitely just showered._

"I, uh...I needed the thank you," I announced nervously.

"Huh? What for?"

"For everything."

Beast Boy reeled a bit, almost appearing hurt.

"Raven, I-"

"You stopped the panic attack," I protested. "You were there after the nightmare. And you made tea for me. I know it sounds stupid but I have to thank you for that."

"There's really no need," he assured me. "I just wanted to help."

"You did, and I'm so grateful for that."

"It was nothing."

"It was _something_, and it meant a lot to me, so thank you."

Beast Boy blinked his glassy eyes several times, as if evading tears. He nodded briskly as he stared at his feet. I turned to walk away, not knowing how else to end the conversation.

"Hey."

I stopped and glanced over my shoulder, expecting Beast Boy to speak.

"Goodnight."

I smiled softly.

"See you tomorrow."

_So much for 'refusing' to bond with the Titans,_ a voice snarled as I sauntered back to my room, hiding a blush that was conforming to my cheeks.

* * *

**Author's Note: **So what do you guys think so far? Any requests, ideas or suggestions? I'm open for questions too (and of course I'll try to update sooner)! Hope to hear from you all soon :)


	10. Tempting Instincts

**Author's Note: **I'm really, really, really, _really_, REALLY sorry guys. So much was piled on top of me for school that I never got the chance to post again. I honestly _should_ be doing homework, but oh well. It can wait since you guys waited long enough. I plan on posting every 2 weeks on Sunday, so hopefully I can regulate that soon. On the brighter side, I hope you guys like the new cover photo I made! I spent hours and hours making it and I'm very happy that I finally got to post it. It adds a nice little touch to the story :) Well that's enough outta me. Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary:** After Raven's first night in her bedroom, she wakes up at an earlier time to join the Titans for breakfast. The experience was less than what she desired and her first lesson with Starfire wasn't exactly easy either. Her frustration was an apparent problem, but she learned of the importance of her emotions, which aided the use of her powers. Starfire taught Raven how to meditate and the meaning behind her mantra, _Azarath Metrion Zinthos_, and ever since, Raven began to thrive with her abilities. However, even after a successful day, Raven felt guilt and she decided to apologize to Beast Boy, much to his surprise. At last, she feels relieved, but even she knows that no number of apologies could make up for all that he has done.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 10: _Tempting Instincts_

"Are you sure you wish to continue?"

I nodded briskly, my eyes set with determination. Starfire and I had been training for the past several hours and the effect of a deteriorating energy supply began to appear. I was weak and feeble, but I wanted to display my improvement. I needed to prove my knowledge to not only Starfire and the Titans but to myself as well.

_I'm going to be sore,_ I told myself. _But I'll be proud._

_That is if you don't fail..._

"I'm ready," I assured her, taking a wide, balanced stance.

"It has only been a few days, Friend Raven. Do not be ashamed if you do not succeed on your first attempt."

"I'll know what to do. Besides, it's just practice, right?"

Starfire smiled kindly, despite her weariness. I could sense her yearning for a rest. She, too, showed symptoms of exhaustion. Apparently, teaching could be a tedious and difficult task. However, she masked her grogginess and confined herself to the wall, allowing enough space for me to demonstrate my abilities.

"Astral projection," she declared in an expanding voice. "Physical."

My arms were rigid at my side, tensing to overcome the pain of sore muscles. My fists became encompassed in a sphere of dark energy, emanating a ghastly glow that threatened to attack. I raised my hands to my face, prepared for a brawl. Starfire smiled with satisfaction, but I had yet to begin.

"Attack!" she commanded me. "Attack now!"

Earlier, Starfire and I had placed training dummies in convenient places across the room with which to practice. They varied in size, and some were already worn from past training sessions, but Starfire approved their usage for me. They absorbed damage pretty easily and I felt terrible for destroying their property.

_At least I'm not fighting real people,_ I had thought as I inspected the dummies.

_If I wasn't meant to, then why am I fighting?_

I scanned through each of my targets, isolating my first victim. With the continual motion of my hands, I launched a series of blasts towards an individual dummy. My attacks rained upon it until there was nothing left but scraps of leather and cotton stuffing.

I used an extension of my hand as another attack. My dark power took the form of my hand and I shot it across the room so it picked up a dummy. By physically squeezing my hand, the dummy was crushed in the grasp of my astral projection. I released it once I was sure it was dead, in terms of practice.

On the next dummy, I tried a different form of offense. My dark power engulfed the entire object in a large sphere that levitated off the ground, trapping the lifeless victim inside. With mental concentration, the black bubble began to shrink, the claustrophobic dummy suffering from compression as its size began to decrease. The concealed space had crushed the dummy, reducing it to a pile of rubble once the sphere had evaporated.

I then joined both of my hands together, fueling my energy to produce a more concentrated force. My aim was precise, as I had mastered before, and the beam of dark energy hit the dummy square in the chest cavity, where a pulsing heart would occupy. The attack would have been fatal if the dummy had been alive.

"Defense!" Starfire exclaimed suddenly. "Defend yourself!"

Instinctively, I encased myself in a hemisphere dome, my arms spread apart to keep the barrier sustained. I imagined my defensive shield absorbing the attacks from my enemies before I allowed it to vanish without a trace. Starfire had another curve ball to throw.

"A victim is falling," she informed me in a narrative voice. "Catch her before she injures herself once more."

Starfire took flight and soared into the air above my head. She hovered for a moment as she spread out her arms, willing up the courage to entrust her safety as my responsibility. With closed eyes, Starfire ceased her flight and collapsed backwards, impersonating an unconscious victim who needed a rescue. Only quick thinking would prevent her from contacting the floor.

My fast reflexes caught Starfire before I knew what I was doing. She was enveloped in a layer of my power, which held her up with ease. I gingerly lowered her limp body to the floor before I released the sustainment of dark energy. Starfire sat up, smiling in approval.

"Well done!" the tangerine girl enthused. "The improvement within your abilities is remarkable."

"Thanks," I replied. "Wouldn't have done it without you though."

"Do not be humble, Friend Raven. Your skills are wonderful."

I flashed a smile, thanking her once again for her help.

"Now, the next progression."

Starfire flew across the room and gestured to the array of dumbbells and weights that she had strategically placed.

"You are to pick these up and relocate them safely," she instructed me. "There is to be no harm to anything. I expect nothing to be damaged."

I took a stance and raised my hand, but Starfire interrupted once again.

"Mentally."

I rolled my eyes as I lamely dropped my arm, stifling a sigh.

"As you wish," I said with mock formality.

Each dumbbell had a different weight than the next. Some required more concentration and focus than others, and the successful transport of each weight varied. On my first try, the dumbbell hardly budged. I had to strain so hard in order to keep it in the air. On another, I lost focus early and it plummeted to the floor, the unexpected sound scaring both me and Starfire. However, by the last weight, my abilities had greatly improved. It seemed like a painstakingly slow pace, but Starfire was thrilled to see me accomplish the task. Despite my weariness, I was pleased myself.

"Glorious! Nearly all formations of astral projection has been achieved! I am impressed, Friend Raven!"

"Thanks," I said, enjoying the praise like a puppy receiving a treat.

"However, there is still much to learn," Starfire pointed out.

"Like what?" I inquired, suddenly interested, but Starfire only grinned amiably.

"We shall continue with more advanced skills. You see, your dark energy has many uses. There are many other abilities that you may master as well."

"Okay...?" I said, unsure.

"Teleportation is a skill that you had used often. Since you understand the connection between you and your soul-self, perhaps you may find the other advantages you possess during separation. Phasing through objects and creating portals is not an easy ability-"

"Can I try?" I asked eagerly.

It seemed like an interesting idea to exploit. Plus, it was a new topic to study. Launching my soul-self for offense and defense became boring in a sense. I craved for a fresh lesson.

"Now, it is not easy-"

"I know I know," I interjected, waving away her warnings. "But give me a chance, at least."

I held out my hand, preparing to project my power, but the most peculiar thing happened. My focus was concentrated, connecting my emotions to my abilities. I had an ideal stance and my posture was firm yet flexible. However, my soul-self did not follow my command.

"You must think of where you wish to travel," Starfire instructed me.

"Okay. I'll try it."

I tried to summon my dark energy again, but nothing dared to appear. Frustration began to taint my concentration, which only worsened my chances of producing an astral projection.

"Raven, please do not be upset."

"I can't get it," I groaned helplessly. "Why won't it work?"

"It may require time and patience before success..."

I thrusted my hand forward, gritting my teeth and straining with the effort. This time, my power was seen, but it instantaneously dissolved in the air like a ghostly smoke. I kept trying again and again, and I received different results each time, yet my dark energy would not sustain. As I kept attempting to use it, it became less and less prominent. My face was livid.

"Perhaps a period of meditation will-"

"I _don't_ need to mediate again," I barked at Starfire, furious at her suggestion. "I just want to DO this!"

"Raven, it is not an easy skill. Even I have not used teleportation while I had briefly possessed your abilities."

"I should STILL be able to do it! I've done it before, right? Before the amnesia?"

Starfire nodded. I growled in annoyance as I repeatedly tried to access my powers, but my prospect seemed in vain. By now, I couldn't produce any astral projection at all. No matter how hard I punched the air, my soul-self never made an appearance.

"Why isn't anything happening?"

"Raven, I ask that you keep your voice quiet."

"Something's wrong, Starfire. My powers aren't working!"

"Friend Raven-"

I swatted an orange hand away as it attempted to contact my shoulder in assurance.

"Stop it! I'm serious!"

"You must not be angry."

"Well I am angry, Starfire! My powers _won't work!_ Don't you think that's a problem?"

"Please calm down!" Starfire begged. "Do not shout!"

"WHY can't I do anything now?!"

"Your anger," she whispered timidly.

"Starfire!"

The alien flinched, as if expecting pain.

"Are you going to help me or not?!"

"I am trying," she squealed helplessly. "But you must listen!"

"I was just fine! Why can't I-?"

"Your anger!" Starfire exclaimed. "It is your anger, Raven!"

"What about it?" I threatened her. "I thought I was supposed to feel in order to use my powers. That's what you said, huh? Am I right? Well I'm angry, and I'm feeling, now why can't I-!"

"Raven, please stop!"

"You said that I could-"

"It will not work as such!" Starfire pleaded. "You must stop! Do not argue anymore!"

"I'm feeling, Starfire!" I taunted sarcastically. "Oh, I'm _feeling_. I'm losing control now, Starfire. Something bad is going to happen. I have no control of it anymore..."

"Stop stop stop!" Starfire whined, her hands shielding her face. "Please stop, Raven! You are scaring me!"

I started to laugh at her cowardly reaction. The alien's perspective resembled childhood innocence, much alike a toddler. It contrasted majorly against her maternal instincts of providing support and care. However, she was very naive and gullible, believing even the most absurd ideas and illogical myths. Starfire was quick to establish truth, which was her weakness, and I enjoyed to exploit it by using thick, intelligent sarcasm and nasty jokes.

Starfire's feelings were badly hurt, and yet I was laughing gleefully, my nature becoming sadistic. Her expression of betrayal and embarrassment seemed to please me. The alien glared with green-sclera eyes framed in tears as I chuckled heartily.

"This is not funny," Starfire muttered hotly.

"Oh, I think is," I responded nonchalantly in return.

"You have lied to me!"

"Did I?"

"Yes!"

"Oops."

"_Raven!_"

"Hmm?"

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing in particular," I answered slyly.

"Why must you act coy?" the alien wondered.

I shrugged, purposely trying to adopt a discrete character and offer little explanation. Starfire reeled at my response, which made me smile.

_Her face is priceless,_ I thought.

_I can't believe how stupid she is. Can you?_

_Someone needs to explain it to her..._

The alternation of emotion was brief and sudden, yet detectable. I could sense a level of fear from Starfire, but she sustained a stoic expression as she started to approach me, her arms raised to symbolize peace. Her wide eyes were a window to her feelings.

"Friend Raven," she said quietly. "I ask for your cooperation."

_What's getting her so worked up?_ I thought.

_Beats me..._

"You must control it," she ordered me. "You must suppress the imbalance."

"Imbalance? Wha-?"

"Raven!" the tangerine girl urged me. "Please! Do as I say! Do not listen to your thoughts! You can overcome it!"

_My thoughts?_

_She's onto us..._

"What do you mean?" I inquired worriedly as I became self-aware of the situation. "What's going on?"

"Do not allow your emotions to lead your actions, Raven. Control it!"

"Control what?!"

"Please! Do not shout!"

"Starfire!"

"Stop what you are doing!"

"What am I doing?!"

"No! Do not give in!"

"Don't give in to WHAT?!" I screamed hysterically.

But I knew right then and there what she meant as soon as my speech sounded.

I blinked several times, casting away the construction of water upon my amethyst irises. My vision wavered slightly, like a camera adjusting its focus, before my environment seemed stable. Balance became an apparent issue and I stumbled over my inactive feet. Starfire reported to my side, offering an arm for assistance before I had a chance to accept.

"Raven?"

I released a raspy sigh that I had forgotten to expel, nearly choking on my next inhale. Starfire searched my somber facial expression and glazed eyes for a response, but I provided none. I felt dreary, like the aftermath of a prolonged nap. My mind had seemingly reset itself, slowly remembering what had happened.

"Raven, are you hurt?"

"What?"

"Friend Raven?"

I closed my eyes, long and hard, and reopened them, almost squinting in the curtain of dimmed lights.

"Huh? Starfire?"

The alien relaxed her tense muscles in relief, her heart anxiously pulsing for a mistake that would summon a rescue. She was almost expecting for me to admit a problem that would require her assistance. My hand was plastered to my head, my fingers groping through my scalp in frustration. I had a nauseous headache.

"Raven. You are pale..."

"I'm always pale," I muttered, managing to acquire a little humor.

"No. I meant that you appear ill."

"Yeah yeah, I knew what you meant."

"Please allow me to escort you to the Infirmary-"

"Oh no," I interjected, snapping into action. "No, I'm not going back there."

I started to shuffle away, but once again, my feet refused to perform any locomotion. I nearly tripped and I barely caught myself. Starfire dove with hands reaching for me but I waved her away.

"No! I said I'm fine."

_I do this all the time__,_ I thought. _I always feel wobbly._

_Who said that's a good thing?_

"Raven, you are tired. You overcame the imbalance so it is typical to be weary."

"I- I what?"

Starfire shook her head somberly.

"There has been enough of the practice today. I forbid you to continue without a proper rest. Please allow me to assist you-"

"Don't. Leave me alone."

"You are tired, yes?"

I gazed down at my trembling hands, slowly uncurling my feeble fingers. I hugged my arms to my body to cease their nervous shivers.

_Did I seriously-?_

_Yes._

_But I-! Oh no..._

"I- I got to go," I stammered, turning away.

"Friend Raven?" said Starfire. "Raven, wait!"

I briskly strode out of the room, my shoulders hunched over my arms to conceal my hands. I furiously jabbed the elevator button and entered the platform, the doors pulling closed. Starfire beckoned for me to stop, but I pretended to ignore her and I allowed the elevator to shut her out.

* * *

I purposely submitted to my feet. I wasn't paying any attention to where I was going. I only had one intention: to flee. Like a dog who was caught in a crime, I sought for a place to be alone. To hide. A privy location to myself. It was obvious that I would be pursued by Starfire, so I was frantic yet I walked with a dazed faculty of sight.

I knew for a fact that I couldn't escape into my room. That would've been the first place that the Titans would've searched. Through the past weeks, I still didn't know my way around. The building wasn't huge, but it wasn't exactly easy to navigate either. There were so many different passages and elongated hallways and rooms devoted to certain activities that they all got jumbled in my head. My mind was already numb with thoughts as they rattled in my skull. I simply left my feet on auto-pilot. My violet eyes didn't react to the environment until I nearly went blind when I was unexpectedly greeted by the sun after I had scaled a long flight of stairs.

Today, the sky was seamless. It was a vast expanse of atmosphere that blurred in the distance and fused with the tranquil sea. The sun shone brilliantly, alone in the sky overhead, without the presence of clouds to break the rays of light. Even while it was setting, it was effulgent and it splatter-painted the sky with crimson and orange and a stroke of pink. A cool wind stirred the air, wafting a salty fragrance beneath my nose. It stung my nostrils, but I preferred it over the sickening scents of sterilized medical equipment and strong medicine. My nose had detected them numerous times as I had lived in the Infirmary. In fact, nearly all of these external conditions were almost foreign since I had forgotten the last time I had witnessed nature. This experience had been my first, if not for a long time.

_Have I ever witnessed nature?_ I thought to myself.

_I don't know. I don't remember._

_That explains a lot..._

I was at the top of the Titans' Tower. The roof was large and flat, providing a lot of area for recreational activities. I saw a basketball court with two hoops and a launch pad for helicopters, as well as a net to play a friendly game of volleyball. The view around me was incredible. I could see the distant shoreline where the active civilization thrived, and the bowl-shaped bay surrounding the island. My gaze scanned the horizon, fascinated by the urban coastline, until I traced it back towards the sea. I then secluded myself on the edge of the roof, facing away from the city so I could peer into the ocean. I curled my legs into my chest and wrapped my arms around them, my chin resting on my knees. I sighed, comforted by the silence as I hugged myself to keep warm. The wind did chill my exposed skin, even though I wasn't bothered enough to seek shelter.

_I'm alone,_ I told myself, feeling grateful. _No Titans. No drama. Just me._

_It's always just me._

But my thankfulness lasted momentarily.

I twisted around, sensing a presence about a second before Beast Boy burst through the door. He staggered onto the roof, his eyes frantically scanning the area as he panted wildly like an exasperated dog. It was obvious that the green changeling had scaled the stairs at a record pace because he was desperate to search for me.

_I guess they were really worried,_ I thought as I turned away, facing the ocean.

_So they must care about you, then!_

_Probably not,_ I answered mentally in return.

_They finally give me privacy, but they don't trust me to be alone?_

_The Titans are pretty strict about certain things, especially when it comes to me._

_Hopefully he goes away..._

He did no such thing.

"Raven?"

At first, I didn't answer. I ignored him, just as I had done to Starfire earlier, but it didn't have the same effect of success.

"Raven, what are you-?"

"I came up here to be alone," I explained stiffly, emitting a defeated sigh.

"Are you okay?" Beast Boy asked cautiously. "Everyone was worried."

"Fine."

I heard the green changeling take a few steps forward, but he hesitated to contact me.

"Is something bothering you?"

"You are."

"Well, _besides_ me?"

"I just wanted to get away," I answered tiredly, my sullen pupils leering at the evading sun with disappointment. "I doubt any of you want to be near me anymore."

"That's not true…"

In response, I grunted, wanting to end the conversation.

Beast Boy plopped down beside me without questioning my approval. His legs were dangling dangerously over the edge and he kicked his feet out of boredom, but the green changeling never showed any sign of cowardice. My sight skipped to the lapping water, to the jagged boulders below, to the hopeful sky; anywhere other than Beast Boy.

"I see that you came for the view."

I shrugged, refusing to reply to his comment.

"I like it here too, you know?" Beast Boy chatted nonchalantly, stirring up the silence. "It's the perfect place to be alone, although I like to sit down there on the boulders. That's my favorite place to be. Nice and quiet…"

"It'd be better if you didn't talk," I retorted, rolling my eyes.

_So much for the gifted silence..._

"You're talking too, aren't you?"

"I wasn't before."

"But you are now, so now we're both ruining the silence."

"You started it," I muttered crossly, however, Beast Boy spoke with a taunting sense of humor, as if pretending to engage in a verbal battle.

"_Did not._"

"Don't argue with me."

"I'm not arguing with you, I swear!"

"And now we're arguing about whether or not we're arguing with each other," I announced with an annoyed tone. "Oh and by the way, we _are._"

Beast Boy genuinely laughed and my cheeks heated with a blush. It was hard to be mad when he chuckled as such. Plus, he made me feel like I had no reason to sulk. After that, Beast Boy allowed a period of silence. A gentle breeze glided along the roof between us, almost highlighting the division we shared. He patiently waited until he spoke again.

"You know, Star told us."

I didn't say anything.

"Look Raven, there's no reason to be upset-"

"Please stop," I whined, but the pea-green boy was relentless.

"Everyone gets mad sometimes. I do too! I was furious weeks ago. It was the maddest I've ever been."

"Well, you don't have these _Emoticlones_ to manage," I shot back. "And I feel angry everyday because of them, so stop trying to sympathize with me. I don't appreciate your pity."

I spat the word like a venomous curse.

"I'm trying to help."

"You're not helping."

Beast Boy took no offense, despite my countless attempts of hurtful remarks to rid of his presence.

"Okay, then how can I help?" Beast Boy asked hopefully.

"I don't need your help."

"Everyone needs help."

I snuck a glance at him, but he didn't seem to notice. He stared longingly into the ocean, his eyes dull and tired, even though we were submersed in a conversation. I mirrored his vision, gazing into the blurring view ahead.

_He IS trying to help,_ I thought sadly.

_We don't need his help..._

"I appreciate it," I started slowly. "But I'm telling you, I'm fine. I just needed time away from everybody. A little break is all."

"Mind if I join you?" asked Beast Boy.

"Well then I technically wouldn't be having a break. There's a reason why I wanted to be alone..."

"And I want to be alone too! It can get crazy down there."

"You're not the one who's stir-crazy," I mumbled. "You guys can leave the Tower whenever you want."

"Yeah, you're right," the green changeling agreed. "But it isn't easy running out the door every five minutes either."

"Why do you and the Titans leave so suddenly anyway?" I asked, becoming curious.

"Usually because there's trouble in the city," Beast Boy responded, gesturing to the distant coastline.

"You mean 'saving' people?"

I remembered how Cyborg mentioned things about this before, but I still couldn't figure out what it is that they do. It had something to do with "protecting" the city and stopping crime, which made no sense.

_They are teenagers after all!_ I thought.

_Very strange ones, indeed._

"Are you guys some sort of adolescent police-force?" I questioned, which provoked a smile from Beast Boy.

"Sorta, I guess. I wouldn't say it's a _job_, but I don't know. It puts our abilities to good use."

"Your shape-shifting?"

"Yup."

"And Cyborg's gadgets?"

"Uh-huh."

"And Starfire is an alien-"

"From Tamaran," Beast Boy confirmed.

"So she uses her powers to help also?"

"We all do," the pea-green boy said with a grin.

"And Robin leads you all to fight…"

"Correct."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

We were both quiet for a moment. Beast Boy turned to me, bringing the conversation to an end.

"Alright, so you really wanna be alone?"

I nodded briskly in confirmation.

"Will you be okay if I leave, then?"

"Yeah," I answered.

"Promise?"

"_Promise?_"

Beast Boy was now looking at me with serious yet stern opals. Our eyes connected briefly, but I had to drop my head. I was starting to feel flustered whenever we looked directly at each other.

"Why must I promise?" I wondered meekly.

"Promise me that you'll be okay," the green changeling said. "Promise that you won't be alone for long. Everyone will be waiting for you, Raven. Please promise that to me."

_I've heard him say something like this before,_ I told myself mentally.

_Not exactly word-for-word, but the meaning is similar._

_To what? What's it similar to?_

_The poem..._

At last, after a hard swallow, I whispered "I promise" to him.

Satisfied, Beast Boy stood up and stretched a bit. He offered a kind smile, his fang tilting upward as his ivy lips curled, before he turned around to leave. As he departed, I found myself smiling into the distance.

"It really is pretty here," I said quietly, almost in disbelief.

I could sense Beast Boy smiling to himself as well.

"I think so too."

* * *

After that, I watched the environment for a while, inspecting the aspects of nature.

_Maybe I should talk to the Titans about leaving the Tower soon,_ I said to myself, admiring the water below. _Wouldn't it be cool to see the city? Even if I were to just step out and dip my feet in the water, I'd be happier than sitting in my room and doing nothing._

My thoughts began to argue with each other.

_They would never let me…_

_Who said that you needed their permission? You don't have to do what they say. They don't own you!_

_No, but that doesn't mean I can do whatever I want here either._

_Then why ARE you here?_

I almost stopped breathing with those words.

_It wasn't a good time,_ I thought. _And I couldn't! I- I just couldn't!_

_What about now?_

_NOW?_

_Yes, how about now?_

The idea was so tempting. I have contemplated it numerous times before, and each time I had stopped myself for logical reasons. After all, I caused a lot of trouble while trying to escape. Even today I had escaped, in a sense. I fled from Starfire because I didn't know how to confront the problem. It was almost like a natural instinct, especially during embarrassment.

_Well it would be nice,_ I admitted. _If I was successful, I mean._

The ocean seemed to sing to me. Its convincing melody of crashing waves and roaring rapids beckoned for my presence, promising a better future.

_What is out there?_ I wondered. _Where would I go anyway? Is there another city like this? Another place for me?_

_It would never work, _another voice warned me.

_Maybe not now, _I replied with consideration.

_Whatever happened to the Titans? The promise?_

_I never made ANY promise,_ I whispered mentally.

I knew what I wanted to do. My plan was not plotted with careful calculations yet, but my heart yearned to act upon my idea. I had told myself that I wouldn't, and I knew that I would regret it, but I had the opportunity. It's right there in front of me, dancing with joy.

_But why?_ the voice asked, hoping to persuade me otherwise.

_You know why,_ I told myself.

_The Titans! What about them?_

_I don't belong here. I've NEVER belonged here._

The regret seemed to conform to my heart. It squeezed the oxygen from my lungs, creating a heavy burden in my chest.

_I don't belong with them. I trouble them. I cause them stress and worry. The Titans shouldn't be caring about me like this. They don't deserve a life with me._

_And you don't deserve a life with them._

It was a mix of pity for them and for me. I didn't like to be here, despite their attempts to provide comfort. I'm restricted and confined; a glorified prisoner with friendly hosts. But they do so much for me, and I can't do anything in return. I have amnesia, or so I think, which explains the confusion. I felt worthless, and yet they treated me as a priority.

_It shouldn't be like this..._

_They have better things to worry about, like their "job" or whatever. Why stay here if this is all that you have to look forward to?_

There was still so much to consider. I was in no condition to begin. However, I was determined to follow through.

One way or another, I had to find a way to escape.

When I discovered the Titans feasting in the Main Ops room, I formulated an excuse to dismiss myself to my bedroom. They all seemed disappointed, especially Beast Boy, even though he refused to look at me as if it would be a crime. He entertained himself by inspecting the tofu burger in his gloved hands, though he showed no interest in his food.

"Are ya sure?" Cyborg said to me. "It wouldn't hurt to have a quick burger before bed."

"We're gonna stay up afterwards too," added Robin, holding a bite of food in his cheek so he could speak.

"Oh yes!" Starfire raved energetically. "You simply must accompany us in the potatoing of the couch!"

"We got tons of movies," Cyborg said, almost tauntingly. "We'll let ya pick!"

"Can't you join us for a bit?" Robin asked, nearly begging for my cooperation. "We'd love to have you hang out with us tonight. Maybe that'll cheer you up."

I declined as politely as I could, though guilt weighed me down.

"Perhaps our friend is right," Starfire admitted, rather sadly. "Raven has had a long day. Rest is much needed at the moment for her."

"You should have something though," Robin told me. "You must be starving."

After persistent encouragement, I was persuaded to take a hamburger for the trip through the Tower. With that, I left them, thanking and bidding them a "good night" so they wouldn't be worried or suspicious. I ate the burger during my trek back, which turned out to be surprisingly delicious. The meat had been marinated for hours with autumn spices so the patty was rich and tender. Each bite was soft and it filled my mouth with a seasoned juice; just the way I liked it. Cyborg even added a messy swirl of fresh ketchup for another factor of taste. By the time I reached my door, I had to lick the spicy grease off my fingers so I could access my room.

I climbed into bed without bothering to change into nighttime garments. I had my black journal with me, so I settled comfortably against the ornate headboard and opened the antique cover. The lonely crimson rose that Beast Boy had presented to me had begun to naturally perish, despite my attempts to elongate its fragile life. It drooped in the glassy vase, its petals withering into crumbs on my nightstand. I felt bad, so I decided to press the flower in my book to preserve what little of the rose remains.

I withdrew the flattened plant, fingering the crumpled, red petals. I almost pitied its existence.

_Would you want anyone messing with your dead body?_ a voice asked.

_Of course not!_ I answered mentally, petrified of such an absurd question.

_Then why did you do that to the rose? It wouldn't want that! The poor thing probably wanted to die in peace._

_You don't know that…_

_Neither do you._

I sighed as I mulled over my thoughts. The rose was placed once again inside the journal, like a delicate bookmark, and I shut it firmly. It slept with me, beneath my arm so I could hug it for protection.

The singular rose and I had a lot more in common than we thought.

And it scared me to think about it.

* * *

**Author's Note: **My goal is to post my next chapter on-time, which would be on next Sunday; does that sound okay? If I'm ever this late again, I'll post the next chapter, even if I didn't finish the one I'm working on. Anyways, thanks for reading! :)


	11. A New Leaf

**Author's Note: **Honestly, I can't tell you how surprised I was to see all of the comments XD You guys make me so happy! I'm just so excited to hear your opinions! Do you guys like it so far? What do you want to see happen? What do you think I'm doing well on? What do you think I could work on? Of course, my story isn't even CLOSE to finished, and I have so much to say! It will be a slow-learning story (I'm sorry, but it is what is is..) but I love to hear your thoughts and theories to what had happened to Raven and Beast Boy! Please comment as much as you'd like :D lol and remember, I'm open for requests, ideas and suggestions :) Also, I felt a little rushed with only two weeks to write a chapter (it sounds weird, I know...) so my next post will be three weeks from now and I hope that's okay. Enjoy the chapter!

**A Previous** **Summary:** As Raven and Starfire continue to train together, Raven is learning more and more about herself. Although she is aware of the danger of her emotions, she tends to forget when she gets really emotional. After many failed attempts to use her powers one day, Raven briefly looses her focus and her stability, scaring both Starfire and herself. She's so upset that she flees to an unlikely place to recover from the incident: the roof of Titans' Tower. It takes a while, but eventually, Beast Boy finds her there. He manages to make her feel better by engaging in a small conversation, convincing Raven to continue her work in hopes to revive from the amnesia. However, the incident deeply impacted Raven; it only seemed to remind her of how big of a burden she is to the Titans, as well as how big of a threat she poses to those who are nearby if she can't find control.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 11: _A New Leaf_

The soft knock on my door had attracted my attention. I withdrew my focus and mentally used my powers to open the door by clicking the button beside the door frame. I sat back with satisfaction, proud of my skills, despite my few hours of training.

"Morning, Raven."

Cyborg peeked his head through the door then entered, striding into the room to greet me. I was reclined comfortably on my circular bed, my back against the hood-shaped headboard. My legs were crossed and my nose was buried in a book, my eyes hungrily consuming the words sprawled upon the leaflets. I've woken before the sun had the chance to appear, and I used my free-time to explore the private library in my bedroom. This was the first book that appealed to me, and I recognized it instantly from a few weeks ago. Curiosity inspired me to read a page, but by now, I had completed a third of the book.

"Oh, hey Cyborg," I greeted timidly, glancing up at him before returning to the book in my lap.

"There ya are. We've been wondering what you were doing."

I put down the novel, which I had been intently reading, and used my finger to mark the last page that I was on. It would've been rude to continue reading while Cyborg was speaking. Plus, I get distracted easily.

"Sorry about that," I politely apologized. "I was just in here. Haven't left all morning."

"How come you never came up then? Everyone was looking for ya."

I could only shrug uselessly.

"I don't know. I was just reading something. I guess I lost track of time."

Cyborg genuinely chuckled.

"That's cool," he said, squinting at the novel in my hands. "Whatcha reading?"

"The Book of Azar that you had shown me," I replied, presenting the weathered tome so the mechanical man could inspect the cover. "It's very interesting."

"What's it 'bout?"

"Spells and magic lore," I answered, turning over the sheaves of paper in my hands. "I really like it so far."

"I'm sure you do," Cyborg said with a friendly smile.

"To be honest, I didn't believe you guys at first," I went on, gesturing to the yellowing pages. "I mean, it sounded so...unreal."

"Unreal, huh?"

"Yeah, but it's an interesting thing to read about, no doubt."

"And there's plenty more where that came from," said Cyborg, his eyes flicking to the towering shelves and the books that occupied them. "Well, I came by to check up on you. And Star wanted you to see her later. I heard she had another lesson for ya."

"Okay," I replied, returning to the ancient text. "Thanks, Cyborg."

"And ya know, you're more than welcome to explore the Tower," Cyborg added meaningfully. "We never got the chance to show ya, but what's ours is yours! Don't be afraid to ask for anything, alright?"

I nodded briefly. Cyborg clapped his hands together to dismiss the conversation and left my room, most likely traveling back to the Main Ops room.

_Looks like I'm going there too,_ I thought dreadfully.

_I've had enough of this "bonding" with the Titans,_ a voice snarled. _They demand so much from us!_

_They aren't demanding that I play with them,_ I argued reasonable. _They're just trying to be nice. That's all. And I'm not saying that I want to "bond" with them either._

_You should still go and see them. It is the polite thing to do._

_I wonder if Beast Boy will be there,_ another voice said in consideration.

_I had the same thought as well._

After I left my bedroom, I visited the bathroom on my floor level so I could clean myself. I was due for a quick rinse anyway. Numerous handfuls of lukewarm water was shoveled and splashed into my face, washing away the accumulation of filth. I scrubbed my skin with soap, digging into my facial pores so I could remove the sweat and grime. When I stood and faced the mirror, mopping my face with a dry towel, I winced upon seeing my hair.

In the past few weeks, my purple-tinted coiffure had increased in length. It draped past my shoulders, cut unevenly with frayed tips that licked my back. I loathed my current hairstyle. Long hair simply didn't compliment my demeanor. I had no idea how Starfire could keep her haircut so pretty and clean. Mine was already tangled again and knotted into unattractive clumps.

_I hate long hair,_ I told myself grouchily. _It makes me look so...weird and awkward. It's too girly._

_It suits Starfire, but not me._

_That needs to be fixed._

In the tall dresser in the bathroom, I dug through the drawers of supplies. I found all sorts of beauty products and equipment, like bottles of conditioners, tweezers, mascara, and sweet-smelling perfume, but I stopped searching when I came across a pair of scissors. Initially, I was looking for a brush to comb out my hair, and I was dreading to use it. Untangling hair isn't exactly fun to do. My gaze flicked back to the mirror, inspecting my coiffure before returning to the tool. I hesitated to retrieve them, knowing that I could make a mistake and worsen my situation.

_Is it worth the risk?_ I asked myself.

_I think it is,_ a voice answered encouragingly. _Give it a try!_

_Just a little trim. It wouldn't hurt, right?_

_Or you could shave it all off,_ another voice snorted in humor.

_You look beautiful either way._

I gripped the scissors tightly, calculating the possibilities and weighing the risks. I needed to be perfect and I couldn't miss even a lock of hair; it would ruin my entire hairstyle. Growing impatient, I neatly divided and parted my hair on either side of my face, arranging its position for an easier process. Then, with delicate precision, I used the scissor blades to slice my hair.

Tuffs of purple follicles rained from my head and tickled my toes on the cold, tiled flooring. I clipped my hair for what seemed like a lifetime, cutting only an inch at a time to prevent problems. I fumbled a few times, my hands trembling nervously, but I was determined to continue. After chopping off a few strands of hair, I couldn't stop working. I need to finish, or else my hair would never improve.

Once the scissors were laid down, I chose a comb and raked it through my head, evading any impurities that would ruin my hair's glossy appearance. I then stood back and marveled at my reflection, turning my face for a better view. It was short and it cropped near my slender neck, especially behind my skull, but it highlighted my facial features. I also made sure that it was properly angled so it became shorter near the back of my neck and longer near my face, like a pixie cut. The longer strands of hair naturally framed my cheeks, and its hue enhanced the luminosity of my amethyst eyes. The end result had provoked a relieved laugh from me.

_I love it!_ a voice squealed.

_You look amazing. Good job!_

_Your haircut turned out perfect. It really suits you!_

I grinned and the pale-skinned girl in the mirror with styled hair smiled back. With that, I left the bathroom, walking with a confident mien towards the other Titans.

* * *

When I arrived at the Main Ops room, everyone gazed at me with astonished eyes. I instantly blushed, my euphoria of confidence dimming as I was centered in the limelight. It was still difficult to cope with attention, especially when my physical aura was involved. I suddenly felt very self-conscious, even though I didn't receive any negative criticism or insults.

"Raven?" Starfire asked, almost unsure.

The tangerine girl flew over to me, her hand raising to contact my hair, but she stopped yourself.

"You- you have…" she trailed off, fumbling with her words.

"Woah, Raven!" Cyborg exclaimed, hurrying towards me. "You got a new haircut!"

"Yeah, I did it myself."

"You look beautiful, Friend Raven," said Starfire, holding her cupped hands to her heart.

"I like it," Cyborg added with a wink. "A nice little change."

"So what made you do that?" Robin inquired curiously, joining the group that surrounded me.

"Huh? Oh. Well, like Cyborg said, I wanted a little change. I hated my hair so that's why I cut it."

"Doesn't it look exactly like…?"

Robin was looking at Cyborg as he gestured to my hair. He wore a pleased grin, obviously surprised yet overjoyed to see that I've done.

"Yeah, I saw that too!" Cyborg enthused. "Isn't that something?"

Robin chuckled, facing me again.

"It's amazing," the masked Titan said at last.

Behind the conversing Titans, the green changeling sat alone on the crescent-shaped couch. He peered over the edge of his cushioned seat, his gaze never meeting mine yet never fleeing. His emerald eyes were so wide with awe that I could see an entire universe within his innocent, dilated pupils. Seeing Beast Boy utterly appalled almost worried me.

_Does he hate it?_ I thought, paranoid about my decision to change my hairstyle. _What if I made a mistake to cut it?_

_Why should you care? If you like it, then forget what other people think._

_I just want people to like me,_ whimpered a meek voice. _Is Beast Boy upset about it? Did we do something wrong?_

_I hope not…_

I flicked up an eyebrow at him quizzically, questioning his thoughts. Beast Boy offered a weak smile, only the corner of his mouth lifting before he dropped his leering eyesight. He seemed hurt as he tried to smile. I could almost sense his mental distress, as if he was reminded of something that had occurred in the past.

_I'm so sorry,_ _Beast Boy,_ I thought mournfully. _I'm so sorry for everything. It's like everything I do only upsets him. He does so much for me and I don't have the heart to thank him for it..._

_What can I do?_ asked a voice within my mind. _How could I ever appeal to him or the Titans when I'm just a burden for them to carry?_

_If I'm such a burden, why should I stay?_

Beast Boy lifted his head slightly, pondering for a moment, as if he was waiting for something to happen. Robin then interrupted me.

"So Star has another lesson for you, Raven."

I jerked my head back to the leader of the Titans, nodding in understand.

"Oh okay," I said hurriedly. "Yeah, Cyborg mentioned that earlier."

"I am positive that you shall enjoy the next session of training," Starfire told me happily. "And to be honest, I am excited to begin!"

"I think she's gonna like this one too," said Cyborg eagerly.

"Perhaps we should have the breakfast before we depart!" suggested the alien.

"Couldn't have said it better myself," Robin chuckled.

Cyborg had prepared a special breakfast feast of french toast, scrambled eggs and iced tea to drink. He explained that he had cooked for hours at dawn so the food would be ready as everyone awoke, I didn't show up in the Main Ops room for breakfast like everyone else. The Titans explained that they didn't want to bother me and they all assumed that I would arrive soon enough. They refused to begin without my company.

Of course I was flattered by their kindness, but it produced a weight of guilt within my chest. This whole time I was dreading to depart from my room and greet the Titans for the day. I wanted to avoid them and solitude only thrived within the walls of my bedroom. And yet they were patiently waiting for me to join them for the familial meal. Not wanting to hurt their feelings, I apologized as politely as I could and I timidly ate like a bird at the table. However, I never attempted to speak unless provoked for a response.

_Remember the plan,_ I chanted to myself. _Distance. Keep your distance. Refrain from "bonding" but don't make them suspicious. Suspicion is the last thing I need._

After I had meekly dined on some buttered toast and a brewed beverage of herbal tea, Starfire and I traveled to the gym together to start the training session. The tangerine alien informed me that today wouldn't be easy. She planned on reviewing the previous lessons, teaching new skills and techniques, and then testing my enhanced abilities, all in one day. That is, as she had explained, if I gave her my permission. Although I would've preferred to be isolated in my bedroom as I read my Book of Azar, I gave her my consent anyway.

_It will only be beneficial,_ I told myself.

_It better be,_ an aggravated voice threatened.

As a typical routine, Starfire and I both adopted the lotus position and we meditated for a while. Together, we droned my mythical mantra in a hushed, stable tone until I declared that I was prepared. Starfire explained to me that meditating was the practice of containing yet relieving my emotions, a vital activity, so it's important that I meditate everyday. By balancing the expressment of my emotions, I'll be able to summon my power more easily, especially if I speak my mantra to connect to my abilities. At times, the only way the access my power was to use my incantation, although Starfire warned me that I can't rely on it every time. I may not always be successful if it is often used as such.

We spent about an hour reviewing what I had previously learned: astral projection. Starfire had me demonstrate my abilities and I effectively performed them until Starfire deemed them flawless. Although I struggled a bit on the concentration for mental creation, my dark energy never failed to be used. Starfire announced the next lesson as soon as she was satisfied with my skills.

"Flying?" I asked her, utterly bewildered.

"Yes, but the more precise term would be _levitation_."

"Wait, so I can fly? Are you serious?"

"Of course!" Starfire exclaimed, laughing at my shocked expression. "Why do you ask?"

"I didn't know I could do that! That's insane!"

After all this time, I couldn't believe that I could experience flight. I've seen Starfire soar about the Tower everyday. In fact, she preferred to fly rather than walk to her destinations. Honestly, I was quite jealous of such an ability. Traveling seemed faster and more entertaining, and I felt excluded whenever Starfire glided down a hallway beside me.

_This is going to be good…_

"So how?" I begged her. "How can I fly? What should I do?"

"Concentrate," Starfire instructed slowly. "You must feel the will of flight. Fuel your energy with your emotions, but first you must focus."

Obeying her advice, I whispered my incantation, applying my focus to my newfound power. However, without warning, my feet were no longer contacting the floor and I launched into the air, swaying erratically as if I was in zero-gravity. Starfire couldn't contain a laugh as I tumbled around without proper direction. I flapped my arms frantically, trying to stabilize my balance in flight, but it only seemed to make it worse. Flying wasn't as easy as I thought it would be, especially after witnessing Starfire fly effortlessly throughout the building.

"Friend Raven…" she giggled.

"Starfire!"

"You seem to be in distress," she taunted playfully.

"Help me, Starfire!" I cried. "Please, I'm-!"

Immediately, the orange-skinned girl glided over and offered me her hands, which I latched onto for support. It took a moment for me to remember how to cease the levitation and I landed unsteadily on my feet.

"Thanks," I panted. "And stop laughing!"

"You are okay?" she asked me, barely suppressing a pleased smile. "I believe that you had been doing well. Why did you want to stop?"

"Because I was going to puke if I kept flipping like that!" I exploded.

Starfire laughed gleefully, although my frustration had been legit. I sighed, blushing from the embarrassment of failure.

"I'm okay," I admitted at last. "I was just worried that I would do something wrong and get myself hurt."

"That is understandable," said the tangerine girl. "But you should not be afraid; I am very impressed! Would you like to try once more? I can offer assistance if you prefer."

I did try again, but I made sure that Starfire was prepared to catch me if I were to lose concentration and fall. This time, being aware of the situation, my flight was more steady and I only teetered slightly due to an awkward balance. Starfire supported me as I moved forwards and backwards, adjusting to the movements and learning a more stable control. It wasn't long before I was flying around the room on my own.

Although I haven't quite mastered flight, Starfire suggested that we levitate off the floor as we meditate to conclude our training session. It was difficult to focus on both tasks at the same time, but the green-eyed alien assured me that my mental concentration would improve soon enough. Starfire bobbed slightly beside me while I remained still as I levitated, my posture firm yet relaxed. It was during this period of silence that a siren went off.

I plummeted to the ground, mid-sentence of my incantation, and I landed hard on my rear. The pulsing alarm induced an episode of anxiety, which impacted my focus. I flinched upon contact, startled by the interruption. The green gem on Starfire's cropped, metallic collar was flashing, signaling a siren to attract attention.

The tangerine girl glanced down and whispered, "Trouble."

* * *

Starfire flew down the hallway with great speed while I ran behind her, knowing that I would be faster using my feet rather than flying. When we entered, the Titans were gathered around a computer across the Main Ops room. Robin sat at the keyboard, furiously tapping numerous combinations of buttons. A screen was projected onto the large window pane, displaying a map with a flashing red icon, detecting a destination. Cyborg and Beast Boy were huddled behind Robin, trying to decipher the problem. When we entered, the mechanical man turned around to greet us.

"You got the message too, huh?" he said.

"How could I not?" replied Starfire, her green-sclera eyes digesting the illuminated map.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Nobody dared to speak.

The map zoomed in on the icon that signaled an alert. The destination was defined by labeled roads and buildings, which I assumed had to be a location in the nearby urban city. Coordinates and updates popped onto the screen, providing information that I couldn't understand.

"Who is it?" Beast Boy wondered.

"It doesn't say," Robin said. "But the alarm went off. Something's happening and I don't know if it's crime or-?"

The Titans grew silent, waiting for their leader to continue. I quietly studied the map, attempting to interpret its meaning and purpose.

_Why would they have a layout of the city anyway?_ I thought.

_They mentioned crime and fighting and something about using their abilities to help, right?_ another mental voice added.

_Is this really their job, then?_

Robin was thinking hard as he leaned on his hands, pondering his dilemma. He sighed, shaking his head in defeat. The masked leader stood up from his chair.

"Let's go."

"_Go?_" Beast Boy demanded.

"We are to leave?" asked a confused Starfire.

"Wait," Cyborg interjected. "What about-?"

"Raven..." Beast Boy finished.

Everyone was staring at Robin with furious, bewildered, and perplexed facial expressions. I was utterly petrified.

"We have to go now," Robin insisted, addressing the group in a stern voice. "We can't delay this mission."

"Who's going to stay here with her, then?" the green-skinned boy asked. "Should I do it this time or-?"

"No, Beast Boy."

"What?"

"We're going to need the whole team on this one."

"The _whole_ team?"

"As many people as possible," Robin clarified, growing inpatient.

"Why can't you ask any of the other Titans?" argued an agitated Beast Boy.

"There's no time. Cyborg, get the T-car ready. We have to go now. Go!"

"Got it," the mechanical man answered obediently.

"Cy! Help me out here!" Beast Boy whined in annoyance.

"She'll be fine, BB," Cyborg said. "Lay off a bit, will ya? Robin knows what he's doing."

Cyborg then hustled out of the room to complete Robin's urgent command. To my surprise, Beast Boy was still persistent about their absences, even though I wasn't complaining at all. I didn't dare to interrupt, though.

_It's not like I'm going to do anything wrong,_ I ranted.

_Well, you COULD use this opportunity to escape like you had been planning all along..._

I knew that even if I was left alone in the Tower, escaping was not an option. As easy as it was, there is still flaws to be seen. I needed a better opportunity, and my idea required more components to be fulfilled before being activated. I was nowhere ready to leave and I would need hours of preparation before I'm able to depart.

_Where are they going in such a hurry anyway?_ I asked, ignoring the mental responses that I received.

"Robin..." Beast Boy started.

"It'll have to do," said the masked boy. "We don't have anything else to work with."

"She can't be alone! There's too much risk!"

"We can't do this mission without you. Everyone needs to go."

"What if this is a set-up?" Beast Boy shouted, his voice demanding an answer. "What if this is what Slade wants: for us to leave Raven _alone._ For all we know, Slade could BE the reason why we're leaving her! We can't be stupid like this!"

"The Tower will be on Lockdown," Robin promised him. "Now go! C'mon Beast Boy, we don't have much time."

"This is stupid," Beast Boy muttered glumly. "This is STUPID."

Robin quickly ushered him away, motivating him to increase his speed. Beast Boy groaned as he jogged off with Starfire soaring behind him. She glanced over her shoulder at me, offered a weak smile, and launched forward to chase after the green changeling, who was jogging with little enthusiasm. Robin stayed with me for a little longer to update the situation.

"We need you to hang out here until we come back," the masked leader informed me. "The Tower will be locked up for safety. Just stay here and do whatever in the meantime."

"Where are you guys going?" I inquired.

"Don't worry. It won't be long, I promise. It's only a little emergency."

_Little?_

_Still an emergency..._

"Okay. I'll be fine."

"I know you'll be," Robin said with an assuring smirk.

He looked behind him and then started to walk away, his voice raising as distance increased.

"Stay inside and occupy yourself. There's food in the fridge and the TV is all yours. Feel free to do whatever and call us if something goes wrong. The computer over there can reach us anytime."

"Okay!"

"We'll be back as soon as we're done!"

"Sure!" I called back.

"We trust you, Raven," Robin said, his voice softer. "Stay safe!"

And with that, the masked leader of the Titans took off into a sprint down the main hallway, the door sealing shut behind him.

I was now alone in Titans Tower.

_Finally!_ a voice exclaimed in relief. _Those freaks gave us the opportunity we needed; now's my chance to escape!_

_Escape?_ I emphasized in disbelief. _Didn't you hear? The Tower's on Lockdown. Nothing's coming in or out of this place._

_You won't even try?_

_Why bother?_ I mentally snorted. _It's useless anyway! I won't make it far._

_But a head-start could mean everything..._

_Or nothing._

_Why must you be hopeless, Raven?_ the voice snarled at me.

I hesitated to reply. My thoughts used my name, as if another person was speaking to me mentally. However, these were just my subconscious thoughts. That wasn't a normal impulse.

_I must be crazy,_ I told myself.

_Probably._

_Yeah, I think so!_

_It is most likely..._

_Aren't we all?_

_WE?_

"I had enough of thinking for today," I announced, completely unaware that I was speaking to myself.

_Well that was weird._

_Yeah, it kind of was…_

"Stop!" I shouted, my hands covering my ears. "I said stop thinking! Stop it!"

_She started it._

_Did not!_

_Please, do not argue!_

_I'm scared…_

"Okay," I told myself, trying to calm my anxious pulse. "Okay, don't panic._ Don't_ panic. It's okay. You're fine. The Titans said that'll be back soon. Just relax…"

I took a deep breathe, releasing a quivering sigh. Although my thoughts have typically been abstract, there seemed to be a difference when compared to other instances. I have never called myself by my own name, especially by my subconscious. Not to mention I started to notice the different sides of my personality and how they always conflicted. It was like a mental argument, but I was revolting against my own being's diatribe.

_Maybe this must've been what Starfire had been talking about,_ I thought. _These thoughts must be connected to my emotions somehow. It must include these Emoticlones as well._

_But...how?_

I could only shake my head. I was too dumbfounded to make sense of my ideas. Even my thoughts seemed shrouded and illogical.

_I should just do what Robin told me earlier; I need to find something to do. Something to occupy myself..._

_So, now what?_

I wasn't in any mood to eat, or to practice my abilities without Starfire's guidance. And obviously, I had no intention to escape. At least, not at the moment.

_What about those books in your room?_ asked a hopeful voice.

My eyes were instantly ignited with an eager illumination, sparked by my imagination. Without any consideration, I darted out of the Main Ops room and I sprinted all the way to my bedroom, securing the door behind me.

* * *

I heard a several timid knocks on a paneled door and I snapped awake, momentarily dazed. Puddles of wax formed beneath the display of candles that I had structured for light, suggesting the passing of a large amount of time without my notice. I was sprawled on the floor, surrounded by an array of mystical novels, ancient tomes, and disintegrating scrolls. My Book of Azar was only inches from my arm. Each book broke open and was laid awkwardly with withering leaflets of writing from another era. Among them were various talismans and charms, including ingredients to perform sorcery. One of which that had been used recently was a bubbled flask. The glass container had been tipped onto its side, spilling a powdered heap of grey dust beside my head. I sneezed loudly, expelling a cloud of fine particles into the air. The flurries danced around my head like a blizzard of ashes from a haunting blaze. As I coughed to clear my throat, I stood up and made my way across the room, drunk with slumber.

I had a hard time recounting what had happened. It felt like I had slept for ages, which was unnatural. I wasn't tired all day. In fact, after the Titans left, I became anxious, desperate for an activity to distract myself.

_All that I remember is running to my room, withdrawing book after book of spells, and I think I tried to do one of them,_ I thought slowly.

_That would explain the mess,_ a voice concluded.

_Yeah, that makes sense._

_What spell did you do?_

_It had something to do with powder…_

_The flask?_

_Yeah! I think I tried to enchant it, and I by mistake breathed it in._

_Well done,_ quipped a sarcastic voice.

I summoned the door to slid away, and I reeled when I saw the masked leader of the Titans standing before my bedroom.

"You're back already?" I asked, my grogginess causing me to forget my manners.

"Yeah!" laughed Robin. "We just got back. I told you we wouldn't be gone that long."

"I know, but still. It only seemed like a few minutes."

"A few hours, actually," Robin admitted. "We would've been home sooner but...something else came up. Sorry about that. We tried to call you and-"

"No, it's fine," I said quickly. "I understand."

"Did you get anything done?"

"A little," I admitted, glancing back at the mess I had created. "I learned some new things though."

"That's good," said Robin with a pleased smile. "Well, sorry if I was bothering you. I just came by to check if everything was okay."

"Yeah, I mean, I kept myself busy."

"So, what did you do while we were gone?" asked Robin, gazing around me to peer into my room.

"Well, I was reading and I tried to do the spells in the books but I guess I fell asleep. I don't know what-!"

Once again, I sneezed into my arm, wiping my irritated nostrils.

"Sorry. I kind of breathed in this powder earlier…"

"Oh, you mean that sleeping stuff you have?"

Robin chuckled at my shocked reaction. He seemed amused that I was unaware of what I had done.

"I think you put yourself to sleep on accident," Robin said with a smirk. "I remember you using that powder when Cyborg ran out of sedatives. It's like this magic-sorta thing, I'm sure. You probably enchanted it long ago and spilled it on yourself or something."

_Well that explains just about everything…_

I couldn't help but meekly laugh along with Robin.

_Now that he mentioned it, that is most likely what had happened._

_Mystery solved!_

_What a waste of alone-time,_ spat a harsh voice.

"Well, at least I got a good sleep," I joked.

"I'm glad you did," said Robin. "Alright. Everyone's headed to bed for the night. We're all kinda tired. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay. Good night."

The door slid closed between us, forming the barrier of isolation that provided the solitude of which I yearned. I lumbered over to my circular bed and plopped down on the sheets that cloaked the plush mattress. My hand went to my forehead, the origin of my headaches.

_I've coped with it for so long,_ I mentally told myself. H_ow much longer will it be like this?_

_Forever,_ a somber voice replied.

_That can't be true._

_But it is._

_I don't believe you,_ I protested.

_But you believe yourself, don't you?_

I knew that I wasn't talking to myself anymore. My own thoughts were now directed to myself, as if my subconscious was an individual entity. More accurately, composed of a group of individual entities. I've noticed it but never had the intention to question it's oddity. Starfire talked about it with me. She mentioned my Emoticlones and taught ways to suppress the emotions they create, but they should not interfere with my thoughts, or so I think. I had no idea if anyone else experiences the same problems. No one else seems to struggle with the existence of Emoticlones within their mind.

And deep down, something told me that they don't.

_I don't know what to believe anymore,_ I whispered bitterly.

Annoyed with myself, I neatly folded my legs together on my bed and prepared to meditate. I levitated off the mattress, combining the concentration of my flight and the focus of easing my emotions. I cooed my mantra, chanting it until my headache almost entirely subsided. My poignant feelings seemed more stable afterwards, and my thoughts dimmed in activity.

Although I had napped for hours, I still contained a sense of grogginess. There wasn't much else to do throughout the night anyway. With that, I slipped beneath a canopy of blankets and I willed myself to sleep, praying for a better day when I wake up once more.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Well there ya go! Hope you guys liked it! I'll see you in a few weeks! :)


	12. A Race to Remember

**Author's Note: **Alright! Here ya go, just as promised :) Thank you so much for everyone's patience and continued support for my fanfic. I went on a college visit last weekend and I'll be taking the ACT again so I needed the extra time to write. However, it did run short so my next post won't be until another 3 weeks again but I promise not to make this a regular thing. Anyways, thanks again, guys and happy reading!

**A Previous Summary: **Although Raven's amnesia is persistent, she still shows signs of her old self. She fails to realize it, even though the other Titans understand. After being suddenly inspired to cut her hair, Raven has another training lesson with Starfire to learn levitation. Raven is quick to learn but their session is interrupted when the Titans' alarm goes off and they are forced to leave her, much to Beast Boy's disapproval. The Titans had their doubts, well-aware that Raven has considered escaping numerous times before and by leaving her, it could be a huge mistake. But by giving her trust, Raven returned the favor as well, surprising not only the Titans but herself too. However, Raven knows what she had done and wonders if she'll ever regret it, especially since a voice in her head already regrets her decision.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 12: _A Race to Remember_

I jolted awake, throwing myself into an upright position upon instinct. My expression was stricken with horror. Amethyst eyes darted through the vast sheets of obscurity. I panted excessively, each gulp of air scarring my throat. My anxiety simply increased the rhythm of my worried heart to a dangerous tempo. I possessed the symptoms of a panic attack, and yet I couldn't diagnose the reason of my physical reaction. I then started to slowly remember.

_A dream,_ I assured myself. _It was just a dream._

I anxiously waited until I could calm down. I chanted my mantra in a meek tone, finding relief as I distracted myself with another activity that required focus. Once I regulated my breathing pattern, I immediately recounted my dream, even though most had vanished from my memory.

There was a different sort of setting than my last nightmare. I couldn't identify the exact origin, but I knew similar destinations. I was standing on the roof of a building, much alike Titans Tower, but I was not positive of my location; the surrounding area had been consumed by a black and ominous cloud of festering ash. My ears were clogged with the music of a blaze. An invisible fire crackled as it fed on the building around me. I could imagine the flames dancing with joy as they feasted, but none were to be seen. Light was scarce, yet heat radiated from the roaring fire. I was slick with sweat and ash stuck to my moist skin like a toxic glue. I could practically feel the sadistic flames licking the back of my neck. I spun around, thinking I would see the blaze that was in a dangerous proximity, but it always managed to evade my detection. It would only linger in my peripheral vision, no matter which way I turned.

For a while, I thought that I was alone. I kept gazing around me, hoping to discover the source of the fire and where the flames dared to dwell so near. Breathing heavily through the burning fumes, I looked directly across from me, staring off into the distance. The smoke continually swirled within the air, almost as if alive. It's utter beauty had me mesmerized, studying how it breathed and reacted to the environment. And then a figure emerged from the shadows.

I recognized the individual immediately.

"Raven!"

I didn't react when I was summoned, even though it came from behind me. The voice was pained, withdrawn from a raw throat that had previously screamed my name numerous times. I only stared ahead at the approaching figure as the cloud of ash began to subside, revealing the physical characteristics that I was petrified to witness.

"Don't do this, Raven! No!"

Fists were pounding against something now, like a wall made of steel. It echoed around me, but I didn't turn around. Two pairs of demonic eyes were advancing steadily, carefully watching my every move. I was a statue made of stone, nearly forgetting to breathe.

"Raven, please! Raven!"

The man in a metallic suit of armor was now only a few footsteps away. I couldn't look anywhere else but his eyes, the four of them illuminated in a crimson light. He raised a hand gloved in metal and reached for me, his fingers curled like claws. His thumb was just about to contact the center of my forehead, where my chakra was located, when the voice behind me screeched once more.

"RAVEN, NOOOO!"

And that's when I woke up.

I sat in the stillness of my dimly-lit bedroom for ages. I couldn't decipher the meaning of my nocturnal visions, except that the man approaching me had been in my dreams before. Those red eyes, that steel armor; I've seen them, but there seemed to be no correlation that would explain why I envisioned them.

_And I couldn't wake up,_ I told myself. _I thought it was real. I thought that I couldn't do anything about it. I just stood there, waiting._

_Waiting for what?_ a voice asked.

_Him,_ I said. _I was waiting for him. I didn't know what he was going to do, but I couldn't move. I couldn't resist. I just...waited._

Inspiration blossomed within my anxious mind. I pulled out my black journal, which had been neatly tucked away under my arm as I normally did before I went to sleep. Using the pencil on my nightstand, I wrote on the delicate pages, basking in the pearl beams of moonlight. Just like last time, I jotted down information of my dream in numerical order, rereading my writing to be sure I didn't forget an important aspect. Then, I labeled the page with a clever title, in case I wanted to study my journal and reference my dream in the future.

Rooftop Fire.

I did the same with my previous nightmare.

A Living Cadaver.

I shut my journal firmly and buried it with me under the sheets. I burrowed deeply into my pillows, hugging the book for comfort like a child cuddling a doll, but I didn't fall back asleep as I had hoped. I could no longer find solstice in slumber. At least, not after my third nightmare.

* * *

My dreams occurred almost periodically throughout the rest of the week. Each night, I was startled into consciousness around the same time, and later I proceeded to grope for my journal in the dark. I lacked a good rest, but I became more and more fearful to sleep again. Often, I simply imagined past dreams with only slight differences. There was more smoke on the roof to restrain my vision; the four eyes of the Man of Metal shone brighter than I could recall; the voice behind the barrier screamed loud enough to awaken me. However, there was one occasion, by the end of the week, when I encountered a new dream.

I called it The Burning Birthmark because in my dream, I stood unmoving in an unlit room. The only light came from the two pairs of eyes across from me, evading the shadows, and the bright illumination protruding from my head, above my strained eyes. My chakra seemed to be melting into my skin, as if an ember from an ailing fire was being pressed into my forehead. I wailed in misery, unable to cease the pain. It simmered on my pale flesh, smoke arising from the puncture wound. It took an eternity for me to wake up, and afterwards, I was so paranoid about my chakra that I sprinted to the bathroom, dousing my face with scoops of water. I didn't stop inspecting the framed gem in the mirror until Starfire gently knocked, asking for permission to use the toilet. Even now, I can still sense the pain on my chakra, even when I'm aware that nothing is to blame for the horrid feeling.

Each dream was vivid in pigment, expressive with sound, and realistic with belief. Their familiarity, like a distant memory, caused confusion. They weren't entirely surreal, but I wasn't quick to assume the logical explanation either.

_How could something like that happen?_ I asked myself. _Did I ever stand on a burning roof? Was I ever confronted by the Man of Metal? Has my chakra ever burned like that?_

My amnesia stood between me and the answers to my questions.

I refused to alert the Titans of my problems. I knew that their only solution was to prescribe a cocktail of drugs to seduce me to sleep again, and I loathed the idea. It wasn't healthy, and I had enough of that dreaded Infirmary. However, the Titans did notice my peculiar changes. Purple bags hung from my itchy eyes and my skin seemed paler than usual. My irritability was easy to activate, which meant that I had longer meditation sessions with Starfire than I normally would have. It was very hard to conceal my symptoms of sleep deprivation.

When confronted, I simply denied it, claiming that I was ill. I could tell nobody believed me. It was obvious that I lacked sleep, which heavily impacted my character, but they knew that interfering wouldn't be helpful either. They made sure to monitor my condition each day from afar. They didn't want to cause offense, and upsetting me would only make it worse. I was thankful, but at the same time, I was becoming less and less determined to sleep. My bed seemed more like a coffin to me.

Meanwhile, my training with Starfire became more rigorous and intense. It was nothing out of harshness, but more of a passionate determination. The Titans were all proud of me, as they often commented, and they wished for me to continue with Starfire. To begin, the alien provided reviews and reminders to prepare. Then there were teaching sessions, including hours and hours of physical and mental practice before a final test to conclude the subject. Starfire scored my skills by rating my endurance, reflexes, strength, and intelligence, explaining that it would motivate me to improve for a higher grade.

And I did.

My abilities expanded rapidly within the number of days. I nearly mastered all uses of my astral projection and advanced telekinesis, and levitation became a commonly performed skill of mine. I even managed to grasp the basics of teleportation through portals of my dark energy, as well as using my soul-self to pass through solid constructs. However, the main lesson that Starfire isolated for a while had been my empathetic capabilities.

Understanding empathy proved to be difficult since I had to experiment and learn for myself, but it was a rewarding process. It offered explanation for my oddities and abnormal coincidences. Empathy was the reason for many accidents and occurrences.

I trained to detect individual presences within a certain radius, like another sense in addition to the five natural senses. Speaking mentally, reading minds, and other telepathic powers were easier to study because my own thoughts and emotions had to be abolished through meditation every day. This also included identifying physical and mental conditions like stress and pain, concealing or absorbing negative emotions, and even empathetic healing. Starfire offered instructions about each ability, warning me of abusing them. Although empathy can be very resourceful and beneficial, it can be an offensive invasion of privacy as well. If I use my powers incorrectly, I could inflict harm. I knew that going around and breaching minds would be trouble anyway, unless it was necessary.

I couldn't think of such a situation though.

Starfire allowed me to practice on her because empathy required either a victim or a willing subject. She had me guess her emotions and recite her thoughts as if I were reading a novel. I was challenged to summon a blue field of energy to resemble my empathetic healing, even though there was nothing I could heal, but it was a good practice in case of an emergency. I was able to determine whether or not the tangerine girl was lying, and even with closed eyes, I could locate Starfire anywhere within the Tower using only my senses.

However, my success didn't stop there.

Alongside my training, I started to develop a vast, arcane knowledge of magical lore. Whenever I had time to spend freely, I usually confined myself to my bedroom. I was occupied with investigating my supernatural powers and it gradually became an obsession. I could read for hours into the night, even after a long day's work. My determination drove me to consume as much information as I could. There were thick books that discussed dark subjects such as sorcery, necromancy and conjurey. Scrolls gave instructions to construct elaborate rituals for enchantment. Ancient tomes possessed recipes for brewing potions and provided lists of rare ingredients, many of which had names that I didn't recognized or had gone extinct. Fascinated, I could only continue my reading, too interested to stop.

This routine continued for approximately eight days: waking up early from a reoccurring nightmare, eating breakfast with the Titans, training with Starfire all day, and inhaling my supper so I could retreat to my bedroom and repeat the cycle. Towards the end of that elongated week, a surprise event broke my schedule. Normally, after breakfast, Starfire takes me to the Gym to train for several hours. I had finished my toast and my mug of tea, but when I stood to place my dishes in the sink, Starfire stopped me.

"Huh?" I asked her, returning to my seat with puzzlement.

"There has been a change of the plans," Starfire announced, gathering the Titans' attention.

"What do you mean?"

"You have worked long and hard during these few weeks since the training began," said Starfire. "But we are not going to train today."

"There's something else that we'll be doing," Robin added with an eager smile.

"Wait...you're all going to train with me?" I wondered suspiciously.

"Not exactly," Cyborg assured me. "More like a test, or a nice competition."

"Today?" Beast Boy demanded. "Aww, duuuude! Why now? I was going to play a videogame! I've been stuck on this level forever and I was dying to beat it!"

"Raven has not had an opportunity to demonstrate her skills," Starfire said.

"Yeah I have!" I protested. "You said that I was getting good scores. Weren't those the tests that you were talking about?"

"It's like that, but more challenging," Robin told me. "It kinda simulates those situations when you should use your powers and it times you."

"It _times_ me?"

"Wanna have a go?" Cyborg challenged me.

I snuck a glance at Beast Boy, who seemed just as disappointed as I was to receive the news. I could only shrug in reply before I was quickly ushered out of the Main Ops room, following the excited herd of unsupervised teenagers with a trudging Beast Boy bringing up the rear.

* * *

The large area in front of Titans Tower had been cut, cleaned and constructed to provide enough space for training. Instead of exercise equipment, there were numerous obstacles built into the earth that required certain skills to pass them. In order to complete the course, I would need to use everything that I had learned, and I had to be quick since a control booth was there to record my time and progress. It was the ultimate test of my endurance, reflexes, strength and intelligence, and I was petrified to begin. The Titans, excluding a skulking Beast Boy, treated it like a playground, while it seemed more like a trap to me.

"Alright!" Robin announced, clapping his hands together. "Who's going first?"

I shrank beneath the pairs of hopeful eyes that looked to me for a volunteer. Seeing this, Cyborg stepped forward and pumped a fist into the air.

"Hook me up, man! I got this!"

While everyone else migrated towards the control booth to monitor Cyborg, the mechanical man placed a hand on my shoulder, momentarily holding me back.

"Don't worry, Raven. It's not as bad as ya think. Watch me first and you'll see; it's kinda fun too."

Although I doubted it, I nodded so I could be dismissed.

Cyborg stood at the starting line, preparing for the one-man race. He stretched his legs and hopped on the balls of his metal feet, a grin never leaving his face. Robin and Starfire were behind the control booth and they were busy flipping switches and changing the settings to alter the conditions of the obstacle course. Beast Boy and I were lounging on the nearby rocks, dreading for our turn.

"Never was good at this," Beast Boy muttered. "Everyone always got better times than me."

"How do you think I feel compared to you guys?" I asked him, feeling offended. "I've been training for a couple weeks, no more than three! How am I supposed to compete against someone who's trained for years like you?"

"I wouldn't worry about it," he replied. "I've always been bad at this."

"What's going to happen in there?"

"It's different every time," Beast Boy explained. "You never know what to expect. I once tried to just fly over the course as a bat but Robin told me to come down. He said it was like cheating or something."

I laughed at the pea-green boy's story.

"But you were using your powers!" I argued, hardly containing a chuckle.

"That's what I said!" he exclaimed, beginning to laugh himself. "It's so unfair!"

"Do you think if I try to levitate over everything Robin will tell me to come down too?"

"No doubt," Beast Boy replied, but his voice softened immediately. "Just whatever you do, don't get hurt out there. It can get challenging."

"Trust me," I said. "I don't want to go back to the Infirmary either."

The clock above the control booth blinked on, signaling our attention. Robin spoke into the microphone near the equipment.

"You ready, Cy?"

The mechanical man gave a thumbs-up and converted into a starting position. Even from a distance, I could sense the anxious yet eager adrenaline that radiated from Cyborg. Robin counted down from five in a booming voice.

"FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE."

A horn blasted an accented note and the digital clock started to count the precious seconds of time. Without hesitation, Cyborg launched from a powerful stride and took off into a sprint down the track, heading into the course.

Cyborg's first obstacle had been a large open field, seemingly empty. The mechanical man ran in a jagged line, often stopping and changing routes before continuing.

"Minefield," Beast Boy whispered to me. "Cy probably sees them with his eyes."

_Bombs?_ I thought madly. _Actual BOMBS?_

_He can't be serious!_

_I don't think you have a power for that,_ a voice commented rather slyly.

About halfway through the vacant area, droids started to pop up around the perimeter. To my surprise, these barrel-shaped machines began to fire heat-seeking missiles at Cyborg, using red lasers as targets. Some were mere metal bullets, while others were yellow disks, much alike Starfire's green starbolts. Cyborg danced around to avoid collision, and even fired missiles into the air to defeat those that were chasing him.

_Clever,_ said an intellectual voice.

_How am I supposed to get past those?!_

The next obstacle that Cyborg encountered was a series of rectangular, metal arches. As Cyborg drew nearer, they signaled an alarm and began to close up with bullet-proof doors. Cyborg jogged through an opening, quickly ducked through the next, and barely escaped being crushed by another. However, by the last door, Cyborg was locked out. It shut before Cyborg had the opportunity to slip free. He tried to punch through it, but it hardly created a dent.

"Why isn't he just walking around it?" I asked, leaning closer to Beast Boy so no one else could hear.

"He would be penalized," he replied stiffly. "Everyone must pass each obstacle, not _bypass_ it. Plus, those guns up there don't look too friendly."

Cyborg twisted his wrist and aimed it at the top of the metal arch. He fired it like a gun and his hand shot into the air, still connected to his body by a mechanical rope. The dislocated hand found a sturdy position and gripped the arch, digging its fingers into the construction. After a tug to ensure it's stability, the mechanical man produced what appeared to be an electrical shock, which traveled through the cord and severely affected the arch. He wound of his hand as the mechanics within the door was severed, allowing the panels to slide away. Cyborg ran through the doorway with ease and headed to the final obstacle at top speed.

A pool of water sat menacingly between Cyborg and the finish line. He skidded to a halt, hesitating to continue his recorded race.

_A guy made of metal like that couldn't survive being in the water,_ I told myself.

_At least, not for long._

The cement lane enveloping the pool was lined with all sorts of machines and weapons, obviously trained on Cyborg if he made a move. Minute beams, like security lasers, intersected everywhere on the area, prepared to activate if affected by an outside activity. The water was quiet yet active, shuddering in the pit due to dropped temperatures. There was no mistaking it: Cyborg would have to swim across in order to complete the course. And sure enough, after a deep breath, Cyborg clumsily dove into the water and disappeared under the generated current.

The water was too murky to define what was happening beneath the shivering waves; I could barely detect the slithering shadow of Cyborg as he swam. Alarms were signaling the machines to fire. Cyborg emerged and gasped for air, trying to paddle away from the automated robots that hunted him with bullets. Many of them took to the air, flying above Cyborg's head to rain offensive acts. His arm breached the surface and suddenly transformed, his hand morphing into a cannon-shaped device. A blue beam that was wrapped in coils of rings was expelled from his limb, inspiring a mortified reaction from me. Cyborg easily destroyed nearly every robot that came his way, until a whole new breed of enemies were animated. Seeing the oncoming attacks, the mechanical man sank once more to avoid being an easy target.

Cyborg was submerged longer than I could've imagined and no one could see what was happening under the water. We all leaned closer in our seats, expecting the mechanical man to arrive. There were frequent bursts of light and missiles streaked across the man-made lake, but Cyborg didn't make an appearance. I could barely sense him and all that I could detect was panic, as if he was frantically struggling to escape. Robin stood up from the control booth, trying to get a better view of the course.

"Where is he?" Beast Boy asked.

"He has not returned," Starfire said bitterly.

"I think he's caught on something," muttered Robin.

At this, everyone jumped to their feet. We all gazed at the pool in horror, imaging the worst scenario. Beast Boy and I exchanged a worried expression, but when we looked back, water sprouted into the air, revealing Cyborg's head.

He hauled himself out of the water, which took a great deal of effort from his depleted source of energy, and yet he sprinted across the finish line. After crossing the checkered line, the clock stopped running, displaying a time of two minutes and thirty-four seconds, becoming a personal record. Cyborg jumped into the air and exclaimed "BOOYAH!" in celebration.

"Glorious!" the alien exclaimed.

"That's how it's done!" Cyborg shouted triumphantly.

The Titans cheered, and even Beast Boy called out to congratulate him, but I was utterly horrified.

"So now that you get the idea, wanna go next?" Robin questioned, twisting around to flash an encouraging smile at me.

I was on the verge of slapping the grin off his face.

"Are you SERIOUS?"

The Titans looked towards me with fear, as if expecting something to happen.

"What do you mean?" the masked boy asked worried.

"Are they trying to kill me?!" I demanded, glaring accusingly at the green changeling. "Is this some kind of sick joke?! I'm not going in there!"

"It's really not that bad!" he pleaded. "And no, it's not like that. It's just a test, remember?"

"And if I fail, I die? I mean, I thought that I might get injured. You know! Maybe a sprained ankle or a pulled muscle, but I didn't know that I could be BLOWN UP BY A MINE or CHASED BY BULLETS!"

"That is not true!" Starfire exclaimed arguably. "The course has been designed for the purpose to train and observe; there is no real danger!"

"Then what about those weapons you put in there! Aren't those real?!"

"Well, yeah!" said Robin. "But Cyborg's setting was high! He was on Level 9 because he's already trained on each one dozens of times. He knew what was to be expected."

"I can't just-!"

"Oh, c'mon, Raven!" Cyborg taunted. "You know you wanna! You're gonna be great out there!"

"I don't even know what to do!" I shrieked, feeling the urge to succumb to a frantic state of panic.

"You'll start out nice and easy on Level 1," Robin assured me. "All you have to do is complete the course. It's not nearly as difficult as Cy's. Only a few traps in there but they're basically harmless too."

"We will not generate the weapons upon your request," the floating alien added.

"Just avoid the dummies in each section and attack if threatened."

"Do I have to?" I whimpered.

"Would it hurt to try?" Beast Boy inquired cautiously.

I looked to each of the Titans, ending with a longing glance at the green changeling. A defeated sigh escaped my lips.

"Where should I start?"

* * *

_This is insane. I can't do this!_ I thought.

_It would be so embarrassing if you failed right in front of them,_ a voice whispered mentally.

_Thanks for the pep-talk…_

_But it's only true!_

"Are you ready, Raven?" asked Robin over the microphone.

"Yeah," I called back nervously, even though I didn't believe it.

_Ready as I'll ever be…_

"Just take your time; there's no need to rush. Pretend that the clock isn't even here."

But I only seemed to be more aware of the clock.

"FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE."

The horn pierced the air with a prolonged sound, causing me to flinch. For a moment, I had almost forgotten what to do and I hesitated to run, as if my thoughts were arguing on which actions should be performed.

_Go!_

_Escape!_

_Wait, don't go!_

_Run?_

_No, stop!_

_What am I doing?_ I told myself furiously. _Just GO!_

The once vacant field imbedded with explosive bombs was now occupied with the existence of dummies. Stuffed, humane figures on poles were plotted randomly, blocking my path. I couldn't fly over the course, as Robin emphasized; I had to go through it. However, I didn't know how to proceed. At last, I decided to walk around the dummies, avoiding a pointless fight. As I started to squeeze past a pair that stood tall like security guards, Robin turned on the microphone.

"Sorry, Raven. That's a one-minute penalty."

"What?!" I shouted, spinning around to face the Titans.

"In a real situation like that, you'd be in danger. That's gonna cost you some time."

I muttered to myself, spitting curses that would greatly offend the unsupervised teenagers if heard.

"Just keep going!" the masked boy encouraged me.

"You must attack, Friend Raven!" Starfire insisted. "Do not fear the use of your abilities!"

Although they were dormant, contacting any of them would result in a penalty of time. I would have to destroy a certain amount in order to clear an area large enough for me to pass through. Only, fighting so many lifeless enemies wasn't exactly easy.

At first, I tried to simply move each dummy to the other side of the field. It proved to be a difficult and tedious task. I was starting to get tired after the fifth dummy had been relocated. Knowing that I was wasting time, I tried another technique. I fired blasts of my dark energy at each stuffed enemy. If my mantra was used, my attack was enough to deem them injured, therefore not a threat. Within the sea of dummies, I condensed my power into a single, solid force. A black beam ripped through the field, slaughtering anything that it contacted. I repeated everything until I freed myself from the mass of dummies, leaving behind a horrible mess.

As I approached the rectangular arches, the doors began to shut and lock themselves out of instinct. I was able to run through the first one, but as I dodged the dummies in the area between the metal doors, I was too late to escape through the second arch. I pounded on the barrier, like what Cyborg had done, but it was no use. I kicked it in frustration, meddling over a plan.

"C'mon, Raven!" Beast Boy hollered in the distance. "You can do it!"

"Let's go, Raven!" Cyborg cheered merrily.

The motivational shouts only seemed to upset me more.

I backed away, summing up my energy, and produced a stream of my power that was aimed at the door. My dark energy slipped off the polished metal, failing to create even a tiny scratch of effect. I barked my mantra and attempted to blast down the door, but nothing seemed to be working. Anger was pricking at the borders of my sanity.

_I must go through it,_ I thought, trying to understand the problem. _I can't go around, beneath, above. Just through. Through..._

Beast Boy's words were chanted in my head, like a hollow echo.

_Pass, not bypass._

_Pass._

_Pass!_

I placed both hands on the door now, my fingers spread apart. I spoke my mantra in a controlled monotone, concentrating on my emotions to evade the increasing anger. At once, my dark energy began to envelope me, as if consuming me, but instead I became the dark energy. My soul-self was transferred onto me, and with that, the pressure I instilled on the door allowed me to phase through the barrier without a problem.

_That counts as passing through it, right?_ I asked mentally, but I didn't wait for an answer.

I did the same trick on the next door, gliding silently through the sheet of metal, but the barriers progressed in difficulty. When I encountered the final arch, my focus slipped just slightly, but it was enough for me to make a mistake. The last door was the thickest out of them all, therefore the hardest to phase through since it required more concentration and strain. The dark energy subsided before I was completely withdrawn from the door and I ended up tripping, abrasions shaving the sensitive skin on my palms and knees. I recovered as quickly as I could, scrambling to my numb feet and slightly limping to the final obstacle.

What had momentarily been a massive body of water had drained into a deep pit. The sides of the walls were lined with numerous devices waiting to be activated. Some were weapons while others were sensors, and a great amount of both were cleverly disguised to be concealed within the environment. There were so many that I had no clue which ones were harmless or dangerous, and I didn't want to find out.

I started to levitate off the ground and I made my way to the edge of the steep construct. When I glanced down, my stomach contorted and I jumped backwards, ceasing my flight. The fall would be deadly from this height, but I couldn't risk sinking lower since the devices at that level would activate upon my presence. I inhaled slowly, trying to ease my fear of failure in front of judging witnesses. I levitated once more and began the trip across the rectangular trench, straining to retain a steady focus and a positive thought-process.

At certain intervals, metal bars were located above the pit. Some were plotted with dummies while others were guarded by weapons that I presumed would fire deadly bullets. I hesitated when I approached the first one, finding it bare. I urged myself to continue, suddenly reminded that the clock was running. But as I flew beneath it, something was triggered and snatched up like a fly in a web.

I struggled within the large net, now dangling over the deep pit. I tried to use my powers, but they only sparked and vanished without a trace. My frustration became apparent, mingling with a constant fear. I had a hard time suppressing my emotions, especially after each vain attempt to free myself. Stress affected me physically and mentally, and I couldn't determine whether I was enraged or depressed or petrified; a mixture of all was being pumped through my veins.

_I can't do it,_ whimpered a meek voice.

_We've gone this far now!_ said another voice. _You can't give up at a time like this!_

_I- I can't…_

_How are we supposed to get out of here?_ asked a mental entity.

_We can't! We're trapped!_

"No," I whispered, fighting against the rope to escape. "No no no no!"

All of the voices in my head began to argue dramatically. Some were merely shouting to be heard, while others were simply shrieking. I was lost within a diatribe, my own thoughts too clouded to form.

_We're stuck in here! We can't get out!_

_Everyone calm down!_

_Shut up, will ya?_

_We can still complete the course…_

_No we can't!_

_Please stop arguing. Please…_

_Why don't we-?_

_That's a terrible idea!_

_Please stop!_

I was too overwhelmed to do anything. I almost forgot that I was being tested in an obstacle course. It was such a simple thing and yet it turned me insane within seconds. Instead of fighting, I hung limply in the trap and started to sob into my balled hands as my head pulsed with pain.

Immediately, an alarm signaled the end of the timed session within the obstacle course, but I didn't stop crying. I heard my name and after a gust of wind, Starfire was hovering beside the net, begging for me to calm down.

"Get me out of here," I wept, my eyes pinched shut. "Get me out! Please!"

Starfire was able to detach the net from the bar and she brought it safely to the ground. I untangled myself from the cage of rope and stood, facing away from the alien who persistently requested for my approval to provide assistance. However, I didn't want the Titans to see my swollen face or an expression of defeat or the stains of dried tears, as well as the fresh ones emerging from my eyes. I did glance up to examine my recorded time but I regretted it immediately.

The clock read eleven minutes and twenty-four seconds.

* * *

For the rest of the day, I didn't dare to utter a word to anyone. Even when provoked a response, I didn't reply. I isolated myself in my bedroom, distracting my emotional mind with scholarly activities such as reading novels from my personal library and writing in my black journal. I often meditated on my bed, easing the argumentative thoughts, though I found little productivity afterwards. I paced throughout my mystical room, pondering over the recent occurrence and relating it to a motif. My mantra was chanted and I practiced my abilities to pass the time as well. I wanted to avoid any contact with anyone until I was stable.

I had frequent visitors outside my door. They never attempted to knock and request permission to enter; they simply stood there, as if listening, before retreating. Their footsteps were silent, but I always detected their presence with my heightened senses. I knew they didn't want to bother me, but there was little trust in me too. Their intention was to make sure that everything was okay and then leave me to be alone. I greatly appreciated and was offended by this.

Eventually, as the sun started to set, someone timidly tapped on the door. Even after I didn't answer, my door slid open, allowing Robin to enter. He passed me a tray of toast and tea, the only meal that would satisfy me after consumption, and sat down in a chair to patiently wait. He carefully watched me nibble at the supper, but I couldn't eat past a few crumbs. My stomach seemed to refuse to eat. When I pushed the metal tray away, Robin spoke up.

"You shouldn't be ashamed of what happened today," he told me. "This was like your first time, right? You'll only improve from here on out."

"That doesn't mean I'm not happy about my performance," I muttered.

"To do well, you have to be ready physically and mentally," Robin explained, offering a sympathetic smile. "Do you think you were ready?"

I only shook my head slowly and Robin nodded in understanding.

"That's why we train almost everyday. That's why we practice and practice so when the time comes in the heat of the moment, we're ready for it. You won't always get the chance to rest or meditate before a big event like that. You'll be better prepared for this next time."

"But I trained with Starfire for weeks, haven't I?" I protested. "Wasn't that enough? I felt like I could've done better…"

"You did seem a little scared at first. I'm not judging, but maybe your worry confused your emotions and you couldn't concentrate enough."

"I didn't even get a chance to meditate before the test," I sighed.

"And then during the race, you-"

"My thoughts went out of control," I answered quickly. "And then I just lost all sense of sanity."

"You were hurt, Raven. You had all the reason to stop. If you hadn't, I would've made you stop. You could've hurt yourself even more."

I looked away sadly, feeling a bit annoyed to discuss the embarrassing event. Robin continued.

"I've been thinking about it," the masked boy announced carefully. "Maybe we could add another session to your training. Instead of basic practice, you could train with me too. I've done martial arts for as long as I could remember. I can teach you what I know so you'll know what to do if your powers don't work."

"What do you want to teach me?"

"Mostly hand-to-hand combat. It's the first form of offense and defense anyway."

"I don't know. Are you sure about this?" I asked him.

"Wanna start tomorrow? Skip a day with Star and we can get started right away. She mentioned how you're improving so a break couldn't hurt."

The masked Titan rose to his feet and gathered my dishes of mostly uneaten food, offering to wash them for me.

"C'mon up tomorrow morning when you're ready," he said as he prepared to exit my bedroom. "And make _sure_ you're ready."

Robin winked at me through his domino mask and the door softly shut behind him. I collapsed onto my back, the mattress shuddering under my weight. My eyes glared at the ceiling with somber yet dangerous violet irises.

"How much longer can I take this?" I challenged aloud.

_Not for long,_ a silky voice replied.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I, personally, love this one :) I hope you guys did too! I'll see ya as soon as I can! Bye!


	13. The Answer is Yes

**Author's Note: **Alright! Another chapter on it's way :) Swimming is ending soon so I should have more time to write. I think I could post the next chapter in 2 weeks! Once again, thank you for sticking with me guys and I hope you're enjoying this as much as I am ^_^ and without further delay, let's get started with another chapter!

**A Previous Summary: **Raven's dreams are starting to become a more frequent problem for her, physically and mentally. Almost every night, Raven experiences a dream that is too surreal to be true and yet she's aware of a significance to her past and possibly her future. Because of these, Raven feels horribly unstable. When the Titans suggest a test through an obstacle course, she already senses the trouble. Sure enough, Raven is forced to stop herself during the test because she is too emotional to continue. These instances only make her more suspicious about everything. In fact, Raven has a hard time finding trust and doesn't want to permit anything unless she is fully-aware of the consequences and conditions. The same goes for any of the Titans, although their relationship has changed since the first day Raven awoke from her week-long coma.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 13: _The Answer is Yes_

I woke up before my alarm, recently aroused by another dream of malice. The sun winked at me over the horizon as it began to rise, but my eyes were unresponsive to the natural illumination. I meditated on my bed for an hour, cleansing my mind of emotions to recompose my calm mien. My persistent thoughts decreased in activity, to my relief, and I was able to easily sustain the balanced stature and monotonic speech that Starfire instructed had me to use. I felt rejuvenated, but it was still too early to enter the Main Ops room for breakfast. Besides, I didn't want to go up there by myself and wait for them; it would've been awkward. To spend the wealthy amount of time I possessed, I decided to go to the bathroom to freshen up.

I stepped into the shower after undressing out of my wrinkled garments and turned the knob to the highest setting. Calescent sheets of water rained upon my body, pleasantly scalding my fragile skin. I inhaled the clouds of steam speckled with mist that festered within the tiled chamber, enjoying the heat therapy as I washed myself. I wasted the water until its temperature began to decrease so I had no choice but to retreat from the shower and bundle myself with a warmed towel.

I donned a pair of black, athletic pants and a t-shirt, my typical outfit, which varied majorly in comparison to the Titans' clothes. It seemed to make me even more different from them, despite our unique capabilities, but I wasn't bothered as much. I had no intention to dress up like them, or act like them. As I stood in front of the mirror thinking this, I spoke aloud.

"It's okay," I chided to my reflection. "It's just a training session with Robin, just like the ones I had with Starfire. I'm not being one of them…"

_Don't you want to, though?_ asked a mental entity.

_Of course not!_ I shouted back. _They are my captors, remember? Why would I befriend the people who kidnapped me?_

_They didn't kidnap you._

_Then why won't they let me leave? I know that I have amnesia but they don't have to restrain me and restrict my rights. I can't remember how they got me here, and maybe it's their fault!_

_That's no proof that they kidnapped you…_

"Whether or not they are my kidnappers," I announced to the mirror. "They _are_ my captors. They treat me like an acquaintanced guest though, like they know something that I don't. It's like they try so hard to please me, but they're holding back on something big. I know they're keeping secrets, but they want me to believe what they're saying. I can't trust people like this."

_But you like them._

_I do not,_ I retorted quickly.

_Yes, you do_, the voice said earnestly. _We all do._

"We?" I asked myself.

I frowned at my reflection and crossed my arms, almost annoyed with my subconscious.

_Do I seriously have to meditate again?_ I thought threateningly.

I instantly heard a chorus of "No!" and I expelled a depleted sigh.

"Fine, whatever," I muttered as I departed from the bathroom. "You guys better not distract me."

_No promises,_ a voice snarled sarcastically.

_I'll remember that,_ I answered in return.

* * *

I made my way to the Main Ops room, arriving just a quarter after nine. Sure enough, the entire group of unsupervised teenagers were present within the living area, each of them indulged in an activity. I managed to slip into the room unnoticed, grateful for the lack of attention towards my arrival. Not knowing what else to do, I journeyed to the kitchen and attempted to make a mug of tea.

They had a modern, stainless steel brewing machine on the counter, which made it easier to prepare tea rather the old-fashioned way. I rummaged through cabinets of boxed and canned goods, dishes, and other cooking supplies until I found my favorite jet-back mug. The water that was poured into my cup was heated within moments, and I chose my preferred flavor of tea after viewing their entire selection of morning brews. As I repeatedly dunked a teabag in my glassy mug, I walked over to the booth, only to find Cyborg devouring a stack of pancakes that could feed an army.

"What's up, Raven?" Cyborg said after swallowing his food.

"It's going okay," I answered, gingerly sitting across from him. "I hope you didn't mind that I went ahead into the kitchen and made this…"

"Not at all! Feel free to take and eat whatever ya want from there. Star just went out the other day so everything should be stocked up."

"Okay. Thanks."

We both sat in silence for a while. The mechanical man was occupied with the breakfast laid before him while I hesitantly sipped my vanilla-scented tea. Because of this, I overheard a nearby conversation between the alien and the pea-green boy. Beast Boy was lounging on the crescent-shaped couch with Starfire, who cradled her obese larvae like a newborn infant. The television before them was projecting a documentary show that I couldn't recall, but it displayed numerous pictures of various types of fungus. I had to suppress a gag after witnessing a few grotesque scenes; I found it hard to believe that such a program could be viewed by the general public anyway.

"Are you sure you wanna watch this?" Beast Boy asked uneasily.

"I have watched this episode of the World of Fungus many times, Beast Boy," Starfire replied happily, rubbing Silkie's extended belly. "It is the one that I most prefer!"

"But can't we watch something that won't make me puke?" he said worriedly.

I realized then that Beast Boy was eating from a plastic bag on his lap. He occasionally pulled out a piece of candy, peeled off the wrapper, and popped it into his mouth, sucking on it as he watched the projected screen. He carelessly tossed the crumpled papers onto the floor, not bothering to consider the mess he was creating.

_Leave it to Beast Boy to eat candy for breakfast,_ I thought with a chuckle.

_It's the little things they do…_

"C'mon, Star," Beast Boy whined, but the green-sclera alien merely hushed his complaints and continue to leer at the projection, her tangerine hand massaging Silkie's bloated flesh.

"Robin said he wanted to talk with ya," Cyborg said suddenly, summoning my attention. "Ya'll training together, right?"

"Yeah," I answered shyly.

"You excited? You look a little…"

"I- I guess," I replied with a shrug, dismissing the conclusion of his sentence. "I'm not sure if it's going to be an ongoing thing, though. I still have sessions with Starfire that I want to complete."

"Gotta lot to learn," the mechanical man commented.

"It's a lot to take in."

"But very important."

"It seems like that," I admitted, my voice falling to a whisper.

Cyborg thoughtfully chewed on a piece of his pancake, considering his next words. He nodded slowly then jutted his cybernetic thumb behind him.

"Robin's in back," said Cyborg, wiping his mouth with a napkin. "Wouldn't wanna keep him waiting."

Following his advice, I drained the remainder of my warm beverage, placed it in the sink and walked over to where Robin was located. He was seated in a tall chair, observing a computer screen that displayed endless paragraphs of coded information in a small font. Robin clicked a few buttons on the keyboard and the computer presented a blurred image that I barely had time to examine. The instant Robin recognized my presence, he switched off the screen and faced me, trying to appear nonchalant.

"Hey," the masked boy greeted as he smiled at me. "Glad to see you're up."

"Yeah," I agreed. "I meditated and I had some tea so I'm all ready for whatever we're doing."

"Great!" said Robin, rising from his seat. "We can start in a bit, but I have to do something first."

"What do you mean?"

"As soon as I do this, we can start, okay?"

"What's going on, man?" Cyborg asked as he walked over towards us, joining the conversation.

Even Beast Boy and Starfire were listening to our dialogue. The volume on the projected screen was lowered so the other Titans could hear.

"Nothing's wrong," Robin replied. "But something did come up just now so I need to take care of it. I wouldn't do this unless it was important."

The masked leader now seemed urgent as he spoke. He was eager to leave where he could work in peace. He constantly assured us that there wasn't a problem, but I still found myself paranoid about what kind of trouble could be arising. When I discreetly used my empathetic abilities, I found that Robin's pulse was crescendoing into a dangerous rate, but only during his speech. Although his lie was evident, Robin purposely attempted to conceal it, which only scared me even more.

He was doing whatever he could to hide the problem, _especially_ from me.

Cyborg hesitantly gestured to himself, staring at Robin with intense eyes, almost in disbelief. The mechanical man now seemed to be worried as well.

"You want me to-?"

"No," Robin said hurriedly. "No, just-" Robin then turned to me, redirecting his statement: "...just hang out until I come get you. Stay here with them."

"Wait! What should I-?"

"It shouldn't be long," Robin answered me. "I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

"Why are you leaving like this again?" I inquired, growing suspicious.

"_Again?_"

"Robin," Starfire pleaded.

The tangerine girl glided gracefully towards the masked boy, approaching him slowly as she nurtured a slumbering Silkie. Their eyes connected as if they were mentally communicating.

"You are sure of how to proceed with such?"

I could sense Robin's throat constrict, preventing speech, and he could only swallow hard and nod. He didn't properly reply, but everyone seemed to instantly understand what Robin meant, even when a valid explanation didn't exist. Starfire appeared to be the most understanding individual out of them all.

Suddenly, I envisioned a comparison between the two Titans, which struck me with awe. The maternal alien, hugging her little _bumgorf_ like a baby, and the masked boy, standing tall above the founded group of Titans. They reminded me of a young family, like a couple who have just entered a unique phase of life: parenthood. And yet, they were merely a pair of hormonal adolescents. This idea changed my perspective between them greatly, and I could never see them the same way again.

"Please watch her for me," Robin whispered to her. "Watch her until I come back."

Starfire bowed her head timidly, accepting his words without further question. Then Robin did something that I've never seen him do before: he meaningfully kissed Starfire's cheek, almost like a little act of thanking her. And with that, he hastily departed from the Main Ops room, secluding everyone in silence.

"Alright then," Cyborg sighed, placing his hands on his hips. "I guess we'll hafta make do."

"Well? Now what?" I asked, searching the group for an answer.

The bewildered teenagers exchanged confused expressions.

"We're gonna do what Robin told us," Cyborg said. "We're gonna chill out until he comes back."

"But how long will he be gone?"

"Indefinitely," Starfire replied earnestly.

_So much for training with Robin today,_ I thought hotly. _They never keep to their word!_

_They can't keep promises like this. What's up with that?_

_And that's reason enough to never trust them…_

"Dude," acknowledged Beast Boy to Cyborg. "We should do something fun to pass time."

"There's not much to do," Cyborg admitted. "Besides, we need to stick together until Robin's back."

"Well, we could play a game."

"A _game_?" Cyborg repeated.

"Are ya thinkin' what I'm thinking?" Beast Boy teased him.

The mechanical man was mirroring the mocking grin on the green changeling's face.

"Way ahead of ya, Grass Stain," Cyborg replied. "I'll be right back."

Cyborg immediately jogged out of the room to retrieve something from his bedroom. About a minute later, he walked proudly through the retreating doors and revealed a balled up mass of socks that radiated a filthy aroma. I took a timid sniff of the putrid air and nearly gagged, choking on the fumes. Even Starfire seemed disgusted by what Cyborg was holding, but she displayed a hint of interest, unlike me.

"What is _that_?" I demanded, fanning my face to avoid the scent that stung my nostrils.

"Oh yeah," said Beast Boy in disbelief, more to himself but he wasn't quiet enough to be unheard. "Raven doesn't know about it anymore."

I rolled my eyes in annoyance and Cyborg shoved the pea-green boy, urging him to remember his manners.

"We can't just sit around here all day waiting for Robin," Cyborg explained. "So we're gonna start up a game of Stink Ball!"

"_Stink Ball_?" I repeated in bewilderment.

"Wanna play?" Beast Boy asked me hopefully. "It's more fun with extra players. We can have actual teams this time!"

"I don't know," I muttered, leering at the door and praying for Robin to return.

_No bonding,_ I reminded myself. _Don't get attached to them._

"Aww c'mon!" Beast Boy whined playfully. "Please! I know you'll love it!"

"Ya got nothing going on until Robin comes back," Cyborg said. "Why not have a little fun with us?"

I could only shrug uselessly, knowing that my response wouldn't be accepted.

_No games with them,_ I said mentally. _Don't play._

_Just one game!_ a voice pleaded.

_I said, "no!"_

_She's just afraid that she's going to lose,_ snarled another.

_This isn't a challenge,_ I clarified. _It's a game. I don't want to play with them…_

_Yes, you do._

The next thing I knew, I was being ushered out of the room by Cyborg, who eagerly urged me forward; Starfire, who soared above me energetically; and Beast Boy, who sprinted ahead of us and repeatedly glanced back to make sure we were following.

* * *

Together, we rode the elevator to the roof of Titans Tower. Among the area that was used to land and launch helicopters and the large basketball court, a net was already set up, creating a universal court to play a wide variety of sports. We gathered at the center of the roof while Beast Boy ran to the other side of the court.

"BOYS AGAINST GIRLS!" Beast Boy hollered, using his gloved hands to amplify his voice, to which Cyborg agreed.

"Then we are to be a team, Friend Raven?" Starfire said rather happily to me.

"You know, you guys can always play by yourselves," I told her, but the alien wouldn't hear of it.

"I would not consider to play the Ball of Stink without a companion," she gushed. "Please! I insist for you to join the game!"

Starfire and I congregated on one side of the playing field while Cyborg and Beast Boy huddled on the other, most likely discussing game tactics and techniques to score. I became really irritated knowing that I was uneducated about the rules of gameplay.

"So how exactly do we play Stink Ball?" I asked to the conversing Titans.

"Think of it as a game of volleyball," Cyborg replied in a smug tone.

"Only better," Beast Boy finished, smirking at his mechanical friend.

"Powers are allowed!" Cyborg announced. "Starbolts and shape-shifting included!"

"My powers?" I clarified, clearly appalled.

"Oh, glorious!" Starfire exclaimed joyfully, but I continued to protest.

"You can't be serious! I can't use my powers like _this_."

"Why not?" the green changeling asked.

"There's no use wasting my time and energy to play a game. I didn't think-!"

"But Raven," Starfire said. "It is not a competition. You see, it is merely an entertaining activity to exercise our skills!"

"You're not hurting anyone or anything," said Cyborg from across the net. "Just send the ball over to us and let's see how long we can rally."

With that, Cyborg tossed the ball into air and punched it with a metal fist. The mass of socks arched ideally over the netted divide, heading straight for my location. I started to back away, raising my hands for defense, but Starfire took flight and launched it back with a kick. Both Cyborg and Beast Boy dove to return the pass, but the ball bounded onto the ground, scoring us the first point. Starfire held out a hand to me.

"Come, Friend," she kindly pleaded. "We are to defeat our opponents together."

Without further question, I gratefully accepted her tangerine hand. I then allowed Starfire to pull me up into the air with her, assisting my flight as I stabilized into a balanced posture. We both hovered off of the court, preparing for the game as Beast Boy retrieved the stray ball.

"That was a lucky shot," Cyborg argued. "You won't be lucky like that anytime soon."

"We shall see," Starfire shot back.

"Got it!" Beast Boy shouted as he ran onto the court, holding the ball above his head like a trophy.

"Y'all ready?" Cyborg hollered, to which Starfire enthusiastically cheered and I shrugged.

"I'm going first!" said Beast Boy and without further hesitation, he served the ball towards me and Starfire, thus commencing the game.

I didn't start playing to my full potential as soon as the game began. My submissive character was easily detected among their competitive spirit. I held back on the use of my abilities for the little game, but it wasn't for long. Frustration was apparent as each of my shots were either blocked or deflected. I almost wanted to quit due to my excessive amount of losses. That's when my thoughts and moves became more calculated and decisive.

In order to score, everyone needed a creative way to pass the ball. Since each player was using their capabilities to their advantage, I would need to use mine to balance the competition. Their techniques were difficult to duplicate and their motions couldn't be copied with ease. Cyborg and Beast Boy had strengths and weaknesses that I needed to exploit and I often combined efforts with Starfire to achieve success. By then, the game actually started to feel fun to me.

Once, after the ball soared onto our side of the court, Starfire punted it high into the air with a tremendous kick. Since the ball was precisely set, I needed to strike it back to continue the rally. With exhilarating concentration, I projected a large hand out of my dark energy as I flew upward to greet the ball. I spun around and smacked it with such sheer power that it plummeted to the ground, narrowly missing Cyborg's cybernetic head. Starfire burst into laughter while Beast Boy chased the runaway ball. Cyborg also seemed surprised by my sudden move, but it wasn't long before he started to chuckle as well.

Another time, I had the crafty idea to use teleportation to score a point. With the mass of socks hurling at my direction, I formed a warping portal and provided enough space for a smooth, clean entry. Sure enough, the ball entered the portal and was relocated across the court to where another field of dark energy was spawned. It appeared behind our two opponents, thumping into the pea-green boy's back and almost knocking him over.

"No fair!" whined Beast Boy as he recovered himself.

"All is fair, Beast Boy," Starfire laughed with glee as they complained. "No such rules exist that would dismiss the score."

"But it never crossed the net!"

"Sure it did," I called back with a confident smirk.

Starfire cheered enthusiastically as Beast Boy sulked about the loss. Watching Cyborg argue with him about which strategic plans to play was almost amusing to me. The score was now tied at 13 - 13 so tensions were already high, but Starfire treated it as if we had already won the entire game.

"Allow us to initiate the high of the five!" the alien suddenly exclaimed at me, raising her hand.

I instinctively lifted my hand as well and winced when Starfire slapped it with her palm. My skin burned uncomfortably after the painful clap from the collision of our hands. Starfire giggled, completely oblivious to her mistake of using too much force. Even as I shook out my numb hand, I couldn't suppress a smile of my own.

_Walked right into that one,_ I thought.

_Obviously,_ another voice muttered.

"Alright then," Cyborg taunted playfully at last. "How 'bout now we make this interesting?"

"How so?" I shot back as I crossed my arms, curious about his suggestion.

"Let's make a little wager," he continued. "This'll be the last round: winner takes all."

"And what do you propose to enable?" Starfire asked, wary of the consequence of losing.

"Winner gets to chose dinner for tonight that everyone must eat," he announced.

"And loser has to clean the dishes," Beast Boy finished, twirling the ball on his finger and grinning mischievously at me.

"So much for being interesting," I snorted. "That's the prize: food?"

"Worth playing for?" Cyborg countered back.

Starfire and I glanced at each other. It wasn't exactly a do-or-die situation and the prize wasn't a reward that I'd want, but it was something for which to fight. Besides, Starfire was too eager to play some more. We simply nodded in agreement,

"We accept your challenge," Starfire announced.

"Then let's get started," said the mechanical man.

"Yes, we shall."

The ball was immediately passed my way, to which I bounced back with ease using my combined forearms. Cyborg popped it into the air, allowing enough time for Beast Boy to position himself and spike it over the net. I created a barrier of my power beneath the net and the ball slammed into it, causing it to jump back onto the other side of the court. When Cyborg rallied it using his palm, Starfire soared over to punch it with a radiant sphere of lime-green energy that encompassed her entire hand. That's when I traveled to another side of our court, switching positions with the alien to defend as much of our territory as possible. The green changeling stood directly in front of me, our eyes instantly connecting. I flicked up my eyebrows like a playful threat, daring him to make a move against me, and Beast Boy's fang turned upwards with pleasure.

Suddenly, Beast Boy bent down and morphed right in front of me. I was engulfed in his shadow as he grew in height and I had to shade my eyes in order to see past the winking rays of light that peaked over his head like a halo. Sickly, pea-green scales replaced his soft flesh. The roof shuddered under the weight of his massive legs, his feet armed with deadly talons. I could see rows of keen teeth, approximately the size of my outstretched hand, peeking out from his drooling mouth. For a moment, I was so aghast that I almost forgotten where I was, staring up at the animal that towered over my presence. Beast Boy had turned himself into an animal that I've never seen before; an animal that I'm sure _no one_ has ever seen in person before: a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Beast Boy's lip curled back into a snarl. A deep rumble that originated from his bowels vibrated the air, much alike the purr of a large predator. The prehistoric dinosaur was magnificent to witness, but I knew that Beast Boy didn't morph like that to startle me. He whirled around on his large feet, swinging his tail like a whip. Cyborg knew the strategy and he threw the ball towards Beast Boy, his tail striking the ball with ease.

He was starting a one-on-one rally with me.

I could feel my eyes igniting with light as I summoned fists of dark energy, my hair floating around me as if they were aroused by static. I waved my hand and my power followed my movements, maneuvering the ball back over the neck. Beast Boy nosed the ball into the air as Cyborg climbed onto his back as fast as he could, gaining a more vivid perspective of the gameplay. The mechanical man bounced it towards me, but I used levitation to shove it away from our side of the court, like an invisible force.

Cyborg launched off Beast Boy and managed to save the mass of socks before it contacted the ground. With that, the pea-green boy reverted to his humane figure. A wild grin was plastered to his green face as he stood up from his crouched position.

"Is that the best ya got?" he buoyantly teased me.

"Not even close," I snapped with a smirk.

As time wore on, the intensity of the game slowly increased. Each pass could result in the termination of the game and it all depended on the players' willpower to continue. Everyone was suffering from fatigue and lassitude but because the rules were eliminated to allow competitive gameplay, our aggression only upgraded even higher. By then, large droplets of perspiration rained from my neck and my movements were tense with the determination to succeed. My eyes were fixated on the ball that I caught in a containment of my power. I breathed laboriously yet I refused to cease my efforts to score. Even the green changeling, who stood directly ahead of me, began to show the various signs of exhaustion. He panted furiously, his skin slick with sweat. Ivy orbs darted to every aspect of the environment, preparing for his next opportunity to shoot the ball. Beast Boy wanted to win as badly as I did, but nothing would've made me happier than to beat him at his own game. And I was willing to push myself to the limit to achieve this goal.

"Pass it to me," I whispered urgently to Starfire.

"Huh?"

"Pass it up to me when I say so," I repeated. "I have an idea."

Starfire nodded at me and while she defended from below, I flew higher into the sky, feeling confident and free above the Titans on the court. Cyborg and Beast Boy obviously heard our plan and decided to use it to their advantage. Beast Boy morphed into a green Pterodactyl and took flight as well, heading straight for my location. I knew that I didn't have much time.

"Starfire, now!"

The green-eyed alien kicked the ball with great strength, following through and actually flipping backwards as she did so. I accumulated energy into my hands, my eyes hard with concentration. Beast Boy was soaring closer, only seconds away from reaching me. He screeched as if trying to stop me, but I had already made up my mind. My hands connected and my voice echoed against the rooftop.

"AZARATH METRION ZINTHOS!"

An illuminated beam composed of dark energy exploded from my hands as my mantra rattled the air. The enhanced attack narrowly missed Beast Boy, who heavily swerved to avoid contact, almost losing his balance. Cyborg dove out of the way as the thick, black laser bore into the floor of the roof, polluting the area with clouds of toxic particles. Everyone gathered onto Cyborg and Beast Boy's side of the court to inspect the damage. As the dust and debris evacuated, what was left of the ball lay in tattered pieces. There was an immediate uproar.

"WE HAVE SUCCEEDED!" Starfire cheered with joy. "WE ARE VICTORIOUS!"

Without warning, the alien soared towards me, hardly containing her laughter. I barely had time to react before I was cocooned in a pair of tangerine arms. The strength in her hug was surprising, as well as painful. By the time I pulled away from her strong grasp, the mechanical man was talking to the pea-green boy.

"Way to go, Grass Stain," Cyborg muttered as he shoved Beast Boy. "Ya didn't stop her in time. Now look what happened!"

But Beast Boy wasn't listening. He crouched to the ground and picked up the foul clothes in disbelief, trying to salvage the ruins of the mass of socks.

"My ball!" he said, gesturing to the clothes strewn everywhere. "Dude, it's gone! It's broken! How are we supposed to play?"

"We already lost," Cyborg clarified sternly. "No use trying again; they won fair and square."

"Sorry about your ball," I apologized as I hovered lower to the floor for a safe landing. "I didn't mean to break it."

"Nah, it's fine," the green changeling told me, although he still appeared disappointed. "I'm more depressed about the prize you guys won. Besides, Cyborg and I never lose, _especially_ at our own game; we're pretty upset already."

Even though I was sympathetic, a small curve conformed to my lips as Beast Boy expressed his humiliation.

"I was too into the game," I confessed. "I shouldn't have played like that; someone could've been injured, like what I did to the ball."

"No worries," Cyborg assured me, draping a cybernetic arm over my shoulder. "It's just a ball. Sad to see it go, but it was fun while it lasted, huh?"

"I think I can fix it though. Want me to try? Starfire taught me about this for a little bit and I might know some spells that-"

"Don't even bother," Beast Boy interrupted, although he seemed happy to hear my apologetic efforts to please him. "I can always stitch up another. There's plenty of socks in my bedroom that won't be washed anytime soon."

Everyone laughed at Beast Boy's comment, including me. I didn't need to witness the conditions of Beast Boy's dormitory to declare his uncleanliness. Almost every adolescent, no matter the abnormal hue to their skin, has unhealthy habits regarding their physical and mental state. Beast Boy just happens to enjoy a more carefree lifestyle, unlike me.

While we were mourning the death of the game ball, Robin approached us with an amiable greeting. He seemed relieved to have discovered everyone socializing on the roof.

"Did I miss something?" he joked, eyeing the discarded socks on the ground.

"Only the best game of Stink Ball ever!" Cyborg enthused, giving me a gentle squeeze.

"It was epic!" Beast Boy went on. "But the girls won the game."

"So you and Starfire were a team and you guys actually beat them?" Robin asked me.

I nodded, flashing a proud smile. Starfire flew over to me, wearing an excited grin of her own.

"And now for the reward," she announced, obviously eager to begin. "Please follow my guidance to the kitchen!"

* * *

Starfire had supper prepared in minutes, much to everyone's amazement. The Titans were situated at the table, each sitting before a massive bowl and a spoon for a giant. Large napkins were tied around their necks and they kept glancing at the others, unsure of what was to come. The green-eyed alien swiftly flew towards them with great speed, carrying a pot that could've weighed tons.

"I have prepared one of my most preferred dishes from Tamaran," she declared triumphantly. "_Glorrk_, a common delicacy consisting of dried Spudlings and Zorkaberries. I even allowed time for the fungus to marinate!"

According to the reward that Cyborg established, I wasn't obligated to eat whatever was served for dinner, to which I was very thankful. Its decayed appearance and fetid odor was enough to disinterest me. Instead, I sat there patiently monitoring the Titans' progress of consumption; they were not permitted to depart unless they had finished their helping of food.

Starfire nearly threw handfuls of _Glorrk_ into the bowls, splattering the Titans with the foul goo, but the tangerine girl was oblivious to their offended reactions. Cyborg started to analyze the contents of the meal with his red eye, digesting its list of ingredients and determining its edibility. Judging by his face, I was sure that the results weren't appealing. Robin timidly sniffed the food while Beast Boy's spoon merely nudged it, toying with the elastic slime to stall himself.

"You seem greener than normal," I said to Beast Boy, stifling a chuckle.

"I'm always green 'cause of her," he joked in return, gesturing to Starfire with his spoon. "It's just so...gross, am I right?"

Beside his shoes, Starfire's _bumgorf_, Silkie, was also eating the _Glorrk_. The mutant larvae gurgled as it slurped up the slime like a serving of Jell-O.

_Aliens,_ I muttered to myself.

_Still can't believe that she's an extraterrestrial being…_

_Oh, I'm sure she's real,_ I replied stiffly.

"I can't eat this anymore, Star," Cyborg admitted. "I'm gonna puke any sec now."

The mechanical man held the food in his mouth with his cheek, but he immediately regretted his decision to eat it. He didn't dare to swallow though, fearful of having it appear again.

"I am sure that Robin likes what I had cooked," said Starfire, smiling dolefully towards the other end of the table.

The masked Titan painfully gulped the slimey food that he was chewing with disgust and he nearly choked, wincing from the awful taste. He wiped away the entrails of saliva and mush from his mouth with his sleeve and attempted to smile back in return, pretending to enjoy his meal. Robin wanted nothing more than to please Starfire, even if he had to act accordingly to keep her happy; that meant he had to eat the hideously-inedible food that she had prepared using Tamaranean traditions. Thankfully, Starfire was oblivious to the pain that Robin was experiencing and never questioned his status. Robin silently regurgitated the remains within his stomach as soon as the alien turned around to face us again.

"Since we have won, you must eat what we decide for dinner," Starfire lectured them sternly. "Failure to do so will result in the penalty."

"It'd be worth it," Cyborg sighed, coughing on the food in his mouth.

"I don't wanna eat ever again," whined the green changeling. "I'll starve before I eat this!"

"Perhaps if you would try it, you will love it!" said Starfire in encouragement, immune to their excessive complaints. "Would anyone like the mustard with their _Glorrk_?"

After Cyborg politely declined her offer, the tangerine girl simply shrugged, unscrewed the cap and dumped the condiment all over the _Glorrk_, which she spilled onto the table in regards to Tamaranean traditions. Everybody gagged as they hopelessly consumed Starfire's alien cuisine while the foreign female happily dined as well. She even climbed onto the table and used her bare hands to scoop the slush into her mouth, which was now drenched in mustard. It only seemed to make everyone even more sick. I looked to each of the Titans, pleased yet pitiful to see their exaggerated expressions of suffering. However, I knew that I couldn't refrain from offering relief upon witnessing Beast Boy sprint to the sink to vomit.

"Anyone want some toast and tea?"

* * *

Eventually, everyone was released from the table, although it took Beast Boy nearly an hour to finish what was left in his bowl. Starfire was storing the leftovers of dinner away in the fridge while Cyborg and Beast Boy were on kitchen duty. They had a quivering tower of glass dishes to properly wash and although they obviously hated the chore, they tried to make it fun by telling jokes to each other for entertainment. As the Titans were preparing for the night, Robin took a few minutes to apologize to me, much to my surprise.

"I hated to do that to you," said the masked Titan. "It was unfair for you and I'm sorry about that. I didn't want to do that as much as you."

"I understand," I replied earnestly. "Was it about your 'job' or something?"

"Kinda," he admitted. "But it wasn't something that I could ignore, just like what we do as Titans. And I honestly didn't think it would take so long. I still feel terrible about how I left you…"

"It's okay. It was nice to do something entertaining for once."

I snuck a peek at the mechanical man and the green changeling, who were finishing up their task. Cyborg had shut off the water and Beast Boy placed the last of the dishes away in the cabinet. They seemed exhausted after the long day, especially after losing to the game of Stink Ball.

"I'm just glad that you're comfortable here with us," Robin said with a smile. "I'm sure everything will only get better."

I found myself instinctively smiling back.

"Yeah," I agreed. "It's gotten better already."

"Anyways, good night."

"Good night, Raven," said Cyborg with a wink.

"Bye, Raven," Beast Boy shouted from across the room.

"Pleasant _shlorvax_!" chimed Starfire as she gave me another bone-crushing hug.

I watched all the Titans walk away for a moment, each of them going their separate directions for bed. I stood for a while longer before I started my own trek back to my bedroom, mentally digesting Robin's speech as I did so.

_Yes,_ said a voice within my mind. _They are growing comfortable with you as well._

_Yeah,_ I answered curtly. _I guess so._

The word _trust_ seemed to be gnawing at my insides and I winced uncomfortably. Of course I knew that they were trusting me a little more each day, but it's not easy to evade the thoughts of betrayal and dishonesty. I knew that the temptation would be difficult to dismiss, although taking advantage of a fool is against my morals. But when it all comes down to it, I put myself into consideration before all others. It's always been about my needs, like a survival instinct. I'm the most important person who matters to me; what happens to me should have no influence over others and my choices shouldn't be restricted by outside influences. However, I couldn't help but contemplate how the Titans would react upon my unexpected departure.

_Robin would be worried to death,_ I told myself. _He would probably panic about me, even though I'll be fine, and Cyborg would be furious._

_How come?_ asked a wise voice and I shrugged.

_Cyborg would be mad, maybe a little at himself for not stopping me and a little at me for going. Either way, he'll be very upset and determined to go after me too._

_And the girl?_

_Starfire will surely be disappointed_, I thought._ She's just so fragile at times…_

_Especially her heart,_ added the mental entity.

I could already imagine the tangerine girl's exasperated reaction to my disappearance. Her green-sclera eyes would wither from the amount of tears that they would expel out of misery. Starfire's grief could be felt for miles, although I knew another's would be felt for lightyears.

_But Beast Boy..._

I swallowed the lump in my throat that grew like an infectious disease.

_Beast Boy would be…_

I couldn't bring myself to finish my sentence, hesitating to continue. However, I was politely interrupted.

_You like him,_ the voice stated quietly.

_No, I don't!_ I barked back, furious at such a comment._ I hardly KNOW this guy; him and those freaks are my captors! They keep me jailed in this place without my say, remember?_

_Titans…_

_Huh?_

_They are called the Titans; under no circumstance should you declare the alias of "freaks" upon them. Would you be offended if they referred to you as their "captive" here?_

_I am their captive, aren't I? Whatever. What I'm saying is that I don't like him. I can't like him. I can't like someone like Beast Boy. I-!_

I sighed in defeat. I couldn't bring myself to say it, even in my isolated subconscious.

"I don't like him," I whispered meekly. "I don't like Beast Boy. I don't like Robin or Starfire or Cyborg; I don't like _any_ of them."

_Yes,_ the voice cooed. _Yes, you do._

* * *

**Author's Note: **I absolutely love the support I'm getting so thank you so much :) And remember, I'm open for requests, ideas and suggestions. I'll see everybody soon enough!


	14. Cheating Depression

**Author's Note: **I'm checking out the stats for this story everyday and let me tell you how happy I am :) Every time I get a new follower, I smile; every time someone favorites this, I squeal; and every time I post a new chapter, I sit by my computer to see who's reading it (like a creep...). Honestly, without amazing people like you, fanfiction and fanart wouldn't exist. So, as always, thank you so much for taking your time to read my story :) *side note* yes, this is a BB/Rae fanfic so there's more fluff and character build on the way, I promise! (In all honesty, I would LOVE to jump to the finale because I'm already so excited to write it! But as long as I stick with the plan, it will come soon enough). Happy reading, everybody!

**A Previous Summary: **After what happened to her emotions in the obstacle course earlier, Raven is worried about her first training session with Robin. She's scared about her lack of constant control and she spends all morning preparing for it, only to find out that Robin has to bail out on her again. Feeling rejected, Starfire, Cyborg, and Beast Boy want to cheer her up with a game of Stink Ball. At first, Raven has little enthusiasm for the sport, but as the competition goes on, she starts to enjoy herself. She finds that playing the game was not only a fun experience but also an educational one; as the game progressed, she could practice her abilities in an entertaining way, along with a motive to win. She even rejoiced with Starfire when she beat Beast Boy and Cyborg, despite her constant reminders to evade bonding. However, now Raven can't shake the connections she feels for the Titans, especially when it comes to the wide-eyed, green-skinned boy.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 14: _Cheating Depression_

"You need to stand out more," Robin lectured. "Try copying me."

"I am, aren't I?" I countered back defensively. "What am I doing wrong?"

"Your feet," he clarified.

"What about them?"

"During any sort of fighting, with or without your powers, you need to be balanced. Like this."

Robin gestured to himself as he pivoted in front of me. Even with all the protective garments and equipment that he donned, he was light on his feet, no doubt a trait that he inherited from his acrobatic history. I guess I was a little jealous that I wasn't as agile as Robin.

"Stay light and balanced," he said. "It'll make it easier and you'll be faster too."

"That's what I'm doing!" I exclaimed, but Robin wouldn't hear the end of it.

In one swift motion, he ducked to the ground and swiped his leg at me, kicking my feet out from beneath me. I instantly tripped backwards and landed hard on my rear, much to my shock. However, Robin jumped up again and he gazed down at me with a smug facial expression.

"If you were ready, you would've avoided that," the masked boy taunted.

"Well that's one way to put it," I grunted.

Robin offered his hand and he pulled me up once again. Even though I didn't appreciate what he had done, we did share little laugh. I then briefly shifted on my sore soles to the stance that Robin advised me to do. We both raised our arms to the neutral state during combat and continued the lesson.

"Just a little recap," Robin told me. "The trick is to be quick. Fast jabs. Don't try to put all of your strength into one punch."

Robin threw his fist at me, causing me to flinch, but he purposely missed. It narrowly contacted my face by only an inch, which I found to be very impressive. That kind of accuracy is a difficult skill to acquire. Even though my aim with my dark energy is already mastered, using my hands will surely be different.

"You remember, right?"

"Yeah," I replied, a little nervous.

"Let's put it all together then. Everything that we learned so far. Are you up for it?"

"You mean like offense and defense?" I asked uneasily.

"Is something wrong?"

"I don't know," I confessed. "I just don't feel right about actually..._fighting_ you, I mean."

"Well that's what we're learning, right?"

I gave him a useless shrug. With that, Robin appeared to be more sympathetic; "I'll be fine, Raven," Robin assured me with a smile. "I'm wearing all this stuff for a reason, right?"

"Then what about me!" I cried. "Can't I wear gear like that?"

"It's kinda bulky and it'll get in the way, so I want you to train without it first. Besides, I won't hit you. Any punch that I throw won't come close to touching you."

"It still feels wrong that I'm fighting though…"

"Don't worry about it. You're safe training with me. It's only practice."

"Okay," I sighed at last, although I was still hesitant.

"Give it a try," Robin encouraged me. "All you gotta do is land a punch on me. And don't hold back; I can take it."

"Just a punch?"

"Basically a successful attack," he clarified. "You get the first move."

I adopted to a stable stance, my posture firm yet flexible. My arms and puckered fists hovered close to my torso, prepared to defend or strike in a moment's notice. My eyes darted to Robin's head, then to his right arm and also his legs before returning to his masked face; I couldn't make up my mind on where to attack. My mind tried to calculate the best option, but Robin gave me advice.

"Don't take too long to think about it," he warned me. "Your opponents won't wait for you; they'll attack if they get the chance too."

With that, Robin threw a punch my way so I was forced to take a step back to avoid it. I regained my composure as Robin took a step forward.

"Don't back down," he continued. "Keep a good distance away but don't let your opponent drive into you."

As he spoke, Robin kept advancing towards me. He jabbed at me, to which few I had evaded and even blocked one with my arms. I tried to punch as well but Robin seemed to know my attacks well before I acted. I grunted in annoyance. Frustration was beginning to affect my futile efforts.

"You have to be focused."

"I'm _trying_," I seethed.

I aimed for Robin's head but he darted out of the way of my fists. I ducked for cover when Robin spun around to enact a high kick. Everything that I was doing started to feel wrong. My energy was depleting fast; every valuable attack became worthless. I didn't feel physically or mentally determined to keep fighting.

"Watch your opponent carefully," Robin reminded me."And also be aware; everyone has a weakness to use against them."

Robin was now trying to exploit my exhaustion, an obvious tactic considering the hints of an agitated attitude and weakened offensive motions. I could only enable defensive maneuvers since I was too paranoid to fight.

"Can't you give me a chance?" I asked him, exasperated from the exercise.

"You need to train like this," he told me.

"But it's too hard!" I cried. "I can't keep up!"

"It'll only make you better."

"Not if I can't _do_ anything!"

I dodged away from him and took a couple paces backwards, trying to regenerate my thoughts. Robin obvious sensed my distress and tried to help.

"Just try something, Raven," he encouraged me.

"I can't," I complained. "I can't do it! I'm not good at this!"

"You were doing just fine, now c'mon and keep going!"

"I can't!"

"Go for it!" he exclaimed. "You gotta give it a try!"

"I can't, Robin!"

"Punch me! Go for it! Just-!"

That's when it became momentarily quiet between us. We were both excessively panting, weary from the engaged combat, but our emotions were extremely conflicted. Robin had gasped in surprise while I was slowly absorbing amazement from achieving my goal. My fist had landed square on his chest before recoiling back at me and it took us a couple moments to realize what had happened.

"Like that?" I joked, stifling a laugh from his bewildered reaction.

"That doesn't count," he said, but I instantly argued in return.

"What do you mean? You told me to get a 'successful attack' and I_ did_ hit you. It was totally fair!"

"I was talking," he protested.

"You were distracted," I corrected him. "I found my chance and I seized it. That counts, don't you think?"

Robin could only smile at me in approval. His satisfaction made my breath flutter, as if a heavy burden was lifted from my heart.

"That's what I like to hear," he said. "I hafta say: it was a perfect and clever move. Now I want you to do it again, just to make sure it wasn't luck."

"Never needed luck anyway," I replied in a silky tone.

Having Robin reschedule our previous plans a few days ago had a surprising impact on me. I couldn't say that I felt insulted by the dishonesty of an unkept promise, especially when I refused to bestow trust upon the Titans myself. The insignificant action obviously wasn't a matter worth my stress and worry, and yet I overreacted, much to my embarrassment upon later reflection. It aroused suspicion and frustration, the two most common emotions that I have been experiencing ever since I withdrew from the coma. However, the masked Titan's unnecessary apology was enough to prove of how highly concerned they are of me.

It was that next day when Robin gave me the martial arts lesson that he meant to do the previous day. Although I wasn't pleased about the change of events, we were able to establish a more suitable schedule than the last, considering that they didn't want to stress me too much with my training. Everyday, I needed a certain amount of time to meditate, whether or not I had company to assist me, and all weekdays were devoted to training. On Mondays through Fridays, I would have a session with Starfire to practice my demonic abilities. They would span throughout the entire day and usually sum up to about five hours in total, not to mention the frequent breaks in between each hour. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I would have an additional session with Robin to learn martial arts and hand-to-hand combat. It was decided to take place earlier in the day, taking only two hours of my time while my training with Starfire reduces to three hours instead of five. That left me with a brief yet satisfying weekend for downtime and recovery.

"Lucky for you," Cyborg would always say. "We hardly ever get days off."

"Can't you just call in sick or something like that?" I asked him, to which he merely laughed.

"Doesn't work like that," the mechanical man admitted. "Man, but I wish it did."

The endless hours of practice and tutoring from the Titans wasn't exactly easy. It was tedious work that was often deprived of determination. The week seemed slow and each day shuffled along without speed or business to consider, but my progress and improvement were evident by this Thursday's dawn. I was finally relieved to realize that I had to endure today and a single day of training before a two-day vacation, which was a blessing after the laborious performances. However, the nautical day had just begun; the rest for which I yearned seemed to be years away as Robin and I started our exercise routines.

"Wait," Robin said, interrupting me.

"What?"

"No cheating."

"I'm not cheating!" I cried, feeling offended. "I haven't used my powers at all!"

"Your eyes are glowing," Robin muttered with a smirk.

"No they're not!" I argued.

"They're getting brighter, Raven…"

Realizing the problem, I blinked quickly to evade the light that emitted from my faculty of sight. Robin lightly chuckled as I blushed from the humiliation. I despised myself for being so easily distracted.

"C'mon, no powers," he said at last, returning to a serious tone.

"Sometimes I can't help it," I admitted, feeling a bit ashamed. "It's not easy to control when I feel pressured."

"We're just trying to imagine what it would be if you couldn't access your powers," Robin explained. "You won't always have them. Bad things can happen quickly so you need to be ready for it."

"I know I know. I'm just having trouble focusing now."

Robin withdrew from his defensive stance and approached me, offering moral support. No matter what we do together, Robin always seems to be the most wary about my condition. He worries often, as if I were a bomb that was prepared to combust. It can be annoying at times and I feel insecure about myself, but it directly translates to a form of kindness to which I feel grateful. I could immediately tell that Robin felt responsible for the situation, even though he did nothing wrong.

"Maybe we should take a break," he said quietly. "Do you want to meditate with me or something? Will that help?"

"Would you mind if I meditated alone?" I asked timidly. "I need to clear my head for a second."

Robin respectfully accepted my request and promptly exited, promising to return in a few minutes. I made myself comfortable on the floor and then levitated above that spot, folding my legs into a sedentary yet strong position. I had no intention to meditate at the moment; the tranquility was enough to ease my anxious sensations. However, I was prepared for the mental diatribe of my Emoticlones.

_This is pointless,_ said a rude voice. _Why are we wasting our time with this? It won't matter whether or not you can throw a punch if you can just blast them on the spot!_

_This is good practice,_ I told them in a stern voice.

_But is it really worth it? There's so much more to do than dancing around with Robin..._

_There are benefits and drawbacks from these lessons,_ commented another voice. _However, an educational experience should never be ignored; we can only thrive upon this knowledge._

_And Robin knows what he's doing,_ I added meaningfully._ I could use these skills eventually, right?_

_You mean for their job?_ asked an unsure voice.

_It must have something to do with this_, I thought. _It must have something to do with combat and their abilities and all sorts of stuff like that. I just can't figure it out…_

_The only thing this is good for is finally leaving this place,_ muttered a cruel entity.

_What are you saying?_ I demanded.

_Escaping,_ it answered._ Remember that, Raven? You were too scared to put your powers to good use and now look where you are; a captive in training! A soldier to them!_

_I'm not like that._

_They're probably training you to kidnap more victims…_

_Stop it! They wouldn't do that!_

_Either way, you're bonding with them. You're becoming more and more attached to these freaks…_

_They're only trying to be nice,_ I said reasonably._ And just because we're doing stuff together doesn't mean I'm bonding with them._

_Sure sounds like it._

_We're not friends. Not even acquaintances!_

_But they treat you like one..._

_What does it matter? Why do you care so much about this?_

_We need what's best for us, Raven,_ the voice replied angrily. _What's best for you! And staying here will only make it worse._

_Well then, what do you suggest?_ I asked it, although I knew its answer wouldn't be reasonable.

_Staying here as a prisoner isn't the way to live. We all desire to be free, Raven. Trying to gather the past isn't worth the time if we are only wasting the future. We NEED to move on; take what we have left of the amnesia and continue with what we know._

_We are a burden,_ a timid voice added mournfully. _They go through so much to help us, to PLEASE us, but we aren't worth the trouble we are causing them. I still feel guilty about this, Raven. Don't you?_

I couldn't find a proper response. However, I was overcome by an uneasy feeling of remorse.

_Why stay here and make them miserable for us?_ the angry voice continued._ We should leave for our sake; theirs too, but you're a coward for staying with these freaks..._

_I already know that I don't have to stay here,_ I declared menacingly._ I can leave any time I want!_

_Then why don't you?_ it taunted.

That's when I held back an immediate response. I tried to stall my truthful answer, but it's not easy to lie to your subconscious. They always seemed to be ahead of my speech.

_It's not the right time…_

_Or is it because you know you can't?_

_How would you know?_ I shot back.

_Because I am you, Raven,_ it seethed._ I am MORE than you! More than you'll ever be!_

I stood abruptly, my heart pulsing rapidly as a result from the horrific experience. The haunting voice seemed to echo within my mind; although my Emoticlones were a part of me, I knew that this narrator was apart from my normal consciousness.

"What do you mean by that?" I said aloud. "Who are you?"

The voice began to chuckle darkly, causing my skin to ripple like a disturbed pool of stagnant water. I tried to shout louder than the eerie laughter, but soon I couldn't hear myself speak.

"Who are you? Tell me! Who are you?!"

I continued to hopelessly threaten the mental entity until its voice drowned my thoughts and even my own verbal exclamations. My ears were clogged with the demonic laughter and I started to feel faint, my own eyes glazed with horror. It suddenly ceased when the door to the gymnasium opened and the masked boy peeked his head inside the room. Like activating a light switch, I instantly became aware of my environment and the situation. I never noticed the obscure darkness that clouded my vision, but it started to fade away as Robin entered.

"Did you take care of everything?" he asked innocently. "Wanna start again?"

I refocused on Robin, trying to appear relaxed, although I choked on my words. I had to blink quickly to eliminate the accumulation of tears on my disturbed, violet irises.

"Yeah," I said breathlessly. "I'm ready to practice again."

* * *

The rest of the lesson went by smoothly, much to my relief. It took a while to perfectly mirror Robin's posture during offensive moves, but it didn't take long for us to be fighting once again. Robin increased the level of difficulty, but after each successful punch, I began to understand the concept. Towards the end of the session, Starfire came by to deliver a tray of midday snacks for me and Robin. I was so fatigued that I generously accepted the mug of herbal tea with only a nod of my head to express my gratitude.

"Well done!" she complimented us as she dispersed the dishes that she had prepared. "You have earned these as the reward."

"Thanks, Star," said the masked boy, taking a long swig on the water bottle. "I think we made some big progress."

"I'd say so too," I agreed.

"A whole week went by," he continued. "I can't wait to see how much you've improved at the obstacle course."

We all ate the meager lunch that Starfire had served and then the tangerine girl and I began the next training session together, our prime focus dedicated to the art of advanced teleportation. About twenty minutes into the review, the green jewel on Starfire's metal collar started to blink, emitting an alarm. Starfire withdrew her T-communicator, as she had recently called it, and flipped it open. Cyborg's face appeared on the circular screen.

"Bad news, Star," he said in defeat. "We gotta go now."

"Now?" she asked in disbelief.

"Trouble," he explained. "We don't know what set it off but it's nothing good. Can ya get down here to the T-car? Everyone's coming."

"But what about Raven?" Starfire wondered. "What will we be doing?"

"What's going on?" I asked, but I was never acknowledged.

"Sorry," said Cyborg. "But I guess we're all going in on this one. Robin's orders, ya know."

"I understand. I shall arrive shortly."

"And find that little Grass Stain too, will ya? I've been calling his butt for hours but he's not picking up. Last time I saw him, he was messing around in the kitchen. Can ya check?"

"Yes. Right away, Cyborg."

"I owe ya one. Thanks again."

Starfire glanced at me before returning to the device in her hand. She shut it off and stashed it away, her face grim with defeat. She seemed more upset than me about the interruption.

"I am truly sorry about this," the alien sighed. "I hate to have you stay at the Tower without us."

"Your job again?" I said, to which she nodded. "Not surprised. You guys are always in a hurry."

"Our duty is required," Starfire told me. "It is what it is. When I return, we shall continue the training."

"Take your time," I assured her. "Not like I have anything else going on today."

Starfire took flight and she was about to fly out of the room when she stopped herself. I could physically see her mental debate before she mustered the courage to speak.

"You deserve the rest, Friend Raven," she announced at last. "Please enjoy this day and the next to your own preference. We shall end the training early for this end of the week."

"Really?" I asked her, almost in disbelief. "Are you sure?"

"Of course! Think nothing of it, Raven. You have more than earned it. Now I best be off to find Beast Boy!" she squealed as she left the room with haste.

The unexpected alteration had clearly overwhelmed me with excitement. I found myself doing something that I rarely did; I was smiling. Ever since the training started, I've only dreamed of the weekend. As productive they were, it wasn't exactly entertaining to me. However, this established break had expanded my timed opportunities greatly. My day was now completely free of events, not to mention the next day the weekend as well! I was so distracted by my passion that I ended up phasing right through the door and onto the elevator, clutching the journal I had brought along tightly to my chest.

_I don't know what to do first!_ I thought hysterically.

_I'm interested in the books in your library,_ said one entity. _Those spells and rituals would be a boisterous activity._

_We should play a game!_ enthused another.

_How about a nap?_ asked a yawning voice._ Haven't had one of those in a while..._

_I can't even make up my mind!_ I told myself. _I just can't believe that they're letting me relax. I finally get some free-time!_

I was so distracted that I swiftly exited the platform on the wrong level. The hallway seemed familiar since it was very similar to the corridor that I share with Starfire. There were four different doors and they each belonged to one of the male members of the Titans, plus an extra chamber designed as a bathroom. Although I've only entered this section of the Tower once before, just to briefly speak with Beast Boy, I had a basic understanding of where I was and I started down the hallway, heading in the direction of my bedroom.

As I strode past a recognizable doorway, I sensed a presence that I failed to immediately recognize. I immediately stopped and inspected the door because I was confused.

_I thought the Titans were all downstairs,_ I thought. _Why would anyone be up here?_

Although I wasn't obliged to investigate, curiosity drew me towards the door like a moth to a flame. The unlocked door slid away upon detecting my movements and I entered the room, which I had presumed to be Beast Boy's upon witnessing it's messy and untidy interior. However, it was a huge mistake.

I released a shrill squeal when a large amount of water fell from the ceiling. It came from a perfectly placed bucket–obviously prepared as a trap–and I fell for it. My limbs became rigid as if the water had frozen my joints. My hair was plastered to my face and my clothes were glued to my body, becoming more of a fabricated, transparent window rather a cloak to conceal my features. To make matters worse, Beast Boy then emerged from his hidden location, only to be taken back by the agitated, wet demoness who stood in the doorway. Beast Boy reeled as he watched me gasp for air. He seemed just as surprised as I was.

"R- Raven?" he asked me in disbelief.

"Beast Boy?" I countered back, clearly appalled to discover his presence here as well. "_You_ did this?"

"I- well, no but I- I thought you were-?"

"Why?" I demanded.

The green changeling tried to protest but I didn't let him finish; "No! I mean _why_ did you do that to me? Why would you-?!"

"I had no idea it was you, Raven!" he pleaded. "Please don't get mad! I didn't mean it. I- I swear I didn't!"

I looked down in disgust at myself, trying to regulate my elevated breathing pattern. My clothes nearly absorbed the several gallons of water that was dumped on me. My feet stood uncomfortably in a puddle of my own filth, and not too far away from it, my book rested awkwardly on its spine. I didn't even realize that I had dropped it until I saw the tattered remains of my novel.

I slowly bent down and retrieved it, trying to suppress the tears that pricked my agitated eyes. The guilt seemed like a poison Beast Boy; his anecdote would've been to assist the situation with a proper solution, but I refused to relieve his pain and suffering.

"Here," he said, approaching me. "Maybe I can-"

As the pea-green boy reached for the book, I jerked it away from him and hugged it close to me, giving him a glare that made his ears droop in embarrassment. With that, Beast Boy remained motionless and could only watch me in utter silence as I inspected the damage.

I turned the jet-black journal over and over in my pale hands, which trembled violently from panic and the exposure of frigid water. The cover was severely waterlogged and large droplets of water rained from the book as I gingerly opened it. The fragile binding that held the genuine leather had dismantled itself, causing soggy bundles of leaflets to collapse to the floor. The paper cried tears of ink and graphite as I browsed through whatever pages I could turn, but no matter how careful I was, each page seemed to disintegrate in my hands. I couldn't make sense of what was written anymore. My delicately crafted words were now smeared and smudged, drowned from the water. I could practically feel my emotions trying to penetrate my mental barriers.

"You hafta believe me…"

"I don't have to believe _anything_ you say," I interrupted him, refusing to show him my hurt expression. "My book is...it's ruined. It's _ruined_, Beast Boy."

"Raven…"

"Everything was in here. Everything I wrote, everything I learned…weeks, months, of my life was put into here and..."

"Raven, please…"

"And it's gone. It's all gone. Everything is just gone."

It was then we heard a distance voice repeatedly calling for Beast Boy. Sure enough, Starfire was gliding down the hallway when she unexpectedly encountered us. She entered Cyborg's room then hesitated upon the sight in the entryway. Starfire gazed at me with astonished eyes, her hands covering her mouth.

"Friend Raven?" she gasped. "Why are you all wet?"

"It was the bucket that I set up there," said Beast Boy. "But it was supposed to be a prank on Cy! I didn't even think Raven would come here!"

"We have been searching everywhere for you, Beast Boy," Starfire exclaimed. "How could you do such a thing!"

"It wasn't my fault! I mean, yeah I did it, but I didn't want Raven to get caught. I just- I don't know! I messed up!"

"How could it be a good time for the pranks? Robin has summoned us for a mission!"

"Well I had no idea!" Beast Boy explained.

"The T-communicator?" Starfire said.

"I didn't answer 'cause I wanted Cy to get suspicious and come after me. It was the perfect setup! I didn't know that he sent you instead and that Raven would come by…"

Starfire noticed the withered book in my hand and she instantly started to worry. I could sense her carefully monitoring my appearance, as if she was awaiting for me to succumb to my emotions. I had opened the inside cover of the book and I withdrew something that made my heart contort: the rose. My fingers held up the malnourished stem, which bent in half. Feeble petals majestically tumbled to the floor, leaving the once lively plant naked. Tears swelled within my eyes as my lips puckered.

"Raven," the green-sclera alien whispered.

"I don't want to hear it," I muttered in return, choking on my words.

"Please…"

"No!"

"Raven, allow me to-"

I didn't give Starfire a chance to finish her sentence. In one swift motion, I slammed the destroyed journal and the murdered flower onto the floor and fled from the room, evading the oncoming tears. I heard Beast Boy cry my name in despair but I had already disappeared into a portal that delivered me to my bedroom. As soon as my dark energy evaporated, I broke down into a long and painful catharsis.

* * *

I confined myself within the isolated chamber for ages, desperately concealing my emotional trauma. Each sob made my diaphragm jump inside my hollow chest. Tears dribbled down my face in endless streams, causing my cheeks to blush. I didn't even bother to change out my wet clothes. I huddled next to my bed on the floor and leaned against the mattress, crying and shivering without a cease. A puddle of excess water from my garments accumulated around me, but I had no motivation to provide comfort for myself. I was in no mood to be tolerated and I made sure to evade as much social interaction as I could. Numerous visitors had persistently arrived outside my door to request an appearance. However, I didn't even consider to allow entrance.

Robin was the first to attend without an invitation and he ended up visiting a few times. He would knock and patiently wait for an answer, although he knew it was in vain. Eventually, he would knock again and politely beckon me to cooperate. It did pain me to ignore his innocent consideration, but I still refused to answer. The silence eventually drove him away and not much later, Starfire would come by and softly knock as well. She pleaded more than Robin and actually preached these long, sympathetic speeches that was meant to comfort me. Even then, I didn't utter a word. Cyborg tried a new tactic to lure me out of the solitude of my dank bedroom. He tried to coax me out by delivering a platter of food. He stood outside my door and playfully taunted me, although I didn't have the humor to laugh at his witty jokes. After a long period of inactivity, Cyborg did leave the platter on the doorstep for me to retrieve but I didn't touch it. The door was to stay closed.

They each came by at different points of the day, insisting for me to emerge from my bedroom. I was irritated by their efforts as the day progressed and by the time my seventh visitor knocked on the door, I had had enough. I finally exploded in anger.

"Go away!" I shouted. "I don't want to talk to anyone or hear whatever you have to say. I don't care who it is. I told you guys to leave me alone, now GO AWAY!"

I sat back against my bed, excessively sniffing when I heard a meek, pre-puberty voice answer.

"It's only me, Raven."

"Back from your job so soon?" I snarled.

"Actually, we never left," Beast Boy answered. "We sent the Titans East instead."

_Oh great,_ I thought._ They stayed for me. Well that was a dumb idea._

_And they truly seem to care,_ said an affectionate voice.

_It only makes me a greater burden to them…_

I was too tired to ask them about the Titans East, although I had it mentally noted; "What do you want?" I called through the door, crossing my arms in disgust.

"I came to say sorry," said Beast Boy. "I know how much that journal meant to you and I feel terrible about what happened. I never wanted to see you like this, especially if it's 'cause of me."

"That journal was everything to me," I told him, smearing my wet cheeks with my hands. "Everything that I wrote down was important. It could've been the difference between curing my amnesia or living with it for the rest of my life. Without it, I feel so...I just feel like I have nothing now."

"You _have_ something," Beast Boy replied. "You have us, remember?"

"You don't get it," I barked at him. "You humiliated me and ruined everything I had. My dreams, my memories…"

"The rose."

I sighed deeply as I remembered the delicate keepsake. More tears sprang into my eyes and I had to stifle a sob. My shoulders jerked as I tried to contain my whimpers.

"You know I would never do something like that to you, right?"

"I don't know," I admitted dismissively. "I don't know you well enough to know that…"

"But can you ever forgive me?"

"I can forgive you," I stated firmly. "But I don't think I can ever forget what you did."

"Well, I'm sorry, Raven," said the green changeling. "You know I am, and I can't blame you for thinking that. I don't think I can forgive myself either."

"It's okay," I croaked, swallowing the knot in my throat. "It's not like I need it anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"I used it to record my dreams," I responded. "But it's not like I needed to write them down to remember them. They scare me so much that I can never forget, no matter how much I try."

"Then why did you keep it with you?" he pressed on. "After all this time, why would you still want it?"

My answer shattered like ice; "I don't know," I croaked. "I guess it's because I put so much emotion and pain and evil stuff into it but, at the same time, it gives me comfort. It gives me closure. It's like, there was so much evil within it, but it also one of the nicest things I had. It didn't even matter that it was filled with foul memory; I considered it as something that was good."

Beast Boy was quiet for a moment as he thoughtfully digested my speech. I could sense a cocktail of his somber emotions; guilt, worry, fear and depression. I could've read his mind and feelings like a book.

"I know how upset you were earlier and I hate to see you like this. I wanna do something to make it up to you, anything I could do."

"There's no need," I said.

"I don't wanna stand here and listen to you cry, Raven. It upsets me more than you think. I just wanna cheer you up. I want you to be happy with us again."

After a prolonged period of silence, I activated the door to slide open and I found Beast Boy standing there, his head bowed as he spoke. I wiped away the remains of tears upon my face and offered him a weak smile.

"What did you have in mind?" I asked him, to which he smiled softly in return.

"Redemption."

* * *

"So you want me to do what again?"

"Weren't you listening?"

"I stopped listening as soon as you started speaking…"

"Well that was nice of you," Beast Boy remarked with a sly grin.

"I'm just that nice of a person," I replied with the same level of sarcasm. "But, in all honesty, don't you think Cyborg will get mad about this?"

"Why do you think that?"

"Well, I would get mad if someone purposely pranked me," I answered.

"I'll remember that," said Beast Boy ominously as he gazed down the hallway.

The pitch of his voice made it hard to decipher whether or not Beast Boy meant it. Even using my empathetic abilities proved to be difficult to find an answer. Either way, I was well-aware of Beast Boy's tricks and was prepared to evade them too.

"In fact," I continued. "I would be pretty upset. And I was upset about earlier today, in case you haven't noticed, Beast Boy."

"I know, and I'm sorry Raven," he said, becoming apologetic. "But I told you! I put it in my room 'cause I thought he'd come for me and I swear it wasn't meant for you. I'm just trying to make it up to you! Don't you wanna make things right, too?"

"Like some sort of humiliating revenge?"

"It'll be funny," the green changeling insisted persuasively. "We do this to each other all the time. Besides, he got me good the other day, not to mention what happened today when my prank on him failed. I gotta return the favor, if ya know what I mean…"

"But I don't think he'll like it if I help," I argued dismissively.

"No way Cy would do that. He always loves a good joke."

"Not that I have any," I mumbled to myself.

_She can't even take a joke,_ a cruel voice added.

_Thanks for the input,_ I thought.

_You're always welcome, Raven._

"Alright," the pea-green boy whispered excitedly. "It's go-time. Cy'll be here any second! You ready for this?"

"Not really."

"It's okay if you feel anxious. You know what to do."

"I could get in trouble, Beast Boy!" I cried in a hushed voice.

"From who?" he challenged me. "Cyborg? Robin? It's not like you're gonna get punished or something; we're _friends_ not your parents."

I cringed when he mentioned the word _parents_ right in front of me. Although I was offended by the remark, and I never considered them as friends anyway, I didn't like to be reminded of my familial history.

"Don't you dare talk about me like that," I ended up saying, giving Beast Boy a little swat. "You don't see me making fun of your family!"

"Family?" Beast Boy repeated, obviously confused.

"Just because you have better parents than me doesn't mean you have to make a joke out of it."

"Wait!" he hushed me. "Your family? So...you remember?"

"Of course I know my own parents," I snorted. "But I never considered Trigon as my father anyway; the monks of Azarath are my family and for the record, they never punished me, which you apparently think is hilarious…"

"But your amnesia," the green changeling started, tripping over his persistent statements. "I thought you...but you didn't know us! You didn't even know your own name! How could you-?"

I raised a quizzical eyebrow at him. He seemed to be getting more and more flustered each time he opened his mouth. He snapped out of it as soon as metal feet started to punch the ground.

"Cyborg!" he whispered urgently. "Forget it: he's coming. We gotta be fast or we'll miss him!"

"He's going to hate me for this," I muttered as I prepared myself, focusing on my emotions to gather energy.

"He's in the hallway!"

"I know. I can sense him, Beast Boy."

"Get ready!"

"Relax! We got time."

"Go go go! Hurry!"

"Now?"

With that, Beast Boy gave me a shove out into the hallway, disengaging my camouflage. I staggered forward, nearly tripping over my own feet, but when I turned around to glare at Beast Boy, he had secluded himself to the shadows to remain hidden. A bucket of iced water was beside him.

"Raven?"

"Oh, hi Cyborg," I greeted breathlessly, giving him an enthusiastic wave. "Didn't see you there!"

_Tone down the friendliness a little, will ya?_ snickered a voice.

_I'm trying to be casual,_ I countered back.

_More like awkward…_

"Yeah, uh, me either," said Cyborg as he eyed me curiously. "Didn't know ya left your room. Everything okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah it's fine. Totally fine. I just needed to mediate, that's all."

Cyborg nodded, although he appeared suspicious by my nonchalant nature. He noticed my partially-wet and wrinkled garments, obviously the outcome of Beast Boy's prank. The mechanical man wasn't easy to fool. As he spoke, my eyes drifted upwards just slightly. I had to focus immensely to open the minute portal above his head. Another was morphed into the floor beside Beast Boy, who prepared the bucket.

"Okay. Well, anyway, is something bothering ya? You seem a little…"

"Tense?" I joked, stifling a nervous chuckle.

"Yeah…?"

Cyborg looked over his shoulder as if expecting someone. I could tell that he was wary of the situation.

"Have ya seen BB around?" he asked me. "That kid outta be saying sorry to ya."

"Oh don't worry. He already did."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh!" I answered, becoming anxious. "We talked for a while and ended up making a little agreement."

"About what?"

It was then a cascade of water fell from the portal above Cyborg's head. He immediately reacted and tried to shield himself from the attack, but he was too late. The mechanical man stood in a puddle of frigid water, panting from the adrenalin as I watched with awe. I closed the portal as Beast Boy revealed himself from around the corner.

"About THAT!" the green changeling cackled.

Beast Boy then danced around, stamping his feet in excitement as he paraded about the corridor. He gazed at me with wide eyes, pointing at the mechanical man; "Did you see it? Did you see how _perfect_ it was?" he asked me energetically.

"I must've blinked," I replied sarcastically, although I wore an approving smirk. "But I think it was successful."

"It was AWESOME!" he enthused, prancing in circles around me. "I can't believe you did it! You got him better than I could've!"

Beast Boy then ran up to Cyborg. He was dripping onto the floor and he occasionally jumped from a sudden jolt of electricity, but he was otherwise unharmed. However, that didn't mean he was happy.

"Can't believe it," he murmured. "Grass Stain _and_ Raven! If I'd known this, I would have Robin and Star to back me up!"

The green changeling's laughter filled the hallway, as well as Cyborg's deep chuckle, and I could physically feel the restraints in my chest alleviate. A broad smile stretched across my face as I watched Beast Boy make fun of Cyborg, who in turn tried to taunt him back. He was utterly humiliated, but Cyborg couldn't help but compliment our teamwork.

_I think I redeemed myself,_ I thought triumphantly.

_I think you've more than redeemed yourself,_ an entity replied.

* * *

**Author's Note: **And that should be good enough for now ;D I'll update again in two weeks! Cya then!


	15. A Victorious Weekend

**Author's Note: **Honestly, it's been a busy weekend. I had this Edgar Allan Poe paper to write and I also had to finish another chapter before I posted this so yeah that was kinda a stress :( but it was SUCH a relief when I finished it tho :) and hey! It's almost Thanksgiving! So, once again, thank you guys for reading and I hope you like it :) Happy Holidays and Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary: **Raven is learning martial arts pretty fast with Robin, but controlling her abilities is another problem to manage. When she tries to meditate, she has a frightful experience with her Emoticlones. Although she is aware of their influence, Raven doesn't quite understand the value and meaning they have to herself. Her suspicion only seems to upset them more, especially when it comes to the darker Emoticlones. After ending the lesson early, Raven is released and she goes upstairs to relax. That's when she is mistakenly caught in the middle of a prank that Beast Boy had set up for Cyborg, ruining Raven's journal in the process. The grudge lasted a while but eventually, Raven found the courage to forgive the green changeling. She even helped him prank Cyborg to get revenge for his Beast Boy's mistake. Raven has forgiven Beast Boy, but she reminds herself to never forget too.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 15: _A Victorious Weekend_

Upon the arrival of the weekend, knowing that I had a malleable schedule with which to work, I was eager to finally enjoy some time to myself. After a whole week of laborious training and exercise, I was pretty exhausted, not to mention the events from the previous night that had only increased my levels of stress. I still mourned the loss of my journal, although I accepted Beast Boy's numerous apologies. Without the book, I felt like a child who had lost her precious doll and I was more than willing to weep over it. However, I knew that I couldn't lament over the past; no amount of tears could ever resurrect my lost memories. All I could do now was forgive, but I promised myself to never forget.

That Saturday morning, I happened to wake up from a disturbing dream. It wasn't a dream that was utterly horrifying that it forced me into consciousness, but I did qualify it as a minor nightmare. I had a difficult time trying to recount it, even though my nocturnal visions were vivid with pastel colors. All I could remember from it now was that I was running. In the dream, I was familiar with the environment and I was aware that I was being pursued, but it didn't make any sense to me anymore. There were numerous buildings, enormous towers that seemed to stretch into the sky, which had grown ill with twilight. The road beneath my feet was freshly paved, yet it was vacant of cars and other pedestrians. I didn't stop running for whatever reason I had until something caught my foot and brought me down. It was when I felt the impact did I stir awake.

_Too bad I don't have my journal,_ I thought as I emerged from my bed. _It would've come in handy._

_At least you remember some of it,_ encouraged a thoughtful entity.

_As scary as it was, I don't think I'll always remember it..._

After I had dressed into comfy attire, I took the elevator to the Main Ops room, only to discover that the Titans were nowhere to be seen. I entered the kitchen to make myself some breakfast but when I reached the machine to brew my herbal tea, I found a hastily scribbled note near my favorite mug. It was signed by Cyborg.

"Out on a mission," it said. "We'll be back soon. Stay out of trouble."

_Figures,_ I told myself. _They're gone again for their "job" or whatever._

_And they have the decency to call it a "mission" instead!_

I crumpled up the letter and discarded it into trash as took a sip of the fragrant, vanilla tea. I couldn't declare that I was furious, but I wasn't exactly pleased about it either. That meant I had the whole Tower to myself during the birth of the weekend, but I had no clue what I intended to accomplish. In fact, I ended up wasting my time with unproductive activities to prevent boredom, even though it was evident that I was disinterested in each of them anyway.

I went to my bedroom where I meditated for no more than twenty minutes. With my emotions in check, I tried rummaging through my library for a couple of good books to read. I happened to find a few extensive volumes that caught my attention, but the spells were very difficult to replicate. Of the many that were indicated, they were either missing a few components or required rare ones. I decided to perform them later when my ingredients and materials were more complete, but that still left me with nothing to entertain myself.

It was a quarter to noon by then, so I made myself a meager lunch. Although the kitchen was stocked with goods, I had a hard time deciding on an appetizing meal that wouldn't require much time and work or would result in a large mass of dishes. Eventually, I had some vegetable soup made from the microwave and afterwards, I took a long shower, even though I had already taken one recently. I dried my hair and changed into clean clothes again, but by then, I couldn't think of what else to do except relax until the Teen Titans came back.

It wasn't until the late afternoon, when evening approached to signal the end of the day, did they return to the Main Ops room with low spirits. They trudged through the entrance, exhausted and weathered from physical activity. Starfire didn't even bother to fly into the room; she, too, was shuffling with heavy feet. I happened to be lounging on the nearby couch, sitting with my head hanging off the cushioned seat as I flipped through the channels to find a suitable TV show. We were all startled to see each other.

"What happened?" I asked the unsupervised teenagers as they filed into the room. "You guys look beaten."

It was then I happened to notice the green slime that unevenly coated their garments. Each of the Titans appeared as if they had bathed in a sticky mucous and their scent wasn't anymore appealing either. Cyborg was the first to speak.

"Bugs," he muttered with disgust. "And lots of them."

Starfire collapsed onto the couch with a sigh and I jolted upright to meet her. The alien's flaming hair was tattered and tangled with the goo. It only seemed to distinguish her natural beauty, as well as her gleeful attitude.

"I am _not_ happy about this," she declared. "I smell worse than the breath of a _Snervian blork worm_!"

After timidly sniffing the tainted air around her, I couldn't help but agree with Starfire, even though I had no idea what creature she was referencing. I could only assume that it smelled horrible.

"And I cannot find the dryer for my hair!" she sighed. "Without it, I may never remove the goo. Has anyone seen it?"

When nobody replied, Starfire only sank deeper into the couch.

"This crap is everywhere!" Cyborg ranted. "Just look at what we're tracking! We're messin' up the Tower!"

"At least you didn't taste it!" Beast Boy argued back. "One got in my mouth, dude! It tastes worse than meat!"

"I agree," said Starfire. "It does not taste like the pink goo that me and Silkie just adore."

It was then the green-eyed girl swiped a dollop of slime with her finger and stuck it into her mouth. I winced as she consumed the foul excrement and Starfire immediately spat out whatever was left on her tongue. She shook her head in defeat.

"Not even Silkie would like it," she added.

"Get it together, Team," announced the leader, who was also drenched in the slime. "We haven't won yet. We still got work to do."

"We lost his trail, man," the mechanical man said as he sat on the crescent-shaped couch beside me. "Give it a day, will ya?"

Robin then swabbed the slime from his clothes and inspected it between his fingers. He seemed distraught from the situation: "This change can't be good. Maybe we should run some tests."

"And while you dudes do that, I'll run a bath," said Beast Boy, but he sprinted away before anyone could interfere.

"I, too, could use the bath," Starfire mumbled. "Can we not rest a day?"

"You guys can," Robin replied. "But I'll keep working."

"Robin," the alien pleaded, but Robin had already strode away, leaving us in an uncomfortable silence.

"What's it with him?" I wondered. "Why is he always so..._determined_...to work?"

"You see it too, huh?" Cyborg asked me, to which I shrugged. "Nah, don't worry 'bout it. He acts like this all the time."

"Like his job is more important than anything else?"

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"I fear for him," Starfire said quietly. "He acts as such during stressful times."

"Which is _all_ the time."

"Doesn't sound like fun," I mumbled.

"Not even close," Cyborg agreed.

"But Robin does this so we can have the fun," said Starfire. "He does this so we can have the rest and not endure the worry. Without his leadership and guidance, we would be lost and oblivious to our enemies."

"And he can't take a joke," Cyborg snickered.

"He can enjoy the jokes!" Starfire debated in defense. "He is just too busy to do the pranks like you and Beast Boy!"

"I'll agree with that," he said as he rose from his seat. "Anyways, are any of y'all hungry? I'm making waffles."

"But it's nearly time for dinner," I reminded him.

"Don't ya think I know that?"

The mechanical man winked at me before he happily trotted into the kitchen. I called after him as I heard the rustling through the cabinets to find the proper dishes and ingredients.

"Make sure you wash your hands. I'm not eating waffles with snot all over it."

* * *

The night dragged on but I hardly had the impulse to rest. Deprived of sleep but disinterested in entertainment, boredom acted as an illness to me. No matter what I did, I couldn't find anything that would keep me satisfied and active. I couldn't achieve relaxation or productive activities; the crossroads that I was at wouldn't allow me to travel either way.

_I've been waiting forever for this weekend,_ I had told myself. _But there's nothing for me to do! And now I'm waiting for the week to start up again so I CAN do something!_

_There's just no way to win!_

Dawn arrived with warm regards, but my attitude remained negative. Since I was cranky from the previous night, everything seemed to annoy me. I was so irritable that when I lumbered into the Main Ops room to retrieve some tea, I got upset when I was greeted.

"Ain't you gonna say 'morning' back?" Cyborg asked me in a fake offended tone. "That's kinda harsh…"

"Maybe it's the waffles, Cy," Beast Boy joked from across the room. "You forgot to wash your hands, didn't ya? She's never gonna forgive you for it."

"I'm just tryin' to be nice, BB!" he said. "Quit making fun of me! Besides, you liked my waffles the best."

"'Til I figured out the secret ingredient…"

"I'm sorry," I sighed, trying to enjoy their brotherly humor. "I'm just not really in a good mood. I didn't mean to be rude…"

"I get ya," Cyborg replied sympathetically. "No hard feelings. Rough night?"

"You have no idea."

I collapsed into a chair and hunched over my steaming mug to inhale the brew. I gingerly sipped the beverage as the other Titans began to enter the room. Robin seemed preoccupied while Starfire appeared to be dreading something. They were in the midst of a conversation.

"You don't hafta come if you don't wanna, Star," Robin continued as he observed her distress.

"But you simply cannot go alone, Robin," Starfire pleaded. "Although I am not happy about this, I shall support you as best as I can."

"If it's too much to ask, just hang out here. I'll be fine."

"I will not allow you to go unless you have the company. What if there is trouble?"

"The last thing I want is for you to be miserable, Star. I'll be okay by myself. It's probably for the best anyway."

"What's going on, y'all?" the mechanical man interrupted as he joined the discussion. "It's too early to be plannin' something like this."

"Big lead," Robin quickly informed him. "I got the details late last night and I think we're finally making some progress."

Cyborg gave him a skeptical glance; "Ya sure?" he wondered. "'Cause last time it was another dead end. You know we can't celebrate over every clue we get."

"But I'm sure of it this time," Robin persuaded him. "This might be our only chance. I got the information when I was searching through our data and it seems hopeful."

"But I am worried that this could be a trap," Starfire added woefully. "If Robin is to go alone, something terrible may happen. I could never forgive myself if you were to get hurt by my negligence."

Robin paused as he digested the alien's passionate speech. He swallowed hard before he continued to speak to Cyborg: "Something like this won't come around again. We can't miss it, even if it's possible that I'm walking into a trap. I appreciate you for wanting to help, Star, but I don't think I could ever forgive myself if you got hurt too."

"You're exhausted, Robin," the mechanical man told the masked boy sternly. "Going out with 2 hours of sleep under that belt of yours won't be any good."

"What else am I supposed to do?" Robin argued desperately. "We can't just keep waiting for something to happen! Every little thing could help us. You can't expect me to ignore my first lead in months, Cy."

"Then how 'bout me and Star go instead? You worked your butt enough already. You need the rest more than us."

"Thanks, Cyborg, but I can't miss something like this."

"I'm serious, Robin. You shouldn't hafta do all of this by yourself. Lemme go with Star. We'll take care of it."

"You think so?" Robin inquired stiffly.

"Don't worry," said Cyborg as he clapped him on the shoulder in a friendly way. "It won't be a problem. We'll be in and out in no time."

"Should I come too?" Beast Boy called meekly from across the room.

"No need, BB. Besides, we need someone to watch Robin to make sure he doesn't follow us."

"Thanks for remembering me," I retorted sarcastically.

"Did ya'll hear that?" Cyborg joked as he held up a hand to his mechanical ear.

Everyone started to laugh, including me, although it was merely a chuckle. I didn't mean to be funny, even though Cyborg treated it as a joke.

"Just send me the coordinates on the T-communicator," the mechanical man said once the laughter had discontinued. "We'll be sure to scope it out thoroughly."

"Alright. Thanks again, Cy," Robin replied. "I owe you one."

"Not a problem. Let's get to it, Star."

Cyborg nodded with a grin and then turned to the floating girl. He gestured to the door and then started to walk away. She agreed obediently but she waited a moment after Cyborg took off to briefly speak with Robin. He seemed vaguely uncomfortable.

"Be safe," he told her firmly.

"Only if you shall do the same," she answered with a hint of sincerity in her voice.

And with that, those two Titans departed from the room, traveling to a destination that was unknown to me. Beast Boy slumped back in his seat and Robin sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. He checked his T-communicator, quickly mailed a digital message to Cyborg and then stashed it away in his pocket. He seemed clueless to what he would do next. I deemed that it was the best time for me to speak.

"Robin? Are you doing anything later?"

"Not anymore," he replied with a little shrug. "What's up?"

"I was just wondering if you could help me with something," I said, nervously playing with my hands. "I need somebody to watch me."

"Watch you do what?" Beast Boy asked, wanting to be involved.

"I want to run the course again," I announced. "But I don't know how to work it."

"The _course_?" Robin asked me in disbelief.

"Yeah. The one I did not too long ago? That one?"

"Wait, so you really wanna do it again?"

"Please don't make me beg," I sighed, feeling insecure.

"No no it's fine, but are you sure? I don't wanna make you do something that you wouldn't like."

"I'm _asking_ you, Robin," I clarified. "I really want to try this again."

"I was just thinking that maybe we should give you some more time to prepare," Robin stalled. "After last time, I didn't want to push you like that ever again."

"I'm fine with it," I answered pleadingly. "Besides, I really have nothing better to do. I feel ready for it and I want to do it again. I've been meaning to anyway for a while now. But if I'm seriously bothering you and now's not a good time then just tell me…"

"No it's okay!" Robin quickly assured me. "I can get you in if you're up for it. I was just making sure."

"Well, can I? Please?"

"I don't see why not," Robin declared with a smile.

"Can I come too?" Beast Boy asked. "I really oughta give that course a spin again too."

"I guess I could use some more motivation than last time," I said.

"So you wanna beat your old score?" Robin chuckled.

"I want to beat_ more_ than my own score."

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Raven?"

"How many times are you going to ask me this?" I retorted.

"Like I said: I don't wanna push you too hard. It's better to start out easy and then work your way up."

"I'm ready for it, Robin. Start the countdown."

"You should complete Level 1 before you go on to Level 3; it's gonna be harder than what you've done before."

"I've been training for weeks, Robin," I argued. "Now please do this for me. I want to be challenged and this is the way to do it. I'm ready for it and if I'm not, then that's why you're here."

The masked leader of the Titans exhaled mournfully. I watched him tamper with the equipment that controlled the obstacle course for a moment and then he switched on the microphone.

"Good luck," he said in a booming voice.

_Won't need it,_ I thought with a determined smirk.

"FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE."

This time, when I heard the blast of the horn, the start of my race had been more punctual. My feet lept off the ground and I flew with great speed to the first obstacle, leaving behind a trail of dust in my wake. Since I never hesitated, I felt like I had a greater advantage than the last time I attempted the course. However, I knew that the differences between each level would be drastic. Level 3 most likely meant that I wouldn't be offensive; instead, it focused primarily more on defense.

As I safely began to levitate across the vast, seemingly-empty field, droids started to uncoordinatedly appear from the ground. Although they were a threat, I knew that I wasn't meant to destroy them. They seemed immune to my attacks, however, I worried about theirs.

"They will fire," Robin announced over the microphone. "But their blasts are harmless. Remember to protect yourself. Each shot that finds its mark will be a penalty of time."

Sure enough, the automated machines started to shoot at me. Their ammo was merely the hologram of a bullet, but if their sensors happened to contact me, I knew that my time would only increase. I had to act fast or else I would've suffer another defeat, which I wasn't willing to accept.

I established a sphere of dark energy around me, shielding myself from the oncoming attacks. The missiles ricocheted off my soul-self and I winced each time one was deflected. As I traveled forward, more and more ammunition was shot from the intelligent robots. I knew that my barrier wouldn't protect me forever so I fled as fast as I could off the field. But even as I exited the range of my enemies, my speed never decreased.

The doors were next my next challenge and knowing how fast they like to close, I made up my mind on how I could progress. I focused on my mantra and fueled my powers with my stable emotions. My body then morphed into a opaque yet volume-less state, allowing me to easily glide past each of the doors with ease. I barely even sensed that I was phasing through the solid constructs until I bypassed the last door, bringing me to the final obstacle: the pit.

I quickly inspected the environment before I deemed it safe to approach. My eyes suspiciously observed the droids who were awaiting the command to fire and the metal arches that hung overhead, no doubt wielding nets for my capture. I backed away to give myself some distance but Robin started to speak to me again.

"No flying," he told me. "This time, I want you to try something else."

Each pulse of my heart felt like a kick to my gut. I was breathing rapidly and the minor set-back was enough to make me panic.

"How else am I supposed to cross it?" I shouted at the stands. "Walking?"

Robin could only shrug but he urged me to continue: "Keep going! Don't stop!"

"I don't know what to do!" I exclaimed.

"You can do it, Raven!" Beast Boy hollered. "C'mon! This isn't bad!"

I glared at the obstacle. I was thinking frantically because time was competing against me. Eager to continue, I paced along the border of the pit to help me concentrate.

_Safest way to cross?_ I asked myself. _It's definitely flying._

_But then we would get penalized._

_Maybe it's the only way?_

_There's no time to think!_ my subconscious shrieked. _We have to hurry!_

_There has to be something else,_ I muttered. _There has to be something else I can do..._

And that's when the idea sparked in my head.

Using the black force from my hand, I created a compact, flat disk that hovered above the pit. My plan was to ride it across the deep obstacle, but I hesitated to board the platform, fearing that I would lose focus and plummet down to what lay below. I tested its strength with my foot before I uneasily stepped on the construct of dark-energy. Since I didn't have much more time to consider, I pushed off from the land and took flight, bracing myself for what dangers were ahead.

The platform was thin but it was sturdy, much to my relief. I steered it using my mental capabilities and at first, my movements were rigid and they often made me sway dangerously in the air. Eventually, I found an ideal balance as I progressed across the pit; I even started to levitate faster. It was like surfing, but instead of water, I was riding the current of the wind. However, as soon as more variables came into play, it made it much more difficult to stay steady.

Machines all around me started to activate. Nets from the square arches sprang into my path while droids started to attack my mode of transportation. I swerved back and forth, avoiding the traps and the harmless bullets. I dipped lower into the pit to evade the attacks but I had to steeply swing to the right when large barriers began to appear. Doing that, I narrowly fell off, but I used levitation to contradict the pull of gravity and keep me planted onto the disc. I was so satisfied with myself that the net took me completely by surprise.

There was a gasp from the audience. Robin leaned over the control booth to peer into the pit while Beast Boy jumped to his feet in alarm. My platform of dark energy had evaporated and my concentration had been shattered by the unexpected offense. I was heavily entangled in the net, enveloped in a constricting cage of rope. I tried to fight it, using hands that shaped my black power to break it, but the rope resisted. No matter how many times I tried to cut it, the net remained intact. I could hear Beast Boy frantically arguing with Robin from across the course.

"Where is she? What happened?"

"The net," Robin replied. "She's stuck in it again."

"Is she trying to escape? What's she doing?"

"She's definitely struggling, but the net isn't breaking."

"Is she hurt?" Beast Boy demanded in a worried tone. "I can't see her. What if she's calling for help?"

"She's not," said Robin. "But Raven's having trouble. The net is built to withstand her power, though."

"_What_?"

"It's the course!" Robin explained. "Everything is functioned as a challenge! Level 3 is about defense but it also involves weaknesses. I think they found hers."

I kicked the knots, trying to force an exit. I kept on blasting it with my dark energy, but it was getting hopeless. The rope was immune to my attacks, which meant that I was trapped in the flexible cage. Panic started to set in and I couldn't control my abilities anymore. I slumped backwards as I panted, my eyes darting everywhere for a miracle.

A droid popped out from one of the walls of the pit. It turned towards me with its mechanical eye and aimed its weapon, ready to fire. Curiosity made my eyes widen, my thoughts racing along my living circuitry.

_You found my weakness,_ I thought. _But I think I found yours._

I stuck my hand through the net and enveloped the droid in a field of my power. I wrenched the tiny opponent from the wall, causing it to die from the lack of electricity. It was brought to my extended hand and I pulled it inside the net with me, furiously trying to work. My fingers fumbled to decapitate its revolving head and then I pulled out the sheet of metal that coated its body, allowing me to disassemble the droid. Using my dark energy, I crushed and folded the metal several times, making it thicker yet small enough to grip in my hand. A triumphant smirk pulled across my face when I held up the finished product to inspect: a sharp, compacted blade.

_Well, this could work,_ announced a voice.

_Oh, it will,_ I answered mentally.

I reached upward and began to saw the rope that held up the net. Although it was unharmed by my powers, it sliced easily and the net broke open without a problem. I started to fall but I quickly formed another platform and I landed in a crouched position. Energized with the victory, I maneuvered my way around the protruding obstacles and soared upwards to greet the fresh air.

I steered myself to the end of the pit and I jumped to the ground, sprinting to the finish line with a wide smile. I passed the finish line and the clock stopped counting, erupting into a winning blast. My ears were clogged with the cheers from the male Titans who witnessed my race. Beast Boy nearly ran into me when he charged down the steps to congratulate me. Amidst the excitement, I glanced up at the clock to read my time.

My heart could've stopped.

I had completed the course in five minutes and sixteen seconds; it was now my personal best and to top it off, it wasn't too far away from the Titans' average time.

I was _more_ than happy; I was simply _elated_.

"Way to go, Raven!" the green changeling proclaimed. "That was awesome! You really had me there!"

"I- I don't believe it myself," I answered breathlessly. "I can't believe I did it. I finally did it!"

We both laughed, obviously too animated to make much sense. In fact, I was so overjoyed that I basically jumped into Beast Boy's arms, giving him a big hug. He was quite surprised himself, but he returned the embrace without hesitation. When I pulled away, he was mirroring my joyful expression, but his eyes were soft and tender, as if in a trance of remembrance. Robin then strolled up to us and we parted quickly.

"It was a great run, Raven," he said. "It's truly something to be proud of."

"Thanks! It really means a lot to me."

"We should celebrate," Beast Boy declared suddenly.

"Celebrate?" I repeated. "Really? Can we?"

"Yeah!" the pea-green enthused. "It's a big deal! Why not have a little fun?"

"I guess we could do something special, if it's okay…"

"And what exactly were you thinking?" Robin tested him, slightly interested in Beast Boy's suggestion.

Beast Boy merely smiled, his eyes leering at mine with a hint of mischievousness while his fang pulled back into a smile.

"Anyone up for some pizza?"

* * *

Starfire and Cyborg returned from their tedious endeavour in dismay but they halted in the doorway upon their arrival. The Main Ops room, although occupied by only three people, had the amplitude of a stadium full of screaming fans. A majority of the sound came from the stereos, but Robin, Beast Boy and I all contributed to the noise as well.

"What has been happening?" Starfire asked with wonder.

"It's a party!" Beast Boy cheered.

"Is it relevant to a _Blorthog_?"

"I guess you could say that," said Robin.

"Yo, man!" Cyborg argued. "Ya'll threw a party without me? And ya'll didn't bother waitin' or anything?"

"Oh, if only I had known!" the green-eyed alien sighed. "I would have attended sooner! I could have prepared a Tamaranean dish to serve!"

"Well, we do have pizza over here," I called as I held up a partially-eaten slice. "And there's plenty more where this came from!"

"You guys got pizza too?" Cyborg inquired. "I was only gone for a couple hours; what could've I missed?"

"More than you think," I snickered to myself.

Beast Boy heard my personal remark and he gave me a sly grin. He winked before beckoning the other Titans to attend the social event: "Are you dudes gonna join us or what? C'mon! We're just getting started!"

"Of course!" Starfire squealed.

"I'd just appreciate an invitation next time," said the mechanical man, although he didn't appear truly upset.

"And for what are we celebrating?" added Starfire, who gratefully accepted a sliver of pizza with her favorite beverage: a large bottle of mustard.

Robin then stood up and raised a can of soda in the air. We all mimicked his posture and even I held up my mug, allowing him to present his speech.

"We'll celebrate our successes," Robin announced. "And we'll celebrate our losses. Victories and failures. Perfection and mistakes. We'll celebrate the good and the bad, the black and the white, because without these, there will be no successes, there will be no losses. Without failures, there will be no victories. If we never lose, we can never win." Robin glanced at me approvingly. "So we'll celebrate our accomplishments and we'll celebrate our disappointments in hopes that we'll continue to improve, no matter the amount of our wins and losses. We'll celebrate what we've done and what we'll do together as long as we are a team! To the Titans!"

"The TITANS!" the rest of us shouted in glee.

Starfire raised her container of mustard while Beast Boy and Cyborg clinked soda cans in celebration and then everyone took a swig of their drink. After a large gulp of my tea, I happened to timidly hiccup, which hadn't gone unnoticed. I politely apologized, but I was interrupted by a large burp from Robin, who used the opportunity to impress the others. Cyborg, witnessing the competition, proceeded to belch louder and he was quite satisfied with himself until Starfire's gastral expulsion rattled the entire building. The Titans immediately burst into fits of laughter while I blushed, cupping my mug to my face.

_It's totally normal, right?_ a voice asked.

_I wouldn't have it any other way,_ I replied.

The "party" seemed to have lasted hours, but eventually, everyone started to go their separate ways. Beast Boy retired to his bedroom and Starfire dismissed herself to enjoy a long, rejuvenating shower. I was helping Cyborg tidy up the remains of the party with Robin. We had made quite a mess of the food so it seemed only fair to cooperate. I had placed another load of dishes into the sink and Robin was depositing a bag of trash into the garbage bin when Cyborg spoke up.

"Oh, and by the way, you're cleaning up tonight."

"Wait, what?" I clarified.

"I said you're cleaning," Cyborg told me.

"Yeah, but what do you mean by that?"

The mechanical man gestured to the stacks of dishes in the sink; "We all take turns doing the chores," he explained. "We've let you off easy for a long time now so it wouldn't hurt to get back to normal, huh?"

"I guess so," I mumbled, even though I despised the idea of adding another cleaning shift to my booked schedule.

"It's not so bad," the mechanical man assured me. "But you need to help us out too, ya know. It's 'bout time you pitched in."

"Well, I apologize for being so inconsiderate," I replied in a sarcastic tone. "No one told me that I had chores."

"Would've liked to keep it that way," Cyborg commented somberly. "But anyways, thanks. Night, Raven."

He then strode out of the room, walking side-by-side with Robin. I knew that they were going to have a discreet discussion about the mission, but I couldn't help but feel slightly interested. After all, I was simply intrigued by their work, even though they have yet to reveal it to me.

_I wonder what they did find,_ I thought curiously.

_And where they were sent by Robin._

_It seemed very important,_ added a voice.

_Obviously,_ another remarked.

_Just why is it such a secret?_ I said to myself. _Why won't they ever explain these kind of things to me, especially if it's so important?_

_Maybe it's because it's so important that it must be a secret kept from you._

_I'm not sure, but whatever it is, it better not be about me._

_That's a worthless prayer,_ said a pitiful entity.

Submitting to my orders, I approached the sink and switched on the hot water from the modern faucet. Even though I knew it was going to absorb whatever free time I had tonight, I began to clean the pile of dishes without complaint.

* * *

**Author's Note: **That's all for now and I'll cya real soon :D Stay safe until next time! Bye!


	16. Learning What I Already Know

**Author's Note: **Can you guys believe it? It's December, the holiday season, and *deep voice* _winter is coming. _That means snow and hot chocolate and a two-week vacation from school! The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies is coming out soon (I'm gonna die in a pool of my own tears) and Christmas is coming fast. This winter is going to be amazing and I seriously can't wait :D I'll still be posting prior to Christmas so I'm also excited for that and I hope everyone else is too :) Without further delay, enjoy the chapter!

**A Previous Summary: **Adjusting to a new lifestyle without her journal, Raven is relieved to have the weekend to focus on. The Titans leave for a mission early that Saturday morning and Raven is left alone with the Tower. At first, she's thrilled with the freedom, but it soon dissolves into a throbbing sense of boredom that only subsides as soon as the Titans return. The next day, Cyborg and Starfire agree to go out on a mission that initially Robin wanted to do himself. Not knowing what else to do, Raven asks Robin and Beast Boy to attempt the course again, much to their surprise. It was highly taxing and Raven nearly had a repeat of last time. If it weren't for her subconscious, she never would have prevailed. Her success inspired the masked boy and the green changeling to throw a little "party" for her and for the other Titans. They all celebrate late into the night and Raven gladly joins the social gathering, although afterwards, she couldn't help but question the fuss they were making earlier. Raven doesn't know exactly where Cyborg and Starfire had been but she suspects it's beyond something typical.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 16: _Learning What I Already Know_

Outside my window, the morning sky couldn't have been more flawless. The vacant atmosphere breathed as if it were alive, causing the ocean to rest and happily lap the shore in a calm manner. A perfect sunrise peeked over the distant horizon, shedding pure rays of light that could provoke a sunflower cry. These blessed conditions promised a clear day with little to no eventful weather, something that never directly associates with a depressed mood. In fact, this kind of rarity most often represents luck or good fortune, however, the morning was anything but pleasant.

I was disturbed and awoke fitfully due to an uncomfortable sensation in my belly. Naturally, I groaned and curled up on my side, clutching my throbbing stomach. It confused me to why I had such early cramps into the day until I happened to shift my legs and realize how unbelievably warm‒and _wet‒i_t was beneath the covers. I didn't need to lift the blankets and check to figure out what had happened.

Frantically, I jumped out of the ruined bed and made a mad dash for the bathroom, praying that no one was around to see me. I locked the door, pulled down my pants and nearly gagged at the sight of my drenched underwear.

_Why?_ I thought hopelessly. _Why now? Why did it have to be now?_

_Not like I had any say in this!_ a voice answered in defense.

I collapsed onto the toilet, nearly reduced to hopeless cries at the situation. My attempts to clean myself with toilet paper were fruitless and I couldn't wipe the stains off my underwear and shorts. It only seemed to blur and smear deeper into the fabric. The tall, bathroom cabinet was nearby and I tried leaning over to search the drawers for something useful but I didn't know what would be needed. There was just no way to solve the problem without help.

I needed someone to rescue me.

Not knowing what else to do or where to find the hygienic products, I sent a distressed call to Starfire. She was the only one who dwelled in the hallway; the male Titans lived on the same level but they were located farther from our rooms. I hoped that only Starfire would hear my pleas; I would succumb to stress and humiliation if another Titan answered me.

"Starfire! Starfire, please wake up! Please come get me! I need your help. Starfire? Are you there?"

Sure enough, not even a minute later, I heard a whirl of wind as Starfire approached the bathroom door while in flight. She knocked politely, even though she suspected that I was in the bathroom. Her voice was fueled by adrenaline since she was urgently aroused from slumber.

"Friend Raven? Is that you?"

"Yeah, I'm in here."

"I had presumed it was you, but I feared that there had been trouble. Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine, Starfire. I kind of panicked though. I didn't mean to scare you into coming for me."

"What happened?"

"I bled everywhere," I admitted shamefully. "I didn't even know that I was going to have it. I ruined my clothes and my bedsheets. I kind of made a mess wherever I went…"

"I see," Starfire said thoughtfully.

"I'm really sorry if I startled you. I just panicked and I couldn't help it."

"Say no more," she told me sternly. "There is nothing of which to be ashamed. Are any of the other Titans aware of this?"

"As far as I'm concerned, no."

"Perhaps you should clean yourself in the shower," proposed the alien. "As you do such, I shall retrieve new clothes for you in the meantime."

"Okay, if it isn't too much trouble for you."

"Not at all. Please take the time and I shall return shortly."

"Thanks, Starfire."

"You are most welcome," she responded before I heard her hurry away.

Obeying her advice, I carefully peeled off my clothes and stepped into the shower, turning the knobs to the highest setting. Endless amounts of blood dispersed down the drain with the cascades of scalding water. I didn't dare to exit until I had shamefully scrubbed myself thoroughly with soap and a sponge, and by then, I had spent nearly half an hour in the shower, inhaling the steam like an addictive drug. When I was drying myself with a spare towel, Starfire advised me of her arrival, along with the helpful supplies that she had rummaged around the Tower to bring to me.

We skillfully traded clothes through an opaque portal, which I had argued would be safer and more discreet rather than opening the door. While I retrieved a delivery of fresh garments, she accepted my dirty nightwear and left to dispose them at the laundry room. Along with the clean set of clothes, I also received feminine products and a tiny bottle of medication to help manage my period. I fitted the most comfortable pad to the new pair of underwear and I carefully dressed myself in front of the mirror. As instructed by the prescription, I swallowed a few pills with a paper cup of water to combat my cramps and minimize the pain in my abdomen. Starfire then returned and I allowed her to enter the bathroom since I was ready. She bore a smile that hoped to stimulate a similar one from me. I could only fake a grin in return, but that didn't mean I wasn't any less grateful.

"Thank you so much for this," I said first. "I don't know what I would've done without your help."

"It is no bother," she replied. "I will help any of my friends. It does not matter the time or the location."

"But you understand, right?"

"Of course!"

"I just didn't know," I said. "I honestly didn't. It didn't occur to me that I would get my period now. I can't even remember the last time I had it…"

"Much has happened between now and the past, Friend Raven."

I nodded in response. Starfire was considering something when there was a pause in the conversation. She then spoke up accordingly, no doubt in relation to her thoughts: "Would you mind if the training would be canceled for today?"

"I'm not that physically impaired," I snickered. "I can take a little work, Starfire."

"And I agree, but that is not the reason for my intentions."

"Then why would you suggest that?" I asked her suspiciously.

"Perhaps today should be more of an educational experience."

"Okay, but what exactly am I learning?"

"I would not describe it as such; yes, you will be learning, but it is not necessarily a skill, per say…"

"Just tell me already, Starfire!" I cried. "Please! Don't keep me waiting!"

"It is your Clones of Emotion," the alien declared at last. "Considering the previous events and the allotted time of your recovery, I believe it would be critical to finally be introduced to them."

"Now?" I asked her, slightly aghast.

"There is truly nothing wrong, Friend Raven."

"I know, I'm not. But why so sudden? Why now and not weeks ago when I had asked about them?"

"You are at your most vulnerable state," Starfire informed me.

"What do you mean? It's natural, isn't it?"

"Yes, but the effects may alter your current emotions..."

"Mood-swings," I uttered to myself.

"Precisely! The "swing" of the mood could be traced to the condition of your Clones of Emotion. It is a common response during menstruation."

"Okay okay," I dismissed her, feeling uncomfortable about the feminine subject. "I know what you're trying to say."

"Do you not wish to meet them?"

"Of course I do," I assured her.

"If you are truly uncomfortable, we can surely rearrange the schedule for another time."

"No, it's okay, Starfire. Really. It's just an..._awkward_...time, you know?"

"I understand."

"But don't get me wrong; I've been waiting a long time to find out who they really are and exactly how they impact me."

"You may be surprised, Friend Raven," Starfire said with a smile.

"I won't miss a chance like this," I told her. "I'll speak to them as soon as I can."

"Then let us not delay another moment."

* * *

I eagerly followed Starfire back to my bedroom, not knowing what to expect. I couldn't figure out how I was going to "meet" them exactly because I didn't know them well enough to connect. There was very little information that I could remember. I knew that they were apparently a part of me, as the Titans would always describe them. They influenced everything about me, including my character and my actions, and they were somewhat unstable so they constantly affect my emotions. That's the reason why I meditate on a daily basis: to alleviate the pain and distress that they can cause me if they aren't properly managed. I also knew that I could mentally communicate to them. They are directly linked to my consciousness and everything that goes on in there: thoughts, actions, speech, emotions, and even my own abilities. But I knew there was more about them.

_What more could I learn from them?_ I asked myself. _Will it change anything about me?_

_Why don't you find out?_ a mental entity responded mysteriously.

All I could do was hope for the best as we entered my privy room.

I immediately noticed that the bloodied sheets on my bed had been stripped away, no doubt discreetly shoved into the washing machine to remove the stains, along with my filthy clothes. Once again, I felt guilty for taking advantage of Starfire's assistance. Her maternal aura never dimmed during stressful situations, unlike my panicked antics.

_If this keeps up, you're gonna have to throw an apology party,_ said a voice.

_Nice one,_ chuckled another.

Starfire closed and locked the door behind us. She then walked to the center of the room and look around her, as if she was searching for something. I couldn't help but ask her a question.

"So, how does this work?"

"In all honestly, I am not quite sure," the green-sclera alien replied. "I have never done this before."

"But aren't we going into Nevermore?"

"No, I am afraid not. Without proper knowledge, Nevermore may be dangerous."

"Then how _is_ this going to work? How can I see them?"

"We shall begin with simpler methods of communication, Friend Raven."

"But I won't see them unless I'm in Nevermore, right? That's where they're embodied and nearly independent."

"Yes, but in my opinion, I would not recommend journeying to Nevermore unless you have a guide in your company."

"So why don't you come with me then?" I inquired.

"I cannot," Starfire admitted. "I have never visited Nevermore."

"Then how am I supposed to see them?" I asked frantically. "I thought today would be the day! I've been waiting to see them and now I can't?"

"And you shall meet your Clones of Emotion today," she said as she strode over to the box beside my bookshelf. "And you shall do so in the safest manner."

"And how's that?"

Starfire bent over and started to rummage around the inside of the box. She shoved some supplies away and even removed a few dusty articles to make it easier for her to search. After a couple seconds, the tangerine girl stood up withdrew a large, demonic mirror with a slender handle. I immediately recognized it, but I haven't seen it since the first few days of awakening from my coma. She walked with cautious superiority as she approached me. The mirror was carefully aimed away from the both of us so we couldn't gaze into the glass.

"We are going to need to perform a ritual," announced Starfire. "And we will be needing other materials to do so."

"Like what?"

"I do not know. However, we will need this mirror. It is the prime requirement for our success."

We both thought quietly for a moment, unsure of how to proceed. Suddenly being reminded of similar and common rituals, I jumped upon receiving a clever idea and scoured around my bed for a displaced object. I had been reading my Book of Azar last night when I fell asleep, most likely casting the book aside on my bed. I assumed that Starfire must have moved it when she took out the sheets to wash them. Sure enough, I found it partially under my bed on the side facing the window. I jogged over to Starfire with the novel in my hands.

"We can use my Book of Azar," I explained. "There's a lot of spells and rituals that are mentioned in here. Maybe we can find one that can help us."

I split apart the covers and flipped through a few pages, skimping over the delicate paragraphs composed in mythical nomenclature. My eyes scanned each weltering leaflet until I found a section that appealed to my interests. On the page, there was a diagram of the layout of the ritual, which I found intriguing. The mirror in the stenciled image vaguely matched the one I owned.

"Like this one," I told Starfire, gesturing to the open book as I read the title of the page. "It's called _Mirroring Dimensions_. Do you think this one will work?"

"Why not try it?" Starfire answered hopefully.

"There's a complete procedure and a list of materials. I think we can do this one."

"Excellent!" she exclaimed, gliding over to peer into the ancient text. "What will be needed?"

Using materials found throughout my bedroom, we carefully organized a spot on the floor for the ceremony. Starfire used wax candles to form a large ring and she lit each wick with a minute spark of her power. Meanwhile, I had to identify the right type of sand to use in order for the spell to work. I carefully read each label on the array of glass containers on my bookshelf and frequently consulted with the wise text to make sure I was correct. I ended up selecting a bubbled jar filled with fine grains of black sand. I shook the contents, as instructed by my Book of Azar, and then formed another circle inside the arrangement of lit candles. We both stepped inside on either end of the ring and sat down. The mirror was placed on the floor between us.

"Have we forgotten anything?" Starfire asked me.

"We did everything," I assured her, reviewing the steps in the procedure. "We should be okay. It says here that the black sand is used for safety. We can easily connect with Nevermore but nothing can get in or out."

"Good," the alien said, staring down at the mirror. "You are ready to begin?"

"Yeah," I agreed reluctantly, almost breathless. "I'm ready."

"It is all up to you now, Friend Raven. I shall bestow you with the luck."

I nodded briskly and then shut my eyes, trying not to choke on my nervous inhales. Being anxious didn't even begin to describe how I felt. I was afraid. I was distraught. I was almost too frightened to speak. If anything went wrong, it could harm either of us. If I couldn't remain calm or if I become too tense, I might ruin everything I worked for and everything that the Titans did for me. It was like an epiphany; it could be good or bad. But it was something that needed to be done. If it was never accomplished, I may never accomplish anything ever again. It could be a major tactic towards recovery, but it could also lead me astray if unsuccessful. I needed to be precise and thinking this only made me feel worse. With one final intake of air, I chanted my mantra in a slow and still voice.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos."

We both felt a chilling gust of wind sweep through the room, nearly extinguishing the candles that Starfire had prepared. My head ached and I grunted, trying to ignore the pain so I could concentrate on connecting with Nevermore. Starfire, who had been quietly observing me, gasped when the mirror on the floor started to faintly emit a ghostly light. The glass seemed to swirl with smoke, generating a cool and eerie sensation. Starfire and I peered down and watched as two slits formed within the cloud, which was now stirring faster and faster. Then the background faded to a still black and the slits opened to reveal a pair of eyes. They glowed a bright yellow hue and they somehow reminded me of my own eyes, even though they were a different color.

"Hello, Raven," a voice echoed from the mirror.

And that's when I realized it.

The voices that I've been hearing, they were surely mine from a deep consciousness, as I had presumed, but it was in my tone as well. My voice was speaking, but I wasn't creating words with the intention. They were being created on their own; an individual within my own individual mind. I could only gape down at the magical relic, fascinated to see that my Emoticlones took to my form. Starfire seemed excited too, but I was more nervous than her.

"Is it you?" I asked aloud, feeling myself quake with anticipation.

"You have finally done it," the proud voice continued. "It has been a long time since a connection like this has occurred."

"And to whom are we speaking?" Starfire questioned the mirror.

"I am Wisdom," she replied. "I am the part of Raven that represents intelligence. All of the knowledge and information that she possesses derives from within me."

"I've heard you before," I said. "You were in my thoughts, like those times when I was thinking to myself…"

"Yes. We all have spoken to you at a certain point."

"Really?"

"Being the leader of the Emoticlones and the source of your decision-making, I am often referred to when in thought."

"It all makes sense now."

"What do you mean?" Starfire wondered.

"Don't you get it?" I pressed her, feeling a weight lift from my chest. "This whole time I thought I was going crazy with my thoughts. This whole time, I couldn't understand why so many parts of me would argue and dispute."

"But you must have known it was them," Starfire told me. "I have explained them to you once we had began the training."

"And I knew that, but I never made the connection, Starfire. I didn't stand back to see what was really happening with these Emoticlones. All of the emotions I felt, all of the conflicting ideas; it _all_ came from my Emoticlones. At first, I thought it was from me because it was my subconscious, but I slowly started to realize that I wasn't thinking like that at all. I wasn't _technically_ arguing with myself like I thought I was…"

"We had no other means of communication with you," Wisdom confessed.

"So you used my subconscious," I continued. "You used mine so you could still exist and be a part of me. That's why, at first, my thoughts were in first-person, like I was literally talking to myself…"

"But as time wore on, we were able to regenerate to our true, individual manifestations in Nevermore. We could act and behave with the freedom on our behalf."

"And that explains my troubled thoughts," I concluded. "That explains my emotions. That's why I would change mood and personality so quickly!"

"Yes. It was the last option we had; the amnesia has heavily damaged Nevermore."

"How so?" Starfire asked the mirror.

"We were hardly independent and there was no balance between powers; we nearly combined as whole, which is the reason for us enabling your subconscious."

"Combined?" I repeated in disbelief.

"Yes. Our existence would have ended; a devastation to both you and us. None of the Emoticlones would have stood to represent you, Raven, anymore."

An eerie silence fell around the enchanted ring of flickering candles. Starfire was looking down at her hands mournfully and the somber pair of yellow eyes stared at both of us. I cleared my throat to speak.

"What happened?" I asked slowly. "What's it like in there?"

"We have healed since then," Wisdom stated firmly. "Since we found our places, we were able to cooperate, especially since you began the meditating. It is the prime reason of our survival."

"So there are others," I responded, exchanging a glance with Starfire.

"Of course. There are many of us that dwell within Nevermore. We each symbolize a unique aspect of your character that correlates with emotion."

The eyes within the mirror then blinked and when they reopened, the eyes were now emitting a light pink color. Another voice, obviously in my tone, started to speak, but I realized that it was a different Emoticlone.

"Like me!" the mirror cheered.

"Happy?" I asked in disbelief.

"You remember me!" Happy exclaimed. "You remembered my name!"

"Yeah! I guess it kinda just..._came_ to me."

"It's been _forever_ since I've done this, Raven. I'm just too excited to be here again!"

"Where's Wisdom?" I asked her.

The eyes blinked again, reverting to the lucid, yellow hue once more; "Through this method of communication, only one may speak at a time," she responded. "Many of us want to exploit this rare privilege."

"How many more of you are in there?" I questioned Wisdom. "Who else can I speak to?"

The pair of eyes closed briefly and reopened, becoming a dark, envy green. They suddenly reminded me of Beast Boy's fragile eyes, which I had come to adore.

"I heard that, Raven," the mirror taunted.

"What do you mean?" the alien asked innocently, but I was already blushing.

"Remind me to keep my thoughts to myself," I said.

"Good luck with that," the new voice snickered. "Nothing will ever be private in here."

"Let me guess: you're Brave?"

"You know it!" the green-eyed Emoticlone joked. "Nothing ever gets by us."

"It's pretty self-explanatory."

The eyes briefly closed themselves, allowing another Emoticlone to access the mirror.

"I'm Timid," the silver eyes whispered before they blinked again, turning orange.

"Rude," the voice muttered.

"Of course you are," I sighed.

Starfire laughed when the mirror and I both rolled our eyes at the same time.

"I can see the resemblance," she giggled.

"It didn't take brains for me to figure out I had an Emoticlone for that," I replied with a grin.

"Incoming," Rude snarled before the eyes blinked once more.

"You haven't forgotten me, have you, Raven?" asked an amorous voice.

"What do you represent?" inquired the tangerine girl.

"Only one of the most important aspects of our world," she replied. "_Love._"

"Affection," I blurted, gazing down at the mirror. "You're Affection, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am."

"Glad to know you're here," I said restlessly. "Is that everyone?"

"Wait one moment," Affection told us.

The violet eyes shut but they remained closed longer than they normally would. Starfire and I exchanged a confused glance, wondering whether something was wrong. They eventually reopened, flashing a pair of eyes the color of a dark-roast coffee. A groggy voice lamely greeted us.

"I'm Sloth."

"Well, it is certainly a pleasure to meet you," said Starfire, but the grumpy Emoticlone interrupted her.

"Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever…"

And like that, Sloth's lazy eyes vanished and were replaced with amiable, purple ones.

"Seems like she could be twins with Rude," I muttered.

"Aren't we all twins?" Affection asked me.

"Maybe? I don't know but there's definitely more than two of us, that's for sure. What is it with her anyway?"

"She's more of the napping type," she replied. "Sloth loves her bedtime and she scores off the charts for being lazy."

"Please forgive her," Wisdom said as soon as Affection's eyes changed. "She means no offense but Sloth is known for her quirks. You of all can relate, I assume?"

"I can believe that," I answered with a shrug. "Now let me get this straight; there's you, Wisdom, with Sloth, Affection, Brave, Rude, Happy and Timid. Is that right? Did I miss anyone?"

There seemed to be a long, uncomfortable pause between the question and the answer. Across from me, Starfire shifted her position and started down at the mirror with a clenched jaw.

"There is also Calm," Wisdom added at last. "I apologize but she is not here at the moment. You may speak with her at another time."

"But I could've sworn that there was another," I pressured Wisdom. "It had something to do with my anger, right? Wasn't her name…? I thought it was...Rage! Oh yeah! Can I talk to her?"

At this, both Starfire and mirror started to protest against me. I could even feel the existence of an oncoming migraine as my Emoticlones all tried to talk at once.

"Oh no, Friend Raven. You cannot do that!" the green-eyed alien begged me.

"Don't bring her here!" agreed Affection. "She'll ruin everything!"

"Of all people, you want to chat with Rage?" Brave shouted.

"She'll kill us all!" I heard Timid wail, who seemed on the verge of tears.

"Everyone, please!" Wisdom announced through the mirror. "Please remain calm. Do not argue. Stay in order!"

I felt the dull pain in my head subside as the leader of the Emoticlones took full control. She waited patiently until everyone was at ease before she spoke to Starfire and I again.

"I am sorry, Raven," the yellow eyes told me. "We cannot allow Rage to communicate with you."

"Why not?" I demanded. "She's just as much a part of me as the rest of you. I can take her."

"She represents your _anger_, Raven," warned Affection.

"No; _more_ than your anger," Wisdom finished. "She is a dangerous ally with which to consult."

"We were never on her side," Brave verbally fought to show her domination. "She's evil and wicked. That bitch doesn't deserve to be here."

"We _all_ deserve a place in Nevermore," Wisdom said in a strict tone to prevent further proclamations. "Even those of a negative emotion."

I sensed Rude chuckling in the background and Wisdom pretended not to notice.

"Besides, we don't know where she is," Affection confessed.

"You don't?" I asked in disbelief.

"It is true," said Wisdom.

"Yeah, she hasn't shown her face around here at all," muttered the pair of envy eyes. "It's a relief but also kinda creepy too."

"You see, Rage will not easily converse like us," my intellectual Emoticlone continued. "And for that, try to limit your contact with her. She may not be visible to us but she has not disappeared. Rage still poses as a threat to everyone."

"Thanks for telling me this now and not anytime sooner," I retorted. "I've _already_ felt her inside of me. In case you haven't realized it yet, she's the reason why I keep exploding every two minutes. There were times Rage was literally _screaming_ at me. She's probably the one that's causing my mood swings, isn't she?"

"Not entirely, but yes, I can partially agree with you. However, your dynamic changes derive from all of us. Rage is not the sole Emoticlone to blame."

"I say she is," Brave interjected. "She's always the one to blame."

"Rage is the impure one among us," agreed Affection. "Even in comparison to Rude."

"That's real sweet," the nasty Emoticlone responded sarcastically, provoking an oblivious Happy from laugh. "And I love you too."

The eyes in the mirror were blinking furiously now, rapidly morphing to various shades across the spectrum. Each Emoticlone was battling for their input in the argument and since only one was able to speak at a time, their speech started to blur like the static during a distant phone call.

"Well it's true!" Affection blurted stiffly.

"At least I care enough to _be _here," Rude seethed. "You don't see Sloth around, do you?"

"And what's that supposed to prove?" Brave challenged her.

"That I actually _do_ care, that I'm not this parasite in Raven that you guys think of me as."

"Without you, maybe things around here would run more smoothly."

"Well, sorry, Sergeant General, but you don't have the authority to bully any of us. Stop treating everyone here like damned soldiers."

"You're so funny," Happy giggled.

"Will you ever shut up, Miss Sunshine?"

"Leave her alone!" yelled Brave.

"Or what, tomboy?" Rude snarled.

"That is _enough,_" the yellow eyes threatened in the stern voice of a reprimanding supervisor.

After that, the agitated commotion died once more, leaving us in an eerie silence. Wisdom, who obviously seemed stressed, firmly addressed everyone.

"We are all a part of Raven," she said. "We all deserve to be here as much as everyone else. No one is more important than the other. No one has more power either. We are all equally valuable and without one or the other, we fall together. Do I make myself clear?"

Rude huffed in annoyance and Brave quietly agreed. The tension in the room started to fade away as the Emoticlones obeyed Wisdom's leadership. Wanting to spare the Emoticlones' stability, I chose to converse about another topic to gather information.

"What more can you tell me about you guys?"

* * *

For hours, Starfire and I were huddled around the mirror, actively engaged in conversation. I consumed whatever there was to learn, asking questions whenever I craved a more detailed elaboration. I spoke to each of my present Emoticlones; even Timid, who was terrified to speak, contributed a few wise sentences. Rude was a little more cruel in her speech but she also had some helpful ideas to share. Wisdom was the prime orator and she skillfully conducted the flow of words until everyone was utterly exhausted. Starfire eventually stood up and stepped out of the ring of candles.

"It has been a productive activity," she said. "But I must depart, if that is okay."

"Yeah, it's no problem," I answered. "Thanks for helping me, by the way. For everything, I mean."

"I hope today has been good to you. We have done very much."

"And I feel so much better after all of this too."

"Then I am glad," Starfire replied with a kind smile. "Please be sure to rest once you are finished. I can return later to assist with the cleaning."

"It's alright, Starfire. I got it."

"If that is what you wish. Pleasant _shlorvax_!"

I made sure that Starfire was a safe distance away from my bedroom before I reentered the enchantment circle. I kneeled to the ground and spoke directly to the mirror.

"Wisdom?"

"Yes?" answered the intellectual voice with yellow eyes.

"What more can you tell me about my amnesia?"

"Come again?"

"My amnesia," I clarified. "What do you know about it?"

"As much as you do," she said.

"No, I mean _how_ it happened. _Why _it happened. The Titans haven't talked about it very much and I can't help but feel like I should know about it too, like it's my responsibility or something."

"I see…"

"So can you help me? Please?"

"I cannot, Raven."

"Why not?" I asked her, my voice straining to remain still. "You're Wisdom! You're supposed to be the Emoticlone of my knowledge."

"And I am but I cannot tell you anything that you do not already know. I am sorry but my knowledge only extends as far back as your's. There is nothing more or beyond I can say."

"So you can't remember anything?"

"None of us can," Affection chimed in, revealing herself in the mirror. "Nevermore was damaged, but we aren't exactly sure how it was harmed. And yes, we are aware that the Titans are hiding something. But that's no reason to falsely accuse them."

"Something is missing," I told her. "I feel like I'm forgetting something. Someone's not telling me something and I'm going crazy just thinking about it!"

"There is no need to start a panic," Wisdom assured me. "Our problems shall resolve in the end."

"But how?" I inquired. "How am I supposed to figure this out? As far as I'm concerned, only the Titans know about this and they're keeping the truth from me. It doesn't make any sense! All this stuff about lies and hurting people and losing control and I don't understand any of it! You can't tell me everything will be okay if you don't believe it yourself!"

"Please, Raven," Happy hushed me. "Don't fret about it. You're not alone in this. We're going to work together and we'll figure it out before you know it."

"We're a part of you, Raven. Remember?" Brave added meaningfully. "Who says we don't wanna know any less than you do?"

"Do you think we'll eventually figure it out?" I asked them.

"Totally," said Brave.

"Of course!" cheered Happy.

"It is definitely possible," Wisdom told me. "We will do whatever we can, but for now, we should take Starfire's advice and rest for the night."

"About time!" Sloth growled.

"But wait!" I said suddenly. "What if I need to speak to you guys again?"

"Are ya kidding me?" Brave laughed. "We talk to you at least a million times a day! We won't disappear _that_ easily."

I watched quietly as the glass become foggy, allowing the pair of eyes to close and fade away until only my reflection remained. I picked up the mirror and inspected it, disappointed that I couldn't see them anymore.

_We are still here, Raven,_ Wisdom said mentally to me. _We would never leave you like that._

_Thanks,_ I replied, feeling relieved. _I appreciate it._

_Not a problem,_ Brave said and I could even sense her revealing a proud smirk.

I extinguished the candles and put them away as neatly as I could. It took a while to sweep up the sand particles but I was satisfied once it was properly disposed. The mirror was taken to my bed with me and I placed it on my nightstand for safekeeping.

_Just make sure we aren't doused with water,_ Rude said as I nestled into the fresh sheets.

_I'll be more careful with it,_ I promised her. _I don't think it'll ever leave my bedroom._

_Thank Azar for that._

And with that, I peacefully closed my eyes to rest, my thankful smile never leaving my face.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I can't tell you HOW happy I was to write this because Raven can FINALLY meet her Emoticlones XD She stills need to visit Nevermore (and she will in the near future *winks*) but for now, it should be good.

(Also, just a side-note, I HOPE I'm not the only one freaking out about my fandoms now DX the mid-season finale of the Walking Dead was last week so no new episode today, and better yet, the mid-season finale of Supernatural is Tuesday night! I can't seem to get any rest from my despair *cries* If it weren't for this, I'd be crazy...)

Anyways, I'll see everybody in two weeks! Bye!


	17. A Present from the Past

**Author's Note:** You guys are too kind :) Your comments seriously make my day. (Yes! This is a BBxRae fanfic! There's love in this story, I swear! XD) And it makes me so happy that you guys are into it too. Please lemme know what you think! It's really cool to read your theories and ideas about how this story could go. It _is _already mapped out (and I am a few chapters ahead of this too) but this story is still pretty young. I have big plans for this and I'm excited to keep going so I hope everyone else is too :) Alright! On to reading!

**A Previous Summary: **Raven is distressed when she unexpectedly wakes up on her period: it really surprised her how something so little could be forgotten too. She calls for Starfire, who helps her without question. After this, they decide that Raven shouldn't train today. In fact, Starfire declares that it would be the perfect time for Raven to meet her Emoticlones through her mirror. Together, they speak to Wisdom, Brave, Happy, Timid, Affection, Sloth, and Rude, who are all eager to meet Raven as well. However, it wasn't easy at times: every Emoticlone had something to say and they repeatedly warned Raven about Rage. They say that she has hiding in Nevermore and has not contacted the Emoticlones since the amnesia. They also claim that Rage is highly influential: she can cause mood-swings and contact her physically and mentally, but the Emoticlones are powerless against Raven's anger. Raven has her Emoticlones' support but she has to be careful with Rage‒she refuses to submit so easily and can appear before Raven at any time.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 17: _A Present from the Past_

The next morning, I rose out of bed with the sun. Since I retired fairly early yesterday and I slept for long, slow hours into the night, I felt rejuvenated, as if physically and mentally cleansed of my impurities. I sensed no form of stress on my body and even my Emoticlones seemed at peace as well. This realization only made me happier.

_When was the last time I felt so at ease?_ I thought as I lazily stretched.

_It has been a while,_ Wisdom agreed.

_It's 'cause of us,_ Brave told me. _It's 'cause of what you did yesterday. Talking through the mirror works wonders for us, kinda like meditating._

_I wish I could feel like this forever,_ I said mentally, rising from my bed and making my way to the dresser to grab some clothes.

_Trust me, it won't last._

After I raided the drawers for a fresh pair of clothes, I sleepily left my bedroom and strolled down the hallway towards the bathroom. I spent a whole hour in there, not for any particular reason, but I took my time because I heard not one disturbance outside the locked door. I wasn't sure of my schedule for today since none of the other Titans bothered to mention it to me. Usually, I would have my training after an early breakfast but neither Starfire or Robin came by to give me a warning. With that, I figured I could spend some of the day to myself. After all, they could be on a mission and could've forgotten to tell me, but it was most likely an honest mistake. Whether or not it was true, I decided not to worry about it too much.

In that hour, I showered until I was nearly intoxicated from the warm steam. My hair was bundled with a towel and then I dressed into comfy attire, actively viewing my appearance in the mirror. I made sure to properly groom my damp coiffure and later, I exchanged pads for a new one from the updated supply of feminine hygiene products that Starfire had recently stocked in the vanity dresser. My reflection beamed at me as I admired the image in the glass. I felt as prepared as I'll ever be for the day, but I wasn't ready for the surprise that awaited upstairs.

When the bathroom door slid away, I hesitated to exit. I nearly stepped on a sign that had been strategically placed on the floor, right where my foot would've been. In fact, there wasn't just one sign: there was a whole _trail_ of them. I leaned across the doorway and peered down the hall. Sure enough, the ground was speckled with them. Each sign looked the same; a red arrow pointing in a direction for me to follow. Obviously, they were planted recently since they showed up only after I entered the bathroom and I couldn't help but wonder why someone would go through the trouble to do this.

"Starfire?" I called as I left the bathroom, avoiding the signs as if they were bombs. "Did you see what's out here? Starfire?"

Her bedroom door, which wasn't too far away from mine, was unlocked and it opened upon sensing my presence. Although feeling intrusive, I peeked inside the dark room, thinking that she was still asleep, but her bed remained tidy and vacant. In fact, there weren't any other hints of recent activity her room, at least, not for the entire morning. I stepped back into the hallway, weighing my options.

_Well that's strange._

_No kidding,_ said Brave.

_Should I follow it?_

_You should see where it leads,_ Wisdom suggested. _It must have been set up for you._

_But what if it's a trap?_ Timid whined. _What if they're trying to scare us?_

_But I can't just ignore it, either, _I argued. _It's probably nothing anyway._

_Your funeral,_ Rude muttered.

With cautious curiosity, I traced the trail of signs down the hallway. I was guided through a series of corridors that took me around the building and up several flights of stairs. Although I was interested, I investigated the path like a detective; there was something that needed to be solved and I intended to do so. I hated being oblivious to something and whatever awaited me at the end of this trail was meant to be a surprise.

In all honesty, I almost didn't want to know their motive. Whether it was done out of the goodness of one's heart or for their own amusement, the sick feeling in my gut wouldn't subside: to me, it was anything but something good. The only thing that encouraged me forward was the anxiety that constricted my heart.

Eventually, I was guided to the doorstep of the Main Ops room, but I didn't open it right away. My suspicious paranoia convinced me to lend my ear to the icy door and listen. I strained to hear anything but the only source of sound was from my anxious breaths. There was a sense in the air, like a faint detection of movement. I couldn't identify it but I _felt_ it, and inside the room, there seemed to be a lot of it.

_I guess there's only one way to know for sure, _I told myself, although I completely disagreed with the absurd idea.

_Be swift and quick, _Wisdom advised me.

_Take out anyone you see, _Brave added.

_I'm not attacking anyone, _I said to my courageous Emoticlone, however, that didn't stop the ghastly power from emitting from my hands.

Completely unaware of the situation, I activated the entrance and entered the large room. My eyes scanned through the sheets of darkness, further investigating my surroundings. Everything was silent and still, but the room wasn't empty. The feeling I had outside the Main Ops room felt stronger and not definite so I was even more worried. I was squinting at the couch across the room, confused to see several balloons bobbing in the air when the lights suddenly flicked on without warning. I was instantly blinded and before I could question it, a large crowd of individuals emerged from their hiding spots and lept into the air with triumph.

"SURPRISE!"

I couldn't conceal my utter horror as my pained eyes darted everywhere. I was so overwhelmed with shock that I could barely function. My mind was trying to process everything at once.

_They did it, _I told myself. _They planned the whole thing and I was completely oblivious. I was tricked like an animal walking into the cage..._

_Well that's just great, _snorted Rude. _What a great way to start the day: being scared half-to-death before nine._

_I should've known it was nothing good, _I thought bitterly. _How could I've been so stupid!_

While I was mentally communicating with my Emoticlones, Cyborg strode over towards me with a grin plastered to his cybernetic face. He seemed pleased with himself when he witnessed my surprised reaction.

"'Bout time ya got up," he said in a joking tone that was never meant to inflict offense. "Everybody been waiting hours for ya."

Despite his kindness, I was too petrified to speak rationally: "What-? What did you do? What _is_ this?"

"Somethin' we threw together," Cyborg boasted, proud of himself. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"A party?" I clarified. "You guys planned a party for me?"

"Yeah! Ain't it a beauty?"

_Why would there be a party anyway? _I thought. _It can't be because of my birthday, right?_

_Even if it was, who says I wanted to celebrate it?_ Rude murmured.

_And if it isn't, then why would the Titans plan one for me?_

"Did I miss something?" I asked awkwardly. "This party's not for my...my, uhh…" I gestured to the air, not wanting to say the word.

"No, no it's not 'cause of that," Cyborg assured me, draping an arm over my shoulder and observing the party atmosphere with me. "It's not like a special occasion or anything like that. It's just for fun! A little something for you to smile 'bout."

"We've been planning this for a while now," said Robin, joining the conversation to make it public.

"And you guys didn't tell me?" I challenged him

"Well, that's kinda the point with a _surprise _party, right?" the mechanical man challenged back.

In response, I gazed around the room and sighed mournfully. It seemed like the Titans enjoyed planning the party. Everything in the Main Ops room had been carefully plotted to high standards: multicolored balloons were pumped with helium and tied in batches in different locations around the room; a large banner that read, "SURPRISE" in red letters was attached to the massive window pane; every table surface in the room was occupied by some sort of festival cuisine; and I even could hear soft tunes in the background for the guests' amusement. The decorations were simple but considerate and the food was plentiful. All the Titans were there: the mechanical man, the tangerine girl, the green changeling and the masked leader of the Titans. They all worked together to make it happen. However, there were other people accompanying them as well and none of them could be identified.

"Please stay to enjoy the celebration!" Starfire pleaded convincingly. "There is much to see and to do! There is the cake and the gifts and the balloons that I have inflated myself!"

"You got me gifts too?" I repeated in amazement to Cyborg.

"Well not just us," he replied. "Everyone pitched in for this."

"Everyone?"

"Now's a good a time as any to meet who you're teamed up with," the mechanical man told me. "C'mon down. Meet the other Titans."

"There are _other _Titans?" I asked aloud.

Everyone laughed at my stupidity as I was ushered into the crowded room. My face burned with humiliation and it only made me feel even more embarrassed about the situation. Eventually, a huge mass of people assembled in front of me. Numerous individuals were coming to greet me, and every single one of them was different in their own, unique way.

They were different, just like the Titans.

Just like me.

They each varied in size and appearance but the range of their ages didn't exceed past 18 years. Some of them were tall in height and some of them were small in size while others were merely the opposite. And for a lot of them, they weren't even human. Whether they had different colored skin, a coat of fur, or were an entirely different species, they could be easily spotted within the crowd. Each person stood out in their own way; it's no wonder they were considered as Titans, according to the ancient mythology.

However, no matter how I perceived them, I didn't change my perspective. My opinion was clear: they were merely strangers that claimed an alliance with the Titans, who I can barely classify as trustworthy acquaintances. I thought the same way the first time I met the group of unsupervised teenagers. It was like an instinct to me. They couldn't be trusted; at least, not yet. I had to pretend that I was pleased to greet them but I knew I couldn't sustain the act forever.

"Hey, Raven," said one of the strangers, who emerged from the crowd and approached me.

She was a dark-skinned girl with coal-black hair that was styled into two buns. When she introduced herself to me, I had a hard time listening because I wasn't paying attention to her speech. The female adolescent had a pair of wings folded behind her back that struck me with curiosity. My eyes stared at them intently, fascinated by their delicate structure but also horrified to see insect wings in human possession. It was obvious that she was a hybrid; even her outfit was inspired by a honey bee's natural appearance of black and yellow stripes. Seeing her before me was like witnessing a wonder.

"I'm Bee, by the way," she told me with a red-lipped smile. "It's good to see ya."

"Hi," I answered lamely. "Yeah, I guess so."

"How you holdin' up, girl?" Bee asked me. "How's everything been?"

My eyes drifted away momentarily: "It's okay. Not exactly easy, if that makes sense…"

"Do you remember?"

"Remember what?"

"Me," Bee clarified. "Does my name ring a bell or anything?"

"No," I apologized, shaking my head in sorrow. "No, I don't know you. I'm sorry."

"I'm Aqualad," announced one of the older, male adolescents. "We used to know each other too."

I gazed up at the young man, impressed by his intimidating height. Aqualad's appearance immediately presented a threatening impression. He looked well-trained and highly-skilled, as does the rest of the strangers, but there was a kinder and more accepting aspect about him. Judging by his scaly uniform, there was doubt in my mind that his powers were connected to the marine habitat that surrounded Titans Tower.

"Oh," I said awkwardly. "I see…"

"Does that help you remember anything?" he insisted.

"Maybe a little. I'll try to remember you too though."

"Don't forget me and Kid Flash," joked a pink-haired, female teenager with a snide attitude. "You'll regret it."

"This is Jinx, by the way," the red-haired boy, who I had presumed was Kid Flash, informed me. "And don't feel pressured: Jinx has a terrible memory too."

The punk girl forcefully nudged Kid Flash in the ribs but he only laughed, despite her annoyance. She rolled her eyes as he grabbed her hand and gripped it tightly, almost as an affectionate apology. Jinx returned the gesture, discreetly blushing to herself. After seeing the quirks of a playfully romantic couple, I found myself conflicted over revealing a smile.

That's when the door across the room from us sprang open, catching everyone's attention.

A group of four people entered the room but a majority of them were composed of kids. There were three of them in total, each no older than a child enrolled in Elementary School, and they were accompanied by a bald man donning a brown robe and sandals. One of them was a girl with yellow pigtails, another was a boy with orange hair and freckles, and the youngest was merely a toddler who sucked on his pacifier with wide eyes. They all held hands as they walked anxiously into the room. The little girl appeared to be holding something because her arm was raised but I didn't see anything in her hand. Next to her, the orange-haired boy carried with him a tiny, blue blanket that dragged along the floor. The toddler was busy sucking on a pacifier. The kids were actively looking around the room as if they were searching for a significant other. I shrank back upon instinct.

"I apologize for being late," said the monk as Robin strode over to welcome the new guests. "There had been a slight delay but I hope we haven't missed anything big; the kids were very excited."

"Not at all," said the masked leader. "Party's just getting started."

"Where is she?" asked the little girl eagerly. "Where's Raven?"

Robin turned around and smiled at me. The children followed his gaze until I could see the happiness explode within their eyes. They gasped with excitement and the toddler lost his pacifier without realizing it.

"Raven!" the kids all exclaimed in unison.

The kids rushed towards me, their arms outstretched for an embrace. The blonde girl and the orange-haired boy pounced onto my legs and they clasped against my limbs as if they would never release. The toddler stumbled over and bounced on his feet: "Up! Up!" he cried, his tiny arms raised above his head. The crowd awed as the children greeted me and I could've sworn that Starfire was smearing away tears from her lime-green eyes. Although I was touched, a sense of despair washed over me; I couldn't recall meeting these kids before and yet they treated me like a relative they haven't seen in ages. I was starting to feel very uneasy.

"Oh, Raven," cried the little girl.

She was sniffling now, burrowing her wet face into me. I knelt down so I could be eye-level with them. It seemed like the most appropriate thing to do as I tried to comfort her.

"What happened, Raven?" asked the girl as she backed away to face me. "Why didn't you call us?"

"I- I don't know," I answered with all the composure I could muster.

"No worries, guys," said Cyborg to the kids. "She just got a little sick is all but she's up and running now."

"Are you okay?" she wondered.

"I'm feeling better," I lied, not wanting to disappoint them. "Thank you."

"I missed you," cried the orange-haired boy as he hugged me even tighter. "We thought we never see you!"

"We're happy you're okay," said the girl as she and her siblings embraced me tenderly. "It's all okay now."

I returned the hug as best as I could, but I had a nagging sense. The kids were unaware of the situation. They had no idea that I didn't understand who they were but I didn't have the heart to directly ask them. I pulled away slowly and examined the children, still crouched on the floor. There was no way the Titans could still be lying, especially if it involves children. Whatever the Titans tell me must be true, right?

"Who are they?" I wondered, raising my head to the surrounding crowd.

"They're your kids," Robin replied. "That's Melvin, Timmy and Teether; you made them Honorary Titans before your amnesia."

"Kids? Wait, I- I had…_kids_?"

"No, not like that," Robin quickly interrupted me, stifling a chuckle. "But don't get me wrong; you were really close with them. You practically treated them as your own."

"You don't remember us?" the little girl named Melvin asked me.

"I- I don't know what to say," I stuttered.

"But we know you!" Timmy pleaded. "You gotta know us, Raven!"

I looked down at the three children. Hope dilated their pupils as they gazed up at me, almost expecting me to suddenly recognize their names. I swallowed hard and winced, clenching my jaw to keep my face from contorting in pain. I couldn't bare the sight of their innocent expressions. My pity then dissolved into shy tears.

"I- I can't," I croaked. "I'm trying to remember but I can't. I'm so sorry."

Although in the kids' eyes I saw disappointment, there was no trace of defeat. The little girl tried to smile up at me.

"That's okay," she assured me. "At least we can remember you."

"Raven," said Teether, who didn't seem to notice my distress. "Raven!"

He walked up to me and wrapped his arms around my neck. Realizing what he wanted, I picked him up and held him against my chest for support. Teether nestled into the crook of my neck and he gurgled with delight. I was blushing profusely now as everyone admired the affection between me and the toddler. Melvin then gave a tug on my shirt.

"Wanna play with us? Bobby says he wants to play a game!"

"Bobby?" I inquired. "Who's that?"

In an instant, a huge teddy bear was towering above us. It looked stuffed and freshly-sewn like a child's keepsake but its height was intimidating. The bear gave me a toothy smile as I saw him for the first time. I was almost too surprised to speak and I ended up laughing at the situation.

"_That's _Bobby?"

"Yeah! Now c'mon!" Melvin squealed. "Play with us!"

I was flattered by her persistent attempts but I had to refrain from hurting Melvin's feelings. I opened my mouth to speak, desperately thinking of an alibi when Cyborg interrupted us.

"Lucky for y'all, there's a piñata stuffed with candy."

"Candy!" gurgled Teether as I set him down on the floor. "Candy candy candy!"

The toddler began to clumsily walk over towards the piñata across the room. He waddled along with his arms outstretched and I chuckled when he got tired and plopped down, not knowing where to go. Timmy hurried over for his rescue.

"I go first!" he declared, grabbing Teether's tiny hand and leading the way. "I get candy for us."

"Candy!" Teether giggled.

"I'll catch up with you," I told Melvin and Bobby. "You go ahead."

"You sure?"

"Of course."

Melvin offered a weak smile before she took Bobby's hand and led him to her other siblings. I watched the children leave mournfully and the crowd remained quiet until the mechanical man interrupted the silence.

"I oughta help 'em out," said Cyborg with a knowing smile. "That thing needs to go up _pronto_."

As he strode away to prepare the little game, Robin approached me. I bowed my head, trying to conceal my depression.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," I uttered, dismissing Robin's unnecessary worry. "I'm fine."

"I'm sure we can understand," Aqualad piped up. "We're all just so happy to see you again. It hasn't been easy without you."

I couldn't find the courage to reply. It still embarrassed me whenever my amnesia was mentioned. There was always a sense of disbelief and not the kind where I'm convinced everyone is lying; such as the idea that it's impossible for this unfortunate coincidence to happen. After all, how could someone suddenly lose their memory? And not all of it, only certain parts? There was no correlation between which memories were lost and which ones remained. Even if there was, I haven't found it yet and I was getting more and more hopeless about making a full recovery.

"Does she remember anything?" he said suddenly, turning to Robin. "How bad was her amnesia, if you don't mind me asking."

"It was only a little at first, but you should see how far she went." Robin glanced at me with an approving smile: "I'm sure she surprised everyone with her improvement. She deserves a little reward."

"Then for what are we waiting?" wondered Starfire enthusiastically. "Let the party commence!"

"_¡Fiesta!" _exclaimed two twins simultaneously. They linked their hands together and sped around the room with great speed: "_¡Nosotros estamos listos!"_

The guests cheered as everyone started to enjoy the celebration. Starfire soared from guest to guest, actively engaged in conversations to keep them entertained. Robin was busy serving party food on plastic dishes in the kitchen. Cyborg was playing with the kids, highly amused as they attempted to hit the piñata with a stick, while Beast Boy was cracking jokes to a crowd of his friends. All of the Titans were laughing with glee and while they were distracted, I silently dismissed myself and slipped out of the room without their notice.

* * *

Although I felt guilty for deserting the guests, I knew I couldn't stay there. It was just getting too awkward for me. As always, I needed to find some privacy and isolation for a while; it was the best medicine for me. However, I hadn't escaped for more than 10 minutes before I was discovered by the green changeling and it was obvious that it was on purpose.

"Hey. Raven?"

"Congratulations," I answered sarcastically. "You found me."

"Hiding in the same place isn't the best idea if you don't wanna be found," Beast Boy said with a smirk. "Might wanna try somewhere else next time."

He strolled across the rooftop, admiring the view of the retiring atmosphere from the top of Titans Tower. His presence was already irritating me so I tried to ignore him. I hugged my knees tighter into my chest and groaned drearily; I was in no mood to chat and even though Beast Boy figured that out, it didn't prevent him from starting a conversation.

"As nice as it is up here, the party's on hold," he drawled. "Wanna come back down with me? Everyone's been looking for ya."

"I'm not going back down there," I muttered crossly. "I'm staying here until the party is over."

"So you're just gonna stake out on all your friends like this?"

"I don't know _any _of these people," I emphasized to Beast Boy. "I hardly know any of _you!_ How is this supposed to help me?"

"They haven't seen you in months," Beast Boy sympathetically explained. "They've got few updates about how you were coping with the amnesia but nothing really helpful. They're just visiting to see if you're okay."

"Well I'm not, _okay?_ I'm _not_ okay with this at all. I want to be alone. I don't want pity from strangers."

"They aren't strangers, Raven. They're our friends, yours too!"

"But a party? You threw me a _party_? I mean, seriously? It's actually humiliating that we're celebrating _me._ How am I supposed to enjoy that?"

"I know," he said, shutting his eyes tightly as he took a deep breath through his gritted teeth. "Robin and everyone wanted to do it. They thought it would help jog your memory. Plus, the other Titans wanted to see you too."

"So you're telling me that you're on my side with this?"

"Well I didn't _suggest_ the party. I still remembered how you reacted when we celebrated your birthday. Heck, they even put the signs on the floor like last time…"

"What good will this do for me?" I demanded. "What good will _any_ of this do for me?"

"It wasn't meant to make you upset," Beast Boy replied. "We're doing what we can do."

"Yeah, right," I quipped sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

"C'mon, Raven," the green changeling sighed. "Please? We're trying to help out. We've done so much to get you to where you are now. All the training and studying; we're trying our best to cure this amnesia. Aren't you grateful for this?"

"Who said I'll ever be cured?" I countered back.

"Don't even think that," Beast Boy said firmly. "You're getting better, even if you don't know it."

"I'm just re-learning things. I don't actually remember…"

"Maybe not yet, but you will soon."

"There's no _proof._"

"I don't care if all that we're doing seems useless to you," Beast Boy exclaimed defiantly. "At least we're trying something. It feels like we're the only ones who honestly care about this. I feel like you just wanna give up, like you _don't_ care."

"It honestly won't matter to me," I muttered stiffly. "I don't know what I did know and maybe it's for the best."

The pea-green boy was silent, his face stricken and perplexed. He shook his head in disbelief, trying to make sense of his own foggy thoughts. It appeared as if he had remembered something.

Personally, I felt conflicted. Just yesterday, I had the hope that I would recover. After meeting my Emoticlones, it seemed likely that everything would resolve in only a matter of time. I had not only the Titans helping but now I had _myself_ too; I had my Emoticlones for support. They were promising me so many things but I became too overwhelmed during the surprise event.

It made me realize how much I had forgotten.

Years could've been erased from my memory. There were things that I knew, but I couldn't recall where I learned them. I couldn't remember my childhood but I knew of Azarath and of my parents and my demonic heritage. It didn't make any sense to why this is happening and by seeing everyone all at once, I just couldn't take it. I couldn't agree to the fact that I've forgotten so much and that the reason for this motive remains unclear. I felt worse and worse the more I theorized about it, not to mention how antsy I became during the social encounters.

"We did all of this for you," Beast Boy said at last. "It hurt you, and I'm sorry, but you can't act like we're not trying to help. You can't ignore everyone here! The Titans down there traveled for days just to see you, to bring you gifts and see if you're okay. They _all_ care about you, Raven, and we do too, and now you think it's 'for the best' if we give up on you?"

"Leave me alone," I growled slowly, but the changeling seemingly ignored me as his diatribe started to expand in strength and volume.

"We're not stupid, Raven. Stopping this and leaving you would be the worst thing we can do. Stopping this would throw away everything we've done like it was nothing. Years, Raven! You'll lose all those years of your life forever! And what about all the time and effort we put in to get those years back?"

"I said leave me alone," I repeated, now standing to face Beast Boy.

"You can't ignore what you've done…"

"How can I ignore what I've done when I don't even _know_ what I did!"

"You hafta know something!" Beast Boy cried. "I mean how can you forget us? How can you forget _me_?"

"It wasn't my fault!" I screamed. "I didn't do this to myself! Why would I want to erase my own memory? Why would I put myself through so much pain?"

"You lied," Beast Boy whispered in a strained voice. "You lied to me."

"And how do I know that you're not lying?" I argued. "What makes you think you have the right and reason for me to believe you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You expect me to believe you _freaks?_ You think I'm too stupid not to think for myself? Everything you told me is completely absurd! I don't remember _anything_ beyond a few months. For all I know, YOU could be the cause for my amnesia!"

"I'm not anybody to be blamed," the green changeling strictly claimed.

"Then you have no reason to accuse me." I glared at him, my eyes hard and my voice firm: "Doesn't matter what it is or what happened: you can't accuse me for anything unless you are equally responsible."

There was a moment where both us were dead quiet. Our faces were close enough that I could see him angrily sweating and the hard creases in his forehead from his furrowed eyebrows. We challenged each other with our eyes. At first, Beast Boy's eyes were stiff and frustrated but as he continued to gaze at me, the anger started to fade. Suddenly furious with himself, he looked down, admitting defeat. I watched Beast Boy storm away while a satisfied reaction engulfed my face. The door slammed shut and I collapsed on the edge of the roof again. My Emoticlones were almost too scared to speak.

_Raven…_

_You know what I did,_ I thought hotly. _Don't act like you weren't thinking it either._

_I wasn't, Raven,_ Wisdom said slowly. _No one was thinking that._

_How could you do that to Beast Boy?_ Affection cried within Nevermore. _Why would do you something like that to him?_

_What are you guys talking about?_ I told them mentally.

_BB didn't deserve that at all,_ Brave added mournfully. _You should've cut some slack on the poor guy._

_What were you thinking? _demanded my affectionate Emoticlone.

_You guys are my thoughts, _I answered. _Why did this surprise you?_

_I wasn't thinking that!_ Happy exclaimed.

_Not me, _Timid whispered.

_I hate to say it, but I didn't either,_ commented Rude in a smug tone. _Similar to what I would've done, but nothing because of me._

_So no one did it?_ I asked, obviously bewildered.

Nope, replied Rude, sounding pleased._ It was entirely on you._

"It couldn't have been me," I argued aloud. "I- I didn't mean...I was just really upset and those words slipped."

_It's okay, Raven, _Wisdom assured me. _Anger isn't always easy to control, especially when it comes to us. I'm sure that once you apologize, Beast Boy will forgive you._

"Now I'm not so sure," I replied, pondering over a logical reason.

_What makes you think that? _wondered Brave, but I only shook my head.

"I don't know what got over me because that wasn't me and it wasn't any of you either. You were right, I got mad, but I would never say those kind of things. Like, I would‒and I technically did‒but that wasn't me, right? Do you get what I'm saying?"

_You don't think it was-?_

"Who else could it be?" I questioned them.

_But how? She's not even here! _Timid wailed.

__This cannot be possible,_ _Wisdom interrogated me. _Raven, we are aware of your anger, but it does not always result in the effects of an Emoticlone. Your mood-swings have been dynamic but it couldn't be her...we have not spoken a word since‒well‒since beyond the amnesia, I'm sure...___  
__

_I have a hard time believing it too, _I confessed.

_So how could she do such a thing without our knowledge? How can you feel her influence when she ceases to exist within Nevermore?_

_I'm not sure, _I thought. _But I know she's in there. She's somewhere deep, and dark...__  
_

_How can you tell? _Timid inquired worriedly.

_Nobody else could do that to me. No one could ever make me feel like that. There's no other explanation: she's always been in there. I've always felt her‒sensed her‒even when she never bothered to show up._

_We can't find her, _Brave reminded me. _If she has showed up, we would know, wouldn't we?_

_And that's just it; somehow, only I seem to sense her. Wherever she is, wherever she's hiding, she can't be sensed by anyone except me. I don't even know why..._

_Then what do we do?_ said Affection. _How do we stop her?_

_I don't know, _I replied. _But whatever we do, we can't make her angry. That's the last thing we want..._

* * *

I waited up on that rooftop and watched the sun sink in the sky. It had been a whole hour after that before I had the courage to return to the Main Ops room. By then, as I had predicted, all of the other Titans had departed, ending the celebration earlier than it was depicted. Starfire and Cyborg were busy cleaning up the leftovers from the party while Robin was making an important phone call. Beast Boy was no where to be seen.

"You should open them," said Cyborg as I entered.

"Open what?"

"The presents," he said, gesturing to the table of gifts. "They all wanted ya to open 'em but you wouldn't come down. They put a lot of thought into it, ya know."

"Yeah," I sighed. "I probably should open them."

"I am sure they would appreciate it," added Starfire.

There were a lot of "Get well soon!" cards with my presents, which made me feel weird because I wasn't sick at all. Despite the amnesia, I felt perfectly fine but they were treating me like a cancer patient that was destined to die. However, the gifts were anything but horrible. I received a lot of nice things and I didn't have the heart to complain. I even regretted opening the gifts after the party; I felt that now I was obliged to personally thank everyone for their kindness.

Towards the end of the hour, wrapping paper littered the floor and all of my presents were on the coffee table. My gifts ranged from gift cards worth hundreds of dollars to a large wads of cash; packs of candy bars—I couldn't figure out how they knew my favorite—to homemade pastries; even articles of clothing. One of the Titans actually gave me a massive textbook written in the letters of an ancient alphabet. It was a novel that was specifically meant to be translated by the reader; a gift that only someone like me would appreciate. After opening the presents and seeing the time, I had no motivation to do anything but retire to my bedroom with the loot from the unexpected celebration.

At the end of that day, while I was spending time in my room, there were stiff, staccato knocks on my door. I was busy dressing at the time so I asked the visitor for their name and business. In response, the fist continued to peck repeatedly at my door until I opened it. I jumped back at the sight of Beast Boy but before I could question him, he thrusted a package into my hands.

"Here," he muttered in an irritated tone. "You forgot something."

"What's this?" I had inquired but the green changeling was already storming down the corridor, not bothering to answer me. In response, I exhaled, shook my head, and excused myself back to my bedroom.

Completely frustrated with the pea-green boy, I started to forcefully peel away the clumsy wrapping. I didn't know what changed his mind to get me a gift, not like I had asked him or any of the other Titans for one, but I was interested in what he delivered. He still seemed so upset about earlier and quite honestly, I was too. There really was no reason for him to give me anything. It confused me so much the more I thought about it so I started tearing the paper even faster until nothing remained to conceal the gift.

All that was left on my lap was my undamaged and long-forgotten journal.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I've been waiting for this chapter for a bit :) Plus, I was so happy to finally involve some other Titans with the story and I can't wait to have the kids in it again too. There's honestly so much I want to say and have Raven do and to just spit EVERYTHING out at once but, obviously, that doesn't make for a good story. Until next time guys! And remember, I'm open for suggestions, requests, and ideas! ;) Bye!


	18. Planning Ahead

**Author's Note: **SURPRISE! I bet you guys didn't expect this XD Well, it's Christmas, right? So what better way to celebrate than by posting another chapter? (It's a Christmas miracle! :'D) So far, my day has been great and I got such great gifts this morning and I hope that you guys are having a good day too. I really wish it would snow here *sigh* but anyways, I got a WHOLE day with family to look forward to. Please enjoy the chapter and thank you so much for everybody's comments and support :) Happy reading and have a very happy holidays everybody!

**A Previous Summary: **Raven's day starts as any other but it quickly goes awry when she finds out that the Titans have thrown her a surprise party. As way of celebrating (and hopefully curing) her amnesia, the Titans invited everybody to bring food and gifts for the special occasion. All the Titans were eager to see Raven again, especially Raven's kids, but the party was too overwhelming for her. She had to sneak off to the roof to avoid other interactions and she refused to come down, even as Beast Boy tried to coax her to join him. It wasn't until after the party did Raven finally leave the roof and head back to her room, where Beast Boy surprised her yet again. After an argument like that, the last thing Raven expected was a gift from the green changeling. And not just any gift: it was Raven's journal.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 18: _Planning Ahead_

I almost didn't want to contact what lay in my lap. I must've sat there for a lifetime, staring down at my jet-black journal as if it was about to detonate. For so long, I had to cooperate without its existence, without its accessibility and support, so seeing it in the vicinity left me utterly speechless. A part of me didn't want to believe it either.

_Is it-?_

_I don't know,_ I answered stiffly.

_But how? How can it be true?_

_I don't know._

I had to clench my jaw to restrain a sob. With pinched eyes and a hard face, my fingers grazed the rough texture of the journal, the feeling that I come to adore and eventually miss each time I picked it up. The edges of the paper were slightly more wrinkled and weathered than I last remembered, however, it was in an excellent condition when compared to its previous appearance. There was no doubt it was my book and I began to feel a sense of joy, yet something prevented me from celebrating.

I broke open the book to one of the first few random pages. The ink that had bled onto the delicate sheaves was removed, almost seamlessly, and I noticed that all of my journal entries had been re-inscribed. The mangled font was messy and hardly-translatable at times but it was scribbled with care. I didn't need a comparison to realize that a green hand was responsible for the handiwork.

_This can't be true,_ I told myself.

_But what if it is? _wondered Timid.

_Then something's not right._

With the book held under my arm, I departed from my bedroom and hastily jogged down the hallway. I stood nearly breathless in front of Beast Boy's door and I didn't stop knocking until he respectfully answered. When he saw me, he reeled for a moment. He was quite distant as I strictly interrogated him.

"Where did you get this?"

"What do you mean? I made it."

"No." I stepped closer and held the book in front of his face: "_Where_ did you get this?"

Beast Boy was obviously uncomfortable but he played it off as if he was annoyed. It only frustrated me even more.

"You didn't want it anymore," he explained. "So I took it and fixed it."

"You just _fixed_ it?"

"Is something wrong?"

"I'm trying to understand, Beast Boy," I replied sternly. "Why would you want to fix it and then give it back to me for no reason?"

"You were upset about it, remember?" he asked me softly, to which my own voice fell in volume.

"Yeah, I remember."

The green changeling winced: "I hated to see you like that so I tried to fix it. I'm not good at writing; I messed up a lot too. Took me several times until it was good enough to read."

"It was drenched, Beast Boy," I told him. "It was completely ruined: the pages were falling off and I couldn't even read what I wrote."

"Yeah, it needed to dry for a long time. Probably spent hours using Starfire's hairdryer on it."

"Wait, so that was you?"

"Promise not to tell her," he said, trying to smile. "She'll get mad if she finds out it was me."

I looked down at the book in my hands, pondering over what to say next. I then opened it but I immediately noticed something that I hadn't seen before. On the inside cover, Beast Boy had carefully etched a note into the tough leather with a permanent pen. Only, upon reading a few lines, I realized that they were verses, not sentences. More specifically, they were the verses of a poem and not just any poem: _the_ poem.

I read the lyrical literature softly in my head as Beast Boy watched quietly, not sure whether he should feel embarrassed or bashful; he looked like a combination of both, actually. And as I read, Beast Boy's eyes followed the words as well, praying that what he had done was okay, but to me, it was _more _than okay.

It was absolutely _amazing._

**_Love and Loss_**

_Please be safe from the night,_

_as you sleep by my side,_

_never in pain,_

_never restrained,_

_but always free to fly._

_Shielded from harm,_

_from the evil that follows you as you pave_

_a life away from your haunting past,_

_from the false fate that you overthrew_

_for a life outside the boundaries of your heritage._

_Promise me your safety and your protection,_

_and in return I promise you mine._

_Balanced as one,_

_surrounded by our friends,_

_your life sustains along with my own,_

_for without your presence upon this Earth,_

_my heart will cease to beat._

My eyes fell to the last stanza of the work. I could hear Beast Boy's voice narrating as I traced the words and digested their hidden meanings. If I hadn't been trying to conceal my reaction, I would've had tears emerging from my eyes.

_At times, darkness may be a better friend_

_than the light,_

_but never forget who the enemy is._

The soundless song left me in shock. I must have read the title a dozen times because it fit so perfectly with the theme. It wasn't a work that deserved awards and praise and attention. In fact, it may not be considered poetry; it was just a bunch of sentences strung together, but there was meaning. It _meant_ something. Poems have literary devices but this one only used one: the entire thing is just one extended metaphor_._ There were references to love and life and it wasn't directed to the reader: it was directed to _me._ I've only heard him rehearse it once and an eternity has passed since then. Beast Boy had composed it with a reason and it's because of me. He didn't want anyone else reading or hearing it except me and that's because it's _for_ me.

It's _because of me._

And that's when my mind started to race.

Beast Boy had done all of this for me but I couldn't understand if he had a reason or not. Acts of kindness are merely rumours; no one would go through so much time and trouble to surprise someone. Even if they did, it would've been a fool choice. Although these efforts aren't worth the energy, Beast still did it. He did all of it for me. _Just _me. Nobody else. Even after the fight, he still felt the need to fulfill his goal. He wanted to do this and he did it for me. It wasn't like a peace-offering either. The argument happened not even an hour earlier; there was no possible way Beast Boy could put forth so much effort in so little time just to please me. The only explanation suggested that Beast Boy dedicated himself to this project for days, if not weeks, in discretion. Only, how did he manage to do it, and why did he want to do it? More specifically, why did he want to do it for me?

"Why did you give this to me now?" I asked as I continued to leer down at the journal. "Why _now_ after what happened earlier?"

"It was the only thing I could think of," he answered earnestly. "I thought it was the best way to say I'm sorry 'cause I was wrong to do that." His voice dropped lower: "I shouldn't have said that to you, _any _of that. You didn't deserve it at all and I felt so guilty about it."

"You're not the only one who feels guilty," I confessed. "I felt bad about it too. I just got so angry up there and I was already in a bad mood about the party. Honestly, I don't know what happened to me up there because I'm doubting if that was even me…"

The green-skinned boy took my words into consideration. He hung his head as he mustered up the courage to speak but I interrupted him first.

"I'm sorry."

"No."

"Yes, Beast Boy."

"No, you don't hafta apologize."

"Yes. _I do_, now I'm sorry. I started the whole thing when I should've just stopped talking."

"I shouldn't have bothered you anyway," Beast Boy protested. "That's what started everything."

"If you hadn't come, Beast Boy, I would probably still be angry with you guys," I assured him. "As much as it irritated me, you did the right thing‒and I appreciate that‒so thank you."

I clapped the novel closed and I gazed back up at the pea-green boy. He leaned closer to me as he spoke.

"We'll keep this between us," Beast Boy murmured. "Just you and me, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed.

The green changeling smiled softly as he stared into my eyes but he dropped his sight as soon as I returned the affectionate gesture. We both emitted heat from our cheeks. I'm sure we were both debating whether or not to give each other a hug as a timid _thank you._

"I'm gonna get to bed," he told me at last.

"Okay. Good night."

As I turned to leave, Beast Boy whispered something that caught my attention: "Good night, Rae."

He closed the door before I had a chance to look back at him. A few moments later, I secretly smiled to myself, hugged the journal into my chest, and strolled back to my bedroom.

* * *

My regular training schedule resumed the next day, just as I had predicted. It was only inevitable anyway. I realized this when Starfire knocked on my door in the morning. She seemed hesitant but she tried to be firm with me.

"We shall continue the training today," the alien announced through the door. "Please prepare within the next hour."

"I'll be out soon," I called back. "I just need a few minutes."

"As you wish."

Although I was willing, I was utterly exhausted from last night. I remained awake into the prime of twilight, the moon serving as my only companion. I had busied myself by reading and writing in my journal to keep it updated. There were plenty of significant dreams and mementos that I wanted to reiterate from ages ago. It took time to harvest whatever nocturnal visions existed within my memory but afterwards, I was clearly proud of my work. I probably only slept for an hour that night but I perked up as soon as I had a mug of herbal tea for breakfast. Besides, in the end, it was worth it; I was going to need that journal now more than ever.

As always, the training with Starfire spanned throughout the entire day but we made sure to rest and meditate frequently. Starfire wanted to focus more on my astral projection today so she repeated some lessons and also taught me new ones as well. She showed me how to further manipulate my powers to my advantage and explained that my abilities were not limited to certain talents. Creativity allows me to expand these esoteric skills. As the tangerine girl had mentioned earlier, "performing a repetitive action will not prove it to be effective."

I had hours to play around with my powers and it was actually fun to think of contemporary ways to wield my soul-self. I practiced molding my dark energy into different formations like jagged bolts and condensed spheres. I also learned how to _become_ my soul-self, almost like donning a set of armour. With this, I could create extensions of my hands and use the enforced barriers to deflect oncoming attacks. It was an easier tactic to access my abilities and by doing this, I could always be prepared to make a move, whether it was offensive or defensive. After being put to the test, it was verified to be a trustworthy strategy.

Starfire even gave me ideas on what I did in the past and how I could improve them. I must've practiced everything within my expanse of knowledge: levitating platforms; high-magnitude beams; dense domes and spheres; bullets made from my dark energy; extensions of my limbs. Whether it was done physically or mentally, I didn't move on until I deemed them perfect. Every dummy I encountered was reduced to a pile of their guts and yet my stamina hardly faltered. Starfire was simply pleased to see how much I enjoyed learning.

"I may not be able to assist as much as I would like anymore," she said.

"Why do you say that?" I asked her.

"You have exceeded beyond my knowledge for you," Starfire answered. "There seems to be nothing more than I can teach besides correcting your mistakes, which are infrequent."

"That doesn't mean I don't want you around. You're helping me more than you think!"

"The lessons will end here. From now on, you must be diligent and practice for the time being. Robin wishes to continue his training with you but you are finished with me."

"No way," I replied. "I can still use your help, Starfire."

"Really?" she wondered. "With what?"

"Just anything. I won't know what to do if I practice alone."

"I can come and watch on the occasion," suggested the green-sclera alien. "However, I do have my own agenda to complete."

After all, Starfire was right. No matter how much I protested for her to stay with me, I had already realized it was to no prevail. Starfire was busy already: she leaves for missions often and there's no telling when she and the other Titans would return. She takes time out of her booked schedule to help me use my powers everyday. It's a taxing experience but she does this knowing that it will be beneficial to me. I've been feeling guilty about it for a long time.

Besides, as she had claimed earlier, Starfire had my powers for merely a day. After weeks and weeks of training, I had to start going beyond Starfire's teachings in order to learn. Experimenting with my abilities and rehearsing them would be the only way to make more progress. Starfire viewed herself as useless when compared to me, but that didn't mean I wanted her to leave.

"I'm really sorry," I told her. "I know it's so much to ask."

"Say no more," the alien assured me with a gentle smile. "It is no bother."

"Just once in a while. Please? I can work on my own and I'm okay with that but I really like having someone here to watch me. Also, I've been itching to spar with you."

"Maybe another time," giggled the tangerine girl. "But for now, there is much improvement to make."

Once Starfire finally concluded the end of the session, I was nearly exhausted from exercising my powers. I shuffled to the elevator with her and we headed to the Main Ops room for lunch together. Starfire went into the kitchen to heat up some leftovers in the microwave for everyone while I seated myself on the crescent-shaped couch to wait. Beast Boy and Cyborg were engaged in another intense video game. Not knowing how else to pass the time before eating, I decided to watch them for entertainment.

It wasn't long before they were both on the final lap of the race. Cyborg used powerups to inflict damage on Beast Boy's car but he managed to swerve and avoid a majority of Cyborg's attacks. Beast Boy collected a powerup himself and tried to do the same but narrowly missed his target. With both cars gaining speed, neither of them could afford any setback; the boys' only intention was to focus on their car. They were on the last curve of the race and the two cars were grazing against each other, trying to shove their opponent off the track. As a devastating move, Cyborg tilted his controller and steered his car towards the green changeling's automobile. However, before they could contact, Beast Boy cleverly braked his car and Cyborg's avatar lost control and left the road. Beast Boy couldn't contain a laugh as he sped past the finish line.

"Well that's just _great_," he murmured as he fell back onto the cushions.

"Smooth one, Cy," laughed Beast Boy. "Ya almost had me."

"It was my race to win anyway, BB."

"Yeah right."

"Alright then," Cyborg exclaimed jokingly as he eyed me. "It's Raven's turn to play now."

"No, it's okay," I dismissed them but the teenaged boys wouldn't hear of it.

"Oh c'mon. It's fun! BB and I are pretty good ourselves but it's not rocket-science."

"No thanks. I really don't want to play."

"You haven't even tried it yet," encouraged Beast Boy. "You don't know until you play!"

"Yeah! Remember Stank Ball? You had fun, right?"

"I guess. Maybe a little..."

Cyborg refused to hear anymore of my protests. He shoved the controller into my hands: "You're up, Raven. Here. Give it a try!"

"I don't know even what to do!" I cried. "I haven't played this before!"

"No worries," said the green changeling as he leaned over. "It's like this."

I was holding the controller in both hands so Beast Boy reached over and placed his hands over mine, almost as if he was tenderly cradling them. He used his fingers to move my own over the buttons as a demonstration of their basic functions and maneuvers.

"You can steer with this," he explained as he pressed my thumb onto the rotating stick. "And click this to go. And when you want to break, click this one right here."

As he helped guide my fidgeting fingers to the proper buttons, I glanced up at him, realizing how close we had moved towards each other. When Beast Boy noticed me staring at him, he suddenly recognized what he was happening too. His ears drooped slightly as he backed away sheepishly, stalling the awkward encounter.

"And...yeah. That's about it," he nervously chuckled.

"What about the rules?"

"Stay on the road," snicked the mechanical man, who had been inspecting us carefully. "Do all that and you'll be super."

"I really shouldn't," I muttered.

"Well, I'm not taking 'no' for an answer," replied Beast Boy. "Tell you what, to make this more fun, wanna bet?"

"I'm not interested in food, Beast Boy."

"Then bet something else!" laughed the pea-green boy. "I'm open for ideas! What do you want if you beat me?"

Although the wager was invaluable, a part of me took it seriously. For the longest time, there had been only one thing I wanted from the Titans. Whether or not I would receive my prize, I decided to make the offer.

"If I win, I get to leave the Tower," I stated firmly.

"_Leave_ the Tower?" Cyborg repeated in disbelief.

"I haven't stepped foot off the island," I explained. "The only times I get to be outside is if I'm on the roof or if I get timed in the obstacle course. If I win, I want to be taken into the city with you guys."

"Really?" Beast Boy asked me.

"Really."

They were both very decisive about whether or not to challenge. Cyborg appeared to be completely perplexed as to why I would want such a reward and although Beast Boy seemed to understand, he was no where near accepting. In fact, he looked like he greatly opposed the idea. Something was holding him back and it prevented him from arguing but he didn't dare to mention it. He watched me with disapproving eyes but they mellowed upon sensing my seriousness. Not knowing what else to say, he simply pressed the start button on his controller and two cars drove up to the checkered line on the digital road.

"Alright," he said at last, his voice slightly raspy. "It's a deal."

We both gazed up at the screen expectantly, shifting restlessly in our seats. A dramatic countdown was being played and only after the signal could proceed with the competition. Beast Boy and I waited anxiously as the clock flashed its colors. When it hit zero, our fingers pinched the buttons and the cars launched onto the track.

Beast Boy never tried to hid the skills he acquired from years of video game experience. It was just seconds into the race and his car was already spewing smoke ahead of me. Steering seemed to be the biggest challenge for me. Our cars could go the same maximum speed but on each curve in the road, my vehicle would almost always skid and I'd be forced to break and start up again. Meanwhile, Beast Boy could swing through every turn and obstacle that came his way; he drove flawlessly in comparison to me. We were gaining a lot of distance apart from each other.

"Slow down into the turns," Cyborg instructed me as he observed the race. "Easy now with that speed."

When I came into the next turn, I released the button and allowed my car to coast for a bit. Sure enough, when I veered it right, the automobile was somewhat steadier. As soon as the track straightened out, I revved the engine and sped forward, much to my satisfaction.

"Get one of those powerups," the mechanical man said. "Aim for BB's car."

Beast Boy was a good distance ahead of me, but as I followed Cyborg's advice, I noticed that I was getting relatively closer to him. After we had passed the line, beginning our second lap, I ran my car into a powerup box. I projected a calculated attack with the weapon and it missed its initial target. However, Beast Boy had to heavily swerve to avoid a collision.

"Nice shot!" laughed Cyborg. "And not bad at all. That bought ya some time."

"Hey, c'mon, no cheating!" whined the pea-green boy. "Quit it!"

"Just balancing the competition," Cyborg responded with a smirk. "Keep it up, you two."

We inhaled the tension in the air as we firmly gripped our controllers. Beast Boy was now seated on the edge of the couch, leaning towards the screen as he rested his elbows on his knees. His demeanor was stiff and he jerked each time he pressed a button. His intense focus worried me and I found myself mirroring his rigid posture, accepting his challenge. Neither of us dared to utter a word.

Any loss of concentration could result in our fictional demise.

We each passed the checkered line another time, serving as our last checkpoint before the grand finish. The front of my car was now grazing the bumper of Beast Boy's vehicle. I tried turning into him, thinking I could spin out his rear wheels, but Beast Boy was careful not to contact me so much. He gained a powerup and tried to use it against me so I was forced to back off anyway. After that, I was gunning beside him. I took the inside of the next turn, which caught the green changeling by surprise. Despite our automobiles repeatedly bumping into one another, neither of us could throw the other off course. It turned into a neck-and-neck race where the winner could be determined by the fraction of a hair follicle. We took the last turn at great speed, the wheels on our cars screeching in pain, but as we zoomed towards the finish line, the screen suddenly glitched and faded to black.

"Woah!" said the mechanical man. "What happened? Where's the game?"

Beast Boy and I were surprised and clearly unable to say anything. The screen was still for a few seconds before it illuminated again. Instead of the video game, the projection displayed a map that I presumed was the city from a bird's perspective. A pulsing, red icon was centered on the map, indicating a crime in progress. Robin appeared beside us instantly.

"Great timing," Cyborg commented sarcastically.

_I'll say,_ Rude snorted in return.

"Sorry about that, guys," the masked Titan apologized as he rushed towards the main computer to silence the alarm.

"And it couldn't have waited like TWO seconds?" complained Beast Boy. He tossed his controller aside onto the couch: "Talk about being unlucky. We were so close to that finish line."

"So, what now?" I asked him. "That's it?"

Beast Boy shrugged sympathetically. Not knowing what else to say, we observed as Robin furiously pecked on the computer. The projection zoomed into the area of the map where the icon was located. Cyborg was now standing up to help him.

"Looks like we got another one," Robin announced stiffly.

"Who is it?" inquired Cyborg.

"Hard to say. It looks like there's been a crash. Police are already on the scene too."

Starfire had now joined the gathering. Not a minute ago, she was occupying herself in the kitchen with preparing an ample lunch for herself and her friends. After hearing the alert, she stopped working and decided to further investigate the situation.

"Should we head over there then?" Cyborg wondered.

"Perhaps we should," Starfire replied. "There is no certainty that this is due to the natural causes."

"I think you're right," Robin went on. "Best to play it safe."

As they were talking, I noticed Beast Boy moving restlessly in my peripheral vision. I knew what he was thinking because I was thinking the same thing too; he promised me something that I knew he would have trouble fulfilling and now the opportunity was unfolding before us. I didn't win the race and Beast Boy didn't either, but I still wanted to prize.

I summed up as much courage I could muster: "Do you think I can come?"

Upon announcing the question, all the Titans stopped conversing and spun around to face me. Their surprised reactions made me feel like I had greatly offended them, even though I meant no harm.

"You wanna go on this mission with us?" Cyborg countered back.

"Well, _yeah._"

There was a debate between Cyborg and Robin as they exchanged glances. Cyborg seemed indifferent but both Robin and Starfire appeared concerned. Beside me on the couch, the green-skinned boy seemed worried. Every time I tried to look at him, his eyes would fall to the floor. Robin then started to explain it to me.

"Going out there wouldn't be the best thing for you now. You're still grasping the basics."

"Then what do I need to know?" I asked him. "What should I do?"

"Why do you wanna come anyway?" said Cyborg. "It's not easy and you saw how we're like when we get home; why would you wanna do all that?"

"I've been watching you guys leave for months," I told them. "You've never told me what it's like out there, or where you've been, or what you were doing. Whatever it is, I want to be involved too."

"Your training has been improving," Starfire said thoughtfully.

"But that doesn't mean you're ready for it," Robin finished. "Not yet."

"Yeah, there _is_ still a lot you gotta do," Cyborg added. "We aren't makin' ya train for nothing. You'll see as soon as ya come out."

"But when can I come out?" I pressed on. "Why won't you let me leave?"

Robin looked pained as he tried to compromise with me so another Titan spoke up; "I kinda promised her," Beast Boy admitted quietly.

"What do you mean?" Robin questioned him.

"We made a little bet about it. I said she could leave the Tower if she beat me."

"And did she?"

Beast Boy cast a mournful expression my way: "Not exactly, but I feel horrible about bringing it up."

"It's true, man," sighed Cyborg in support for Beast Boy. "I was there for it too."

"So you bet a mission for her?" the masked leader clarified.

"More like a trip outside," continued Cyborg. "I didn't think she'd wanna do any of that."

"Please let me go," I pleaded, even though I didn't want to sound desperate. "The bet was just a joke and I knew it wouldn't happen but I still want to leave the Tower. I've been locked in this place for months! I'll go crazy in here eventually! Can't you let me go outside and into the city, even if it's for a _little _bit?"

The unsupervised adolescents were deeply ruminating about my request. They were considering the minute risks and the rare possibilities of encountering danger, although I failed to see any. I wanted to visit a more public atmosphere for once: I wanted to be somewhere else besides the Tower. I've roamed the halls and investigated nearly all of the rooms; the only way I could mitigate the sense of stir-craziness was to take a little vacation on the roof, and it was starting to become less and less helpful. I needed another remedy before my sanity eventually diminishes. At this rate, I could be days away from a physiological rampage.

At last, Starfire looked forlorn towards Robin before she turned to me. "We cannot permit you to leave today, Friend Raven. I am sorry." I was preparing to protest when she hastily finished her thought. "However, I am sure we can arrange the plans for another time."

It took me a moment to realize what the tangerine girl had said. My eyes lit up with bashful excitement.

"Really?"

"We could go tomorrow," Robin offered, looking around the room for approval.

"Yeah!" enthused Cyborg. "I think that's a great idea. Ain't anything goin' on tomorrow so ya know what? We'll _all _go out tomorrow. I'm drivin'!"

"Like, on a mission?" I asked hopefully.

"Not anything like that," replied Robin with a chuckle. "But I'm sure we can get you out of this place, just like you wanted, right?"

"Yeah," I said. "I've been wondering when the time would come."

"It shall be tomorrow then!" Starfire concluded.

"Thank you."

"No need," Robin assured me but I was persistent.

"No. _Thank you_. Really. I really appreciate this and I'm already so excited."

"And that's just what we want," Cyborg responded with a smile. "So it's all settled then for tomorrow."

"I hate to ruin a moment here, but we gotta go," Robin reminded us. "Nothing was picked up but we should still check it out."

"I'm with ya, then."

"Agreed," Starfire added.

"And you'll be okay here?" he asked me.

"Yeah," I said to Robin. "Of course."

"Alright. We'll be back soon. Titans, _GO!_"

Robin and Cyborg dashed for the door while Starfire took flight and soared after them, but Beast Boy hesitated to depart. He glanced at me expectantly and tried to speak but I interrupted him.

"It's okay." I urged him to leave. "Go! I'll be fine."

Although he seemed worried, he didn't want to argue. The green changeling smiled weakly, morphed himself into a hawk, and chased after the Titans.

* * *

The unsupervised teenagers were gone longer than I had expected. I was sure it wasn't their fault but it didn't stop the feeling of boredom. To keep busy, I went into the kitchen to finish preparing the meal Starfire was making, only to learn that I wasn't an excellent cook. She had been heating up a large bowl of macaroni and dairy-free cheese but she had to stop because of the alarm. Since then, it had grown cold and I had no appetite for it. In the end, I washed the dishes in the sink and put away the leftovers in case the Titans wanted it later. I served myself several slices of toast along with another mug of herbal tea and spent the rest of the time in my bedroom.

By the time my clock read 9:45, I heard footsteps outside my door so I left my bedroom to see who it was. Starfire had just returned and she was radiating exhaustion. She was aching to go to bed.

"You okay?" I asked her. "Where's everyone else?"

"They are upstairs discussing the plans for tomorrow," the tangerine girl informed me drearily. "And yes, I am fine. Thank you."

"Tough, huh?"

"Slightly taxing, yes, but it is done. Now I must retire for the night, Friend Raven. I apologize for interrupting the questions."

"No, it's okay," I soothed her. "I understand. I just wanted to ask you about tomorrow."

"Speak with Robin, Cyborg, and Beast Boy," said Starfire. "They bear the information of the plans."

"Alright. Thanks, Starfire. Good night!"

"Pleasant _shlorvax_!"

I carefully made my way to the Main Ops room, eager to question the other Titans about tomorrow. While I was approaching the door, I could barely detect their faint voices in the room but I caught fragments of an argumentative conversation. At times, one of their voices would crescendo to emphasize their point. I heard them mention things like "...we could do this instead..." and "...we'll be ready for it..." from everyone. Suddenly curious, I found myself eavesdropping instead of entering, which had been the initial idea. As I tuned into their discreet discussion, I couldn't help but feel concerned as well. Although the male Titans were arguing in a more compromised way, they still seemed to disagree on a lot of things.

"Do you think anyone will recognize her?" Beast Boy asked them worriedly.

"I'm not sure," said Cyborg. "It _is _kinda risky but that doesn't mean it's not safe."

"It's been months since she's been outside," Robin reminded them. "Besides, she's not even wearing her cape and hood. It's not like there's gonna be a press-conference out there. It's been months since the last interrogation anyway…"

"There's still a chance she could get noticed," Beast Boy went on. "All of the people in the city know about us. Maybe we should be more careful about this."

"I don't want her out long either, trust me."

"Then why are ya letting her go?" Beast Boy inquired. "Why are you doing this after everything?"

"You said it yourself, Beast Boy," Robin answered tiredly. "We've stopped Raven from doing all these things; we should let her do some too."

"Do you think she'll try to run away?"

"What makes you say that?"

"She _has _tried," said the green changeling. "And what if she doesn't like it out there? Maybe that's what she's trying to do: ditch us while we're distracted."

"We trust Raven," Cyborg replied. "And maybe that's what we gotta do; show her some trust. That's how we're gonna help her. Keeping her isolated isn't always the best thing…"

"But what if she tries to leave?"

"Raven wouldn't do that to us," said Robin. "Just trust her; it's gonna be okay."

"I _do_ trust her," Beast Boy declared with a reinforced voice. "But that doesn't mean it's gonna be okay."

A period silence followed the green changeling's last words. The air was fueled with anger and suspicion. They all agreed on one thing‒they wanted me to be happy‒but they disagreed on how they were going to make it happen.

"Why are you suddenly against this?" asked Cyborg to Beast Boy, almost accusingly. "You're the one who brought it up, am I right? You even bet her, man!"

"I felt horrible about it. It's what she wanted, Cy. How am I supposed to say 'no' to her? _Her?_"

"And now you're second-guessing yourself. Can you imagine how much _worse_ you'll feel if ya cancel out on her? She said it herself: it wouldn't have been the first time we didn't keep to our word."

"What else can I do?!" Beast Boy exclaimed. "She's going out there, dudes. She's going out _there_. I don't wanna make her upset but...c'mon, you can't blame me for being worried…"

"We're all going out there together," replied the masked Titan. "We'll take her in and out of the city and she's going to love it. She'll be so grateful."

"Yeah," he sighed. "I can't tell you how much I've missed her tiny smile."

"They're even rarer than usual," Robin chuckled lightly.

"I'm with ya," Cyborg agreed. "Probably the biggest thing I miss about her."

Since I didn't want to hear anything else about me, I decided to make an entrance and reveal myself. I also didn't want to risk waiting too long because eavesdropping will eventually lead to a surprised discovery. It could have made matters worse for either them or me.

"Hi."

The Titans were all startled by my unexpected greeting but they played it off so I wouldn't get suspicious. However, I was already aware of their conversation.

"Did I interrupt at a bad time?"

"Nah, it's all good," Cyborg assured me, even though I could sense his anxiety. "But we thought of some places to go tomorrow."

"Like what?" I wondered as I took a seat on the couch.

"Do you like pizza for lunch?" Robin asked me with a smile.

"Sounds great!" I enthused more enthusiastically than I should have been. "What else are we going to do?"

"Maybe we'll swing by the park," Cyborg continued. "And I'm sure there's a few stores you'll wanna browse."

"Okay. It sounds nice!"

"It'll be fun," said Robin. "So, what's up? Is there something you wanted to tell us?"

"Huh? Oh, uhh, no. No, it's okay. I just wanted to know the details for tomorrow."

"Alright then," grunted Cyborg as he rose from his seat on the couch. "I'm getting to bed before I fall asleep walking there."

"Yeah, me too," said Beast Boy. He looked at Robin: "Aren't ya coming?"

"In a sec," Robin replied. "I got some stuff to sort through. You guys go on ahead."

"If you say so."

We all bid each other a good night before we went our separate ways. The mechanical man and the green changeling departed from the room together while I went out the door on the opposite side, leaving Robin alone at the computer. Although I left feeling uneasy, I attempted to reassure myself; _It's okay,_ I thought. _Just get ready for tomorrow. It's going to be a big day and the last thing I want is for there to be a problem._

* * *

**Author's Note: **Now since I posted so early, it'll take longer for me to post again (I feel so bad about that). I have finals after my break (it's a weird school thing) so I won't have much time to write because I have to study. With that, the next time I'll be posting is on January 18th and then I'll resume my regular posts on every other Sunday. I hope that's okay :) By the way, I greatly appreciate all the support. You guys are the best. Anyways, until next time, stay safe and enjoy the holidays!


	19. The Play-date

**Author's Note: **Hi everybody! It's so good to be back. Thank goodness my finals are over because I was ready to collapse from all the studying (I think I bruised my hand from writing for so much...). So the other day, I basically planned out the rest of the story. I knew what was going to happen (I had the plot and ending and everything figured out), but I did this HUGE break-down for each chapter and I realized just how long this story really is (like, this thing could be a novel or something, like _Harry Potter _sized maybe, but nowhere near as good XD). It kinda made me laugh, and I was also like "dammit!" so I don't know if that's a good thing. As much as I love this story, it is REALLY long, which I don't think is attractive to readers (most FanFiction I read is really short and fluffy...and then there's my story... *sigh*). So what do you guys think? I know I get "wordy" often so I'll try not to do that as much. Do you guys think I should keep going or try to shorten it or what? I seriously don't know but I won't stop you guys anymore. I'll let you read now :)

**A Previous Summary: **The return of Raven's journal left Raven in utter shock. It took Beast Boy a lot of time to mend the paper and bindings, to which she is extremely grateful. In fact, it also solidified their growing relationship. After Raven's final lesson with Starfire, she decides to watch Cyborg and the green changeling play a video game. Not too long afterwards, she accepts a challenge against Beast Boy and they both strike a deal: if Raven wins, she's allowed to leave Titans Tower. Although there's no clear winner due to an emergency, Beast Boy decided to stay true to his word and he told the other Titans about the bet. They're all hesitant to agree, knowing there are dangerous factors outside the secured Tower. They won't let Raven go on a mission‒at least, not yet‒but they are enthused by the idea of a group outing and they decide to plan it for tomorrow. In the end, Raven does have second-thoughts: she knows Beast Boy and the Titans have their worries, so why shouldn't she feel the same way too?

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 19: _The Play-date_

That morning, everybody stirred awake earlier than usual. A sense of excitement radiated from each of the Titans, including me as well. We were buzzing with the prospect of leaving the Tower together; apparently, it's been ages since the last time there had been a social, "team" outing. My Emoticlones and I were indeed eager for the day's events and ready to get started, but we also proceeded cautiously. My mixed emotions made it difficult to remain calm.

_Today is a big day! _Happy sang from within Nevermore. _Today we're going out!_

_I almost don't believe it, _Wisdom said.

_Me either,_ I agreed. _I don't know what to expect._

_It's going to be so much fun!_ my pink, energetic Emoticlone went on.

_And scary, _added Timid mournfully.

_Oh, don't be such a wuss, _Rude said. _You know this is a good thing for us._

_As long as nothing bad happens: I mean, what if we get lost? The city looks so big from here..._

_The only bad thing that could happen is if we DON'T leave._

_Well I wouldn't say that, _I thought. _I mean, I don't even know what it's like out there. Can I really trust everybody with this?_

_They are trusting you, _Wisdom challenged. _They are willing to risk so much for your sake of being happy. How can you not return the favor?_

_I don't know, _I sighed. _They do look excited though..._

_Then what are we waiting for? _Happy cheered. _Hurry! We're wasting daylight!_

Immediately after I had woken up, I wanted to deliberately prepare as if the faster I get ready then the faster we would depart. I rinsed myself at a record-breaking pace in the shower and didn't bother to dry off before scampering back to my bedroom to change. The closet was raided several times to find the ideal outfit for today. On a normal basis, I donned comfy, pajama-like clothes throughout the Tower, mostly for the convenience of training. They were a kind of athletic garments that I could sweat in and, afterwards, sleep in. However, I wanted to dress more appropriately and‒more importantly‒I wanted to impress the Titans. That meant I needed to wear something different.

As I scrolled past the clothes on the hangers, I came across the female mannequin that presented the goth-inspired costume. Naturally, I stopped myself to consider the choice. I figured that the Titans weren't going to change into another outfit. They seemed quite content to remain in their usual uniform, which I assumed was because of the many qualifications and responsibilities of their active jobs. I already stood out from them anyway‒and I wasn't proud of it‒but I didn't know if I was willing to blend with them. I fingered the edges of the proactive garments for a while longer before I pushed the mannequin back into the closet.

I ended up selecting a more casual outfit from the dresser. I found a pair of skinny jeans in one of the drawers and in another, I picked out a lavender tank top to go with it. On the floor of my closet, I chose a pair of black shoes and I also found a light grey messenger bag that had been stashed away in the corner. Thinking it could be useful, I pulled it out and decided to bring it with me, not knowing what to expect from today's outing. I packed my Book of Azar in it and the neatly-folded sheet that I stole from the Infirmary, remembering that Cyborg mentioned something about visiting a park. My hair was quickly groomed, the bag was slung over my shoulder, and I stepped out into the hallway, nearly bumping into Starfire.

"Oh, sorry!" I hastily apologized. "Sorry about that, Starfire!"

"You are in a hurry?" she wondered with a smile. "We will not be departing for a while. There is no need to worry."

"Yeah, I know. I guess I'm just so excited to get going. I'm already dressed and packed up for today."

"So I see," Starfire replied.

"Wait," I said, reaching out to her as she turned to leave. "Will I need money for this? I have the money from the party you guys threw a while ago so I can use that. I mean, you guys mentioned going to stores but I don't know how much I should bring."

"Do not fret," the tangerine girl assured me. "We shall be fulfilling the necessary funds. If you wish to purchase something, please inform me! I would be more than happy to give you something in memory of today."

"Well, thank you," I said, not knowing how else to express my gratitude. "That's too kind of you."

"You are very welcome, Friend Raven. Now please go and speak with Robin and the others. I am sure there is more for them to say."

* * *

Using Starfire's advice, I took the elevator up a level and started heading towards the Main Ops room. As I was walking down the hallway, I encountered Beast Boy, who was also trekking to meet the other Titans. He gave me a warm greeting that I returned graciously.

"Hi."

"Hey, Beast Boy," I responded.

"You ready? You have a bag and everything."

"Thanks," I chuckled. "Yeah, I'm very excited."

The green changeling gazed down the corridor; "Same here," he said. "Apparently, Robin's been at it all night. We're making a ton of stops today."

"Like where?"

"Just to all sorts places like stores and shops to buy stuff. And after that, we're gonna eat and hang out at the park for the rest of the day."

"Is it okay that we're doing this?"

Beast Boy seemed taken back: "What?"

"We'll be okay, right?" I reiterated. "Like, it's not like this is a _mission_ or whatever with your job…"

"No, nothing like that," he answered quickly. "Why you asking?"

"I just wanted to make sure," I stalled. "You know, because we were talking about it last night and-"

Beast Boy was watching me carefully as we walked side-by-side. I could tell he was getting suspicious the more I tried to conceal my lies. I started to stutter too.

"Sorry," I confessed at last. "I'm just...I- I don't know, I'm worried too, like happy and scared at the same time and I know what you guys are going through to make this possible for me but I feel horrible about it and-!"

Beast Boy gently grabbed my upper arm and pulled me to a stop. As I tumbled over my words, I was starting to walk faster and faster without my notice so he had no choice but to make me stop altogether and breathe. Both of his hands found my upper arms and he gazed reassuringly into my face. His shimmering, emerald eyes were stern yet consoling as he spoke.

"We just want to have a normal day," he said. "The plan was to take you in and out of the city safely but listen, the other Titans never wanted you to know any of this. They didn't want you worrying about it either. Your job is to have fun today and we'll take care of the rest."

"But what about your job?"

"We're doing the best we can. We called the Titans East and they're sorta 'taking our shift' from us. Anything that comes us is going to be sent to them. We aren't doing anything else today but this."

"It sounds a little risky..."

"Yeah, it's kinda a big thing. This is basically our first day-off since...well…since forever."

"Oh."

"But we couldn't have prepared for this anymore than we did. We all pitched in to make this happen. Just please roll with it."

I looked down as I chewed on my lip; "I'm not saying I'm _not_ thankful for this," I articulated to the green-skinned boy. "I'm just saying I'm nervous. Leaving the Tower is a big step for me, you know?"

"Everyone thinks that too," Beast Boy admitted quietly.

He released me and stepped away sheepishly. We then both started walking again, wincing as we traveled within the awkward silence. Even though we were both embarrassed, a part of me wanted to be certain.

"Are you sure?"

"About what?" challenged Beast Boy.

"About _this_," I insisted.

"Yeah, everything's fine."

"Really?"

"Stop it, Raven. Don't push it."

"Don't push _what_, Beast Boy?"

"I didn't mean like that," he said quickly.

"No, seriously; don't push _what?"_

"I just don't wanna keep talking about this."

"Why not?" I demanded.

"Because everything is fine and, like I said, you should leave it to us. There's nothing to worry about."

"Well you weren't saying that yesterday."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because I heard you last night," I blurted.

"I thought-?" started Beast Boy, but I didn't let him finish his sentence.

"No. I _heard_ you. You guys were arguing about this last night and you won't tell me anything about it. You're trying to hid it from me so I wouldn't notice but you know what? It's actually _scaring_ me the more you try to keep it to yourself! How am I supposed to feel safe when everyone doesn't? Tell me that, Beast Boy: how?"

He gave me a moment to stew before he respectfully answered: "You weren't supposed to know _anything_ about this, okay? I'm trying to be the good guy here and the best thing for ya is to stay low-key. You gotta stop this."

"Stop from doing what?"

"Stepping in," he said. "Getting in the way of things. I'm sorry, Raven, but you do do that. Especially eavesdropping. God only knows how many times you've done that." I blushed when he mentioned the idea of me spying on their conversations. Luckily, he didn't talk too much about it since he sensed my discomfort. "My point is you have enough on your plate already; there's no reason to put on more."

"I'm not going to stand here and act oblivious when you're trying to hid a world of problems," I told him sternly. "I should know about them too. You guys are just taking the fall for me and I don't want that if it makes matters worse for you."

"We're doing this _because _of you," Beast Boy corrected me. "You're not being selfish at all; you're probably the least-selfish person I know, Raven."

"That doesn't change anything," I muttered. "About the situation, about my amnesia, about _us_…" My voice trailed off as my cheeks started to swell with embarrassment: "Nothing changes…"

Sensing my despair, the green changeling stepped closer towards me and I bowed my head, feeling ashamed. His gloved hand tenderly entwined with mine but he did so cautiously, as if he feared I would reject his comfort. In response, I squeezed his hand to alleviate the tension in my chest. The gesture actually brought relief for the both us.

"C'mon," he sympathetically said at last as he gently pulled me down the hallway. "We don't wanna be late, not on a day like this."

* * *

The door to the Main Ops room slid away for us and we both entered simultaneously. The only other person in the room was Robin. He was in the kitchen where it looked like he was safely packaging a meal in a picnic basket on the counter and since he was working, he never noticed neither me nor Beast Boy come in. The pea-green boy, feeling the need to make it up to me, spoke up suddenly.

"Want anything to eat before we go?" he asked me. "Like some herbal tea or something? It's gonna be a bit before we actually have lunch."

"No, it's okay," I told him. "I was just about to make it myself anyway."

"Well then I'll make it for you."

"Thanks, but you really don't need to."

"It's no big deal," he assured me. "It'll be done in no time. C'mon."

I followed Beast Boy into the kitchen and seated myself in a stool at the isolated counter. While he gathered the necessary supplies to concoct my tea, Robin and I were having a conversation. The masked boy never stopped stuffing the basket with snacks and refreshments.

"What's that for?" I inquired.

"We're gonna need to eat _something_ for dinner, right?" he countered back. Robin briefly examined my clothes before he looked back up to grin at me; "You look great!" he said.

"I feel even better," I replied, although it was somewhat of a lie. "My heart might as well burst with excitement."

"Well, we don't want any of that," Cyborg joked as he strolled up to join the conversation.

"How's everything downstairs?" the masked boy asked the mechanical man.

"Super. Everything's all set and I got the T-car packed up in the garage. We're ready to go anytime."

Beast Boy delivered a steaming mug of my favorite brew directly into my hands. I thanked him with a glance and he merely nodded, knowing how much it meant to me. My hands gingerly cupped the mug as I sipped the tea, listening to Robin and Cyborg converse.

"Alright," announced Robin. "We got the car, the food, money…"

"Yup," said Cyborg. "So that's that. Anything we missed?"

"Perhaps _these_?"

Starfire's entrance caught everybody by surprise. She was floating in the air and she held up a neon-green frisbee in one hand and a football in the other. Everyone was gawking at her.

"I oughta kick myself for forgetting," Cyborg laughed as he retrieved them. "Thanks, Star!"

"What else shall we be doing at the park?" the green-sclera alien teased. "I nearly have forgotten them myself!"

"Here," I offered as Cyborg came back into the kitchen. "We can put them in my bag for later. I don't mind it."

"Great! Works out perfectly."

I stashed away the frisbee and the football in the messenger bag and properly closed it. Robin tossed a few more supplies like napkins and plastic silverware into the basket before reviewing the entire order. The basket was sealed and Starfire took it into her arms with ease.

"So that's it, then?" Cyborg wondered. "Are we all good here or what?"

"Anything else to add?" Robin asked everyone, to which we all shook our heads. "Then I guess we're ready!"

Without further speculation, Cyborg led the group onto the elevator and he took us down to one of the lowest levels. The doors on the platform split open into a large, spacious garage beneath Titans Tower. It had grand, cement walls, speckled with blueprints and diagrams, and workbenches were placed periodically throughout the area. I saw all sorts of tools and enough supplies and spare parts to build an empire. By the way the mechanical man loped about the room, I could deduce that it was practically his second home.

Among the machinery, the garage was full of automobiles. These vehicles ranged from cars to motorized bikes and even high-powered scooters. Some of them were incomplete and lacked wheels but the others were neatly parked side-by-side, prepared to take off in a moment's notice. One of which happened to be a sleek, white car with cybernetic implants, much alike the very components that made up Cyborg's being. I obediently followed the unsupervised teenagers into the car as they stashed away the last few things into the trunk.

Cyborg seated himself in front of the wheel and Robin rode as his passenger. Everyone else took to the back seats. Beast Boy wanted me to have the window seat‒which I was insanely thankful for‒and he offered to sit in the middle while Starfire took the other outside seat. We all buckled up and Cyborg altered the rear-view mirror so he could see us in the reflection.

"Are y'all ready?" he asked us.

In response, Beast Boy and Robin hooted enthusiastically while Starfire and I had to contain a laugh. Satisfied by the cheerful response, the mechanical man ignited the engine and he smiled as his machinery purred.

"Alright then! Let's head out!"

Not ten minutes later, we were driving into the city through a long, dark tunnel. I pressed against the window, preparing for my first experience in the foreign environment. To the unsupervised teenagers, this must have been a daily routine. Cyborg stepped on the gas pedal and the T-car sped forward, thrusting itself into a blinding mass of light. I squinted hard, allowing time for my eyes to adjust so I could see my surroundings more clearly. When I gazed up again, my breath hitched in my throat.

All of the Titans were amused by my reaction. I must have looked like a fat kid in a candy store. I leaned awkwardly in my seat so I could absorb the scenery with my hungry eyes. So many things were going on at once that I almost didn't know where to look first. My eyes darted everywhere but I didn't have much time to see everything. We were on the highway so the T-car had to regulate with the common speed.

"Welcome to Jump City," Robin proclaimed.

"Woah," was all I could say.

Peering out the other window on Starfire's side, I could see the bay that connected the ocean to the city's borders. Not too far away from that, the isolated Tower stood, shadowing the urban land. Beast Boy, who had traced my sight to Titans Tower, shook his head.

"So close and yet so far," he remarked quietly.

I watched with awe as Cyborg steered us deeper and deeper into the city. I almost started to feel claustrophobic with the close proximity of my surroundings. Everything was laid out like a grid: the congested city roads framed the business properties and buildings. Venders sat on street corners, serving hot food to hungry customers, and pedestrians milled about the sidewalk on their own behalf, enjoying the day. Cyborg parallel-parked the T-car and I scrambled out of the vehicle, catching my first whiff of free air.

That's when I noticed all of the strange glimpses I've been receiving from the moment I arrived.

There were a lot of people traveling downtown. Some were men in clean business suits while others were merely groups of teenagers. One of them happened to be a little girl who was accompanied by her supposed mother. She pointed at me as she publicly alerted her guardian.

"Look! Look, it's-!"

The woman politely hushed her before the little girl could finish what she was going to say. She then looked up at me and hesitated to apologize because she seemed to remember something. The woman grabbed the child's small hand and quickly ushered her away, not daring to make eye-contact with me again.

_Well that was strange, _I heard Sloth mumble in an annoyed tone.

_Why did she seem so scared? _I thought. _Did she recognize me?_

_Have you SEEN the Titans? _Rude said. _You're running around with kids in multicolored suits. They don't exactly fit in and that's bound to attract attention._

_I guess so._

Everyone congregated together on the sidewalk as the pedestrians shuffled around us. Cyborg wanted to relay the plans before we could begin.

"I was thinking we could get some shopping done," he said. "How 'bout we hit up some places before we eat?"

"A wonderful idea!" enthused Starfire.

"Everybody can pick a store they wanna go to and we'll all go together. After a bit, we'll keep taking turns until lunch."

"So where are we going then?" I asked.

"Raven should go first," Beast Boy announced with a grin towards my direction, to which all the Titans immediately agreed.

"Really?"

"Well, it _is_ your day," Robin told me.

"Start us off, Raven!" encouraged Cyborg.

"Yes! Please, we insist!" Starfire giggled.

"Anywhere ya want," Beast Boy assured me. "Just lead the way."

* * *

For the next hour and a half, the Titans and I were meandering from place to place. As planned, we each took turns guiding the group to a different shop and the Titans were recognized nearly everywhere. No matter where we went, someone happened to notice us, whether it was the manager of the business or a fellow shopper. People showered us with discounts and even offered us free gifts for our service, much to my surprise. However, despite their generosity, the Titans never gave up their modesty.

Since I wasn't familiar with the city, our first stop had been to a tiny, Jump City gift shop. Although I considered it a waste of the choice, the Titans made the trip entertaining for us. The boys frolicked around in the store while Starfire and I browsed the trinkets and collectibles in the tourist trap. Cyborg nearly died with laughter when Beast Boy found a miniature replica of Titans Tower for sale and offered it to him as a joke. In the end, Starfire paid for it, claiming it was "simply adorable" before she led us to the next location.

The tangerine girl was thrilled to encounter a department store and she nearly dragged us inside. Fascinated by the modern style, she tore clothing off racks and urged us to try it on. Robin laughed as Starfire tried to persuade him into ugly clothes while Cyborg, Beast Boy and I agreed to assemble an outfit and model it for each other, sort of like a small competition. After Cyborg emerged from the changing room wearing a black leather jacket, he mocked the outfit Beast Boy chose for himself. The green changeling wore an over-sized t-shirt with baggy jeans and a baseball cap that he purposely tilted sideways. The green changeling lamely imitated a rapping gangster while Cyborg pretended to be a greaser and he slicked back his fictional hair, which only made them laugh harder. However, they fell silent with awe when I came out to greet them.

Previously, I discovered a section of the store that was full of dresses and formal wear and I was compelled to graze through the inventory. The dress I had selected was conforming to my bust, held up by thin straps, and it hovered just slightly above my knees. It was high-waisted and the fabric was solid black and embroidered in a thin, silver pattern. I strutted out awkwardly because I also tried to match the garments with a pair of silver heels but they were a size too big for my feet. When the boys saw me, they had trouble speaking.

"Wow," Cyborg complimented me; he seemed thoroughly impressed. "That dress looks great on ya!"

"You look beautiful," Beast Boy whispered, his eyes wrinkled from his soft yet endearing smile.

"Thanks," I said. "The heels are killing me though."

"Well, at least you're taller than BB, here," Cyborg chuckled as Beast Boy blushed. "So I'm guessing ya won the contest?"

"I don't know. I think Beast Boy's is pretty convincing," I answered playfully.

"Whatever," said the pea-green boy. "I'm getting outta this stuff."

Although I decided not to purchase the lovely attire, Starfire was able to convince Robin to get a few shirts that she picked out for him. Beast Boy kept the hat for himself and Cyborg bought the jacket too, even though he claimed he'd never wear it. We walked out with bags in our hands, following Cyborg to his destination.

The next store seemed like a popular option for them because Cyborg was really excited to start shopping. I couldn't quite remember the name of it but it was recognizable because it only sold products that were advertised on television. There was a wide variety of clever gadgets, revolutionary inventions, and expensive toys displayed around the room for the customers' convenience. The employees even encouraged us to play with them so we all decided to split up to cover more ground.

Starfire was tasting an inedible kinetic sand, much to witnesses' disgust and the manager's objection, and Cyborg was snoozing peacefully in a massaging chair worth over three thousand dollars. I was inspecting some of the tools on the shelves with Robin when a loud _crash _erupted from across the store. The mechanical man snapped awake from his nap and everyone craned their neck towards the origin of the noise. I don't think I've ever seen Beast Boy's ears droop so low.

"I can't believe ya," Cyborg muttered after we left the store with haste. "I really needed some more me-time in that chair…"

"I can see the priorities here," I joked sarcastically.

"Easy now, guys," said Robin. "It's not that big of a deal. I made sure it was paid for, and a little extra for their trouble."

"That 3D, holographic, glass cube must've been great while it lasted, huh, BB?"

"Lay off," the pea-green boy snorted. "It's my turn now. C'mon!"

At first, when we arrived at the destination, the Titans were quite hesitant to enter. Cyborg gave Beast Boy a quizzical glance but he pretended not to notice. He was busy gazing at me, waiting for the realization.

He had stopped us in front of a tiny bookstore.

It was Beast Boy's turn to pick a place to go and, according to the standards, we had to go wherever he chose. The area was like a strip-mall because it had a large congregation of shops, including a pharmacy, boutiques, and even a video game store. However, out of everything that is located here, Beast Boy led us to the bookstore.

"Can we-?" I asked, although I stopped myself because I knew it wasn't my turn.

However, Beast Boy gestured to the door with a smile: "Go for it!"

I was the first inside the store and the Titans entered soon afterwards. Beast Boy wasn't exactly interested in the books, especially when compared to me. More accurately, I was the most enthusiastic person about visiting the store. Robin and Cyborg waited patiently by the door while Starfire grabbed a basket and started to shop as well. Beast Boy merely watched with a satisfied expression. Not too far away, Cyborg leaned over to chat with the two other male Titans.

"I can't remember the last time I've seen Raven this happy," he commented with a grin.

I felt myself discreetly blush, but it wasn't from shame: _Me either…_

Out of all the novels within the store, there was only one thing that caught my attention. Although I was tempted to buy things from the other places we visited, I declined because I hated having to use their hard-earned money. I was nervous to ask Starfire because it felt rude. I despised myself for requesting her help but I swore to make it up to her. I just prayed she wouldn't think i was taking advantage of her kindness.

"Hey, Starfire? Do you think I-? Well, I was wondering if…"

Starfire carefully took my hand and inspected what was in my grip. She gazed down at it mournfully but when she looked up again, she had this smile that could make an evil heart convulse from guilt. Starfire knew exactly why I would want it because even she remembered the devastating occurrence. The tangerine girl seemed more than understanding.

"Of course, Friend Raven," she said.

"I promise I'll pay it all back," I told her. "Every penny."

"There is no need for that. Allow me." Starfire took it from me and added it to her basket: "Is there anything else you wish to own?"

"No, just that. Thanks again, Starfire."

"You are more than welcome."

Starfire bought everything in her basket and had mine gift-wrapped in a pastel bag with tissue paper. Although the male Titans didn't buy anything from the bookshop, they were highly respectful and never tried to rush us. Once Starfire and I were ready, we thanked the employees and left as a group. Beast Boy walked beside me and leaned over as he talked.

"What did ya get?"

I reached inside the bag, pulled it out, and wordlessly handed it to the green changeling. He grew silent as we walked, our eyes both staring at the object in his gloved hands. The metal bookmark was silver-toned and its sides were etched with undulating vines with thorns. On the other end, an elegant, three-dimensional rose charm dangled on a thin, beaded chain. Beast Boy had to swallow before speaking.

"I like it."

I smiled softly as he handed it back to me; "Me too," I whispered.

It was about a quarter after one when Robin told us to follow him. The next destination wasn't too far away from the complex of shops but I didn't realize where we were going until we arrived. It took me by surprise for a moment because Robin wasn't leading us towards a store; instead, he led us to a restaurant.

This popular business was at the peak of an active intersection, overlooking the movement of urban life. The building itself was triangular in shape and it accurately represented the food that was prepared there: pizza. From above, the red umbrellas on the yellow deck must have looked like a pepperoni topping too. It was almost too humorous to me but the unsupervised teenagers treated the restaurant like a long-lost memento. There was no doubt that it was one of their favorite hangout spots but judging by their expressions of excitement, it must have been ages since the last time they gathered here together.

One could only wonder what had happened.

We spent a lot of time dining there, but a majority of it was conversing. The Titans enjoyed themselves by telling jokes and stories over their dishes of pizza. They sipped their carbonated beverages and laughed until they were bearing tears. Although I've seen them like this before, it was the first time that I actually joined them.

It was one of the rare moments where I felt like I _belonged_ with them.

I commented on their anecdotes and laughed along with the Titans. I also had the inspiration to tell stories of my own, even though they weren't my own personal experiences. The teenagers were overjoyed by my involvement and, overall, everybody was in a good mood. It was also the highest euphoria that I've ever felt, and I was extremely grateful for this social opportunity to participate in it.

Once everybody was satisfied, we generously tipped our waiter, grabbed some leftovers, and left the restaurant with wide smiles. It took a while to get back to the T-car but I didn't mind it. The boys liked to mess around like children and Starfire and I chased after them, cackling along the way. It was a strange alter-ego than I was used to at the Tower; the Titans were much sterner and protective, like a group of guardians to me. Now, we were just a misfit group of kids. Never in a million years would I have imagined this happening.

When we reached the T-car, we placed our purchases and leftover food in the trunk, and piled inside. Cyborg sat in the driver's seat and twisted around to face us.

"Last stop of the day," he announced to us. "I think you're gonna love this one, Raven."

* * *

Among this active and polluted industrial environment, there was a sector of the land that isolated itself from its urban neighbors. It was obviously man-made and it was basically the epicenter of the city but it presented a more bucolic sense that I initially assumed it would have. Even after entering the park, the harmful commotion of honking cars and shouting pedestrians seemed to segregate against the pacifying aspects of manicured yet undomesticated nature.

The setting included vast fields that cultivated a healthy blanket of grass. Cement sidewalks were laced through the estate like a ribbon, connecting it to gardens, areas of recreation, and the grand plaza. It was speckled with picnic tables, benches, and grills, inviting guests to use them for their pleasure. We sauntered past bantam ponds and hedges trimmed to perfection and I enjoyed the exploration by actively seeking for patches of greenery. The flowers that were blooming in the springtime air had peaked in beauty, especially the fair roses.

"Over there!" Beast Boy exclaimed, pointing towards a certain region of the park. "C'mon! This is one is one of my favorites!"

We all followed the green changeling towards the empty spot and began to prepare it for our camp. The place was large enough for us to use privately. We had enough space to spread out without greedily stationing ourselves too. Once the blankets were all laid out on the ground and we were comfortably settled, Robin immediately wanted to start a game with the Frisbee and everyone was quick to agree.

I politely declined their offer but urged them to play without me. It was actually more entertaining to watch them run around in the lush fields while I relaxed along the sidelines, cheering whenever someone made a good play. After occasional glances in their direction, I would occupy myself by reading the Book of Azar that I had brought along in my messenger bag. I was comfortably reclined against a tall tree where shade was prosperous, enjoying the serenity and blissful aura of the location. Despite its publicity, the park was somewhat vacant, except for a few outliers. Every now and then, kids would ride their bikes past us along the sidewalk and pet owners would walk on by with their dog on a leash. Even with that, the only other sounds I heard were birds chirping and leaves rattling in the timid breeze; it was hard to believe that we were in the middle of a city.

I looked upward and thanked the sky for blessing me with these pleasant circumstances. The day had seemed so perfect and, just as Cyborg had predicted, this final destination has officially been labeled as my favorite. It was just another one of those rare moments where I could truly‒and unconditionally‒say that I felt happy.

We must have hung out there longer than we initially planned. The sun was winking over the horizon when the Titans stopped their game and decided to rejoin me by our camp. We lounged in the grass for a little while, snacking on what was left in the picnic basket and appreciating what time we had left before we would have to leave. Amiable conversations sprung up about us.

"We have to do this again," I said suddenly.

"You liked today?" Robin asked me.

"This was probably the best day I've ever had since...well, since as long as I can remember."

"I must agree," Starfire gushed. "I cannot remember the last time we have had the fun together. I wish to do this more often!"

"Me too," added Beast Boy.

"It was a nice day off," Cyborg concluded. He looked at me with a hinting smirk: "And you know how often we have days off."

"Yeah," I replied. "But...thank you. This meant a lot to me."

"Anytime," Robin answered with a smile. He gazed around for a moment before he started to stand. "It's getting late. We should get going, team."

"Yeah, you're probably right," Cyborg groaned as he sat up. "Hate to say it but we better get back. Tomorrow's gonna be a normal day. Back to the same, old stuff."

"It's a shame," sighed the green changeling and the Titans all pitifully agreed.

We packed up everything and made our way out of the park, our spirits high yet feeling a sense of longing. The T-car was stocked, we all buckled up, and Cyborg pulled away from his parking spot beside the park. As we entered the road, I immediately noticed something different. Gazing out my side of the window, I realized how the number of people outside had severely diminished. In fact, the streets and sidewalks now seemed so _empty _in comparison to how they looked not hours ago. The Titans seemed aware of this too but I didn't have a chance to question it.

Without warning, Cyborg had slammed on the breaks, interrupting my curious thoughts. We were all thrown forward from the force and I barely stopped myself from hitting my head on the seat in front of me. By the time I recovered, my heart was pulsing rapidly from panic.

Nothing good could come from this.

"No way," Cyborg uttered furiously.

Robin sat up cautiously, as if too much movement would attract attention. Starfire gasped and Beast Boy gazed out the windshield with a look of terror. Struggling to comprehend what was happening, I peeked around the seats to catch a glimpse of what had startled the Titans. The moment I did, a pair of stone-cold, gray eyes met mine.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Okay, so this chapter was both exciting to write and very stressful too. I had Writer's Block for the majority of time writing this (it wasn't pretty) but I'm happy that I finally got to post it and this will always be one of my favorite chapters (I'm sure you know why). I hope you guys liked it too (it's about time for a good cliffhanger!) and I'll make sure to post again regularly. And remember, I'm open for suggestions, requests, and ideas in your comments and I'll make sure to get some things sorted out :) Bye!


	20. Taking a Stance

**Author's Note:** Hi guys! I can't tell you how excited I was to post this :) I am literally OVERJOYED by everyone's support and I'm really happy that you guys are liking it! I'm having a lot of fun writing this too! (Yeah, it can be difficult to write at times, but it's very rewarding too, right?). There's so much more of this story to post and I'm getting more and more excited as I complete each chapter. Thanks again, and with that, here's the next one :) Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary: **For the first time after her amnesia, Raven has left the Tower with the Titans. To make this a memorable experience, they decided to turn this into a group-outing. They spend the day walking around Jump City, visiting places like a tourist trap, a pizza restaurant, and even a bookstore, where Raven buys a pretty bookmark for herself. Their final destination was the park and there, the Titans settle down for lawn games and they lounge beneath the shade of trees until sunset. Raven feels horrible about doubting the Titans and she wants to hang out with them again like last time. Robin, Cyborg, Beast Boy, and Starfire all agree with Raven before they conclude the end of the day. However, as they are leaving, the Titans don't realize a problem until it is standing in the road and challenging them to fight.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 20: _Taking a Stance_

Cyborg wasted no time in taking action. He jerked the throttle into reverse and slammed on the gas pedal. The tires screamed as Cyborg cranked the steering wheel into a hard turn. I ducked my head and clung to my seatbelt like a lifeline, preparing for the deadly, backwards spin. The mechanical man then put the T-car into drive and started off into the other direction, away from who‒or _what_‒stood in the road.

"To tell ya the truth," Cyborg said in mock sarcasm. "I knew it was too good to be true."

"How can this be?" Starfire asked innocently. "This simply cannot be the coincidence…"

"He must've known where we've been the whole time," Beast Boy clarified angrily. He then nervously checked over his shoulder: "Do you think he saw where we're going?"

"The Titans East should've been here," Robin said, confirming their inquiries. "I'm trying to contact them now."

"Anything?!" Cyborg asked frantically, glancing at the Boy Wonder before focusing back on the road.

"Nothing," he muttered, jamming his T-communicator back in his pocket. "I'm just getting static."

Cyborg punched the steering wheel and silently cursed himself; "Well then how are we supposed to take this guy down?" he demanded. "We can't exactly just let him have free-reign all over the place, right? We hafta fight him before he does anything!"

"In case you dudes haven't noticed, we're being _chased!_" Beast Boy emphasized in his squeaky voice.

"We can't fight. Not like this," answered Robin sternly.

"We are fleeing?" Starfire asked worriedly.

"We hafta get Raven to safety first. By whatever means necessary. We'll come back and finish him off once Raven's inside the Tower."

"That is if we ever lose this guy," Cyborg muttered as he glared into his side mirror. "I think he's still onto us."

"Don't worry about it now, Cy," Robin ordered him. "Just get us outta here as fast as you can. We'll keep an eye out for him."

"On it, man."

The streets were mostly empty and very few people dared to walk among the haunted environment. I assumed news could spread like wildfire here, especially in a city like this. With the roads nearly absent of other cars, it was easier to navigate ourselves, but that also meant we were more vulnerable to be spotted by our pursuer. We must have been going close to sixty miles-per-hour on a thirty mile-per-hour route and there were a few instances where I was sure we would crash. Cyborg constantly had to switch lanes, run through red lights, and swerve around other vehicles in order to avoid being seen. Each turn he took was sharp but always precisely accurate. I did trust the mechanical man to get us to safety, but I didn't trust his‒or any of the other Titans'‒motive for keeping us safe.

Now, the car had grown very quiet, except for the repetitive gurgle of the engine. After looking in his rear-view mirror, Cyborg was compelled to talk to me.

"How ya holding up, Raven?"

My eyes leered out the window momentarily: "I've been better."

Next to me, the green changeling stole a nervous glance. I didn't dare to acknowledge it because, honestly, I was scared. I was completely petrified compared to everyone else; I didn't understand what was happening but I didn't have the courage to ask about it either. Although I was confused, the last thing I wanted was to bother them with questions. At a time like this, I would've sounded like an annoying child.

It was a burden enough being here; I didn't want to make it worse for them, especially since they have to prioritize me now‒not that that I was asking them to.

Beast Boy watched me for a while and I pretended not to notice. I glared at the floor of the automobile as my cheeks ignited with a humiliated blush. I was still gripping my seatbelt, aware that a car crash could occur at any time. He was only worried about me but I guess that's what made me frustrated; all anyone could think about was getting me to safety. Since Beast Boy never diverted his eyes, I spoke out to him.

"I'm okay," I blurted, shifting uncomfortably in my seat.

"Are you?" he countered back.

"I'm just shaken up, that's all."

"It's gonna be alright. We're getting outta here as we speak."

"Because…?" I said, hinting for him to provide an explanation but the pea-green boy avoided the topic.

"No, it's okay. We're leaving now so-"

"Really?"

"Yeah! I mean, we're-"

"Beast Boy…"

There was an immediate division between us. I already knew the answer to the question; whatever stood in the road was a threat to us and the Titans chose to evacuate. I just wanted Beast Boy or somebody else to say it. Meanwhile, Cyborg gripped the wheel tighter and Starfire turned her gaze out the window, not wanting to make it look like she had been listening. Beast Boy inhaled slowly before continuing.

"Look, I'm sorry this happened, okay?"

"You don't need to apologize," I answered sternly.

"Well, either way, I'm sorry, Raven. We _all_ are and I don't know how to explain it. I'm just so sorry…"

"I'm not mad, Beast Boy."

He was obviously surprised to hear me say that: "You're not?"

"No, I'm just...I don't know. I just want everything to be okay."

Those lustrous, sage eyes fell away from mine at last. I huffed an irritated sigh and looked away too. Cyborg kept driving at his pace and the other Titans seemed unsure on how to react to the absence of speech.

"We shall be leaving the city soon," Starfire announced, trying to eliminate the awkward silence.

"Yup. We're almost there," Cyborg agreed, rather breathlessly.

"Nothing's picked up on the radar," said Robin.

"How am I looking back there, Star?"

"There is no sign of him behind us either," Starfire added.

"I guess we're clear," concluded Robin.

"Then I'm going for it," said the mechanical man. "Everybody hang on. It might get a little bumpy."

We took one last turn around a building and came to a long street embedded with numerous intersections. At the very end, it curved evenly into a ramp and was directly fed to the four-lane highway. It took me a while to recognize the road. We drove right through this as we entered the city earlier in the day, though it wasn't as familiar without the other cars and pedestrians present. This was our way out and after this, we would be far enough from the city to be deemed safe from our pursuer.

Seeing this, Cyborg fueled the cybernetic automobile with gas and we launched forward. The street was wide open and nothing obstructed our path to the exit. Cyborg leaned into the steering wheel while the other Titans situated themselves in their seats. We must've been not even fifty yards away from the ramp when Robin happened to look into the rear-view mirror. He immediately sat up, alerted Cyborg, and sent everybody else in the car into a panicked frenzy. Glancing through the window on my side, I checked the side-mirror and watched another car land on top of us.

I didn't have time to question how a civilian vehicle could be used as a projectile against a moving target because everything happened too fast. The backend of the T-car received the most pressure when hit, causing the engine to sputter violently as toxic exhaust spewed from the pipes. The car jolted forward but it was enough to put some air beneath the tires. I felt my stomach contort as the automobile left the traction of the pavement. Everybody had a fraction of a second to brace for impact and I used my precious time to shut my eyes.

The T-car bounded against the ground but it never steadied. Cyborg was desperately counter-steering for control and everyone, including me, had released a provoked scream. As it drifted aimlessly across the pavement, the car rotated about a hundred-eighty degrees and slid backwards for several yards. Tire marks scarred the road until the T-car shuddered to a brutal stop against the curb and then everything was momentarily still.

* * *

I jerked awake as if I had been pricked by an electrical current. An adrenalin was now working its way through my body's natural systems. Everything was in a haze, as if I had been drugged by a dosage of morphine, but it wasn't enough to knock me out: I was aware of it all and I remembered everything prior to it too.

The oncoming attack from above; the forceful blow; the concussion that made the car lose control; and finally, the standstill derived from shock.

Around me, the Titans were slowly arousing back into reality too. We were all tightly fastened into our seats but the collision still had enough force to jostle us. When I tried to sit up, I almost bumped my head on the ceiling of the T-car. A huge, sunken dent had formed above my head and if it weren't for the sturdy interior of the cybernetic automobile, we would have likely been crushed to death. The thought gave me little to no comfort.

"Hey," Cyborg grunted, twisting around in his seat to look over his shoulder. "Is everybody alright back there?"

Beast Boy clutched his head with one hand and Starfire struggled to sit herself upright. Robin was displaced too but otherwise unharmed. Nobody showed any signs of injury although many of us had trouble comprehending the situation.

"What _was_ that?" Beast Boy inquired. "How does something like that happen out of nowhere?"

"I didn't even _see _him throw it," said Robin. "But it was too late; the thing was already airborne."

"Aw _man_," Cyborg muttered, inspecting the damage above our heads. "He's got aim, that's for sure."

"A car was literally _thrown _at us?" I asked incredulously.

"Pretty much," he sighed.

"Can you get it started, Cyborg?" wondered Robin.

"Let's see."

The mechanical man plugged the key back into the ignition and wrenched it repeatedly. Each time, the engine merely sputtered and went quiet. Smoke arose from the bruised hood but Cyborg didn't give the machinery a break.

"C'mon baby!" he encouraged the vehicle. "Gimme something! C'mon! We gotta go!"

Cyborg was relentless but Robin eventually subdued him to cease his efforts. He slumped back into his seat and hopelessly ran a hand over his perspired face.

"Can _anything _good happen to us?" Cyborg ranted, more to himself than the other Titans.

"We cannot stay here," Starfire reminded us. "Robin, we must leave."

"Then we'll hafta find another way," Robin concluded. "There's no chance on getting out on this."

"So we're just gonna leave her?" Cyborg asked, clearly astounded.

"Unless you can get it working..."

While the other Titans were arguing over what to do next, Beast Boy remained quiet. Starfire turned to him and questioned for his input but he didn't give a reply. Instead, he tapped Cyborg's shoulder once and directed us to look through the cracked windshield, his gaze never faltering.

"_Dudes. _Up ahead."

My surprise must have been genuine. I got my first good look at our pursuer but I didn't know how else to describe it. At first, I almost didn't believe what I saw. It appeared to be a walking statue. It was made of solid concrete and it's body was enlarged to gigantic proportions. The being had cold eyes and a jaw that could chomp a car in half. But how is it alive? How could something _dead_ be _alive? _More importantly, why was it after us in the first place?

"That's it. We're going," Cyborg announced unceremoniously as he unbuckled himself.

"You know what to do," Robin agreed. "Titans, head out!"

While the other Titans started emerging from the T-car, I felt excluded. When I tried to protest, Robin stopped to talk to me in a reprimanding voice.

"Stay in the car."

"What?"

"Stay in the car, Raven," he ordered me. "No matter what happens, you stay out of it."

"No," Beast Boy answered for me, hesitating to follow the other Titans. "She shouldn't stay; she should go right now."

"Right now, the car's the safest place for her," the masked boy argued.

"You were just telling us to abandon the car, weren't you?"

"Raven wouldn't know where to go. She could get lost and she's more vulnerable without us."

"_Staying _here is what makes her vulnerable."

"At least we're _with_ her," Robin clarified. "We got each other's backs and we're not changing that."

Beast Boy dropped his head in defeat. Robin then urged him to get out of the car and he complied without another word. I received a somber glimpse from those ivy eyes before the pea-green boy departed. Outside the car, the Titans were rallying their forces and I got momentarily distracted.

"Robin, maybe I should-?"

"You're just gonna stay here," Robin finished, now anxious to leave.

"But what if something happens?"

"Then just stay out of the way. We'll be right back."

"When?" I pressed on. "Robin?"

I called after him but the leader of the Titans had already vanished and slammed the door shut, ending the discussion. Although I was disappointed about being confined to the T-car, I was interested to know how the Titans would handle the problem. I maneuvered myself around the seats for a better view and got situated, wary not to attract undesired attention. Even while inside the cybernetic automobile, I could hear Robin's memorable cry: "TITANS, _GO_!"

All at once, everyone took action in their own unique yet synchronized way. Starfire launched into flight like a bolt of lightning, her illuminated eyes visible even from a great height. Using his sonic cannon, Cyborg took aim and fired several blasts to confuse their opponent into defending himself. Beast Boy had morphed himself into cheetah and was now charging forward alongside Robin. The masked boy attacked with combustible disks, forming an enormous cloud of smoke. I could only watch helplessly as each of the Titans entered the warping mass without so little hesitation.

As I waited for something to happen, I found myself conflicted on whether or not I should obey Robin's strict orders. It felt wrong to abandon the Titans at a time like this: I didn't want to run away, cower in the corner, and pray for a savior. I didn't need to be rescued because I had the inspiration to stand up and fight for myself and the others as well. The Titans didn't deserve that sort of treatment‒I didn't think anybody did‒but if someone meant to do harm like that then I would gladly do the same in return.

The only thing stopping me was the Titans' refusal for my involvement.

I had been searching around the T-car for activity and I was startled when I saw movement through the smoke. At first, it was difficult to see the figure but I realized right away it was neither of the Titans: none of them could compare to our opponent's size. He shook his head, dizzy from the obscure fumes, and when he spotted the T-car, he immediately perked up. He bore a supposed-grin, if such an entity could express emotion, and started walking towards the car with thundering footfalls. I fought my way to the back of the T-car, expecting one of the adolescents to intervene as they had promised they would if I was threatened.

But I didn't see the Titans anywhere.

The Rock Giant bent down, grasped the T-car on either side, and began to lift the front end of the car. I fell back against the seats, clinging to whatever my hands could hold. The car shuddered as the leading tires rose off the ground with little effort from the Rock Giant. He could have easily crushed me inside the vehicle and he also had the strength to throw the car if he had the intention. There was no telling what he could do but as of the moment, he was looking for a way to forcefully extract me from the car, whether or not I would cooperate.

As the car was titled nearly vertical into the air, something made the enemy upset. I couldn't tell who was responsible for the diversion but that didn't make me any less thankful. The Rock Giant dropped the T-car and the wreckage plummeted back to the earth, leaving me battered and frantic to get away. I remembered what Robin had instructed me to do, however, I had a rare opportunity whose value was beyond a price to waste. The giant was distracted and I couldn't contemplate the risks anymore without losing my chance entirely. If I waited for another time, I could be in a more dangerous situation. In one swift motion, I disregarded the T-car and darted into the nearest alley.

The Titans could now be seen as their smoke cover vanished from sight. They didn't notice my absence until their opponent realized I had disappeared from the car. It turned into a competitive game of hide-and-seek; the Rock Giant searched the area around the car while Robin and Beast Boy attacked him to slow down his progress. Meanwhile, Cyborg was near the T-car, no doubt looking for me as well. Starfire had been floating above them when the Rock Giant pulled a deadly move: he picked up the T-car, much to Cyborg's objections, and began to swing it about them like a makeshift weapon. Since everyone was busy except Starfire, I emerged from the alley and rushed towards her.

"Friend Raven-?"

"I got away, "I answered quickly. "He was going to kill me!"

"Raven, this has gone on for long enough," she told me. "You cannot be here at such a time."

"How can I help?" I asked but she immediately disclosed my offer.

"You will not intrude. You are in danger, Raven. You must leave."

"What?"

"It is not safe," she explained. "I will not allow you to stay."

"But what about you guys?" I insisted, highly concerned for them as well.

"We shall manage the problem but now you must go!"

It sounded so weird coming from Starfire. It wasn't like she was my guardian or anything, but at the same time, I wanted to respect her. After all, she and the other Titans only wanted to protect me. Perhaps it was the best idea to leave; I had no experience with any of this anyway. In fact, I was completely useless to them. Leaving the Titans may or may not make it easier for them, but it sure as Azar wouldn't make it easier for me.

I silently refused to leave and Starfire only became more distressed.

"Raven, please!" she begged, nearly shouting to be heard over the commotion. "Please go!"

While we had been talking, we were nearly oblivious to what had been occurring around us. The villain had thrown the car across the street, separating all of the male Titans. After that, he turned his attention towards us. The Rock Giant started to run at us and Starfire wasn't quick enough to react. There was no way the tangerine girl would've been able to defend both of us if she was given the chance. Thankfully, I had noticed this only slightly sooner than her.

I extended both of my hands and mustered whatever courage I had to shield ourselves in my dark energy. It was the largest dome I've ever created, which was a little overwhelming, and it wasn't exactly permanent either. The giant outside the barrier was pounding on it with his fists but nothing seemed to affect it. Starfire slowly relaxed and she turned to me, realizing what I had done.

"Don't thank me yet," I chuckled nervously. "What now?"

"I shall hold him off," she declared. "And you must go to Robin. He is the one to decide our next move."

"Got it. I'll get to him right away."

"Please stay safe."

"You too."

I dropped the obscure construct of my power and backed away a couple paces, letting the green-sclera alien take the lead. The moment our protection was dismissed, the Rock Giant lunged forward but he didn't get close. Starfire jumped into the air and flew right into his face, challenging him to a fight. She threw punches that were enough to send him stumbling back and she finished him off with a high kick that sent her into a full spin. As Starfire continued to assault our opponent, I hurried over towards Robin. He had seen everything and seemed more worried than upset.

"Raven! Are you okay?"

"I'm fine but what are going to do? What's the plan here?"

Robin kept sweeping the area with his sight. He didn't trust that we would be safe here, even as the green changeling and the mechanical man joined the tangerine girl in battle. The masked leader of the Titans had to shout in my face so I could hear him.

"Look, remember what you did a while back...that- that one time in the course?"

"What?"

"The platform, Raven!" he cried. "You made a platform, remember? You were trying to cross the pit!"

"Uh, yeah! Yeah, what about it?"

"You need to do it again."

"Now? But-!"

"We're getting out of here," Robin told me. "I'm going with Star and Beast Boy can fly but Cyborg needs a lift. We gotta round everyone up and go. We can't stay, you understand?"

I was too petrified to say anything else. I briskly nodded, my eyes constantly flicking over to the fight in the background. Robin started walking backwards as he spoke.

"I'll tell the others. Just stay back and get ready to fly. We don't have much time!"

The masked boy then jogged away and he ran even faster when he saw that Cyborg was caught in the Rock Giant's grip. Starfire attacked with merciless starbolts, further agitating their opponent. I didn't look away until Cyborg was freed and had joined the other two Titans in fighting the giant together.

_It's okay, _I told myself. _Just remember what Robin said: be ready to leave._

With a deep inhale, I held out a hand encased in dark energy and formed a circular platform by my feet. It hovered just a few inches above the ground and it survived my stability test too. I looked up expectantly, awaiting for my currently-busy passenger to arrive. However, it wasn't anything that I had expected at all.

It was all too brief to be summarized with details. The Titans must have been caught off-guard and I didn't think Robin had enough time to warn his friends of our escape plan either. I realized that I hadn't seen Beast Boy in a while but now he was the only one resisting the giant. The other unsupervised teenagers had been cast away and were trying to get back into the battle, though they were ignored by the Rock Giant. Being alone against such an opponent seemed intimidating: it was practically a fight to the death! I watched him on the sidelines and when Beast Boy spotted me, his eyes lit up like a deer in a pair of headlights.

Those ivy orbs said it all: "What is she still _doing_ here?! It's not safe. She's feet away from getting hurt!" and my eyes could only stare back in surprise as well. He tried to shout out to me but the enemy used this distraction as an advantage. Beast Boy was directly smacked, thrown backwards several yards, and he struck the side of a building. He then collapsed face-first onto the ground and remained inert.

My feet were running before my mind could process, leaving the forgotten platform to evaporate. I didn't care that my name was being summoned or that the Titans now had to deal with the Rock Giant with one less team member: all I cared about was getting to Beast Boy as fast as I could. I knelt beside the fallen Titan and shook his motionless body, urging him to respond. Beast Boy groaned and he pinched his eyes shut, trying to comprehend his disoriented thoughts. I celebrated the little victory with an exasperated sigh of relief. He didn't appear injured but he had the wind knocked out of him pretty bad. It was safe to assume he hadn't broken anything too.

I watched the green changeling rasp on the ground, knowing his breath would return naturally over time. As he recovered, I looked over my shoulder just in time to see the giant about thirty yards away from us. The Titans were relentlessly attacking him with starbolts and explosive disks but he showed no interest; in fact, the attacks barely impacted him at all. Instead of trying to protect himself, he was moving deliberately towards his new targets.

My first instinct was the defend Beast Boy so I rose to a stance and gripped spheres of my dark energy. The Titans were telling me otherwise and Cyborg kept waving his hand in the air as if shooing me in the other direction. I fired a high-magnitude beam at the Rock Giant's chest but when it hit him, there was no recoil. My power seemed to slip off his cement armor, affecting him to a minor degree. No matter how hard I concentrated, nothing was slowing him down.

I was forced to retreat away from the alley because I needed to put space between me and the monster; that meant I had to abandon Beast Boy. However, the Rock Giant didn't seem to notice him, even though he'd be an easy opponent. Instead of finishing off an injured bird, he wanted to chase down the one that could fly and I was _more_ than ready to spread my wings.

I dashed down the road and started to levitate. I rose off the ground at an angle, urging myself higher and higher as the sound of our enemy's footfalls approached from behind. I was sure I had reached a suitable altitude, which only scared me more when I felt something grab my leg. The Rock Giant had forcefully pulled me back to the ground and I skidded along the rough pavement, tumbling to a violent stop. My jeans were ripped and I could feel fresh blood oozing from the deep abrasions on my knees and on the palms of my hands. I was too delirious to focus and the impact had my head spinning.

When I looked up, the giant was still going after me but he was struggled against something. A grappling hook had coiled itself around his wrist and on the other end of it, Cyborg and Robin were using their combined strengths to pull him back. Furious, he fought harder and the male Titans were actually being dragged along with them. Starfire landed between the conflicting forces and she, too, started to yank the cord with her fellow teammates. Although he met his match, the Rock Giant's capabilities couldn't be outranked. With a mighty howl, he gave the rope some slack and then used this to whip it over his head. The grappling hook was severed and the Titans were flung overhead like mere rag dolls.

Despite everything, the only thing I could think of now was to flee. As I tried to scramble away, each oncoming step from the Rock Giant narrowly missed me by a inch. Dust and debris was blowing into my mouth and eyes, causing me to gag viciously. I tried to shield my face as the being continued to advance and I ended up tripping onto my stomach. I tried kicking away from him but he used his hand to pin me to the ground. Thrashing proved to be vain and it left me panting. The Rock Giant merely laughed at my demise. He raised his other arm behind his head, roared with fury, and brought his fist down on top of me.

My trapped body was paralyzed with fear, wincing from the expectation of being obliterated. I fantasized about hearing the pavement fracture from the massive impact, imagining my body twisted and gnarled into a gruesome position. There was no way anyone could survive something like that.

_Perhaps that's what happened_, I thought. _Maybe I'm dying right now and that's why nothing is making any sense. It's because I'm dying..._

In the distance, a distress voice cried out my name and I peeked an eye open. The more I looked around, the more confused I became. I was engulfed in the Rock Giant's shadow and his hand was still clamped on top of me, keeping me from moving. I could hardly wiggle beneath the grasp so why was he waiting for the final blow? Why wasn't he just doing it already? In fact, why wasn't he moving at all?

The cold-blooded look he enabled had become emotionless. All he did was drop his raised arm and remove his other hand so he could stand up properly, towering above me like a harmless threat. The giant just stood completely still, staring down at me with those hauntingly lifeless eyes. No other movement or sound derived from him; he just seemed to shut down completely. He wasn't fighting us anymore.

Suddenly, a green rhinoceros ran into him with its head at full speed. My opponent was hurled into the entrance of a nearby shop, shattering the glass and spraying me with rubble. It was so unexpected that I couldn't find the will to speak. Looking away from the damaged business, I saw Beast Boy revert to his humane form and fall to his knees.

* * *

It took ages to get everyone home. We moved like sleepwalkers and everyone communicated using only small words; I only nodded my head and said nothing more. After salvaging a few supplies from the wreck, I formed a platform and levitated alongside it with Cyborg resting on its surface. Starfire was flying with Robin and Beast Boy had morphed into a hawk but this mode of transportation didn't last long. Beast Boy grew tiresome as he flapped in the air, as did Starfire, who expressed her lack of confidence to fly with Robin. In the end, I readily agreed and carried everyone home on the platform without another word.

We used the main entrance of the Tower, the same place where I had my panic attack and Beast Boy had kissed me. It felt like it had happened years ago. This morning felt like that too: so much happened in one day than it has in a whole week and it only made me more tired. I didn't say anything until all of the Titans dragged themselves into the foyer and had locked the large door behind them. They all collapsed onto the furniture while I paced about the area like a bomb preparing to detonate.

"I knew it," I declared, my voice rising with authority. "I _knew_ it!"

"Raven-" Robin sighed and I kept going.

"I knew it all along‒this 'job' of yours and these 'missions' and all the times you guys left randomly‒was all because of _this_. You guys are out there _looking_ for fights."

"It is not like that!" Starfire insisted but I didn't let her continue.

"Is this why you were training me?" I demanded. "You actually _wanted _me to fight? You wanted me to do this?"

"Not exactly," Cyborg stalled. "It's just...trust us, Raven, we wouldn't-"

"Then explain to me why you had me do all those things; the obstacle course, the lessons; isn't it ironic that I'm being trained for something similar to what you do on a daily basis?"

Nobody was looking at me now. They all displayed their discomfort in many ways: Cyborg crossed his arms and pouted at the floor; Starfire was nervously rubbing her elbow with a forlorn expression; Robin was leaning up against the wall, his hands on his hips, and he sighed, unable to interrupted my diatribe; Beast Boy was awkwardly sitting in an armchair, not daring to say anything and he only looked at me when he thought I wouldn't notice. I searched their faces for an answer.

"Tell me," I continued, insisting for them to comply. "Tell me this isn't true and I'll take it all back. Just _tell _me I'm wrong."

When the adolescents withheld a proper response, I knew I could confirm my theories.

The constant back-and-forth opinion was frustrating me more than I could explain it, but that's not why I felt like that. There was a sense of thrill that I craved from the Titans, even from the idea of being a Titan. These factors of danger and risk contributed to the overall sense of excitement. It was almost _fun _to me, although I refused to admit it. I acted like I was angry and upset, however, I was nearly the opposite.

Now I _wanted_ to train; now I _wanted_ to get better; now I _wanted _to be involved with the team. If anything, I was upset they haven't told me about it sooner! The reality of their work was a huge surprise‒the injuries would've been substantial if it weren't for the Titans‒but after all, it wasn't something that I didn't want to do. I'd be willing to put my heart and soul into a commitment like this, only if the Titans would accept me.

And that's it: why won't they accept me when their purpose was to get me to accept?

"Wow," was all I could say. "I don't believe it."

"I thought you wanted to go on a mission with us," Robin told me, trying to make sense of my anger. "That's the whole reason why we went out in the first place. You asked us to, didn't you?"

"You didn't tell me this would be a mission," I emphasized quite sarcastically, gesturing wildly to my ruined clothes and disorderly appearance. "Maybe next time there should be a warning."

"We didn't think this would happen," Robin sighed. "We were ready, yeah, but there was no warning, no sign of trouble. Even if there was, the Titans East should have come. Doesn't help that our T-communicators were jammed…"

"Then what did you think it was like?" Cyborg asked me. "You've seen what happened to us. I'm sure ya could've pieced it together eventually."

"Sure! I mean, I figured you guys were like some sort of 'police' team. Trust me, that was the first thing that came to my mind. I knew it involved crime and putting your powers to good use, but I didn't think you did _this. _That...that _thing_ out there? It wasn't human, and whatever it was, it wasn't friendly either. It was a monster. Not just some everyday-criminal like a bank robber or whatever; it was a _monster._"

"Cinderblock," Robin confirmed quietly.

"Great. It has a name," I quipped. "What's next? Does it have a family and a job too?"

"He works for a villain, Raven. Cinderblock is the slave to a mastermind. We've been looking for him for ages and this is the first we've seen him since forever."

"You shouldn't be doing this in the first place."

"What?" said Beast Boy, unable to keep quiet anymore.

"Why are all of you still risking your lives like this?" I repeated, challenging Beast boy with my eyes. "How does this even happen, anyway? Just..._why?_"

"There are people like us out there, Raven," Robin confessed at last. "There are people out there who have these special powers and can do amazing things. You're one of them, Raven. Just like us. But there are also people who won't use them for good. They're villains who want nothing more than to make trouble so it's our job to stop it. We protect the city from those kind of people; we help with crimes when we can too, but we're here to stop the monsters and other villains from harming the world."

"So there are more Titans besides us?" I inquired. "Besides you guys and the Titans East?"

"Way more," Cyborg confirmed. "Mostly men and women too. We're just some of the youngest."

"And Cinderblock seems to be a regular villain, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess you can say that."

"Then what did you mean about being a 'slave' a while ago?"

"Cinderblock has worked with another in the past," Starfire told me. "As of now, they are in allegiance."

"Who?" I pressed on, hungry for answers.

Starfire withheld a response and Robin spoke for her: "It's not important to you. We're just-"

"I want to know, Robin."

"You don't need to worry about it."

"Obviously I do. He's the one that sent Cinderblock after us, right? He's the one that tried to kill me earlier. Remember that? So why shouldn't I be involved with this?"

"Because it can put you at a greater risk," Cyborg added. "After that, we don't want ya going out there. Period."

"What makes you think I'm safer here with you?" I retorted. "You're the teenaged-superheroes, apparently. Don't you think that attracts _enough _attention?"

"That's not the point," Cyborg started but I interrupted him.

"No! You guys don't get it! You guys are keeping secrets from me. You HAVE been keeping secrets from me and I can't stand it anymore! You're not telling me everything and maybe that's why nothing's getting better!"

Beast Boy whimpered my name, almost as a beg for me to stop. However, my lips only produced more venomous words.

"Isn't this why you're training me?" I shouted. "You trained me for this‒you're _preparing _me for this, for being a Titan‒but you're refusing to involve me. I was _asking _for this and you wouldn't give me a chance to do anything, and yet, you're still training me! All this crap about being friends and being a team and helping me? I've been telling you this from Day 1: _how am I supposed to believe you? _How _can _I believe you? I don't even know why I'm even trusting you guys right now!"

I had to stop myself, thinking all the built-up stress would burst my heart. The Titans were in utter shock and honestly, I was surprised too.

"I know it wasn't your fault," I said, my voice somewhat calmer. "Actually, I think it's mine more than it is yours."

"Don't say that," Cyborg rasped but I didn't accept his console.

"What I'm saying is that it just happened. I understand that and we can do something about it in the future but only if you guys tell me, only if you guys _let _me. If there's something I should know then say it! Keeping it a secret isn't helping anyone here!" I paused for a moment. "I'm begging you. Someone, _please_ tell me. You guys have no right to keep something like this from me."

Out of all the other Titans, only one was able to speak. The tangerine girl croaked a meek apology, not knowing what else to say.

"I am truly sorry, Friend Raven."

"Forget it," I snarled, slinging my messenger bag over my shoulder. "Until you guys have the guts to tell me everything, don't even talk to me."

And with that, I stormed out of the grand foyer, abandoning the Titans in an uncomfortable silence. A squeaky voice tried to protest but I didn't let it finish. I formed a portal and escaped to my bedroom without a backwards glance.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I love writing the action in stories :) Sometimes I do get too wordy, but I feel like that's the only way to explain it, right? I mean, think of the animated show and how many scenes there are. It _literally _takes a thousand words to describe what goes on in one scene, and that's truly amazing ^_^ (I guess that's why I put so much work and detail into paragraphs). Anyways, I'll post again on my usual date. Bye!


	21. My Own Worst Enemy

**Author's Note: **I really don't want to spend too much time talking because I know you guys want to read, but I have a new goal: I want to see 100 people following _Amnesia_ :) I know it's a bit of a stretch but I wanna get there and I think it'll be a cool thing to do together, don't you think so? A reasonable time could be before my 1st anniversary on April 29 so let's get started! :D Alright, that aside, I have to get back to celebrating my birthday! (that's why I posted earlier than usual...) So thanks again and happy reading!

**A Previous Summary: **The Titans are forced to defend themselves from a classic enemy. Their idea was to distract him so Raven could flee, but she ends up staying. Raven refused to leave the Titans at a time like this. They then decide to abort all together but the plan quickly goes wrong. After Beast Boy is knocked out, Raven realizes that she is the prime target and Cinderblock advances onto her. Just before he could have easily attacked Raven, Cinderblock stops fighting and he is taken down by a single blow. Back at Titans Tower, Raven is conflicted about her feelings towards the Titans. Using her powers for good was a thrilling experience, but it concerned her to know that the Titans were preparing her for this the whole time, even though they refused to get her involved. As a final move, Raven demands to know the truth. No one dares to share anything and Raven storms away to her bedroom, never wanting to speak to the Titans ever again.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 21: _My Own Worst Enemy_

The very moment I returned to my bedroom and closed the portal, an orchestra of complaints arose from my head.

_Raven!_ scolded my Emoticlones all at once.

Now, a massive war raged in Nevermore. Each Emoticlone was competing for dominance and they struggled against one another. I could only catch bits and pieces of their sentences as they fought to be the voice heard above them all.

_I can't believe you would..._

_...only made it worse…_

_...and we could've helped you and now…_

_...mistake and you know it! We-!_

_Hey! What-?_

_Back off!_

_No! I was here first!_

_I was just going to-!_

_Wait your turn!_

_I wanna say something too!_

The fight was getting more and more intense and instead of directing their speech towards me, they were now verbally arguing with each other. It certainly created a painful headache, much alike a migraine, but I was more annoyed than upset. I was in no mood to argue but apparently they were.

"Calm down," I remarked, kicking off my shoes. "Can't everyone just shut up? Wait until I get everything all set…"

I tossed my messenger bag aside and fumbled to prepare a spot on the floor for the ritual. It took me a while to reconstruct the circle and light each individual candle, meanwhile, my Emoticlones were still buzzing like an agitated hive of bees. I centered the mirror within the ignited ring and muttered my mantra to enchant it. The glass became foggy and the red jewel on the demonic relic started to illuminate. Distressed, yellow-tinted eyes were the first to appear.

"Well _there_ you are!" I exclaimed sarcastically. "Now where have _you _guys been? I didn't hear anything from anyone for‒what?‒half a day?"

"You needed us," said the pair of yellow eyes. "Intervening would have only made it more difficult for you to enable your powers, which were in dire need. Despite everything, we tried to remain focused for you but Raven? What you did back there was-"

"-STUPID!" Brave barked before the eyes blinked again.

"-_unacceptable_," Wisdom finished, obviously stressed that she had been interrupted. "It was highly inappropriate."

"No, it _was _stupid," Brave continued. "Raven, how could you do something like that?"

"And what exactly did I do to upset you?" I countered back.

"We're all mad in here. Everybody's pretty pissed and it's all 'cause you threw a dumb tantrum."

"_I'm _the one throwing a tantrum?" I repeated, almost chuckling. "Really? I'm the most calm out of all of you. I wouldn't be saying anything about that, Brave."

"Alright, that is enough," said Wisdom, putting herself between me and Brave. "In all seriousness, Raven, not _everyone_ is satisfied by your actions."

"I am!" announced Rude, but that didn't make me feel any better. "I don't see what the big deal is: so she decided to ignore those lying freaks...so what?"

"Raven needs the Titans," objected Affection. "We _all _need the Titans. We're making things worse by pushing them away. How is that supposed to help us?"

"I'm not speaking with them until they tell me what they've been hiding," I clarified.

"So you're going to _boycott_ them?" asked Affection. "Just like that?"

"Why are you so against this?"

"Why are you _doing _this?!"

"Raven doesn't know the first thing about getting what she wants," muttered Brave. "And that's all she wants: for someone to give in to her."

"I'm fighting for what I think is right," I argued back defensively. "I thought you'd want to fight. I thought, out of all the others, you would be the one there for me. You would be the one to stand up and fight!"

"Not when I'm on the wrong side," she retorted.

"Then what side are you on? _Theirs?_"

"I'm on _your_ side, Raven, but you're on the WRONG side!"

"Everyone, please!" Wisdom commanded but Brave wasn't willing to submit.

"You know what, Raven? Why do you hafta be so selfish? Have you ever considered _us_ at all? Do you ever think about how _we _feel?"

"Too much so," I answered plainly. "As far as I'm concerned, everything I've ever said and done was _because_ of you guys. I don't even know what I'd be like without any of you!"

"Man-up, will ya? You're stuck with us and you gotta deal with it. You can't hide from us."

"Don't tell me to man-up," I barked at the mirror. "How the hell is that supposed to make me feel any better?"

"Looks like the princess' feelings are hurt," Rude snickered.

"Stay out of this! I don't need any comments from you!"

"Woah there! Where did all this emotion come from? You should be like this more often…"

"I said STOP!"

It took every ounce of self-control to not obliterate the mirror into a thousand pieces. Furious, I broke the circle of sand and extinguished all the candles with the sweep of my dark energy. Instead of hurling the beauty tool across the room, I picked it up and roughly discarded it in my nightstand drawer, slamming it closed so it couldn't influence me anymore.

_Hate being told off, huh? _stalled Brave.

_Shut up, _I shot back.

_C'mon now: you can't block us out that easily, Raven. You gotta stand up and talk it out!_

_I'm not going to hear this anymore. I'm done._

I marched over to my bookshelf and withdrew a bubbled flask filled with a grey powder. My hands fumbled to uncork it and using a wooden spoon, I scooped a portion of the enchanted particles into the glass of water on my nightstand. As the mixture stirred, it started to glow very lightly and I replaced the jar back on the shelf I had found it on.

_Are you serious? _asked Brave in disbelief.

_I'm done now, _I mentally announced. _I'm going to bed so I don't have to listen to you guys._

_As if that's going to stop us..._

I then brought the cup to my lips and tipped my head back, guzzling the drink until none remained. Afterwards, I collapsed onto my bed and sighed into my pillows and thick comforters. All I had to do now was wait for the magical elixir to knock me out.

* * *

I bolted into an upright position, fully-awake now. No trace of the spell seemed to exist within me anymore, despite the heavy dosage I had ingested. The clock on my bedside read 6:43 AM and I became enraged. The spell had worked for several hours but I had been dreaming, which wasn't supposed to happen. It was the disturbance of a nightmare that woke me up and the spell wasn't responsible for it. My Emoticlones were the only ones to blame.

_What was that for?_

_What?_

_Why did you do that?_ I cried. _Are you guys really that mad at me?_

_Relax, _Brave groaned. _What's got into you?_

_I was just trying to sleep. That was completely unnecessary!_

_Hey! There's no need to point fingers, _she snapped.

_It was you, wasn't it?_

_What makes you think that?_

_Because it's ALWAYS you! You're the one who's getting in the way!_

_That doesn't mean it was me!_

I covered my ears with my hands and curled forward: "Oh Azar, I can't take this anymore!"

_Why? _Rude taunted, joining our vulgar discussion. _Because you know you were wrong?_

_That's not it, _I said quickly but Rude was gathering her strength.

_You can't lie to yourself, _she continued and I sensed her revealing a grin. _We know that you can't stop us. You're just too weak! You can't control us, therefore, you can't control yourself. Isn't that right?_

_No, that's not it!_

_Yes. It is._

_I said NO!_

_What are you going to do now, Raven? Huh?! How do you expect to handle the situation when YOU CAN'T EVEN HANDLE YOURSELF?!_

I flinched when I heard someone knock on my door. I looked up and watched it, almost in disbelief. Nobody should be around my bedroom so early into the morning anyway. Not to mention the bad-timing.

"Hey, Raven?"

Beast Boy's voice was as clear as day. I didn't say anything at first, hoping he would go away, but the Titan was persistent and knocked harder and more frequently, becoming worried.

"What is it?" I called through the door. "It's too early to be up."

"I could say the same to you," he answered.

"What, Beast Boy?" I groaned as I crawled out of the bed and approached the door. "I'm not in the mood for this."

"I- I know it's early and everything but I just wanted to come by and check up on ya. I thought I heard you say something too so…"

"I don't want to talk to you right now so just please go away."

Beast Boy seemed disheartened and I could sense his disappointment but he continued to offer his support: "Well, if you ever need somebody to talk to, I'll always be here. You can see me wherever."

"Okay," I said, wanting to end the conversation.

"Anytime, alright? Day or night doesn't matter. You know where we'll be."

"Okay, Beast Boy."

"Just up the stairs, okay? Right-side door of the Main Ops room. Go through there."

"Okay okay now please leave me alone!"

"Can you come by later today?" he insisted.

"What?"

"We need to talk about this soon. How about sometime after lunch?"

"I don't know!" I cried. "I just can't right now, Beast Boy! It wouldn't be good for me!"

"Well, I'll be waiting with everybody," the green changeling reminded me. "I'll be there for you."

"I know," I sighed, my voice falling to a whisper. "I know you'll be."

Beast Boy lingered outside my bedroom for another moment. He sighed, wishing he could say more, but he couldn't muster his courage. The pea-green boy turned and padded softly down the hallway, trying to hid his distress. I turned my back to the closed entrance and slid down to the floor into a heap. My knees curled into my chest and I pinched my eyes shut.

_Raven..._

_Why are you bringing this up again? _I thought hotly. _Can't I take a break? Why can't I get some rest from this?_

_Because Brave is right: you cannot get rid of us, Raven, _Wisdom said slowly. _We shall forever exist so we must learn to cooperate as a unified team._

_You call this cooperating? _I thought back.

_You must listen to me. If this is ever going to get better, we need to work together._

_Yeah? What makes you think _you're _the one in charge here?_

_I did not mean it like that. We-_

Wisdom could read my thoughts and she became worried, as did all of the other Emoticlones. Right now, the only thing on my mind was to be alone and I obviously couldn't do that with my Emoticlones present. Even though I was only considering it, they grew fearful, especially Wisdom.

_No. Raven, do not do this. __Raven! Please listen to me! __You cannot do that! You will be doing something horrible to yourself! Please stop and listen to me!_

"No! I've had _enough_ of listening to you!" I shouted, rising from my seat on the ground. I was physically straining to amplify my voice: "I can't stand it anymore!"

_You cannot isolate us like this, _begged Wisdom. _It is dangerous! You will not have any powers or magic: you will be utterly vulnerable to anything!_

"Then it would be worth the peace and quiet."

_No, Raven! That is not what would happen!_

"This is _my _mind!" I said aloud. "This is _my_ body and I'm not just going to sit here and let everyone fight over me. Nobody should be told what to do or how to think. How come _I'm _the one who has to deal with it?"

There came the consoling voice of Affection but I shooed her away.

"I don't want pity!" I cried helplessly. "I don't want people always swarmed around me. I don't want decisions being made for me; I want freedom! I want to be myself! I don't need to put up with the constant reminder that I'm broken, that I'm a failure, that I'm _different _from everybody else...and all because of my amnesia. All because of this _damned _amnesia."

I had to stop myself so I could breathe properly. My inhales were coarse and they barely helped me calm down.

"You guys and the Titans...everybody does this to me. Telling me what to do, restricting me, hiding the truth...does everybody really think that's what I want?" My Emoticlones remained silent. "People should let me decide for once. I don't need to be lied to and locked up like this; everybody should ask me what I want instead of only thinking of themselves."

_We are all on the same page here, Raven, _whispered Wisdom. _We know what you are feeling, trust us._

"No, you don't," I muttered. "Everybody thinks differently about everything: that's why I'm so torn up."

_You think you're the only one like that? _said Brave. _Raven, look at us: WE'RE the ones asking to be ourselves. WE'RE the ones wanting to be heard too. You're not the only one being bossed around._

"I know," I moaned, pinching my eyes shut to evade the humiliation. "I know that. I get it. Look, it's complicated to explain because you're all me and-"

_We know, _cooed Affection. _But we are together on this, remember? Everybody feels like this too. I'm pretty sure the Titans feel the same way as well._

"What makes you think that?"

_Think of it like this: what are they doing now? Right now as we speak?_

"Probably talking about me," I replied with a little shrug. "About what they're going to do with me, how they're going to deal with this..."

_Yes; they're making the big decisions here. They're stressing out over you. They're doing everything in their power for your sake, Raven. You must realize this._

"Why do you think I feel so horrible?" I wailed. "I'm just a burden to them. They're bossing me around because they have to; I'm just dead-weight here. They're stressing me out and I'm stressful to them."

_But it does not have to be this way,_ informed Wisdom. _This problem is something we can resolve, but you must speak to the Titans about this. You must tell them._

"I already did," I replied. "I tried that, remember? I was literally screaming at them about this but they wouldn't budge."

_You have Beast Boy, _said Wisdom. _Right?_

"Yeah, I guess."

_Raven, he knows, _said Affection. _If you tell him, he'll understand He'll want to help you._

"You really think Beast Boy would do that?"

_Yes! He even came by to tell you so himself! Just tell him everything, Raven. You need to talk to him if you ever want to resolve this._

"Alright," I agreed reluctantly. "I'll do it."

_Good, _she said. _Now, you should probably clean up and go change yourself. Those clothes don't seem very fitting…_

* * *

I was so distracted last night that I hadn't bothered to change out of my ripped jeans and filthy shirt. I had slept in them too, which wasn't very comfortable, but at the time, I couldn't have cared any less. I took my time to shower and clean myself in the bathroom. New clothes were pulled from my dresser and the old ones were discarded into a pile. By then, it was nearly 8:00 and I decided to head to the Main Ops room. I had nothing better to do anyway so I might as well go see him now.

As instructed, I arrived at the side-door of the multi-purpose room, peeking in to look for the green changeling. All of the other Titans were present and currently busy, including Beast Boy. He was competing against Cyborg in a challenging video game. Nobody noticed me lurking by the door until Beast Boy happened to glance over his shoulder.

Beast Boy faced away and gave me a side-ways glance, trying to be discreet. I started to enter the room but Beast Boy urged me back with disapproving eyes and the violent shake of his head. In fact, he seemed panicked that I had come earlier than planned. My quizzical look wasn't answered because the pea-green boy started talking to the other Titans. It was obvious that he wanted me to hide and listen but I couldn't figure out why he summoned me here indirectly in the first place. All I could do now was crouch in the shadows and give their conversation my full-attention.

"Hey, so uh, I was thinking about what you said last night, Cy…"

"We already discussed it, remember, BB?" Cyborg reminded it. "Don't bring it up again."

"But it's important!" Beast Boy squeaked. "I never had the chance to say anything!"

"You agreed to it, didn't ya? No more arguing about it now."

Their conversation paused as their focus returned to the video game. Cyborg's player had Beast Boy pinned against the wall and started to punch him repeatedly. Beast Boy's health was deteriorating fast but he couldn't get his player out of Cyborg's grasp. When he died, the green changeling faced his competitor again.

"I'm serious, Cy. Listen to me!"

"I am, BB, and I'm telling ya there's nothing I can do," he replied. "There's no use in fighting about it now."

"But you're not even listening to me!"

"C'mon, Team. Keep it down," the masked leader reprimanded them from the kitchen.

"I'm trying to make a point here, Robin!" said Beast Boy. "I can't do that if nobody listens!"

"What are you trying to say?" drawled Robin, examining the projected screen with disinterest.

"Well, it's about yesterday and I wanted to bring it up again because-"

Beast Boy dropped his controller and fell back against the couch with a groan. Since he kept losing, he didn't want to play the game anymore. Cyborg had to stop playing too.

"...because I'm not happy about yesterday."

"And you think we are?" asked Cyborg.

"No but there's more to it."

"Why must we argue about this now?" asked Starfire as she was observing the conversation. She was seated on the opposite side of the couch: "I thought the matters had been clarified quite specifically."

"Well I had time to think and now I'm disagreeing with you guys," the pea-green boy stated firmly.

"Ya can't do that," replied the mechanical man. "Star's right; it's already settled. No changing anything unless we all agree to it."

"Then can I debate or something?"

"About what, Beast Boy?" sighed Robin. "Haven't we talked enough about this already? I can't help what's happened. Raven just needs some time alone and bothering her would only make it worse. I told you not to go after her-"

"I know, I know," Beast Boy groaned, although I was the only other person who knew that he had disobeyed.

"Yeah, man. Besides, I'm sure she'll warm back up eventually. Just give her some time."

"But we don't exactly _have _time," Beast Boy emphasized quite dramatically.

"Raven's amnesia cannot be cured so quickly," Starfire commented sadly.

"What I'm saying is maybe what we're doing isn't helping her at all."

"And what do you think _will_ help her?" Cyborg questioned the green changeling.

"We tell her." At this, the Titans were all showing physical signs of disagreement so Beast Boy continued faster: "We'll tell Raven everything. That's all we gotta do! Start with what happened a couple months back on the mission and-!"

"No," Robin declared firmly. "No, that won't work, Beast Boy."

"You don't know that!" he screeched. "C'mon! Like I keep telling you: Raven _has _to know this and she _will _find out eventually. Why not tell her now?"

"You know why. We've been over this _dozens_ of times and I'm not in the mood to go over it again…"

"Well somebody needs to agree with me! Someone has to have the right mind! Anyone? Star? Please, Cy? Robin, I-"

"Look," reasoned the masked leader in a darker yet persuasive tone. "Beast Boy, I know you mean well but this is out of the question. That's something I don't ever think we're going to do."

"We should at least try it!"

"We did, remember? Raven had a good look at her old stuff and that didn't even help."

"Then we have to keep pushing," the pea-green boy concluded. "We'll hafta try harder!"

"What do you think she's going to do with this kind of information?" Robin said, challenging Beast Boy's claim. "Beast Boy, she's confused. Telling her more could be helpful‒trust me, I've thought about that too‒but there's a bigger chance of it turning for the worst. What if she decides to run away from us again? Remember the last time?" His hand gestured to the large window and I had to swallow the lump in my itchy throat. "What if we can't catch her again and she's _really _lost forever?"

"Then I'll stay with her 24/7. I won't leave her side for a second."

"And I believe you, but what makes you think Raven will be okay with that?"

"I'm just trying to do what's best for her!" cried Beast Boy.

"And what do ya think _we're _doing?" Cyborg intervened. "We're trying to help too!"

"Besides," Starfire added quietly. "Raven would be so upset…"

"Don't say that," muttered Beast Boy in a warning voice.

"She _is_ going to be mad at us if we tell her," Robin informed him. "You can't expect her to immediately understand."

"Well lying isn't any better."

"We aren't lying to her," Cyborg argued in defense. "But I won't lie about us not telling her anything."

"Don't you think it's wrong?!"

"We all do," replied the tangerine girl and the other Titans nodded mournfully. "And if Raven shall truly recover, we must provide her with the utmost comfort and patience. Time shall mend if it is in plenty."

"We want her back as much as you do," Robin told Beast Boy, who responded with the annoyed roll of his eyes. "Yeah yeah. We may not show it like you do but that doesn't mean we don't care."

"Since when is this about how I feel about Raven?" burst Beast Boy, obviously offended.

"Hey! You started this! Don't act like it wasn't getting personal."

"I'm not doing this for me: it's for Raven!"

"We know, BB," said Cyborg. "We get it."

"Say what you want: nobody‒and I mean _nobody_‒will ever understand Raven like I do."

In the shadows, I was straining so hard not to cry out on them. Beast Boy had staged everything for me to witness but I watched realization flicker through his emerald eyes, as if he had remembered something. I knew that he had forgotten about me up until now. I guess the discussion was so heated that he disregarded the whole reason why he was there: I was still trying to figure that out too.

Beast Boy then spoke in a quieter tone: "Someone should go check on Raven."

"It's okay. I got it," the masked boy assured him. "I've been meaning to talk with her again anyway."

"Fine," he growled. "Whatever. I'm going back to my room."

"Ya sure ya don't wanna play another round?" asked Cyborg as they stood up.

"No. I'm not in the mood the play anymore."

Beast Boy left the couch‒and the bewildered teenagers‒and went up the flight of stairs, heading towards me. His head hung low to glare at the floor as he stomped away and he walked right past right me without a word. I stood and silently hurried after him but Beast Boy never acknowledged my presence until we were a safe distance away from the other Titans. I had to put a hand on his shoulder to coax him to stop.

"Beast Boy, why did you-?"

"I couldn't tell you," he said quickly. "So someone else had to say it."

"Why can't you just tell me now?" I inquired.

He looked like he wanted to say something but he hesitated. Beast Boy only shook his head.

"I- I dunno I just...Raven, I don't know how to put it…"

"You're making it worse for me. You're not telling me anything!"

"I gotcha proof, didn't I?" he asked me hopefully. "Now you know I'm telling the truth: about you and what happened before your amnesia so you hafta believe me, right? Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Yes. Thank you for that, but I still don't know everything."

"I tried to get them to say it."

"And they didn't so now you can say it. You can tell me, Beast Boy! Don't do this!"

"Just go," the green changeling interrupted me, giving me a light shove in the other direction. "Robin's gonna be there soon so go! Before he gets there!"

"We're _not _done here," I stated firmly. "I'm still mad, Beast Boy."

"I know," he answered tiredly, watching me with weary eyes. "I know."

* * *

I teleported back to my bedroom, trying not to appear too guilty. The stress and frustration from everything was starting to take a toll on me. I didn't know if I was being helped or not. I didn't know if what I was doing would turn out to be good or bad for me. Beast Boy is trying and I know the Titans are trying too, but they both conflict with each other: two different methods to solve the problem and only one can be used. To make it worse, I don't have any input in the final decision. The Titans are deciding it for me and they're apparently oblivious to my disagreement.

As expected, not two minutes after teleporting, Robin knocked lightly on my door and asked for me to answer. I didn't want to talk to him because all I could think about was what he and the other teenagers were saying about me in the Main Ops room. However, continuing to isolate myself in my bedroom would make him suspicious, perhaps even more worried about me. I opened the door so it was slightly ajar: all I wanted was for this conversation to end quickly‒and painlessly too.

"Hey. Sorry that I'm bothering you…"

"It's nothing," I lied with the shake of my head.

"Look, I know you're still upset about yesterday, Raven. I've been talking to the Titans about it all last night…"

_That's not the only thing you were talking about, _I thought hotly.

"We feel really bad about it so we were thinking of ways to help."

"No, it's okay," I assured him. "You really don't have to…"

"Well, anyway, we need to make it up to you," he told me. "After all, we messed up on our part…"

"Please, Robin," I insisted and he sighed.

"We can't start over‒that's not an option‒but we can do something new. As far as I'm concerned, once you master this, we won't have anything else to teach. Star even admitted that you've exceeded well-beyond than what we imagined."

"What do you mean?"

"You need to keep training, Raven," he explained. "But after this, you'll be right where you were some months ago, minus the experience in missions. You're getting closer and closer to it each day!"

"Really?" I asked him, clearly astounded.

"Yeah! Of course, you'll need to exercise regularly," he said quickly. "Star's done with you but you'll wanna stay in shape so you can keep up with us."

"Alright then. I guess I can do that."

"Great. So when do you wanna start? We're fine if you wanna take a day off or whatever. Just ask!"

I couldn't have been more confused. I didn't know whether I should be mad at the Titans or happy. It was questionable whether I should either go along with what they were saying or bring up whatever I heard in the Main Ops room too. The Titans' secrets were bigger than I had imagined, and Beast Boy helped reveal that to me, but there was still so much more to discover. And now Robin's here to not only apologize but to offer me one more series of lessons. After weeks and weeks of the daily routine, my training will dissolve into simple workouts and exercises. This was a big deal for me!

I stuttered to say anything. What was there to say? My options contrasted dramatically: I can play along with Robin and pretend I didn't know anything about their private discussion, or I turn everything around‒make it worse for myself‒and demand that Robin and the other Titans confess to what they've been hiding. It would ruin everything; Robin looked so happy for me and I was excited about this too! But I reminded myself that these unsupervised teenagers might not deserve my trust. After all, they don't trust me with their secrets.

"Can we start tomorrow? You know, if that's okay…"

"Uh, yeah! Yeah, sure!" agreed Robin, who seemed a little surprised by my inquiry but was no doubt pleased. "Normal time, I guess?"

"Uh-huh. Well, I haven't eaten anything all day so I am kind of hungry…"

"Alright. I can make something, if you want. How about some leftover pizza?"

"Sure. That sounds good."

"Great! See ya upstairs in a bit."

"Okay," I mumbled as I turned away from my door and allowed it to shut.

Half of my Emoticlones supported my final decision while the other half of them seemed disapproving. Brave was one of the frustrated ones, along with an irritated Rude. She seemed more surprised than upset but after everything, I had no energy to argue. I had wasted it all on the effort to learn the truth, and I gained nothing in return. I was just too tired.

_What was that? _Brave demanded. _Why didn't you say anything?_

"Honestly?" I whispered. "I don't even know."

_I guess they're not the only ones keeping secrets, _echoed a sly, unidentifiable voice.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Alright, this chapter is a little smaller than usual. It's not that I'm lazy (I swear) but it has a lot of dialogue in it. I didn't want to put more blabbing in it because‒honestly‒it took me the longest time to complete this and it would probably bore everybody to death. Either way, the upcoming chapter should be better :) Cya in 2 weeks!


	22. Counseling at a Price

**Author's Note: **So March is a big month for me: I'll be doing an official ACT test, I'm starting my Varsity water polo season, I'm applying for college and housing, I got IMEA auditions for band next year, and I'm training for my summer job. It's a lot to take in all at once and I'm a little worried about regular posting, but I'll be sure to do as much as I can :) For now, everything will follow as normal but please be kind if I need a little extra time. I'd appreciate it :) Also, we are REALLY close to 100 followers already guys! Let's keep it up and get back to reading! :)

**A Previous Summary:** After the big argument with the Titans, Raven feels at war with her Emoticlones. It became increasingly difficult for her to suppress them, even with the help of enchanted elixirs. Early the next morning, Beast Boy comes by and asks her to meet up with him. She agrees but she doesn't understand his motive until Beast Boy purposely starts an argument with the other Titans. Although it brings Raven a new sense of understanding, it also creates more tension between Beast Boy and the Titans. Raven demanded more from Beast Boy but she didn't have much time because Robin was heading over to meet her. However, instead of arguing, Robin only came to apologize and find a way to make it up with Raven. Raven, although somewhat angry, accepts Robin's proposal and hides her thoughts on the conversation she had overheard. Both her and her Emoticlones know she could have made a smarter decision.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 22: _Counseling at a Price_

For the rest of that day, I had to bite back to prevent any accusations from slipping from my mouth. I wasn't inspired to socialize much anyway, aside from a few comments or replying when addressed, but it was very stressful. It's not like I wasn't lying though; now, we were both hiding something. A part of me did want to confront the Titans about this and I planned to do so in the future. I just couldn't mention it now without indulging in another grudge and the last thing I wanted to do was start the argument all over again. However, if I bite my tongue any harder, I would've drawn blood.

After a sleepless night, Robin woke me up early in the morning for training as he had promised. I did my usual routine: making my bed, changing into athletic clothes, and heading upstairs for some breakfast. The toast seemed insipid today and my mug of herbal tea didn't taste any better. I acknowledged the other Titans and then followed Robin to begin the new lesson.

I was expecting Robin to lead me to the Gym so I was really bewildered when he guided me right back to my bedroom. Knowing that I was confused, he faced me with a little smile and politely asked me to open the door.

"Why did you take me here?" I asked him as I punched in my numerical code.

"I have my reasons," he replied.

"Then why don't we practice in the Gym?"

"The Gym wouldn't be good enough."

"What do you mean?"

I followed the masked leader into my darkened room, shutting the door behind me. Robin immediately started to pull up a cushioned chair into the center of the room and he took a seat. When I gave him a quizzical glance, he gestured for me to sit on the floor and I obeyed, highly suspicious.

"This next lesson isn't going to be about fighting," he started slowly.

"It's not?"

"I'm teaching you something a little different than what you're used to. It's more of the mental side of your powers instead of the physical."

"Is this supposed to help me fight?" I wondered.

"Well, it can be both offensive and defensive, but in this case, our goal here is not to hurt me."

"Hurt _you?_" I repeated.

"Once you practice this enough, there'll be so much more you can do with your powers. But first, we need you to get this right."

"And what's that?"

"You know your powers come from your soul-self, right?" he asked me. "It's basically the extension of your soul that you can manipulate."

"Yeah. Of course."

"We're going to take this to the next level," Robin continued. "So you can project your soul but there's so much more you can do with that…"

"You're teaching me how to remove myself from my body," I said slowly.

"More like _becoming_ your soul," he clarified. "If you're focused, you can take on this corporeal form and use it to your advantage. Being disembodied allows you to do so much more than you think."

"Have I really done that before?"

"Yeah. Many times, actually. You've used it once on me too."

"Really? How?"

"Well that's why I'm going to teach you!"

Robin repositioned himself in the chair and leaned forward, eager to share his knowledge. The idea of accomplishing this made my face split into a grin. I'm able to access my soul-self and use it as barriers and armour but I have never done anything like this before. I was already imagining all the possibilities: my powers were strong as of now and if I could truly remove my soul from my body, it would open a wide range of opportunities. There was no telling what I could do with that sort of ability.

"So it's not going to be easy: it's gonna take some time at first, but eventually, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it."

"Where should I start?"

"You'll need to be focused so you should try meditating first. That way, you'll be ready to use your powers."

"Wait, so is that why you brought me here?"

"It's help you concentrate," he said. "I figured you'd work better in a more comfortable and familiar environment. Plus, it's a little more private than the Gym."

"Alright. I won't argue with that," I remarked as I positioned myself on the floor and began to levitate.

"You gotta put yourself in that mindset: pretend you're about to race in the course. What do you think about? How do you prepare for it? Just focus of that and lemme know when you're ready to move on."

My eyes were shut and my legs were properly folded into one another. I allowed my breaths to fully circulate through my system before I deeply exhaled. I tracked the tempo of my heart and made sure my emotions were equally balanced before speaking to Robin again.

"Okay. So what should I do next?"

At this, Robin reeled a bit. He sat back into the chair and sighed heavily: "Honestly, that's all I can say about this."

"What?"

"I don't how else to explain it," he confessed. "I haven't done this before; only had it happen to me once."

"That doesn't make any sense!" I cried, my eyes now open to glare at the masked boy.

"I told you the goal of this: it's up to you on how to get there."

"How is that supposed to help me? I don't know what to do either!"

"Just relax, Raven! It's just simple trial-and-error. This isn't something you can learn immediately; it's gonna take practice and you'll learn as you go."

"That still doesn't help me. Robin, I don't even know where to begin!"

"Okay okay! Calm down. You're losing focus…"

_I'll say, _commented Rude.

"Look, hear me out," Robin assured me. "I'm here to help you with this. All ya gotta do is focus and when the time comes, you'll know it! You'll learn through your mistakes but you hafta be patient with it."

"And what am I supposed to do after that?" I inquired stiffly. "That is, if I ever get that far…"

Robin seemed more hesitant to explain but he was undoubtedly honest: "Once your soul had left your body, you're then going to go inside me."

"You mean you want me to _possess _you?!"

"That's a fancy word for it," he said with a nervous chuckle.

"There's no way I'm doing that," I protested. "Not to you! That's horrible! It would be so wrong for me to do something like that!"

"It's okay! I'm giving you my permission so don't worry about it."

"But do you _actually _want that to happen? You seriously want me to do this to you?"

"Raven, _I'm _doing this for you. You need to learn, right?"

"No, not like this," I stammered. "It just sounds so...dark. Think about it: I'll be in your mind. I could hurt you while I'm in there. There's no telling what else I could do to you."

The skill itself was utterly dominating and deadly‒I knew about it already because I've read a book called _Astral Projection and Telekinetic Influence_ many times before. It surely would give me the advantage I would need in a fight but now I was unsure of whether or not I would wish to adapt to a cerebral art as such. The idea gave me shivers: to be able to manipulate one's body, to speak through their voice, to hear their thoughts and have access to their memories. Two individual entities fighting for the same dwelling. It would be torture to the victim if done incorrectly‒as I had read earlier‒and I couldn't stand the thought of harming any of the Titans for the sake of learning.

"I don't think I could ever do that to someone…"

"I won't lie," said Robin. "It is dangerous. Heck, it took me a lot of courage to bring this up…"

"So then why did you?" I asked.

"Because I felt guilty, Raven. I mean, we're trying to help with the amnesia as best as we can. To do that, you'll need to know everything; we're not going to let you live on and forget what happened in your past life…"

At this, our conversation came to a sickening halt. I knew we were both thinking the same thing: the secrets. I didn't think Robin knew that I was aware of them though. Was he suddenly feeling guilty about that?

_Shouldn't you be feeling guilty too? _Rude challenged me.

_Not as much as he should be, _I swiftly replied.

"What I don't understand is why I'm doing this to you," I whined, trying to move on from the silence. "Why can't I practice on something else? _Anything _else?"

"Like what?" he asked me jokingly. "Wanna try possessing the TV? Or the coffee-maker?"

"I'm serious, Robin."

"And so am I. Listen; we have a connection, Raven. You've done this to me before so you need to know how to do it when the time comes. Plus, since we're connected, it'll be easier to do it through me. That way, once it gets easier for you, you can do it anybody."

"I'm still kind of against this," I told him.

"I'm not trying to push you into doing something you're not ready for," he reminded me. "If you're still iffy, then we can take our time. There's no rush so it doesn't need to be today, but I am expecting you to do it at some point."

"I'll try it," I said, assuming into my meditating pose again.

"I'm just making sure here. Confidence is the key so…"

"It's fine. I wanna get this over with anyway."

"You were inside my head once and I know you can do it again," Robin encouraged me, reclining back into the chair. "You'll be in and out in no time."

_I know it's possible for me to separate my soul from my body, _I thought. _But who says I want to use it to possess people?_

* * *

Hours were spent dwelling in my bedroom. The air started to become stale and, oddly enough, I started to feel claustrophobic in one of my most calming environments: perhaps because I was sharing the personal space with another individual. Between us, nothing existed except silence. I meditated for long periods of time but there was little to no progress. Robin was starting to act restless too. No matter how he sat in the chair, he couldn't seem to get comfortable. I could easily relate.

Since we were both so obviously distressed, nothing else could get accomplished within those hours. My technique was faltering and by then, I could barely make a stable contact with my Emoticlones, which only seemed to stress me even more. I was ready to admit defeat but I feared for saying so. Robin was determined to get this right and he was ready to give a motivational speech to me if I became too discouraged. However, his exhaustion was evident. I could tell that the Boy Wonder had been debating on what to say to me for an eternity.

"We should take a break," he disclosed at last. "This is getting us nowhere."

I silently agreed and levitated myself until I could stand. Robin removed himself from the chair and stretched. When he faced me, I kept my head low, hoping I could avoid a conversation.

"It's okay, Raven," Robin told me. "I did say that it wasn't easy but next time should be better. We can try again tomorrow, alright?"

I merely nodded and though Robin seemed hurt, he didn't mention it. Instead, we left my bedroom together and traveled to the Main Ops room, craving a snack since we both missed our afternoon meal. When we arrived, we weren't expecting the chamber to be sparsely occupied. The only Titan awaiting there to greet us had been the green changeling.

"Where's Star and Cyborg?" asked Robin, growing suspicious.

"They're out," Beast Boy simply replied.

"There was a mission already?"

"It showed up on the radar like twenty minutes ago. Star thought they could handle it by themselves."

"Did you see who it was?" Robin pressed on.

"I think it was a bank robbery," said Beast Boy. "The police were called but they left to check it out anyway. Just to be sure, I guess."

"Alright. I'm going after them."

"You are?" I asked, taken aback by his statement.

"You shouldn't need to," added Beast Boy. "They wanted me to stay behind. I'm sure whatever it was, it's already taken care of."

"I know, but if they're already out then we might as well get something else done. Best not having to take two separate trips, right?"

"What's this for?" I questioned him.

"Nothing big," the masked leader assured me. "It's just some errands. Not anything to worry about."

"I can help," offered Beast Boy. "Need me to tag along?"

"Actually...can you stay here for me, Beast Boy? I can handle this with the others but I need you and Raven to keep each other company."

The green changeling and I shared puzzled glances but we didn't object. I knew Robin wanted somebody here to watch me. After what happened two days ago, they practically feared the idea of me being alone or outside the Tower. They probably thought I was vulnerable and defenseless against the villains but Robin also considered my criminal past of escaping. Although he was hesitant to leave the responsibility in a pair of green hands, he knew he needed to be the one to go out.

_Right back to the good old days of babysitting, _Rude uttered.

_Don't remind me, _I complained.

_You were thinking it, though, _said Brave.

_Doesn't mean I want to…_

The masked boy was relieved to see our approval. He then withdrew his T-communicator and activated it. Robin was using GPS coordinates to track his friends' movements.

"Alright. They're still on the move so I better catch up. It shouldn't take too long anyway."

"Good luck," replied Beast Boy.

"Thanks."

And with that, Robin jogged up the stairs and took off towards the garage. The door behind him sealed shut, seemingly trapping Beast Boy and I within the Main Ops room. We were both expecting the same thing. He knew that I would most likely started arguing with him again and he was dreading it. I also sensed an aura of anxiety radiating from his pea-green skin. Beast Boy truly was nervous to be alone with me.

We didn't say anything at first though. Beast Boy shied away from me and headed to the kitchen, wanting to stall the awkward situation. I couldn't help but play along, wanting to ease the tension.

"I'm gonna heat up a pizza," he told me. "Want some?"

"Sure," I said, seating myself on a stool.

I decided to be a little more patient with this. Despite my instincts, I didn't want to upset Beast Boy because it would only make matters worse. I needed a better opportunity if I was to receive my desired answers.

Beast Boy selected a dairy-free, cheese pizza from the fridge and began to prepare it. The oven was set to a high temperature and Beast Boy made sure to the clock would go off in exactly 20 minutes. Once he had finished, I tried to start the conversation but he was already doing another activity.

"I'll get a game going for us while we wait."

"Can we talk, Beast Boy?" I asked with a bit of edge to my voice.

The green changeling was toying with the projector and I followed him across the room. He inserted a video game disk into the machine and two cars revved on the screen. I wordlessly received a controller and when I tried to protest, Beast Boy ignored me and merely plopped down onto the couch. He patted the cushion, beckoning me to sit, and I did so by shooting him an irritated glare.

"Beast Boy, I just want to talk," I had said, but nothing I said was registering.

Beast Boy had cranked up the volume, preparing to play. He then clicked the _start _button and the race began. The green car took off at great speed, leaving my purple automobile in a cloud of dust. By now, I wasn't in any mood to pretend anymore.

I kept urging Beast Boy to pay attention but he was trying so hard to ignore me. I could tell it upset him though: he knew I was greatly offended by this. However, he didn't mean to hurt me. All he wanted to do was avoid the subject at all costs. If he dared to speak, he'd be engaged in the conversation he so dreaded. After countless attempts, I was ready to throw my controller out the window.

"Aren't you listening to me?"

"Let's just play," he complained softly. "C'mon, please."

"No, Beast Boy. We need to talk about this. You can't keep pushing it away."

"We don't need to go over this."

"Yes we do!" I exclaimed, surprised that he even dared to say that. "Are you saying this isn't important? That you _don't _care?"

Beast Boy remained silent. He was like a kid being reprimanded by an upset parent; he just kept playing, pretending not to notice my anger. His face was stoic as he focused the project screen but my empathy proved him to feel otherwise. He was teetering on the cliff of frustration while I had fallen a long time ago.

"BEAST BOY."

The green Titan paused the game and threw his controller onto the floor in disgrace. He ran his hands through his hair, resisting the temptation to cuss out of anger. Beast Boy didn't have the courage to look at me in my eyes as he spoke. Honestly, I didn't think I could have either.

"We can't talk about this," he seethed firmly. "I tried, Raven. I did what I could do but I can't help you anymore."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I can't keep doing this. I- I can't…"

"Can't do what? Is it tell the truth?"

"_This, _Raven. I can't do _this!_"

He was gesturing wildly to the both of us and I couldn't figure out what he had been implying. I watched him uneasily as continued to elaborate.

"I mean, everything's that happened has been between us!" he cried. "It's all about how mad we are at each other and who's lying and who isn't! Can't anything go well for us?!"

"How can anything go well?" I countered back, rising to my feet. "Everyone's full of lies. All I get is crap from all of you."

"And you think you're any better?" challenged Beast Boy, meeting my height. "You think we're the only ones lying here? We all have secrets, Raven. I'm sure of it, but not all of them can be told."

"Some of those secrets can't be kept from me and you know it."

"That's not your decision to make."

"And you have no right _to_ them!"

"You don't even know what's being kept from you," said the green changeling, almost in fake accusation.

"I know enough," I stated firmly. "And if I'm telling you I'm ready for it then why can't you just tell me?"

"You don't understand…"

"No. I don't understand. I don't get it, Beast Boy. You want to help me, but you don't. You try to help me, and then you stop. You could have made things a _whole _lot easier if you would just TELL ME."

"It doesn't work like that," he protested. "This is something way beyond than what you can imagine, Raven. Whatever I tell you, you won't believe me anyway. You think whatever comes outta my mouth is a lie. I've been telling you the truth forever, Raven, and you still think I'm lying."

"There's a hard difference between keeping secrets and lying, and I've sensed both of those from you, Beast Boy."

"But that doesn't mean I'm the only one here who's guilty," he shot back.

"You know," I stalled. "Maybe if you guys had SAID something earlier, all of this would've been avoidable! The longer you keep this to yourself, the worse it'll be for all of us in the end."

"You're not even considering us, Raven. Have you ever thought about how we might feel?"

"You're not considering me!" I erupted. "How am I the selfish one when I don't have anything to hide?"

"Don't say that to me," he growled, causing me to reel. "We aren't selfish anymore than you are and you can't blame me for anything."

"Well is it _my _fault then?"

"No!"

"Did I do this to myself? Did I start this whole thing?"

"No! It's not your fault!"

Beast Boy didn't say anything after that. I sensed his dwindling courage; we were entering a dangerous territory. He was unsure on how to go on.

"It's not anybody's fault," he said in a shaky voice. "It's none of ours, at least…"

"Then how did-?"

"Don't ask me that, Raven."

"I want to know what's going on!"

"Raven."

"But Beast Boy-!"

He wordlessly hushed me with his somber eyes. I relaxed a bit more and sighed, waiting for him to speak. I was being terribly impatient with this and it's not like I was trying to be disrespectful: I just wanted answers and I was refusing to wait.

"It's about your memories, Raven. It's always been about your memories…"

"What's wrong with them?"

"Honestly, we don't know why it happened," he confessed. "And you don't seem to know either." I answered with the slow shake of my head. "Look, there's still a lot we don't know, but it's possible that this amnesia isn't permanent. You might have forgotten them but we still believe that you can remember. Maybe deep down, they still exist and they just need to be triggered."

"You guys tried to do that," I interrupted him, recalling the time they brought me a box of my old belongings.

"Yeah. We thought it could help you. We tried other things too: the herbal tea, training your powers, Stankball…"

"Yeah. I know. Nothing happened."

"We can't just tell you, Raven," Beast Boy told me. "Even if we explained everything, you wouldn't remember. You'd just _know _about it. It wouldn't help anything."

"And that's _the _secret? That you're keeping these secrets from me?"

"Yeah, I guess you can put it like that," he admitted with a nervous laugh.

"Then what can I do?" I asked. "There must be something to help me."

"That's been the debate around here. Robin thinks this and I think that and you're trying to get involved and it's just chaos. Honestly, nobody really knows how to approach this either."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"My point is we've settled on something: Raven, I can't help you. Not like the way you want me to. I can't tell you anything and not because I don't know but because I promised not to."

"What?"

"We all agreed not to tell you anything. Instead of explaining everything at once, we decided it would be best to leave you alone."

"You mean you didn't want to do _anything _to help me?"

"Our job was to help you get back onto your feet. We fed you, made sure you were comfortable, tried to make you happy. It was the little things we did‒those little triggers. We thought it would help over time."

"That doesn't make sense to me," I said, interrupting the green changeling. "I don't get how all this is helping me. I mean, the secrets are driving me crazy!"

"Don't get me wrong, Raven: I hated this plan‒you probably remember that‒and I'm still somewhat against this. But over time, I had to think about what would be better for you and right now, as much as it pains me, I can't tell you anything. Trust me: your memory can't return like that. It'll be even worse and I can't do that to you. I won't."

I paused for a moment, being careful as I put consideration into his speech. Concerned, Beast Boy insisted for me to tell him what I had been thinking.

"I don't know what to think," I confessed. "I feel like I'm only getting more and more confused."

"No, it's okay, Raven. Really. Think about it: your memory needs to return naturally, right? That's how you'll remember. It's all about being patient and waiting for your mind to kick into gear. Besides, our story is different from yours, I'm sure. You'll still be missing huge facts even if you hear it from us. It'd be better if you give yourself time to remember..."

"What makes you think my memory will ever come back?"

"Actually, your amnesia isn't as bad as it was a few months ago."

"It's not?"

"Yeah! We've definitely noticed a change; haven't you?"

"I wouldn't know," I said in disbelief.

"Well, we aren't really sure what's causing the amnesia, but we can tell it's been improving. We've seen you remember things. It was always these little hints that gave it away…"

"Like my dreams," I mumbled, more to myself than to the pea-green boy.

"Exactly. We knew what they meant."

"But I still don't know what they mean," I pleaded. "They scare me, Beast Boy. They're confusing and they don't make any sense. I don't understand what they have to do with me."

"Don't be afraid," he chided me. "You've got time to think things over and we're here to help you through this."

"But you can't help me. Not in the way I'd like you to…"

"We're not trying to hide anything from you, Raven; we're just waiting for you to figure it out for yourself."

"And when will that happened? How long will I have to go through this?"

"Even I don't have an answer for that," he replied. "It's up to you. We can't tell you what we know, but we know you'll find a way to learn for yourself."

It grew pretty quiet after that. I suddenly became aware of how empty the room was. The only other presence besides me had been Beast Boy and we were currently sharing such a small space in a large area. I guess it was like an instinct to be so close to another and Beast Boy seemed to notice this too. He then spoke up to me, adding another piece to the dismissed argument.

"You know‒about what I said earlier‒everybody's still uneasy about you and me."

"Why do you say that?" I questioned him, my cheeks starting to blush.

Beast Boy had the same reaction and he looked away mournfully: "It's nothing. They think that I'm gonna betray them or something, like I'm gonna tell you everything in hopes of fixing you."

"You technically did, didn't you?"

"Not really," he said, although we were both chuckling. "Okay, maybe a little, but I wanna keep my word on this one. They don't trust me but I'm going to prove them wrong."

"I can relate," I said meekly, offering a tiny smile.

We both deeply sighed. Beast Boy and I were relieved for the discussion to finally end. Although I was the one who started it, I was glad it was over too. Arguing wasn't my favorite activity and I could tell Beast Boy was truly hurt by my harsh words. I couldn't blame him. Besides, I hated seeing him hurt like that.

Just then, we were interrupted by a sound in the kitchen. The timer for the pizza was going off, which meant our meal was ready. Beast Boy turned to me.

"You hungry for a slice?"

"Definitely," I responded without hesitation.

* * *

Beast Boy and I prepared the large table for ourselves. There was really no need but Beast Boy had suggested it and it turned out to be a really good idea. He served the pizza on plates while I filled up two cups of water for us to drink. We sat on opposite sides of the table, sharing the large pizza, and we happily dined on it together.

We didn't talk much at first because we were both pretty hungry, but as the pizza began to shrink, a conversation between us began. We started talking about these little things, like how the day went and other casual topics, and then we became more indulged. I discovered that Beast Boy was a really good storyteller. He had plenty of stories to share and I was so intrigued by them. He made me laugh so hard that tears brimmed my violet eyes. His jokes could be so stupid at times but they never failed to make me laugh. Beast Boy seemed surprised by this but he was undoubtedly enjoying himself too.

It was just simple conversing in the beginning, but it became so personal to us. It was easy to get lost in words because talking with Beast Boy was almost too easy. I knew he was really good at socializing and making friends: the green changeling had enough charisma and social appeal to attract popularity. However, this was another side of Beast Boy that I haven't seen before. I didn't think Beast Boy could be deeply engaged with someone for so long‒I didn't think I could be either until that day.

_Who knew he was like that? _I thought. _That some cool, laid-back guy could become this passionate storyteller?_

_Beats me, _commented Brave.

_It's cute, _said Affection. _I like it._

_Me too._

For me, it's much more difficult to interact with others. I happen to be very awkward and shy in social situations. Also, I had no idea what it was like to have a friend. The Titans were strangers a few months ago but things have grown and changed since then; they were more than mere acquaintances, although a part of me still considered them as my captors. My denial was relentless and it sickened me too: why couldn't I admit it?

I didn't want to lament about it now. Instead, I put my elbows on the table and rested my chin on my hands. I was actively listening to Beast Boy's comical anecdote about the time he bought something called a B-Ped and he used it to defeat an alien species that resembled tofu. Every now and then, I would interject with a comment or laugh as his story went on. I couldn't find it in myself to care about how I felt towards Beast Boy and the Titans; I liked them, and more importantly, I liked Beast Boy, and it seemed wrong to think otherwise. Why should it matter anyway? I was enjoying myself and the pea-green boy was having fun too.

Why did I think this was a bad thing before?

The pizza we shared had been long forgotten. Across the room, the setting sun projected its dying light through the massive window. Shadows danced upon the walls, announcing the transition into twilight. The green changeling's voice sang throughout the vacant room, filling it with a lighter air. We had been so immersed with our conversation that we failed to realize the time. In fact, we were both very surprised when the Titans returned. The happiness fled from the room as soon as they entered.

"Hey dudes," the green changeling greeted them rather cheerily. "What's up?"

"We're callin' a meeting, BB," Cyborg informed him. "You're gonna be needed there."

"Now? But you just got back!"

"C'mon, Beast Boy," said Robin tiredly. "It shouldn't be too long anyway."

The unsupervised adolescents appeared utterly enervated. Judging by their wrinkled garments, their frizzled hair, and their clammy stench, they must have traveled for miles. We were both curious to what had happened but we knew it was nothing good and the green Titan didn't want to upset his friends anymore. Beast Boy could only sigh.

"Alright. I'm coming."

It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say I was disappointed: it was almost depressing to watch him leave. Beast Boy sent me a half-smile before he turned away with the others. I gave them a little wave, trying to act okay, but they didn't see it anyway. The door closed behind them and suddenly, I feared solitude.

Not knowing what else to do, I took our dishes away and washed them in the sink, along with the other dirty plates and silverware. The remaining pizza was stored away for later and I made sure the table was cleared too. The walk to my bedroom was painfully lonely. Actually, I don't think I've ever felt more alone in my entire existence.

* * *

**Author's Note: **So I've been doing some thinking and I think once I complete this story, I might want to publish it :) Like, it won't ever be sold or go on the market, but I definitely will print my own, personal copy and give it an awesome cover just for memories! (I mean, I wanna keep it and the Internet isn't always reliable) And then years from now, I can read it and mock myself for being such a dork XD But that's a LONG ways away, guys. There's still so much of my story left so I can't think about ending it now without crying :) Anyways, hope to see everybody again next time!


	23. When All Else Fails

**Author's Note:** Hi! Goodness it's so hard to sometimes write (my fellow authors can probably relate). Now, a while back, I had received a few PMs from people requesting fics from me and I can't tell you how flattered I am. I have talked about this before; I don't know what I'll do once I finish _Amnesia _so if you guys have ideas to share, I'd love to hear them! Now I can't guarantee anything: the truth is I probably won't be able to write any of them until I finish _Amnesia _because it's a lot of work to do already. However, I appreciate any kind of feedback, and as always, I'm open to suggestions, requests, and ideas :) Love you guys!

**A Previous Summary: **Raven is already on edge with her suspicions of the Titans so it's no surprise that her first lesson with Robin wouldn't turn out very well. She feels conflicted about learning possession. Raven is certainly determined to beat her amnesia but knows that possession can have deadly results if it isn't handled properly. Either way, Raven can't accomplish much due to her levels of stress and she agrees to be dismissed. Later, the Titans leave after they receive an urgent alert. Beast Boy stays behind and Raven uses this opportunity to talk to him. Their conversation becomes very personal but once again, more questions are raised and there's still so much for Raven to learn. One thing is for sure: without someone like Beast Boy, Raven would never trust the Titans, even while she has her own share of secrets to harbor.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 22: _When All Else Fails_

"You know what to do, right?"

"I've done it a billion times, Robin. Yes, I know what I'm doing."

"It's fine if you need a little re-cap."

"No, it's okay. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it, as long as I keep trying."

"Alright. It's just like we practiced, Raven. Nice and easy…"

I pinched my eyes shut: _I know!_

I deeply sighed and started the process all over again, trying to ignore my evident annoyance. Respiration began through my nose and it left through my mouth. I told myself to relax a little more, making sure my body wasn't too stiff. It would only make concentrating worse.

For hours, as it had seemed, I remained there. It was difficult to keep still, holding a certain height in the air while I had to learn how to access my soul-self. Robin confirmed that only an ideal balance of each would allow me to succeed, but I was becoming impatient. My limbs were naturally straining as time wore on. My mantra, which I had been endlessly chanting, didn't have any affect on anything. Since I felt hopeless, my effort started to deteriorate.

No matter how much I tried, nothing seemed to be working at all.

I exhaled loudly and slumped forward, losing the determination the posture for intense meditation. I then made myself land on the floor.

"This isn't working."

"'Cause you stopped focusing," Robin replied in a joking manner, not bothering to look at me.

"No. This _isn't _working, Robin. This is getting me nowhere!"

"You hafta stay focused. It's only your first time so it might take longer."

"Then why hasn't anything happened?"

Robin sat up in his chair and opened his eyes through the domino mask; "It's gonna be hard, Raven," he chided me. "Just keep going at it."

"But I've been doing this for hours now. I'm getting tired."

"Then we'll take a break. There's nothing wrong with that."

"No!" I cried. "I just want to do this!"

Robin raised both of his hands as a way for hushing me and I visibly calmed myself. Having to explain everything again made me frustrated, although I tried my best to speak as monotonic as possible. I found it much more difficult to emphasize my point.

"I don't want to keep meditating for hours each day. It's _one _little thing, Robin; I know I can do this and it's getting on my nerves that nothing happens when I try."

"I get where you're going with this," he assure me. "But you need to be patient, Raven. Pushing it won't get you anywhere."

"But I don't understand why it isn't working. Am I doing something wrong?"

"I don't know. Are your powers working?"

To prove the theory, I extended my arm and opened my palm. It wasn't long before an orb of dark energy had engulfed my entire hand. It didn't require much focus either and there was no need to announce my mantra. Summoning my powers was almost natural now because I had so much time to train and practice. However, if my powers were working, why couldn't I use them?

I shut my hand and allowed the dark energy to evaporate. After witness the demonstration, Robin looked concerned as well.

"Maybe we shouldn't…"

"We're not stopping," I clarified angrily. "I'm not giving up yet."

"But you should rest first. Clearing your head might help."

"I'm fine."

"Hey, I'm glad you're determined to do this, Raven‒really, I am‒but you can't obsess over this. It takes time and I know it can get frustrating so you hafta be strong. You also hafta know your limits…"

"I can do it now," I said as I folded my legs and began to levitate. "I can get it over with and be done if I can just _do _this…"

"I don't want you to hurt yourself," the masked boy told me uneasily.

"I'm more worried about you, Robin. Whatever. I'm fine. Now are you staying or leaving?"

"A break wouldn't be a bad thing right now..."

"Make up your mind: are you going to help me out or not?"

Robin was debating on whether or not he should leave. Without him, I wouldn't have a volunteer to possess, but I could still try to access my soul. He was obviously worried that something bad would happened if I was practicing alone and he wanted to be there in case he needed to intervene. Although the leader of the Titans seemed rueful, he uneasily returned to the chair.

"Alright," he said quietly, trying to make himself comfortable in his seat. "You can try it again, so long as you stay calm and focused."

"I'll do my best," I replied as I repositioned myself in the air.

_No promises…_

"Huh? Did you say something?"

"Nothing," I answered quickly. "Quiet! I'm trying to concentrate!"

The hard part about meditating is definitely the concentrating part. Sometimes, my mind starts to meander and I have to set it back into place. However, it's not all that easy. Thoughts can often penetrate my mind and cause me to lose focus, and that can happen in seconds. I don't know what got into me, but suddenly, I realized how meaningless my efforts were becoming. I had been repeating the same methods over and over again, expecting different results each time. That is the true definition of insanity, and yet I'm still hopeful that I'll eventually achieve my goals. Utterly frustrated, I cursed loudly and at this, Robin stood abruptly.

"Raven-"

"No! I don't want to hear it! I'm fine!"

"Just calm down…"

"Okay! I got it. I'm fine. I'm trying it again."

"No, we're not doing this anymore, Raven. We're done for the day."

"Says who?" I said, suddenly challenging him.

"You're not focused or ready for this. I won't let you use your powers when you're like that."

"You're the one that WANTED me to do this! Why am I suddenly the only one that's 'determined' now?"

"Because I told you it will take time but you're not listening to me. You need to be patient!"

"I am!"

"No you're not. You're upset! You need to stay calm!"

"You're making it worse for me!"

"Then just stop what you're doing!"

"NO!"

The combustion of the light above us had startled me back into my senses. It was clear what had happened: I let my emotions slip through my barriers. Once again, I failed to recognize the symptoms of mental turmoil and its effects. I had a difficult time speaking now. Each word of mine sounded suffocated and choked. Nothing I said could be easily interpreted.

"I- I need to...be alone," I stuttered, hugging my arms to prevent anymore destruction.

"Raven, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Please go."

"I can't leave you like this."

"Go, Robin! Please...please leave me alone..."

Forlorn, the masked Titans watched me for a while longer. My eyes were starting to produce tears so I turned away, shielding my embarrassed expression. Seeing that I wouldn't cooperate, Robin excused himself from my bedroom and silently left, not wanting to distress me anymore. The door closed behind him, and the moment it shut, my eyes opened and they flared with the light of my power. The chair was shoved across the room and it toppled over with a loud _thud._

"Dammit, you guys!" I shouted madly to myself. "What was that all about?"

_It wasn't me! _Timid cried, starting to panic. _I swear I didn't do anything!_

_Don't look at me, _Rude said. _I'm just as innocent as her._

_We are not responsible for this, Raven, _Wisdom told me. _Nobody would do this to you._

"Well, obviously someone did," I responded in a sarcastic tone.

_That gives you no right to accuse us._

"Right? What is this, a democracy?" At this, Happy laughed, but I continued in a much sterner voice. "You guys are all _me._ There's no _us _in this. And either way, I'm the leader here. This is my body, my mind, my life. No one is going to boss me around."

_Then we expect the same in return, _Wisdom clarified.

"This isn't about you!"

_Oh right, _said Rude and I sensed her rolling her orange eyes. _This is about you._

"Yes! Me, not you."

_But aren't we you?_

"No."

_But you said we were you, didn't you?_

"I was talking about-"

_And you said we aren't us because we're you, so technically when you told us‒you‒to stop talking about us‒which is still you‒you, the real you, were actually..._

"Stop it!" I cried. "That isn't what I meant!"

_Then what did you want to say? _Wisdom asked me in a much calmer voice. _Why did you get upset earlier?_

I could sense Rude feeling boastful about herself in Nevermore, which didn't make me feel any better. Wisdom was trying to help, but I was too irritated to make much sense.

"I tried everything with Robin. I did exactly what he said but I still don't see the problem. I don't know why couldn't it work! I was doing everything right, wasn't I?"

_Apparently not, _commented Brave.

"So then I don't get it! Either I missed something or I wasn't trying hard enough."

_Look, I know it sucks, _said my fearless Emoticlone. _But if you tried any harder, you would've busted a blood vessel. It's a good thing Robin stopped ya when he did._

"Well he shouldn't have. I could have done it! I almost had it!"

_You were nowhere near it, _Rude snickered. _Nice try, but it wasn't working. Sorry to disappoint you._

"I don't need to hear your criticism," I shot back.

_Well you started it. Sheesh._

"Then what do you think happened, huh? Explain that!"

_You weren't focused enough. Simple as that._

Rude knew that her answer only infuriated me more and she only seemed more pleased with herself. I was reminded that she would do this to me; my Emoticlones can be manipulative, especially those of a darker emotion, so I had to be wary. I quickly meditated, using my mantra to enable a contact with Nevermore. This brought down the mental tension immediately, much to my relief.

_They seem out-of-sorts today too, _I thought to myself. _What's going on?_

By saying this, I came to a startling realization. Of course! Why didn't I think of this before? It made so much sense and although I wanted to celebrate this understanding, it also brought a sense of alarm. I wanted to kick myself for not noticing it sooner.

_It's Rage, _I thought.

_Raven?_

"She's here. She's causing all of this…"

_Who's here? Who are you talking about?_

"Rage. I think I figured it out; it's because of her!"

_What do you mean?_

"Can't you tell?" I prodded them. "I've heard her before. I've heard her everywhere. She speaks to me all the time but it's so sudden that I don't even realize it."

_Perhaps you are mentioning the times after your coma, _inferred Wisdom.

"No. I'm talking about yesterday, the day before, and the months since the coma. Don't you get it? She's always contacting me, but I can never contact her. I think that's what's going on right: Rage is affecting me again and I finally caught her doing it!"

_I am afraid we cannot understand, _Wisdom confessed. _She has not spoken to us for a great while. In addition, we do not know when she is contacting you._

"I don't seem to know either," I said softly. "I keep missing my chance. I can recognize her voice, but she's only there when I least expect it. This time is different though: I _know _she's here, but I don't know how."

_Did she say something to you? _Brave asked me, deathly curious over the topic. _What does she say anyway?_

"No, I didn't hear anything, and she usually doesn't say much. She just..._says _something and she's gone. It's so quick and painless too."

_How strange, _Wisdom noted.

_Wonder what she's up to, _said my fearless Emoticlone.

"It could be anything," I replied. "But there's no way of knowing, and apparently no way to stop it."

_Have you tried meditating? _Affection asked.

"Dozens of times. It's like she can cheat the system or something. Meditating has nearly no effect to her."

_How can that be?_

"I don't have the slightest idea. It makes no sense to me either."

_She's up to something, _Brave proclaimed to her fellow Emoticlones. _I don't trust her for a second. We need to find her before she screws us over! Now!_

_And how are you going to do that? _Rude spoke up, mocking Brave's leadership. _You think you can just call her name and she'll come running like a puppy? She's too smart to be outsmarted. She's playing you guys already!_

_Didn't you hear? _cried Timid. _Rage is watching us right now. She's here! She can get us!_

_We can't even find her,_ added Affection. _Only Raven can sense Rage, and she still doesn't know where she is._

_What could be the motive for her disappearance? _said Wisdom. _What is Rage trying to accomplish?_

_She's going to kill us all, _my shy Emoticlone wailed. _We're going to die!_

"Everyone! BE QUIET!"

It took another moment for my Emoticlones to hush themselves, but eventually, the painful commotion did alleviate. I gave a respectful pause, sensing their restlessness and anticipation. Everyone was on edge‒it's no surprise that I was too.

"There's only one way to know for sure," I announced, silencing my conversing Emoticlones. "If Rage is ever going to reveal herself to us, we need to do something to draw her out of hiding."

_Like what? _asked my Emoticlones in unison, eager for an answer.

"The old-fashioned way, I guess: we have to make her angry."

Personally, I didn't enjoy the idea either, but none of my Emoticlones seemed to agree with this. Just before another riot could erupt within Nevermore, I took the liberty to meditate. My mantra visibly quieted them, although they had been reluctant and tried resisting me. However, they didn't pose the threat of overpowering me.

"You guys just need to bear with me," I insisted. "I'm on your side, remember?"

_Raven, stop!_

"I know what I'm doing, Wisdom. I got this under control."

_No, Raven. Stop! Stop what you're doing!_

"Shhh!"

_Don't do this, Raven, _Brave warned me. _This isn't smart!_

"I said be quiet!"

_Please don't! She's mean and scary!_

_There are other ways to do this! Anything but this!_

_You're putting yourself in a dangerous position, Raven. It's not worth it!_

_This isn't something you would do!_

"SHUT UP!"

Gradually, my Emoticlones quieted themselves. Wisdom was the one who gathered everybody into a huddle and hushed them. Brave stood on the outside of the group perimeter, preparing for a fight, while Timid scampered behind her fellow sisters for protection. They knew what I was doing was dangerous and although they took the precautions, I sensed they felt nowhere near ready to meet the enraged Emoticlone again.

"Rage," I began in a commanding voice.

Only silence answered me.

"I know you're in there, Rage. I know you're hearing this. I can sense you. I feel you in there."

More silence. My voice amplified itself as I fueled it with passion.

"Hiding yourself from us doesn't make your situation any better. We figured out what you've been doing so it's not going to work anymore. You've got nothing to do and nowhere to go, so you might as well come out before you make things worse for yourself."

I gave a patient pause, knowing that Rage wasn't the type of Emoticlone to respectfully answer. In Nevermore, my other personalities were searching the area for the presence of a darker emotion.

"We're waiting for you, Rage. Are you going to come out or what?"

At this, I heard Timid whimper and I thought that I was getting close to luring Rage out.

"Make me angry, why don't you? I know you can do it. You've done it before so why not now? What's stopping you?"

I started shouting now: "Get me! I'm here! Come out and get me! C'mon! Just you and me for a round. C'mon, Rage! Show yourself!"

I stood alone in my room, straining to listen for a reply from Nevermore. I was anticipating it, which only made me feel worse. My heart started to hit me harder and harder from within my chest. My breaths came out ragged as they increased in tempo and my limbs trembled from the energized blood. It was a huge defeat to learn that this anxiety wasn't worth the experience.

_Is she still here? _Timid inquired worriedly.

_I don't know, _I answered ominously.

_Did she say something? _Brave prodded. _Anything?_

_No. Nothing._

Slowly, all of my Emoticlones relaxed, except for Timid, who clung to Brave's hand like a child following their mother. Brave didn't seem to mind this, despite her aggressive nature and her willingness to fight. The others, like Affection and Happy, seemed relieved that my plan never succeeded. Contrary to her sisters, Rude looked disappointed. However, she didn't argue over it and remained stoic while my Emoticlones chatted about it. Sloth stood out because she was concerned at first but she only worried over whether she could nap in peace.

"She's just a coward," I muttered at last. "She's scared of us, that's why. She knows she's on the losing side but she won't admit it."

_Don't taunt her more! _cried Timid.

"Why not?" I asked aloud. "She's not going to do anything. She can't. She's too busy hiding from us. Only cowards do that…"

_That's enough, Raven,_ Wisdom reprimanded me, although I could sense her fear.

In response, I blew a purple strand of hair out of my face. I knew it would be difficult to summon Rage‒especially since nobody else except me has contacted her‒but I didn't think she would resist my accusations. If anything, I expected her to become enraged, causing me to react with her. However, everything was in order. I closed my eyes and meditated for a few moments, just enough to ease my Emoticlones into submission. Still, nothing happened.

Rage was nowhere to be found.

* * *

In my peripheral vision, I saw the door to the Gym split apart and Starfire flew inside with great speed. When she spotted me across the room, she visibly relaxed. It was obvious that my disappearance had been noticed.

"Friend Raven," Starfire sighed in relief. "Thank the goodness. Robin has been searching for you."

I kept jabbing at the punching bag in front of me. Sweat trickled down the back of my neck and my face was flushed from the vigorous exercise. I wasn't in any mood to talk so my replies weren't too complex. I was hoping she would understand my subtle hints, but I knew how naive the Titan could be.

"Just been down here," I uttered between punches.

"For how long?"

"A while."

"I see you are practicing."

"More or less."

I gave the punching bag a final blow and then stood back, giving my body a few moments to recover. Starfire had cautiously landed and was now observing me. She saw it was visibly difficult for me to breathe but I didn't care that I felt tired and dizzy; anger became my fuel and motivation to keep going. Meanwhile, the green-sclera alien was debating on whether to intervene or not since my health was an obvious concern. At least, it seemed like a concern to her.

"You seem tired, Raven."

"Yeah," I gasped, wiping away the perspiration on my forehead. "I've been working hard."

"And why is that?"

"I need to stay in shape, right? You told me that. I mean, how else am I supposed to keep up with you guys?"

"But why are you doing the training now?"

In response, I shrugged: "Beats feeling bad for myself."

"You feel the bad about what?"

"It's nothing," I assured her.

"You can tell me, Friend Raven."

"Really. It's nothing for you to worry about."

"Do you wish to talk to someone?"

"Look, it's just my way to cool down," I told Starfire. "Talking about it won't really help me‒at least, not this time. But this‒" I gave the punching bag a spinning kick, which sent it flying backwards on the chain. "This gives me something to put feeling into. It's the best way for me to use my emotions and also keep them in check."

"It does not look very effective," she whispered.

"But it works. It works just fine for me."

I started attacking the punching bag again. Although I thought Starfire would get bored and eventually leave, she was persistent about her skepticism. The alien continued to watch me for a great while, as if deep in thought. I tried to ignore her and instead I focused on the punching bag. The feeling of the tough leather against my fists. The resistance I felt after each punch. The burn in my throat replaced the pain in my head and the ache in my heart. These results only increased my fury. That is, until a lime-green bolt whizzed past my head.

I flinched from the unexpected attack and spun around incredulously. Starfire was now flying in the air, gripping a charging starbolt in her hand. Her eyes were crinkled from her sly grin.

"What was that for?" I asked, feeling endangered.

Starfire launched another starbolt at me and I ducked behind the punching bag, narrowly missing her assault. Actual panic started to rise inside me.

"Starfire!" I shrieked.

"I would not just stand there, if I were you," Starfire said in a threatening voice. "Unless you are willing to admit defeat."

Starfire's expression soften briefly and she gave me a wink with one of her large, opal eyes. I must have looked hilarious to her because the realization hit me soon after she spoke. I also stifled a laugh and then I returned the gesture with an appreciative smile before I adapted to another character.

"So you think you can beat me?"

"Of course," responded Starfire. "I am the instructor and you are my student. Everything you have learned has come from me."

"Then get ready for a few surprises."

The tangerine girl raised one of her hands, preparing to launch one of her electrified starbolts, but suddenly her arm was jerked backwards and it couldn't move. Starfire looked back in horror as a sphere of dark energy engulfed her entire hand. She tried using her other fist to resist but I formed another barrier to overpower it. With both of her arms restrained, I couldn't help to hide the provoked grin of victory. Starfire glared at me and mirrored the same smile, just as her eyes began to flare.

I had to defend myself from her eye beams and by doing so, I had to release Starfire from my captivity. Like a freed hawk, Starfire soared around the room, targeting her prey below‒me. Instead of taking the defensive maneuver, I started pitching bolts of my power at her. Starfire easily avoided each attack of mine since her volitation was unpredictable. Then, she flew straight at me with a beam of green energy bursting from her fists.

My hemisphere dome was enough to shield myself but I wasn't prepared for Starfire to land so close to me. Within the proximity, she started to throw some punches. I have never been engaged in hand-to-hand combat like this, especially against a friend, so I was quite hesitant to play to Starfire's intensity. I blocked each of her attacks, taking a step backwards whenever I could. However, seeing this, Starfire saw her opportunity to kick my legs out beneath me.

Thankfully, due to my rehearsed reflexes, I levitated myself before I could hit the floor. I then used this momentum to drift backwards, putting distance between me and my opponent. Starfire jumped into the air after me so I used my black force to shove her aside. She avoided my next attempt and came at me with a raised hand, which she drove straight into my chest.

I expected to feel pain because it was a direct contact. However, I didn't feel anything at all. I realized I had closed my eyes and when I opened them, Starfire was staring at me with a dumbfounded expression. Her hand went right through me but in those few moments, I managed to access my soul-self. Starfire did not anticipate this‒and neither did I‒so I used this to my advantage. In one swift motion, I took a step away from Starfire, solidified, and gave her a push away from me.

This exhilarating move changed me in so many ways. I could feel my Emoticlones buzzing inside Nevermore, begging for their chance to experience the ambiance they represent. Brave displayed my courage, Wisdom provided my knowledge, and Affection promoted my determination to succeed. With all of them in my power, my energy was replenished and it felt almost infinite. My strength seemed to multiply, so long as I believed I was able to keep going. My senses were in a state of utter enlightenment and perception.

Now, I _really _wanted to fight.

As Starfire regained herself, the dummies in the Gym started to rustle. Because I was using my telekinetic abilities, they were in my direct control and I could do with them as I please. They came at Starfire in all directions but she easily adapted back into her hostile stance. The tangerine girl blasted several away with starbolts and when one came very close to her, she sent it away with a spinning kick into its stuffed head.

There was a quick learning curve to my tricks. As soon as Starfire defeated her stuffed opponents, another dummy came her way. Only this time, it was throwing punches as well. I felt proud of myself as Starfire had to fend herself from the possessed dummy. Their movements were stiff and mechanical but it was enough to stall Starfire's time and energy. After she managed to push one away, I made sure another one was always ready to attack. Starfire learned the trend and she knew the only way to stop it would be to stop me. She started getting crafty too.

The alien used the next dummy she had destroyed as her next weapon. Its remains were launched directly at me and I was forced to dodge it. When I looked back up at Starfire, she was already facing me with a menacing stare. She raised both of her hands and they began to blossom into a single orb of lime-green energy. Upon instinct, I mirrored the tangerine girl, feeling the urge to fight rather than protect myself. We both were planning to do the same attack on each other and now it was a competition to see who would fire first. I didn't know how exactly it happened but as soon as I shouted my mantra, green and black hues exploded before my eyes.

The force of the supernatural collision had both me and Starfire thrown backwards. My back hit the wall on the opposite side of the room and I slid into a heap on the floor. I knew I wasn't too injured but the blow from behind was enough to knock the wind out of me. The lambency had also blinded me and I was seeing spots even when my eyes were closed. Since I was too disoriented, I didn't even notice the pair of purple boots walking up to me until I was consumed in their large shadow.

When I looked up, I expected Starfire to deliver a final attack. She reached for me and I was about to defend myself until I realized it wasn't meant to be offensive. Starfire was only offering me an orange hand, accompanied by a timid grin. I graciously accepted her help and I grunted as I was lifted back onto my feet. I was then given a big, bone-crushing hug, much to my surprise. By then, we were both laughing and reminiscing the spar.

"You were truly amazing back there," the alien enthused as she pulled away from me. "I have never seen you fight like that!"

"Thanks," I said, still trying to catch my breath. "I could say the same thing to you."

"But I never would have imagined to use the dummies to my advantage."

"I just thought it would be easier than fighting you."

"That is very clever, Raven. It was tedious work to defeat them and I feel quite tired myself."

"Yeah, me too, but it was actually kinda fun! Wasn't it?"

"Certainly," she laughed. "You shall make an excellent teammate in the future."

"Thanks, Starfire," I told her. "That means a lot."

She gave me another one of her warm smiles and I returned it to the best of my ability. The alien then noticed me wincing and she saw how I was clutching my side.

"You are hurt?" I was about to protest but Starfire started apologizing. "Oh, Friend Raven. I am truly sorry. I did not mean to harm you in any way. This is how we fight each other and I must have forgotten to take the necessary precautions with you..."

"No, it's okay."

"Should I bring you to the Infirmary?"

"Really, Starfire. I'll be fine. Watch."

I placed a hand on my stomach and inhaled very slowly. As I exhaled, I whispered my mantra to gather strength. Immediately, a blue light was emitted from my hand. The pain in my side vanished after a few moments of concentration and afterwards, I gestured to myself as I spoke to Starfire.

"See? Just like you taught me! And I feel completely fine."

"Oh, that is most excellent!" she cheered. "Although, I do feel the bad for causing the pain."

"I know you didn't mean it," I assured her. "Besides, I probably hurt you too. Didn't I?"

"I wouldn't know. I heal very quickly."

"And so do I, so we're even."

It grew quiet between us for a while. We both surveyed the disorganized room, knowing that we would have to explain ourselves if anyone else came here. The female Titan suddenly faced me again with curious eyes.

"You are thinking," she noted quietly. "What is it you are thinking about?"

I turned to her with a hinting smile: "I feel much better now than I did a while ago, thanks to you..."

"My pleasure."

"So I think I'm going to find Robin now. We should have talked a while ago anyway."

"Wonderful idea. I'm sure he shall appreciate it."

"I think so too."

"But you may only leave _after _you help me clean the gymnasium," Starfire warned me. "You contributed to the mess so I expect you to help as well."

"I'd be happy to."

* * *

**Author's Note: **We're doing great, everybody! 95 Followers already! If we keep this up, we can reach our goal in no time :) See ya soon!


	24. Like a Friend

**Author's Note: **One _hundred_ followers?! That is A-MAZE-ZING. We reached my goal before the first Anniversary of _Amnesia_ and that calls for a celebration, starting with an earlier post than usual :) On April 12th, I will post Chapter 25 (this is regular posting time) and April 14th, I will promptly post Chapter 26. Now that chapter is shorter, but not to worry, I will also be posting on the 19th to end Book One of _Amnesia_. I think I told you guys this, but my story can be almost perfectly divided into two books. Therefore, Chapter 27 will be almost an "ending" and will be followed by a short break but in reality, there's so much more story to be told :) Anyways, thanks again and happy reading!

**A Previous Summary:** Raven's training with Robin has taken a turn for the worst. She can't control her frustration and when Robin tries to calm her down, Raven lashes out at him. Robin is forced to leave while Raven makes contact with Nevermore. Raven suspects it was her Emoticlones' fault but they plead that they haven't done anything wrong. This leads Raven to conclude that it wasn't, in fact, any of them causing her frustration‒it must have been Rage. However, no amount of taunting can draw her out of hiding and Raven is left feeling discouraged. She goes to work out in the Gym, using her fury as an inspiration, and Starfire decides to turn this into something more positive. Raven spars with Starfire and to her amazement, she does very well. Starfire is very enthusiastic about Raven's progress and this gives her hope. If she can improve with these abilities, she can certainly add another skill to her knowledge.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 24: _Like a Friend_

A few days had gone by since my last outburst with Robin. We took the incident into memory, but it was more of a "learning experience" as Robin had put it. We knew this skill wasn't going to be easy and now we learned that this skill is also tedious, physically and mentally. It turned out to be more strenuous than Robin had predicted. Each session drained what little reserves of energy I had, but we agreed that we have gone too far to stop and let our efforts go to waste. I wanted to keep trying until I could master the manifestation of my soul, although I was still hesitant to actually fulfill the goal of possessing Robin.

The training we did together over the past couple days wasn't very exciting. I repeated the routine with Robin probably hundreds of times and we hardly made any progress. Robin continued to encourage me but I still couldn't accomplish much. Nothing was helping and the days only remained vacant and uneventful. The work got so boring that it became difficult to focus for long periods of time. As a result, we took more breaks, stalling my motivation to be productive. In fact, I think we were both becoming more and more restless as the third day passed. When I had asked Robin for some days off, there wasn't even an argument: the masked Titan was more than willing to let me rest.

I spent that next day sleeping in and I woke up around 10:30, which is something really rare for me to do. Even though I didn't sleep consistently and kept waking up in the middle of the night, I rose from my bed feeling somewhat relieved‒at least, more so than usual. It seemed pretty late into the day already so I didn't want to stall my time any longer. I readied myself by showering and changing into comfy clothes, as I always liked to do, and then I went upstairs with my book of Azar under my arm.

I read a few pages as I sipped on my traditional mug of herbal tea. The Tower was nearly silent. Not too long ago, Robin and Starfire left together to take care of some business and Cyborg was working downstairs in the garage. Beast Boy was the only other Titan here. He was hanging out in the Main Ops room too, entertaining himself with another one of his competitive video games and snacking on pieces of hard candy every now and then. I was still in the mood to read so once I had finished my hot beverage, I decided to join the green changeling on the couch. As I sat down, Beast Boy snuck a glance before he turned back to his screen, hiding a grin. I wasn't trying to hide my smile though.

Honestly, I felt partially obliged to socialize with Beast Boy. After what happened a few days earlier, I never really got the chance to talk to him again. I don't spend time with the Titans very much anyway but I wanted to change that. In fact, I was already starting to do things with them more often: playing games like Stink Ball, eating meals at the table, contributing to my assigned chores, and even participating in group conversations.

Months ago, I barely had the audacity to venture outside my bedroom. Communication with the Titans was brief and I rejected all forms of their kindness for thought of it being a tactic to manipulate me. Now, the things between us have drastically changed. I have grown since then and the Titans did too. The whole "isolation" plan of mine seemed like such an absurd idea of the past‒how could I ignore people like the Titans?

How could I ignore Beast Boy?

As I reclined comfortably on the couch, resting my feet on the short table, I realized that we weren't alone. Starfire's pet was lounging on one of the pillows and I was startled to find him there. He blinked slowly as he raised his head, curious to find me here too. Despite my reluctantness the first time I had met him, I was actually really pleased to see him again. I reached over and gave Silkie an affectionate rub on his belly as a greeting. He immediately rolled over and gurgled with delight, much to my surprise. Beast Boy saw this and he couldn't help but comment on the situation.

"He seems happy to see you," he chuckled.

"Well I'm happy to see you too, Silkie," I said in a babying voice.

Silkie purred as I gave him a final pat. Beast Boy returned to his game and I opened my book to the page that had been saved by my purchased bookmark. It went on like this for quite a while. Beast Boy played with the TV while I studied spells quietly by his side. Often, the green changeling would jump in his seat and criticize the screen and he did this in a rather "childish" manner. I would glance at the projected screen, unimpressed to witness Beast Boy's car get destroyed again somehow. He did seem pretty upset at times but there was no doubt he was having fun.

Around 11:45, I left briefly to put a dairy-free, cheese pizza in the oven, only after Beast Boy had agreed to share it with me. When I returned to the couch, he had paused the screen so he could unwrap a cherry-flavored candy and pop it into his mouth. The pea-green boy crumpled the plastic wrapper and then tossed it onto the coffee table, along with all the others.

"_More_ candy?" I asked him in disbelief.

"Yeah? What about it?"

"Don't you think that's a little unhealthy?"

"Hey! You're the one that suggested making pizza for lunch!"

"But you're eating _candy_, Beast Boy. That's the millionth time I've seen you eating them..."

Beast Boy rolled his eyes and picked up his controller. He generously sucked on the tiny sweet as his fingers swept over the buttons and controls. I had to make myself look away from his puckered, concentrated face.

"And I am making lunch anyway so why can't you wait like twenty minutes?"

"But I'm hungry now! And why are you arguing with me? Does it really bother you that much?"

"I'm just saying," I teased him.

"Yeah yeah. Go back to reading your spells or whatever..."

"I wish it was that easy," I added with a sly smile. "You're distracting."

"Am not."

"You always shout at the screen, Beast Boy, and you jerk your whole body whenever you try to turn the car. It's kinda funny sometimes."

"I'm just getting into the groove!" he protested. "And I beat you every time so calling me out on something doesn't make you a better player."

I turned to properly face Beast Boy. He was deeply engaged in his video game but he also showed a great amount of focus towards the conversation we were having. It was actually very impressive because it wasn't anything you'd expect from him.

"Beast Boy? Do you think I could play the next game?"

It took a good amount of courage to ask him that question. I knew how much he enjoyed playing these games and it felt rude to interrupt him, but I had my reasons: I wanted to personally connect with Beast Boy. Out of all the other Titans, I spend the least amount of time with him. I would train with Robin for hours and do chores with Cyborg, and Starfire is the only one I can trust with girl-related problems. That leaves nothing between Beast Boy and I, and I was determined to change this.

I always had fun with green changeling, although I was unsure if he felt the same way. He is the kind of guy who loves to goof around and be silly with his friends but I knew my type was much more reserved and quiet. I had to show the pea-green Titan what I could do, perhaps even impress him if I could. Sharing a common interest, like video games, would be the best way for us to interact. Despite my hesitation, Beast Boy replied very enthusiastically. Actually, he was almost _too_ enthusiastic. We then traded what was in our hands; I accepted the controller and Beast Boy took my book of Azar into his care.

"It's all yours," he said. "Go for it!"

I started another game and selected a new car for myself. Beast Boy observed my silver automobile as it raced along the endless track. However, unlike me, he couldn't stay quiet; the green changeling was a different kind of spectator during entertainment. He yipped whenever I gained a power-up and booed if my car crashed or left the course. Also, he never missed a chance to give me advice. He would even reach over to press a button on my controller and I would have to hold it away from him, demanding him to stop. I was having a good race but it ended abruptly when Beast Boy playfully scared me, making my car swerve out of control. He tried to be respectful by concealing his laughter but it didn't work too well.

"Thanks a lot," I said sarcastically.

"What?" he asked in mock confusion. "What's wrong?"

"Oh shut up and take the controller back."

"No need to tell me twice."

We swapped again and I got up to retrieve our lunch from the beeping oven. I dished out a few slices of pizza on plates and brought them back over to the couch. I set two cups filled with soda on the coffee table and I even served Silkie his own little meal, for which he seemed extremely grateful. It wasn't anything like a feast but it was very satisfactory; Beast Boy was especially pleased with our choice in cuisine.

The green changeling and I agreed to watch something else while we ate and we decided to turn on a TV show. It grew quiet between us as we chewed thoughtfully, our eyes indulging in the lame drama on the screen. We were both silently criticizing the actors and their horrible portrayals of human interactions‒there was no doubt that Beast Boy hated the show‒but he kept it on anyway. I didn't mind it too much; it was quite enjoyable to watch the poorly-written episode and make fun of it. Some scenes were really awkward but that made it much more entertaining to watch.

Silkie belched loudly beside us and I guess we both realized that we had finished our food without knowing it. I proceeded to clean up the mess we had made by bringing all of the dishes to the sink. I knew it was my turn to wash so I ran the hot water and scrubbed them clean before placing them on the rack to dry. When I went back over to Beast Boy, I didn't sit down again. Beast Boy turned towards me curiously.

"I'm going to find Cyborg," I told the green Titan. "There's still some pizza here and I think he would like the rest of it."

"Sounds good," he replied. "You should check the garage downstairs. He's been working down there a lot these past few days."

I filled another plate with the leftover slices of pizza, thanked Beast Boy once more for the time we spent together, and went off to deliver the food to Cyborg.

* * *

Sure enough, after a brief elevator ride to the bottom floor, I immediately found Cyborg across the room from me. He was currently working beneath one of the many vehicles in the garage, lying on his back so he could mess with its internal mechanics. I assumed he hadn't heard me so I approached him quietly, not wanting to disturb him. The mechanical man withdrew himself from the car and grinned up at me.

"Hey Raven! What brings ya here?" He spotted the plate in my hand and he suddenly looked relieved. "Aw man. You brought me pizza?"

"Beast Boy and I figured you would want the rest," I said, holding the plate out to him.

"Sure do," he grunted, pulling to his feet so he could accept the meal. "Been meaning to come upstairs and get something to eat anyway. Thanks for that."

While Cyborg starting eating his first slice, I took a moment to observe the car that he had been tinkering with. It took me a moment to recognize it because it appeared to be in such disarray and hardly anything remained the same as it was before the accident. The white sheen had been scratched and shaved raw in some places, exposing its dull skin; the windshield had sustained a web of cracks that splintered along the edges; the roof had a massive depression due to an unexpected impact. Meanwhile, Cyborg washed down his bites with the bottle of water that he set it on the battered hood of the car. He wiped his mouth with his hand before he continued to eat.

"You got the car," I breathed, leering at the wreckage in wonder. "It's the T-car."

"Yep," he boasted playfully after a large gulp. "She just came in a few days back."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I fetched her with Robin and Star while we were out."

"How did you guys get it back?" I asked him.

"Well we didn't drive it here, that's for sure. A tire popped and the engine wouldn't start..."

"Then what happened?"

"Don't ever doubt Star's strength," he laughed, giving the automobile a pat. "You'll be sorry."

"I can't believe Starfire can do that," I replied with a chuckle of my own.

"You'd be surprised by what we can all do."

The mechanical man, being only halfway done with his lunch, set his plate down on the car. He clapped his hands together, brushing away the crumbs, before he walked off towards his cluttered workbench. I couldn't figure out what he was doing until he returned with a piece of paper that had been rolled up into a tight cylinder. Cyborg then proceeded to spread the paper out on the hood of the car.

"I've been putting all my time into fixing her," he said, pointing to the blueprints as he elaborated. "Not much has changed since then...the windshield needs to be replaced and that door is pretty busted, and I won't even begin to talk about how the engine is. There's a lot that needs to be done before she's ready to drive again."

"So what's wrong with the door?"

"See for yourself."

I took a couple paces forward so I could examine the crooked door frame on the passenger's side. When I tried to open it, the door only creaked and did nothing more. I argued that maybe he locked it, but Cyborg assured me that all the doors were unlocked and he proved it by using his keys. The handle had been yanked mercilessly but the door refused to move and it remained closed. It was warped in such a way that it physically couldn't open due to the damage it had sustained. I returned to Cyborg's side is disbelief, peering around him so I could see the graphics of the T-car.

"That's strange," I muttered.

"Yeah," he sighed. "It's going to take some work to get it back into shape. I'm probably just gonna tear the whole thing off and install a new one anyway."

"Do you want me to help?"

I guess I caught Cyborg off guard by offering my help. To be honest, I didn't know all that much about cars‒I didn't think I could drive one either‒but after what had happened earlier, I needed to find a way to make it up to Cyborg. It made me feel sick to know he was fixing something that I had caused.

"No, that's alright, Raven."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," said Cyborg. "I can't ask you to do anything like that."

"I feel bad about it," I confessed. "I feel horrible knowing that you have to fix the T-car all by yourself."

"Don't be," he assured me. "Feel sorry for Cinderblock. Next time I see him, he's going to get what's coming."

I chucked lightly but the situation was nowhere near funny. Cyborg immediately grew serious with me.

"C'mon, Raven. You have NO reason to apologize. It wasn't your fault it got wrecked."

"There has to be something I can do though, right?"

"You brought me food," he reminded me, pointing at the plate of pizza. "Raven, you're already being helpful, and I didn't even ask anything from you! Don't you worry about the T-car; everything's alright."

"It's just a shame though," I sighed, inspecting a dent on one of the doors. "It was fun to ride around in it."

"Oh, don't give this baby a funeral yet," the mechanical man warned me playfully.

We both chuckled well into the silence. Cyborg and I were leering at the car for a while because we didn't know what else to say. The conclusion to our conversation had come and I didn't want to delay Cyborg anymore. He was probably eager to get back to working.

"You should eat the rest of the pizza," I told him. "You know, before it gets cold."

"Alright. I will. And thanks again for the lunch, Raven."

"It's no problem. Good luck with the T-car."

"I won't need any of that," he called after me as I strolled back to the elevator. "She's gonna be running before ya know it!"

* * *

I didn't do much else throughout the duration of the day. A majority of time was spent on occupying myself, avoiding boredom to the best of my ability. That was achieved by doing a variety of random activities, whether it be completing chores, reading my book of Azar, or just relaxing in general. Nothing seemed too out-of-the-ordinary because everything was relatively calm and collected. The only thing that concerned me was when Robin and Starfire had finished the errands they had been running.

The masked boy and the tangerine girl had left the Tower early this morning and they returned negligently after a lazy dinner. At the time, I was retiring for the night. I had gone to the bathroom to do my nocturnal rituals of brushing my teeth and combing my hair in preparation for bed. As I left the bathroom, I spotted the two individuals down the hallway at an intersection. They didn't seem to notice me so I dispersed back into the bathroom, not wanting to draw attention to myself.

"I am not mad, Robin," said the other Titan. "_Upset_ would be the more accurate description."

Starfire's voice rang like a rusted bell in the corridor. It provoked a sense of pity, especially when Robin heard this. He looked frustrated as well but he was concealing it. He had to be strong for her.

"We shouldn't worry about this now," he tried to comfort her. "Let's just be glad we're home."

"Robin, I am upset that we did not accomplish our goal. We have not spent the time wisely and our days are limited."

"You saw it for yourself, Star. There isn't anything we can do unless we get another lead."

"It brings me shame to know we have missed an opportunity."

"But it's not like there's nothing left we _can _do…"

Starfire deeply sighed, refusing to look up at Robin. I knew right away they were referring to Cinderblock. After all, it was pretty obvious that they've been trying to track him down these past few days. Judging by their discouraged expressions, they still weren't successful in finding any evidence.

"C'mon, Star," he insisted. "You're tired and probably starving. You deserve something to eat."

"Robin," the orange-skinned girl started slowly.

"Yeah?"

She didn't answer right away because she was collecting her courage. It was obviously hard for her to make a personal confession.

"Star, what's wrong?"

"It is about what that woman had said earlier..."

"Who? Her?"

"They are all against me," Starfire continued, almost irritably. "From what I had investigated, she is receiving support from the public. More and more people are agreeing with her, Robin. Why is that?"

"They're only interested in the money," replied Robin. "They couldn't care less about who they blame."

"But have you not heard the horrible things they are saying to me?"

"I know." Robin deeply sighed and recalled a previous incident. "They've said things like that to me too. To everyone..."

"She wanted justice, Robin. I understand that, but I do not understand how this will satisfy everyone."

"It doesn't. It only satisfied themselves. You gotta understand that you did nothing wrong, Starfire. Trust me. We were all scared back there and you managed to save people who would've become victims without your help. That's our job, isn't it?"

Starfire stared down at her hands as she fiddled with them. She spoke cautiously, trying to be concise and not let her emotions fluctuate her speech.

"Cinderblock appeared without a warning. No one knew of the impending trouble, correct?"

"No," Robin answered stiffly. "We had no idea."

"So then Slade was prepared for this."

"You think so?"

"Most definitely," Starfire confirmed. "Although, I do not understand how Slade managed to find us and clear the area."

"That's what got me thinking, too," he agreed. "That's why I was having doubts. It didn't make any sense."

"Slade must have frightened them in some fashion. Everyone would have fled at the scene, even before the crime could be committed."

"But why wouldn't Slade want an audience?" Robin wondered. "And wouldn't something like that attract attention? There weren't any authorities and the Titans East didn't get an alert either. I don't know why Slade is doing this…"

"I do not know either," Starfire whimpered as she watched her fumbling hands. "But it all connects, Robin. You see, they are using these situations against me, and now I must pay a price that has no value."

"You shouldn't worry about what you did back there. You were doing what you thought was right, Starfire, and you were! You saved them because of that. They should be grateful to you."

"And yet they still accuse me of my mistakes…"

Starfire stopped playing with her hands and she let them fall uselessly to her sides. Robin respectfully gave her a couple moments to calm herself. Even from a great distance, I could sense the alien's mental turmoil. She was on the verge of tears and Robin was desperately trying to hush her. I could tell it depressed him to see Starfire cry; if he had been able, there was no doubt that Robin would've taken her pain away and kept it to himself.

"Let's get you something to eat," he said at last. "C'mon. Are you hungry?"

In response, Starfire shrugged in a timid manner, not wanting to speak anymore. Robin reached over and tenderly grasped her fragile hand with his gloved one. Starfire barely reacted so Robin gave her a little tug in the right direction. He gently pulled her away, most likely guiding her back to the Main Ops room with him, and his masked eyes were watching the alien carefully. However, those luminous, green-sclera eyes were trained only on the floor.

They disappeared around the corner together and I didn't emerge until the sound of their footfalls had completely vanished. A pitiful sadness ached in my chest like a tumor, right where my heart was located. Whatever had happened, Starfire didn't deserve any sort of cruelty. I was sure that whatever be the case, she wasn't at fault, and yet she still considered herself the one to accept a punishment. I believed it only made her a better person; if I had been in her place, my reaction would've resulted in absolute anger towards my accuser. I guess that's why I came to idolize each of the Titans in a certain way:

Starfire, for her selflessness when it comes to others in need.

Cyborg, for his confidence in those who lack it.

Robin, for his bravery to lead his friends as a team.

Beast Boy, and his everlasting hope to bring goodness into the world.

They're all different in their own unique way but it's because of their polarity that allows them to function in unison. They both compliment and complete each other. Without one or the other, they would lose not only a part of the team, but a part of themselves as well. That's what made me wonder: what did they lose after I had been diagnosed with amnesia? And if I joined them again, would the team still gain anything from me?

* * *

**Author's Note: **I think you guys can see my writing style in this. I tend to use Stream of Consciousness a lot and I use Psychoanalysis with Raven too, which is why I love writing in first-person (I sound very Modernist). Whenever I do that, I might make the chapters a little smaller. Not because I like to, but sometimes it can be hard to write out Raven's feelings and her thinking-process (but it's also a lot of fun to portray Raven too). And just a reminder, I will be posting on the 12th, the 14th, and then the 19th so I hope that makes you guys happy. Again, thank you so much for reading :)


	25. Darker Shades

**Author's Note: **Alright! I think it's time for this story to kick into gear, don't you think? Now, these next few chapters will hold the "final" events of Book One. Remember, I'm posting on the 14th and then the 19th and that will conclude the first half of _Amnesia. _I'm sorry about the awkward posting. I wish I could post on my First Anniversary but things got mixed up and I'll most likely need that time to write. But luckily, I'm able to get these chapters out to you sooner and today, I could post earlier than usual too :) On to reading!

**A Previous Summary: **After countless attempts, Raven is getting nowhere with the skill. Her frustration and exhaustion only seem to slow her down, no matter how many times she tries to use her powers. Since she's getting tired, Robin agrees to give her some time off, hoping it would help her recover her lost energy. Raven spends her day relaxing at the Tower. She hangs out with Beast Boy for a while, entertained by video games and a delicious lunch, before she decides to bring Cyborg some food. She finds him in the garage, where he is working on what remained of the T-car that had been destroyed by Cinderblock. Raven relaxes some more and the day is mostly uneventful until Robin and Starfire returns from their errands. By accident, she overhears Robin consoling Starfire about an earlier incident, though Raven is confused to what they are referring to. She could only suspect that it is nothing good.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 25: _Darker Shades_

Another two days went by in the same, sluggish manner: I would wake up, eat a few meals throughout the day, spend time relaxing either on my own or with other Titans, shower, and get to bed at a reasonable time. It was Tuesday now and the break had lasted long enough; I needed to keep practicing if I was ever going to learn those skills.

We both knew it was inevitable but I was dreading it. Robin was too so I purposely waited for him to bring it up. When he had entered the Main Ops room that morning, I had gazed at him expectantly. Despite the domino mask concealing his eyes, his expression was both stern and sympathetic. Robin didn't need to say anything for me to understand.

"Same place as usual?" I had asked him and Robin nodded. "I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Take your time, Raven."

A few minutes later, I was back in my room and I was already feeling stressed. I had been predicting for the same, negative results to occur again, as they did every time we had tried it. Nothing much has changed between us either. Robin looked tired too but he spoke to me with inspiration and wisdom.

"We aren't going to rush anything today. It's been a while so you should take it easy."

I had to suppress the urge to roll my eyes. Instead, I inhaled and sighed, trying to alleviate the aching feeling in my chest. My legs folded into the lotus position as I levitated off the floor. Robin pulled up the chair and sat across from me as always.

"Do you want to meditate first before we-?"

"No, it's fine," I answered hurriedly. "We'll just get started right away."

Robin didn't seem comfortable with this but he didn't object. He sat back quietly into his seat and allowed me to proceed.

I chanted my mantra in a hushed tone, dulling my emotions to enable a safe control of my powers. My focus was directed to my astral projection, willing myself to be free. I was surged with energy and by using it, I attempted to detach my soul. I didn't know what I done differently this time, but there was already a significant difference in comparison to all of my other previous attempts. I almost didn't believe it: I knew what it could mean but I refused to jump to conclusions.

By now, I was noticing some peculiar symptoms as my meditation continued and my focus grew deeper. My body temperature plummeted down the scale to a dangerous number and I winced at this mild discomfort. Actually, the more I thought about it, it genuinely felt like I was being peeled away from myself. I was starting to feel lighter as if I was being lifted into the air, however, something seemed to be anchoring me. While my chest rose, my stomach plummeted like a weight. At this, my first instinct was to shut my eyes tighter and urge myself to keep going.

I guess it had been so painstaking slow, my soul emerging one fragment every eternity, that I didn't realize what I had been doing until I had the courage to risk my concentration and open my eyes. When I did, the agonizing weight in my stomach dropped and I was released. Before me, there was a distorted view of Robin shifting anxiously in the chair. My floating, passive body wasn't too far away from him.

_Did I just-?_

I hovered unsteadily in the air for a moment, giving myself time to process. The next feeling I experienced was a sense of euphoria. It showed me a whole new meaning to freedom. My body was weightless, nearly massless. I drifted like an opaque cloud of black mist and it had a faint yet highlighting white aura. My figure had a humane sculpture that often blurred as I tried to move. Yes, I was bendable‒_moldable_ even. I wasn't living nor dead.

I was a dark spirit without a host.

_I did it!_ I exclaimed. _Yes! I-!_

I stopped myself and froze mid-air. My lips weren't moving‒in fact, I appeared to be lacking a mouth‒but my voice echoed like a whisper within a cave. Speaking aloud barely created noise and it didn't seem to disturb anything, no matter how hard I tried; Robin had yet to notice anything.

_There has to be another way to talk with him,_ I told myself. _Speaking like this won't be very effective..._

I used telepathy to contact Robin, who had remained motionless in the chair. It had happened so quickly that Robin was completely unaware of my achievement. I was eager to share the news with him.

_Robin, hey! I think I did it._

The leader of the Titans opened his eyes but he didn't see me right away. He inspected my soulless body, preparing to question me until I called his name again. Robin looked up, clearly surprised to see me flying above his head. He then gave me a wide, approving smile.

"Wow!" he praised me. "Look at ya! That's amazing!"

_Did I do it right?_

"Yeah! I think so. Looks about right..."

I meant to look down at my own hands but I was startled when I saw right through them instead. My body was translucent so I could see past myself, like a tinted glass, and it made everything else beyond it blurry and distorted. Actually, it kind of shocked me so much so that I had to stop myself and put my hands away where I couldn't see them. If I had a heart, it would've been convulsing with fright.

"You should try moving around a bit," Robin told me, noticing my uneasiness. "Everything's gonna be strange so it'll take a while to get used to it. See what you can do!"

Obeying Robin's suggestion, I toyed around with my powers by interacting with whatever I could find in my bedroom. At first, I could only pass through every solid within my contact but if I concentrated hard enough, my astral form could be dense enough to affect anything. At one point, I was holding a jar of sand in one hand and a book in the other as a way of demonstrating to Robin what I could do. He then helped me put them safely away because I was worried about damaging them while in this vulnerable state.

"How does it feel?" the masked boy asked me as he returned to his seat.

_I can't describe it,_ I answered. _It's simply incredible._

"I can imagine."

_I just can't believe I'm doing it, Robin! I'm finally doing it! It's working!_

"And I'm glad to hear it's going well!"

My laugh echoed around my bedroom. I felt like my insanity had been compromised but I had become so candidly happy that I didn't care. I was finally doing it! I was doing something that seemed so impossible and now here I am, and I still have trouble believing it. For all I knew, it could've been a dream because happiness like this is a rarity to me.

Robin gave me some more time practice before he brought up the subject of my confidence. In all honesty, I was pretty comfortable at the moment. It didn't take long for me to get used to the new perspective but I knew Robin had other challenges for me to do.

_I guess I'm kind of nervous,_ I confessed apologetically.

"I can understand that," he replied. "Do you wanna get back into this tomorrow?"

_No, it's fine. Can we talk about it first?_

"Okay. Now, it might get a little tricky here, but as long as you focus like before, you'll be just fine."

_What do I do again exactly?_

"You'll have to...uhh, 'possess' me, really."

_So I just go inside you?_ I inquired through our mental connection.

"Basically. I guess you kinda...step inside me and the rest is up to you."

_I still don't understand why it has to be you, Robin, _I sighed. _Can't I practice on something else before I waltz into your body?_

"There's nothing but me to work with here, Raven. And I'm okay with it. We have a connection, remember? So it'll be easier if you do it on me anyway. Plus, I trust you, Raven. You should put some trust in yourself too."

_But I still don't know how I'm supposed to do it. I don't understand how exactly to possess someone or even where to start..._

"It's probably going to take a while to get the hang of it. You'll hafta experiment a bit."

The idea seemed very empowering. Dictating an individual's actions against their free will was against my morals. If used incorrectly, this could be considered a form of torture and abuse, like a skill that only a psychopath would want to perform. Manipulating victims wasn't an ability that I wanted to perfect, especially if I were doing it to one of the Titans. Also, I feared the thought of being the victim of possession: how could I do something like that to another person?

_I don't know, _I told Robin. _I'm kind of stuck on what to do..._

"Raven, I want to help you," Robin insisted. "This is about getting better, right?"

_Well, yeah..._

"You've DONE this before, Raven, and you shouldn't forget a valuable skill like that. It's come in handy plenty of times and believe me; you'll be relieved when this is over. We just gotta finish this and then you're done. I promise."

I knew what Robin had meant. After all, I did what I wanted to do: I've stressed about doing this for ages now! I stressed about waiting until tomorrow and not being able to replicate these results again. We had both gone through so much already and I didn't want to stop just yet: it was the idea of actually possessing someone that made me want to stop.

"It's all about taking risks," Robin added. "You can't learn if you don't something you haven't done before."

Robin did have a point. After all, it directly associates with my amnesia. If connecting to the past is our plan to cure my amnesia, then I would have to learn about possession and the other more powerful forms of my dark energy. I would have to meet the dangers of my abilities.

I didn't want to admit it though; possessing Robin was strictly against my nature. However, I didn't need to flip the coin to know the truth: obviously, a part of me saw this as an opportunity and wanted to take advantage of it. I had been resisting these devious thoughts, scolding myself that possession should only be used in either emergencies or dire scenarios. Besides, I shouldn't be playing with this kind of necromancy. A mistake could lead to calamitous consequences.

This skill came straight out of a fantasy novel and it matches against God's divine powers. Could I really sustain that much force and what could I do with that much control?

_Any other advice?_ I asked weakly.

"The whole idea is to be swift and quick. It's not about overpowering me. Think of it more like _influencing _me."

I nodded at that: _Okay._

"Like I said, take your time, Raven. This isn't something that can be done right away. It might take more than a few tries before it actually works."

_Okay, I think I got it now. I understand._

"When you think you're ready, go for it, okay? This is _your _power, not mine. You do what you need to do to get there."

_I'll do my best._

Robin reclined himself into the chair and I hovered right in front of him. He gave an encouraging look through his mask before he shut his eyes, anticipating my next move. I extended my hand towards him, not wanting to rush the delicate process. My translucent fingers had only grazed his arm for an instant but there was enough evidence to suggest a significant difference.

I was greeted by a pleasant sensation, both thrilling and comforting. Robin's skin was emitting the warmth that my soul-self lacked and the simple gesture brought me to a great catharsis, but the feeling wasn't negative at all. It was enough to make me swoon and I realized how badly I needed it. I suddenly remembered how cold I felt and by reaching out for Robin, I regained the warmth that was left behind in my hollow cocoon of skin. However, the masked leader of the Titans had a more conflicting reaction.

My touch seemed to harm him in some way because he flinched at my contact. Immediately, I recoiled my hand, but as soon as I pulled away, I almost regretted it. The fervor vanished without a trace, causing me to feel disoriented. I felt like a patient whose body is recovering from the influence of morphine. They didn't want it to stop. They only wanted more of it‒they wanted to continue to experience the dubious euphoria of the drugs, even though they were aware that the emotion was false. That addicting warmth through Robin's body was enough to startle me but I was able to stop myself when I noticed his discomfort. Robin peeked an eye open through his mask.

"Hey. Everything alright, Raven?"

_Yeah, _I stammered, almost breathlessly. _Yeah, I'm fine. What about you? Did I do something wrong?_

"I just got the chills," he assured me, forcing a little laugh. "But I'm all good now."

Although training like this was routine, Robin was acting differently than he normally did. He was tense, as if expecting pain, and his heart was quaking with both excitement and terror. I could already sense his anxiety, which made me suspicious.

_Alright. I guess I'll go on now...if nothing's wrong._

"Sounds good."

_I'll do a little countdown and then I'll go in. Is that okay?_

"Alright," he chuckled lightly. "Whatever helps."

I started from five and worked my way down the scale slowly. Robin inhaled deeply and braced himself for the impact. I hesitated for a moment but eventually forced myself to continue. And with that, my soul melted into Robin's body.

* * *

All at once, the freedom vanished. Whatever independence I felt from outside my physical body was now long gone. It had been replaced by a warm, claustrophobic environment. It was almost too overwhelming for me to handle. As I tried to make sense among the haze and confusion, I could sense that Robin was reacting as well.

The masked leader was sitting rather firmly in the chair. He hunched over his constricted stomach and he gripped the armrests with white-knuckled hands hidden beneath gloves. His arched back shuddered quite often and an aching moan was released through his clenched teeth. I didn't need to use my empathy to know the level of pain he was experiencing.

_Robin._

He didn't answer at first. I assumed the discomfort distracted him so I had to direct his focus towards me.

_Robin, hey! I think I'm in. Can you hear me?_

_Yeah,_ he thought. _I feel you too._

I could hear his thoughts as I was doing this. Our minds were connecting and our souls were conforming as well. Robin's soul was trying to manifest through his body again, excluding me in the process. To counter this, I forced my way back inside, knowing that I couldn't let it take control if I was ever going to successfully possess someone. In response, Robin expelled a violent yelp.

_Sorry! _I cried. _I didn't mean to do that!_

_I know I know. It's okay. Just do what you have to do…_

I didn't think I was doing it correctly at all and this made me panic. To appease him, I tried shifting my position, thinking I needed to furnish more space within his body. Adjusting myself seemed to pain him more so I did my best to ease around as slowly as possible.

_Keep going, Raven. Hurry!_

Robin never wanted to be rude to me and yet he was was becoming impatient. His irritability was evident. I tried being gentle but no matter what I did, Robin's soul was fighting back. I knew it was his immunity's instinct; Robin couldn't stop himself from struggling so I would have to find a way to stop it myself. After all, that was the main idea behind possession.

_C'MON. You're getting closer…I can feel it._

I pushed against Robin's soul and the aftermath was Robin's violent outburst. I continued to apply pressure, keeping it in place, while Robin calmed himself. For a moment, it seemed to be working and I was hopeful again.

_How about now? Is that any better?_

There was a painfully-long pause. Every other second, the silence was punctuated by hoarse grunts. Robin seemed to be furious due to his levels of adrenalin and his flushed face, but he had been resisting the urge to mention it.

_Robin? _I prodded.

_Yeah, I know! You're...still...no..._

He paused again. I was inside Robin for what seemed like a few minutes, but Robin felt like it had been a few centuries. The masked boy was quivering under the strain of my being and his muscles were beginning to give out. That kind of response wasn't natural.

The Titan cursed under his breath. He had been trying to conceal his pain‒not very well‒but by now, it had become unbearable. The longer I was within him, the more intense the pain would become. It was enough to bring tears to his masked eyes. His stifled groans had dissolved into the sounds of inhumane torture. I didn't think anyone could ever make those kind of haunting noises and now I had become the cause of them.

Robin couldn't handle it anymore.

_Get out, _he hissed harshly.

_What?_

_Go, Raven! Get out of me!_

_Now?_

Robin couldn't answer. He brought a hand to his chest, right on the spot where ours souls were tangling into a mess for dominance. Then he gagged, which only made him crunch forward. It looked appeared as though he was both suffocating and having a heart attack‒a deadly combination. However, I knew this problem would surface.

Robin was resisting and that only meant I was getting closer to success. I would have to try harder, even if Robin was demanding for me to stop. He had warned me about this earlier. This wouldn't be an easy victory and I had to go beyond our limits to accomplish it. Robin failed to mention how he would endure during the process, though I was positive that was his intention. Now that it's happening, I have to be the one to keep going. I couldn't take Robin's orders anymore.

This was up to me and my willpower.

_Look, Robin, _I counseled firmly. _I'm going to keep going. Give me another minute and it'll all be over._

"No!" Robin grunted and I was surprised to hear him verbally speaking. "Stop what you're doing and get out now. You need to go!"

_I have to keep going if this will ever work._

He was fiercely shaking his head: "No! No, you're just making it worse! Please stop!"

_I swear I'm almost done._

"It's not working so stop! Please!"

_We're so close. I can do it if you let me..._

"No!"

_Just one minute-_

"GET OUT OF ME! NOW!"

Oxygenated air surged into my lungs and my eyes flicked open. As my soul reconnected with my body, Robin's constricted muscles instantaneously became languid. As he teetered on the edge of unconsciousness, his weight leaned too heavily forward and he lost balance. Robin tumbled from the chair and collapsed onto the floor without a struggle.

"Robin!"

I skidded onto the floor and rolled him onto his back. Robin didn't put up any resistance to me. His head rolled to the side and his mouth was slightly parted, as if he had tried to inhale before he passed out. My fumbling fingers searched for a pulse on his neck. I tapped into my empathetic abilities, seeking for signs of life, but nothing could be found. According to my powers, his body lacked a vital element: his own soul.

_No..._

"Robin," I called to him, urging the limp body to react. "Can you hear me? Robin. ROBIN. Oh Azar. Wake up. Wake up, Robin!"

I was desperate for an answer and the Titan couldn't provide one.

He had no pulse.

He wasn't breathing.

There wasn't anything that my powers could heal.

_What have I done? _The gears in my mind were cranking but they were malfunctioning as well. _Oh Azar, what have I done?!_

From his belt, I spotted his T-Communicator. I fumbled to flip it open and then I dialed onto a line where I could contact every Titan at once. Cyborg was the first to answer.

"Hey Rob- Raven? Is that you?"

I didn't know how else to explain the news; "Robin's down," I blurted.

"What?" Starfire demanded, joining the conversation. "ROBIN?"

"He's unconscious and I don't know what to do," I cried helplessly. "He's out cold and he's not waking up. I need help!"

"Where's he at?" Beast Boy asked. "We're coming now."

"My room. We're in there. Please hurry…"

Everyone signed off at once, leaving me in a dead, stagnant silence. I dropped the device and it clattered to the floor, along with stray tears.

* * *

I opened a portal to the Infirmary, allowing Cyborg to easily transport Robin to an unoccupied gurney. He had been previously trained to use CPR in these kind of situations and now that Robin was down, the mechanical man was prepared to take the leadership role. Beast Boy was ordered to retrieve the AED from the nearby closet. Starfire first removed Robin's utility belt and then started to cut away Robin's traffic-colored shirt so his bare chest was accessible. Meanwhile, Robin's life sustained only by Cyborg's breaths and compressions.

It took three electric shocks from the AED before Robin's heart regained a steady tempo. However, he remained unconscious. Cyborg performed an assessment and declared that he was alive, but Robin would need additional assistance from machines if he were to stay that way. Starfire prepared the gated bed for Robin by attaching his body with all of the medical equipment, like what they did to me when I was in a coma. Beast Boy helped Cyborg clean the scene while I healed the broken bones in Robin's torso, caused by the chest compressions that Cyborg had enforced. The alien watched mournfully as a blue energy radiated from my hands.

"Oh Robin," she sniffed, her green eyes igniting with tears.

She sank to her knees beside the gurney and grabbed his gloved hand, bringing it to her lips. Starfire anxiously observed his stoic expression, as if expecting him to awake at any moment. The longer she waited, the more tears that fell from her face.

When I had finished healing, I silently exited the room. I was halfway down the hall, heading towards the stairwell, when Beast Boy ran up from behind me.

"Raven," he pleaded.

I didn't answer at first. In fact, I didn't stop either until he shouted my name again. We were both surprised by how gravelly my voice had become.

"It was my fault," I whispered. "It was all my fault."

"What happened back there?"

"I messed up, Beast Boy. We were practicing and I thought we were safe. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't mean to do what I had done, but Robin almost died because of me."

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Beast Boy chided me.

"I told him that I couldn't do it. I was doubting myself and it was because of that Robin's in there, barely alive. I-"

"Robin knew what he was doing," the green changeling said, interrupting my woeful cries. "And he knows you didn't mean it."

"You don't understand! I could've practiced on something easier, Beast Boy! I didn't need to do that and I didn't want to hurt him! And now I did, and Robin got hurt because of it."

"Robin'll pull through; he always does. Cy says it shouldn't be too long before he wakes up..."

"But if I hadn't done that, we wouldn't be in this mess, okay? I did this to him! It was my fault he's hurt!"

Beast Boy reached over and placed a hand on my shoulder, giving me a reassuring squeeze. I knew what he was trying to do, so I excused myself before Beast Boy could console me.

"I have to meditate," I uttered quickly, striding to the stairwell.

"I'll come with you."

At this, I started walking faster. I thought the stairs would be an easier escape because Beast Boy would trouble keeping up with me. If I had taken the elevator, Beast Boy would have stopped the doors from closing and refused to step out of the way. It was obvious he was going to chase me down.

"Raven, stop! I'm coming with you…"

"No!"

I held up a threatening hand to cease his travel. Beast Boy nearly skidded to a halt because he was preparing to run after me. Now, he was wincing. I could see the hurt flashing through his emerald eyes like lightning during a miserable storm.

"I want to help you, Rae," he pleaded, cautious of his choices. "Please. Let me help..."

Tears were welling in my eyes and I blinked furiously to dispose of them. My throat felt constricted. I had to force the words out of me.

"I need to be alone."

"Raven-"

"No. I can't…"

"Raven!"

Before he could protest, I teleported into my room through a portal that quickly vanished without a trace. All at once, I crumpled onto my bed and buried my contorted face into a mass of pillows. Despite my attempts, my muffled cries could be heard throughout the entire Tower.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thanks again for reading! As always, I appreciate everybody's input :)


	26. Hell is where it's Warmest

**Author's Note: **As promised, I'm posting today to celebrate the First Anniversary of _Amnesia _(even though it's supposed to be on the 29th. Oops…) Okay I'm really sorry but I need to take time to thank you guys again. This one idea that I randomly got while taking a shower turned out to be one of the things that I am most proud of. _Amnesia _is more than a story to me; it was something to focus on and something to keep me occupied. I took this as a responsibility in a way and hearing everyone's kind responses on it just thrills me. All I can say is thank you :) Enjoy!

**A Previous Summary: **For the very first time, Raven can finally emerge from her body as a soul. She's overjoyed by the accomplishment and she takes pleasure into toying around with this new ability. Robin is absolutely proud of Raven and after observing her practice this new skill, he believes she's ready to possess him. Secretly, Robin knew it would be a challenge, but he urged her that it was necessary, whether or not they tried it today or the next. Fearing she would never get another chance, Raven accepts and then enters Robin. In a few minutes, Robin is doubled over in pain. Raven is trying to take control but she's only hurting Robin even more. When he tells her stop, Raven disobeys, and once she is forced back into to her body, she discovers that Robin's body is missing something: his own soul. Now unconscious and recently rescued from death, Robin is put into the Infirmary and Raven is too distraught to do anything else but hide in her room and cry.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 26: _Hell is where it's Warmest_

Outside my grand window, the sun began its ascent into the sky. Its journey was going to be long, but it seemed auspicious. Uneventful weather and the scarce atmosphere would make the trek easier. The sun promised me another, routine day of light and life. If only I had the inspiration to regard these gifts.

I had been watching these things with a dull stare. My pupils never reacted to the luminosity of the sun and I rarely blinked; when I did, it took a lifetime for me to do so. I inhaled deeply and sighed as a way of arousing myself. I then sat up, flipped over, and collapsed into another position on the bed, my head turned away from the window.

Today marked the second day I had spent isolated in my room. I felt like I had been entombed in my bedsheets for ages, finding the confinement that I desperately needed. Only once did I leave the comfort of my bed and it lasted for merely a minute‒just enough time for me to sneak in and out of the bathroom.

Considering the amount of time spent in my bedroom, it would be valid to assume that I had slept for a majority of my isolation. The truth is, however, I barely slept at all. The moment I shut my eyes, I was plagued with the horrific hallucinations I thought had vanished ages ago. There was no contentment in slumber. The obscurity behind my lids only triggered the thoughts and memories I feared the most and for that, I refrained myself from falling asleep.

I fought the boredom tooth and nail. Swaddled in my bedsheets, I scoured the mystical texts from my personal library, accompanied only by diminishing moonlight. It took a few hours but at last, I did find a spell would keep me awake. This morning was a huge milestone: I had been awake for nearly 23 hours straight and I was willing to continue this dangerous trend.

Just then, I was alerted to an aching sensation in my head. The pain wasn't too prominent but if left unadvised, it would become a significant irritant. I knew right away what had caused it. This instance has happened numerous times already.

I closed my eyes and winced: "I don't want to hear it."

The biggest concern of mine during these prolonged hours had been my Emoticlones. They were contacting me quite often to assess my emotional state, which only infuriated me. In the end, they would respectfully retreat and allow themselves to be suppressed, but I knew that deep within Nevermore, a poignant storm was brewing.

_Raven, please…_

"I told you, Wisdom. I'm not ready for it."

_You cannot waste away your precious time. We need to figure out what we may do._

"There is nothing _to _do."

_I am sure there is something that can be done, but you must listen to us. Please..._

My throat was already beginning to swell shut and my diaphragm jumped with each inhale. No matter how hard I squeezed my eyes, tears managed to slip through and dribble down my face. My other Emoticlones didn't know what to say.

_Raven._

"I can't," I rasped, pushing my face into the thick sheets. "I can't. I can't do anything. I've made things worse, Wisdom; I can't do it again. I- I just can't…"

For a while, I wept as quietly as I could. I curled into a ball and pressed the blankets into my face as a vain attempt to staunch my tears. My eyes were itchy and my nose leaked but I didn't bother to wipe away any of the accumulating moisture. There didn't seem to be a motivating reason anyway; only more would appear as a replacement.

A couple of light taps echoed against my door without warning, produced by a fist of metal. I sniffed and hugged the blankets tighter, praying for the unexpected caller to depart as soon as they had arrived. I guess my laments were louder than I had assumed.

"Raven?"

I refused to answer.

"Hey, it's Cy again. Ya still in there?"

Cyborg was smart enough to know I wouldn't respond. It was his fifth visit over the span of my seclusion so he obviously understood the trend. He knocked again, slightly louder this time.

"Raven, I'm coming in so don't be alarmed."

I pulled the covers over my head as the door split apart. Cyborg's uninvited footsteps entered my bedroom, against my discreet objection, and they stopped at the base of my circular mattress. Hiding beneath bedsheets wasn't the best idea to evade a conversation.

"Hey. Ya doing okay?"

I groaned beneath the blankets as an indirect way of telling Cyborg that I didn't want to converse. I then rolled onto my side and put my back between us.

"Still not talking, huh? Yeah," he sighed. "I get it."

I was suddenly aware of how child-like I had become. Disobedient kids would run and hide from their parents to avoid being reprimanded. In most cases, coaxing a kid out of hiding could take ages if it isn't done properly. Cyborg was being very cautious with his words because he knew it could be difficult for me to manage my emotions. That doesn't mean I appreciated his efforts to satisfy me.

"Well, I brought ya some food," he went on. "You haven't eaten anything for two days and I thought you'd be craving toast and tea. It'll still be hot and fresh if it's eaten now…"

"Cyborg please…"

I frantically pawed away the filth from my face before I emerged from the heap of comforters. Sure enough, Cyborg was at the foot of the bed, presenting a neat and orderly tray of breakfast. I already could smell the pungent aroma of the herbal tea and the fresh pieces of toast lathered in butter. That very scent made my stomach feel weak.

"I'm not in the mood to talk," I emphasized delicately.

"If you don't wanna talk, then that's fine. No problem. We can give it some more time, but you should eat. Here, take something."

He held out the tray to me and I shook my head, quite forcefully. Despite my frustration, the mechanical man gave me a reassuring smile.

"Maybe something in your stomach will help ya feel better…"

"No!" I insisted. "Stop bringing me food!"

"I'm not gonna stop until you eat," he said, almost jokingly.

"I don't want it. Take it back."

"Then I'll make ya something else: what are ya hungry for? Pizza? Some pasta? We got leftovers in the fridge too so make up your mind!"

"I'm asking you to leave me alone," I clarified. "I don't want anything. I just want to be alone."

"Alright," Cyborg started, becoming serious. "This has gone on long enough, Raven. We've been nice about this and we gave you space but we can't keep this up forever. You need to eat something."

I looked away, trying to conceal the urge to cry. Cyborg stiffened at this. He obviously didn't mean to upset me and I knew that. I just didn't want to hear other people's opinions because I knew they would contradict mine. It still pained me to reject his friendly gestures, even though I told myself it was necessary to avoid a dreaded argument. If I told him anything that had wandered into my mind over these past two days, I would never be left alone ever again. My thoughts were meant to be kept to myself and that's exactly what I planned to do.

It would take a miracle for me to be persuaded.

"Don't you think so?" he pressed on.

"Robin's the one you should be worrying about," I blurted.

"And why's that?"

"Look at him! Don't you see? Robin's in intensive care, Cyborg, and he's not waking up!"

"That doesn't mean we're gonna ignore ya," the mechanical man responded, almost surprised.

"Why do I matter when Robin could be dead for all we know? I'm not nearly as important as him right now!"

"Well I'm worried about the both of ya," said Cyborg, setting down the tray on my bed. "C'mon. Do you really think Robin wants you to starve yourself?"

"I'm not doing it for him," I muttered as I turned away.

"What? You think you don't _deserve_ to eat?"

I didn't answer.

"Raven, if you don't eat, you'll _be_ in the bed right next to Robin. You can't go much longer like this."

"Maybe it's what I deserve," I whispered and Cyborg reeled when he heard this.

"No, it's not. You don't deserve that. Nobody does."

He was giving me this hard, stern look, demanding for me to see him, but didn't dare to turn my head. I kept myself busy by staring out the window, pointlessly gazing into the bay and watching the wind ripple the ocean. If I looked anywhere else, I would've broken down into tears and I wasn't going to let Cyborg see me like that.

"Look, you're not helping anyone by doing that, Raven, and you know it. Nothing good comes out of it and it's not gonna make Robin feel any better either. How would you feel if we were starving ourselves while you were in a coma, huh? Would _you _feel good about yourself?"

"And why didn't you?" I countered dismissively.

"Because we knew you would need us when you woke up. You oughta return the favor."

Cyborg left the room without another word. I waited for the door to close but I didn't hear him walk away. My eyes ignited with fury and I launched the tray across the room with the sweep of my hand. It crashed against my closet door, scattering its contents all over the floor. A few moments later, Cyborg's disappointed footsteps retreated down the hallway.

The first thing I experienced was regret. I fell back onto my bed and started to weep all over again. The fragrance of the herbal tea seemed to morph into an awful stench. It was strong enough to stimulate my mind and it only reminded me of my rueful actions. That sweet, vanilla scent‒the one that I had loved so much‒now served as a bitter memento of my anger. I had to clasp a hand over my nose and mouth to evade the horrid odor.

_Raven._

I ran my hand across my face and sniffed: "What do _you _want?" I snarled.

_He is correct._

"What?"

_Cyborg has a point. You should not be doing this, Raven._

A huge reason why I could be so conflicted with myself is largely due to the individual sides of my diverse personality. My Emoticlones should never be consulted unless they are confidently suppressed. They each have their own feelings, opinions, and voices; none of them can compare with the others and they rarely comply. When they do, there are disastrous results, especially towards me.

Blankets were torn away so I could jump off the bed. My nightstand drawer was thrown open and I shoved aside crumpled papers, empty vials, and a stale, red piece of candy so I could reach the mirror. I hastily constructed the ring of sand, nearly breaking the glass flask in the process, and lit the candles. I demanded Wisdom to reveal herself and the yellow eyes appeared moments later within the smoggy glass.

"Raven, please don't-"

"Don't play innocent," I barked at the mystical beauty tool. "You knew what you were doing. You started this."

"No. I did not mean to upset you."

I cackled out loud: "Sure you didn't! And I'm sure that nobody else meant anything they said either!"

"Then what _do_ you want us to say, Raven?" challenged Rude.

"Maybe some sympathy would help," I replied sarcastically. "Or words of advice? Wisdom?"

"What is done cannot be undone," she answered quite hesitantly. "And now you must accept the outcome."

"I must agree with Wisdom too."

"Why?" I cried to Affection.

"Because it was your choice and not ours," she explained. "I would never have done that so why did you?"

"But why am I the only one getting beat up here? What did I do to you guys?"

"It is not about what you did to us-"

"-it's what you did to the Titans," Rude finished firmly.

This stopped me for a good moment. It never occurred to me that my Emoticlones were upset about what happened‒they were upset about my actions. I wronged them after I ignored my instincts and they all seemed to believe my painful laments were a punishment that I deserved. Very few dared to speak but none of them supported me as Rude started to list my mistakes.

"You ignored us, tried possessing Robin, and sent him into the Infirmary without a beating heart. Now he's comatose and you're out of control."

"Out of control?" I repeated.

"You're going to tear this world apart with your anger. If you don't get a grip, you'll doom everyone, including us."

I was stricken with horror. All of my Emoticlones, it had seemed, were turned against me. Although some were more verbal than others, they all universally agreed that it was my fault‒_everything_ had been my fault. I didn't think it was possible. How could they anyway? Wisdom, Rude, Affection; they were all _me_, part of me that were divided and isolated to form a specific trait of my personality. They are who I am, and if they all feel this way, then why do I feel different from them? How can I contradict myself like this?

"I- I can't be blamed for this."

"Those aren't mistakes, Raven," continued Rude. "Those were the choices you made. You _chose_ to ignore us. You _chose_ to possess Robin, even after he was begging for mercy. This isn't something you can apologize for. You meant to do all of those things and not owning up to those bad choices doesn't make your situation any better."

"Do you really think I meant to hurt Robin?!" I exploded. "That was the last thing I ever wanted to do!"

"Then why did you not stop?" Wisdom questioned me.

"I don't know."

"Why did you continue to let him suffer, Raven?"

"I said I don't know! I just thought I could do it and…" I paused a moment to catch my breath. "I knew he was in pain, alright? I knew that but I didn't think it would last that long. I thought I could heal him after I was done and I thought pain was natural during possession…"

"-only if it isn't done correctly," Affection interjected.

"I know. But now it's too late. Robin's in there, barely alive, and it's because of me. You guys were right, okay? I should've listened to you, but how am I supposed to make up for this?"

Even Rude grew quiet.

"There's _nothing_ I can do," I went on. "I can't heal him. He's not awake. I can't do anything. I'm useless. I've always been useless…"

"It seems to be a regular thing, huh?"

I looked down as the mirror changed again and was surprised to see Timid appear. Violent thunderstorms were trapped within her eyes and they reflected all of my regrets, as well as my sorrows. I visibly softened at the sight of her.

"Yeah," I breathed woefully. "I guess it is." Then I shook my head. "But I can't let that get to me."

I was thankful when Timid agreed. Although she still believed in these accusations, she had the courage to sympathize with me, which was unlike her character.

"People do strange things for love," she said thoughtfully. "Think of what the Titans have done for you‒for all of us. Was that not out of love?"

"No," I answered. "Love or not, the Titans have been through so much for me."

"Then what can you do?" Affection prodded me.

"I can't do anything."

"After all they did for you, you are going to do nothing in return?"

"How am I supposed to repay them?" I argued. "I can't ever make up for what they did for me. There's nothing worth more than the time I spent here."

"And that kind of debt shouldn't be forgotten."

Brave stepped up to speak: "Gears shouldn't be cranking like that, Raven."

I muttered a reply. I could now sense them exchanging puzzled glances in Nevermore. Despite their anticipation, Wisdom, their educated leader, wasn't the one who broke the brooding silence.

_You know what has to be done._

I deeply sighed, unable to confess.

_You cannot afford to make another mistake, but you must decide this fate of yours._

"It's true," I said aloud. "I am a burden to them."

My voice rose with passion and the words started to accelerate out of my mouth.

"They've fed me, clothed me, and gave me a room; I treated them horribly for weeks and they responded with the kindness I never deserved."

My Emoticlones were becoming antsy in Nevermore. The more I spoke the truth, the more restless they became.

"I didn't believe them‒I still don't know if I believe them‒but it makes sense, right? And it's not like I don't like them. After everything, how can I not appreciate everything they did? Cyborg still comes by to feed me! I would be nowhere without Starfire and Robin's training, and Beast Boy?" I laughed softly. "I don't know. Maybe it was his humor, or those stupid jokes of his, or his toothy smile...maybe it was Beast Boy who taught me to like the Titans in the first place."

I paused to calm myself. My eyes were watering as I spoke and I took a moment to smear the tears away. Coming out like this seemed to brighten my thoughts. What the Titans meant to me was as clear as day.

"Maybe...the best thing for me is also the best thing for them."

And it pained me to admit it.

_So then you can't do that._

"No," I confirmed. "I can't."

_Then what are you waiting for?_

* * *

I criticized myself when I felt my heart convulsing with distress and the nauseating sensation it aggravated in my stomach. There is no value in hesitation. I had turned my mind over dozens of times and my Emoticlones finally agreed with me. Now, I was starting to question it again and it was a dangerous topic to discuss.

_I'm going to solve my problems,_ I thought. _My fate with the Titans will change. Everything is going to get better. I'm going to make things right._

But there was no relief. There was no satisfaction. It was something that just had to be done. There would be no rewards or support either. Why would there be anyway? My choices were obvious.

I forced a deep inhale and the breath rattled in my lungs. A strap dug deeply into my shoulder and none of the pressure could be relieved, no matter how many times I adjusted it. Now is the time, the climax of what little of my life I remember. This is what I'm going to be memorialized for. I fought myself for ages and now I'm achieving something even a hero would have trouble doing.

So I pushed off the roof of the Tower and had no intentions of turning back.

* * *

**Author's Note: **You'll notice right away that this chapter is visibly shorter but please don't be upset. The next chapter will come soon enough, just as promised :) I'll be posting promptly this Sunday! See ya!


	27. Finding My Way

**Author's Note: **No time to talk! It's Chapter 27! Let's get going!

**A Previous Summary:** Depression is no stranger to Raven. After hurting Robin, she can't find the courage to go about on her normal business. For all the Titans know, Robin may be damaged beyond repair. Although Raven lost her motivation, the others haven't. Cyborg frequently visits with food, which only seems to infuriate Raven. She even goes as far as destroying what little kindness that was given to her. The Emoticlones in Nevermore aren't helping her either. They all agree that Raven's "mistake" can never be forgiven and when Raven asks for their help, they aren't able to. The only Emoticlone that dares to sympathize with Raven is Timid. Raven can't afford to make anymore mistakes and her risks are running higher as time passes. However, Raven's selfless goal may require a selfish solution.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 27: _Finding My Way_

Soaring into the prevailing twilight proved to more daunting and thrilling than I had predicted. Along with my bag, the only other thing I carried was a light jacket and it didn't serve me properly against the chilling temperature. My eyes had to adjust severely because of the absence of moonlight, which made it more difficult to see my surroundings. The sky was blockaded by a huge mass of thunderheads. Both dense and thick, only glimpses of the celestial body and its brilliance could be recognized on rare occasions. The maritime winds were fierce as well. I happened to be traveling against it and its resistance left me feeling cold and breathless.

These were perfect conditions for a storm.

In the distance, a bird, perhaps a seagull, squawked into the night. A few moments afterwards, I paused so I could admire the aerial view. An eerie silence had encompassed Jump City over the sheets of darkness. Ample sources of light twinkled from the buildings and the streets were dormant of vehicles. Below me, the ocean slept and each snore caused the waves to break and roll onto the glossy beaches. As beautiful as it appeared, I didn't want to head into the city because I knew it was a danger. I could be spotted easily, even though a majority of the residents would be asleep, so I decided to follow the coast.

My final destination was unknown, but as long as it was far enough away from Titans Tower and the memories that reside there, all should be well.

All _should_ be well.

I heard the same bird cry again and this time, it sounded closer. I instinctively started to seek for it. When I gazed around me, I spotted the animal, flying on a lower plane than me but heading in the relative direction. I don't know why but I stopped to watch it. It was difficult to interpret the animal at this time of night because nearly all light had been masked by a layer of clouds. One moonbeam had penetrated the cover and the bird flew right through it with great speed. It was just a flash of pigment, but I recognized it immediately.

I whirled around and started off again, clutching my bag for security. The bird squawked at me again and I could sense its wings flapping furiously to keep up. I wasn't exactly experienced at flying and being over five stories in the air, hovering above the ocean during nighttime, seemed like a nightmare. The bird caught up to me in seconds and the chase was over. I was utterly humiliated.

"No," I told the bird, who I could now identify as a hawk. "Go away."

The green hawk soared in circles around me, unable to find a perch to land. It kept calling out to me in a language I couldn't interpret.

"I didn't want you to come after me. Go back to the Tower!"

Although I understood its motive, there was no use arguing. I tried flying away again and the bird would merely swerve in my way and prevent me from going another yard in any direction. I refused to attack it, even though that was the only other option I had for distracting it. The hawk seemed to be squawking louder and louder the longer I waited and I suddenly imagined someone in the city waking up and looking out their window to investigate the strange noises. I had no other choice.

"Fine," I said at last. "You got two minutes."

My hand was encased in dark energy and below the green bird, who had been struggling to continue its flight, a black disc formed and allowed it to land. The dark energy encircling my hand subsided while the round platform remained, only the concentration in my mind sustaining it, just like Starfire had taught me. Beast Boy morphed, looking around to ensure the surface was safe before he stood. He was going to address me, but I interrupted him.

"How did you know where to find me?"

"You always loved the view at the top of the Tower," he said, still trying to catch his breath. "The roof was the first place I looked."

"So you were spying on me?"

"No but I knew something was up. As soon as Cyborg came back, I had a feeling in my gut about what you were gonna do. I just didn't know when."

I stared away from Beast Boy, not wanting to share eye-contact: "You shouldn't have come after me."

"You can't run away like that."

"I know what I'm doing."

"No. You can't do that, Raven."

"Who are you to tell me otherwise?" I shot back.

"I'm only telling you that running away isn't the answer. It has nothing to do about-"

Beast Boy didn't finish his sentence but I knew what he implied.

"I don't remember any of it," I said. "Nothing has happened for a long time now. I'm not getting any better as the days go by. There's nothing, no action, going on and I decided to do something about it and I can't have you guys there. You need to leave me. I'm going alone."

"I don't believe it," Beast Boy claimed, his words slightly choked. "I'm not going to give up this easily. I'm not stopping until your memory is back."

"Who says its going to come back?!" I argued.

"But what if it _does_ come back, huh? Won't you be sorry? If you 'start over' and you suddenly remember again, you'll be mad at yourself for that stupid decision you made. Then you'll have an entirely new problem!"

"But I'm not going to just sit in that Tower either, praying for a miracle that may never happen!"

"That doesn't mean you give up..."

"I'm NOT giving up. I'm moving on!"

"That's quitting. You're quitting on yourself and on us and you know it. Don't you get it? Without our help, you would've been lost and confused. You didn't even know your name! We did all of this for you and you're throwing us away!"

"I've thought about it for a long time, Beast Boy," I explained. "It was a hard decision, but I think it's best. You're right; you helped a lot, but all that I've been doing was causing trouble and putting stress on all of you. I'm a burden to everyone and I know it. It would be better if I left..."

"Nothing would be better if you left, Raven. Everyone would feel terrible about it. No one would be the same again."

"Leaving would give _everyone _a chance to start over. Don't we all deserve that after everything?"

"Who said I wanted to start over?"

I stopped myself from answering. There was no way I could say something cruel to him.

"I won't watch you leave us," Beast Boy declared. "I won't let you."

"You're not telling me what to do," I told the green changeling. "Now I've had enough. I'm done arguing."

"You have no idea what you're doing here, Raven!"

"Go," I said stiffly. "Get out of here before I drop you."

"I'm not going anywhere without you."

"Get off of it! Go!"

"You won't drop me," he said.

"Don't push me," I warned him but I knew I wasn't convincing. "Now go."

"We're here, five stores above the ocean, in the middle of the night, and you're trying to run away from us again. What the heck do you want me to say, Raven?"

"Nothing! Don't you get it?" I cried. "I don't care anymore. I don't want to hear what you have to say! I've asked about it for weeks‒months, even‒and I've given up. Why _should _I care about my past if you guys don't care enough to tell me?"

"Raven we _can't _tell you this. Haven't I stressed that enough to you?!"

"It's not coming back‒it's _never _going to come back‒and you're doing NOTHING to help me!"

"Nothing?" Beast Boy repeated in a threatening voice. "We've done _nothing _for you?!"

I felt my heart plummet into the ocean and it sank like a rock into the depths below. This time, I knew I could never make up for the loss.

"Raven, that's _all_ that we've been doing. Every little thing we've done was _because _of you. We gave you food that you rejected. We taught you how to control yourself. We took you out into the city, nearly costing your life, and we've chased you around the Tower for miles. It didn't matter how _we_ felt‒it was only what you wanted and most of the time, you didn't even look grateful for anything! Look at where you are now! You're _still_ acting like a spoiled brat and we're _still_ going after you. It's like we're the only ones that actually care for your sake!"

Beast Boy had every reason to yell at me, and I let it happen. He didn't stop until he screamed himself dry and his face was inflamed. Even then, I was afraid to speak.

"Now you understand…"

Beast Boy calmed down as soon as my voice cracked.

"Now you understand why I have to go."

It was Beast Boy's turn to look regretful.

"You were right about me," I went on. "About everything."

"Raven, that's not what I meant. I wasn't talking about that."

"But it's true, Beast Boy‒I am a burden to you guys."

"No-"

"I can't imagine what you've been through for me and you wouldn't have had to go through that if I hadn't done what I did…"

"It's not like that!" he pleaded.

"You guys were trying so hard to please me, to keep me comfortable, but I was convinced everything and everyone was out to get me. Everything sounded like a lie. I didn't trust anyone. I don't know how you trusted me!"

"Listen to me, Raven: none of this is your fault. NONE of it!"

At this, I hopelessly laughed.

"Those weren't mistakes," I said bitterly. "Those were my choices. I meant to do all of those, Beast Boy. I did, and I can't shy away from the blame anymore."

"You don't deserve any blame for anything," the green changeling told me firmly. "However it happened, it's nothing to hold against yourself."

"Well I don't care anymore and I don't want to hear it. Whatever happened, I can't do anything about it."

"You can't say that..."

"My memory hasn't returned, Beast Boy. Maybe it won't return at all. Maybe it's meant to never come back."

"Rae-"

I hesitated when I heard the strange nickname. It had been a long time since he mentioned the alternate alias and it surprised me by how quick he had said it, like it was natural for him to say that. Beast Boy caught himself and he, too, became quiet. We both forced ourselves to look elsewhere. I didn't know what to say and Beast Boy appeared flustered as well.

_It's over, _I thought.

"You were taken from us."

I raised my head. Beast Boy was still facing away from me, perhaps because he couldn't bear the sight of my expression. If I had seen it too, it would look nothing like me.

"Who took me?"

"Slade."

I shivered as soon as he had responded. I recognized Slade immediately. I've heard the Titans mention him several times already but I knew nothing else about the man other than his name. Somehow, though, my mind had a few ideas about his appearance.

"He's the one that did this," he continued. "It was all because of Slade."

"How do you know?" I pressed on.

"I only had a glimpse of him but it was more than enough proof. Everything happened as soon as I saw him. I don't even know how it happened," he said, his anger appearing once again. "But when I figured it out, I didn't get a chance to help."

"Then what happened?" I asked after a minute of patience.

"What do you think happened?" Beast Boy countered, almost hurt. "We had no other choice. We-" He coughed to alleviate fictional pain in his chest. "We had to sedate you."

"What? Why?"

"There was dark stuff going on with you," he replied in a trembling voice. "You were in a lot of pain, Raven. Something was wrong and we didn't know where to start, so we put you under."

"And then-?"

"You were out for a whole week," he answered tiredly. "You were in a trance for the last leg of it and we thought that was a good thing. You were healing yourself. Your readings were improving. We thought you were going to get better in no time. But then you woke up and...well, you didn't remember anything."

"I don't understand," I said at last. "How could I get amnesia? How could that happen after a coma?"

"We don't know that either, Raven. Trust me, we've been over this before."

"I still can't believe it. I mean, something like that doesn't just happen. It doesn't make any sense!"

"Well I'm sorry if the truth isn't reliable this time."

"So _now_ you're telling the truth?"

"Well, that's what you wanted, right?" he barked back. "Isn't it?!"

"I want to know what happened," I reiterated. "I want to know why I woke up one day and I couldn't remember anything."

"I told you. Raven, I told you this a billion times already: we know _what _happened, but we don't know how or why, okay? It's not going to get any clearer."

"What about my amnesia then? Why couldn't you fix it?"

"There's nothing _to _fix. We've tried that, haven't we? Raven I can't tell you anymore. That's all I know."

"That's not enough!"

"Is anything ever enough to you?!"

"Nothing you tell me is enough!"

"Don't you see what I'm willing to do for you?!" he screamed, his voice splintering under the strain of his passion.

"I know what you guys did for me! I know!"

"No, Raven! Look at what I just did! Look at what I just told you!"

It was harder to understand the meaning behind Beast Boy's words because his emotions were impairing his voice. He kept emphasizing about what he just did but I couldn't recognize the point he was making. Beast Boy begged me to remember‒to understand. When I shook my head and declined, Beast Boy ran a hand through his hair.

_Even this isn't working?_ I sensed him thinking. _This can't help her at all?_

"Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"

"I couldn't tell you, Raven," he cried, facing me again. "I couldn't tell you anything!"

"Why not?"

"Because I swore not to. And how could I say something like that to you? Heck, you wouldn't have believed me anyway!"

I was still confused about why Beast Boy was frustrated.

_Was it because he broke his promise to the Titans? Was he upset that I still didn't remember anything? Is he just mad about me trying to run away?_

Either way, he was starting to frighten me so I drifted backwards a bit. Beast Boy noted this.

"It doesn't matter now. You still don't believe me."

"You can't expect me to understand all of this…"

"No. No, it doesn't frustrate me that you don't get these big things‒it's the little things, Raven. It's what we do for you compared to what you do for us, how we treat you and how you treat us. And you don't get any of it."

"I don't get what?"

"Dammit, Raven. THIS!"

I watched him gesture wildly between us: "What does that have to do with anything?"

"EVERYTHING!" he answered. "You don't get what it was like for us, for _any_ of us. Seeing you turn into this was the biggest shock of our lives. Watching you become this- this _new_ person, losing the Raven we once knew. You weren't you anymore! You didn't even know who _you_ were!"

"What was I supposed to do?!"

"I don't know! But you could've at least _tried_ to be nice, right?"

"To a bunch of strangers? I thought you guys were lying! And keeping secrets from me was no help either."

"That secret was our promise, Raven; the one I just broke for you!"

"How am I supposed to be _grateful _for you going against what I had been asking for months?! I didn't ask you to do any of that! That should've been my decision but you guys were being selfish!"

"And that's just it: you don't get it," Beast Boy went on in a quieter tone. "You don't understand everything I went through while you were too busy thinking of yourself!"

There was a bit of harshness in his voice to emphasize his seriousness. I had a hard time digesting his speech because I could feel my throat tightening. I also had to clench my jaw so he wouldn't notice my bottom lip quivering.

"I don't need this," he croaked, fighting the tears in his eyes. "I could've let you go. I could've let you run away."

"Then why didn't you?" I said with hesitation. "Why did you try to stop me after everything?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he countered back, trying to smile at me but it seemed too painful for him.

Beast Boy sucked in a shaky breath. I knew what he was going to say. It's true: how could I not? I was just too scared to admit it myself. My anxiety increased as he prepared to speak, my heart anticipating his next words, yet dreading them at the same time.

"Because…Raven, it's because I love you."

There wasn't any time for me to think. The realization hit me and I almost lost my balance in the air. Beast Boy interrupted me before I could say anything.

"You see?" he exclaimed. "Don't you get it? I _couldn't _tell you! I wanted to so badly and dammit Raven! Are ya happy now? Are ya happy about that?"

"You-?" was all I could say.

Because I was feeling slightly dizzy, I landed softly on the hovering platform before him. I knew exactly why Beast Boy refused to give me the truth but I didn't dare to stop him as he explained it. He was the one who needed the reassurance.

"I knew that if I said something, I would've sounded desperate, like some jerk trying to take advantage of you. It would've ruined _everything _between us and I thought you'd never talk to me again. How could you anyway? You wouldn't even look at me like that ever again!

"So I kept it to myself, Raven. I tried to ignore it, okay? I freaked out when I first realized it and that's when the Titans decided we shouldn't tell you. We had to let you figure it on your own."

"That was the promise…" I said, more to myself than Beast Boy.

"I thought that maybe over time, you would remember me, you would remember us. I got a little carried away sometimes‒you know what I'm talking about‒so the Titans went as far as trying to keep me away from you. It didn't work for long," he said with a pitiful chuckle. "They couldn't stop me from seeing you without facing my wrath."

"How?" I asked him. "How could you go through with that?"

"Seeing you is what kept me sane," he replied. "But Raven, it wasn't you. It wasn't the _you_ you were when you were with me. It was like...I _really_ had to start all over. I had to reset our relationship, one that lasted _years _before we even agreed to go steady. I just couldn't tell you. I couldn't break the promise and I didn't want to but I also wanted you back so I would have to wait. I had to wait for you or I could tell you but that could ruin everything. Neither of them could solve my problem."

He was right. The truth was spoiled. I was supposed to wait for the ending. This was something I should have done on my own, working for it, and I spent a majority of my time asking for the Titans to do it themselves. It was so difficult for Beast Boy to ignore my pleas and he took my anger to heart. That's why, even under a strict rule, he disobeyed and he only disobeyed for me.

Whatever innocence I once had was now forever forgotten. Knowing these things meant I could never go back. I can never look at Beast Boy, the Titans, or myself in the same way ever again. If I was severely damaged after the coma, I couldn't imagine how damaged I was now.

"I know you're mad at me."

At this, I shook my head but Beast Boy ignored that.

"I didn't want to tell you any of this; I shouldn't have told you. I made a promise, Raven, and I didn't know what else to do when I saw you running away. I panicked but I didn't mean to do this to you. I need you to understand that…"

He paused for a moment, overcoming his silent catharsis. I was lost for a second in his vast, emerald eyes, memorized by their exquisite detail of emotion within his unstable irises. Beast Boy's voice chirped as he spoke again, his speech influenced by tears.

"I just loved you too much to have you go on without the truth."

I had always suspected that there was something barricading us, hinted from our awkward encounters and shy conversations. It couldn't be that he disliked me, as I had thought earlier. But, over the course of time, I had developed a timid fondness for him. Nothing major, but it was a stronger feeling than what I labeled towards the other Titans. I just couldn't figure out why.

We were so different, varying from our opposite personality traits to the abnormal hues of our body. Now, I could see the connection at last; the puzzle was finally clicking into place. I could see why I was so attracted by him and why I was always so interested: I was nearly an opposite of Beast Boy. And like two magnets pointed at one another with opposite poles, Beast Boy and I were naturally drawn together.

Despite losing my memory, I had managed to fall in love with Beast Boy again.

Silence festered between us. The green changeling's voice had long since deceased. With that, he resorted to glaring off into the distance, facing away from me, while I stood on the opposite side of the hovering disc. I then realized how cold the nocturnal air had become. Churning winds caressed my purple coiffure, strands of hair flickering past my face. I blinked several times, trying to clear my watering vision, but I couldn't stop the oncoming tears and the urge to cry.

I whispered his name. Beast Boy slowly turned towards me, his face grim. The moment he saw me, he wasted no time in reaching out for me. I was swarmed by him, his arms wrapping around my waist in a quick embrace. I buried my face into the crook of his neck and that's when I broke down.

I had never cried like that before. I was experiencing a different sadness than I had felt during these past months. My sobs were like dry hiccups and I couldn't seem to catch my breath. My legs felt weak and if it weren't for Beast Boy's protective arms, I would have collapsed into a heap onto the platform. The tears never seemed to stop flowing, even while my face was pressed into Beast Boy's shoulder.

"Hey hey hey…"

Attempting to conceal my whimpers proved to be in vain; Beast Boy heard it all.

"I'm sorry."

"No."

"I'm so sorry, Beast Boy."

"No, it's okay. Don't apologize."

The words were fumbling from my lips. I tried to explain my reasoning but I don't think Beast Boy understood anything. I was so convinced that this was the only solution that I never realized how foolish it really was.

"I- I just got so upset earlier because of what I did to Robin and I wasn't thinking and…"

My voice drifted off as I sobbed again. Beast Boy hushed me but I kept protesting.

"I wanted it to end," I gasped. "I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore."

"I know," he cooed into my hair.

"No…"

"I know, Raven. I would've done the same."

I was sure his shoulder was stained with all sorts of fluid and I was utterly embarrassed, but Beast Boy refused to let me go. His gloved hand rested on the back of my head while I cried into him. It took me a while to realize that I had been gripping the fabric of his uniform, rather tightly, so I forced myself to release him. I made sure my breathing was stabilized before I dared to speak again.

"I- I love you. I love you, Beast Boy."

Beast Boy reeled at that, clearly appalled about my romantic confession. He lifted his head slightly and I raised mine so I could look up at him. Overcoming his surprise, an expression of relief was shown, and then a sense of joy.

"I love you too."

The pea-green boy wanted to be happy‒I could sense that he was‒but it wasn't hard to tell that he was choking up with tears. I stifled a happy laugh as a single tear trickled from my own misty eyes. Beast Boy brushed it away with the flick of his thumb and he chortled, trying not to weep as well.

"Don't," he rasped, swallowing hard. "Please don't cry."

Ironically, he seemed more gullible to break down than me.

"But I'm just so happy now," I said, smiling as my cheeks glistened with tears.

Beast Boy laughed as his eyes produced more tears and we pulled each other into a hug. After such a slow process of healing, hardly anything from my former life has been recovered. I never could have imagined that the amnesia had devastated so much. It had taken the most precious memories from my mind, memories that I still don't recall, but now, the peak of a damaged relationship has finally been restored.

I didn't need to remember anything to know that I have loved Beast Boy and that I will love Beast Boy.

When we finally backed away, his hands found my cheeks and he brought our faces closer. I watched his eyes while he searched mine, as if he was confirming that I was, indeed, no longer upset. At last, he smiled and I tried to smile back.

"I'm not telling anyone about this," he told me quietly. "This is going to be our secret, alright? No one needs to know about this."

I nodded briskly. Beast Boy noticed how I sniffed my nose and wiped away the wet entrails from my face. The cold, dusk air had an exhausting effect on the both of us.

"C'mon," he beckoned me. "Let's go home."

* * *

I returned to Titans Tower in a much calmer manner than I did fleeing from it. Beast Boy offered to take my messenger bag, which was surprisingly heavy, and he flew as a green pterodactyl alongside me. Several times, while we were flying, he would turn sideways to glance at me, as if ensuring I was still following his lead. He tried to hide it so he wouldn't seem disrespectful but I surely noticed. Beast Boy didn't say anything about it and I didn't either. The last thing I wanted to do was make my position with the Titans even stricter.

Beast Boy snuck us back into the Tower through the door on the roof. Luckily, our presences weren't detected and we reached my bedroom door without alerting the others. By then, it was almost three o'clock in the morning. The green changeling looked physically and mentally drained, meanwhile, I was wide awake. Before I had departed, I reversed the sleeping spell from my Book of Azar. I was able to concoct a potion that, instead of speeding up the production of melatonin, it decreased the levels of it in my system. It also provided a dosage of chemicals to boost my body's natural adrenalin. Judging by the amount I had consumed, I would need at least another day to become sleepy again.

"You alright?" he said to me once we had reached my door.

"Yeah," I replied, although I wasn't very convincing. "You?"

Beast Boy couldn't answer: "I'm just glad you're safe."

He suddenly pulled me into another hug and although it surprised me, it didn't take long for me to return the gesture. I squeezed him tightly and thanked him once more. Beast Boy shook his head.

"No. Don't."

I lifted my head and confirmed that I truly meant it. Still, he didn't seem to believe me. When I asked him about it, Beast Boy lowered his arms and backed away.

"You should rest, Raven. Here."

He handed me my bag and I retreated into my bedroom. It was against my morals to leave on such tense terms but I didn't have the heart to upset him anymore. Before the green changeling turned away, I called out to him.

"Good night."

Beast Boy stopped and I could sense him smiling softly.

"Good night, Rae."

Now that I was back in my bedroom, I didn't know how to approach the subject. I felt weak so I sat on the edge of my bed, toying with the strap on my messenger bag. My Emoticlones were already arousing in Nevermore.

_Do you guys have anything to say? _I asked them.

After a patient pause, Wisdom responded firmly.

_No, Raven. There is nothing to discuss._

_Good._

I unpacked my bag and put the old clothes, the mirror, and my Book of Azar back in their proper places. The bag was kicked under my bed, out of sight, and then I changed into the comfier garments found in my closet. As I was rummaging through the hangers, I happened to sniff the air and I recognized that something was missing. The mess that I had created earlier was now gone and the sweet, vanilla odor had disappeared, replaced with a sterile cleaning spray. I silently thanked Beast Boy for this before I closed the closet doors.

I had no other intentions for the rest the night so I reclined on my bed to think, knowing that sleeping would be futile. With my arms folded under my head, I stared at the ceiling, my eyes reading through the thoughts within my mind. At one point, I started to smile, which inevitably led to me blushing. My Emoticlones were reacting similarly.

Since I had been so indulged in my thoughts, I failed to recognize a visitor at my bedroom door. His frantic knocks brought me back into reality. I snapped awake from the daydream and hurried across the room. I could only pray it had nothing to do with me.

"Hey! I'm sorry for waking ya up so early. I wouldn't do this unless it was important."

"Cyborg? What's wrong?"

"It's Robin."

* * *

**Author's Note: **I don't know if you guys recognized it, but I'm a HUGE Rush fan, so I actually dedicated this chapter title to one of their songs :) Just a little fun-fact, but now I'll get into some details regarding the next half of the story:

First, I warned you guys this was going to be long. Sorry.

Second, to make things easier, I'm posting the rest of the story here. I figured it might be confusing if I made another story because they would need to read this one in order to understand. So I'll just keep it on here, make it look pretty, and we'll be in business!

Third, I still have a lot of writing to do so I'm going to need a little break. I plan on returning on May 17th and I know it's a while but please bear with me. I wanted to give you guys as much story as I could with little wait and now I gotta get working again. I promise you though, after this little break, we'll have a good time! Book Two is going to be my favorite so trust me, I hate this delay too.

Lastly, thanks again for everyone's support. It's only been _one_ year and most likely, another will pass before I can finish this story. There are some big plans coming your way so I hope to see everybody in a few weeks!


	28. Dinner for Two, Party of One

**Author's Note: **Hi guys! I'm back and ready to kick off the next half of the story :) Now, I'm sure you noticed that I changed a few things but I just wanted to clean up _Amnesia_ and get it ready for some new chapters! So I'll keep to the same old routine: a post every two weeks on a Sunday. Just enough time for me to get through another chapter. As always, I appreciate everybody's patience and cooperation. Thanks again and happy reading!

**A Previous Summary: **Raven was conflicted about her relationship with the Titans and after months of recovery and work, she decided she was going to leave. However, her plans hadn't gone unnoticed. Raven was followed into the night and she faced off against the green changeling, who was desperate to convince her to come home. The demoness was furious. She had been through so much already and she hated how nothing ever seemed to get any better. Beast Boy, on the other hand, thought Raven was actually improving and he mentioned how much she had grown since the day she woke up. They battled each other for quite some time and Raven was only satisfied when Beast Boy finally confessed the secrets he had been hiding from Raven: she had been kidnapped by a man named Slade, who apparently started it all. Raven is also horrified to learn that the coma wasn't natural; the Titans sedated her because something went awry, and that's ultimately the reason why she lost her memory in the first place. The news is startling and it brings Raven a new sense of confusion and wonder. However, it wasn't as devastating as hearing Beast Boy's final confession: he was in love with her before the coma and he still is, but Raven couldn't remember it because of her amnesia.

This was why Raven returned with Beast Boy. She had been trying to run away because she thought she was hurting people, but with Beast Boy telling her this, it changed everything. Immediately regretful, Raven cries and she, too, admits how she feels about Beast Boy. The reason why she never liked this idea was because she knew she was leaving them all behind, thinking it would be better for everybody than to have her stay and be a burden to the Titans. and, in the end, they do return to the Tower. Beast Boy sends her back into her room and Raven, somewhat embarrassed, thanks him and tries to apologize again. Not much later, Raven hears someone knocking on her door. Cyborg is there to give her urgent news about Robin.

* * *

**Amnesia**

BOOK TWO

Chapter 28: _Dinner for Two, Party of One_

Cyborg's news was such a shock that I had to go see for myself. I headed straight to the Infirmary while the mechanical man ran off to retrieve Beast Boy from his bedroom. I took the stairs, thinking I would be faster, and I arrived in no more than a minute's time. However, I didn't enter the Infirmary. I turned sharply into the room next to it and I peered through the one-way window, praying for Cyborg's news to be true.

Sure enough, Robin woke up not one hour after I returned to the Tower with Beast Boy. He was heavily sedated, his blood saturated with drugs to promote healing, but was alive and promised to get well again. Starfire, the orange-skinned alien, had been the first to greet him. She was kneeling beside the gurney, holding his hand tenderly to her heart. The leader of the Titans was aware of her but he was so groggy that his questions weren't making much sense. Either way, I had never seen Starfire cry as much as she did watching Robin emerge from the deathly coma. Although she seemed relieved, I knew she had never lost hope for his recovery.

Beast Boy and Cyborg showed up not too long afterwards. They both welcomed Robin and he laughed in return. Even from a distance, I could sense Robin's pain but he ignored it; the dubious happiness he felt to seeing his friends seemed to be the only thing he cared about. Soon, they were all talking in loud voices. I could hear Cyborg explaining what had happened and Robin told them the last few things he remembered. Starfire was crying again, ensuring everybody that it was because she was so happy. Then I watched the alien peck Robin on the cheek and he said something meaningful to her under his breath. Just as Cyborg and Beast Boy started to look around the white chamber, I dispersed back to my bedroom without another sound to be made.

The sun emerged over the horizon and a new day arrived with warm regards. I had no choice but to wait in my bedroom. It was most likely that everyone was still in the Infirmary with Robin and I didn't want to make it too obvious that I had gone missing. With that in mind, it wasn't until late into the morning, when it was safer, that I emerged again and I went straight to the Main Ops room. I could only pray that I wouldn't be questioned too much about earlier.

The mechanical man and the green changeling were the only ones in the room. As expected, Cyborg was cooking a hearty breakfast in the kitchen and Beast Boy was already at the table, eating a vegetarian dish that only he could enjoy. I nodded a _hello_ to Cyborg and squeezed around the kitchen so I could make a mug of herbal tea. A lot of the counter space was taken up by used ingredients and dirty dishes and Cyborg frequently visited the fridge and cabinets to retrieve more materials. A mess this size meant it was a special occasion.

I contemplated whether or not it would be smart to sit next to Beast Boy before I plopped down in the chair next to him. When he glanced up from his food, his mouth still chewing, I gave him a small smile. Beast Boy, who I was very glad to see, hesitated and he stopped chewing. He then swallowed hard, nodded, and looked away, as if my simple greeting had been a rude disturbance.

"Incoming!" Cyborg sang as a plate of pancakes dove onto the table, followed by a couple more plates and silverware for our convenience. "Fresh off the stove!"

"Awesome!" cheered Beast Boy, suddenly full of life. "Thanks, dude!"

The green changeling gladly chose a pancake from the stack and began to cut it up for himself. I promptly followed suit. The remaining pancakes were swiftly being transferred onto my own plate, much to my satisfaction. Though, I guess I wasn't paying much attention because I didn't stop until I noticed Cyborg and Beast Boy giving me a funny look.

Immediately, I froze up. I hadn't eaten in quite a long time and upon seeing the food, I was reminded how absurd I had been a day before. I was so stressed about Robin that I simply refused to eat. Perhaps it had been my own, empty stomach that had sparked the idea to run away in the first place. Either way, noticing Cyborg made me panic and I was so embarrassed that I started to apologize. The mechanical man merely handed me a bottle of maple syrup.

"It's okay, Raven. Really. There's plenty more where that came from."

I tried to reason with him again but I couldn't figure out what to say. Cyborg stopped me with the shake of his head.

"It's totally cool. I already set aside a few for Robin and Star anyway so help yourself!"

I had at least four pancakes on my plate but Beast Boy and Cyborg seemed quite satisfied with their tiny meals. As suggested by Cyborg, I poured enough maple syrup so it would spill over the edges of the pancakes and then I began to chip it away with my knife and fork. Although I appeared content, I was secretly analyzing a flurry of thoughts.

Now, everyone at the table was busy eating. I had been thoughtfully chewing the last few bits of my breakfast when I finally mustered the courage to glance at Beast Boy. When he caught me, I took this chance to lean over and speak to him.

"Hey. So do you want to watch something later?"

"Huh?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to watch something with me?" I repeated, a little more hopefully.

"Watch what?"

I had been trying to keep my voice low so I wouldn't attract attention, but I don't think Beast Boy understood that the conversation was meant to be personal. Cyborg overheard Beast Boy's responses, and he didn't mean to, but I started to get flustered because of this.

"I- I don't know," I said hurriedly, trying to act nonchalant. "Like, TV or something, or maybe a movie? I mean, I heard you guys have a big movie collection and I thought that maybe you wanted to watch one of them? I don't think I have yet and, well, I had nothing else going on today so…"

I could tell that the more I tried to explain, the worse the situation would become. By the time I stopped, I was horrified and I couldn't think of anything else to say. Beast Boy began to blush as well.

"Oh I- uh, can't now," he apologized. "I'm supposed to look after Robin while Star eats. Sorry."

Beast Boy had a hard time looking at me now. He continued to eat but at a faster pace than before, probably because he wanted to leave as soon as possible. Since I was also embarrassed, I pretended it wasn't a big deal and turned my attention back to my plate. It was difficult since there was nothing left on it to occupy myself.

"I'll join ya, Raven," said Cyborg from across the table.

"Really?"

"Yeah! I could use a little break. How about we get started after breakfast?"

"Okay," I agreed, although it obviously sounded less enthusiastic than the initial question.

I was somewhat relieved and in the end, I did thank Cyborg for offering. Whether or not it was out of pity, he genuinely enjoyed himself. However, despite his kindness, I wasn't nearly as satisfied as I would have been if I had been accompanied by Beast Boy.

I just hoped that in the future, it would be easier to talk to Beast Boy.

As promised, about fifteen minutes later, our breakfast had been devoured and Cyborg and I were lounging on the couch in front of the projected screen. Meanwhile, Beast Boy was busy clearing the table because it was his turn to do the dishes. He tried to be as quiet as possible but hadn't gone unnoticed by me.

"So do you have an idea on what movie to watch?" Cyborg questioned me.

"Oh, no. Not really."

"Why don't ya take a look? I'm up for whatever you wanna watch."

The Titans' movie collection was bigger than I ever could've imagined. I actually laughed as I gazed over the neat, orderly rows of movies. They were organized alphabetically by their titles and although I didn't recognize many of them, it was very interesting to read the names on their spines. I also made sure that whenever I pulled one out to inspect, it was always returned to its original spot.

"I still don't know what to chose," I said at last. "Any suggestions?"

From the couch, Cyborg directed me to find one of his favorite movies. When I read the title, I immediately thought Cyborg would be uncomfortable watching the movie. The cover inferred that it was about some sort of half-human, half-robot antagonist that "terminates" people. Cyborg saw my initial reaction and he promised me that it was better than it looked. He also mentioned how the actor was one of his favorites as well.

I didn't understand very much of the movie‒I probably could have paid more attention to it‒but some scenes were more entertaining than others. There were quite a lot of car chases and memorable dialogue, especially from such an old flick. The effects were off too but that didn't make it any less captivating. Cyborg outwardly laughed a few times and I pretended to chuckle to seem more convincing. I just felt like the characters on screen were having a more exciting life than I could've imagined, even though their main goal was to avoid death.

Beast Boy left the Main Ops room with a plate of pancakes and a couple minutes later, his lost presence was replaced by the tangerine girl. She floated into the clean kitchen and raided the fridge, rather noisily, until she found the leftovers of our breakfast. Starfire brought it over to the crescent-shaped couch and she took a seat beside us.

"Hey there, Star," greeted Cyborg. "Came to join us?"

"I just need a moment to rest," she said.

"Is everything alright? What's on your mind?"

Immediately, they were indulged in a deep discussion and it was difficult to ignore them. Starfire informed Cyborg of Robin's condition and Cyborg theorized that with enough rest, he should be good to go in a number of days. Starfire agreed, though she openly explained why she was so worried: for the first time, there was nothing they could've done to help Robin in any way. His body was stabilized but without his soul, it would've stayed that way‒physically alive but not awake. Robin had to find his own way to save himself and that tore Starfire apart.

People do crazy things for love, and people go crazy if they can't do things for the ones they love.

I couldn't make sense of the characters on screen anymore but that wasn't what bothered me. There was no reason for me to join the conversation. They weren't exactly criticizing me, but I was related to it in some degree. Starfire and Cyborg weren't trying to be discreet and I was hurt by how public they made it. I would've been more understanding if Cyborg was taken aside at the least but I couldn't blame Starfire. I only wished she had waited until we were finished or until I went away. I heard it all and though I was interested to hear about Robin's recovery, it wasn't healthy for me to listen to it.

Utterly forgotten, I stood up and left the room without so much as acknowledging the other Titans. Moments later, the sound of an explosion echoed in the speakers. I didn't even react to it.

* * *

The next time I checked the clock, it was nearly 7:30. Most of the day had already passed and I got nothing accomplished to prove it. With a defeated sigh, I safely tucked my journal away and rolled off of the indentations of my bed. I had been lounging in my room for hours now. Between reading and writing, nothing seemed to ease my anxiety. I planned on going back to the Infirmary around 7:30 again and I was severely worried to do so. Not only do I risk being seen, but I was also somewhat terrified of the place. The memories within those white walls weren't pleasant enough to be revisited and now with Robin in there, it seemed as haunting as ever.

I hurried down the stairs and showed up at the doors before I even realized what I had been doing. Then I snuck into the room beside it, confirming it was empty. Starfire, Beast Boy, and Cyborg were easily seen through the tinted window. They gathered in the center of the room, speaking in hushed voices. Robin was still tucked away in the gurney, snoring peacefully with the help of the drugs. Someone had turned off the speakers in the room I was in so I couldn't hear what the Titans were talking about. Even while Robin was in a deep sleep, it seemed like it wasn't a conversation they wanted to share with anyone else.

With caution, I observed the unsupervised teenagers through the darkened glass. I tried interpreting their speech through the movements of their lips but I couldn't piece together any understandable phrases. It did look important though. Starfire had been stressing over some sort of procedure and Cyborg would often interject his own thoughts and ideas. For some reason, Beast Boy didn't have much to say. At last, the green changeling nodded and then he turned to leave, bidding them a good night. Cyborg called out to him, like a friendly reminder, and Beast Boy agreed, though the look he gave Cyborg was like that of an annoyed child. I watched him exit the room and then Cyborg and Starfire faced each other again. It looked like they were going to have another discussion so I took the chance that I had been waiting for.

Beast Boy was halfway down the hallway, marching steadily towards the other staircase when I noticed him. In turn, I went after him and called his name. When I did, I think I overreacted. I must have looked like an excited puppy, running up to him and all, but Beast Boy didn't mention anything.

"Hi."

"Hey Raven."

He was quite surprised to find me here and I could tell he was already becoming suspicious. I had to think of a reasonable explanation.

"I was just heading over when I spotted you," I added quickly.

"Alright. So what's been going on?"

"Oh, nothing really. My nose was in a book all afternoon. What about you?"

"Yeah, same with me. Nothing's new."

Beast Boy didn't say anything else beyond that so I interjected a question: "So, uh, how are things with Robin?"

"Good, good. He's begging to be up again but Star convinced him to stay in bed. Other than that, he looks better already."

"I'm glad to hear that," I said.

"So did you get a chance to go into the Infirmary?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Did you talk to Robin yet?"

"Well, I mean I saw him but he didn't look awake so I didn't want to bother him. You know, he's still sick and all..."

"Robin's been up all day, Raven. I wasn't talking about just now."

For a moment, I hated Beast Boy for the fact that he caught my lies. It wasn't my fault though. I didn't want to see Robin, let alone talk about him like this. It made me feel sick. Lying was my way to end the subject quickly but for some reason, Beast Boy turned into this stone-cold interrogator.

_Why were we even talking about Robin now?_ I thought bitterly. _Why can't we talk about something else?_

I inhaled deeply, pretending it wasn't a big deal: "No."

"Cy told me you were the first person he fetched. Why didn't you go?"

"I just need a little more time."

"From what?"

"From seeing Robin the way he is."

"He's fine now. What's the problem?"

"Robin might be fine about it, but I'm not. I still feel horrible about it, Beast Boy, and I was the one that did that to him. Besides, Robin just woke up. He could've died while he was in that coma. The last thing I want to do now is remind him how he got there in the first place."

"Ah."

Beast Boy seemed to understand and he didn't push me with more questions. In fact, he almost looked proud of me. I didn't know why and I didn't have the courage to ask either.

"He has asked for you though."

"I figured," I said. "I don't want to be rude but...I don't know. I don't feel ready."

"Just don't keep him waiting," the pea-green boy advised me.

"I'll try not to."

That's what ended our conversation. We both stood in silence for a while and I was becoming increasingly distressed. I was sure Beast Boy knew of this and he did nothing to help.

"So," I stalled, trying to think of a lighter topic to discuss. "Are you free now or…?"

"Look, Raven, I gotta get going."

"What? Really?"

I had a hard time hiding my disappointment. After everything, I was so eager to talk to Beast Boy again and all we did was bring my spirits down. He wasn't even trying to keep a steady conversation with me. It was almost offensive; I couldn't understand why he was being so reclusive.

"Well, yeah. I mean, I didn't sleep much last night. And by the time I did get into bed, Cy nearly shook me awake, and now we're taking shifts with Robin so…"

I mentally cursed myself: _How could I be so inconsiderate?!_

"Oh! Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry for asking."

"No it's okay. But I gotta go now."

"Okay. I'll see you later."

Beast Boy turned around and went off into the other direction without saying goodbye. I stood alone in the corridor and, once again, a blush bloomed upon my cheeks. A mix of embarrassment and frustration overcame me.

_Am I over-thinking this? _I thought. _Am I really that paranoid about Beast Boy and me?_

I was back in my room in a matter of minutes. Everything felt the same as I had left it.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I'm really sorry about it being a little shorter. I've got everything planned and I'm really excited to write but first, we'll have to get through these next few chapters. It shouldn't be too long before it picks up though. I'll just be sure to get right on it so we can get to the exciting parts :) And (again…) thank you for sticking with me. Next time I post, it'll be the weekend before finals. I'll have a lot of studying to do and then it's summer and_ Amnesia _will start cooking again :) Thanks and I hope to see you guys next time!


	29. Boundaries

**Author's Note: **So I'm in a pretty good mood right now :) School is ending, summer is starting, I'm working at Six Flags, and the Blackhawks won last night! I'd say things are going great! :D This summer, I'm planning writing A LOT with my requests and I'm also working on another project that I may or may not post. Big things are gonna happen and I hope the same goes for you guys :) Enjoy the next chapter!

**A Previous Summary: **Although Raven is thrilled to hear the good news about Robin, she doesn't see him right away. Knowing that she had caused the trouble, Raven feels guilty and she is scared to see Robin. To combat this, Raven looks for things to keep her occupied. Raven and Beast Boy haven't spoken since the previous night so during breakfast, Raven asks if he could join her for a movie. However, she is turned down and Cyborg, who was nearby, takes up the offer instead. Raven was determined to talk to Beast Boy again though it was made difficult since she was also avoiding Robin. She tries talking to him again and strangely, the green changeling shuts her out quickly, apparently for little to no reason. At this point, Raven is wondering if the problem is deeper than she had imagined.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 29: _Boundaries_

It took another few hours before the spell finally diminished. I had been reading at the time and I was slowly starting to nod off, waning in and out of consciousness, when I noticed it. My indigo covers were immediately pulled over my head and I don't remember much else after that. As far as I knew, that was the best night of sleep I ever had. I didn't wake up again until around 10:30 the next morning. It was the perfect way for me to begin the next phase of my life.

Many changes occurred over the next few days. After what had happened with Robin and what happened between me and Beast Boy, I had to change. I couldn't be who I was prior to those events‒the old me was stiff, reclusive, and awkward. The old me was the reason why so many things have changed already. That's why _I'm _going to change.

I had to be someone better than Raven, and maybe even be _the _Raven before the amnesia struck.

There little to no activity throughout the Tower. Since Robin was in the Infirmary, nobody wanted to do anything that required entertainment or productivity. Any alerts that popped up were immediately branched out to the other Titans, who gladly responded to the call. No one dared the leave the building either: the security system appeared to be on a lockdown. Cyborg cooked our dinners and lunches, Starfire dwelled in the Infirmary with Robin nearly all hours of the day, and Beast Boy busied himself by exercising in the Gym. That meant I was all by myself with nothing to do.

I had to stall somehow. If it seemed like I was bored or tired or had nothing else to do, someone might suggest that I go see Robin. They obviously knew I was avoiding it but they didn't mention anything. The Titans thought that, eventually, I would get up and go see Robin myself and I knew that too. I only asked for a little more time each day, believing I was too busy to stop working. However, it was only a matter of time before I had no choice.

I did whatever I could do for the Titans. In fact, I did everything I could to make up for the absence: the dishes were promptly washed after meals, the vacuum ran all over the Tower multiple times, and their laundry was neatly folded and put away. I essentially turned into a maid and the Titans surely noticed this. Whenever it was someone's turn to do a chore, they found that it was already completed, an indirect courtesy by me. I had been thanked graciously and they insisted that there was no need for me to do all the work, but I wasn't bothered at all.

Cleaning up the place made me feel a lot better. I hated how everyone was affected by Robin's injury‒the one that I had caused‒so that's why I took the liberty of making changes. I was constantly finding ways to keep the Tower fresh. I opened windows to let in air and natural light, Cyborg kept a radio going all day, and Starfire helped me set up a vase of flowers from the wildlife found on the island. As the days went by, instead of a secured headquarters, the Tower was looking more and more like a well-kept home. After all, that's what it should be like, right? I was staying here, _living _here. It seemed like the Titans were happy with the place as it was before but as I started to put more thought and effort into it, they really opened up to me. And that's why I kept going‒I was actually hoping that someday, I could do this more often. It was very satisfying to care about something for once and not have anyone caring for me in return.

I think it was because of those few days that I really got to know Titans Tower. As my list of chores ran low, I had to think of other, creative ways to help. I scrubbed the bathrooms until they shined, I organized the dumbbells and weights in the Gym, and I helped Cyborg clean his workbench in the garage. I even managed to tidy up my bedroom‒it was dustier than I had presumed it would be‒but when I offered the same service to the others, they merely denied it. The Titans must've thought I was going stir-crazy or something.

To be honest, I thought I was too.

On one of those weekdays, I happened to be taking a stroll throughout the Tower. I've seen many of the rooms before‒though I have not entered all of them‒but for the first time, I came across an entryway that I couldn't recognize. The door was in a wing of the Tower that I rarely visited and it appeared more secluded from the other rooms as well. The only clue to what lay beyond was a small plaque, just like the one found on my bedroom door.

"Terra," I articulated under my breath. "Is that someone's name?"

I knew that, although there were other teenagers acquainted with the Titans, nobody else lived in the building with us. True, there was enough room to house another fifty people, but I guess their friends preferred their own headquarters. The lonely room did look vacant. I even knocked just in case and my echo was the only response I heard.

At the time, I was very conflicted on whether or not I should enter the room. A part of me was curious. The room was different than the other I had seen so I was determined to explore it. However, I also worried that someone would get upset if they found me here. I didn't know whose room it belonged to and ultimately, that's what convinced me to open the door.

I found it ironic that "Terra's" room was decorated like the outdoors. The walls resembled a desert scenery, complete with eroded rock formations and a starry, nighttime sky that continued onto the ceiling. I laughed a little at this, not that it looked horrible. The grand bedroom was nicely done. The artwork on the walls seemed professional and I admired the replicas of constellations on the ceiling. If that was done in my room, I would lay in my bed for ages and stargaze‒they are obviously more entertaining to look at than the cracks in my bedroom. Maybe I could make it so that the stars actually glowed when it was dark and I smiled at that thought. Whoever owned the room had a good taste for nature.

To be kind, I thought I could clean the room for the unknown owner but there was nothing for me to clean. The bedsheets were tucked, the furniture was neatly aligned, and nothing seemed to have been disturbed for quite some time. I did notice a fine layer of dust everywhere so I retrieved a cloth and cleaning spray to wipe down every flat surface. The coffee table centered in the room needed the most attention and when I went over to it, I found that it wasn't empty.

A silver, heart-shaped box winked up at me in the scarce lighting and I bent down to examine it. There was little damage to it, as if it had rarely been used, and the lid opened with ease. Inside, the box was otherwise empty except for the mirror on the lid. It really was a cute little thing. I could imagine the owner using it to store their keepsakes like jewelry, spare change, or keys. It looked handmade too, like something anyone could piece together with the right instructions, and it pained me to find it vacant. It must've meant something to someone but it was left here on purpose, as it had seemed, and I couldn't imagine why.

_Something this special wouldn't be left in a room to gather dust, _I thought.

I finished the rest of the cleaning and I silently left the bedroom, feeling somewhat unsatisfied. Whoever this "Terra" was, I couldn't help but wonder what must've happened. Something had happened, I concluded, and if it meant "Terra" would never be mentioned to me and this room would forever be left alone, then it couldn't be anything good.

* * *

During those past few days, I made it my goal to spend as little time in my room as possible, knowing that was an infamous habit of mine. I was almost always with someone else, except for Robin. I probably saw Beast Boy as much as I saw the other Titans, though that didn't mean things were going well for us. Nothing, besides quick gestures and incoherent mumbling, had been spoken between us for several days. For a while, I thought he had been avoiding me. Maybe he was or maybe he couldn't find the right time to talk, but either way, I took the liberty upon myself to make the first move.

It was already pretty late into the afternoon when I had the courage to execute my plan. The Main Ops room was the first place I looked and sure enough, I found him there. Beast Boy sat at the island in the kitchen, eating an odorous tofu burger, and not too far away, I noticed that Starfire was in the room too. Her focus was directed to the projected screen, which no doubt had been tuned to _World of Fungus_. I prayed it would keep her distracted long enough for my plan to succeed.

Beast Boy didn't spot me standing in the doorway until I loudly cleared my throat. I then gestured for him to come with me and despite my assumptions, Beast Boy agreed almost immediately. He finished chewing his food, gingerly placed his dishes in the sink, and nodded. I led Beast Boy out of the room and he followed obediently without alerting Starfire's suspicion. Although I was relieved that I finally had another chance to speak with him, I couldn't hide my anxiety. There was a lot I wanted to say and I didn't want our conversation to end like last time.

Together, we went down a flight of stairs and walked through a few corridors. Since Cyborg was in the garage, Starfire was in the Main Ops room, and Robin was in the Infirmary, I needed a secluded place that was far enough away from everyone. I couldn't risk another Titan overhearing us so I planned to take Beast Boy to one of the corners of the Tower. Beast Boy kept looking over his shoulder as we walked but I didn't say anything. I nearly jumped when his hand grabbed my upper arm.

"Wait, Raven. Let's go somewhere else."

"I need to talk to you."

"I know...here, this way."

I wordlessly followed the green changeling and he took me down a long hallway. I don't remember much of walking because my feet were on autopilot. My mind was shifting through the questions I wanted to ask and I had been so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn't realize we had arrived to the end of the hallway. Beast Boy was the one who snapped me out of my daze. I had been considering what I wanted to say and his sudden question surprised me.

"Is everything alright?"

"Oh, yeah, everything's fine. Well, I- I just wanted to talk to you about something."

"You still having trouble with Robin?"

"No that's not...I haven't said anything to him yet but that's not why I wanted to talk."

"Then what's wrong?" he urged me.

I inhaled deeply so I could speak more calmly: "I wanted to know...if everything was okay with you."

"Huh?"

"I mean, are _you_ okay? Is something bothering you or…?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

Beast Boy was becoming defensive but I was hesitant to explain myself.

"I'm just a little worried, is all," I answered meekly.

"About what?"

"I don't know. I'm worried about you."

"Raven, I'm the last person you should be worried about."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"I'm not sick, okay? I'm fine. There's nothing you should be worrying about."

"Things haven't been good these last few days," I went on.

"You've been very helpful with the Tower, Raven. Everyone's happy about that."

"I know I know, but...I don't feel right."

"Is something still bothering you?"

"I feel like you're not telling me something," I insisted.

"I'm not telling you something," he repeated in disbelief.

"Yeah I mean, did something happen or…?"

"You ran away, Raven. That's what happened."

"Well, did something happen _after_ that?"

"What are you trying to say?" he demanded.

"Nothing! I'm just asking!"

"After everything I _just_ went through with you a couple nights ago, you're still thinking that I'm hiding something from you? Raven, I already told you everything. I told you that I'm not gonna keep secrets from you. Don't you believe anything I say?"

"I'm not talking about that," I argued.

"But don't you?"

"Beast Boy-!"

"Do you or do you not?"

"Yes! Yes, I believe you…"

"Then why are you still fighting with me about it?"

"I'm not trying to fight with you."

"But I've told you everything you wanted to hear and you're still asking questions about it!"

"I wasn't talking about that! I'm talking about you!"

"What? Am I doing something wrong? Did I make a mistake in telling you about this?"

"No, you're-!"

I hesitated to say more and Beast Boy prodded me to finish. At the last moment, I made another decision.

"Yeah," I reiterated. "You are doing something wrong."

This stopped Beast Boy too. He took a moment to think, almost regretting the argument we had created. His voice became softer.

"Is this about these last few days?" he asked and I nodded firmly.

It wasn't until now did I see how truly tired Beast Boy looked.

"I get it."

"I'm not trying to-"

"I know, Raven. Okay? I get it."

"Am _I_ doing something wrong?"

"No, you're not. Okay? You're right. You're totally right. I'm sorry for putting you through that. It was wrong of me and I was being stupid."

"It's fine. I just want to know why."

It pained Beast Boy to look at me now but I carefully observed him. Internally, Beast Boy's mind was bursting with thoughts and worries and yet he remained stoic on the outside. He didn't dare to share his feelings so I made an effort to learn about them.

"You seem so...confused, Beast Boy."

"Huh?"

I stepped closer and gazed deeply into his eyes, absorbing his mental energy. It was true: Beast Boy looked drained, physically and mentally. He seemed to have been hiding it for quite a while but I couldn't figure out the true amount of time‒probably for months if I had to guess. My hand was reaching for his face and I was still using my empathetic abilities to read him when I realized what I had been doing. Embarrassed, I retreated back. Beast Boy's ears drooped a little.

"It really wasn't a problem," I told him quickly, answering his mental inquires. "I didn't mind helping you guys at all."

"You could sense that?"

I nodded and he chuckled pitifully. I tried to smile but I didn't think it was funny at all. I heard a lot more than he thought I did.

"Look Raven," he said at last. "I don't know how to say it. It's just hard for me…"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm having trouble seeing you."

"_Seeing _me?"

"I mean, being with you. Like, romantically...but it's not what it sounds like!"

"So you _don't _regret anything you said?"

"Yeah! I don't!"

"-but you don't want to see me?"

"No I do! I really do! I'm just...I don't know. I have to get used to it."

"You have to get used to _dating_ me?"

"No, I-! Okay..." he sighed, starting over. "It's kinda weird, I know, but not that this is a bad thing! It's not that I don't like you 'cause I do, Raven, but this‒what we're doing‒I'm not used to it."

"You're not making sense," I told him earnestly.

"I'm only saying it's been a long time since we've been together. And, honestly? I don't know what to do. I'm a mess, can't ya tell? I don't know what to say or how I should act around you."

"Do you really feel like that?" Beast Boy looked up at me and I looked away, pretending not to notice. "It's okay," I interrupted before he could say anything else. "I know what I've been doing. A lot of changes have happened but I don't want it to look like I'm rushing anything either."

Beast Boy closed the space between us with a tender embrace. His arms tightened around my waist and I closed my eyes just briefly, but it was not out of pleasure. They opened as soon as I felt a soft kiss press onto my forehead.

"You're right," he replied. "There's no reason for us to rush into anything...unless we're ready for it. We'll hafta figure these things out but this isn't something we can plan. We'll hafta figure them out along the way."

"Okay," I croaked.

"Don't ever change, Raven."

"Change?" I asked him.

"Don't do it, alright? Don't."

"Haven't I already?"

I stepped back from Beast Boy. He gazed at me, his eyes firm yet endearing. Beast Boy was being serious. I questioned him about it again but he shook his head and told me that wasn't what he meant. Since I had no idea how to respond, I simply nodded. Then I abruptly turned and walked away, already dreaming of the safety and isolation that awaited for me in my bedroom. Beast Boy didn't even try to stop me.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Again, I'm sorry that it isn't very much, but I'll be returning soon enough! If I'm able, I might be able to post every Sunday during the summer and that's a big goal for me. I'll just have to see what my working schedule is and how I can put aside enough time to write :) I also have finals tomorrow so I'm sorry about the late post. I was doing some last minute studying and now I gotta get ready for bed if I'm ever going to get good grades. Cya in two weeks!


	30. Salt for the Wound

**Author's Note: **Hi again! Yeah, so my schedule is still very booked. I work everyday of the week (minus Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays) and I have water polo practices like two days a week and I'm also going to Youth Group with my friend and basically, I've fallen behind on my work :P I'll be writing _furiously_ these next few days, with _Amnesia_, my fic suggestions, and my other fic ideas! I'll be doing my best to pump you guys up as much as I can :) And that's all for now. Enjoy!

**A Previous Summary: **A lot has happened these past few days and Raven is finally able to move past it with a good night of sleep. When she wakes up, she's immediately determined to change herself. Raven cooks, cleans, and basically does whatever chore that needs to be done, without the approval of the Titans. It's a very big step in the right direction but it also had its downsides. It's because of this that Raven learns about Terra and she is unsure whether or not this revelation is a warning. Later, Raven gets the courage to talk to Beast Boy again and she does so with discretion. She wanted to ask him if something was wrong, but Beast Boy took it into offense and he got upset. However, when questioned about it again, Beast Boy does admit how he had been feeling around Raven. He never meant to disappoint her, though his answer didn't satisfy Raven. In fact, it only seemed to change her even more.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 30: _Salt for the Wound_

It was around nine o'clock in the morning when our routines were interrupted. Everyone was still groggy because they woke up not an hour earlier but we all snapped awake after that. The green changeling and the mechanical man had been seated at the table, consuming the fresh stack of waffles on their plates. Starfire was still working in the kitchen but when they heard the alarm, she flew across the room to silence it. Cyborg put his fork down, quickly swallowing the food in his mouth. The green changeling felt obligated to protest.

"Aww man!" he whined. "A mission right _now_? I just started eating!"

He would've keep complaining if Cyborg hadn't shot him a glare.

"The breakfast will have to wait, Beast Boy," said Starfire from one of the computers. "I am afraid a robbery is occurring as we speak."

"Anyone we know?" the mechanical man pressed on.

"Dude," said Beast Boy. "Since when have we ever faced a _new _villain?"

"It does not matter who or what is committing the crime," Starfire exclaimed. "We must act!"

"Robin'll wanna hear this too," Cyborg told her. "Let's go talk to him before heading out."

"Agreed. Beast Boy! Stop eating! We must hurry!"

"_MMMMHHHMMPH!_"

Throughout the entire event, I had been sitting on the couch, seemingly unnoticed. When the alarm went off, I put my Book of Azar onto my lap so I could pay attention to what was happening. The Titans instinctively dispersed at the same time‒Beast Boy needed a little more convincing until he finally obeyed‒and, feeling somewhat responsible, I jumped up and followed them. They didn't stop for me or wait until I could catch up. I had to pursue them all the way to the Infirmary. When everyone arrived, Robin was already sitting up in the gurney and he looked relieved as soon as we entered.

"Hey. I heard the alert from here. Everything alright?"

"Looks like we're gonna hafta go out on this one," Cyborg told the Boy Wonder. "From what we read, Mumbo is at it again."

"Yeah. The alert came from a jewelry store," Beast Boy went on. "No doubt he's up to his old tricks."

"Then I'm coming," he answered in determination.

"No, Robin! Wait!"

Robin was throwing his legs over the side of the gurney when Starfire intervened. Her hands were gently yet firmly pushing against his chest, urging him to sit down.

"Please do not get up," the green-sclera alien pleaded. "You need to rest."

"I'll be fine, Starfire."

"No. You are not fine, Robin. You are hurt and you must rest."

"I'm needed out there," he went on. "I shouldn't be staying here while people outside are in danger."

"We're not ditching them, Robin," said Cyborg. "We're gonna take care of it‒easy."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, dude!" added Beast Boy, punching his other hand with a determined fist. "We'll kick their butts _twice_ as hard...just for ya!"

"But please stay here," said Starfire. "You cannot go out in this condition. Not yet."

Robin was obviously conflicted on whether or not he should favor his friends' opinion or his own. Naturally, he wanted to get up and fight, despite the fact he woke up a couple days ago. He was still lethargic from the drugs and Cyborg had been constantly monitoring his vitals. I even noticed that just sitting up in bed made him dizzy, but he didn't mention it.

Robin sure seemed blind of his sake whenever others were in danger.

"Okay," he declared at last, reclining back into the pillow. "I'll stay. But promise me you'll call if there's any in trouble."

"Don't worry about it, man," insisted Cyborg. "We'll be fine."

Starfire had been smiling down at him. She had reached over and grabbed his hand, giving him an affectionate squeeze.

"Are you sure?" he asked again, more to Starfire than to the other Titans.

"Of course," she answered. "You need not to worry, Robin. We shall _take care_ of this matter."

Starfire then rose to her feet and faced her friends, embracing a new sense of leadership: "Now, we must go now before Mumbo escapes."

"The car ain't ready yet so we should fly in. Could I get a lift, BB?"

"No problem, Cy."

"Excellent," cried Starfire. "Titans, GO!"

Starfire lept into the air while Beast Boy and Cyborg charged out of the room, racing each other to the top of Titans Tower. Once again, without thinking, I started to follow them. Beast Boy morphed into a hawk and Cyborg started jogging up the stairs, heading towards the roof. The alien was close behind them but I managed to catch her as the door closed behind us.

"Wait! Starfire!"

I grabbed her hand and I was almost swept off my feet by her strength. Thankfully, she did stop and she turned to me with a questioning look. Beast Boy and Cyborg were still going up the stairs.

"What should I do?" I asked her.

"Can you remain here with Robin?"

"Here?"

I could tell Starfire was itching to chase after Cyborg and Beast Boy because she was trying to end the conversation quickly. I was still paranoid that Robin could hear us, even though we were outside the Infirmary, so I spoke furiously under my breath. Starfire had to lean forward to understand.

"I can't stay with him," I told her. "I'm not fit to do anything if something goes wrong. I won't know what to do if he gets sick again or if the monitors go crazy or…!"

"Robin will be fine, Raven," Starfire assured me. "He will just want some company while we are away."

"Maybe another person should stay behind too," I tried. "You know, just in case…"

"We have already lost two Titans, Raven. We cannot lose another, especially when we are most needed."

"But I can't be with him!"

"Why is that?"

"I- I don't know...I'm just not ready to talk to him. I don't know what to say or how to apologize and...I need some time to think about what I'm going to say."

"Perhaps Robin could help you with that."

Cyborg called out for Starfire, reminding her that the crime being committed may be complete if they didn't intervene soon. Starfire obediently responded and then turned to me again. She smiled warmly‒I don't know whether it was to comfort me or to give me the motivation I desperately needed‒but she smiled with the same amount of strength she had when she nearly pulled me into the air, as if I weighed nothing. The green-sclera alien disappeared with only a gust of wind to prove her existence.

* * *

It was a mental struggle for me to decide whether or not I should return to the Infirmary. In Nevermore, Timid was noticeably shy about it though Wisdom told me that the situation would get worse if I waited. Part of what made me feel most conflicted was because I simply dreaded the event. Robin was there, _waiting _for me. I was sure of it because I knew exactly what he wanted and it was only to talk to me. At some point, I knew we would have to come together and review what had happened. And then I'd start apologizing and finding some way to make it up to him. But I didn't feel ready to do so. I didn't feel prepared for this painful conversation and the apologies and the reminder of my mistake‒my past choices.

I had all the motivation to apologize eventually and I planned to do so; I just didn't think now was the right time.

_I had little success talking with Beast Boy these past few days,_ I thought. _Why would it be any easier with Robin, especially after I nearly killed him?_

In my opinion, I thought I should learn to forgive myself first before I let anyone forgive me.

Despite my negative outlook, Robin brightened as I entered the medical facility. Judging by the way he changed emotions so quickly, it seemed like he had been very antsy while he waited for me. I could still detect his anxiety, even though he was perceived to be cheerful.

"Raven, hey!"

I awkwardly walked across the room, my eyes lowered to the floor. An embarrassed blush was already visible on my cheeks.

"Hey. So, uh, how are you feeling? Any better than a few days ago?"

"Yeah. I'm feeling much better now because of you guys. Thanks."

_And no help from me, _I thought.

"Are you okay, Raven?" he asked me suddenly.

I didn't answer right away. Specifically, the reason why was because I couldn't think of any explanation. There was nothing to excuse for the way I felt and I doubted there was anything that could change it.

"I haven't been sleeping very much," I told him finally. "These past few nights have been hard to get through."

"Yeah, I get it. It isn't so comfy sleeping here either."

I let out a small laugh: "No kidding. It's been weeks since I've slept in here‒a few months, actually‒and I still remember how it feels."

"Sounds like we switched places," he chuckled.

"It's not so fun is it?"

"I take back anything bad I ever said about it. By all means...this sucks."

"You don't know the half of it."

"What?"

I was going to answer him, but I closed my mouth. Robin asked me again and I hesitated once more, diverting my eyes away from him. A table had been pulled up to Robin's gurney and it rested on his left side. On it, there was a tray of partially-eaten waffles and an empty cup that once held a cold drink.

"Are you thirsty?"

"Huh?"

"I can go get you some more water."

"Oh, thanks, but I'm actually…"

"It's really no problem," I dismissed him. "I can do it for you."

"Okay, _thanks_ Raven, but-!"

"I'll be right back."

"Raven, wait."

The sternness in his voice is what caused me to stop. With my back still facing Robin, I inhaled deeply and pinched my eyes shut. A few of my Emoticlones, like Rude for instance, was already feeling irritated about the whole situation. From what I sensed in Nevermore, Sloth especially seemed tired as well.

"Stop that."

"What?" I said, spinning around to glare at him.

"Stop doing that."

"I didn't say anything!"

Robin rolled his eyes and shook his head. I genuinely didn't understand what he meant. I wasn't trying to _hide_ my problems from him; I just needed _time_ away from him and that is a huge difference. If anything, I didn't understand why Robin was so upset by this. Wasn't that the polite thing to do?

A couple moments later, Robin beckoned me to come closer. I reluctantly obeyed, though it took him several attempts to convince me to actually sit down on the gurney with him. He then scooted himself closer as a way of making the conversation more personal. It felt more like I was being reprimanded instead.

"I need to explain something to you."

"About what?"

"Just let me speak."

"Fine. What is it?" I prodded him.

"I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."

"To me?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry about everything. From what what happened and what I said. If I could take it all back, I would."

"What are you talking about? Robin, _I_ did this to you."

"And I shouldn't have let you."

"This was _my_ fault!"

"This isn't your fault anymore than it is mine. Look, what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry you're feeling like this but I don't want you blaming yourself. Mistakes do happen…"

"You can keep saying that but it won't change what happened."

Robin reacted to this. He looked at me as if I had just insulted him and I looked away, clenching my teeth to prevent the fury of foul words.

"You know, you've changed a lot," he said suddenly.

"Thanks."

"I didn't mean it like that. Changing isn't always a bad thing."

"Well, maybe to you it doesn't seem bad, but to just about everyone else, it's seen as a crime."

"Why would you think that?"

I was starting to breathe faster and faster. My chest was swelling with anxiety and my heart constricted with grief. It was difficult for me to describe the way I felt. I may experience emotion more than others but I never quite understood its scientific and spiritual meaning.

"Robin, I nearly killed you back there."

"You didn't kill me, Raven."

"No," I protested. "But I was close, wasn't I? I neglected your pain because I thought that was the only way to possess you. I let you _suffer_ and I didn't stop until you practically forced me out of your body. And when I got up again, you didn't. Your soul was gone. There was a moment when your heart wasn't even beating. I thought I killed you."

The masked boy had been staring down at his hands as I spoke and I was thankful for that. A few tears leaked from my eyes and I paused to wipe them away. My words were no longer audible; they were now consumed by raspy sobs and deep sniffles. Robin waited for me to calm down. He listened to my cries with much respect and patience, even though I was sure I looked like a mess.

"I know," he said at last. "I know."

"Do you know what happened to you?" I asked him hesitantly.

"Yeah. I do remember you leaving my body and I think I followed you out of it, but I didn't realize what had happened at the time. I really don't remember much after that. It felt like I was gone for a minute, you know? Everything was bright and blinding but do you know what was strange? Everything felt cold. Can you imagine that? This...death...felt cold. I didn't think death would _be _cold. I thought in the end, just when the pain couldn't get any worse, it would all just disappear. I thought I'd feel nothing‒nothing at all‒but it wasn't what I thought it would be. It couldn't have been death, right? Can death be like that?"

I could only offer the shake my head. Robin chuckled pitifully.

"I think that's what made me snap to my senses. The next thing I knew, I was in bed, I opened my eyes, and Starfire was the first thing I saw. I don't think I've ever seen her any happier in my entire life."

Robin stopped talking so he could reminisce that remarkable day. The memory seemed to entice him. When I looked over, he was smiling down at his hands, somewhat choked up at the thought of seeing the green-sclera alien above him. I could even sense him imagining her bright smile and her relieved laugh as he came to his senses: Starfire wasn't the only one who was happy.

_Maybe he was worried that he would never get to see her again,_ I thought.

_I think the alien was worried that _she _would never see _him _again, _said Wisdom.

_Yeah, _added Affection. _It scares me to think about how Beast Boy must've felt when you woke up and you didn't recognize him._

_I don't think he ever stopped worrying about me..._

"Raven, you didn't kill me."

"What?" I said suddenly. "But you said-"

"Maybe I did face death," the masked boy drawled with a hinting smile. "Yeah. Maybe for a moment, I was dying, but I didn't die. You didn't _kill_ me. I'm still here, breathing and living. I came back to you, to everyone, and I'm still okay. Whether or not that was death, it didn't take me, so you shouldn't be bringing yourself down about it."

"Well, it's not exactly _satisfying_ knowing that I had caused it."

"And I appreciate your modesty, but I need you to get over it. Sounds rude, I know, but you're right: we can't change what happened so there's no reason to feel bad about it. Okay?"

"Aren't you mad at me or something?" I inquired. "No offense, but it surprised me how quick you were to forgive me."

Robin smirked and then shrugged; "I won't lie about being scared," he answered. "I wasn't happy about what happened‒who would be? But how am I supposed to get mad for someone doing something so innocent? We were training, Raven. It was meant to be a safe and controlled practice. Now, something did go wrong, but it's nothing you should hold against yourself."

"Okay," I told him. "Thank you."

"Besides, it's not like what we were doing wasn't dangerous in the first place, right?" he said jokingly.

"You know, a little warning would've been helpful…"

"I just didn't want you to second-guess yourself."

"So you _lied_ to me?" I taunted.

"No! I didn't!"

"It sounds like you did…"

"I didn't lie. I just _withheld important information _from you."

"Uh huh."

"Don't give me that look," he laughed. "I'm a sucker for it."

"I can tell."

* * *

It was well past noon when the Titans finally returned from their mission. I had hung out in the Infirmary with Robin for the entire length of their absence. After our discussions, Robin and I took to more casual conversations about the Titans and what exactly happened during missions. He was in the middle of this story about the last time he fought Mumbo when he was interrupted by a group of teenagers.

"We have returned!" sang Starfire as she soared into the Infirmary.

"And I hope you dudes are hungry," added Beast Boy.

"'Cause we got FOOD, baby!" cheered Cyborg.

The Titans entered the room with the enthusiasm of graduated college kids. They were holding all sorts of stuff in their hands. Cyborg carried several paper bags that reeked of grease, no doubt filled with enough fast food to feed an army. Beast Boy held a drink cartridge of sodas and Starfire had another paper bag filled with straws, napkins, plastic utensils, and packets of condiments for us to use. Everyone was very excited to indulge in the unhealthy meal.

"So I'm guessing Mumbo was taken care of?" asked Robin as he eyed the food.

"Oh yeah," replied Beast Boy. "He never knew what hit him."

"And I'm guessing things went well over here too?" asked Cyborg.

Robin and I turned to each other; "Yeah," I said with a small smile. "Things are great."

"Glorious! Then we shall commence the feast!"

Cyborg dumped all of the warm food out onto the table and Starfire helped him pass out the napkins and plastic utensils. Meanwhile, Beast Boy brought the cartridge around the room, delivering the appropriate drinks to each individual. I was the last one to be served and instead of a large soda, I was handed a small, vanilla milkshake, topped with whipped cream and a fresh cherry. When I received it, I tried to thank him because it was a nice surprise but he gestured to the drink, urging me to look at it. It was already wrapped in a small napkin because the cup was very cold and when Beast Boy pointed at it again, I realized that he wanted me to look at it. I opened it up and immediately recognized Beast Boy's messy signature on the paper.

_I'm proud of you._

"Thank you," I told him earnestly.

The green changeling answered me with the tender look of his eyes: _Anything for you, Raven._

I turned my attention back to the Titans, who were all now speaking in loud voices. Robin and Cyborg were fighting over who would get the most amount of french fries and Starfire was busy emptying the packets of mustard into her large cup. Beast Boy joined the argument and he complained that someone had misplaced his tofu burgers. Cyborg tossed them to the green changeling and while he was distracted, Robin tried to steal the large fry. They both had a hold of the greasy bag when, after a flash of darkness, it completely disappeared from their hands, much to their horror. Behind them, I was sharing the fries with Beast Boy and Starfire was laughing at my handiwork as she sipped the mustard through a straw.

It may have looked like utter chaos but I felt right at home.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I personally liked this one :) It's still a bit shorter than to what you guys are used to but I should be able to fix this soon. I'll get working as soon as I can and I'll cya in two weeks!


	31. The Paths I Could Tread

**Author's Note: **So it took me a long time to write this one. Not that it was difficult to write; I just had little time to actually work on this. Even with summer, my schedule still feels booked. I'm working whenever I can but I have so many things going on at once that it's pretty overwhelming. Trust me: if I have free time, I'll be on my computer with my fics :) Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary: **Raven has been dreading her talk with Robin. After what she did, Raven wanted some time apart from the Boy Wonder, in hopes of thinking of an appropriate apology. However, when the Titans must leave for an urgent mission, Raven has no choice but to get over her fear. Robin was very apologetic about what happened. He said he feels bad that Raven blamed herself for his injuries and that she shouldn't hold it against herself either. This surprises Raven and she protests that what she did was wrong and Robin claims that it wouldn't matter because they both changed either way, much to Raven's disapproval. In the end, the two Titans make it up, just in time for the others to arrive with food for all. And Beast Boy, who knew of Raven's resentment to talk to Robin, managed to slip a note to Raven as a way of congratulating her.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 31: _The Paths I Could Tread_

No time was wasted in making sure the note was properly protected. Using strips of tape, I had delicately framed the napkin on the inside of the cover, right above the engravings of _Love and Loss_. That way, whenever I opened my journal to read or write, I could be reminded of the unconditional value embedded within those two literate tokens: Beast Boy's utter respect and adoration towards me.

Still to this day, I find myself gazing at it unintentionally. My fingers would glide over the paper-like fabric, finding the grooves in his sloppy yet thoughtful words. It was written in blue ink, no doubt from a cheap pen that he had to borrow from the cashier, but it didn't make his little note any less meaningful.

_He was proud of me,_ I remember thinking. _Beast Boy was proud of me._

Of what exactly? I had asked Beast Boy about it several times and I still don't have the answer. He was being awfully elusive about it too but I didn't push him. Many big things happened during those last few days so it had to be because of one of them or because of them all. What really mattered to me was that Beast Boy noticed this. I didn't need to say anything for him to realize that I needed support and he helped me without a question. It made the poem and the little note memorialized in my journal mean so much more than a couple of homemade gifts.

I was also starting to realize how attached I was getting towards Beast Boy‒the feeling was quite mutual between us. We had awkward encounters everyday, ranging from accidentally bumping into each other to holding discreet conversations. We were trying our best to act natural, but if we even looked at each other, everything seemed to change.

I felt like I was combating my essential instincts every time I saw him. I'm not someone who can socialize naturally or entertain people with silly stories and jokes. I was much more reserved than that, but Beast Boy fit that description perfectly and I knew that perfectly well. However, Beast Boy changed too. He tried to act cooler, smoother, and he always seemed unsure on whether or not he was doing the right thing. It was painfully uncomfortable for the both of us.

_Why couldn't we just be ourselves?_ I thought. _Why did this relationship change the way we act around each other?_

The more I thought about it, I realized that I was not only contradicting myself but I was also doing it _for_ Beast Boy. Trying to tell jokes, being playful, acting nonchalant at all times; those things weren't _me._ They weren't something I would do and doing them wasn't helping my situation either. I was only contradicting myself so I could appeal to Beast Boy and since Beast Boy seemed to be doing the same thing, we weren't getting anywhere.

I wouldn't like to think it was entirely bad‒doing unnatural things for another is indeed natural‒though it was something we both prayed would eventually pass. After all, I'm a shy person around others and I still had the courage to open up to the Titans. It did take time but I changed and now, I'm a lot more comfortable with the Titans than ever. By the way things were looking between us, I feared Beast Boy and I would never get comfortable.

I just couldn't think of a reason why things were so difficult. Was it because our relationship began too early and things were being rushed? Were we just too worried about the Titans finding out? Or was it because of the major gap between our past relationship and now? For all I knew, maybe all of them were put into effect. The problem was simple but the reasoning behind the problem was what made everything so complex.

These thoughts haunted me throughout the day and night. I had dreams about them too‒sometimes even nightmares. It took a great deal of responsibility to write it all down in my book but I was growing worried. At the rate I was going, I would run out of space very quickly if I wasn't careful. I already started recycling the pages by filling the margins with tiny notes and other tidbits of information that I didn't want to forget.

However, this wasn't a problem that could be resolved through private writing and thought. Above all else, I needed to talk to someone. The help of a counselor or a doctor wasn't what I needed, and neither was that of a friend. If I was ever going to be appeased, I would need the assurance from the green changeling himself.

That day, I got up somewhat early and decided to take a quick shower, believing it would be a refreshing thing to start the day. I spent only a half an hour in the bathroom before I was ready to head upstairs. Apparently, Robin was the only Titan up. He was hanging out in the Main Ops room, dining at the table while he observed something through his T-communicator. He didn't notice me so I left as quickly as I had arrived.

The next place I visited was Beast Boy's room. I tried being quiet, knowing that if Beast Boy was in there, I wouldn't want to rudely wake him. But, in the end, it was in vain. I had knocked several times and there was no answer. Surely if Beast Boy had been in there, I would've sensed him too. The knocking did, however, attract the attention of another Titan.

I flinched when Cyborg's door, a couple paces away from Beast Boy's room, opened unexpectedly. Cyborg trotted out into the hall, whistling a tune to himself as he went about on his day. It took a moment for him to notice me and, when he did, he stopped abruptly. I was blushing madly.

"Uh, hey Raven."

"Hi," I stammered.

Cyborg's eye examined the door and then shot back to me: "Whatcha doing here by BB's door?"

"Oh. I was just...waiting."

"For Beast Boy?"

"Yeah, I- I was just waiting for him," I went on.

Cyborg raised an eyebrow at this. I was being awfully nervous and there was no doubt he was already suspicious of me. I couldn't think of anything else to say so I looked away, criticizing myself for the horrible excuse. The mechanical man then cleared his throat.

"Well, if you're still looking for BB, you won't find him here. He got up early so he could work out at the Gym. He's probably been there since the sun came out."

"Really?" I asked. "Oh, great! Thank you, Cyborg."

I fled away as fast as I could but even then, I could still sense Cyborg shaking his head and saying, "Not a problem, Kiddo."

* * *

Sure enough, as soon as I had arrived at the Gym, I saw Beast Boy right away. He didn't notice me as I entered because he was very focused on his intense crossfit exercises. I patiently waited for him to finish his reps and when he did, a nearby buzzer went off to signal the end of the workout. Sweaty and reeking of wet dog, Beast Boy reached for a towel for him to drape over his neck. He took a swig from his water bottle and then he greeted me, rather breathlessly, but otherwise cheerfully.

"Hey," I said. "Tough workout?"

"No kidding," he laughed. "It's been awhile since I was up this early. What's going on with you?"

"Oh, I was just wondering if you were free right now."

"Is something wrong?" he asked, suddenly concerned.

"Well, not entirely, but I- I was hoping we could talk. Just for a little bit?"

I really hated that I had to destroy such a happy moment. For all I know, Beast Boy could've been enjoying his perfectly-good morning and now, I was ruining it. Maybe he was dreading this too. Maybe he knew this conversation was coming and he wanted to focus on something else before we would indulge. I was actually considering to leave while I watched Beast Boy's eyes harden as he took another, long drink of water. He ran his gloved hand across his mouth once he had swallowed.

"Alright," he said. "Let's talk."

"Really? Ok, uh, so, I wanted to talk because...because of what happened a few- well it happened _a lot_ and I didn't want to say anything about it, especially now because I'm probably interrupting your free morning and it's also early, but-!"

The green changeling, weary from exercising, had taken a seat on the edge of a gymnastics mat. He patted the space next to him and I sat down on it, trying to recuperate my thoughts. I was reprimanded by Beast Boy to take a deep breath and then start over.

"Beast Boy," I began. "Look, please don't take this wrong way. I'm not trying to call you out on something; I just want to talk about it."

"Yeah?" he said, urging me to continue.

"Are you...still _avoiding_ me?"

"What?"

"I don't want to be rude to you, but if you _are_ avoiding me then...then could you at least tell me? I would've respected your privacy...I would! I'm just-!"

My eyes stung with oncoming tears and my throat tightened with distress. Thankfully, Beast Boy was there to steady me. I couldn't believe I was getting so worked up about this.

"No, no Raven, wait. Avoid you? Why would you think like that?"

It took quite some time to explain myself, especially since I started to stutter. Out of context, our conversation sounded very weird. We sounded like complete strangers discussing their arranged marriage. But Beast Boy wasn't a stranger. At least, I didn't feel like he was. I liked him a lot. I cared about him too. I just wish I knew more about him, about who he is and what he likes and what he wants to do now that we were together. With the way we were talking, it really did make us look like strangers, especially with how awkward we acted around each other too.

_I wonder how long it would take for us to get used to each other, or if we would ever get used to each other…_

"I was getting a little paranoid about us," I said finally. "I mean, things aren't _so _bad but...I guess I was worried that you didn't care."

"Trust me, Raven, I care way too much to do that to you. It was more like...keeping a safe distance."

"You were worried too?"

"Yeah, I mean, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable with anything. Like, I wasn't _trying _to isolate myself from you but I didn't want to push you into anything either, ya know? Does that make sense?"

"Kinda," I chuckled. "Now, I'm starting to get the idea that something switched between us."

Beast Boy laughed at that too: "That, I can understand."

And then he became serious. Beast Boy turned towards me and we leaned in close, as if trying to catch each other's words.

"I feel really bad knowing I upset you, Raven. I didn't mean to act the way I was back there. I guess I was so worried about upsetting you that that's exactly what I did."

"Well, I'm not taking back anything I said," I declared. "I really like you, Beast Boy. I thought that this would change things."

"It does, Raven. A lot of things have changed."

"I want to see you."

"I want to see you too, but it's not that easy."

Beast Boy stood up but I remained on the gymnastics mat, unmotivated to follow him. He raised his arms above his head and stretched the sore muscles in his back. I watched him silently.

"We got jobs to do," he told me as he stared at the wall. "There's people to save, people to fight, and a city to protect. You can probably tell: I don't out very much. None of us do. I still think it's awesome how Robin and Star have stayed together for so long."

"But haven't we?"

The pea-green boy dropped his head with a sigh. He never answered my question.

"It's just...harder for us, Raven."

"Why?"

"I don't know. That's just the way things are."

"Then what are we going to do?" I demanded. "Stop sounding like everything is hopeless!"

"Okay okay! I'm sorry. I don't wanna end things with you, alright? And we're not. We're fine. But you gotta understand that things never get any easier. That's how it is and how it'll always be, but we can still find a way to make it work."

Beast Boy didn't say anything else so I took the chance to ask him a question.

"Does anyone know about this?"

"No. No one."

"Then what's the _big deal_ if they see us together? Do you really think hiding it is our only option?"

"Yeah, it is. And the Titans are pros at solving mysteries; they can tell if something's wrong like that." Beast Boy demonstrated this by snapping his fingers.

"Then why should we hide this?" I countered. "Why wait for them to figure it out when we can tell them?"

The green changeling took a moment to ponder quietly. My question had gone unnoticed and I didn't have the heart to bring it up again.

"You know what? That gets me thinking."

"About what?" I inquired.

"We can't let anyone figure this out, so we gotta hide it‒better yet, _blend_ it. If you hang out with everyone else as much as you hang out with me, I doubt they'll notice anything between us."

"But I see everyone everyday!"

"No. It has to be more specific than that. You hafta _personally_ spend time with them."

"I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to do that," I replied, stifling a laugh.

"It's like when you hung out with Cyborg to watch a movie. Do that but with everyone else!"

"Well I wanted to watch it with you," I told him, rolling my eyes.

Beast Boy nervously rubbed the back of his head: "Yeah, I kinda figured. Sorry about that."

"You have to promise me that you'll make it up. If I hang out with everyone else then I better get extra time with you."

"I promise, Raven. But this will be good for you, for everyone! Maybe you could do something with Starfire first," he suggested. "She's always looking for fun things to do."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Uh...I don't know! What do girls like to do?"

"I'm guessing whatever they _want_ to do."

"Then find something you want to do and invite Starfire to it," he said with a kind smile.

"Do you really think she'll want to hang out with me?"

"Yeah! I don't think she's ever turned anybody down for a fun afternoon. You should go ask her!"

"Alright," I sighed. "But I can't guarantee anything."

"Well then…" Beast Boy tossed the damp towel and the water bottle away and then he started to crack his knuckles. "I'm gonna get ready for Round Two. Wanna join me?"

* * *

I didn't end up exercising alongside Beast Boy but I did stay in the Gym with him. Instead of doing the crossfit workouts, I thought I could get more work done if I used my powers. There were still plenty of dummies in the Gym and they proved to be very helpful, especially when they were used as life-like targets. While I was practicing, the green changeling finished his workout and he went over to watch me. With his arms crossed over his chest, he observed the devastating accuracy of my powers on the dummies. At one point, I slashed my hand through the air, simultaneously slicing a dummy in half. My dark energy seemed to be as keen as a razor blade and the dummy collapsed in seconds. Beast Boy applauded and then playfully nudged me with his elbow.

"Hey! Maybe one of these days, we can spar together," he had said to me. "I think it would be a good one since you already got the hang of things."

"I don't think I could ever fight you," I replied dismissively.

"Well not _fight-fight_. Like, for fun!"

"I know that but still...I can't fight you, Beast Boy. Not like that."

"Why not? I do it all the time with Cy and we've never hurt each other or anything."

"It's not a matter of whether or not I trust you, and I do. I trust you. But, I don't know…"

My voice drifted off, unsure of how to explain it.

"I heard Star say that you guys sparred once," Beast Boy said after a while. "I heard you did great with her."

"Fighting with her is different."

"It doesn't have to be." I looked up at Beast Boy and he softened into a smile. "What if I _let_ you win?" he asked me. "I'll go _super_ easy on ya. Then could we spar?"

"I'd still beat you, with or without your help," I answered with a taunting smirk. "I'm doing you a favor; you wouldn't stand a chance against me."

"I'd still like to try."

My shoulders sank as I sighed. Beast Boy was being very persistent about this, though he stopped pressuring me when he saw my disapproval. He, on the other hand, seemed disappointed and I hated having to object him.

"Here, it's okay," he told me. "I'm just about done anyways and it's getting close to noon. I'm gonna see if Cy has any food upstairs for me to steal."

I agreed and when he offered for me to join him, I excused myself and explained that I had other matters to take care of. He smiled, wished me luck, and then took off towards the door. Beast Boy had also morphed himself into a green dog so he could run to the Main Ops room even faster.

I waited a few minutes before I left the Gym too. During that time, I sipped from Beast Boy's water bottle and I used his towel to wipe off the remains of sweat from my forehead. Overall, I was pretty satisfied. Nothing was for certain, but at least we were able to agree on some terms. The only thing that concerned me was how rude I must've been when I turned down his offer. Hopefully, I wouldn't have to do that again.

Only because I was bored, I levitated myself and phased through several levels before I could reach the Infirmary. As soon as I had entered, I regretted not knocking first. The tangerine girl and the masked Titan seemed to be having an important conversation and I never would've bothered them if I had known about it. Nevertheless, Starfire and Robin both wore wide smiles.

"Friend Raven!"

"Hey! How's it going?"

"I'm doing great," I answered. "Thanks, guys."

"To what bring you here?" asked Starfire.

"Actually, I was hoping I could talk to you, but I guess you guys are busy so…"

"Oh, of course we can talk, Raven."

"It isn't really urgent…"

"We shall talk now," she announced, readjusting herself on the gurney so that she was facing me. "Do you wish to sit?"

"Well, can we go out into the hall? I hope you don't mind, Robin. It's, uh...kinda personal…"

"Not at all," he laughed. "I won't be going anywhere…"

Starfire rested her hand on Robin's quite briefly. She gave him a reassuring smile and then she stood up and glided over towards me. I quietly led her into the hallway, where we could talk in private.

"I'm really sorry about bothering you," I said once we were alone.

"It is no problem, Raven. Now, please, tell me of what is the matter."

"Oh, nothing bad is happening. I just wanted to ask if...if we could, you know, hang out."

"Hang out?" she repeated, cocking her head like a confused puppy. "You wish to _hang out_ with me?"

"Yeah! I mean, wouldn't it be fun if we spent some time together? You know, as friends."

"And how were you planning on passing the time?"

"Well I couldn't think of anything," I dismissed her. "I thought maybe you could come up with something to do. I'm open to anything so we could do whatever you want, I guess."

I couldn't blame any of the Titans if they turned down my request. After all, the results of our last endeavor can still be seen in the reparations of the T-car. Starfire seemed especially worried for my sake. From what I could tell, she already seemed disapproving and she was just trying to figure out what she was going to tell me.

Then, the tangerine gave me a wide smile before she pulled me into a sudden embrace. It was tighter than I had anticipated it to be but I didn't have the heart to push her away. I even laughed at the pain I felt in my back.

"I would be happy to do the _hanging out_ with you," she said as she hugged me.

"Really?"

"Raven, I refuse to have you stay within the Tower," Starfire exclaimed defiantly. "I understand that the last time you had left, you were put in danger and you were hurt because we failed to protect you. It is a risk to leave again, however, I know that I cannot prevent you from leaving the Tower either. As a friend, it is not in my power to force anything upon you without your consent."

"That means a lot to me, Starfire. Thanks."

"Please, when are you available?" she asked me.

"Well I'm all free tomorrow. Can we hang out then?"

"It shall be my pleasure."

* * *

**Author's Note:** And that's all for now :) Remember that I'm open for suggestions, requests, and ideas in your comments! Cya!


	32. Girls Girls Girls

**Author's** **Note:** Hi everybody! I wanted to post earlier today because I had work from 11-8:50. I hope everyone is doing well and everyone is enjoying _Amnesia_. It won't be long before we start getting to the good stuff so until then, happy reading! :)

**A Previous Summary: **Raven is still very considerate about her new relationship with Beast Boy. Although things were looking up between them, she has a lot of things she needs to discuss with the pea-green boy. Keeping it a secret is one of the more important topics and after Raven almost got caught, she's debating whether or not their relationship needed to be kept as one. Beast Boy is apologetic about "avoiding" Raven, but he had his reasons. He explained that it went back to it being a secret and that they couldn't let anyone know about it. Raven argues about how stressful it had gotten and she doesn't know how much longer she'll be able to keep up the act. Because of this, Beast Boy suggests that she plans a day to go out with Starfire, theorizing that if she hung out with the Titans as much as she hangs out with him, then nobody would notice anything. Raven was hesitant to agree, though when she asked Starfire, the alien immediately agreed to spend time with her. Raven can only hope that the plan will work because at the moment, she and Beast Boy have two different ideas on how their relationship will continue.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 32: _Girls Girls Girls_

The next day, I woke up to an alarm that had been strictly set to 8:10 am. Compared to the other Titans, it was still very early into the day so the Tower was very quiet. Walking through the hallways seemed almost eerie with the lack of noises. Starfire and I seemed to be the only ones awake but we had our reasons. We planned to start our day earlier because we wanted more time out of the Tower. With that in mind, I was told to meet Starfire in the Main Ops room at 8:15 am. Sure enough, the tangerine girl was the first one there. She was hurrying around the kitchen to meet up with the demands of breakfast so I sat in one of the chairs at the island.

"So," I drawled. "Are you going to tell me what we're doing today?"

"It would not be considered a surprise if I did," she answered.

I watched as Starfire skillfully whipped a bowl of fresh eggs. She added some milk and continued to stir it until the mixture was completely blended. Then she went back over to the fridge, probably looking for more ingredients, and she paused when she saw a bottle of hot sauce. I would've interjected but Starfire seemed curious. She grabbed the bottle of hot sauce, a container of Parmesan cheese, the orange juice carton, and a strange jar that contained a large quantity of Zorkaberries. They were all added into the bowl and Starfire mixed it thoroughly before she tasted it with her finger.

"You know," I went on. "A little hint wouldn't spoil everything."

"I would have to disagree."

Starfire dumped out the contents of the bowl into the sink and sighed in defeat. I knew that these Tamaraneans had an entirely different anatomy, as well as a different culture, but I should've warned her about the vile combination of hot sauce and raw eggs. Also, because she was an alien, I didn't think Starfire knew very much about "earthly" cooking and our native recipes. To be honest, I barely knew anything either. I always thought I was a lousy cook‒it's disappointing because if I ever became a mother, my family would probably starve to death from my horrible cooking skills. But, besides water, I knew two things that I could surely make for us.

"Here," I said. "Let's swap seats."

Starfire obediently sat down in the stool and I hurried over to the cabinets to pull out a bag of tea mix and a loaf of bread. Usually, I'm able to make a single mug of tea using the machine and since I wanted to speed things up, I put a kettle under there instead and set it to brew a larger amount. While that was working, I tossed four slices of bread into the toaster and started getting out the plates, cups, and silverware that would be needed later.

"Are you able to tell me anything about today?" I asked her, wanting to start a conversation.

"I would prefer to not tell," she giggled. "Though it shall be a day filled with only the most fun activities."

"And I'm already excited."

While standing at the counter, I raised my hand towards the fridge. My dark energy was able to open the fridge, select the container of butter, and fly it over into my hand. I then proceeded to spread it over our slices of toast, just enough so that when it was nuked in the microwave, it would completely melt into the bread‒just the way I liked it.

"Yes. I am eager as well," Starfire replied.

"Can you at least tell me where we're headed after this?"

"We shall journey to the mall of shopping for our endeavors. There are many of the stores and the restaurants at the mall for us to visit."

"Great! Sounds fun."

Starfire accepted her steaming mug of herbal tea and I passed one of the plates over to her as well. We both dined in the kitchen, facing each other across the counter, and in between our sips and swallows, Starfire told me how much she loved our culture. I guessed that Tamaran didn't have anything similar to malls like the ones on Earth so I could understand why she wanted to take me to one of them today. She could probably talk passionately about her love for "the day of the females" for ages but she happened to glance at the clock and she concluded that we had to leave soon or we'd be late.

The dishes were placed in the sink and then Starfire and I went over to the Infirmary to say goodbye to Robin. He was still in the gurney but he was looking a lot better than he did a while ago. At this rate, Robin could check out after another day and I could tell he was already very antsy about the big event.

"You guys heading out now?"

"Yes. We shall be leaving shortly," Starfire told Robin.

The green-sclera alien then leaned into the masked boy's ear and spoke in a hushed tone. Not wanting to bother them, I took a couple paces away from the gurney and stood near the door. I almost jumped out of my skin when it opened unexpectedly about a minute later.

"Cyborg? Beast Boy?"

"Hey, Raven."

"Hi."

"Friends!" exclaimed Starfire as she glided across the room.

"Hey there, Star. We just wanted to say goodbye to y'all before leaving," he said.

"Yeah. We hope you girls have a good time," added Beast Boy.

"Oh, we most certainly will," said Starfire. "Raven seems especially excited as well."

I blushed as everyone looked to me with kind smiles. Starfire then grew serious, remembering the time on the clock.

"Now, Friend Raven, we must depart at once if we are ever going to arrive on time."

"Alright then. You can lead the way."

"Come!"

Starfire grabbed my hand and nearly pulled me into the air as she started the fly. I levitated as well so I could keep up with her but even then, she was already tugging me out the door. In what few seconds I had, I turned back to the Titans and, with my eyes trained on Beast Boy, I waved. I saw him smile‒in fact, they all did‒and then I couldn't resist Starfire's strength any longer.

* * *

At the roof, Starfire and I dove into the air and took flight. She could easily surf the course winds, unaffected by the force she surged against, but I was visibly struggling. For some reason, I had felt that what I was doing was wrong and I was actually hesitant to fly alongside Starfire. That feeling scared me and I started to gasp, almost breathless at such a high altitude. I squinted through the breezes and I had to resist the urge to look down because if I did, I would've met it soon enough. However, during my panic attack, I was stopped when I felt something envelope my hand. I looked over and I was surprised to see Starfire flying beside me but she never returned the gaze; Starfire merely peered into the horizon, casually mapping a route towards the shopping center. When I used my free hand to wipe away the tears from my eyes, I felt her grip tighten.

"You're hurting my hand, Starfire."

"Yes, I am aware."

We landed in the farthest parking lot from the mall since we didn't want to attract attention to ourselves and then we started walking to the entrance. The lots were somewhat empty today too. Not many people were shopping at the moment and Starfire told me there would be less crowds and lines to get past. The way I saw it, it could be a good thing _and_ a bad thing.

As soon as we had entered the air-conditioned mall, Starfire started to lead us to our first destination. We walked past all sorts of stores, boutiques, and businesses and they each had large windows, providing glimpses of the products and merchandise for sale. I also saw many restaurants in the complex. They had a whole section of the mall devoted to it, along with a seating area that could host over two hundred, hungry customers.

We walked through the dining area and the people who represented their companies offered us free samples with kind smiles. We tried many of them, especially the ones from the employee that served delectable chocolates from the _Fannie May _store. Starfire seemed very fond of the Mint Meltaways, although she informed the employee that a hint of mustard would improve the taste. It was disappointing to leave the Food Court in the end but Starfire promised that we would return shortly for lunch. First, we had "the business" to take care of.

Last night, Starfire had booked us at the spa to get our nails done and our appointment was at 9:15 sharp. I was a little reluctant at first, knowing that beauty and care weren't too important to me, but I enjoyed myself more than I assumed I would. There was a lot of evidence of Japanese culture inside the spa. Immediately upon arriving, I was surprised by the strong aroma of incense. The walls were stretched and decorated with framed pictures of cherry blossoms and water falls. The vases on display looked antique and the employees wore traditional robes. Delicious, herbal tea was served to us in clay cups, though it tasted very different to the tea I had grown accustomed to. I was actually debating to turn down Starfire but the treatments here had a hefty price tag. I couldn't refuse something so expensive, even though I felt guilty for accepting it as well.

We spent an hour in the luxurious spa together, relaxing in huge armchairs while professional manicurists worked on our hands and feet. Starfire also asked to have her hair washed and done up in "earthly ornaments" while her nails dried. The ladies who worked there offered me the same treatment, but I declined and simply asked them if they could just massage my hands and feet for a little longer. It was during that time that Starfire turned to me. Her hair was bundled up in a towel and she was sipping the natural brew from her tiny cup.

"Is this not relaxing, Friend Raven?"

"You have no idea," I purred as one of the ladies worked on my feet.

"Yes, I feel just as well. However, we cannot go out while the look is incomplete."

"So, what do you think we should do?" I asked her with a grin.

"I believe only the finest of garments may be appropriate for us."

"I can't argue with that."

Once Starfire's hairstyle was properly fixed, she generously paid the lady at the counter and she even tipped the employees there too. Many of them were indeed Asian and Starfire was able to thank them in their native tongue. I couldn't understand their conversation but I could interpret their gratitude towards us. The lady at the counter then wished me a "good day" and together, we walked out of the spa with soft skin, loosened ligaments, and an animated attitude.

Not too far away from the spa, there was a clothing department store that the green-sclera alien suggested we could visit. It was so massive that it consumed several levels of the complex and it needed several escalators and elevators to help the customers reach the commodities. Sections of the store were also divided by gender, age, and occasion, and Starfire got very excited upon seeing the feminine clothing line.

I walked around with Starfire as she browsed the racks. She had a good taste for clothes and she picked out plenty of pants and blouses that she thought would look good together. Starfire even wanted me to model some of them, but I had to dismiss her.

"You would look beautiful in them, Raven," she said to me.

"I'm not trying to be rude," I said quickly. "They just aren't my style, you know? Plus, purple hair and pale skin can ruin a whole outfit."

"Fair."

"Huh?"

"You have the _fair_ skin, Raven. And it is quite lovely."

I blushed at that, even though I didn't have the heart to disregard the compliment: "Thanks, but I'm telling you; my looks can clash with what I wear."

_I guess that's why all of the clothes in my dresser are either black, white, or grey, _I thought.

_And maybe the uniform in the closet was made for that reason as well, _added Wisdom.

"Then I shall choose the appropriate dressing for you!" she declared. "And you shall choose a dressing for me as well!"

"Oh, uh, that's okay. I don't really need anything else to wear."

"Oh, I insist, Raven."

"But what am I supposed to-?"

"Please, simply select an attire for me and I shall wear it for you. Will you not do the same for me?"

"I- I guess, but I'm just not good at it, Starfire. And I don't look good in everything so I don't want to wear something stupid."

"Oh, Raven. This is meant to be fun! I have heard that the females of your home world have done this activity and it is an excellent bonding experience! Now, I shall return shortly to the Room of Dressing. Do not delay!"

I would've protested some more but Starfire was already halfway across the store and it would've been rude and embarrassing to yell at her like that. Although there were many dresses on the racks, I had trouble picking one out for Starfire. Compared to mine, she had an entirely different style and personality. She could pull off any outfit with a smile that could light up a room. It's not like I hated shopping‒I just hate it when I can't find anything amongst a sea of clothing. I knew exactly what I liked, but finding something that Starfire liked was the real challenge.

A while later, my eye caught this one dress that was on display near the other prom dresses. It looked good on the mannequin and even I appreciated the design of the gown. However, I didn't have much time to inspect it because Starfire called my name, summoning me towards the changing rooms. Frantically, I grabbed the hangar that had the same dress as the mannequin and jogged over to where Starfire was standing. We traded what was in our hands and went into the separate stalls that were next to each other. Then, on the count of three, we emerged at the same time to see what we had picked out for each other.

Starfire's dress sweeped the floor with each dainty step she took. The white fabric of it contrasted her most vibrant natural features, especially the sweetheart neckline, which highlighted her collarbones. The alien's flaming hair and lime-green eyes made the rhinestones on the trim stand out even more and the cutout on the back of the dress gave it more style. I could tell that she adored the allover pleats too because she loved how it billowed as she spun.

"Oh, Raven," Starfire gushed when she saw me. "You look most exquisite!"

I had on a solid-black mini dress. It was a pretty plain style, which is why I probably liked it so much. The dress itself was made of a polyester fabric but the sleeves and wide-neckline were made of black lace. This made it so the dress fit comfortably and it was slender to my curves and my bust. I couldn't help but admire the intricate details of the threadwork as well. The long sleeves made me feel a little more secure, especially since showing too much skin was a fear of mine. That's why I gave the strapless dress to Starfire: she modeled it even better than the mannequin, even with such alien characteristics.

"I really like it too," I told her, turning in a mirror to see myself at different angles.

"It appears to be an ideal size for you."

"Yeah. I guess so."

Starfire joined me in the mirror and she, too, started to examine her dress. She spun around some more with me and we giggled at our reflection. I thought we both looked good in our dresses.

"I almost don't want to take it off," I said.

"And I do not wish to return it."

After we changed out of the dresses, I followed Starfire around the store for a little longer. We did some last-minute shopping and she helped me choose a pair of heels that would suit the dress. The tangerine girl refused to return either of the dresses. She paid for it all at the counter and the clothing was pretty expensive. I told her that I would make it up eventually and Starfire told me not to worry about it. I just hoped I could return the favor somehow.

It was almost noon when we walked out of the department store. With that in mind, we returned to the Food Court, as promised, to get lunch. We decided to buy food from a fast-food chain but I didn't mind it. Starfire and I shared a large order of fries and we kept to an interesting conversation about the uniform that our friends wear as we ate.

"I guess you guys have to be prepared at all times, right?"

"Yes. There has been instances for immediate action and there is not any of the time to prepare. Unfortunately, I do not own many of the clothing aside from my uniform."

"Well, I'd love to go shopping with you again," I told her. "Today was fun."

"That means very much to me, Friend Raven," Starfire answered. "We shall surely do the shopping more often."

We then finished our food and threw out our garbage. I was still sipping the remains of my beverage through the straw.

"You are ready to leave?" she asked me.

"Well, I was wondering if we had some time to go to another store," I said. "There was something I wanted to get for everybody."

"Of course! We have enough of the time. Shall you direct us to the store?"

"It's actually not too far away from here…"

* * *

We left the mall only minutes later, our hands full of bags and our bellies full of food. Back at the Tower, I immediately flocked to each Titan so I could deliver their gifts. Robin and Cyborg, who were hanging out in the Infirmary, were astounded when I handed out two boxes of chocolates. Apparently the Mint Meltaways were a unanimous-favorite because they wouldn't stop thanking me.

"You didn't hafta do any of this," Cyborg said to me.

"No, but I wanted to," I replied. "I knew you guys would like it."

"Well I can't eat this all on my own. Want any?" offered Robin.

"Thanks, but I'm still full from lunch. And it's yours anyway. We bought it for you."

"I'll gladly take a piece of that-"

"Back off, Cyborg. You got your own!"

"I'm only trying to help!" the mechanical man snickered.

While the two friends were fighting over the chocolates, I remembered that my gift-giving quest had not been fulfilled.

"Has anyone seen Beast Boy?"

I received directions to a room that I didn't know existed, even though I wasn't exactly surprised‒a building of this size could have its secrets. The last news the other Titans heard of Beast Boy was that he was in the Game Room so I went there right away. Sure enough, the green changeling was in there, indulged in an older video game at one of the large machines. He briefly glanced at me sideways and then turned back to the game.

"Just got back?"

"Yeah. I wanted to give you something."

I presented the bag of taffy that I also bought at the _Fannie May _store. Starfire and I handed-picked each piece from huge selection of flavors, including chocolate, blue raspberry, vanilla, Neapolitan, peppermint, and more. In total, there must've been over 50 in the bag but knowing Beast Boy, he could finish it all overnight.

"Is that salt-water taffy I smell?"

"Yeah!" I laughed, giving the bag a shake. "I bought everyone else some chocolates, but I thought you'd like something different."

"You didn't hafta do that for me…"

"It was your idea, Beast Boy. I felt like I had to do something! I never would've went out with Starfire without your help and I'm glad I did."

"So you guys had fun?"

"Lots of fun. We went to this spa where we had our nails done and our hands and feet massaged and Starfire got her hair washed too and then after that, we tried on these really pretty dresses and since we really liked ours, Starfire bought them both!"

"Sounds like a blast," commented Beast Boy.

"Yeah, it was. Plus, now that I'm hanging out with everybody more often, they won't suspect anything from us."

"And I'm sure you just made Starfire very happy too."

Beast Boy was still playing the competitive video game on the machine. Since I didn't want to bother him, I set the bag of taffy on a nearby table and told him that I would talk to him later. He immediately called out for me again.

"Hey wait! I need your help."

"Oh, okay. What is it?"

"What's in my pocket?" he asked me.

"I don't know."

"I mean can you look?"

"Why? I'm sure you can do it yourself."

"Well then can you do me a favor and check it, please?"

"No!"

"C'mon, help me, Raven!" he cried, even though he was smiling.

"I'm not groping around your clothes, Beast Boy," I said with a blush. "That's awkward!"

"Only if you make it awkward…"

I slapped Beast Boy's hand and he merely laughed. He asked me again, insisting that I help him, and I reluctantly complied. I tried to be swift and quick and when I pulled out my hand, I found a tiny piece of glassy candy in my palm. It was cleverly encased in fine, clear wrapping, like something that was made in factories. I instantly recognized the sugar droplet. I've seen Beast Boy sucking on the same brand on candy dozens of times. Just as I had retrieved the candy, Beast Boy purposely lost the game so he could turn his attention towards me. He was wearing an eager smile, as if he believed I was going to be pleased with the little surprise.

"It's for you," he told me. "I've been saving it for a good moment when we were alone."

"Thanks," I said, trying to be kind. "But I really don't like cherry-flavored candy."

Beast Boy's lips pulled back into a doleful smile: "That's a bummer," he chirped before sauntering away.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Yep! This one is another favorite of mine :) It was really fun to write and it made me very happy to finally see Raven hanging out with Starfire. Also, I don't know if you guys recognized it but I honored this chapter title for a Supernatural episode (a good one too) and I thought it fit this chapter perfectly. Just saying! I hope to see everybody again next time! And remember, I'm open for suggestions, requests, and ideas in your comments! :)


	33. New Beginnings

**Author's Note: **Hi everybody! I know it's an earlier post than usual but I'm leaving early to go on a college visit so I won't have any other times to post today! Either way, you guys are getting the next chapter :) Thanks again for reading and leaving kind responses. I appreciate the support and I'm SUPER excited to keep posting. I'm loving the next chapters and I hope you guys do too!

**A Previous Summary: **After some encouragement from Beast Boy, a whole day was dedicated to the girls of the team. Raven had been hesitant at first but in the end, she genuinely enjoyed herself. First, they traveled to the shopping mall for their reserved appointments at a Japanese salon. Then they visited a department store, where they tried on fancy dresses that they had picked out for each other. Starfire had promised Raven to go back to the Food Court so after their dresses were purchased, they ate their lunch there. Raven saw the _Fannie May_ store and she also asked Starfire if she could buy something for their friends. Back at home, she gives Robin and Cyborg a box of chocolates and she saved the best present for Beast Boy: a bag of multi-colored Taffy. When Beast Boy proceeds to give her a gift of his own, Raven feels horrible knowing that she dislikes cherry-flavored candy. However, Beast Boy doesn't seem to mind Raven's bad reaction.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 33: _New Beginnings_

"I think you know what I'm gonna say, Cy."

"I know it, man. You haven't stopped asking me."

"So…?" said Robin with a hinting smirk.

"Hang on! Gimme a sec."

Cyborg, who was holding a clipboard, shifted through some of the papers in his hands. He marked down a couple of things with a pen and then re-examined the statistics. Everyone was leaning towards him, worried that they would miss anything that he said.

"Hmm, let's see," he said, more to himself than to Robin. "Your heart rate is normal, your blood pressure has stabilized, and you're breathing on your own again."

"_And?_" Robin urged him. "Does that mean-?"

After a moment of silence, the mechanical man looked up from the clipboard and smiled: "Yeah. You're good to go."

Everyone in the Infirmary erupted into a grand applause. The Boy Wonder was then swarmed by the Titans, who were congratulating him. He started to laugh as he tried to thank them, but I doubt he was heard over the noise.

"Way to go, dude!" whooped Beast Boy.

"Glorious!" sang Starfire. "I am most happy for you, Robin!"

"Glad to see you're gonna be okay," added Cyborg with a grin.

I was among the Titans as well, celebrating Robin's graduation from the Infirmary. Of course, I didn't have nearly as much enthusiasm as the tangerine girl, who was absolutely thrilled to have Robin active again, but I was happy nonetheless. Robin seemed much better already and he wanted nothing more than for things to go back to normal.

"How are you feeling?" I asked him.

"I feel great!" he answered. "With all that time to eat and sleep, I feel as good as I'll ever be. And I can't wait to show it."

"Robin, you just got back on your feet and now you want back in on the action?" said Cyborg.

"Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?"

"You could always hang back on another mission," suggested the green changeling.

"I did that last time and I'm ready now. I'll be fine."

"Well, you still _need_ something to happen."

"Yes. There have been none of the alerts during these past days," confirmed Starfire.

"Knowing Jump City, there's always something to come up."

"It still seems dangerous," I said. "It's a risk every time you leave the Tower."

_That's really inspirational, _quipped Rude. _I'm sure you're very familiar about taking risks‒you might be an expert at it too!_

_So what if I am? _I shot back.

_Whatever. It just humors me to watch you change._

"This is routine for me," the masked boy chuckled. "We've always gone out on missions, even in the middle of the night!"

"I mean...Robin, remember the last time I- _we_ took a risk?"

Robin visibly softened at this. I was hoping I could reach through to him, but he was still persistent.

"I know, guys. I know what you're worried about, but it's okay. I need to do this. Not just for me, but for us. It's the only way I'll ever truly get better and rejoin the team. Sometimes we need to take risks if we're ever gonna get somewhere."

_They just can't be stupid risks,_ said a nasty voice in Nevermore.

"Alright," Cyborg sighed. "But BB's right. You'll just hafta wait until something comes in."

"In the meantime, I'll lay low, okay? I won't go get myself hurt or anything."

"You better not 'cause I'm not gonna save you again- hey- OW! Okay okay! I was only joking! You can stop shooting at me now!"

"You seemed to have forgotten the _punchline_ of the joke," said Starfire as she shot another stinging starbolt at Cyborg's feet.

The mechanical man was forced to jump backwards, narrowly avoiding the shock that came from the tiny, lime-green orbs. All the while, Beast Boy was cracking up at how fearful Cyborg looked. When I complimented Starfire, she merely grinned, took aim, and fired a starbolt straight at Cyborg's rear. At that point, nobody could hold in their laughter.

* * *

Robin wanted nothing more than for something to happen. He almost refused to leave the Main Ops room, thinking the alarm would go off at any moment. In a way, it was ridiculous, but it was admirable at the same time. I never would've had the patience to wait that long and Robin could wait for decades, all the while having hope that it would eventually summon him to his duty.

Meanwhile, everybody else went about their business. Cyborg spent a lot of time in the basement, finishing the minor details of the T-car. He told us it was a matter of hours before "she is ready for a drive" so he wanted as much time as he could to work on it. Starfire went off to bathe Silkie and then she had plans to go grocery shopping; not too long ago, Silkie got into the fridge and he ate nearly half of our food. He got pretty filthy after that, which is why Starfire needed to wash him. And Beast Boy, who was feeling pretty bored, decided to play a video game. Since Robin was just sitting around, he was convinced to join the green changeling while he continued to wait for the prolonged alarm.

That day, I didn't do much either. I hung out in the Main Ops room with the other two Titans, juggling between reading from my Book of Azar and watching Robin and Beast Boy compete in the video game. I made a lunch of dairy-free pizza and later, around 5:30 pm, everyone came together for a game of Stinkball. We asked Robin to play with us but he seemed rather distant. Resentful, he apologized and said it probably isn't a good idea and that he should just sit out on this one. We agreed before heading up to the roof, leaving Robin to wait in vain on the couch.

This game was one of my favorites. It was memorable to me because I got teamed up with Beast Boy and we were both so obviously excited about that. Before the game began, I had a moment to huddle with Beast Boy so we could discuss tactics on how to play. He had the dreams of an Olympic athlete.

"Okay, so you can take the back of the court. That way, if it gets past me, you can can easily fire it back and you can stop it from going too high if Cy or Star tries to punt it."

"So I'm guessing you'll be the one up front?" I asked.

"Yeah! Just so I can spike the ball. But we'll switch later, alright?"

"Sure."

"We're totally gonna win this. I'm telling ya," Beast Boy boasted.

"Uh-huh."

"We should make a bet! Like, Cy will hafta clean my bedroom and Star will hafta clean yours! Or, they'll hafta wash the dishes for a week!"

I held up the newly-stitched, stinky ball to Beast Boy's face as a way of stopping him from talking. It was enveloped in my eldritch powers and I was ready to use it.

"How about we just play?" I said with a taunting smirk.

I applauded myself for not making one of Beast Boy's crazy bets. We did lose in the end, but we ended the game with laughter. In the final play, Beast Boy and I had planned a move that we hoped could score us the final point. The green changeling had morphed into an armadillo and he latched himself onto the ball. I fired my dark energy at them and, with all the force and speed, Beast Boy was able to morph back and throw the ball even harder into our opponent's court. It would've worked if they didn't have a counter-attack.

Cyborg kicked the ball with all his might, sending it several stories into the air. This gave Starfire plenty of time to position herself and warm up her hands with starbolts. It was only a matter of seconds before the ball plunged back down and Starfire was there to meet it with a fist. I'm sure that the dent on the floor still exists to this day, serving as a reminder to never get in the way of shooting stars, just like the one we witnessed during that game.

Everybody was exhausted afterwards, though that didn't stop anyone from smiling. Cyborg high-fived me and the alien wouldn't stop congratulating us on how well Beast Boy and I played. It was a good game and Cyborg promised me that we would play again, so long as the ball stayed in good condition. As we were all walking back into the Tower, I got nudged by Beast Boy so I waited for the others to walk away before speaking to him.

"We make a good team," he said.

"Yeah," I agreed. "It was fun."

"I think I have more fun when I'm playing _against_ you, though."

"I can see why: you always have the most fun when you're losing."

"Not true!" he screeched, laughing as he did so, but he couldn't think of any way to argue about it.

* * *

The alarm didn't go off until the next day, pretty late into the afternoon. Robin had left the room a couple of times, only to briefly use the bathroom before returning. He had an unrestful night of sleep there as well, protesting that he needed to be ready for the upcoming crime. Honestly, we were all thinking about confronting Robin about it later that day but the alarm at 5:07 beat us to it.

Robin sat up straighter in his seat, almost in disbelief. He listened to the alarm beep several times, as if confirming he wasn't hallucinating it. At the time, Cyborg was the only other person in the room and everyone else was off elsewhere, but we reported to the Main Ops room when we heard the alert. I teleported from my bedroom using a portal and the others arrived soon after.

"YES!" cheered Robin, who had silenced the alarm from the computer.

"Here we go…" groaned Cyborg from the kitchen.

"TITANS, TROUBLE!"

"We know already," said Beast Boy. "We heard it the first time, dude."

"Please, Robin. From where did the crime occur?"

After a few more seconds of typing, Robin confirmed for Starfire that the distress alert came from the highway that led into the city. Apparently, a villain named Ding Dong Daddy was purposely crashing into cars and making a mess. Robin also told us that he was causing a huge pile-up and now no more cars could get past it. If they didn't hurry, it was theorized that Ding Dong Daddy would do this to every entrance to Jump City, preventing the paramedics from reaching people who are injured and anyone else who was trying to escape.

"We could really use the T-car right about now," said Robin.

"I don't know, man. She's not exactly ready yet. There's still some tests she needs to take."

"Then let's test her now!"

"I am always willing to return her back home if needed," added Starfire, hoping to convince the mechanical man.

"Yeah!" said Beast Boy. "Besides, we'd look really lame if we showed up on our feet. We need some wheels if we're ever gonna take down that old doorbell."

"Alright alright!" said Cyborg. "If y'all wanna take it, fine. But I'm driving."

"You heard him, Titans! Let's move out!" exclaimed Robin as he charged out of the room.

"I call shotgun!" said Beast Boy.

The green changeling chased the masked boy to the elevator, where they continued to argue about who would get to sit next to Cyborg in the front seat. Meanwhile, Cyborg ran after them, worried that they would destroy his pride and joy. Starfire and I remained in the Main Ops room and she turned to me kindly.

"And you shall be _okay_ here?"

"Yeah. You go ahead," I urged her. "I'll be fine."

Starfire smiled and then she took flight down the corridor. I watched her leave and even with the door closed behind her, I could still hear the Titans loudly talking in front of the elevator. The noise slowly died as they traveled down to the basement and once again, I was on my own.

_I figured this would be a regular thing, _I thought.

_Sweet! We have the place all to ourselves!_ cheered Happy.

_Finally, some peace and quiet for a nap,_ sighed Sloth.

_But I wanna play something!_

_It's too bad we don't have anyone else here to play with, _said Affection.

_Ohhhhh, you mean Beastie Boo?_ asked Happy. _He'd love to play a video game with us!_

_Not that kind of game,_ snickered Rude, finding amusement in Happy's oblivious nature.

I laughed: "It's a been a while, guys. How's everybody?"

_We are doing fine, Raven, _answered Wisdom.

"I'm glad to hear that everything's okay. These past few days have been hard but at least they're improving."

_Yes. And we are glad to hear of your improvement as well. Not many people can withstand the kind of stress that you have endured._

_And Azar only knows what I endured before my amnesia, _I thought.

Not knowing what else to do, I meandered around the Main Ops room, thinking of something to do for amusement. The kitchen was currently a warzone of food. Cyborg had been in the process of making scrambled eggs and waffles from scratch but when the alarm went off, he had no choice but to abandon what he was doing. I remembered that he dumped out the batter in the sink and switched off the stove, which had been heating a pan for the eggs. With the alert going off, Cyborg must've assumed that he never would get a chance to finish it and he also knew it would go bad if not used right away. It was a huge waste of energy, time, and effort and I'm sure he knew of this.

Since I felt apathetic‒and also somewhat desperate to be entertained‒I thought the best way to make it up to the Titans was to finish Cyborg's work. I knew I wasn't the best cook. Out of all the Titans, Cyborg was the most-skilled and he had a professional chef hat to prove it. The only thing I knew I could make was herbal tea and buttered toast, but I was willing to try. I could only hope it would be good enough for the Titans.

I left the kitchen briefly so I could visit my personal library. Aside from tribal rituals, talisman enchantments, and magical elixirs, I knew my library also had books about more basic topics. There was a novel of the history of the ancient, Sumerian culture and an encyclopedia on medicinal herbs that could heal the sick. I saw classic works of literature as well, which formed their own section in the library, but I still couldn't find anything to help me.

_There are hundreds of recipes in here, _I thought. _I could make potions and spells and enchant anything using these books, and not one of them could tell me how to make waffles?_

I returned to the Main Ops room, slightly frustrated but otherwise determined. The first thing I did was clear the counters from the dirty bowls and used ingredients. Everything was either thrown into the garbage or into the sink and then I wiped down the surfaces as a clean slate for my major project. Afterwards, I replaced it all with clean dishes and brand new ingredients from the cabinets. I tried mimicking what Cyborg had out initially, thinking I could reverse-engineer his signature waffles, and then I hit another speed bump.

He had been using a measuring cup to ration the ingredients but I had no idea how much of what would go into the bowl. I had a container of eggs, a bag of flour, baking soda, two sticks of butter, and a carton of milk at my disposal, though I was unaware of the order it needed to be in. The flour went in first because I believed it was the most important and then I poured in enough milk so the bowl was almost filled. I tossed in a stick of butter and I cracked the eggs straight into the mixture; one of the eggs even dropped into the bowl and I had to fish it out, which made quite a mess. Without baking soda, I knew there would be a problem cooking the batter so, just in case, I added more than I would probably need and then I was set with the task of beating the ingredients together.

It was a struggle to mix it and the batter looked horrible. It was severely watered-down with milk and there were clumps of butter that I couldn't work anymore. Plus, as I stirred, I could hear bits of eggshells crunching and getting deeper and deeper into the batter. I still tried to fix it though; I scooped out whatever pieces I could find and whenever I saw an eggshell, I did my very best to get it out. Not knowing how else to fix the batter, I turned on the waffle iron and started filling the mold with batter.

I forgot to spray the pan with oils, which is probably why my first waffle didn't want to come out of the waffle iron. I had trouble unsticking it and I had to use a spatula to wrench it out by hand. Even after being in the waffle iron, they were still lumpy and unevenly cooked; some parts of it were even burned. This happened to nearly every other waffle and after almost an hour of cooking, I only had a plate of eleven unappetizing waffles, reeking of stale cigarette smoke, to represent my skills in the culinary arts.

I didn't know what to do with them. They were hideous to look at and there was no way I was going to let the Titans eat them. That's when noticed how much time I had lost cooking the waffles and I remembered that now I wouldn't have anything to serve for the Titans. Panicked, I turned on the oven and put in another dairy-free pizza, hoping it would be good enough for them. It wasn't long before I heard footsteps and the door opened. The unsupervised teenagers entered as I was still setting the table with plates, cups, and napkins for my guests.

"Oh- Raven! Hey!"

"Cyborg. How did the mission go?"

"Take a wild guess…"

The masked boy, the green changeling, and the tangerine girl emerged from the door soon after Cyborg. Everyone was either cheering for Robin or laughing at how ridiculous Beast Boy looked as he celebrated their victory.

"You guys won, huh?"

"It was _awesome,_" said Beast Boy.

"Glorious!" said Starfire.

"Yeah! You should've seen his face. Ding Dong Daddy was gaining speed and Cyborg turned a curve and the car did this like drift-thing and it didn't break down or anything! And then Starfire was coming in from above and she-"

"Wait. What's that smell?" asked Robin, who was looking around the room for the source.

"Oh, uh…"

"Cyborg, do you smell something?"

The mechanical man took a good, long whiff and then he smirked: "Huh. I thought I turned the stove off before leaving."

"Um, well, I had been cooking while you were gone and-"

_Dammit._

While I had been furiously making another dinner, I had forgotten to dispose of the inedible waffles. They were still sitting out in the open, pumping a foul odor into the air, and everyone was walking over to inspect them. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Beast Boy gasp and cover his nose with his hand.

"Woah!" he cried. "If I didn't know any better, I would've thought it was me!" He had to sniff himself to make sure it wasn't.

"You were making waffles?" inquired Cyborg.

He had noticed the used waffle iron too, which I had also forgotten to clean and put away. If I had put it away, nobody would've figured out what hideous creation was on the plate. To be honest, they looked nothing like waffles.

"Yeah, a little," I stuttered. "But trust me, you shouldn't eat them. They turned out horrible. And I'm making a pizza for us right now so it's not like it mattered anyway."

"You tried making dinner for us while we were gone?" asked Beast Boy.

"Yes! I was cooking!" I exclaimed. "Good! The secret's out and now you know I'm horrible at it. Thanks a lot."

"We're not mad at ya, Raven," Cyborg told me.

"We're just...surprised," added Robin.

"Yeah," said Beast Boy. "It was really cool of you to do that, even if it didn't turn out good."

"Well, the pizza is almost done," I assured them. "So forget about the waffles. I'll get rid of them before they stink up the entire Tower."

"Please, Friend Raven, may I consume them instead?"

Starfire was coming up to greet me and I was startled by her question. Judging by her expression, she looked very serious and she wasn't anyone to make a joke. I, however, still couldn't believe her. Eating the food I made could make a person sick, not to mention how it would taste. I doubt they tasted even remotely like waffles.

"You want to eat my waffles?" I reiterated.

"Oh yes!" she enthused. "I have noticed that your cooking tastes most similar to the incinerated Glorkoroches of my home world. It is quite a treat!"

I was unsure on whether or not it was a compliment; "I can heat them up in the microwave for you," I offered with a weak smile.

"No thank you. I enjoy them when they are burnt on the outside and runny on the inside. But, please, may I have the mustard?"

* * *

For dinner, we ate the table like a family. Everyone was eating pizza except for Starfire, who was happily enjoying the "waffles" I had tried to make. The Titans had a good story to tell. Cyborg boasted about how his baby did in battle with Ding Dong Daddy and Robin seemed very pleased with how everything turned out. Beast Boy explained that they raced him across the highway with the T-car and he and Starfire were able to surprise Ding Dong Daddy with a road block. This allowed Robin to extract the criminal from his vehicle and restrain him as a gift for the police. I could tell that everyone was proud of their work but everyone was especially proud of Robin. He thanked his friends for the support and together, we toasted Robin's recovery with our cups held high in the air.

It was Beast Boy's turn to do the dishes tonight so everybody had to drop off their plates into the sink before they could be dismissed. The entire pizza was gone and my waffles were too so I didn't have any leftovers to put away. Beast Boy also offered to clean up the rest of kitchen, saying that I deserved a break.

"You were running around outside to catch a criminal," I told him. "All I did was make a mess in the kitchen, and you think I need a break?"

"What? You wanna clean it up?" he asked sarcastically.

"Nah, it's okay. I don't want to trouble you."

"Yeah, and we don't want that."

That night, I had enough time for me to prepare for bed. I took a long, rejuvenating shower and I changed into comfy pajamas from my dresser. While I waited for my hair to dry, I grabbed my Book of Azar, settled myself into bed, and started to read beside a flickering candle. I guess I lost track of time because when I checked the clock again, it was nearly 11:15 pm and I was ready to go to sleep. I yawned, placed the book on my nightstand, and removed the towel from my head. The flame on the candle was blown out just a few moments before I heard a knock at my door.

"Hey. Oh, sorry. Is this a bad time?"

I didn't expect to see the pea-green boy again until morning and I also didn't expect to see him so happy. Beast Boy seemed full of energy, like he could run a mile just for the fun of it, while I was feeling drowsy at such a late hour. Even though I was tired and slightly irritable, it wasn't exactly an unpleasant surprise. I really came to love these spontaneous events of his.

"No, it's fine, Beast Boy. I was just about to go to bed though. Why?"

"I wanted to know if you were free."

"Now?"

"Yeah! Right now!"

"It _is_ late," I insisted. "It's after eleven."

"Exactly. Everyone else will be asleep so it's the perfect time for us to hang out. I checked by everyone's door too and they all look like they're not coming out until morning."

"I'm really in no mood to play a video game or anything like that," I apologized. "I'm not the best at them anyway."

"Not true!" he assured me. "You were ready to beat me that one time!"

"But I don't know about hanging out though. I'm pretty tired."

"Then forget the video game. Can I make it up to you?"

"Really?"

It took me a moment to realize what he was initially asking. If I had given it more thought, I never would have said that but his question took me by surprise. I had almost forgotten about his promise and it touched me how he managed to remember. Beast Boy laughed at this.

"Yeah! Really! I already got a scary movie in mind, if you're up for it," he said in a mock warning tone.

Catching his humor, I answered him by saying, "Then I'd better come with you, so you'll have someone's hand to hold."

I had dressed myself into black yoga pants and a white cami for bed. However, because Beast Boy convinced me to watch a movie with him, I put on an indigo cardigan before I agreed to go with him. At the Main Ops room, Beast Boy showed me the movie he wanted to watch with me but it wasn't what I expected.

"A classic Disney movie isn't scary, Beast Boy."

"Uh, yeah it is!" he argued. "Look, this _evil_ woman is trying to take these cute, little puppies only so she can make this big, ugly coat out of their skin! How is that not scary?"

"I'm just saying it's a kids' movie. It's for kids."

"And there are PLENTY of kids' stuff that aren't for kids!"

"We can still watch it," I laughed. "Go on! Just play it already!"

Not five minutes later, we were snuggled on the couch. Beast Boy reclined himself on one side and I nestled into the crook between the couch cushions and his warm body. I rested my head on his chest, my fingers gripping the fabric of his uniform as we watched the movie on the projection. I was still pretty tired and cuddling so close to Beast Boy made me feel so safe and secure that my eyelids started to droop. I didn't move again until I felt Beast Boy stirring beneath me so I whined in complaint.

"Rae," Beast Boy breathed.

I moaned as I shifted positions, slowly recounting my most recent memories. I didn't really remember much of the movie. In fact, it took me a moment to remember exactly where I was.

"I got to get back to my bed," I muttered. "What time is it? It must be very late."

"It's morning."

"Huh?"

I quickly sat upright and the first thing I saw was the green changeling's signature grin. Beast Boy was still groggy from late night so he didn't seem to care about what happened. I, on the other hand, started to panic‒it wouldn't be long before the unmistakable blush appears.

"I fell asleep?" I asked, trying to make sense of my thoughts.

"Well you seemed comfortable."

"Was," I muttered. "What happened?"

"You were out like a light about ten minutes into the movie," he explained. "I would've moved you back to your room but I'd hate to wake you up. So I just...fell asleep with you, I guess."

Sure enough, it was still very early into the morning. The projection was still on, displaying the home screen for the movie that neither of us had bothered to turn off. The windows were wide open and beyond the glass, I could see the sky preparing for the break of dawn. I heard Beast Boy yawn loudly as he stretched the muscles in his arms. I turned back to him, staring at him absent-mindedly.

"Uh, Beast Boy?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you. For making it up to me, I mean."

Beast Boy genuinely smiled. He didn't acknowledge it but I knew he was aware of my gratitude.

"C'mon," he said as he stood up, beckoning me to follow. "There's something I wanna show ya."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Alright so that's all for now! Until then, enjoy the break!


	34. Into the Sun

**Author's Notes: **Hey! Sorry about the later post. Things are getting pretty busy here. Now that my vacation is over, I have a lot of things to do before school starts. I have swimming tryouts, my summer reading book, flute lessons, school pictures, college essays and all that to get done. I'll be very busy but I'm keeping you guys as updated as soon as I can :) Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary:** Robin is finally checked out of the Infirmary. Now that he's feeling better, the first thing on his mind is to go out on a mission with the Titans. It took a while to get the official alert and when it finally goes off, Robin is the first one to meet it. Raven, feeling inspirational, decided to do a kind deed for the Titans as a celebration. The mechanical man had been in the middle of making waffles when the alert went off so Raven tried to finish his handiwork. However, Raven quickly realized that it was not as easy as it sounded. In the end, Starfire was the only one who dared to consume the "waffles" and everybody else shared a dairy-free pizza. Later that night, Raven and Beast Boy were able to get together for a little movie. Raven was exhausted so she wasn't able to stay awake very long but Beast Boy didn't mind at all. He didn't wake her until long after the movie ended and nighttime was coming to a close. That's when he wanted to show her a surprise.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 34: _Into the Sun_

Beast Boy and I had traveled up a long flight of stairs that led to the roof. We held hands but he led the way, pulling me up the steps with him. When we got to the top, he faced me as he turned the knob and opened the door, flooding the staircase with fresh light. I had to shield my eyes and squint past it to see Beast Boy's surprise.

The sun was just peeking over across the water when we arrived. Brilliant rays of sunshine seemed to explode out in all directions, catching the fluffy clouds and birds that flew overhead. I knew I couldn't stare into the sky for too long because I'd go blind from the brightness. However, the ocean reflected the sunrise very well and it made the light bend and flow with the waves. A pious individual of any religion would've believed it was the work of their God.

For a while, we didn't say anything to each other. We sat at the edge of the roof and simply marveled at the horizon, utterly speechless to the view only available at the top of the Tower. I didn't want to talk either because I thought I'd be disturbing him and when Beast Boy spoke, it was not out of urgency. He seemed content with the silence, which is why I was surprised to hear him ask a question. He felt the need to start a conversation. It turned out to be very important as well.

"Do you remember what you were like a while ago?"

"No, not really," I dismissed him. "How come?"

"It just really amazes me how much has happened, you know, after all we've been through already and how there's still more to come. And you, Raven." Beast Boy turned to me. "Seeing you change over these months was something I never want to forget."

"What was I like?" I asked him. "What did you think of me?"

"It was strange...you became so _animalistic_. You didn't trust any of us and there was always something you were afraid of but you were also ready to fight anything that came in your way. It was like this instinct…"

"I do remember the times I tried to run away."

"I remember too and it goes back to your instincts: you didn't trust us and you thought escaping was your best option for survival. This kinda stuff was something people still study about today! I'm sure Cy got all sciency when he gave you that check-up."

I gave Beast Boy some time to think about it some more but I was starting to get curious about another question.

"I have to ask you something too," I told him.

"Shoot."

"Would you guys have trusted yourselves if you were me?"

Beast Boy laughed at this. For a second, I thought he was laughing at me but his answer took me by surprise: "You know what? I wouldn't have."

"And why wouldn't you?"

"Look, I know I gave you a lot of crap about it, but I was being stupid. It was selfish of me to never think about what it was like for you."

"I guess we were both selfish…"

Beast Boy paused and then he inhaled cautiously. "Raven, you're not selfish." I was about to protest but he interrupted me. "You're modest."

"How is that the same thing?"

"It's not. You do think of yourself, but you put others before you. You think what happens to your friends is more important than what happens to you and that's not always bad, unless you start to think our lives are more important than yours."

"Isn't it though?"

"No. It's not."

"Why wouldn't it be? Don't you realize what would happen if neither of you were around the protect the city: I'm sure it would be chaotic! My life over yours? How is my life anymore important than the thousands of people living over there?"

"Raven, you can't ever put your life on the line for us, _any_ of us," he emphasized quite clearly. "It doesn't matter what would happen; don't sacrifice yourself for something like that."

"But that's what it means to love someone, Beast Boy," I insisted, taking on another tone. "I'd do anything for you."

"But you wouldn't risk your life for me."

"I would if it meant you'd live."

"Listen to me: you can't do that. I don't care what's happening; you find a way for everyone to make it out.

"Then I'd expect the same from all of you. I know you guys went through so much to keep me safe and protected, and I'm thankful for that, but that better not mean it's more important to protect me than to protect yourselves, or to protect the people in the city. I can understand doing things out of love but there are other things you need to worry about besides me."

Beast Boy took my words into consideration. It became quiet between us and I looked away, distracting myself with the ongoing sunrise. When the pea-green boy spoke again, it wasn't what I'd expected him to say.

"There's nothing you should be thankful for."

"I'm thankful for you, Beast Boy."

"No. You're not."

"I am!"

"You're not thankful for me, Raven. You shouldn't be."

"And why not?" I demanded, chuckling because I thought he was being unreasonable.

"Because...being thankful? That's what you say for something you wanted and it was given to you. I don't see you as anything like that. You weren't given to me and I wasn't given to you. That makes it worth so much more."

I was upset by Beast Boy's comment, though I softened upon hearing his reasoning. I knew Beast Boy had a different perspective from me and it was nothing to start a dispute over. No amount of arguing would ever prove that either of our opinions are superior.

"Beast Boy, I am thankful," I said earnestly. "I'm thankful for my life, I'm thankful for this time, I'm thankful for the Titans."

"None of this was given to you, none of this you earned...Raven, it only happened."

"I worked hard to get where I am today," I said defiantly. "I spent months and months of training and learning from my mistakes so I could use my abilities; doesn't that mean anything?"

"Yeah, it does! You did earn those skills because you worked for them, but what I'm saying is that you didn't _earn_ our friendship. We've always been there for you and I feel like that's nothing to be thankful for."

"I don't know. Things were very different between us, Beast Boy," I told him. "I betrayed everyone at one point, didn't I? I ran away, I broke things; even _I_ didn't trust anybody. Because of that, I had to earn your trust again and that kind of trust wasn't just handed to me. I worked for it‒_we_ worked together to set things right‒and I _did _earn something. I earned a new relationship with you."

Beast Boy stayed quiet so I continued.

"How did we first meet?" I inquired. "Like, before my amnesia, what happened on the day we first met?"

The green changeling took a moment to recollect his memories; "I haven't forgotten," he said with a small smile. "It was a big day. I got to fight side-by-side with Robin, who was a big hero of mine back then; I made a new best friend, Cyborg; I helped save Starfire from these freaky aliens called Gordanians or whatever; and...well, I met you."

"Wow," I joked. "You did all these amazing things...and then there's me."

"It's not like that!" Beast Boy pleaded, although we both started to laugh. "Meeting you was another awesome thing I did that day and I still remember what you were like."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You were this quiet, mysterious girl in a cape and hood. Using these dark powers, you came out of nowhere and stopped us from attacking Starfire because you thought she wasn't really evil, that she was just tired and confused. To be honest, if you hadn't jumped in like that, I don't even know what would've happened."

I had never heard of a more interesting description of myself before. I knew I was unlike a typical, teenaged girl. The eldritch hues of my body and my secluded personality made me appear gothic, which wasn't a style I was afraid to show. I was always seen as dark and misunderstood, but the way that Beast Boy put it made me feel much better about myself. I wasn't just some creepy witch among powerful teenagers; I was one of them. We were all different in nature and I guess that's what made me fit in with the Titans: they made me feel at home, even when I was one-of-a-kind.

"It was tough at first," he explained after a while. "Nobody got along with each other. Star ran away from us and Robin wanted to follow her by himself. Cyborg didn't want to join us either because he was so upset with how he looked and he thought no one would accept him. It was kinda the same deal with you."

_I can imagine,_ I thought.

"I think what pulled us together was when we fought those freaky dudes again. We had really good teamwork, which was funny because we were fighting earlier and you were the one who stopped us. Funny, huh?"

"Do you remember anything else?" I pressed on.

The green changeling thought to himself for a moment before he smiled again.

"You saved everybody," he said.

"I did?"

"We were cornered in the Gordanians' ship and I was struck down. You came over to help me up and just when I thought we'd never make it out, you said these words and the whole thing exploded. You took out them all in a single blow! The city was saved and Starfire was free from her captors. After that, we became good friends, built Titans Tower, and the rest is history."

"And how is that not anything to be thankful for?" I asked him.

"I don't get it."

"You did it, Beast Boy. You kept us together and now we're great friends, aren't we? But you had to _earn_ our trust first, _earn_ our relationship. And you said it yourself; everyone was fighting when we first met so you had to work hard to keep us together and I think that's something to be thankful for."

"I don't know," he said as he considered my words. "I guess you're right. You did work hard for a lot of things too and you've done the impossible many times, just like when we first became friends. But you gotta remember: you can try and try as much as you want but you can't control everything that happens."

"Everything?" I repeated.

"Yeah. Not everything is in your power to control, Raven. You can still work hard to change things but there are some things that can't be controlled."

"What can't I control?"

Beast Boy looked away and I urged him to give me an answer. For some reason, Beast Boy seemed nervous. He didn't know how to explain it so he quickly changed his initial response, taking on another tone as well.

"You can't control how I feel about you," he said hesitantly.

"Oh really?" I taunted him, which made him smile again. "So I can't control how you feel about me?"

"Yeah. It's up to me to figure out my feelings for you."

"Hmm. I might not be able to _control_ how you feel, but something tells me I can still figure it out for myself."

"You think so?"

"Mmmm."

I edged closer to Beast Boy and he did the same in return. Our faces were close enough for our noses to touch and our eyes were starting to close. I hesitated right before my lips could contact his and as soon as I stopped, Beast Boy didn't move. My desire was being tempted by his anxious breath and the curve of his sage lips, but I stopped myself because I wanted to know if this was what Beast Boy truly wanted too.

I could see it in his eyes; he wanted this so badly. Beast Boy had yearned to be with me again for ages and now he seemed to be going crazy at the thought of kissing me. He hadn't done so in a long time, not counting when he had to calm me from my panic attack, and I was just understanding why he wasn't going for it: Beast Boy wanted me to do it and I was more than willing to do so.

It was nothing out of fiery passion or exhilaration. The symptoms of anxiety that we were exhibiting before the kiss were gone as soon as we had connected. Many people would think that our desperation would leave us shaking and asking for more, but it wasn't like that at all. One, small kiss made all the difference. I held onto Beast Boy's lips and relaxed into him, barely moving at all. Beast Boy's hand slowly rose so he could cradle the back of my neck, just in time for us to part and for him to readjust his mouth into mine. It was so perfect; we didn't press into one another with force and our tongues were dormant. All we did was move our lips to correspond to each other and that was more than enough to please us both.

When we finally pulled away, I looked up at Beast Boy and his eyes were still closed. I could sense his wild thoughts and his utter happiness from the lustful kiss. I laughed breathlessly when I felt my heart start to beat again.

"Did that just happen?" he asked with a chuckle of his own.

"That, and this too" was all I could say before I closed the gap between our lips again.

* * *

My "first" kiss with Beast Boy was something I vowed to never forgot‒I realized that even then. It was such an emotional high that neither of us wanted to leave the roof. The sun had already risen beyond the horizon and our stomachs ached for a hearty breakfast but we didn't dare to leave our spots until Beast Boy's communicator went off. There was a collective sigh.

"I'm sorry about having to go," I told him.

"Nah, don't be sorry for me," said Beast Boy with a shrug. "Feel sorry for the bad guys whose butts I'm gonna kick. They're making a big mistake in messing with me."

"I'm sure they are."

Beast Boy kissed me once more on the cheek before he stood up and walked towards the door. He had asked me if I was going to follow him. I politely answered by saying that I wanted to stay a while longer and that I'll see him after their mission. Beast Boy agreed and I wished him luck, provoking another witty retort. Once he left, I could feel the excitement arousing in Nevermore.

_Raven!_ squealed Happy. _That was UH-MAZE-ZING!_

"I know! Why do you think I'm so happy?" I asked with a laugh.

_It was perfect,_ said Affection. _Who knew Beast Boy was so dreamy?_

_He is such a textbook-romantic, _Wisdom noted. _I admire his patience for us to initiate the first move._

"It really was something," I said, more to myself than to my Emoticlones. "I'm just so happy about how well things are going for us. They're finally working out like I had hoped."

_You just better hope they stay that way._

"I know, Brave. There's still the matter of telling the Titans."

_And when are ya gonna do that? _asked Happy.

"I'm not sure. It scares me to think about what they would say, you know? Beast Boy told me they made a promise to never talk about what happened before my amnesia and now Beast Boy and I are keeping secrets too. They're only trying to help but I doubt they'll be happy to hear that Beast Boy broke the promise. I'm worried about what they would say to Beast Boy."

I was still upset at myself for making Beast Boy tell me the truth as well. I had thought about what would happen if that had been changed. What if I had learned it naturally, just as the Titans had intended for me to do so? Maybe things between Beast Boy and I would be better and maybe the Titans wouldn't be mad at us for betraying their trust. However, there was no way I was ever going to accomplish this and I was smart enough to think otherwise.

After I had enjoyed a few more moments of peace, I decided to spent some time in the Gym. The Titans had already left so I wanted to do something productive while they were gone. It wasn't too long into my training exercises when I noticed something abnormal. I was throwing punches at dummies, using my powers as an extension of my limbs. At one point, my dark energy quickly blinked another color and this stopped me. There had only been a few times when I had seen my powers change shades but I had never seen it change to purple. I knew right away what this meant.

The thought of the pea-green boy was enough to attract the attention of one of my Emoticlones. Affection ignited in Nevermore, creating a surge of emotion that I was able to use as bendable energy. With her in my power, I had all the strength and willpower to defeat the rest of the dummies that I had set up for me to use. I finished with a balanced stance and I barely moved, except for my chest, which had been rising and falling pretty quickly.

"YES!" I laughed breathlessly. I bounced on my feet as I panted. "I can't believe it! It actually worked!"

Wisdom was right there to scold me.

_Raven!_

"Okay okay," I said, resting with my hands over my knees. "I'm done. Let me breathe for a minute."

_Raven, you should not be using your powers like that._

"I'm sorry! I guess I got a little carried away." I still had a smile on my face.

_That kind of thinking can be dangerous, especially when your powers are needed._

"I know I know. I'll take care of it now."

_Raven?_

I immediately started to levitate and I adjusted myself into the lotus position. As I was preparing to meditate, I sensed Affection reaching out to me and I responded promptly. It sounded like it was important.

_Thank you, _she said at last. _It felt nice to be empowered like that._

"I guess none of you ever get a chance to speak out, huh?"

_No,_ she answered sadly. _But we understand. It's like with Rage; if you get too mad, or too sad, or even too happy, you'll unleash one of us and we'll be as free as we could ever be. It feels good for us but Wisdom is right‒it's also dangerous. You need all of us to be stable and without that kind of balance, we'll all topple together._

"I just wish there was something I could do to help," I said, staring down at my hands. "I can't imagine what it would be like for you, being in Nevermore and always being suppressed by me. It feels like you never get to be yourselves."

_We ARE ourselves, Raven,_ exclaimed Brave. _We're part of you and you're us!_

"I know, but I want to help everyone. Meditating to keep you under control and restraining my emotions seems hurtful sometimes."

_We wish there was another way,_ Wisdom told me somberly. _But it is the way things are. We must follow the natural order and we accept our fate. Just, please, be mindful of us in the future. We will not always be dormant._

"You don't have to tell me twice."

I had always thought that my biggest concern had been Rage. Obviously, my anger was the worst emotion to show and I had to be very careful with my frustration. Though, I couldn't help but think about how bad it would be to show the other emotions I have. Being courageous isn't exactly a crime, but I also knew it was risky to summon all of Brave's power; the same goes for any of my other Emoticlones. I guess it surprised me how even a good feeling could be bad for me, especially when I had been so convinced that Rage was my only enemy. I use my Emoticlones to my advantage and yet, they can still be a weakness. I needed that balance and although my dark energy has rarely changed colors, I had a feeling that even an emotion like Happy could destroy me.

If I wasn't careful, who knew if _any_ of them could destroy me?

* * *

**Author's Note:** Now, just a heads up for the future; I been doing a lot of planning lately and the plot line is almost entirely written. If everything goes well, there should be a total of 70 chapters. Chapter 69 will conclude the story but Chapter 70 will be the epilogue and following that will be my final Author's Note. In that, I'll explain my story a little more and I'll thank you guys again for reading it. I really want this published (personally published, of course) but I have a lot of work to do. I really hope I can finish this before I go off to college so I'll just keep writing and updating on the two week schedule. Until then, thanks for reading and I hope you guys enjoy the last of your summer! :)


	35. Another Skin

**Author's Note: **Hi guys. So, due to a certain comment, I decided to post a little explanation:

Yes, I _know_ the story can be boring. Trust me; it took hell to write some of the chapters and writer's block was very common for me. To be honest, ANYONE who got past the Book One (Chapters 1-27) deserved like a million dollars. I absolutely HATE the beginning of this story. I hate it. That's it. The chapters were long and tedious to write because I was trying to make every chapter at least 5,000 words. I made long descriptions, I used this high-end vocabulary when it wasn't needed, and I tried my very best to lengthen ANYTHING I could find. Yeah, I really hate these chapters. I almost wanted to stop and re-do these altogether. But there's a reason why I didn't.

I believe I was going into my Sophomore year when I started planning _Amnesia_. Back then, my goal was to have EVERYTHING put into one fic. I wanted mystery and action! Romance and adventure! I tried putting everything together in this monster fic and I had everything planned out. I remember being so excited to get to the good parts, like when Raven tries running away and Beast Boy stops her, or when she leaves the Tower and she's attacked, or her first kiss with Beast Boy. But none of it was in the beginning because I wanted to _build_ the story and not tell you guys all at once. It could be so easy to tell you what happened, but I was saving it for a finale of sorts. Although there were hints, the true story of what happened before Raven's amnesia hasn't been revealed yet and Book Two is just getting started. This is probably what NightWalker was also talking about; I was lengthening it way too much and they seemed to think I didn't know this.

Believe me, Book One is boring. (Just read the summaries and move on with it!) And the reason why I'm not rewriting it was because I made that over a year ago and it'll probably take another year to finish this. I've changed a lot since then, and I'll probably change even more after this chapter! Look at the word count! Look at the number of chapter breaks I have been putting in! See when I started using dashes more often! This story won't be a flawless masterpiece but I think the change will be noticeable.

And that's why I am so happy to have readers like you guys. I appreciate the support and the comments very much. I always ask for comments and I got one. I could just delete my one bad review, but I won't. I approved it. I'm going to keep writing _Amnesia_ and I'm going to change but I'm not changing _because_ of this. I'll change myself for the better.

**A Previous Summary: **Beast Boy and Raven spend the morning on the roof. While watching the sunrise, the two start a conversation. They start talking about what Raven was like before her amnesia and what she's like now. Raven notes the changes and she also recognizes how her feelings for Beast Boy has changed as well. Even though it seemed like Beast Boy wanted it the most, Raven was the one who made the move. Afterwards, Raven took some time off to practice her abilities. Her Emoticlones were still excited about Raven's first _real_ kiss with Beast Boy and this caused Affection to fluctuate. Raven was happy about her feat but Wisdom scolded her behavior, knowing it was dangerous to exploit a singular emotion at one time. She did agree with her most intelligent Emoticlone, though Wisdom's advice surprised her: Raven had never thought that any emotion except for Rage could harm her.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 35: _Another Skin_

I was still practicing in the Gym when I sensed the arrival of my friends. They had parked the T-car in the garage not too long ago and afterwards, they boarded an elevator that would take them to the top of the Tower. I was already excited about the successful training session so I was even more eager to tell someone about it. Instead of using the stairs, I phased through several levels of flooring and I flew towards the Titans with great speed. They had just exited the elevator and they were traveling down the corridor as a group when I joined them. I think I scared Cyborg because he jumped when I appeared to greet them, apparently out of thin air.

"Hey! How'd it go?"

"Not bad!" said Robin, after he and Beast Boy had mocked Cyborg enough to satisfy themselves.

"Yeah, things went pretty well," said Beast Boy. "And I can tell Cy worked hard too 'cause he looks exhausted."

"Give it a rest, Beast Boy. He obviously needs some time to catch his breath."

"Alright, you guys had your fun," the mechanical man lectured them. "Keep talking like that and I'll have another heart-attack."

The boys all laughed at their lame jokes. Being confused, I exchanged a glance with Starfire and she responded with a shrug and a look that read _It must be a quality of the males._ She had been quiet during the conversation and she didn't speak up until our chatter had died down. She only meant to address Robin and everyone else respected that, knowing how sensitive the tangerine girl could be during important matters.

"Robin?"

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to thank you for what you did for me. When Adonis had me, I could not free myself. I had struggled against him but his strength seemed undefeatable. It _hurt_, Robin, and I would not have been able to escape if you had not helped me. I am thankful for the assistance, and I am proud of you as well."

Robin laughed lightly. "Thanks, Star. But I wouldn't be here today without your help so today I was just returning the favor. It's really you I should be thanking."

Starfire dropped her gaze to the floor and smiled. She held onto Robin's arm and leaned into him as they walked down the hallway. Robin supported her easily and he didn't seem to mind either, despite his condition a couple days ago. Together, it seemed like one of those kind of actions that only couples would do. I really admired them. They were a great pairing and, being reminded of my current relationship with Beast Boy, it made me wonder how it all began for them.

Unknowingly at the time, there was a trend among our relationships: they both had been sparked by an unexpected kiss.

"Let's go someplace quiet for us to talk," Robin insisted to Starfire. He then turned to the rest of us. "We can catch up with you guys later. Is that okay?"

"No problem," said Cyborg. "We'll just meet up for lunch in an hour or something. That should give us enough time."

As soon as the alien agreed, Robin politely escorted Starfire down another hallway. Cyborg then excused himself to a bathroom, meaning Beast Boy and I were the only ones that remained. We headed towards the Main Ops room together, not really sure on what to do. Beast Boy went over to the couch and I followed him, hoping I wasn't a bother. I needed to encourage a conversation.

"From what I heard, it sounds like you kicked a lot of butt."

_Nice job breaking the ice, _snickered Rude, which only seemed to make me feel even more awkward.

"It was nothing," Beast Boy replied. He seemed amused by my statement but he didn't mention it. "We do it all the time. Besides, they caught me in a bad mood."

I gingerly took a seat on the couch next to Beast Boy. However, I wasn't seated close enough to initiate any romantic advancements. I didn't want Beast Boy to think that I didn't want to sit close with him‒because I did‒but I also didn't want him thinking that getting close with him and doing these romantic things were all that I wanted to do all the time. I thought I was doing the right thing in waiting for Beast Boy to make the first move, yet there was a downside: he could've easily read my hesitation as a sign of withdrawal and assume that I would reject him if he tried anything. I guess it made things more complicated between us.

"So, what were you doing while we were gone?" Beast Boy inquired at last.

"You should've seen what I could do," I answered in remembrance. "It was always hard for me to get that kind of power. I had to be careful with my emotions and I constantly meditated to keep them in check. But, when I was with you, something happened. My emotions somehow _fluctuated_ and then I was able to use that to my advantage. I feel stronger, Beast Boy. I feel more confident than I've ever been with my powers. Being with you really opened me up."

"I'm really happy to hear that," he said. "This could be big for you."

"It's because of us," I insisted. "This wouldn't have happened if things between us were different. You really changed me for the better, Beast Boy."

The green changeling took this into consideration. We both looked away, either staring down at the floor or distracting ourselves with the view outside the grand windows. It must have taken Beast Boy so much courage to speak up once again. Only this time, he had to be careful with his word choice if he were ever to persuade me.

"You know, if you ask me, I think this means now you're more than ready to finish what you started with Robin."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You should go talk to him," he went on. "Today is as good of a day as any."

"What? Now?"

"Yeah! It shouldn't be too hard, right? If you meditate a little and you concentrate really hard, I'm sure things will go smoother than last time."

"Even if I am ready, there's no way Robin would be."

"That's not true!" Beast Boy pleaded.

"No! I can't do that to him."

"Why not?"

"Look, I _am_ happy to see Robin back to normal, but...going up to him, when he _just_ got better, and asking him if he'd do it again would be a horrible thing to do! Doesn't he need more time to rest?"

"Raven, have you _seen_ him? When we go out on missions, he takes the reins and leads the whole operation. The only thing he wants to do is run around and say those stupid catchphrases, even with Star telling him to slow down. He _wants_ things to be back to normal. Finishing this would be another step in the right direction."

"I can't," I exclaimed defiantly. "I won't do it."

"Don't worry! I already talked to him about it and he says it's fine."

"You told him?!" I shrieked. "Beast Boy!"

"Hey! It's okay! He's not mad, I swear!"

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him how you've been practicing very hard and how much you've been improving with your powers. When I told him how proud I was, Robin said he was still hoping he could try working with you again. He knows it's important, Raven, and he doesn't want you waiting too long. He's ready for you."

"Robin would be furious if I came up to him now," I argued. "After everything he's been through, he'd be crazy to let me endanger his life again."

"He trusts you, Raven. He knows you won't do that to him."

"But I don't trust myself! If I mess up again, Robin would never forgive me."

"He won't do that to you. I know he wouldn't."

"Beast Boy…"

"You can't hold yourself back on this, Raven," he said hotly. "You started it and now you hafta finish it. If you keep pushing it off, you'll never get it right."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I have faith in you. Because I know you can do this and you seem to be the only one who thinks you can't. Maybe you should have some faith in yourself too."

He did have a valid point and I hated to admit it. Beast Boy was only trying to encourage me to continue this dangerous practice, though I was being stubborn. Hurting Robin was the last thing I wanted to do so I was ready to avoid the ability entirely if it was required. However, part of me wanted to fulfill this goal. If I could possess Robin, then I would have a wider range of abilities. My soul-self is a mysterious force that could interact and interface with many things. Since my powers are linked to my amnesia, this could also play a major factor in regaining my memory. It was in my best interest to talk to Robin‒and I knew that‒but I was delayed because of my own ignorance.

"Well, I still can't do it," I informed Beast Boy. "I'm very busy."

"With what?" he challenged me with an exasperated laugh.

"I have books to read and spells that I wanted to do and I didn't even finish practicing anyway so I can't go see Robin. I probably won't be free again for a while."

"Oh c'mon. Doing spells? That's not gonna help you when you're fighting bad guys."

"Whatever. It's still important for me to learn."

"You're not seriously gonna hold off on this, are you?" he asked.

To further support my claim, I even neglected to attend the huge meal that Cyborg had been excited to prepare.

* * *

When I knocked on Robin's door, I didn't expect an immediate answer. It had been two days since I had argued with Beast Boy about whether or not I would go see Robin and, after hours and hours of procrastination, I finally gave in. The door slid open moments later and Robin was standing in the doorway, wearing a proud smile. If I didn't know any better, I wouldn't have assumed that he had been waiting there the whole time.

"It took you long enough," he chuckled.

Robin invited me into his dojo-themed bedroom and the door was sealed behind us. I had never been into his room before and I never thought I would ever be in it either. I knew each bedroom of the Tower had an equal area but Robin had arranged things in such a way that it made his bedroom look wider and more spacious than mine. The walls were painted a warm, summer color and the large window was partly opened, filtering fresh air and natural light into the room. I felt like a welcomed guest as I walked inside; whoever entered my room must've felt like they've been cursed to endure eternal damnation.

"Beast Boy told you, didn't he?"

"Yeah, and you can't blame him," said Robin. "You never would've showed up on your own."

"I just needed time," I explained. "You needed time. You were out for days because of what happened last time and I wasn't ready to do it all over again. I still don't think I'm ready…"

Robin placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. I was already getting choked up and I didn't want Robin to see me like this, especially when I was about to be trusted to do a deadly feat. I was ushered across the room to two, circular cushions on the floor. Robin talked to me as we took a seat and faced each other.

"Raven, you know why we're doing this, right?" I nodded solemnly. "It's to help you, to make you a better Titan. We don't want to force you to do anything, but this isn't something you can ignore either. The sooner we get this done, the easier it'll be and I'm sure you'll be happy when it's over too."

"I don't want to hurt you again," I told him. "That's the one thing that concerns me: it doesn't have to be you."

"It _has_ to be me," he reiterated quite clearly. "We have a connection already. Once you understand it through me, you can do it to anything, or anyone. Isn't that what you want?"

"I don't want to learn this so I can possess whoever I want. I just want to know that I can do this. I want to do it and then never use it on anyone else ever again."

"And that's okay. You might need this skill so it's best to learn it now and get it out of the way."

"But to do that, I'll have to possess you," I reminded him.

"Don't worry about me."

"I always worry."

"We're doing this for you, Raven, so you don't have to feel bad. It's gonna hurt me more if you don't do this," he teased.

"But what if I do hurt you?" I asked. "What if I need help?"

"Look, everyone else knows about this. They're ready to respond at the first sight of trouble but I told them not to come here because I thought it would make you nervous. If it's seriously too painful for me, I'll let you know. I'll tap out and we'll try it again next time. No problem, so just breathe, relax; it's not that bad."

"Okay okay. We'll try it again, but you have to let me meditate first."

"Alright. And remember," he lectured. "This isn't something you'll get right away. It's something we'll have to do in baby-steps so you can get the hang of it. Don't try to do everything all at once."

"Fine, but you have to tell me if I'm hurting you. Don't try to hide it either because I can sense it."

Robin laughed nervously at this but he did agree.

With our eyes closed, we adopted similar postures: our legs were folded and our hands rested on our knees. The only difference was that I floated effortlessly above my cushion and Robin remained seated. Together, we repeated my mantra in monotone. We instructed ourselves to inhale and exhale in synchronous formation, making it easier to coax myself in a calmer state of mind. It didn't take long for my Emoticlones to be suppressed and, using their representations as energy, I was able to access my soul.

The familiar sensation of being torn from my humane vessel gave me the chills. Having successfully done this only one other time, I was still fairly new to this technique. It was definitely easier than last time and I was getting faster results as well. However, I waited until I felt the last fragment of my soul-self rise into the air before I dared to open my eyes to a vexing perspective. I slid into Robin's body with ease.

"Woah! Didn't know you were out yet," he said with a forced laugh.

_I'm sorry. I just wanted to get started right away._

It didn't take very long for the full effects to commence. Robin was trying his hardest to remain static and silent as I worked but I could sense his distress. Our souls were intertwining within such a small space, pushing and pulling against each other like waves against the shore. Robin would wince whenever I tried to move and his limbs were starting to spasm. He had to constrict his hands to prevent his fingers from twitching.

"Okay, I'm gonna ask you to stop now," Robin told me through clenched teeth. "I really don't want things going South so we better stop."

I hadn't been inside Robin for more than 5 minutes and a lot had happened already. While I had been busy fighting against Robin's spirit, I was noticing how over time, it was actually retreating. As it backed away from me, I was able to fill the metaphysical void with my own soul. Everything seemed to be working perfectly, except Robin begged to differ.

"I'm not feeling too well anymore," he rasped. "I need you to stop."

_Can't you wait just a little longer?_ I reassured him.

"No, I- I can't. The pain…"

_I know it hurts. I feel it too, but I'm so close. If I leave now, I might not be able to do it again._

"They'll be plenty of other chances, Raven. I promise, but I can't right now."

_Don't worry. It shouldn't be too long._

"No, Raven. I'm not waiting. Stop!"

_Robin, I'm doing it. It's working._

"I need you to stop!"

_I'm almost done!_

"It shouldn't be hurting like this, Raven!" he shouted into the empty room. "Something must be wrong...I can't breathe…"

I knew something like this would happen again. No matter what I did, there seemed to be no way to win. If I did nothing, Robin's soul would instinctively expel me from its host. However, if I tried attacking in return, it would cause unbelievable pain to Robin. Despite these circumstances, something new had been happening. Robin's soul seemed to be shrinking as I fought against it. I could see an opportunity to possess Robin at last but I knew Robin would never let me keep going. That's why I had to take matters into my own hands.

_It will all be over soon. I promise._

"No! Raven, you're...you're making it worse! Stop! Please...stop! Ra-!"

With every fiber of my being, I willed myself to believe I could do it. Robin's cries were a factor of discouragement but they were soon replaced with violent grunts. I could tell that the masked boy was physically and mentally straining to cope with the pain. He stopped trying to speak because he couldn't focus very well. His lungs were hiccuping erratically and Robin couldn't muster any strength to get them working again. I knew I didn't have much time.

Even with all the commotion, I calmly took another step forward. I breathed into Robin and I sensed his body react. He was still fidgeting in his seat, though his movements were becoming duller, less coordinated. The thought of Robin silently suffocating made me panic. His body wasn't getting enough oxygen and he seemed to be losing consciousness fast but I forced myself to ignore it. I had to keep going.

His soul was becoming smaller and weaker, putting up very little resistance to my own soul. This was my only chance to act so I pushed harder and harder, feeling it recede against a force it couldn't fight. My soul was almost entirely manifested within Robin. If I kept going, I would surely gain full control over his body and that meant I would have finally achieved the goal that has haunted me for several weeks. I was ready to celebrate the victory when I noticed the problem. Robin's soul wasn't retreating within Robin at all: it had been escaping.

Since I had been neglecting Robin's condition, believing it was a distraction from our goal, I failed to notice what had been actually happening. Robin couldn't breathe because his soul had been leaving his body through his mouth. He was literally being choked by himself. The leader of the Titans didn't seem to understand why he couldn't breathe, which made him panic even more. All he could do was open his mouth and gag, a useless attempt of purging the invisible entity from his throat. What little breath he could obtain was wasted on saying my name.

Even if I was possessing someone, I knew that the victim still needed their own soul. Last time, I thought the only way to possess someone was to achieve total dominance within the individual. My goal was to possess Robin but I had been so focused on fighting Robin's soul that I realized it was only damaging him. Without it, Robin would be another empty carcass, unable to think, to breathe, to live. If his soul left his body, he might not be able to get it back again.

And it would be all my fault.

I was absolutely furious. My fictional mouth opened and I howled in misery, filling the void with a silent echo. With all my might, I reached through Robin's body and I grabbed a fistful of his fleeing spirit. As soon as I did, I watched as Robin's soul was absorbed into mine.

This was a contrasting sentiment than the one that Robin had been experiencing earlier. It wasn't exactly a type of pain; more of a discomfort, really. Instead, our souls were being joined together into a single force. The jet-black hue of my dark energy and Robin's pure, starlight soul materialized into a gorgeous silver pigment. I could feel myself being mixed into Robin, _becoming_ a part of him. Robin sucked in a huge breath of air as every last wisp of his soul had been saved and returned. Then his head drooped forward and he blacked out.

I had lost sight while conforming with Robin's soul. When my eyes opened again, I felt as though I had fallen asleep for centuries. It was a nauseating experience and I immediately noticed the pain in my chest and the putrid taste in my throat. Still confused, I started to get up. It was a struggle for me to stand and I nearly fell over again when I almost bumped into the person sitting across from me.

A girl with glowing, milk-white skin and purple hair was hovering motionlessly in the air. I made a startled noise but she never reacted to my genuine surprise. Her legs were crossed, her posture was strict, and she held a look of contempt concentration. It was even more unsettling when I realized that I was seeing myself from another perspective.

"Robin?"

_Raven?_

"Robin!?"

But I wasn't Raven. My voice didn't sound like _my_ voice. It sounded exactly like Robin's voice, but I was also hearing Robin mentally‒the _real_ Robin. He was somehow connected to my mind, just as I was connected to his body. We could interact telepathically, similar to the way I interact with my Emoticlones, but he couldn't to do anything else. Robin could only observe as his body assumed a new commander.

"I- I did it." I started to laugh. "Robin, I did it!"

Staggering back onto my‒I mean _Robin's_‒feet, I started walking around the room. I could tell that Robin had a stronger faculty in sight because his vision was much keener and clearer than mine. It was also different to see through a mask. I always thought it would make it harder to see where I was going but it obviously wasn't a problem to Robin. At one point, I was standing in front of the small mirror in Robin's closet. I started to reach for the domino-mask that shielded his eyes.

_Don't. Please._

I didn't say anything else on the subject.

"I can't believe it," I said. "Everything is just so different!"

_I can't believe it either. Look at you! You're me!_

"Check this out."

I lunged forward while sweeping my hand around the room. Normally, I would've expected to see my dark energy, but since I was now inhabiting a new cocoon of skin, I didn't have the same abilities. I could sense Robin laughing.

"My powers don't work anymore," I explained. "I can't fly or use my dark energy. I don't think Nevermore even exists!"

_Welcome to my world._

Running around the room had exhausted me. Not knowing what else to do, I collapsed back onto the cushion. I studied myself from afar and I wondered what it was like to be empty, to not have a soul. In Robin's case, it left him for dead while his soul wandered aimlessly among the spiritual plane. Since I was skilled in the art of astral projection, my body could withstand being hollow for quite some time. I only feared what would happen if I was separated from my body for too long.

_So, what happened in there?_ Robin asked me suddenly. _How did you figure it out?_

"Well, all this time, I had been fighting you from the inside-out. At one point, your soul started to escape out of your mouth and- Oh Azar! Robin! Are you okay?!"

_I can't feel anything, Raven. You tell me!_

"I'm so sorry about that. I didn't even realize when I was doing to you."

_Yeah, it was kinda scary. But you pulled through in the end. You figured it out._

"I thought the whole goal of this was to defeat you and take power by force, but now I realize that all I had to do was _join_ you and doing that is what made this all possible. Our souls combined into one and I became a part of you, just as like you're a part of me."

_It's like the connection we have,_ Robin said.

"Exactly like the connection we have."

If I could've seen Robin, I knew he would be smiling.

"It's just amazing!" I sang. "I can feel everything you feel! Your feelings and your thoughts! It's all part of me too! I'm-!"

My sentence stop short and this caught Robin's attention. I sat up a little more in my seat and slowly held up my hands, careful not to contact the body I was possessing. Despite being in Robin's body, I recognized the feeling. It was a mutual discomfort to either sexual character but I had no intention to assist Robin with anything so natural and so private.

"Uh, Robin?"

_Yeah?_

"You wouldn't have to...use the bathroom, would you?"

Robin was quiet for a moment: _You can feel-?_

"Yeah," I articulated quickly. "I feel it too."

_Do you think you could give me some privacy?_

"I won't even argue."

With my mantra being spoken again, I was able to withdraw my soul-self from Robin's body and submerse it back into mine. We both stirred into consciousness, weary-eyed and groggy. Robin ran a hand over his face and I heaved myself to my own feet.

"Wow," was all the masked boy could say.

I used my powers to heal the area around his neck. He told me his throat was still dry and it was hard for him to swallow, but the pain had greatly improved. Robin joked he would feel much better after a trip to the bathroom and a glass of water.

We heard frantic knocking on the door a few moments later. After giving me a confused glance, Robin ran over to answer it. The room became a lot more crowded as the other Titans entered.

"Robin." Cyborg reeled a bit when he saw Robin open the door. "It's you. Man, are you alright?"

Cyborg's question wasn't answered though. Starfire emerged from the group of Titans and she attacked Robin with an urgent hug. It took Robin by surprise.

"Ow! Starfire, It's okay. I'm fine, see?"

"We were all so afraid," she explained woefully. "Please, what had been the trouble?"

"We heard you dudes yelling and we've been knocking on the door ever since!" Beast Boy told us. "We thought someone got hurt. Cy even brought the gurney over here."

"I guess we didn't hear you until now," I admitted. "I'm sorry if we scared you."

"Man! What were you guys doing in here?!" Cyborg demanded. "I was ready to beat down this door!"

"But then then we heard you laughing," Beast Boy added. "And you were talking to yourself too."

"Actually...that was me," I chuckled.

"That was YOU?" the pea-green boy exploded. "Wait, so you were _inside_ Robin?!"

"Yup, that was her," Robin boasted.

"No way! Raven, that's so cool!"

"Thanks," I said. "I'm really happy about it too. It wasn't easy, but it was definitely worth it."

"Well?" Cyborg pressed on. "What was it like? Did it feel weird?"

"How about I try it on you and you can see for yourself?"

Everyone started disagreeing all at once. They backed away and were making horrible excuses to why I shouldn't ever try to possess them. I laughed because I could truly sense their fear. The one that stood out to me the most had been Beast Boy; he even blushed at the thought of me being inside of him.

"I don't know about you guys but I'm celebrating," said Cyborg.

"Oh, yes!" gushed the tangerine girl. "We shall celebrate the victory with only the most glorious of foods."

"You guys better be talking about pizza," I warned them.

"We wouldn't leave out pizza for the world," replied Beast Boy.

"Don't eat anything without me!" Robin announced. "I gotta use the bathroom first!"

* * *

**Author's Note: **One last reminder: yes, this story will be long. Think of it as Harry-Potter-long, but there's only two Books and my writing is not as good as Rowling's. Besides, I doubt anyone would like this over Harry Potter because even I like Harry Potter over this :) Anyways, thank you so much for reading and bearing with me. I will take the comment into mind and I'll try my best to keep the story moving. I'll post again in two weeks so I can get working. And if you have anything else to say then let me know :) Thank you!


	36. High Levels

**Author's Note: **I'm not kidding. It can be hard to write sometimes. I was writing this up until the deadline and I'm glad I can publish it now :) Thanks again for the kind comments and enjoy the chapter!

**A Previous Summary:** Beast Boy tried everything he could do to convince Raven to posses Robin again. She had learned about what happens when she gives power to an Emoticlone and this worries her, especially since possessing Robin would be a danger to both him and herself. In the end, Raven does agree and she confronts Robin. It takes a lot of time to learn and adjust to new methods before she can successfully possess Robin. The Titans want to celebrate Raven's success and they're happy that she was able to accomplish her goal after so much time has passed. For once, Raven feels a lot better about herself and she even considers if there's other things she could accomplish as well.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 36: _High Levels_

The rest of the day was much more reassuring. In the last few hours of daylight, yeast rose and molten cheese bubbled in the oven. Waiting for the timer to go off, the Titans and I hung out on the couch. Starfire was playing against Cyborg and the competition was stiff. Previously, the mechanical man seemed positive that he would win against the tangerine girl and now he was looking nervous.

Sitting next to Beast Boy, I watched as Cyborg tried to unsuccessfully wipe out Starfire's car. Each time he turned, Starfire was forced to steer in the opposite direction. It was dangerous to be offensive in this game and Starfire primarily played defense. She hadn't crashed the car once and her vehicle still looked brand new while Cyborg's car had been beaten and battered. Robin and I rooted for the rookie while Beast Boy stayed loyal to his best friend.

"C'mon, Cy. You can take her! Just turn...turn that way. Yeah that's good. That'll throw her off."

"Pipe down, Grass Stain and let me drive!"

In the final lap, Starfire gained speed from a powerup. Cyborg left bombs in her path and she had to swerve to avoid them, costing her the inside of the turn. With the extra space between the cars, that gave Cyborg enough time to put it into gear. He crossed the finish line and there was a collective groan, aside from a triumphant yelp from Cyborg.

"Dude, I can't believe you almost lost that one."

"Thanks for the support, BB," Cyborg replied sarcastically.

"It was a nice race, Starfire," said Robin. "You did great."

"But I do not understand," the alien insisted. "I had been the better operator of the vehicle, yes?"

"What do you mean?"

"I believe the phrase is: _slow and steady wins the race, _and surely that is what I had done. So should I not be the victor?"

"Well, yeah, but that's not really the point," Robin apologized. "The point is to beat the other person across the finish line, even if the car is all messed up."

"Sorry 'bout that, Star," said Cyborg. "Maybe another time."

Not too much longer after that, the timer went off and the competition was brought to an unfortunate end. Starfire and I helped set the table while Cyborg sliced the pizza; he was also guarding it from Beast Boy, who stood by his side and frequently tried to steal a piece. Robin poured fresh lemonade into our cups and then everyone scattered to their seats for the much-anticipated meal.

"You think you could possess this slice of pizza?" Beast Boy said to me, wiggling his eyebrows.

"I don't even want to find out," I retorted.

"Please. Friend Raven, may you pass the butter of peanuts?" asked a concerned Starfire. "This particular slice of the pizza is quite dry."

The pizza shrank on the platter as everyone satisfied themselves. Gradually, we started to talk again because our mouths were no longer occupied with food. Cyborg brought up the topic of my achievement today and I set the remains of my pizza back onto my plate. The Titans didn't need to hear from Beast Boy to know that I was dreading the lesson. Of course, they didn't want to upset me, but it was something that needed to be worked out. I explained it as best as I could and it wasn't really convincing, but they all respected what I had to say.

"I hated doing it," Robin told me suddenly.

"You mean being the one I had to possess?"

"No. It wasn't even that. It was the pressuring you I hated. You always seemed so down on yourself and I wanted so badly to show you what I saw, how much you've improved and how well you were doing. I feel bad about it because I know how much you hated it, but it was the only way to get you to do it."

"And Robin is not the one to blame," Starfire announced. "For I also feel the guilt for what we had done to assist you."

"You guys didn't have to do any of this," I laughed nervously. "I didn't know you felt so bad about it. I would've done something."

"No no, don't say that," said Cyborg. "There's nothing you should feel bad about."

The Titans wanted nothing more than for me to get better. Since my powers were linked to my amnesia, they believed that my training could be vital towards my lost memories. Just like a tiny piece fitting into a puzzle, one little thing could make the whole situation clearer. But when I expressed my disinterest in possession, they knew that negligence would only harm me. Their "encouragement" wasn't the best remedy, but it did work. I had been severely conflicted with myself and their support gave me the confidence I needed to complete my goal. I was simply ecstatic: I felt like I could run across the country, defeat an army of villains, and kiss Beast Boy all at the same time.

The only downside: I still didn't have my memories.

The puzzle piece we had been searching for wasn't as important as we had hoped it would be and that could mean a few things: either we were missing something or something has yet to be discovered.

Although we had been slowly building up to a conclusion, I'm sure everyone was afraid of what we would find once everything clicked into place.

"This better not be an apology," I warned them all.

"Do you want it to be?" asked Beast Boy.

"No. I don't."

"Alright, then I'm sorry."

"I know you are," I answered softly.

* * *

Even though possession was one of the last few tricks I needed to learn, I still had a lot of practice ahead of me. There were all sorts of skills and techniques that I could do with astral projection so I wanted to get the most out of it. The next morning, while everyone slept in late, Robin got up early to do some research. He walked into the Main Ops room to brew a cup of coffee, only to see that the machine was already running.

"Hey," he said, catching himself. "Shouldn't you be getting some rest?"

"I was about to say the same thing to you," I replied.

When Robin asked me why I was already up, I told him about how I felt with my powers. Before going to bed, I practiced accessing my soul-self several more times. By my fifth attempt, I was getting faster at removing myself from my body and I could do it by the mere mention of my mantra. Robin was impressed by my dedication but he wondered why I took the liberty of waking up during sunrise.

"I had been thinking about the obstacle course all night and I really want to give it another try. If I put these skills to the test, I can get better and better at it."

"You really wanna do the obstacle course now?"

"Yeah. I want to start doing it regularly too, just like you guys."

"It has been a while," Robin noted. "And it wouldn't be a bad thing to have you run through it for old time's sake."

"So?" I urged him.

"Alright alright," he laughed. "I'll help you but we'll do it after I get some work done, okay?"

"Okay! Whenever you're ready!"

Over an hour passed before Robin had a free schedule again. Whatever he had been doing on the home computer, I could tell it was very serious business; though, it was strange to see him furiously pecking into the keyboard while maintaining a blank expression. Not wanting to bother the leader of the Titans, I decided to stake out in my bedroom, occupying myself with my Book of Azar. I was just finishing a large section of reading when I heard several taps on my door.

"We better get going before the weather turns on us," he called to me. "You coming or what?"

Together, we traveled down to the obstacle course and quickly took to our positions. I shivered in the morning air. The grass was speckled with dew and the skies were congested with grey clouds, warning us of an impending storm. I was wearing athletic shorts and a t-shirt but I immediately regretted my fashion choice; a jacket would've made my training a lot more comfortable. While Robin tinkered with the settings, I stretched my muscles and communicated with my Emoticlones, who were aware of the upcoming event. Everything was all set.

_Set it to Level 4,_ I told Robin through our mental link.

Reluctantly, the masked boy smiled and obeyed.

"Alright. You know the drill," he said over the microphone. "Do your best."

Overall, I was very proud of what I did in the obstacle course. Robin gave me plenty of challenges to work with and I fought my way through it with vigor. I think my favorite part was when I faced this giant machine, a new addition to the advanced level. Instead of a bunch of enemies scattered throughout the entire field, there was a metal dome with a bunch of mechanical hoses sprouting from beneath it. They slithered along the ground like snakes and they tried on multiple occasions to pull me down from my flight‒this was also one of the few times Robin permitted me to levitate.

After destroying a few of its tentacles, I came up with a solution. I encased myself in a sphere of dark energy and I folded my legs. Outside the translucent barrier, the hoses began to coil around the sphere and once they got a good enough grip, the hoses became taut and they started pulling me towards the dome. The machine hissed and it split apart, creating an opening. The gap opened and closed violently, demanding for a bloody meal. Of course, if I ever got to that point, the course would automatically stop the simulation so that I wouldn't get hurt. However, this was meant to be a realistic situation: if the Titans had faced a villain similar to this, it would be best to defeat it as if it were such.

While being dragged closer and closer to the chomping mouth, I managed to keep my calm. I folded my legs and mediated, although I was sure to be quick. My soul-self was extracted and it glided past the hoses that swarmed my real body. Then I flew straight into the machine. It rumbled as I messed with its inner mechanisms, trying to find its weaknesses. Just as my spherical shield was moments away from being crushed, the entire thing ignited into an explosion.

Robin shielded his eyes from the burst of energy. Sparks burst from the wreckage until it ultimately lost power and settled into darkness. Once the smoke had cleared, Robin saw that my dark-energy sphere was still intact, but my body hadn't moved yet. He was ready to shut down the course and rush to aid, but my soul-self emerged from the wreckage not a moment later and I awoke with a triumphant hollar.

I finished the race with a huge smile: my last score was defeated by over a minute. I then flew up to the control booth where Robin congratulated me. He also complimented the way I surpassed the first obstacle with ease. Apparently, it had taken each of the Titans several tries to take it down and I did it in my first attempt. I was glowing with pride.

"You really are getting better and better that this."

"It was almost too easy," I laughed. "But I can't believe how I was able to do that!"

"Well just you wait. You may be able to do these courses faster, but that's 'cause they're easier. Try going the same pace on Level 8."

"I know I know. I got a lot of work to do."

"Not really," he replied, cutting power to the superhero playground. "I'm sure it will be smooth sailing, so long as you keep up with practice."

Robin and I walked back to the Tower in high spirits. When we reached the elevator, he told me he had some other businesses to take care of and I complied, knowing that he had already postponed so much to do something for me. I watched him board the elevator, fiddling with his T-communicator before the doors shut and he was carried away to another floor. Instead of waiting for it to come back, I became intangible and flew up several levels to the Main Ops room.

The pea-green boy was the only Titan in there. He didn't hear me enter because the volume to the video game he was playing was very high. Not wanting to make a big scene, I plopped down on the couch next to him, being sure to rest my feet on Beast Boy's lap. I watched him smirk as he recognized the origin of the gesture.

"Where have you been all morning?" he asked, his eyes still glazed to his game.

"Just practicing a little," I answered with a shrug.

"Wait, don't tell me‒that explosion we heard was 'cause of you."

"I can see you've discovered the trend."

It grew quiet between us. I didn't know what else to say and neither did Beast Boy, so I accepted the silence. I observed the green changeling as he played his game. The glass was darkened and the projection screen was the only source of light in the cavernous room. Outside the windows, rain drummed against Titans Tower, gaining speed as a storm migrated into the city. Beast Boy's face was outlined in the ghostly illumination and my eyes traced his features, from his ears, his nose, and eventually to his concentrated lips. I tried not to stare but I couldn't help myself. Even if Beast Boy was aware of this, he didn't mention it.

"Oh, that reminds me." Out of nowhere, Beast Boy quickly paused his game and then he turned to face me. I sat up a little straighter so he could address me properly. "I gotta tell you something."

"What is it?" I insisted.

"It's important so come here."

Questioning his motive, I scooted a little closer to Beast Boy and informed him that I was listening. He beckoned me again and at this, I huffed a sigh.

"Beast Boy…"

"C'mon!" he whined like an irritated child. "Closer, Raven!"

"I can hear you fine, just tell me."

"Not until you get over here."

"I _am_ here! And no one else is here either! What is so important that you need to whisper it?"

"Closer!"

Reluctantly, I leaned toward Beast Boy's face, anticipating the "important" information he wanted to share. He had cupped his hand near his mouth, as if to tell a secret, but I was so distracted by his urgency that I didn't have any time to consider if I should've trusted him. Sure enough, Beast Boy suddenly closed the gap between our faces and he sealed my lips with a kiss. He then pulled away quickly so he could view my bewildered expression. I had plastered my hand over my mouth as a vain attempt to hide my surprise.

"Beast Boy." He started to laugh. I tried to refrain from smiling, even though I could sense my Emoticlones erupting into cheers and applause. "Beast Boy! Oh Azar, you scared me!"

"Sorry," he snickered but I knew he genuinely meant it. "I just didn't know how to break the tension."

"Well that's one way to do it."

"You should've seen your face. It was priceless."

"Yeah," I chuckled, growing quiet. "I guess it was."

I had studied this transition for ages. Normally, I had grown accustomed to identifying the quirks in my moods. If Timid or Brave wanted attention, I would've sensed it, but this moment was so brief, so acute in size, that it basically went by undetected. At the time, I didn't even think about what I had been feeling; I couldn't explain the urge I felt but I acted with so little consideration. The next thing I knew, my eyes were closed and my mouth was pressed into a pair of sage lips.

When I had first kissed him, Beast Boy reciprocated the action in a similar manner. However, as time wore on, he showed signs of hesitation. A few times, he backed away slightly, just so he could take a breath, but I never gave him enough time. Each kiss progressed in speed and and excelled in force and I didn't want to wait too long for the next one.

"Rae, I-"

It sounded like Beast Boy was going to ask me to stop but he couldn't finish his sentence. He moaned as I leaned into him, kissing him on the the edges of his lips, his jaw line, and even around his neck. My senses were going wild. I could _feel_ his body reacting to these kisses, _feel_ his mind igniting with hectic emotions. I swarmed him with intimacy, almost offending him by how close I wanted to be.

"Slow down, Raven."

"I don't want to," I intoned.

"Raven...please."

But I didn't stop kissing him. I pushed a little harder into him, my chest now in contact with his torso. I returned to his lips, using my hands to guide his face towards mine. I started going deeper and he followed my lead, though he didn't make any dominate advancements. At last, Beast Boy puckered his mouth and gently eased me away from him.

"It's not really you, is it?"

At first, I didn't understand what he meant. I was only kissing him so it seemed random that we would ask such a strange question. However, as I thought about why Beast Boy would ask me something like that, I realized soon enough what he had meant.

_No…_

I stood up abruptly, putting as much space as I could between me and the pea-green boy. I couldn't even look at him. I could sense his concern for me, his confusion, and his need for answers. It would've been painful to see the disappointment in his eyes, to see the disappointment he had in me.

In truth, I knew what had happened, though I wanted to know why.

"Raven, I didn't mean to-"

Before Beast Boy could console me, I was gone with a flash of my eldritch powers.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I really don't have any news about _Amnesia_ other than it's taking a little longer than normal for me to write them. But no worries. I'll keep updating every 2 weeks. I might plan on having a break during my finals though because my classes are getting harder so I'll need to put more time into school. As of the moment, I should be fine :) Hope to see you guys soon!


	37. What's true about Love?

**Author's Note:** Okay! New chapter! It's kinda long, so I really hope no one is mad about it. There's still so many chapters to write so I'm thinking I could condense some of them: just a little heads-up. Things are going okay for me but they could be better, thanks for asking, and I hope things are going well for everybody too. Keep on reading, I'll keep on writing, and we'll keep this story going :) Enjoy!

**A Previous Summary: **In celebration of Raven's success, the Titans get together for an evening of games and food. Raven is still has so much to learn about her powers, even with her accomplishment, so she is determined to keep practicing. The next morning, she gets up early and asks Robin if she could be timed in the course again. Her run through the course was very successful, which brightens her mood and leads Robin to consider if Raven is ready for other challenges. Back in the Main Ops room, Raven meets up with the green changeling. She watches him play video games and they play around a little, which ultimately compels Raven to kiss Beast Boy. Because Raven was pressuring Beast Boy too much, he pulled away, noticing that it was a strange thing for her to do. When he asks Raven if it really was her and not one of her Emoticlones, Raven realizes the problem and she vanishes.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 37: _What's true about love?_

"You guys better be hearing this," I said once I was alone in my room. "When I'm ready, I expect everyone to show themselves to me."

Wisdom was the first to answer: _Raven, now is not the ideal time to be communicating. The anger you are experiencing could be a danger._

"I don't care! I want answers and I want them now!"

With the door locked and the shades drawn, I furiously assembled the _Mirroring Dimensions_ ritual. The black sand was hastily poured and a crude ring, fashioned from candles, was set accordingly. A spell that I recited from memory caused their wicks to kindle and they cried wax tears as I retrieved my demonic mirror.

"Show yourselves," I barked into the darkness. Hesitantly, a pair of yellow eyes appeared in the smoggy glass. "I need to talk to Affection. Where is she?"

"She cannot see you."

"That's not your decision to make."

"And you cannot demand for Affection to speak with you."

"I have every reason to talk to her," I clarified. "And I know she's in there. I can make her come out."

"You can talk to me, Raven. I am sure there is a way I could help you."

"No! I don't need your help. I need to talk to Affection myself!" I snapped. "So unless you want me to summon Rage, tell me where is she!"

Wisdom seemed defiant against my orders. She would've continued to refuse too if nobody had intervened with her. I sensed the mental interruption in Nevermore and briefly, the mirror went quiet. I prodded the silence for an answer and, at last, the glass illuminated once more. The swirling smoke settled, revealing a pair of violet irises.

"Raven, before you get mad at me, I need you to understand-"

"You're such a coward," I spat at the mirror.

"No..."

"You did all of this‒mess with my mind, play with my emotions‒just so you could _get close_ to Beast Boy. He has done everything for us and this is what you do to him?"

"No! That's not it!"

"I can't believe you." I tried my best to refrain from choking. The words tumbled out of my mouth as my eyes started to swell. "I can't believe what you made me do to him. I never would've done that!"

"No harm was intended," said Wisdom, once the eyes changed once again.

"But I wasn't even trying to use my powers and she still took over me. I don't even remember what I was thinking. I don't even remember if I wanted to do that or not. I'm starting to lose my mind…"

"Raven, we are still here. You have not lost us."

"You know what I mean, Wisdom. You saw what I did."

"Raven, please stop!"

At the moment, Timid was feeling the full effects of my sadness, or maybe she was the cause of it all; I'm not really sure I could tell a difference. Either way, I started to sob and Affection felt horrible to watch me break down. She kept pleading with me to hear her out but, somehow, I knew whatever she had to say would only upset me more.

"You humiliated me, Affection," I told her in a quivering voice. "It was all your fault. Beast Boy must hate me…"

"I didn't mean to embarrass you!" she cried.

"Then what were you thinking? What was _I_ thinking?!"

"I- I don't know! I was just so fond over Beast Boy that I wanted to kiss him. You wanted to kiss him too, right? Didn't you want that?"

"I don't know anymore! But…" I took a moment to calm myself. "But what I did wasn't right. What I was doing to Beast Boy‒I never should've done that."

"This is not your fault, Raven," Wisdom tried.

"No! It's not my fault at all!"

My heart was pumping with fury, trying to free itself from my chest. I gasped to keep up with the demand for oxygen, but it only seemed to make me feel nauseous. The tears in my eyes had rusted and they stained my cheeks.

_This isn't real,_ I thought. _I'm talking to myself. I'm not talking with a real person. It's only me. I'm the only one here. It's only me._

"Raven, you must listen to me-"

_I'm talking to myself. I'm talking to myself._

"It is not easy to explain, Raven, but you must listen. Nevermore is becoming unstable as we speak. Your emotions are not suppressed and Rage can use this if you are not careful. You need to regain control of yourself."

_Is this what it's like to be insane?_ I asked myself, placing my hands on the floor so I wouldn't topple over. _Are they actually real? Can things like this exist within my mind?_

_Starfire introduced them to me_, I reminded myself. _They must be real. Even she thinks they're real._

_But it's only me. I'm not talking to anyone else here but me. It's just me._

"Raven?"

"No! Stop talking to me. I can't hear myself think!"

"Friend Raven?"

I flinched when I heard someone knocking on my door. Surprised by the interruption, I tried to breathe as quietly as I could, thinking it was a trick of the mind. The same person knocked on the door again, insisting that it was important. After I assured myself that I wasn't imagining it, I carefully stood up, brushed myself off, and answered the door.

"Friend Raven! Oh. Please, forgive me. Did I interrupt your session of meditation?"

I leaned against the door for support, forcing myself to look relaxed. I will admit, seeing Starfire did bring me some relief. I needed somebody to talk to‒somebody other than myself‒and Starfire would've been the first person I would ask for help, especially since she knew more about my Emoticlones than the other Titans. But, I was smarter than this.

I didn't go to Starfire for help: Starfire came for me, and I had no idea what she needed me for.

"No no, it's okay," I assured her, rather unconvincingly. "Uh...I'm fine. It just got...intense in there, but it's okay. What did you need to talk to me about?"

"We wished to speak with you up the stairs," she said. "The matters are most important, but if you are currently occupied, we may schedule another day for you."

"We can do it now. I'm not busy."

"You are sure?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

Without so much as a backwards glance, I closed my door and followed Starfire to the elevator. The Titans were all waiting for us to arrive in the Main Ops room. Cyborg was working on the computer, mapping the fastest route to the distress signal we had received, and Beast Boy was talking to Robin in an urgent manner; he had the same look of concern as the one I saw when I had disappeared.

"Alright, everybody's here," said Robin, finishing his discussion with the green changeling.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"We just got an alert from a bakery shop and the customers were reportedly being threatened. We're getting ready to go and, well, we thought you could come with us on the mission."

"Really?"

"It's totally up to you, but we're letting you know that if you want to join us, you're more than welcome to. I saw what you could do in the course and, honestly, you're getting better without even realizing it. At this pace..." Robin smiled to himself. "Who knows? You'll be ready for anything."

"What am I supposed to do there?"

"We'll just start off by having you shadow us," Cyborg informed me. "Nothing major: just the basics in our teamwork and crime-fighting. That way, you can see how we do things around here without getting hurt. You'll get the hang of it in no time."

"It doesn't have to be now," Robin reminded me. "But Mother Mae-Eye is our target today. We've taken her down before so it should be easier than going after the Hive 5 or someone like that."

"Yes. We assumed today would be the good day to accompany us," confirmed Starfire. "If that is what you wish…"

"I can do it," I answered quickly. "I can stay out of the way."

"Alright. So then we'll just take turns watching over you and-"

"I don't need a babysitter, Cyborg. I'll be fine."

"Yeah," Beast Boy retorted. "I'm sure Mother Mae-Eye will take care of the babysitting for us."

* * *

On the ride to our destination, Robin and Starfire drilled me about the villain we were going to face and then I was challenged with trivia on what to do in certain situations. I learned that Mother Mae-Eye was actually a witch with supernatural capabilities. She had powerful spells that could hypnotize her victims and alter their perceptions to make them "love" her as a mother. The Titans told me that they had defeated her in the past and they warned me not to get too close; her magic is highly influential and it's difficult to overcome it.

As we neared the scene of the crime, Cyborg hauled the T-car to the side of the road. He purposely parked it several blocks away so we wouldn't be spotted. Everyone unbuckled their seatbelts and stepped out of the newly-repaired vehicle. Word had spread that someone was attacking a bakery so many of the pedestrians had fled the area. Even from afar, I could see two police cars scattered near the entrance of the shop, but there were no police officers to drive them. They had to be inside the bakery, along with the customers that were taken as hostages.

"Alright, Titans. Let's move out. We'll storm the building from all directions. Whoever gets in, make sure Mother Mae-Eye is distracted before we get people to safety."

Starfire, Cyborg, and Beast Boy all agreed with the a nod. As they took off to their positions, Robin turned to me.

"Do you wanna help too?"

"As long as I'm not fighting anyone."

"You're gonna stay outside the building, alright? We'll try to evacuate as many people as possible and help them inside the police cars. Tell them to take everyone away from the bakery and to send others to pick up Mother Mae-Eye once we're done."

"What should I do afterwards?"

Robin half-laughed: "It would probably be best if you went with them."

"I'm not doing that," I clarified.

"I know you wouldn't, so just stay back and keep out of sight, okay? We'll take care of it."

"That, I can do."

As planned, the Titans penetrated the building from all directions. Starfire came in through the roof, Robin took the back way, and Cyborg and Beast Boy entered through the windows that faced the allies on both sides of the shop. Across the street, I watched mayhem ensure through the large window pane. I heard Robin shouting and occasionally, there would be blinding flashes of light as starbolts and Cyborg's sonic cannon made an appearance. Amidst the fighting, I could also see the silhouette of a pea-green boy. He started to collect the victims, inspecting their injuries and freeing them from captivity.

That was my cue.

While I held the door open, Beast Boy ushered about nine people out of the building. A few of them had been knocked out, probably due to the witch's magic, so they had to be carried. Beast Boy had personally assisted one of them and when he reached me, I took the limp arm of the unconscious boy and draped it around my neck. Being that it was a fairly tall adolescent, I struggled to support him and Beast Boy hesitated to leave.

"I got him," I yelped. "Go!"

With some help from another officer, I was able to place the boy into one of the police cars. I told them what Robin wanted me to say and assured them that we would take care of the rest. The officer thanked me, switched on his sirens, and took off down the road with the other vehicle following close behind. Inside the bakery, the villain heard the police sirens and she wailed in misery. Her scream was so powerful that the glass shattered and, for a moment, the bakery stood quiet. Fearful of being spotted, I scrambled into a nearby alley and blended into the shadows. When I heard the bell above the door jingle, I leaned over just enough to peek around the corner.

The outline of an old, fat woman scampered into the street, searching for the fleeing cars. It was hard to see her in the darkness but as she passed through the yellow halos that illuminated the streets, everything about her became clear. The Titans didn't lie about her appearance: Mother Mae-Eye had the bumpy, green skin of a toad and the withered hair of a scarecrow. Her Halloween-themed outfit was nothing to laugh at and I noticed that as she neared my hiding spot, she had a particular scent that wafted from her attire: could it be that she _actually_ smelled like rotten food?

That's when her three eyes spotted me.

"My goodness! Has Rae-Rae finally woken up from her little nappy-wappy?"

Her shock at my presence quickly dissolved into amusement. I whirled around and I would've escaped down the alley, except I was stopped. Huge baby blocks fell from the sky and stacked themselves on top of each other, creating a barrier between me and the end of the alley. They were too tall to climb over and there wasn't enough space for me to squeeze past them. I also realized that the blocks spelled out my name in primary colors.

"It's a little late for Rae-Rae to be up," the witch laughed. "She's looking a little cranky!"

If my emotions hadn't been fluctuating, I could've easily defended myself. Based on their current state, I should've realized a problem earlier. I slashed my hand through the air, expecting to see a force of dark energy slamming into Mother Mae-Eye, but nothing happened. I tried again, though I knew what this meant immediately. My only other option was to find power through my mantra.

"Azarath Metrion Zi-!"

Before I could finish speaking, the witch cast a spell that caused a pacifier to lodge itself into my mouth. Immediately, I tried to remove it, but it was heavily enchanted. No matter how much I pulled, it wouldn't budge. I couldn't even move my mouth around it because the spell had caused it to clamp shut: the pacifier silenced me and I couldn't do anything about it.

"Oh, no no _no!_" she scolded me. "Potty-mouth will not be tolerated, Rae-Rae!"

Although I was unable to call out for help, the Titans surely saw that I was being confronted. They spilled from the bakery and crowded the street, locating the source of danger. My name echoed off the brick walls in the claustrophobic alley and I covered my mouth with both hands. I felt utterly humiliated to be seen like this: my flushed cheeks and the tears in my eyes must've added to the effect of how helpless I was, like a stupid, useless child. I was too shocked to think about what I should be doing and even now, I can't think of a solution that would've worked.

Out the corner of her eyes, Mother Mae-Eye noticed Cyborg charging towards her and she waved her magical spoon. In the air above him, a blue blanket appeared and, like a hawk, it swooped down to snag its prey. The blanket bundled itself around Cyborg, binding his hands and feet together so that he looked like a swaddled infant. He landed with a deafening _thud_ and he continued to struggle but the mechanical man couldn't seem to free himself. The witch cackled at his vulnerability.

It was a laborious task to breathe now. Seeing the carnage of the crime made me feel sick to my stomach and the pacifier was still obstructing my airway, preventing me from using my voice. If I didn't speak my mantra, I wouldn't be able to enable my powers. I couldn't fly, I couldn't access my soul-self, and I feared that if I tried meditating, Mother Mae-Eye would attack me while I was distracted. The anxiety was getting to me. I couldn't suck in enough air through my nose to keep me steady on my feet: in a way, I was suffocating myself.

Starfire began to shower the witch with her starbolts, forcing her to defend herself. As an ox, Beast Boy dragged Cyborg away from the fight and Robin headed straight for me. I felt trapped. I had nowhere to run because Mother Mae-Eye wasn't too far away from the alley and she would surely seize me if I was caught. Even if I tried to run, I wouldn't make it very far without losing my breath. Blockaded by the over-sized baby toys, I shrunk into the alley and started to panic when I saw an approaching shadow. Thankfully, the masked boy was the first to arrive.

"Stay behind me, Raven," Robin instructed me. He positioned himself at the entrance of the alley and selected a weapon from his utility belt. "You're gonna be fine. We'll get that thing off of ya as soon as we can."

_I can't use my powers, Robin! I can't do anything! Please don't leave me alone with her._

I knew he couldn't hear me. If my powers didn't work then there was no way we could communicate telepathically either. I cowered behind the masked boy, hoping he knew how desperately I needed his help.

We watched as the tangerine girl engaged in combat with the witch. Tired of fighting, Mother Mae-Eye conjured up a very large needle and thread and she sent it straight at Starfire. She managed to avoid the point, but the witch knew this would happen. Instead, the needle zigzagged around Starfire, knotting the thread around her in the process. Then, while holding the other end of the string, Mother Mae-Eye twirled Starfire several times in the air and flung her into the side of a building. Robin's voice strained when he called out her name. Starfire stirred among the rubble, though she looked pained from the impact.

Mother Mae-Eye wouldn't stop talking to me. Like a psychopath, she spoke in a tone that was eerily calm, inviting, even persuasive. She encouraged me to come forward, but I knew enough to not give her what she desired: my trust.

"Listen to Mother, dear. You children have had enough time fooling around. It's getting very late and Mother needs to take care of her children."

"You leave her alone," said Robin, threatening the witch with the end of his bo staff.

"Talking back to Mother won't do you any good, young man!"

Just then, Beast Boy appeared as a green elephant and he slammed into Mother Mae-Eye head-on. Dizzy from the collide, Beast Boy morphed back and rubbed head, hoping he didn't get a concussion. Meanwhile, the attack did very little damage to Mother Mae-Eye and she was back on her feet, preparing for her next move. The pink magic from her wooden spoon formed a larger-than-normal pie and she launched it. Her aim was precise because when the green changeling looked up to defend himself, it was too late: the pie splattered into Beast Boy's stricken face.

Immediately, Beast Boy fell to his knees and started to gag. He frantically pawed away the clumps of pastry, which had penetrated his eyes, his nose, and especially his mouth. However, despite the goo all over him, Beast Boy was careful not to consume even the tiniest amount of pie, for a morsel of it could make him fall victim to hypnosis. I knew this because some of the victims that I had helped out of the bakery had the same stains all over their faces and clothes. Some of them had pink eyes too, but as long as they were taken away from the witch, the spell should wear off soon enough.

As Beast Boy repeatedly wiped his tongue over sleeve, Mother Mae-Eye turned to Robin and I; "It's time to eat, children!" she bellowed. "Get it while it's hot!"

Several more pies were thrown at us but, thankfully, the masked boy acted promptly. He spun his bo staff in his hands, creating a "fan" that destroyed every pie that was sent our way. The first chance he had, Robin reached into his utility belt and pulled out a handful of metallic beads.

"I'm gonna make us some cover. Stay low!"

The beads landed just inches away from Mother Mae-Eye's boots and they burst into a cloud of putrid smoke. I shielded my face from the explosion and when I looked up, I realized that I was alone. Robin had disappeared into the opaque fumes, knowing that a criminal would be waiting for him amidst the confusion.

Remembering what the leader of the Titans had told me, I carefully made my way out of the alley, being sure that I wouldn't be noticed. Not too far away, Cyborg was awkwardly laying on the sidewalk. He was still trying to wriggle free, but to no prevail, so I hurried over to help him. His face sank once he saw me.

"Aw man. She got you too?"

I agreed with his lament by tightening my eyes and shaking my head.

The blanket turned out to be a bewitched monstrosity. As if it were alive, it constricted against his body the more he tried to escape. I did whatever I could to relieve the pressure Cyborg was enduring, but, like the pacifier in my mouth, the blanket wouldn't release its grip. Suddenly, while I was so frustrated that I was ready to rip the fabric apart, Cyborg got my attention and urged me to turn around.

The smoke was starting to disappear, revealing the onset between Mother Mae-Eye and Robin. They each had been successfully dodging attacks from their opponent, but at that time, there was a standstill. Robin had grabbed onto the spoon, knowing it was the witch's source of power, and he did everything he could to wrench it from her hands. Seeing this, the witch changed her motive and started aiming the weapon back at Robin.

As the tip of the spoon drew closer to Robin's face, the dynamic of Mother Mae-Eye's evil laughter crescendoed. She was preparing a spell to use on him, shouting a curse that could destroy his life. As his last effort, Robin gritted his teeth, winced, and gave the spoon a final tug. If a starbolt had not previously hit the witch on the back, scaring her into opening her hands just slightly, it never would've worked.

But it did.

In that short amount of time, Mother Mae-Eye lost her grip from the shock of the starbolt and, in the process, so did Robin. The force sent the spoon flying and it tumbled away from the both of them. Mother Mae-Eye howled with fury. She shoved Robin away and scurried after her magical keepsake. By the time she was where it was last seen, it was already gone.

Beast Boy had reached it first and he held it high above his head, his hair and face still smeared with the gooey filling of her cursed pie. He called out to Starfire and then threw it before the witch could intervene. Safe from any attacks, the tangerine girl caught the spoon mid-air and snapped it in half. The pieces fell back onto the pavement, splintering into oblivion. Mother Mae-Eye watched her spoon get destroyed and it spurt a small cloud of pink magic before it lay still. Severely weakened, she collapsed onto the street and mourned the loss of her magic wand. The witch couldn't hurt any of us anymore.

With Mother Mae-Eye rendered powerless, Cyborg was freed from the blanket. He got up and jogged over to the fallen villain, helping the Boy Wonder secure her hands and feet with handcuffs. Not much longer after that, police officers began to arrive on the scene again. The Titans informed them of the situation while Mother Mae-Eye was forced into the chamber of a truck, where they would charter her to a special prison. I felt a nudge and, without looking up, I realized that Beast Boy had been trying to get my attention for a while now. The pacifier in my mouth was gone, but even then, I didn't have the courage to answer him.

* * *

The very moment we arrived at Titans Towers, I fled straight to my room. I knew someone would try to stop me and when I felt Starfire's hand on my shoulder, I shrugged it off and ran even faster. Feeling as if I was being chased, I activated the door to my bedroom with trembling fingers and I locked it once I was inside.

Everything was the same as I had left it. The black sand was scattered all over the floor and the candles had died long ago, leaving puddles of hardened wax everywhere. I didn't bother to turn on a light. Nearly blind in the darkness, I fumbled into a new pair of clothing and then I crawled into bed. The clock on my bedside table informed me that it was only 5:34 PM though I showed no care.

After hours of trying to fall asleep, I finally gave in. I swept the sand particles as best as I could back into a neat circle and I gathered a new set of candles, physically lighting each of them using a book of matches. The mirror was still on the floor and I picked it up. My reflection was hideous but I leered at it bravely, knowing the risks of Nevermore. To my surprise, my eyes started to glow, becoming a fair pigment of lilac. Affection wasn't here to argue with me.

"It wasn't just you," I said to the demonic mirror. "There was another one. You and another Emoticlone influenced me at the same time. That's why it was harder to recognize it, to stop it: more of my personality was being used at once."

"Yeah," she answered, sounding a little worried.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"We both had the same feelings for Beast Boy and I guess we wanted to kiss him, but I swear I didn't want to make a big show of it! I would've stopped too but- well, you know…"

I wanted to punch myself for not realizing it sooner. Starfire had told me once that if I tried hard enough, I could be perfectly balanced. That meant my emotions could work together and they could be equally expressed at the same time, allowing me to be both powerful and in control of myself. If it's possible for _all_ of my Emoticlones to work together, who said that only _two_ of them couldn't? Knowing how much influence one Emoticlone could inhibit, it was obvious that more than one could make me into an entirely different person if I wasn't careful.

"It couldn't have been Rage," I thought aloud. "And I highly doubt Timid had anything to do with it. Was it Happy?"

"Happy?" asked a bewildered Affection. "No, it wasn't her."

"Then who was it? Who did it with you?"

"I- I thought you knew…"

"Knew what?" I demanded. "Who was it?"

"Raven," my intelligent Emoticlone chided me.

"What is she talking about, Wisdom. What does she mean?"

"While we may share similar ideas, we do not always share the same feelings. Neither of us, your primary emotions, were involved with Affection's fluctuation, but you did experience one of the more rarer assets of your personality."

This was an entirely new concept to me. For ages, I had lived with the idea of conversing with my Emoticlones: Wisdom, Brave, Happy, Affection, Sloth, and Rude. I dealt with Rage and I was notified about the existence of Calm, but I had never heard of an emotion that was centered around sexual desires. The more I thought about it, however, it made sense. Affection showed fondness for others and she was passionate about simple romances and kind gestures. It was plausible to assume that Lust favored the inhibitions that I concealed as I ascended into adulthood.

"But I've never heard of her before," I protested. "I thought you said-"

"I am unsure of how it happened, Raven. We have not met Lust for a great while and at the moment, we are unable to locate her. Our memories of her appearance are fragmented, just as they are with Rage."

"How is that even possible?" I brooded. "She can't just _disappear_, and she can't just _appear_, can she?"

"That's what Rage did," Brave retorted. "What makes you think neither of us could do that too?"

"I don't know. But Rage is different. She doesn't want to cooperate with any of us and she'd do anything to be heard. Lust is not like Rage; at least, I don't think she is. I don't understand why she would revolt all of a sudden."

"Not every Emoticlone has existed within Nevermore since your birth," Wisdom concluded. "As you have aged and matured, new fragments of your personality were revealed. Similar to Calm, she is a newer addition to Nevermore and this seems to be one of your first experiences with this particular emotion. I believe it was before the event that caused your amnesia that we lost contact with her."

"I wish Lust was here. Maybe if I talked to her, I could learn something knew about myself."

"She'll come back again," Affection told me. "Being with Beast Boy and all, who knows what might happen?"

Some of my Emoticlones chuckled while I blushed, courtesy of Timid.

"And when she does, I'll be ready for her," I said.

If _any_ of them made another appearance, whether it be Lust, Rage, or even Happy, I would be ready to fight them. I promised myself that I would.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I did notice some changes in the numbers on _Amnesia_. I remember that I had 100 Favorites at some point and now it's down to 98 again. I also had 149 Followers, it went down, but then I saw we had a new reader and it went back up again! I really hope I'm not offending anyone with these long chapters lol Remember, please let me know if you have suggestions, requests, or ideas for _Amnesia_! I appreciate the time you guys take to read this and I'll be back for another update soon enough :) Goodbye!


	38. Promises Don't Last Forever

**Author's Note: **The struggle to keep up with the demands of Fanfiction is incredible. No joke. Senior year is insane and I have all these things going on at once and I literally have less free time than I did last year when I was a Junior (wasn't Junior year supposed the be the hardest?!). Anyway, I'm back and it's so awesome to see all of the new Followers and comments! I'm really happy that you guys are enjoying it! It's funny, I was just invited by someone to submit one of my other stories into a contest and while I was flattered about the idea, the only story I would want to submit is this one and it's not NEARLY close to being completed. It's kinda a bummer, so I hope this contest thingy will happen next year too because I would love to submit _Amnesia_ into it :) And that's my little Author's Note for now! Time to start reading (or in my case, _writing_...)! :)

**A Previous Summary:** Raven is furious about what happened between her and Beast Boy. For some strange reason, Raven was overwhelmed by an Emoticlone and she suspected that Affection was the cause of it all. Because of this, her emotions were very strained and she has an anxiety attack, wondering if she could ever control the multiple sides of her personality. When she is pulled out of her episode, the Titans (unaware of her condition) invite her on a mission for Raven to learn how to do their "job" against villains. Raven knows about the conflicts in Nevermore but she agrees to accompany them, believing she would never get another chance to do so. This turns out to be a horrible decision because when Raven is spotted by Mother Mae-Eye, she is silenced and unable to use her powers to defend herself. The Titans had to do everything in their power to save her, which resulted in each of them getting injured in some way. Back at the Tower, Raven consults her Emoticlones again, especially since she feels guilty about her mistake, and she learns that what happened between her and Beast Boy was not just because of Affection, but also because of a new Emoticlone named Lust. This is important information to Raven: more than one of her Emoticlones can control her at once, which can be dangerous if it is the wrong combination. Now, Raven must be careful about which emotion is expressed because if they all decided to work together, Raven may be powerless against her own being.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 38: _Promises Don't Last Forever_

I was nearly blinded when I opened the door to the small fridge. Pinching my eyes through the sterile illumination, I stole a plastic bottle of water and a green apple off the shelf and then proceeded to close the door with my foot. Then, I stealthily made my way to the elevator. At almost 5 o'clock in the morning, the Tower was as dark as the night sky itself: only subtle hints of the oncoming sunrise could be seen through the window. The Titans were still fast asleep but I took no chance in being spotted. I glided through the hallways like a ghost, traveling only under the cover of the ominous obscurity. It was a dangerous mission because if I was caught, I was surely going to be questioned and I wasn't ready to give any answers.

The doors on the platform shut themselves and I was dropped down to another floor. Satisfied with my endeavor, I started munching loudly on the fruit, constantly wiping the sour juices that dribbled around my mouth with my sleeve. I wasn't really hungry at the time but eating something was a good way to perk me up. I will admit, I felt tired. I didn't sleep very much because I was so busy with keeping my Emoticlones suppressed. I had to meditate all night just so I could use their support for levitation, and even then, they were still fairly disobedient. For now, I decided to limit the usage of my powers. Over time they should recover, but it all depended on my Emoticlones.

The elevator silently arrived on the designated floor and I left the platform as quickly as I had entered it. Using my shoulder, I pushed open the doors to the Gym and flicked on an ample lightsource, being sure to use only what was needed. My apple was discarded into a nearby trash bin and then I prepared a station for myself in front of a punching bag.

There was only so much I could do with it. In fact, quick jabs and flying kicks were the only skills I could work on and even I was too advanced to benefit from practicing on a dormant dummy, but that wasn't really the point‒I just wanted something to do. I've been mulling over my thoughts for what seemed like forever and I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't sleep because when I'm sitting still, my mind is empty and I start to think: when I'm doing nothing, that's when they become the loudest. I needed something else to do, anything that could occupy my mind. Even doing something like this, repeatedly punching a bag for no reason, could make me feel a little better. It's definitely more entertaining than sitting alone in the dark and wondering when the voices in my head will listen to me.

I'm not sure exactly how much time had passed, however, it felt like I barely had any time to myself. The door to the Gym opened and closed while I was practicing. Without glancing over my shoulder, I sensed Beast Boy approaching me and I pretended not to notice. It was too early for him to be awake so I knew he wasn't here to exercise. It also wasn't a coincidence that he happened to encounter me.

"Hey."

I didn't answer right away. I kept punching the bag, putting more and more force into each attack. Bullets of sweat trickled all over my face, stinging my eyes and getting into my mouth. My hair was in complete disarray and it was plastered to my skin, but I didn't bother to secure it behind my ears. I pushed on, using my anger as a motivation. Beast Boy didn't like this. He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me away from the exercise, urging me to listen to him.

"Hey, stop it."

I immediately shrugged away from him, stumbling in the process. "Beast Boy- don't."

"Can we talk?" he asked me before I could tell him to go away. "Please?"

"Now is not a good time to talk. I'm in the middle of something."

"You always say that."

"And you always come to talk to me while I'm in the middle of something."

"Okay, fine. Whatever, but when were you planning on talking to me then?"

"I didn't think I had to report to you after every disaster," I scoffed, picking up my water bottle to take a quick drink.

"I didn't mean it like that. You left me when I tried to help you yesterday and I was just trying to talk to you about it."

"I didn't need your help, Beast Boy. I already knew what was wrong. I just needed to fix it myself."

"Well it looks like you fixed it very well, seeing as you almost got hurt coming on the mission with us and now it looks like you're gonna work out to death."

"It wasn't my fault that she saw me! I was hiding!"

"I _mean_ that you knew your powers didn't work. Raven, you knew there was a problem with your Emoticlones and you couldn't use your powers and you still went with us. Why would you put yourself in danger like that?"

"Like I would ever get another chance to go out with you guys," I barked back. "If I didn't go then who knows when I could've gone out again? It was one of the "easier" villains and it's not like that happens a lot."

"And you held your ground against her, didn't ya?"

"If she hadn't _done_ that to me, I could've beaten her," I emphasized, furious at how embarrassed I was becoming. "It was because I couldn't say my mantra. That's it. There's nothing else to it so stop bringing it up."

"Great," he muttered. "Just great."

"What?"

"What?" the pea-green boy repeated in mock confusion. "Oh c'mon, Raven. Don't give me that. You know why I'm mad."

"I'm not trying to upset you, okay?" I told him. I had to pause because I felt tears in my eyes and I had to blink them away. My voice was already falling apart. "I'm not happy either. Do you really think I'm proud of what happened yesterday? I'm a wreck because of it!"

"If you would just let me help you-"

"There's nothing you can do for me. Things are just complicated."

"Things will _always_ be complicated, Raven!" Beast Boy exclaimed madly. "That's kinda our thing! We've been fighting each other since Day One and I'll keep fighting ya until I'm dead, and that's not something I'm ashamed about."

"Do you really think this is good for us?" I challenged him.

"Who cares if we fight alot?"

"I do! I'm stressing out, Beast Boy! I'm going crazy about every little thing that's happening! There's you and my Emoticlones, my powers, my _amnesia_, the Titans don't know about _us_...do you want me to keep going?"

"What's wrong with your Emoticlones?"

I half-laughed: "Everything."

Beast Boy softened his face. I huffed a sigh and looked away, almost hating his concern for me. It was too difficult to talk now. Every time I tried to explain the problem, my voice would crack and I would have to stop, recuperate, and try again in vain. My words were becoming less and less comprehensible and I could sense Beast Boy's worry for me‒sometimes, I really wished I wasn't empathetic.

It's bad enough knowing how I feel and knowing how others feel can make me feel sick, especially if their feelings are towards me.

"I- I don't know how you knew but what happened yesterday, when we were on the couch...that wasn't me. I didn't do that to you, Beast Boy. I mean I did, but I- I couldn't stop myself from doing it. One of my Emoticlones took over me and that's why I was...that's why I didn't stop."

"Who was it?" he asked hesitantly. "Do you know who?"

"Affection was part of it, but it mostly came from Lust."

I didn't need to explain it anymore for Beast Boy to understand.

"Oh."

"It took me so long to get them under control again," I said through a quivering voice. "I meditated forever just so I could leave my room and some of them are still out there, hiding where I can't find them in my own mind. Now, they can work together. Did you know that? More than one of them can influence me at the same time, making them more and more powerful. What if they all do that to me? What if one day they just decide to take over me and make me do these horrible things and I wouldn't be able to stop myself again and I'll just be lost in my own mind and-"

"Calm down," Beast Boy chidded, coaxing me to take a seat. "Stop saying that. That's not gonna happen."

"My Emoticlones are who I am. They're me, they're _all_ a part of me. Rage, Rude, Lust: they exist, they're things that make up who I am, and I can't show them to you, to anyone. I can't show _any_ of my Emoticlones and I'm afraid of what they could do if I'm not in control."

Beast Boy looked hurt by this but I didn't dwell on it. He wanted to say something and I didn't give him a chance to console me.

"This is too much for me!" I gasped. "I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."

"Hey, it's gonna be okay." Beast Boy encouraged me to look up at him and I did, though my vision continuously wandered from his hopeful eyes to the blurry distance behind him. "Just let me help you get through this and we'll figure out what to do together."

"We have to tell them."

"What?"

"I can't keep this a secret anymore. We have to tell the Titans."

"You don't have to keep this a secret from them. I'm sure Star would wanna help you control Nevermore and Cy could-"

"No! I meant us, Beast Boy!"

"What about us?" he asked, almost offended.

"They have to know what's been happening. Not just about my Emoticlones‒about us! This isn't something I can do on my own; I need their help and the only way to do that is to tell them the truth, about everything, _including_ us."

Beast Boy looked away from me and, for a moment, I thought I saw him chuckle. Even though he was smirking, the look in his eyes was serious.

"We have to tell them, Beast Boy," I insisted.

"Yeah. That's not gonna happen."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not telling them," he said, amused by my suggestion. "And neither are you."

"I don't want to tell the Titans anymore than you do, but we have to! Do you really think I want to tell them about how I tried to run away? Or that my Emoticlones have been hard to keep under control lately? They're going to be so disappointed in me, I know that, but I feel just as horrible not telling them too."

"You've changed since then, Raven. They're not going to be mad at you; they're gonna be pissed at me because I'm the one responsible for this mess."

"So then we _should_ tell them! You should own up to what you did and tell the truth before we make things worse."

"No, I'm not doing that."

"And why not?!"

"For many reasons!" he shouted. "Reason Number One: I'll be a dead man if they find out."

"Do you really think I wouldn't get into trouble too? If they want to be mad at someone, they can be mad at me! It's my fault any of this happened so whatever! I don't care!"

"No, no it's not your fault. And telling them that won't change anything, Raven. They'll still be mad at me because I made a promise and we'd all know I broke it."

"It's not like it matters anymore. I already know who Slade is and what happened with my powers and how I was in a coma for a _week_ and how I have this rogue Emoticlone that could destroy me from the inside-out...yeah, Rage doesn't seem to happy right now, Beast Boy!"

The green changeling kept telling me to keep my voice low. We were several floors away from the living quarters but I knew he was worried about being overheard. I defied his pleas.

"I'm not going to pretend to be stupid anymore," I said to him firmly. "Keeping this a secret isn't helping me and it isn't going to help the Titans either. They're going to find out eventually, right? So what if I know about what happened between us before my amnesia? Someone finally told me the truth! I know what it's like to be lied to over and over again and I'm not going to do the same thing to our friends. We're in a relationship because of it, aren't we? What's so bad about that?"

"You said it yourself, Raven. What we have between us is stressing you out and that's exactly what our friends didn't want."

"Maybe if we told them, I wouldn't _be_ so stressed! Look, this relationship has been good for us too. I mean, I never would've learned that Lust existed if we weren't together, right?"

"I seriously doubt the Titans will be happy that I _awoke_ another Emoticlone," Beast Boy sighed.

"Well, okay, but if we were open about this, things _could_ go better for us," I explained. "I wouldn't be worrying about it anymore and maybe this could help me with my amnesia."

"You were supposed to figure this out on your own," he emphasized quite harshly. "That's why they didn't want me to say anything. That's why we made a promise. We wanted you to figure it out all on your own because that was the only way you'd understand, the only way you'd believe it, and I went against everything I agreed to. I wasn't supposed to tell you anything!"

"But you did," I shot back, catching the error in his argument. "You never wanted me to help myself, did you? You were trying to help me the second I woke up because even you didn't believe I had amnesia. So why did you do it?" Beast Boy didn't answer my question. "Why did you help me? If this is such a big problem for you then why did you help me when I could've figured it out by myself? When you knew there was a big risk in telling me the truth, why did you you do it? Why, Beast Boy?"

For a brief moment, everything was still. The green changeling had his face in his hands, not wanting me to see his distressed reaction. But I sensed it. I could _feel_ him preparing to cry and Beast Boy was trying so hard to be strong‒for me and for himself. I went too far, I knew I did, but I didn't take back anything I said.

I already knew the reason behind Beast Boy's decision and it wasn't because I could sense it.

"I felt so stupid for what I did." Beast Boy's voice hiccuped with a little sob and I patiently waited for him to recover. "I thought that telling you would make things better, that everything would be okay, but it turned out to be so much bigger than I could handle. You were right, Raven. I should've left you alone. Getting you into this only hurt you but I just couldn't stand the fact that...that I lost you, that I lost everything we had, everything we were because of…" The green changeling itched his eyes, hating how childish he must've looked. "I feel as guilty as you do, okay? I know how bad you must feel but...if we tell them, they'd never trust me ever again. They'd think I betrayed them because I did, that's what I did! I broke our promise! I did something so horrible and I wasn't thinking about what I should've done…"

"Do you think you did the right thing?"

Beast Boy turned to me and for the longest time, we didn't break eye-contact. His mind overflowed with enough emotions to sedate Timid. Shame, grief, remorse, sorrow: my empathetic abilities detected them all and I watched fresh tears swell into Beast Boy's eyes. Those emerald orbs darkened and his ears drooped a little.

Beast Boy was the kind of person who would kill someone for hurting me, and right now, he looked conflicted on whether or not he should accept his punishment.

"You didn't do this to me, Beast Boy," I reminded him. He looked away but I continued to talk to him. "You know I have feelings for you too, right? You didn't do anything to make me feel this way about you; that was me! _I _fell in love with you, _I _kissed you; you didn't _take advantage_ of me. You just told me the truth, but it's not like it matters. It makes sense that I liked you then and that I like you now! If the Titans ever accuse you of anything then I'll tell them myself. They can't be mad at you for how I feel."

"You don't know that, Raven."

"There aren't many good things going on right now, and this secret is one of them. It's stressful for you and for me and if the Titans find out before we tell them then nothing good will come out of it. We need this time to think things over, and not to be worried about our relationship. Right now, that's the least of my worries, because I'm not worried about how I feel about you: I'm worried about how I would feel if things never get any better."

I was relieved to see Beast Boy digesting my words. I could tell he was still scared about the idea of confessing about his betrayal, but he considered how much worse the situation would be if our secret was discovered first. He didn't want to hurt me anymore‒he didn't want to hurt anyone with what he did. However, something made Beast Boy hesitate to agree.

"Can we please just hold it off a little longer?" he begged.

"Beast Boy-"

"We need a better time to tell them. Trust me: they got a lot on their plate and this would only freak them out even more. They're not ready to know about it yet."

"Won't they be even more upset if we wait? We need to tell them about this!"

"Do you really want to do this to them now?" Beast Boy challenged me. "You don't know what they're going through but I know this will be the thing that breaks them down. It can't be now. It won't be good for any of us!"

"I can't keep fighting you like this," I rasped. "I can't keep doing these kind of things. I don't want to argue with you: I just want us to get along! We _need_ to tell them! Please!"

"It's just for a little longer, until everyone's in a better mood and they get these things sorted out. And then we'll tell them together, okay? I promise, Raven. It just can't be now..."

Although I was disappointed in myself for agreeing, I nodded in understanding. I didn't offer any other words to the discussion. Not knowing what else to say, Beast Boy stood up and wordlessly dismissed himself. I watched him exit the gymnasium and then I grabbed my water bottle, gulping down almost every last drop of it. My energy had been completely sapped; I had no motivation to exercise anymore.

* * *

I was back in my bedroom about 20 minutes later. It was still fairly early into the day so I thought that if I played my cards right, I could make it look like I hadn't left my room all morning, pretending the conversation that I had with Beast Boy never existed. I doubted that the Titans could be suspicious if I was seen with him once or twice‒I probably spend more time with the other Titans than I do with Beast Boy‒but it couldn't hurt to be careful. Now that I had to wait even longer to tell them about our relationship, we have to make sure we don't leave any hints until the time is right.

But exactly how long did Beast Boy want us to wait? A few days? A week? A whole month? And what was happening with the Titans anyway? What was so bad that Beast Boy knew telling them the truth about our relationship now would make them even more upset? I knew their job wasn't an easy task, but I never thought they were stressed out. They never _looked_ stressed out anyway. The Titans were almost always happy and cheerful when I was around‒except after failed missions and even those were a very rare occurrence. The more I thought about it though, it started to make sense why they would do that. Knowing how much they cared for my safety, they'd hide their own problems and troubles for my sake in a heartbeat. They were hiding it from me pretty well so whatever it was, it wasn't good and it looked like I wasn't going to know about it anytime soon.

I starting thinking that maybe prolonging the dreaded confession wasn't such a bad idea after all. I had no idea something bad was happening with the Titans and I never would've known about it without Beast Boy's insight. If the Titans are still keeping secrets from me then I should have one up my sleeve too, right? We're all friends, but friendships have their secrets and not all secrets are meant to be shared.

Beast Boy could be right: telling the Titans could ruin everything. It might make things more awkward between us and I had no idea how the Titans would react to the news. The problem is I still don't understand why having Beast Boy tell me the truth is considered a sin. He did betray his friends, but what makes _the_ truth‒not the _telling _of the truth‒so bad? He loved me before my amnesia, we were in a relationship and then I lost my memory. It makes sense to tell someone that, though I can also understand why they wouldn't want to tell that to someone too.

But I knew there was more to it.

Something happened. _Something_ happened before my amnesia, _during_ my amnesia, that makes the Titans so worried about me. Something that scares them so much that they refuse to tell me about it and, somehow, my past relationship with Beast Boy is connected to this. They must think that if they tell me, everything else would come pouring out like an unholy epiphany. So what was it? What happened that was so bad that the Titans are willing to do anything to keep this truth from me? And why was Beast Boy playing both sides in this fight? Did he do it because he just wanted things to go back to the way they were and pretend none of this ever happened, or did he do it to make him look less like a bad guy when I finally figure it out for myself?

I couldn't think about all of this on my own: I needed help. The conflicts in Nevermore were still present, but nothing got worse than I had left it so it was a safe idea to meditate. I talked with each of my Emoticlones about the situation, hoping to find a consensus. Wisdom counseled me about my decision as I expressed my worries. Timid agreed that she feared telling the Titans about my relationship with Beast Boy and Brave told me that, while she isn't happy about waiting, she thinks the Titans wouldn't be mad at us for what had happened. For once, I felt thankful for having a brave Emoticlone: when the time does come to tell the truth, I'll need every ounce of courage I have to make things right.

More and more natural light started leaking through the shades and this brought me back to reality. I thanked my Emoticlones, feeling much better than I did earlier this morning, and I once again cleaned up the ritual and stashed the demonic mirror safely away. It was almost 10:30 when I left my bedroom and headed to the Main Ops room. I tried not to attract so much attention to myself but it seemed like I interrupted an important meeting when I entered. Although I pretended not to notice, I was slightly hurt to see everyone in attendance; even Silkie was present at the time.

I went into the kitchen while the Titans dispersed, acting like nothing had happened. Robin watched me as I brew myself a mug of herbal tea. I did this only so I could distract myself from the impending conversation, but I already knew what was coming.

_Here we go,_ said Rude with a sigh.

"So, uh, are you feeling any better?"

"Why would I be feeling bad?" I told Robin, not bothering to acknowledge his question.

"Raven, we want to talk about what happened yesterday…"

"I'm really not-" I then stopped myself and rephrased my words. "We don't need to talk about this."

"We wish to apologize," Starfire insisted. "We feel _sorry_ for what has occurred."

"We all know how you must feel, but don't be mad at yourself," Cyborg piped up. "We should've stayed back with you. It's our fault things got outta hand, not yours."

"I'm not mad about it," I told them. "It's okay."

Robin sighed. "You don't wanna talk about it, I get it, but we want to understand. Yesterday, you didn't look like you could use your powers very well. Something seemed wrong. Can you tell us what it was?"

"It was just a bad day."

"They seem to be happening a lot, huh?" Cyborg said, raising an eyebrow.

"I guess I panicked a little," I explained. "You know, having something forcefully stuffed into your mouth isn't fun."

"I can agree to that," Beast Boy commented with a shrug.

"That's why I couldn't use my powers. I just didn't act quick enough and it was my fault I got cornered. I promise, I won't let it happen again."

"Friend Raven, even I cannot make such a promise," Starfire told me.

"What I'm saying is I don't really want to talk about it anymore. Things are fine now. I got it all under control and I learned what I did wrong so there's no need to discuss this anymore. I'm just too tired…"

Everyone was uncomfortable in the silence. I sipped a little more of my herbal tea but I ended up dumping it out in the sink, no longer feeling hungry. Personally, I wanted this dialogue to be forgotten altogether. The day seemed so long already and everyone just wanted to talk to me and break me down from the inside-out and I was getting sick of it. I felt like Robin read my mind because he was the first one to speak, though he had an entirely different idea than what I had.

"You know what?"

"What?" Cyborg inquired.

"We need to do something as a team," the masked boy declared. "We should find something to do together, you know, to take our minds off of things. I don't know about you guy but I need a break."

"More like a vacation," Beast Boy murmured.

"Yeah! Just something fun for us to do, like...I don't know, something fun! What's something fun we could do together?"

"Oh!" Starfire squealed, raising her hand in the air like a student who knew the answer to a question. "I have the most brilliant idea! Friends, we must gather for a potatoing of the couch this evening. Perhaps a cinematic recording shall bring joy to us all!"

"I can agree to a movie," said Beast Boy with a smile.

"Hey! Why don't we get take-out for dinner too? The fridge's lookin' a little empty and I could go for some Chinese."

"That'd be great, Cyborg," Robin replied. "I think we all deserve a little treat."

"Aw yeah, baby! I'm already excited."

"As am I!" cheered Starfire. "We simply must select the appropriate feature!"

The festivities were confirmed and they commenced before I had any input. I don't think it would've mattered anyway. Whether or not it was to make me feel better, the Titans refused to let anyone miss out on the "potatoing-of-the-couch" and I didn't have the heart to shut them out either.

Aside from practicing hand-to-hand combat in the Gym and mediating in my bedroom, I didn't do very much until the sun started to set. That's when everyone united to prepare for the social event. For dinner, Cyborg ordered food from a Chinese restaurant over the phone. While he went into the city with Beast Boy to pick it up, I stayed back with Robin and Starfire to arrange the couch and browse their movie collection for something to watch. The mechanical man and the pea-green boy returned about 20 minutes later with huge containers of rice, chicken, sushi, and all sorts of foreign dishes that I couldn't name. The food was laid out on the table like a buffet and plates were passed around, giving everybody a chance to sample each of the entrees.

Once I selected the portions for my dinner, I plopped down next to Beast Boy on the couch, acting as nonchalant as possible. I made sure there was a pillow between us though because I didn't want to make it look so obvious. It wasn't that big of a deal: Robin and Starfire sat close together, sharing a single plate of food and a pair of chopsticks, and Cyborg settled down on the other side of Beast Boy, propping his feet up on the coffee table.

Everyone ate their food as we watched the flick: it was ultimately Starfire's idea to watch _Jaws_ and everyone praised her for her good choice. With Starfire cuddled into Robin's side, the masked boy fed her pieces of sushi with a pair of chopsticks. There was a time when Robin dropped the food too soon and it missed Starfire's mouth, even bouncing onto the floor where an eager Silkie was waiting to gobble it up. If it had been me, I would've been deathly embarrassed, but Starfire giggled so hard that everyone started to laugh themselves. Robin helped wipe away the mess on her lips before he fed her another bite of food.

It was obvious that everyone was entertained by the classic horror movie except for me, and it wasn't because I didn't like the movie. I kept trying to watch it but I was still so upset about all of the conversations that I had earlier today. They saddened me, irritated me, and now I had the assumption that tensions between me and my friends were getting tighter. Although we were doing something together, I felt awkward among them because nothing had been resolved. I feared that if I didn't do anything, the tensions would stretch thinner and thinner and things would get even worse than they already are.

"Um, guys? Can I talk to you quickly?"

Without hesitating, Cyborg picked up the remote and paused the movie. All eyes were turned to me and I felt myself shrink beneath their curious expressions. Beast Boy was already panicking. I didn't have to use my empathic abilities to understand what he was thinking. The green changeling was afraid that, because of our earlier argument, I was going to disobey our agreement and tell the Titans the truth. He thought I was going to tell them right here, right now, and ruin the good moment everyone was sharing as a team.

But, unlike Beast Boy, I wasn't one to break promises so easily.

"I know it's not the best time for me to ask this but I wanted to know if you were still going to let me go on missions with all of you," I said at last. "I messed up last time, but I hope you don't think of me any less. I don't want to stop. I want to keep trying and I'll practice even more if I have to, but I'm not ready to give up on everything I did so...so is it alright that I still go on missions?"

There was a moment of silence in the room and, for a moment, I feared that they were going to disagree. Timid was already admitting defeat in Nevermore but Rude prepared to argue with the Titans, believing they were. Robin exchanged a glance with Beast Boy before he spoke up.

"Raven, I want you to know that we aren't mad about what happened. We're a little worried, but we're not mad at you. We just wanted to know what happened and if it was something you needed help with."

"Yes," added Starfire. "We have each made mistakes in the past and these mistakes do not define who we are, Friend Raven. It is how we act in favor of these mistakes that shall define who we are."

"If it makes ya feel any better, I got my ass kicked by Mother Mae-Eye," Cyborg laughed. "I was tied up in a blanket, remember? I couldn't do anything but wriggle around! But luckily you guys were there and it all worked out. This kinda stuff happens, and sometimes this kinda stuff happens _a lot _for other people…" This provoked Beast Boy to flick Cyborg's head, knowing that he was being referenced in the last comment.

"You'll get another shot at it," the leader of the Titans concluded to me. "Next chance we have, you can come out with us again. As long as you feel like you're ready, we'll be ready for you too."

"Thank you" was all my voice could produce.

Cyborg immediately switched on the movie again and everyone looked up to the screen, wearing even brighter smiles. I sniffed and started watching the movie too, thankful for the cover of darkness. After a while, the pillow stashed between Beast Boy and I shifted slightly and I felt something slither over to my side.

Beast Boy's gloved hand clasped over mine and I squeezed it rightly. Although my eyes faced the projected screen, I was distracted by the way Beast Boy massaged my hand, using his thumb to trace the swollen knuckles I received from using the punching bag. Neither of us said anything and I doubted any of the Titans noticed the gesture, but even then, I trembled with fright. It was a very dangerous move. We were sitting in the direct vicinity of the people who had enforced a promise and there we were, plain as day, proving that we had broken it. This was the most public I had ever been with the green changeling yet, aside from our encounter with Lust, and it was both scary and thrilling. I was almost convinced the Titans could hear my heart thumping away. I guess it meant so much to me because Beast Boy was against telling the Titans and yet he still took a risk to comfort me.

I didn't get to tell the Titans as I greatly wished I could, but at least I had the chance to enjoy the privacy of our relationship. For all I knew, moments like these may never happen again.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thanks again for reading and a special thanks to **Santoramon** for suggesting ideas for me to improve _Amnesia_. I always appreciate the time you each of guys take the read this and I'm always happy to hear what you have to say (just don't be mean please *nervous laughter*). I'll be back in two weeks with the next update. Goodbye!


	39. Open Secrets

**Author's Note: **Hey everybody. I had a lot going on this week so I'm sorry that the chapter isn't as long as I would have preferred. I also have a lot to do today with homework and projects, which is why I wanted to post it as early as I could. I'm really sorry about that, but I'll keep the story flowing, as promised. Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary:** Very early into the morning, Raven wakes up to practice in the Gym. Upset by her failure with Mother Mae-Eye, she decides to use her anger as a motivation to improve her skills. Beast Boy knows Raven well: he confronts her in the Gym and it quickly escalates into an argument. Raven is distressed by everything from her abilities, her Emoticlones, her amnesia, and especially the secret about her relationship with Beast Boy. She asks Beast Boy is she could come clean to the Titans, thinking it could relieve the tension among them all, but Beast Boy goes against it. He stresses to her that the Titans will not be happy about what he did and that they'll blame him for how Raven feels and what she has done. Raven doesn't take no for an answer. They continue to argue and eventually, Beast Boy complies, but under one condition: he knows that telling the Titans now would truly ruin them, due to a situation that Raven is unaware about, so he asks her to wait a little longer before sharing the secret. This decision frustrates Raven, enough that the Titans notice it and they want to cheer her up, thinking that she's upset about her last mission. At one point, Beast Boy fears that Raven will betray him and spill the secret anyway, but Raven chooses not to. As much as she wants to tell the Titans, Raven refuses to break a promise like what Beast Boy had done to her in the past.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 39: _Open Secrets_

After a long day like yesterday, you'd think sleeping would be a priority for me. I stayed up all night again, doing whatever I could do to keep my Emoticlones and my emotions at bay. More journal entries, more meditation sessions, more time spent conversing with my Emoticlones. If I accomplished any amount of sleep, I don't remember it. The whole night was a blur but either way, by the time the sun rose, I was utterly exhausted.

I did this for many reasons. I was still afraid to sleep, knowing that my dreams were most vivid and most terrifying when my Emoticlones were restless, so I didn't even want to risk shutting my eyes. There was still a lot I needed to do to keep them satisfied. I was very conflicted about the decision I made with Beast Boy yesterday because while some of my Emoticlones agreed, like Wisdom and Affection, there were some who disagrees, like Rude and Brave. They often clashed in Nevermore and I had to settle the argument several times. It wasn't easy though. Both sides made valid points about whether or not I should stay faithful to my decision, but I made it clear to everyone: I was not going to debate it anymore and my choice is final‒nothing would get me to disobey Beast Boy.

Around nine o'clock in the morning, I went upstairs to make myself some breakfast, knowing I was overdue for some food in my system. Beast Boy was already in the Main Ops room and he lept to his feet when I entered.

"Morning!"

"Hey," I responded with not nearly enough enthusiasm.

A mug of herbal tea was passed into my hands. I barely registered this transaction because I was still groggy from last night's endeavours, but I graciously thanked Beast Boy for the help. He brushed it off as if it were nothing.

"It's okay, Rae. Really. You look like you need it."

"I won't even deny it." I took a quick sip of the hot beverage, inhaling the warmth that circulated within the ceramic cup. Beast Boy watched me quietly before he shifted the topic.

"You feeling any better from yesterday?" I nodded once I swallowed. "Raven, it's not that I don't care about you, alright? I know how badly you wanted to tell them, but...thanks for waiting with me."

"I just want what's best for you," I told him earnestly. "For us. I really think we should tell them and if you think we should wait then fine, we'll wait. But it can't be for long."

"And I completely agree with you. One-hundred percent. We'll tell them as soon as we can."

"Okay. Thank you."

"Hmm."

Just then, Cyborg strolled into the room, casually reading an article from the newspaper. He didn't really notice us right away but Beast Boy brighten up immediately.

"What's up, Chrome Dome! I was just about to call you over! You want toast and OJ, right?"

"Uh, yeah," Cyborg said, who was caught off-guard by the question. "I was about to-"

"Say no more. Coming right up!"

Beast Boy scurried back into the kitchen and started pulling things out of drawers and cabinets. Cyborg walked up the island and leaned against the counter with his elbow. We were both trying not the laugh.

"What's up with this? Making Raven some tea and now you're making me some breakfast?"

"I'm just trying to be nice," the green changeling replied, popping several slices of bread into the toaster. "You want any, Raven?"

"No, I'm fine. Thanks anyway, Beast Boy."

"Oh, I see how it is," Cyborg said dauntingly, seating himself in one of the stools. He pointed an accusing finger at the pea-green boy. "You're just sucking up to everyone because you wanna order another one of those stupid things you saw on TV. That, or you messed up big-time and you know you're gonna be in trouble."

"Look, do you want the toast or not?"

"Hell yeah I do!"

"Then shut your mouth before I change my mind," Beast Boy scoffed with a smirk.

I smiled into my steaming cup. Sometimes, I can forget how clever Beast Boy really is. If he had only made breakfast for me, anyone would've looked at us funny and suspected that something was going on. But because Beast Boy offered the same service to Cyborg, it seemed to have acquired a new meaning. That was our plan set in motion and hopefully it would be enough to distract the Titans from what was really happening between Beast Boy and I.

I thanked Beast Boy for the tea, raised my cup to Cyborg, and then levitated back towards my bedroom. There was a long day ahead of me: not necessarily in the sense that I had much to do. In fact, I had _nothing_ to do. My schedule depended on whether or not we'd receive intel about a crime in progress, and even if we did receive an alert, it would have to be a villain that the Titans could approve for me. The likelihood of that was pretty low so I had to entertain myself throughout the entire day. My boring routine was already getting on my nerves and this inspired me to find new things to keep it interesting.

After obtaining permission, I sparred against Starfire in the gymnasium as a way to get a good workout. We only practiced for 30 minutes but because we got very competitive with each other, it took us another 10 minutes to catch our breath. I ate leftover Chinese food for lunch and then I treated myself to a nice bubble bath, using a lavender soap that I had found in Starfire's collection of cosmetics. It was barely 2 o'clock when I emerged from the bathroom, my skin balmy from the fragranced soak. I was dried and dressed in a matter of minutes and, out of bad habit, I headed upstairs to check for news.

There was still no sign of trouble on the radars. Robin had been monitoring them almost constantly, rarely leaving the Main Ops room. He stationed himself at the computer and each time I visited him, he logged out of whatever program he was using and always addressed me directly.

"It's just a slow day, Raven. And we don't get these very much. We'll tell you if something comes up, but you shouldn't be worrying about it anyway. Go on and enjoy the time off. You deserve it."

Now that I think about it, I feel so guilty for bothering him all those times. The Titans have practically worked everyday for who-knows-how-long and there I was, _hoping_ for someone to commit a crime. I knew they needed the rest and I needed it too, but something inside of me desired a mission. I didn't care what it was: just anything to get me out of the Tower and into the battlefield.

There was only so much I could learn from sparring with the Titans and using the obstacle course: I needed to experience something real if I was ever going to improve.

Since I had done just about everything I needed to do, and just about everything that I liked to do, I was, once again, seeking for entertainment. Actually, I wanted someplace quiet to rest, aside from the bedroom I had grown accustomed to. I felt like the Main Ops room was too loud and the Titans were scattered all throughout the building so I wanted to go to a place where nobody was. To fulfill my desires, I lapped around the Tower several times, always taking different routes so that I wouldn't wind up in the same place again. This method led me past all sorts of rooms, from the Infirmary to the Game Room and even the Crime Lab. But then I ended up in a rarely-visited Wing of the Tower, where an abandoned room, identified only by a strange name, resided.

I opened the door to Terra's room and I walked inside, greeted by stale air and dust particles that tickled my nose. While everything remained the same from the last time I was here, filth had accumulated onto the furniture. The shades were drawn, preventing light and warmth from coming into the room, and the walls seemed to repel all outside noises, making it truly feel like I was alone. I knew it wasn't healthy to be breathing in the toxins of debris and decay, but I also knew I had found the perfect place to relax.

I gingerly seated myself on the sofa, not wanting to disturb the eerie tranquility of the vacant bedroom. Then, I crossed my legs, took a deep breath, and started to levitate. Being in an environment very similar to my own haunting chamber, I immediately felt a connection to Nevermore. I felt isolated from some of the biggest factors of my life: the Titans, my amnesia, the world outside Titans Tower, and this made it so easy for me to contact my Emoticlones and review their current status. In a way, I felt _free_ in this confined room because no one was here to judge me, to see me do what I wanted to do or to see me be who I wanted to be, whoever that person was. However, this serene sensation didn't last very long.

"Raven?"

Alerted to the sound of the door opening, I ceased my flight and landed onto the couch. I then jumped onto my feet as if I had been caught doing a crime. The mechanical man was still in the doorway. He peered at me curiously over the spray bottles, old rags, and feather dusters in his arms.

"Cyborg! Wha- What are you doing here?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing," Cyborg replied as he lugged the cleaning supplies into the room. "This place isn't exactly a popular hangout…"

"Sorry, I- I didn't mean to be nosey. I was just looking around and-"

"I'm not mad, Raven. It's okay. No harm done."

"Are you sure?"

"What? It's not like this place is being used anyway and I doubt anyone else cares about what happens to it. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who still cares…"

"So why do you come here then?" I inquired, not wanting to offend Cyborg.

"Just to tidy it up a bit. It gets dusty pretty quick and I'm surprised to see it occupied for once. Is this your first time up here?"

"I found it a while ago. Actually, the last time I was here, I tried to clean the room but I guess everything was already so neat and organized from you cleaning it. All I could do was dust everything."

"Well I appreciate the work, Raven. Thanks for helping."

"Sure. No problem."

Cyborg arranged the contents of his cleaning supplies onto the floor and set to work. He grabbed a rag and started wipe down the surface of the coffee table, just like what I had previously done. I stood there for a while and, thinking he could use some help, I grabbed a feather duster and went over to the other side of the room. Terra had a sparse bookshelf, much to my displeasure, but it was still worth the time to dust it. Together, we worked in silence and I didn't mind it at all: the room retained its magical ability to appear alone, even amongst such commotion.

"Honestly," Cyborg told me after some time had passed. "I'm kinda glad you're here."

"How come?"

"Nobody dares to step foot in here anymore and I'm the only one who still does."

"Nobody, huh?"

"Yeah. It's been too long since this place has been properly used. It needs more attention, besides us cleaning it all the time."

"It is a very pretty room," I commented.

"I remember when it was first being painted. Everyone pitched in to get it done and we were so happy when we finished. I think Terra really liked it too, but it's a shame she didn't get to use it for long."

"Can I ask who Terra was?" I blurted suddenly, walking back towards the mechanical man. "I know this is her room but she's not living her anymore, is she?"

The topic really seemed to touch Cyborg because he paused to recollect himself. At the time, he was holding the silver heart-shaped box and polishing it with a rag: my question had caused him to stop cleaning it. He sighed and, for a moment, I wondered if I had made a mistake in asking him that question. After all, it was none of my business, but I was curious. The owner of this room had discontinued their residency at Titans Tower and there had to be a reason behind this.

At last, Cyborg set the box down and pulled himself to his feet. He then settled down onto the couch and I sat down too, being sure I wouldn't bother him by sitting too close.

"Terra...she was one of us. She was a Titan. She was young and smart and she was so innocent at the time. I almost can't believe how truly amazing she was."

"Really?"

"No question about it. Terra was a very powerful girl. Hell, sometimes I think she was stronger than me."

"Have I ever met her before?"

"Yeah. Long before your amnesia. I'm not sure if you still remember her, but she had blue eyes and blonde hair. She could bend the earth too, which probably explains why her name was Terra. Does that ring a bell?"

"I don't think so, but she does sounds familiar," I assured him, wanting to learn more about the Titan that had vanished. "So she was a friend of yours?"

"Oh yeah. She was everybody's friend at the time. You guys didn't get along at first," Cyborg told me with a small smile. "It took a little longer for you two to really come to terms."

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No no, you did nothing wrong."

"Is she mad at me? Am I the reason why she isn't here now?"

"No, Raven, that's not it. And I doubt she's mad at you."

"Doubt? You mean you don't know?"

"Nobody has seen her for a long time, Raven. She's gone."

"Gone? Do you think she's okay?"

"Well, I mean, the last time I saw her, she was sacrificing herself to save the city…"

"She _sacrificed_ herself?" I repeated. "How?"

"We were in the caves beneath the city and Terra's powers triggered a volcano. Lava was flowing everywhere and we had to get out, but Terra stayed behind. She did everything she could to stop the lava and she ended up taking in the full effects of her powers."

"What happened?" I urged him. "Was she dead?"

"She turned to stone, along with all the lava in the cave. We didn't know what to do. We tried everything to revive her and nothing worked. I feel so horrible about it sometimes. It was because of what Terra did that the city was saved and we lived and we couldn't do anything to help her."

Even though Cyborg was presenting all of this new information to me, I couldn't help but plunder him with more questions. I was so intrigued by their history, by the memories that I had forgotten yet share with the Titans. This only proves how deep my amnesia went and how badly my memory was impaired.

"Why were you guys down in the caves beneath the city?" I asked him. "What were you doing down there?"

"Terra was down there. That's what. She got herself into a mess and Beast Boy went after her, thinking there was still a way she could be saved. I can't imagine what she must've went through, with all that pain and torture, and she couldn't seem to get herself outta trouble. We knew about what was going on, but this wasn't something we could take down so easily. Terra would probably still be here if it weren't for-"

The mechanical man stopped himself. He looked down at his clasped hands and shook his head, refusing to elaborate. I offered a suggestion to the conclusion of his sentence.

"...if it weren't for a bad guy?"

"Yeah. And not just any bad guy, not the ones we take down everyday who just wanna steal candy from babies: the worst-of-the-worst."

"You mean someone like Slade?"

"What?"

"Did Slade do that? Was he the reason why you guys were down there in the first place?"

Cyborg gave me a confused look and I reciprocated his expression, insisting for an answer. I should've realized what I had said at the time but I was so captivated by the story of the lost Titan. If Terra faced the same villain that I faced months and months ago, the one that supposedly took my memory away from me, then maybe I could learn more about him through these stories. Cyborg did look uncomfortable with the subject but Eventually, he sighed and leaned forward, almost reprimanding me in a firm voice.

"Raven, Slade is a bad guy. He isn't some everyday criminal; he's a real villain. He has plans to ruin the city and possibly kill people in the process. This wasn't the first time he's messed with anybody, okay? He's been after Robin and, yeah, he went for Terra, but I can't tell ya how pissed I am that he got you too. He's done this before, to you, I mean, but we're not going to let that happen. Alright? We've seen what Slade can do and we know now how to stop him. You have nothing to worry about with him."

"Wait, did he-?"

"I don't know, Raven. This isn't the easiest thing to talk about. Robin can get...obsessed with him in a way and we've seen the things he is capable of. We shouldn't be discussing it anyway."

"So is Slade the reason why Terra is dead now?"

Cyborg shrugged: "Actually, I don't think she's dead." Before I could ask another question, the mechanical man explained everything he knew. "From what I heard, Terra did come to again, but I don't know how or why. BB said he saw Terra out on the streets and I believe him on that‒her statue is gone, but she never stepped out to us. Even if she is alive, I guess she just wanted to...move on, or something. I can't really blame her..."

"Beast Boy saw her last?"

"Yeah. I think losing Terra hurt him the most. That Grass Stain was head-over-heels for that girl and everyone knew it. I'm sure, deep down, he still misses Terra so much, even if he won't admit it."

"Were they- did they ever-?" I couldn't even finish my question.

"Honestly, I don't know," he dismissed quickly. "He doesn't like to talk about it..."

My heart was already on the verge of collapsing and I could feel my Emoticlones stirring in Nevermore. I couldn't get the thought of Beast Boy with another girl out of my mind.

_Could it be true? _I asked myself. _Did Beast Boy used to love this girl? The girl who owned this room? The one that sacrificed herself for the Titans?_

I was in no position to be making these assumptions. Now, I know that Beast Boy can't change what he did in the past‒I'm beginning to learn this too‒but there I was, freaking out about how he used to be in a relationship with this girl that I don't even remember. My amnesia made our relationship difficult enough and now I was learning that Beast Boy loved a girl who sacrificed herself so they could live. I felt jealous and I knew it. Who wouldn't be jealous?

_Cyborg thinks she's a hero and Beast Boy liked her so much, so why does Beast Boy love me? Why is he with me? Was I his second choice and he only chose me because he lost Terra? Why can't I remember this?!_

"Raven?"

I realized that I had been staring down at the heart-shaped box this whole time and I blinked to gather my senses. My eyes snapped up to Cyborg; I hated the look of concern he was giving me.

"Sorry. I just remembered that I didn't meditate today. I better go."

"Oh, uh...okay," he fumbled. Cyborg knew right away that I was lying. I could see it in the way he reacted, feel it in the way his mind clicked to find the error, but he didn't question it. "Sure. You go on ahead, Raven."

"Thanks."

And that's when I vowed to never return to Terra's room ever again.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Thanks again for reading! I'm excited to get started on the next chapter and I'll be sure to update again in two weeks. I hope everything is going well for you guys. Stay safe and enjoy the upcoming holiday!


	40. Ongoing Mistakes

**Author's Note:** Hey everybody! I really hope you guys enjoyed your Halloween. It's kinda funny. That was my LAST Halloween celebrated at home as a child, the youngest I'll ever be again. Next year, I'll be in college and that scares me so much (like _Oh my God, I can't trick-or-treat anymore and this is a problem_). Anyways, that day was also my LAST JV Conference as a high school swimmer. I've been swimming for over half my life and I swam all four years of high school too. It's quite a story, but I'm not going to get into it. I'm still very emotional about it because I won't be swimming in college‒I'll be playing water polo instead. It's hard to say goodbye to this sport, but I'm done now and I won't be doing it again, except to stay in shape for polo. I guess it's hard knowing that I'll never be as fast as I was at that meet ever again and that's an incredible thing for me to think about.

Well, that's all I really have to say for now, just a little excerpt from my life :) I hope you guys had just as much fun on Halloween as I did. Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary:** While waiting for a new, suitable mission to arise, Raven battles boredom at Titans Tower. She shares a small breakfast with Beast Boy, trains with Starfire in the Gym, and enjoys a nice bath, but nothing seems to keep her entertained. She is still terribly occupied over her latest decision so she finds it hard to keep her emotions in balance. To combat this, Raven retreats to Terra's empty bedroom, finding peace and solstice. However, she is shocked when Cyborg discovers her in there. Raven thinks Cyborg would be upset with her, though it turns out that Cyborg is actually happy to see someone enjoying the bedroom again, which used to belong to a Teen Titan named Terra. Raven questions more about this girl, who she had forgotten about, and Cyborg accidentally reveals that she used to have a relationship with Beast Boy. While Cyborg doesn't know about Raven's current relationship with the green changeling, he realizes that what he had said hurt Raven and he quickly assures her that it wasn't a big deal. Raven, however, believes this revelation will only harm their relationship even more.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 40: _Ongoing Mistakes_

We had quite a few false alarms throughout the week. Everything from theft, terrorism, and even public nuisances occurred in Jump City and everything was captured on the Titan's high-tech radar system. If the signal went off, it could be heard from all corners of the Tower and whenever it did go off, I would immediately drop what I was doing and race to the Main Ops room. Once everyone reported for duty, the Titans would determine if it was a suitable criminal for me to fight and, each time, I had to be dismissed.

"Another time, Raven."

"Not this one. He's too dangerous."

"I'm sorry...but I'm sure you'll get to go next time."

It was a struggle to pick myself up from the emotional high and to stay hopeful. Although it hurt whenever the Titans didn't include me on the mission, I did respect their opinions. Not wanting a repeat of the last mission, I trusted that the Titans knew what they were doing and that they were aware of how important this was to me, that this wasn't something I was willing to wait for.

Hopefully, they trusted me just as much.

When the call did finally come in, I almost debated whether or not I should waste the trip upstairs. It had been four days since I had the conversation with Cyborg in Terra's room so I still felt uneasy. Add that to how I felt about missing a whole bunch of missions and that created a pretty sour mood for me. Meditation seemed to improve my emotions just slightly, but the thought of being let down again continued to linger in the back of my mind, even as I made my way to the Main Ops room.

Everyone was there to greet me, but the first person to do so was Beast Boy. Completely oblivious to my troubles, he spoke to me enthusiastically about what had been captured on the radar. Normally, I would be happy to hear that I could be attending a mission, but seeing Beast Boy reminded me about the decision we made to keep our relationship a secret; about what Cyborg had told me about Terra, Beast Boy's "first" love; about everything involving Beast Boy that worried me. Despite my distress, I played along with his mood, hoping some of it could be transferred onto me. There was no point in letting this worry impact Beast Boy anyway.

"You won't believe this, Raven. Robin thinks we finally have someone for you to take down."

"Really?"

"Yeah! He's almost too perfect for us to fight together. It would be a good time for you to get some practice in with us."

"So who is it then?" I asked. "What's this guy's name?"

"Control Freak," Cyborg piped up from across the room.

"Is he really bad?"

"If you mean _bad_ as in _bad at being bad_ then yeah, he's bad."

When I gave Beast Boy a confused look, he just laughed: "He's not even in our top list of super villains. I don't think he's evil enough to _be_ a villain."

"Well he sounds nice," I said with a smirk.

"Yeah." Then, the green changeling leaned closer to me and he told me something in a lower voice. "Honestly, you could take him down in a single shot. He's got nothing on you so this is a good time for you to show off what you can do. Make us proud out there."

"Alright Titans! Listen up."

Robin's speech instinctively drew us away from each other. The masked boy stood in the doorway, his hands on his hips as he addressed the members of his team. Everyone looked up to him with eager eyes and proud smiles.

"We got Control Freak on our radar again but it looks like he's just asking for attention. The plan is simple: take him out before he actually does something stupid." This provoked a laugh from everybody. "So, are you up for it, Raven?"

"I'll be there," I confirmed.

"Great. Titans, move out!"

Following protocol, we boarded the T-car and Cyborg drove us into straight Jump City with great speed. Robin continued to research Control Freak's whereabouts beside him while Starfire, Beast Boy, and I sat silently in the back seats. I turned my gaze out the window, contacting my Emoticlones almost effortlessly. I needed to put my worries to rest.

_Everything okay?_ I asked, my voice echoing in Nevermore.

_We are just fine, Raven,_ Wisdom answered.

_Is everyone there? Does everyone understand _

_Yes. We are all here and ready to fight under your command, Raven._

_I sure hope so._

Cyborg spun the wheel and the vehicle skidded to a screeching stop. The doors opened and everyone spilled from the T-car, our weapons drawn and our powers activated. In the nearby movie theater, which was now abandoned by all citizens, the "villain" could be seen. He had no intention to be there except to entertain himself with his remote control and the Titans knew that he needed to be stopped, mostly because the manager of the theater was outraged by the disturbance.

The fight itself didn't last very long, as the Titans predicted, but enough had happened.

Before we could engage with Control Freak, Starfire suggested to me that I fight alongside her. That way, she could intervene if her help was needed and it was definitely a safer option than leaving me to spectate in the T-car. Not wanting to waste any time arguing, I immediately agreed. The Titans confirmed the objective of this mission‒to take down Control Freak as quickly and as quietly as possible‒and then we all charged into the building.

What really impressed me about the Titans at the time was how well they functioned as a team. They didn't necessarily have a plan-of-action to take down criminals but they were all aware of each other and they worked together in an almost ideal harmony. The Titans were able to coordinate their spontaneous attacks with little thought. Sometimes, they could even join together for specific offensives and defenses, just like what I ended up doing with Starfire. While I did feel a lot safer with the tangerine girl by my side, that doesn't mean things went very well.

The fight seemed to have been coming to a close. Everyone was busy taking on one of the minions that Control Freak had spawned with his powerful remote. Robin was fighting one of the cardboard cutouts of a famous actor and Beast Boy and Cyborg worked together to fight an outraged popcorn machine. Meanwhile, Starfire was unleashing an onslaught of starbolts at the source of the commotion, Control Freak and his remote, so I decided to help her.

In addition to the orbs of lime-green energy, the bolts of my eldritch powers seemed to overwhelm the Couch Potato. He even started retreating, clicking the red button repeatedly in an effort to save himself. We advanced onto him, our attacks relentless, and there was hope that Control Freak's defense was ready to collapse. Then, out of the corner of my eye, something moved so quickly that it caught my attention. It also moved so quickly that I didn't have enough time to properly react to it.

Control Freak had caused one of the large soda machines to come to life and its first instinct was to come after me. It was so close to me and I was so surprised by this that I involuntarily backed away. But, because my back had been facing Starfire, when I flew backwards, we ended up colliding in the air.

The both of us lost our balance and we fell to the ground in a jumbled heap. We weren't hurt, though the rough landing left us dazed for a moment and incapable to defend ourselves. Control Freak managed to escape our attacks, leaving the lumbering machine to finish us off. While we struggled to get up, Cyborg interfered with Control Freak's minion, who was still pursuing us, and Robin and Beast Boy teamed up to corner the "villain" himself. Control Freak had a few more tricks up his sleeve, including an attempt to revive a Slurpee machine, but when he lost his grip on the remote control, he was promptly subdued.

I was completely livid at myself. As quick as it had started, the mission was over. Control Freak was restrained in a pair of handcuffs and put into custody. I barely did anything to help the Titans defeat their enemy and what's worse, I made an embarrassing mistake which caused both Starfire and I to fall from the fight. I felt like I didn't have a chance to prove anything to the Titans, but at the same time, I knew my chance had come and gone.

We rode home in even heavier silence than before, Beast Boy becoming the division between the green-sclera alien and I. The incident today required an explanation. I could even sense Starfire's anxiousness to speak with me, although she didn't say anything until we were all inside the elevator at our home.

"Friend Raven, please do not put the hardness on yourself," she chided me once the platform started moving. "I thought you were wonderful today."

"I messed up again," I said, wanting to dismiss the awkward conversation. "Once again, I panicked and I got hurt, only this time, I took you out too. That doesn't sound so _wonderful _to me."

"You had a few mishaps," Cyborg interrupted. "But you pulled through in the end. You and Star had some good teamwork out there and that's nothing to be mad about."

"Yes. I am not upset about what you had done during our fight with the Dork," Starfire added with an honest smile. "Perhaps, next time, I might suggest for you to-"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore!" I stressed to her. "Of all places, you're talking about this now? Just stop it! Can't you see I'm already in a bad mood?!"

The tangerine girl was visibly shaken by my outburst. She didn't seem to understand why I got mad at her all of a sudden‒she was almost too innocent to understand that this topic was very emotional to me and that I didn't want to talk about it in front of everyone. However, without a second thought, she obediently complied.

As soon as the elevator arrived to the designated floor, Starfire was the first to exit and she left on her own two feet. Cyborg and Beast Boy walked off in the opposite direction from her, most likely with the intention of making a late lunch in the Main Ops room, but I remained in the hallway. I watched Starfire until she turned into the corridor where our bedrooms were located and her footfalls could no longer be heard. I stared down at my feet, angry for not only embarrassing Starfire but also embarrassing myself in front of the Titans. Then, I realized that there was another presence next to me.

"In all the time that I knew Starfire, even before we started dating, I knew right away that she didn't kept her feelings a secret. She never did. Anyone could tell if she was happy or mad about something, and I don't think that's a bad thing, but one thing's for sure, Starfire likes to talk to someone when she's upset, and Raven? She looked _really_ upset."

"I shouldn't have said that," I told Robin. "She didn't deserve any of it. I feel so horrible."

"You should go talk to her," he suggested. "Tell her how you feel and explain to her why you felt like that."

"I think I'm the last person she wants to see right now."

"Then make sure you're the first."

* * *

I stood outside Starfire's door for what seemed like an eternity. She was still confined to her bedroom but I could barely sense her because she rarely seemed to move in there. It was all too quiet. Gingerly, to my discretion, I raised my hand and knocked. A soft voice beckoned me to enter and the door slid open.

I couldn't recall ever being in Starfire's room before, although it mirrored the description of her character. There were abnormal hues scattered among the chamber, exotic furniture with irregular angles and curves, and foreign artifacts with unknown uses and origins. The alien herself was sitting at the epicenter of a circular bed. She looked up at me and presented a welcoming smile, despite my obvious grief.

"Starfire? Can we talk?"

She patted the mattress and, reluctantly, I crossed the room and took a seat. Before I could conjure up the dreaded and much-needed conversation, Starfire gestured to my head.

"Please, may I?"

Not exactly sure what she meant, I shrugged. Starfire immediately started to hover about a foot off the mattress and she then moved behind me. I tried to follow her but she instructed me to face the other way and to remain very still. It was horribly strange at the time and it wasn't until I felt her hands running through my hair that I figured out what she was doing.

My gaze dropped to the floor as I sat obediently on the bed. Starfire's long fingers raked through my hair, combing out the tangles it had collected from being jostled around outside. For quite some time, it was quiet between us. She busied herself by playing with my hair and I said nothing, unsure of what to say. At some point, Silkie joined the camaraderie. He made his way into my lap without my notice and I welcomed him with a small laugh. I rubbed his belly absentmindedly while the tangerine girl began to take locks of my hair and weave it with one another.

"You wished to speak with me, yes?" Starfire said at last.

"I- I came here to apologize about what I had said to you earlier."

"There is no need for the apology, Friend Raven."

"I shouldn't have said that to you. That was wrong of me and I feel so bad about it. I regret it so much…"

Starfire didn't say anything after that and neither did I, worrying that she was still hurt by my words. Eventually, though, Starfire left the bed to retrieve the mirror that was on her dresser. She handed it to me so I could see my hair from different angles. The tangerine girl had spent about 20 minutes entwining my purple hair into several braids, each varying in size and length. While her handiwork was very well done, the style looked absolutely horrible on me.

I tried to hide my disgust, not wanting to hurt Starfire's feelings, but she giggled at my wide-eyed reaction: "Perhaps this is not to your liking?"

"My hair doesn't like anything that I do to it," I remarked.

"Hmm."

Once again, she searched her dresser for a comb and a hair-tie and then she set herself back to work. Her fingers massaged through my scalp, carefully undoing the entangled cords of hair she had created so she could begin the tedious process once again. I sighed into her mesmerizing touch and, for a moment, I wished I had longer hair.

While my current coiffure was easy to manage, it wasn't easy to style. My hair probably looked the same as when it was before my amnesia and there wasn't very much I could do with it either. Starfire's hair was the exact opposite of mine; there was a billion different possibilities she could do with it and although I preferred shorter hair, I was jealous of how good it looked on her.

"I just can't believe what I did today," I murmured.

"Each day is different from the last."

"Yeah, because it's not like this is the first time I ever messed up."

I blew an annoying strand of hair out of my eyes. Seeing this, Starfire picked up the comb and started to glide it over my head, pulling the hair away from my face.

"I feel like I keep repeating myself," I lamented. "I feel like I'm just making the same mistakes over and over again and I'm too stupid to realize what I'm doing wrong. I'm probably the biggest idiot in the world."

"I am able to understand how you must feel," the alien said mournfully. "You are not the only one who commits the mistakes."

"What makes you say that?"

For a moment, Starfire stopped playing with my hair. She took a deep breath and then began her work again, stroking the comb through my hair with even more delicacy than before.

"I, too, still feel the grief of my past mistakes," the tangerine girl whispered. "As a member of this team, it is our duty to protect the innocent people of the city, although not every mission has been victorious."

"I wouldn't say that," I assured her. "It seems like I'm making more mistakes than you guys."

"No no, Friend Raven. You are still training to use your abilities so it is inevitable to make the mistakes. It is I who does not have the excuse for the mistakes."

"That makes no sense. I hear from Cyborg and Robin all the time that they make mistakes and that it isn't a bad thing."

"It is because the mistakes they make do not harm those around them."

Starfire dropped her hands and this time, I turned to face her. She lowered herself onto the bed and we leaned into each other, as if sharing a secret. Even then, Starfire looked conflicted on whether or not she was doing the right thing. She was careful about her word choice.

"What happened?"

"People were in trouble, Friend Raven, and I had to protect them. She-" Starfire shook her head. "She was attacking a vehicle with innocent people inside, Raven, and I needed to help them."

"What did you do?"

"I assisted each passenger out of the vehicle and then it was I who was in the trouble. I had no choice. I had to use to vehicle to defend myself but I failed to fulfill my duties as a Teen Titan."

"But that's okay, right? I mean, you saved everybody in the car. You're a hero!"

"No," she told me pitifully. "The people I had saved were not happy, Friend Raven. Their vehicle was destroyed and I was at fault. That is not something a _hero_ would do."

I was going to make an argument against this but Starfire squared up to me, holding me an arm's length away.

"You must understand this, Raven. There shall be instances when your judgement is different from the others, but you must do what _you_ believe is just. It is _you_ who has the better judgement, _you_ are the member of this team, and _you_ understand what must be done in order to save those around you. Please…"

I nodded slowly to Starfire's advice. It seemed there was a deeper meaning to all of this but I didn't understand it as well as she hoped I would. She looked distressed about it too, which made me feel terribly guilty.

Somewhat saddened, Starfire picked up the comb and she took flight.

"Can I ask you something?" I blurted.

"Of course."

"How long have you and Robin been together?"

The green-sclera alien genuinely laughed and I ducked my head out of embarrassment. Because I had moved again, Starfire carefully repositioned my head so that it was tilted a certain way. She began to work again once her giggles had been suppressed.

"For what reason do you ask such a question?"

"Well, I know you've been with Robin for a while, probably longer than I've had my amnesia, right? And, well, he was talking about you before I came here…"

"Ah," she said, thinking fondly of the masked leader of the Titans. "Yes, Robin and I have been in the relationship for quite some time."

"I just thought it was sweet that you guys are living here and doing a good service for the city together. It's really romantic, you know? You guys really are heros and, honestly, I think it's great that you guys are so happy together."

I could sense Starfire smiling behind me: "Thank you. And please, do not feel jealous, Friend Raven. I am sure there is a male who believes you are most appealing in correlation to his standards."

I chuckled at the alien's strange lingo and she grinned as she finished her work. Finally, Starfire gathered a bunch of my hair using the comb and she secured it tightly with the hair-tie, leaving my bangs out to frame my face. Satisfied, I thanked Starfire again for her help and I apologize once more about what I had said earlier. In return, she assured me that my apology was never needed.

I didn't expect to encounter any of these things by visiting Starfire's room, but I left it feeling much better than before. Remembering what time it was, I exited the bedroom with the intention of heading straight to the Main Ops room for a meal that I had missed. However, Beast Boy spotted me across the hallway and he called my name. We hurried over to greet each other.

"Hey! There you are. I got kinda worried 'cause I couldn't find you when lunch was ready."

"Oh, sorry. I was just talking with Starfire. I needed to apologize to her about earlier."

"About what happened during the dance-off with Control Freak or-?"

"Both," I said quickly.

Beast Boy nodded in understanding: "Well, it sounds like you patched things up pretty well. That's good! Good for you."

"Yeah. Starfire seemed to feel a lot better once we got to talk in private. I think I just needed to tell her how I felt too."

"Wow. Then I guess there's no need for us to talk, huh?"

"We can talk if you want to later," I chuckled. "I don't mind it. But I really want to eat first, if that's alright."

"FYI, there's a huge pot of pasta on the stove. It should still be warm for you."

"Oh Azar, thank you so much, Beast Boy. I'm starving."

We embraced quickly and then I started off down the hallway, already imagining the food that the Titans had prepared. A few paces later, the pea-green boy called out to me one more time.

"Oh, and- uh, Raven? By the way, I like what Star did with your hair. It looks nice on you."

I brushed one of my bangs behind my ear and smiled. I did thank him for the compliment but I had to turn away and start walking again because I was blushing profusely.

_Maybe I should wear it like this more often, _I thought.

After a hearty meal and a night spent chatting with Beast Boy on the roof, my mood improved so much‒no amount of meditation could even bring my emotions up like that. I slept longer than I usually did and I woke up feeling energized and content, which turned out to be very important to me. The next call didn't come in until later the next day. It happened while I was in my bedroom and Cyborg notified me about this by urgently knocking on my door. I immediately told him that I would be coming but I hesitated to leave so soon.

A new mission was a new chance to show the Titans what I was capable of. I had made mistakes before, but my conversation with Starfire changed the way I thought about it. In fact, I also realized that _I_ had to change the way I approached these missions. Doing the same thing over and over again won't give me different results. Obviously, something was wrong and if I didn't change on this mission, then I would continue to _be_ wrong and I'll never stop making mistakes.

This time, it was going to be different.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I'm really sorry that this chapter was posted later than normal. I actually had to write a lot of this last-minute because I was busy with extracurricular stuff but hopefully now that swimming is over, I'll have more time to write. I'll let you guys know if anything changes :) Thanks again for reading and, as always, I'm open for requests, suggestions, and ideas in your comments. Bye!


	41. Fits Like a Glove

**Author's Note:** Hi everyone! Alright so I got some news‒unfortunately, due to the workload from school, I'll have to delay the next update for _Amnesia_. I don't want to do this but there's just no way I can get another chapter done. I was booked with so much work just this weekend and next week, I'll be missing school days to go on a college visit, which means more work to make up and more work outside of school too. I'm really really _really_ sorry that I have to delay the next chapter but I'll need the extra time to keep this story rolling, and with the extra time, I'll be able to revise and edit these chapters even more so it's perfect. With that said, the next update will be on December 6th and I'll post it as promptly as possible. I hate making you guys wait but this would be the best option for me. I hope that's alright with all of you.

Anyways, I've kept you guys waiting enough. Go on and get reading!

**A Previous Summary:** After countless false alarms, Raven finally gets the chance to go on a mission. She is very nervous to be fighting the villain so when the time comes, Raven doesn't perform to her liking. Running into Starfire was an accident, though Raven doesn't forgive herself, even when the tangerine girl assured her that it was no problem. Raven ends up barking at Starfire, hurting her feelings in the process. Robin suggests to Raven that she goes to apologize but when Raven shows up at Starfire's bedroom, the alien doesn't wish to hear any apologies. The two girls end up bonding and as Starfire plays with Raven's hair, she tells her about a past incident that Starfire still holds herself responsible for. Raven tries to comfort her but Starfire insists that Raven follows her advice: that no matter what others think, Raven should do what _she_ thinks is right and that Raven should listen to herself than listen to others. Raven believes it sounds selfish but she eventually agrees, not wanting to upset the alien even more. Later the next day, another call comes in. Cyborg fetches Raven from her bedroom but Raven hesitates to leave so soon. It's time for Raven to make a change.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 41: _Fits Like a Glove_

Just like how the biggest waves happen because of the smallest ripples in the water, some of the biggest effects can have the smallest causes. The mistakes I had been making weren't coincidental and they weren't accidental, but at the same time, I had no clue what I was doing wrong. If I ever wanted to move past this, I needed to make some changes.

The bigger changes were obviously harder to achieve. It wasn't like I could do it all at once so I thought the best way to go about this is to make small changes first. That's what I did when I was learning how to use my powers, when I was getting to know the Titans and slowly becoming comfortable with them‒I'm even doing it now with Beast Boy. It's the small things that have the most impact and, with patience and devotion to these changes, a lot can happen in a matter of time.

_So what could I do?_ I had thought to myself. _What can I do to make this mission different from the others?_

I mentally dwelled on this issue and I pushed myself to think about the differences I could change. Not only what was different from the missions, but also what made _me_ different from the Titans. Me and them. Me versus them. What do I need to change so that it's me _and_ them?

And that's when it struck me.

Pressured for time, I got ready quickly and then I practically flew upstairs to the Main Ops room. The Titans must've waited almost seven minutes for me to arrive so they were becoming increasingly worried. When I entered, Cyborg came over to welcome me but he stopped short of finishing what he wanted to say. Robin, Starfire, and Beast Boy looked over to us, wondering what the big deal was, and then they were all gawking at me as if they couldn't believe their eyes.

I almost didn't believe it either when I had looked at myself in the mirror.

One of the first things that I noticed about the Titans was their choice of clothing. Even when I woke up from my coma, I knew they all wore something different than most people and this is what differentiated them from one another. These things made them special. Beast Boy's purple-and-black suit allowed him to morph into whatever animal he preferred and it would always conform to his body, despite his new size or shape; Robin's suit offered infinite flexibility and durability, and the gadgets in his utility belt could do anything if his skills weren't capable enough; Starfire's outfit was a tribute to her alien heritage and culture, but it also gave her the comfort and confidence she needed when using her powers; while Cyborg didn't necessarily wear any clothes, his cybernetic implants became his armor, as well as an asset to his technological abilities.

Once again, that left me with nothing.

The fact that I didn't wear anything special was a huge difference between the Titans and I. At first, I thought it wasn't a big deal that I didn't wear some "superhero" outfit‒I actually thought it was kind of embarrassing! But now, I truly understand how important my uniform is.

Those clothes had been hanging in my closet for as long as I could remember and they wasn't put there as a decoration. It was obviously for me. It's supposed to show who I _am_, who I _was_, what I'm _doing_ with my life. Wearing the outfit meant I was a Titan, that I was part of the team, and that I was Raven. I was Raven of the Teen Titans. That was my title, that was my purpose. I just didn't understand it at the time.

To be honest, I never thought I would have the guts to wear that uniform. The leotard was tight-fitting and my legs felt too exposed, which wasn't something I was used to. Those ruffled boots didn't promise easy running and I feared that, although the indigo cape offered the comfort of concealment, I would trip over it or get tangled into a mess. Using my abilities while wearing it seemed like a joke. I thought everyone would make fun of me for it, and who wouldn't? We didn't look normal. No normal person would ever wear this kind of thing, so why did we? Why did we wear something so different from the people we were protecting?

Pretty simple: it made _us_ different from everybody else.

While I still felt insecure about wearing such a revealing outfit, it proved its worth in the end. It surely beat running around in athletic clothing, which I had been doing for the past few missions. T-shirts and yoga pants were good for training at the Tower, but they definitely didn't help with fighting crime. It separated me from the Titans, from the team of unsupervised teenagers: it just showed that I didn't fit in with them and finally wearing the uniform solidified our relationship as a whole. My Emoticlones seemed very happy about the change of clothes too. Brave said we looked "hella awesome" in it and Affection thought the uniform would attract "wanted attention" from the Titans.

And it did. It really did.

"Wow," Beast Boy breathed at last. "I guess someone's ready to kick some butt today."

"Do you think this looks okay?" I asked them nervously. "I kinda put it on last-minute but I can change if you need me to..."

"No! Don't. You look great in it," Cyborg assured me.

"There is no need to replace the garments, Friend Raven," Starfire added. "It should be most ideal for the mission."

"Yeah. It definitely suits you."

"We're all really happy to see you wearing it," Robin told me. "Besides, you don't wanna only walk around the Tower in it, do you? You should be showing it off."

"I guess so," I chuckled.

"Ya feel ready?" Beast Boy asked me. "All suited up and ready to go?"

"Yeah. I'm ready for this."

"You hear that, Titans?" Robin cried. "Let's move out!"

Instead of taking the T-car, the Titans and I decided to travel in a more effective way. Two members of the Titans didn't have the ability of flight so I offered them my services. Robin and Cyborg rode on a flat disk of my dark energy while Starfire and I soared alongside it, in case one of them were to fall. Beast Boy used his hawk-eyes to navigate us through the fastest route to the building.

I was briefly informed of our enemy before arriving to the scene of the crime. Dr. Light was apparently notorious for his seemingly-useless schemes and his exaggerated speeches, which made him a good candidate for me to fight. Although his intentions were unknown, he appeared to be draining the power from a local electronics store and it was causing quite a disturbance in the city. People within a one-block radius of the store had fled and it was now empty, except for the criminal who was busy scavenging from it.

Beast Boy had seemed especially amused by this.

"You know, maybe if he decided to attack us at night, we'd be more afraid of him. We've got all the light we need in the sky!"

"Don't give the man anymore ideas," Cyborg had snapped. "The last thing we need is to deal with an actual mastermind."

We regrouped just outside the building, a safe distance from it so we wouldn't be spotted, and then we started to discuss our tactics. It was Starfire who had suggested a more "stealthy" approach to the situation, knowing Dr. Light may have planned a few tricks. Everyone would infiltrate the building from different locations. Once inside, the plan was to corner Dr. Light and overpower him with our numbers. I was instructed to sneak in alongside Starfire and then, while everyone else fended him off, I needed to guard the door to ensure that Dr. Light wouldn't escape. It wasn't exactly a high-stress position but Robin did emphasize the importance of it.

"You can tap in and out of the fight if you need to, but make sure that door stays closed. We need to isolate him at all costs and we can't have him running around in the city."

"Okay. I understand."

"Well that's it then!" Cyborg concluded with the clap of his hands. "Let's put this guy to bed."

Robin wished us luck and then we all split up to initiate the plan. While Beast Boy and Cyborg jogged to other locations around the perimeter, Starfire and I flew to the roof. There, we found a locked door that led to a stairwell and, using my dark energy, I was able to open the door with ease. Together, we slipped inside and then went our separate ways.

After phasing through several walls, I came upon the large room where all of the electronics were housed. It was very quiet in there and the lights were dimmed so I didn't notice the criminal until he had turned on a television on the far side of the room. For a "melodramatic" villain, Dr. Light seemed very calm. His main focus was directed to the television, which seemed very foolish because we were obviously planning our ambush. I couldn't seem to understand why he was so invested in it either.

_Don't worry about it now,_ I told myself. _I have to get ready._

I pulled the hood over my head and then, silently, I made my way across the room. There were huge shelves to display computers and laptops so I ducked behind one of them, hoping I wouldn't get spotted. Since I knew exactly where the Titans were going to appear, I poked my head out from my hiding place and eagerly waited for the plan to take action.

Like an instinct, the Titans emerged almost simultaneously. Starfire zipped around in the air several times before she came to deafening halt. Cyborg dashed forward, his sonic cannon already illuminated, and Beast Boy appeared on all fours. Lastly, Robin dropped from the ceiling and he slowly stood up, his hands clenched. They all had the criminal completely surrounded and yet, during the entire demonstration, Dr. Light had barely reacted. He showed very little interest to the threat, considering his back was still facing them.

"Oh," he said in unwavering words. "Don't mind _me_, Teen Titans. I was just admiring one of my favorite televisions shows."

The Titans didn't speak. They watched as Dr. Light examined the grand television screen, his hands casually clasped behind his back. It was tuned to a show that Dr. Light seemed to enjoy because he bowed his head and laughed during a cheesy scene. Everyone was getting irritable.

"Don't you have better things to do than watch TV?" Beast Boy taunted him.

"As a matter of fact, I _do_."

Dr. Light turned away from the television screen and he glared at the people who surrounded him. Robin, Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Starfire all readied for a fight.

"I should be trying out the new enhancements to my suit. As you can see, they've been greatly improved."

Without looking, Dr. Light stuck his hand out behind him and aimed it towards the television. As he flexed his fingers, the television screen suddenly went to static. The air around us was becoming increasingly charged, the hairs on my body standing on edge even from a distance away. It took only a few moments until the power was entirely drained from the TV and then it was absorbed into Dr. Light's suit.

Robin reacted to this by pulling out his birdarang and he hurling it straight for the criminal. The masked leader of the Titans had a keen sight so his aim was always perfect, but after a flash of light, the deadly device hit the television screen and fell to the floor. Everybody spun around to see Dr. Light standing in another location. He brushed himself off as if it were nothing and then grinned at everybody.

"Woah! Since when could the Skinny Dude do that?" Beast Boy shouted.

"Yes. _Brilliant_ isn't it?" said Dr. Light, quite satisfied with himself. "Long have I been using light for my powers and only now am I able to enable its component of speed."

A few more birdarangs were thrown his away, as well as a beam of sonic energy, and Dr. Light avoided each of their attacks.

"If you think this is amazing, you have yet to see my greatest plan. Once I consume all the power within the city, my suit's capabilities will be unmatched by any with the likes of you. And then nobody would be able to stop me!"

"Then why don't we put your little suit to the test?" Cyborg bellowed in return.

"With pleasure!"

In an instant, Dr. Light's suit was completely empowered. The lights above us blinked out, showering everybody in sparks. The only source of light in the entire room came from the criminal's suit, which had been electrified with enough volts to stop someone's heart.

"He's gonna burn out the whole place," Robin said. "If we're not careful, the whole city will go dark."

"Then I shall show him what is _true_ brightness!" Starfire announced.

The alien's eyes ignited as she soared towards the smug Dr. Light. Seeing the oncoming assault of starbolts, he quickly ducked out of the way and raised both of his arms to fire a similar variation of attacks. Starfire swooped away from him and she circled in the air like a hawk, preparing for another dive. Robin assembled his friends to help her and, with a triumphant cry from everyone, they all attacked.

Cyborg aimed his sonic cannon and he blasted it in all directions. Each time, he narrowly missed the criminal as he sped out of the way, leaving behind a faint trail of light. Starfire's starbolts were relentless and it was getting increasingly difficult for him to avoid these attacks. He took on the defensive by running behind the shelves, absorbing whatever power that was left in them for his advantage.

The fight was getting increasingly close to my hiding spot so I knew I had to do something. I migrated towards the unprotected door, summoning my Emoticlones in Nevermore for strength. At the moment, the Titans were trying to stop Dr. Light from absorbing the electricity from the electronics. They took caution by destroying whatever stereos and cameras they could find, and soon enough, Dr. Light seemed to be running out of options. While in search for more technology, his gaze suddenly lifted and the first thing he spotted was my stern, still form across the room. He immediately froze but it wasn't because he was scared.

"Ah. Raven," he said in mock affection. "What a _pleasant _surprise. Have you come here to challenge me too?"

I wasn't in the mood to chat so I immediately unleashed an attack, using my mantra to gain momentum. Apparently, Dr. Light's suit was capable of creating an electrified barrier and it formed around him like a bubble, deflecting all traces of my eldritch powers. The criminal grinned as my eyes widened at this revelation. Then, he started to advance, spheres of white-hot energy encompassing his hands.

"Raven! Watch out!"

As Dr. Light raced towards me, he was knocked backwards when the massive tail of green brachiosaurus was whipped into him. Beast Boy roared as he stomped after the villain, but Dr. Light was already on his feet again. He tossed a handful of silver marbles at Beast Boy and before he could defend himself, they all exploded into a fanatic show of light. Blinded, the green changeling tried to morph again, though he couldn't seem to understand where he was going or even what he had turned into.

Now, it was Robin's turn to face Dr. Light. He engaged in some rigorous hand-on-hand combat with the criminal, who couldn't seem to land a proper punch on the masked boy. While they were fighting, Cyborg and Starfire decided to take down Dr. Light as he was being distracted. Cyborg shot a cord from his arm and it latched onto one of Dr. Light's electrical extremities. Held back by the cord, he couldn't swing his arm, which allowed Robin to easily subdue him.

This greatly infuriated the criminal. He tried using his free arm to ward off Robin's aggressions but the harder he pulled against the cord, the more restrained he became. Seeing him struggle to contain Dr. Light, Starfire joined the mechanical man on the ground. She grabbed a hold of metal rope and, together, they pulled Dr. Light away from Robin. They were ready to take him down but Dr. Light's anger was evident.

Furious, he tried to run away at light-speed. Dr. Light feet generated smoke as he pounded against the floor but it was no match for Starfire's alien strength and Cyborg's mechanical muscles. Seeing that he couldn't escape, the criminal faced the Titans, grabbed onto the cord with his free hand, and sent them a current of energized matter.

Both Starfire and Cyborg cried out in pain as volts of electricity coursed through their bodies. They immediately released their hold on the metal rope and, completely exhausted, they collapsed to the floor. Robin saw this and he lunged after Dr. Light. However, with less counteraction, Dr. Light was able to use his light-speed to again and snap the cord. Before Robin could interfere, he was whipped with the cord and thrown backwards again, sliding to a stop. Dr. Light marched forward, his boots echoing within the vacant store.

"This _fun_ of yours is over," he barked. "It's time I show you what I'm _really_ capable of!"

Dr. Light discarded the remains of the metal rope and he combined both of his hands together. All of the power stored within his suit was immediately transferred to his fists, forming another orb of condensed electricity. The particles in the air were so charged that every movement generated little yet painful shocks from everyone. Robin started to crawl away but he couldn't get very far. He looked up to Dr. Light with a face of horror and then he shut his eyes.

The last thing I saw before I was blinded was my hand outstretched to the masked boy.

Everyone in the city heard the crack of lightning that day. Obviously, their first impulse was to look up at the sky and wonder what could've made the noise, not that there was in answer written in the atmosphere. It was midafternoon and not a cloud was in sight. They had no idea what could've made the noise but the Titans and I had a personal, up-close experience.

When I opened my eyes again, everyone was in a state of shock. Clouds of smoke and debris had formed almost instantly and nobody understood what was going on until it cleared. Robin was entirely concealed by a hemisphere of my dark energy. The barrier blinked a few times and then is dissipated, revealing a petrified Robin. The bolt of lightning that Dr. Light had created couldn't penetrate my dark energy and, instead, it had skipped off of it. Luckily, it absorbed most of the electricity so the surrounding area wasn't burned as bad as it would've been. The blast did, however, knock Dr. Light backwards and by the time he realized what had happened, he was was completely outraged.

The criminal stretched out his arm, preparing to fire another blast, but he heard a soft beeping. He glanced down at his suit and he gasped when he saw how low his energy reserves had become: he was almost completely powerless. The Titans were all trying to recuperate themselves so it didn't register to them that Dr. Light was still conscious. Quickly, he hauled himself to his feet and he sprinted towards the exit, believing that only the power lines would be sufficient enough for his suit.

As he tried to escape, I used my powers to barricade the door with a large shelf. It moved in place so swiftly that there was no way he could've made it. Dr. Light spun around, expecting to see me, and he was surprised when saw a small green bat flying towards him. He tried to swat Beast Boy out of the air but Beast Boy was so small and agile that he could avoid it all, continuing to pester Dr. Light. Beast Boy eventually flew so high that the criminal couldn't reach him so he readied his blasters of what little energy was left in his suit. Moments before firing, Beast Boy morphed into an elephant and he plummeted to the floor, right where Dr. Light had been standing.

His suit was entirely damaged because when Beast Boy stood up, it no longer illuminated. Dr. Light was surely injured from the impact as well and if it weren't for the suit, he would've been crushed to death. Beast Boy morphed again and he planted one foot on the criminal's torso, a triumphant smirk on his weary face.

"Got him!" Beast Boy hollered from across the room. "He won't be going anywhere anytime soon."

Relieved, I gradually sank to the floor and landed on my feet. Cyborg and Starfire were still dazed and Robin had yet to move. I hurried over to all of them, ensuring they were okay, and then I held out a helping hand to Robin. He accepted it graciously and I pulled him to his feet.

"So," I said, still breathless. "Did we win?"

* * *

Later that evening, I was spending some alone time in my room. It was a little past eight and my stomach was full from the hearty dinner I had eaten about an hour ago. The Titans were beyond happy: they were _thrilled_ with me. I couldn't count the number of times Robin thanked me for my quick-thinking and Cyborg wouldn't stop slapping me on the back. Starfire's bone-crushing hugs could never be avoided and even Beast Boy's smile was enough to make me blush.

Despite the Titans' close encounter with danger, they showed me only the utmost gratitude for my little service.

Eventually, I had to get away from all the excitement. I went back into my bedroom to recollect my day, to remember what had happened and how I was able to make a difference, just like how I wanted to. My Emoticlones seemed very proud as well. Brave wouldn't stop talking about it.

_You were AWESOME, Raven! You just… FWOOSH and then BAM! Dr. Light was vanquished! The crowd goes wild!_

I chuckled as she mimicked the deafening sound of fans cheering in a stadium.

_I don't know about you, but you should wear the uniform more often,_ Affection added. _It looks cute on you._

_I hope Beastie Boo noticed you in it! _Happy giggled.

_I hope so too,_ I replied.

Ironically, not much longer after that, I had the honor of a surprise visit from the green changeling himself. He knocked politely on my door and I beckoned him to enter, knowing that he wanted to talk to me again.

"Something's on your mind," I told Beast Boy, closing my Book of Azar.

"Is this an alright time to talk?" he asked.

"Of course. What did you want to ask?"

"Well, I was thinking that, seeing how well you did today, you deserve a little celebration, right? Don't you agree?"

"Sure?" I said, insisting for him to clarify.

"So I had the _amazing_ idea that I should take you out tonight. Just you and me getting a little fresh air outta the Tower. Whaddaya say?"

"You mean like a date?"

"It _is_ a date, Rae!" he laughed.

"No need to be rude!" I cried. "I was just asking!"

"Yes, it _is_ a date. So do you wanna go out with me tonight?"

"Yeah! Yeah, I- I'd love to! But…" I took on a more quiet tone. "Isn't that a little risky? Leaving the Tower at night might not be the best time for us to go on a date…"

"No no, don't worry about that. I got it all planned out. We're gonna sneak out after midnight and go into the city together. I'll take you into a few places, just you and me, and then we'll head back when we're ready. Easy as that."

"Wouldn't the Titans notice that we're gone?"

"Nope! Everyone'll be asleep so it's perfectly safe. Nobody will even know we're gone. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yeah! It sounds amazing, Beast Boy," I breathed. "I'd love to do that with you."

"We've never really had a date before," the green changeling went on. "Well, at least, not after your amnesia…but this will give us a chance to start over, you know? Finally spend some time together."

"It seems like a lot of fun. I'm already excited for it."

"Yeah. Me too."

"So wait! Where exactly are we going?" I asked him suddenly.

Beast Boy wiggled his eyebrows: "It's a surprise."

"You can't tell me _anything_?"

"Nope! _Nada_."

"Really?"

The pea-green boy was already strolling back towards the door, teasing me with his complacent expression. I hated it when people knew something that I didn't but Beast Boy loved to mess with me. He seemed very pleased at my annoyance.

"I'll come get you before midnight," he said. "And I'll get you home before anybody sees us."

"Alright. Is that all?"

"Oh yeah! That reminds me: just a heads up, I want you to wear something pretty for our date tonight."

"Something pretty? Isn't this enough?" I taunted, gesturing to my uniform.

"Nu-uh. Where we're going, I don't want you to be a Titan. I want you to be my Raven."

Beast Boy smiled and then he slipped out my bedroom before I could say anything else.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I want to thank everybody again for reading. I greatly appreciate the views and the kind comments and I truly love writing this story. I just feel like my Senior year is getting more and more insane and I have so many things to read and to write for my classes. This weekend was especially difficult to keep up with the work, but it makes me happy knowing that I still have this story to be dedicated to :) Again, I'm sorry for making you guys wait, but I know the next chapter will be a fun one, considering it'll be Raven's "first" date with Beast Boy (in a way). So I hope to see everybody on December 6th! Goodbye for now!


	42. Weathering the Time

**Author's Note: **Hey guys! It's good to be back :) I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and I'm really happy to be posting again. It was a nice break but I want to get my head back in the game (at least, for as long as I can until I have my finals to worry about), which is why I posted a little earlier into the day than usual! You guys totally deserve it for being patient, so thank you :) Now let's keep going! Here's Chapter 42! Enjoy!

**A Previous Summary:** Raven is finally going on another mission. Wanting to improve her chances of success, she wears her old uniform and goes out with the intention of showing off her capabilities to the Titans. They all take on Dr. Light and he proves to be a worthy opponent, as the Titans struggle to subdue him as well. Then, just as Dr. Light was about to send a deadly attack towards Robin, Raven saves him in the last moment. She is able to prevent Dr. Light from escaping and then he is put into custody, much to the Titan's pleasure. After a nice dinner and a little celebration, Beast Boy visits Raven and asks her out on a date. They plan to leave around midnight, while everyone is asleep, but the one thing Beast Boy wants Raven to do is to dress up for their date. His reasoning? Beast Boy doesn't want Raven to be a Titan: he wants her to be his Raven.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 42: _Weathering the Time_

_My Raven_. Had he really said that? Did Beast Boy _really_ call me _his_ Raven?

I viewed this moment over and over again in my head, chuckling each time I heard him repeat the phrase. Even then, it had brought a smile to my face and it warmed my cheeks with a blush. My Emoticlones went crazy about it too. Happy was bounding for joy in Nevermore and Brave claimed she was "absolutely pumped" for tonight. I could also sense hints of sensual attraction, which I presumed was emitted from Lust, though I wasn't afraid to reveal any of these emotions.

When Beast Boy had told me to dress nicely, I knew right away what I planned to wear. The black-lace minidress and the simple heels were still packaged in the bag we got at the mall, safely tucked away in the closet. I pulled it out immediately, stripped in front of the mirror, and dressed as quickly as I could, though I was cautious not to tear the delicate fabric. As expected, it was a perfect fit. I turned and turned to view all angles of myself, making sure the dress was on properly. The heels did make me feel a little clunky and I still wasn't used to the height-difference, but given the circumstances, I was more than willing to put up with it for the date.

I was dressed and ready to go around 9 o'clock, which really upset me because I had hours to kill before Beast Boy would escort me from my room. Not knowing what else to do, I just passed the time as productively as I could. I read from my Book of Azar, edited some entries in my journal, and I even had time for a long and rejuvenating meditation. During that time, while I was floating over my bed with my eyes closed, there was a soft knock on my door. My heart fluttered and I landed, quite roughly, onto my mattress.

"Coming!"

I headed towards the door to let Beast Boy in but as I passed the mirror, I paused to glance at my reflection and then I frowned. From my dresser, I stole a hair-tie and I quickly bundled my hair into a high ponytail. It took some rearranging to tuck away the extra strands and it looked very uneven, especially compared to Starfire's handiwork. But when I gazed into the mirror again, I smiled, finally satisfied with my look. Beast Boy knocked again and spoke through the door.

"Hey! You awake in there?"

"As if I could sleep with all this anxiety," I joked, activating the door. "The suspense for tonight is _killing_ me."

Beast Boy stepped inside and his eyes immediately flocked down to my outfit. He was very pleased to see me dressed up but his grin broadened when he recognized the hairstyle that Starfire had done for me the other day. I guess he wasn't used to seeing me like this.

"You look beautiful," he breathed.

"You're not too bad yourself," I replied.

The green changeling had on a pair of black dress pants and a white dress shirt. He had rolled up the sleeves to give him more mobility in his arms and he also unbuttoned it at the collar, claiming the shirt was choking him. The outfit was then completed with a black belt and black dress shoes, as well as his signature gray gloves to cover his hands.

I smiled at how his green complexion contrasted his formal attire. Beast Boy looked like he was heading to a business meeting, which humored me because I knew he'd much rather be wearing pajamas or his uniform. Obviously, I felt the same way but we both seemed to enjoy dressing up for once, especially since our clothing flattered each other.

"And I thought you were tall already, but those heels…"

"I might need help getting up and down the stairs," I told him earnestly. "There's no way they can stay on my feet if I levitate."

"That's alright. Once we get into the city, we'll be walking‒the old-fashioned way."

"And where _exactly_ will we be walking to?"

Beast Boy grabbed my hand and gave me an interesting look: "Why don't I show you?"

* * *

Despite being in the city, Beast Boy and I had never been more open about our relationship. It didn't happen at first because I was actually really hesitant to show any form of affection towards Beast Boy; I was careful to keep a distance between us and I was acting so awkward that I didn't have the courage to say anything‒what was I supposed to say anyway? _Nice weather we're having?_ That would've made things even more awkward.

However, Beast Boy had noticed my social withdrawal. He promptly linked our arms together and when I looked to his face, his eyes insisted that it was okay. Following his lead, I clutched onto him as we continued down the sidewalk, keeping to a strolling pace. I evaded the oncoming blush by focusing on the sound my heels made when they clicked against the pavement, much to my satisfaction.

Not many people were out and the streets were quiet, so I guess there wasn't much concern about being spotted. Although, I still had the feeling that I should've been worried. Beast Boy didn't seem to care if civilians saw us together, yet he was troubled by the idea of disclosing our relationship with the Titans. I didn't understand his motive. How could Beast Boy be okay with the public seeing him like this but not with the Titans? Does that even make sense?

I was convinced that he was embarrassed to be with me but that theory was dismissed when we walked past a man who certainly thought we looked strange together. I dropped my head, staring down at my feet, and Beast Boy carried on, as if unaffected by the man's confusion. Maybe he thought it was strange to see _us_‒two, young teenagers in elegant apparel, patrolling the streets during the hours of twilight. Maybe he wasn't even thinking about our relationship at all: it was just the view of us and our clothing and at the place we so happen to be. I must have been overreacting but I continued to speculate if it would be a problem until my thoughts were interrupted. Beast Boy suddenly ushered me in another direction and I looked to him for an explanation.

"Alright. In here."

Beast Boy held the door open to a small business and I entered, thanking him for the polite gesture. Once inside, we were greeted to bright lights, cool air, and music playing softly in the background. The only other person in the room had been a teenager, similar to our ages, standing behind the register. She smiled at us and then she noticed our formal attire, to which she smiled even more. Normally, I would've been embarrassed to stand out so much but with Beast Boy at my side, I felt a lot more comfortable. I almost didn't care about the attention from the stranger: she would be the first person to witness our relationship and, seeing how happy she was to see us, I started to think it wasn't such a bad idea after all.

"Yeah, it's not the fanciest thing out on the street," said Beast Boy, reflecting my hesitation to speak. "I know you'd like to go to some high-class dinner place instead of this joint-"

"No, I like it," I assured him. "I think it's perfect."

"You hungry for some frozen yogurt?"

"Definitely. Let's get some."

We walked over the counter, grabbed a container for us to share, and started to browse through the possible combinations for our dessert. Knowing Beast Boy's diet, I chose a dairy-free vanilla-and-chocolate swirl from the selections and I put a decent amount into the cup, making sure there was enough for the both of us. Then I went over to the bar that had over twenty dishes of toppings. I saw pieces of candy, chopped fruit and berries, sprinkles of all colors in the rainbow, different flavours of syrup, and so many other condiments that I couldn't make a decision right away. Behind me, Beast Boy wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder, his eyes leering among the various options to decorate the frozen yogurt. It was hard not to blush but I also couldn't stop chuckling.

"Ooo! Let's put some of that in there."

Beast Boy pointed at a dish that held a serving of red, cherry-flavored "Boba's"‒as it was called on the little sign next to it. I was immediately revolted.

"I'm not putting that our dessert," I said over my shoulder.

"What? Why not?"

"Because I don't like cherries and I've never had cherry-flavored _Boba's_ before. That's why."

"I'm sure you'd love it if you gave it a try."

"No! It would taste horrible with the vanilla and chocolate anyway."

"But I should get to chose _something_," he whined into my neck. His breath was giving me chills and that wasn't a bad thing. "You got to pick the flavor so now it's my turn. Gimme some say in _our_ food."

"At least _I_ picked something that I knew you would eat. I was considerate about your taste, like you should be with me."

The pea-green boy grumbled in defeat. He nuzzled his face into my neck, provoking a smirk from me. I finished topping off the frozen yogurt with some sprinkles then we headed to the cashier to pay for the dessert. I got pretty nervous when Beast Boy talked with the girl behind the counter. She was a stranger to me but her blonde hair and her blue eyes reminded me of someone who was described to me. I didn't know if she recognized us as the Teen Titans and, for a moment, I also wondered if she would criticize us for what we were doing.

In the end, Beast Boy was quick with the transaction and thankfully, the employee was very kind to us too. She even gave me a compliment.

"I really like your outfit, by the way. It's a very pretty dress on you."

"Oh, thank you," I timidly replied, unsure of what else to say.

It wasn't like I could reciprocate the compliment.

"So I'm guessing you guys are on a date right now?"

"Yeah," Beast Boy answered the girl proudly. "It's nothing _too _fancy…but it's a special night for us." Beast Boy smiled at me. "It was about time for us to have some peace and quiet, huh?"

"Well, I hope you guys have fun," she said as she passed him the change. "Enjoy the yogurt!"

Beast Boy opened the door for me again and then we were out of the little shop. Walking briskly, I carried the cup and a spoon while Beast Boy explained where we were going next. He mentioned how he wanted to be somewhere private with me, a place where we would feel more comfortable with each other, and I told him that I was indifferent about this: just _being_ with him meant so much to me already. The green changeling thanked me for saying that but he assured me that I would appreciate where we were going.

A few minutes later, we passed through the entrance to the park. The estate was entirely vacant but Beast Boy and I remained quiet, as if not to disturb the natural tranquility. Walking under the golden halos of streetlamps, we followed the cement sidewalk until we came upon a secluded bench, facing a small pond that teamed with life. I was offered to take a seat and I gladly did, thankful for the convenient location. Beast Boy sat down beside me, rested his arm on the back of the bench, and then our bodies leaned into each other.

The sky above us was as clear as day. You'd think that living near the city and its output of pollution would impact the view of the sky but this wasn't the case at all. The atmosphere was open all around us, presenting its display of shimmering constellations and a moon whose light made the water look like glass.

It really was some nice weather for a date.

"Beast Boy. Do you mind if I ask you something?"

Neither of us had uttered a word for quite some time. I had been eating the frozen treat and every now and then, I would present a spoonful of the yogurt to him, which he always accepted. Other than that, Beast Boy was simply content to observe the nearby pond, admiring the bugs that grazed the water's stagnant surface. My question seemed to worry him.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah! I'm having a great time right now and I love the frozen yogurt but… I- I just have a question about someone. I don't think it can wait."

"No, I wasn't checking out the girl at the register, in case you were wondering… HEY!" I nudged Beast Boy with my elbow and that was enough to get him to apologize. "Alright alright, you caught me. I _was_ checking her out."

"Oh stop it. I wasn't talking about _that_. And besides, I don't care if you were checking her out or not."

"Well that's good, because she wasn't very cute anyway," he chuckled. I felt his arm shift behind me so that his hand was draped over my shoulder, almost protectively.

"I don't know. I thought she was pretty," I went on, staring down at the dessert as I played with it. "She had long blonde hair and blue eyes. She was really nice to us too…"

"Yeah. It was nice of her to compliment your dress. I saw you blushing so don't deny it."

"It was only because I was with you," I told him. "And the girl…"

"She knew we were together, Rae. I doubt she was hitting on me, _or_ hitting on you if that's what you're worried about..."

"No! She kinda looked like…" I faced Beast Boy in an attempt to convey my frustration but all I received was a confused look. I didn't know how else to explain it; I was trying too hard to bring up the subject. "Nevermind. Forget I said anything."

Beast Boy didn't like me saying this: "Raven, is something bothering you?"

"I'm sorry…"

"No no, it's fine! I just wanna know what's up. You look kinda upset."

"It's nothing that important. I just wanted to ask you about something but maybe you're right. Maybe now is not the best time…"

"It's our _date_, Raven. I want us to have fun and to be happy so talk to me! You can tell me anything. I'm listening."

I placed my spoon back in the cup and sighed. I felt really guilty but I also didn't want to worry Beast Boy anymore. Over time, I had learned something important about him: if I don't keep the green changeling updated about every little problem of mine, he will be determined to hunt me down and figure it out for himself. I'm still learning to to keep up with this demand.

"I've been meaning to talk to you about Terra." I blurted. Beast Boy softened when he heard me mention the strange name. "I know it's not the best time to bring it up but I can't stop thinking about her now. The girl at the shop reminded me of her and I know it's stupid but... I- I don't know, I felt like I should ask you while I have the chance. I feel like it involves me."

"How do you know Terra? Have you always known about her?"

"No, I'm afraid not. I guess my amnesia reached it first. Cyborg told me about her the other day when I was in her room."

"What were you doing in Terra's room?" he asked.

"I didn't know who it belonged to. I just thought it was a nice, quiet place to hide when the Tower got loud. I had my suspicions though. I mean, it was a beautiful bedroom so I knew it wasn't there for a decoration, and when Cyborg found me, he explained everything."

"And what did he tell you?"

"Cyborg said that Terra used to be one of us. She was one of the Titans and she was so pretty and powerful that she could do anything. Then I think Slade did something and Terra was forced to sacrifice herself to save the city. I guess she survived this but…" I bit my lip. "I also heard that you liked her. A lot. It sounded like she broke your heart when she disappeared and- well, you can probably figure out why I wanted to ask you…"

Beast Boy did look angry to be discussing this. I don't know if he was upset at me, upset at Cyborg, or just upset that Terra's name was mentioned, but the thing that struck me was how Beast Boy's expression changed when Slade's name was mentioned. Maybe Slade was the source of his anger.

"Cy told you all that, huh?" he said at last.

"Was it something he said?" I offered, thinking he was mad at Cyborg.

"Well, Cy forgot to mention that she betrayed us, Raven. Yeah, Terra was smart and pretty and talented, but she was also deceiving. She did horrible things and she did it all for Slade."

"Wait, I didn't know Terra worked for him."

"She did. She played right into Slade's hands and then she gave him what he wanted. Do you wanna know what she did?" he asked me, amusing that I pitied her. "Do you wanna know how _complicated_ this girl is? Terra took me out on a _date _and while I was gone, you guys were attacked by Slade's army. He destroyed the Tower because Terra gave him the information he needed and when I found out, Terra thought I would understand. She thought I would forgive her for what she did, even though she knew she was doing something wrong."

Beast Boy huffed out of annoyance: "Yeah right. Like I would join her and Slade to take over the world or whatever. That was their _big_ scheme. That's what Slade told her to do and to do that, you guys needed to be out of the picture. When I told her that she betrayed us, she got mad and then she became our enemy. Terra fought each and every one of us until… until we were gone. She finished us off just like that, like we were nothing to her anymore…"

"Beast Boy…"

"I liked her, okay?" he confessed. "I- I liked her. I was so _in love_ with Terra that I let her distract me from what was really going on and I left you guys when you needed me most. I thought she was amazing‒we were so similar and together, I felt like we could do anything‒but she was only using this to get the upperhand of me. She betrayed my trust, _our_ trust, and she did it all for Slade. I was just too _smitten_ with her to realize how evil she was."

I let the green changeling take a shaky inhale. He turned his face away from me and he smeared the tears in his eyes, not wanting me to see how swollen they had become. Beast Boy cleared his throat before he continued, in a much more hesitant tone.

"I don't like fighting the ones I love, Raven. It hurts so much and that's exactly what happened with Terra. Terra _hurt_ me. She hurt _all_ of us in more ways than you can think of and she _meant_ it. People make mistakes and they do things they regret‒we can forgive people for that‒but what Terra did was her fault. She _wanted _to hurt us and she _meant _it and that's- that's what really hurt me."

"Is that why she didn't come back to the Titans?"

"Why do you wanna know?" he countered.

"Cyborg told me that you saw her last," I proceeded cautiously. "Terra was turned into a statue after she saved the city and now the statue's gone. From what I heard from Cyborg, she's still alive. Do you really think it's true?"

"She's alive alright," Beast Boy muttered. "But she won't come back. I tried to talk to her, Raven. I was so happy to see her alive that I was stupid enough to think things could go back to the way they were, before Slade and her betrayal, and that we could all be friends again. I gave her so many chances and she told us no everytime. She only did things for herself. Even when I asked her to come back with me, she still said no."

"I guess it makes sense. Terra must be so upset with herself for what she did, but she saved the city, Beast Boy. You have to admit: she did _something_ good after all this, right?"

"I know. That's why I was so happy to see her alive, but that doesn't make up for what she did. Raven, she saved us and I'm happy that she finally made the right decision, but, honestly, I'm glad she didn't come back with me: I'm glad she let me down. There was no way any of us could forgive Terra after what she did. I was so caught up in seeing her that I didn't care at the time." Beast Boy leaned back into the bench and he shook his head: "I can't even forgive myself for considering having her back. It never would've worked out."

"Do you think she even remembers what she did? Maybe she doesn't remember and that's why she didn't rejoin the Titans‒she didn't know who you were."

"I know she knows. I just think she doesn't want to."

I nodded solemnly. Beast Boy obviously didn't want to talk about it so I dropped the questions.

"I'm sorry, Beast Boy," I told him earnestly. "I didn't want to upset you. I just wanted to know about Terra and-"

"Stop," he chided me. "I know you didn't mean it and I think it's good that we talked about it. I shouldn't have kept it from you anyway."

"I just feel so horrible knowing how much you loved her and how she betrayed you. I can't imagine what that must feel like but it makes me think about you and me and how we're doing this right now. Oh Azar... They're our friends, Beast Boy, and we can't do this to the Titans. We can't betray them either."

"I know, Raven, but I already did."

I looked down at the cup, which had been sitting in my lap this whole time. The rest of the frozen yogurt had melted during our conversation and neither of us had the stomach for it anymore. Beast Boy finally suggested that we head home because it was nearing three o'clock in the morning and we both seemed exhausted. I complied without any objection.

We stood up, brushed ourselves off, and tossed the cup and spoon into a nearby trashcan. Then I extended my hand and stated my mantra, causing my eyes to glow. Wordlessly, we boarded a disk made of my dark energy and I guided us back to the Tower, hovering above the ocean at a deadly height. The wind was brisk at the higher altitude and we both shivered in the moonlight, anticipating the warmth of our beds. It was a good thing we left while we did because clouds had started to migrate towards us in the horizon.

The disk soon evaporated and our feet landed on the roof. Wanting to minimize the amount of noise we were making, I paused to slip off my heels and then I delicately padded after Beast Boy. The Tower was on Lockdown for the night and to prevent the alerts from going off, I opened a portal that delivered us to the intersection of two hallways: one corridor led to bedrooms for the male Titans and the other for the female Titans. I wished Beast Boy a goodnight and I was ready to go our separate ways but Beast Boy stopped me.

"Wait. There's something I gotta say."

"Huh?"

"Raven, you hafta listen to me on this."

"What-?"

Beast Boy rested his hands on my shoulders and held me at an arm's length away. I didn't have the heart to look at him but Beast Boy kept leaning towards me, searching for my eye contact. Finally, I inhaled deeply and then we squared up to each other in the darkness. It was difficult to watch the emotions within his eyes, but even more difficult to sense everything that his words couldn't explain.

"I really liked Terra," he told me plainly. "I had the biggest crush on her and there was a time in my life when I thought she was the one for me, but don't you think for a minute that you were my second choice. Don't you think that I only chose you because Terra betrayed me, because that's not true. That's not what happened."

I started to shake my head. My heels, which I had been holding in my hand, tumbled to the floor. Neither of us reacted.

"Even if she didn't betray us, even if Terra never went along with Slade's plan, _you_ would be the one I end up with because _you're_ the one I love." The green changeling hesitated, seeing that I was trembling. "I love you and there's nobody that could ever change that. Not Terra, not our friends, not even Slade‒you _know_ this. You know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Everything I did was for you, whether you asked for it or not, and I love you too much to care about what would've been different with Terra. And nothing would be different because, even if she was here, she'd only see how the person I love has been here the whole time."

"Beast Boy..." I rasped. "I love you too. I'm just… It's not you, it's just that the Titans don't know and I feel so horrible that we could be betraying them again, like what Terra did to everyone. I don't want them to think that about you because you're the best thing that has happened to me, the best thing I can _remember_, and-"

"I know. It's alright, Raven. I know."

As soon as I started to lose my voice, I was pulled into a tight embrace. The tighter we held onto each other, the more I cried into his shirt, though Beast Boy didn't care that my tears were stained onto it. He simply cradled the back of my head with his hand and he hushed my whimpers for the longest time. My legs felt weak but Beast Boy was sturdy and he supported me easily. I clung to him as my shoulders shook from the sobs.

"I know you're still upset about it," he whispered into my hair. "But you won't have to wait long. I'm sure we'll get to tell them soon, just like I promised you. You got nothing to worry about."

The pea-green boy gently pushed me away so he could stare into my face once more. Despite his wet eyes, he had on a soft smile.

"Did you have fun tonight?"

I nodded firmly: "Yes. I had so much fun and I'm so happy that I got to do this with you."

"Good. That's all I wanted outta this."

With Beast Boy's gloved hand now cupping my cheek, we leaned towards one another and kissed. It wasn't exactly passionate or feverish in any sort of way. I barely reacted to the chaste kiss, which usually makes me swoon, but that wasn't a problem. The kiss was exactly what I needed: a firm reassurance that everything was okay, that _we're_ okay, and they were.

When we separated, I felt much calmer than before. My heart ceased its rapid pulsations and the anxiety drained from my system: that's when I realized just how tired I was and how badly I needed the rest. We said one last goodbye and then we walked off. I lugged my heels back to my bedroom and once I was inside, I crawled into my bed and fell asleep so quickly that I didn't even remember to change out of my dress.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I hope you guys liked this one. It was longer, there was some fluff, and it gave a little insight to the core of their difficult relationship. I'm very proud of it and I'm excited to get started on the next chapter. I should be able to post again in two weeks so stay tuned! Thanks again and remember, I'm open for requests, suggestions, and ideas in your comments about _Amnesia_ :) Goodbye!


	43. Exciting Times

**Author's Note:** Good evening everybody! I want to thank you guys for all the positive feedback on _Amnesia_. It literally makes my heart flutter and I'm thrilled to have people reading this, but I also want to add an explanation. In the last chapter, I wrote Beast Boy to be a little bitter about Terra and I wanted to briefly apologize if that offended anybody. In truth, some of my own opinions were put into it: I don't necessarily hate Terra (she really is another complicated character and I admire that) but I can argue that a lot of the things she did weren't good. I won't divulge so much into this because I can go on forever. However, I wanted to say that I wrote Beast Boy to be like that as a way to show how much Beast Boy loved Raven (even though he liked Terra before he had a relationship with Raven, I think it really emphasizes how Beast Boy and Raven are the perfect couple for each other, that things never would've worked out with Terra anyway) and if that really upset someone then I'm sorry. I thought it was important to show that Beast Boy didn't choose Raven because Terra betrayed him, but this plays a small part in the story so we shouldn't worry about it all to much. Let's keep the story moving :) Now, on to Chapter 43!

**A Previous Summary:** As a way to celebrate Raven's victory against Dr. Light, Beast Boy takes Raven out for a date in Jump City. Dressed formally, they go into a frozen yogurt shop and buy a cup to share. Then, they go into the park to eat it together. While there, Raven brings up the subject of Terra. In response to her questions, Beast Boy explains to Raven what truly happened to Terra, how she betrayed the Titans for Slade, turned to stone, and when she was cured, she refused to come back to the Titans with Beast Boy. Raven was very sad to hear about Terra's story but Beast Boy confessed that he was satisfied with the outcome. He later told her that even though Terra betrayed him, Beast Boy didn't chose Raven because of this. He was always meant to end up with Raven and nothing would've changed that, even if Terra had gone back with Beast Boy when he had insisted. After this, the two Titans head back to Titans Tower, say their goodbyes, and head to bed. Raven is especially tired after her amazing night with Beast Boy.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 43: _Exciting Times_

I could be seen at the very top of Titans Tower. Levitating a couple feet off the floor and a couple inches away from open air, I had closed my eyes as my lips continuously murmured my mantra. My body was stiff and my legs were folded neatly into the lotus position. I kept my back straight and my shoulders proud, braving the maritime elements while my mind was connected to Nevermore.

The sky was alive with color. Magnificent waves glinted under the rays of morning sunshine like wrinkled tin foil. They crashed onto the rocky shores of our island, spraying a salted perfume into the air. The wind caressed my face and caused stands of my violet coiffure to whip all around me. Despite this little annoyance, I showed little care. These were the ideal conditions to meditate and nothing would have disturbed me.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos. Azarath Metrion Zinthos…"

I'm not really sure how long I believed I was there, but I was soon interrupted by a visitor. They had snuck onto the roof, wrapped their arms around my waist, and I felt their head burrow into the back of my neck. I immediately recognized the touch. Smiling softly, I shifted ever so slightly and then continued to concentrate on my meditation.

"Did I scare ya?"

"I can sense you a mile away, Beast Boy," I remarked, my eyes still shut. "You didn't scare me at all."

"Then why is your heart beating so fast?"

Beast Boy nuzzled his face into me and I couldn't resist a tiny laugh. I reached around and brought his head closer, breathing in his unique, animalistic scent. Then, Beast Boy started to taunt me. His lips were against my ear, tracing my jawline, grazing my heated cheeks. I turned into him and sought for his mouth, which I now so desperately wanted against mine. My breath was being held in anticipation when I heard my name.

_Raven._

I stopped moving. The sensations I was feeling‒Beast Boy's moist breath, his arms wrapped around my waist, the wind running through my hair‒it all started to fade. I opened my mouth to speak but I had to force myself to exhale. It dawned on me just then how _unnatural_ this scene was. I didn't even remember coming to the top of Titans Tower to meditate and, while I was overjoyed to be with Beast Boy, I realized that I hadn't seen him since last night.

Wondering if this was a dream, I subconsciously opened my eyes and they were immediately directed to the window: a brilliant sunrise was currently underway. The serenity and bliss I was experiencing from within my dream had now completely vanished. It was almost depressing to be awake, even when I reminded myself of how happy I was the night before.

I guess it was because the dream felt all _too_ real...

Normally, I would've rolled over in my bed and tried to fall back asleep. I wanted to exploit the remains of that dream but, to my surprise, my name was called again. Recalling what had happened, I knew it was because I had heard my name that I woke up in the first place. I heard it while I was dreaming and surely I wasn't dreaming anymore. This really worried me because that's when I realized that the disembodied voice I heard wasn't even _from_ my dream.

"Lust?"

Slightly disoriented, I scrambled out of my bed and gathered materials for the ritual. I quickly constructed the ring of sand and lit the candles, fumbling with the matchbook because I was still so groggy. Within moments of the last candle wick igniting, my demonic mirror started to glow. My chest swelled and I half-smiled at the pair of rose-colored eyes, startled to be meeting the fabled Emoticlone of my desires.

"It's you."

I heard a small laugh: "It's good to see you too."

"What are you doing here?" I asked. "I mean, Lust! Oh Azar, I _just_ woke up-"

"I know. And I'm really sorry about that. I didn't know how else to get your attention."

"So that _was_ you. No wonder I was dreaming about Beast Boy…"

"Lust!" Affection's eyes appeared in the mirror. She sounded like she was ready to cry. "I'm so happy to see you!"

"And we are too!" Happy sang, causing the eyes to change to a lighter shade of pink. "This is amazing! You're back!"

"Yeah! I guess I am," Lust agreed. "Things do feel different than from what I remember."

"I can't even wrap my mind around it," I told her. "Like, am I still dreaming? I- I don't know where to start…"

"No no, it's okay. I can totally understand."

I shook my head: "I don't know if I should be happy or scared or… I don't know! I'm really sorry, Lust. This is great to have you here but-"

"It's okay, Raven. You can talk to me. Is there anything I can help you with?"

"So many things," I chuckled. "You wouldn't happen to know anything else about what happened before my amnesia, would you?"

As expected, Lust said she didn't.

"Then can I ask what made you come out? Don't get me wrong: this _is _great, but… why now? Why is this just happening now?"

"Isn't it obvious?" she countered coyly. "Beast Boy, silly! You didn't think you could keep those dirty little thoughts to yourself, huh?"

"Please don't bring _that_ up…"

Hiding my blush was pointless. If I felt it, then it was certain that my Emoticlones would feel it too. They all laughed as I ducked my head in shame, knowing that I couldn't deny any of it. At least I could always trust Timid to be sympathetic with me.

"I still don't understand it though."

"You don't understand what?" Lust asked me.

"I've liked Beast Boy for a long time, haven't I? Even before my amnesia, so I don't understand why you didn't come out sooner."

"Maybe it's because you spent a lot of time with BB yesterday," Brave suggested.

"Well, what about all the other times I was with Beast Boy? I liked him before me amnesia, so Lust must've been a part of me all along. And if she's a part of me, then why were we separated? Why is Calm and Rage separated from me too? Lust, Rage has been separate from Nevermore, just like you, so shouldn't I be scared of you too? I mean, all I've experienced from you is my _deepest desire_ to be with Beast Boy and that's only caused trouble. It's been like that with Rage so you can't blame me for being skeptical about my 'separated' emotions…"

Lust seemed hesitant to answer. The other Emoticlones stood silently within Nevermore, awaiting for their newest addition to speak. I knew I was being harsh with her but I wasn't ready to accept this just yet.

"Raven," she tried. "I'm sorry but I can't answer any of those questions."

"You don't know the answers or you don't know how to answer?"

"Both…"

"What do you think this means then?" I asked, a little more quiet.

"Raven." Wisdom's eyes appeared in the mirror and I turned my attention to her. "I do believe Lust was a part of us before your amnesia, as well as Rage and Calm. It is because of this amnesia that has separated us, creating a division within yourself that can only be destroyed by some means. For what reason? I am not quite sure, but being with Beast Boy seemed to have awakened her."

"It's true," said Lust. "You really do love him. I can feel it."

"I can feel it too!" Affection added.

"And I'm still confused."

"I'm sorry. I don't know how to explain it to you, Raven."

"There's a lot to explain!" I shouted. "All I've heard from the others about you is that you're the reason why I think about Beast Boy _in the way_ and you've basically been influencing these feelings onto me and making me do weird things! You've embarrassed me and frustrated me and Azar-only-knows what else you'd do if you're not suppressed so give me a good reason why I shouldn't be skeptical? Tell me, Lust!"

"We shouldn't be fighting like this," Happy told us all. "We should be celebrating Lust's return. We're finally a family again!"

"Not yet we're not," Brave drawled. "Rage is still out there and it looks like she won't talk to us anytime soon."

"Don't forget Calm," Timid reminded her.

"Yeah, but I'm more afraid of a demon than some hippie-guru."

"Nice one," I deadpanned.

"I'm only speaking your mind!"

"So this is what's going on: Lust has 'miraculously' returned but Rage and Calm are still separated and no one has seen them. And, apparently, I'm the only one who can communicate with them anyway. Lust, this doesn't make sense!"

"Yes, I _was_ separated from you, Raven. I remember that. I remember being on the outside, away from Nevermore. I couldn't talk with anybody else. I think I was damaged, but I don't remember how or why."

"Why did you and Affection make me kiss Beast Boy that one time?" I demanded. "Why were you even separated from me? How does this make sense?"

"I don't know why, Raven! All I remember is that the more time you spent with Beast Boy, the more you realized how much you loved him, the better I became. The more _powerful_ I became. I was still separated, and I'm not sure how or why, but I felt myself getting stronger the closer you two became. And I guess when Affection and I were both thinking the same thing, we ended up controlling you for a while."

"Yeah. You and Affection humiliated me in front of Beast Boy. I was scared because if you could do that then what's stopping anyone else from doing that? Who says that Rage isn't planning on doing that this very second?"

"I know how mad you were," Lust reiterated. "But there was no way I could tell you, no way I could talk to _any_ of you. It was only when you had those feelings, when you showed this deep infatuation with Beast Boy, that I was able to regain my strength. It was healing me and I know it was hurting you so I'm sorry. I'm here now, though. I'm telling you all of this. I'm on your side‒you can't just push me away…"

"How am I supposed to trust you?"

"How can you not trust yourself, Raven?" she asked me and I was taken back by this.

"I can trust myself," I argued. "I trust Wisdom and Happy and Brave‒I trust them all, but I can't trust the ones that were separated from me. We've barely communicated. You're unstable and it's harder for me to suppress you so I can't trust you yet."

"We aren't unstable. I think we're just a little more _exciting_…"

"Calm is supposed to be the opposite of exciting."

"Not in that way, Raven." I was ready to question her again but Lust stopped me. "I am and always will be a part of you, same as Calm and even Rage. Things have come between us, but we need to be with you. We can't stay separated forever and it's only a matter of time before you're pure again."

"Pure?"

"I'm sure that peace will come for you. For all of us. But it will only happen if we work together. You _have_ to trust me. You _have _to trust yourself."

The light from the mirror's glass dimmed and the pair of eyes closed before disappearing. I sat in utter shock. Unsatisfied, I interrogated the mirror for my Emoticlones to reveal themselves and I received no answer. I even listened to my subconscious, hoping to understand what was happening in Nevermore, and still, there was nothing. Complete silence, except for my own breathing.

Then, I felt it.

I inhaled sharply when my head started to pound. A wave of nausea impaired my thought-process and the ringing in my ears made it impossible to focus on what I was doing. I cried out in pain, instinctively cradling my head with my hands. It was as if each of my individual Emoticlones was trying to control me and by doing it all at once, I was almost incapacitated by their sheer power.

Thankfully, I was conscious enough to think of a solution. I assumed my meditating pose and started to chant my mantra in a stuttering voice. A connection within Nevermore was established and I didn't stop meditating until I ensured the suppression of all of my Emoticlones: Happy, Wisdom, Brave, Timid, Affection, Rude, Sloth, and then _Lust_.

I gasped when I felt her presence within my mind. It was hard to mistaken her, given how I could sense the impulse of my erotic desires, but as my mantra was droned, her power began to diminish. And, surprisingly, Lust wasn't fighting it. She accepted her place in Nevermore's hierarchy and in a matter of time, she was fully-suppressed. When I opened my eyes, I could tell that every single one of my Emoticlones, including Lust, was content.

I couldn't believe it; I had another Emoticlone at my disposal, and with how easy Lust was submitted under my will, it looked like I didn't need to worry about her after all.

_Thank you._

_No, Raven,_ Lust replied. _It's you I should be thanking._

I sighed and brought myself to my feet. This was amazing! Finally, after ages of fearing a meeting with one of my separated emotions, I was able to safely make contact with one of them, as well as end the division that made them seem dangerous. It was like giving an artist another color to add to their palate. I had another emotion to express‒no doubt it needed to be managed‒but I felt just a little more complete, just a little more confident in how I can think and feel. I was so excited about this that I needed to tell someone. More specifically, I needed to tell Beast Boy.

I was still in the dress I had worn the night before because I was too tired to change and, considering my severe case of bedhead, I decided to freshen up first. In the bathroom, I undressed, showered for a good 15 minutes, and then combed out the knots in my hair. Back in my room, I hung up the dress in my closet, knowing I would want to wear it again in the future, and grabbed another uniform. I slipped it on in the mirror, fastened my cloak with the brooch, and hurried out of my bedroom.

The doors to the Main Ops room split apart and I entered with the intention of searching for the green changeling. Unfortunately, everyone except the green changeling was in there. I started to move on to the next room but Robin, who had been fiddling with something at the table, sprang to his feet when he saw me.

"Oh hey! Raven! Wait up for a sec!"

I whirled around and greeted him nicely, though I emphasized to him that I was in a hurry.

"Alright, but before you go, we wanted you to have this."

Robin passed me the object that he had in his hand. For a moment, I didn't know what to say. I had seen the Titans use T-communicators many times before but I never thought about using one myself. As soon as I had received it, Cyborg and Starfire joined my side and started to congratulate me.

"What's this for?"

"It's for you," Robin laughed.

"But- but why? Why are you giving me this?"

"You're part of this team, aren't you?"

"I- I didn't think I was…"

"Don't you remember what you did yesterday?" Cyborg asked me.

_I did a lot of things yesterday…_

"No?"

"You kicked Dr. Light's butt, remember?"

"And just in time too," Robin added. "I would've been toast."

"_Literally._" Robin rolled his eyes and the mechanical man smirked.

"You were most amazing out there, Friend Raven," Starfire said with a kind smile. "We were proud to see you stand and fight against our foe."

"Yeah, and for that, we thought you should have your T-communicator," Robin finished. "Every Titan has one so it's about time for you to get yours too."

"So…does this mean I can go on more missions with all of you?" I asked.

Everyone laughed as they confirmed my inquiry. I smiled and then looked down at the T-communicator, not really sure how it worked. Starfire stepped up and she instructed me on the uses of the device. She briefly showed me how to make calls, how to track each other's movements, and also how to store the T-communicator into my brooch, to which I proceeded to do so. Once it was properly secured to my uniform, I turned around and modeled it to the Titans. Cyborg gave me a thumbs-up.

"Just be happy we're not gonna put you through the initiation again," he said.

"Initiation for what?"

"Probably best you didn't know," Robin laughed.

I didn't even bother to question it.

"Well, thanks again for doing this for me. I really appreciate it."

"You deserve it, Raven. And we're all just happy to see you be part of the team again."

"Yes," Starfire replied, agreeing with Robin. "It makes us most happy."

"Yeah." I remembered my initial intention and quickly came up with an excuse. "I have to go now though. I need to meditate before my Emoticlones go crazy."

"Alright. We won't get in your way," Cyborg said with a small chuckle. "You go on."

"Thanks. Bye!"

I left the Main Ops room and started down another hallway. In truth, I still didn't know where Beast Boy was but I figured out a more convenient way to meet up. When I had mentioned the need to meditate to the Titans, I was reminded of my latest dream. The thought of reenacting those affectionate moments on the rooftop excited me so I telepathically contacted Beast Boy and prayed he could hear me.

_Beast Boy. Meet me on the roof as soon as you can. I want to talk to you._

A few minutes after I traveled to the top of Titans Tower using the stairs.

"What?"

"I see you got my message."

"Like I wouldn't hear it," he joked. "And I was starting to think you stood me up."

"Well I didn't think you'd be here so early!"

"Yeah yeah yeah…"

The pea-green boy strolled over to me with open arms. I smiled, welcomed him with a hug, and I giggled when he planted a quick kiss on my cheek. We pulled away and Beast Boy looked me over, curiosity in his eyes.

"So, what's been going on, Rae?"

Seated side-by-side on the edge of the roof, I told Beast Boy everything. We talked about all the things that had happened to me this morning: the dream I had with Beast Boy in it, the T-communicator, and, of course, my first meeting with Lust. He asked me why she showed up so suddenly and I explained that it had someone to do with the emotions that I was feeling, though we weren't quite sure for the reason. With that said, I also thanked Beast Boy once again for that previous night. None of it would've happened if that date didn't happen either.

"Oh!" Beast Boy wiggled his eyebrows at me. "So, what you're saying is we should go out more often, huh?"

"I wouldn't mind it," I said coyly. "Last night was great and, because of that, I finally talked with Lust. I feel a lot better about myself than before all this."

"Yeah. I know, I work wonders. I should get paid for this."

"I think we should get paid for being Titans," I added. "Saving people and fighting bad guys isn't easy, especially when it comes to guys like Dr. Light…"

"Trust me: we _all_ wanna get paid for this," Beast Boy replied. "But Robin says we're heroes and 'heroes don't ask for rewards' and _blah blah blah…_"

"That does sound like something Robin would say."

"Don't tell him I said that. He'd kill me."

We both laughed a little and then things grew kinda quiet. I stared down at my dangling feet while Beast Boy stared into the sky. The sun had risen beyond the horizon but it was now currently masked by a congregation of clouds. The wind was brisk, slightly colder than from what I remembered from my dream, but it wasn't a bother to me. The view from the Tower was amazing and sharing a moment like this was enough to make me happy.

"You know, there's still a few things we _do _need to tell Robin though…" I tried.

"Yeah. I guess it would be nice to finally tell them." Beast Boy turned to me. "And I know you'd really like that too."

"Only if you're okay with it."

"I don't think I will be until we tell them. I'm just worried how they'll react to it. I don't know if they'll be mad at me or you or if they'll punish us or something..."

"Don't think that," I insisted. "And I highly doubt they'll punish us. What would they do? Put me back in the Infirmary? C'mon, they're are friends."

"That doesn't make me feel any better about betraying them."

I looked to Beast Boy and he dropped his gaze. Anticipating his next words, I leaned closer to him and insisted for him to talk to me about it. Then, without warning, I gasped and my hand instinctively grabbed onto Beast Boy for support. He turned to me with surprise and concern.

"Someone's coming up the stairs." I blurted. "I can sense them."

"Then I better go. Don't tell them I was here, alright?"

"W- wait!"

Without a second thought, the green changeling leaned forward, pushed himself off the ledge, and then he was falling. A shout was caught in my throat as I reached out to him but I was silenced when he disappeared. In a blur, Beast Boy had morphed into a fly and he was swept away in the powerful nautical breeze. I was overlooking the ledge, trying to locate him in the air when the door opened behind me.

"Starfire. You scared me."

"Please, excuse the interruption," she said, gliding towards me. "I apologize if I am disturbing the peace…"

"No, it's alright," I assured her, forcing a tiny smile. "Is there something you wanted to ask me?"

"Of course! Robin and I were curious to know if you, Cyborg, and Beast Boy would join us for the game of Stink Ball. Would you be interested to play?"

"Oh…" Realizing how awkward I must have looked, I changed my tone to seem more convincing. I didn't want to turn her down because I knew she'd get upset and after what the Titans had done for me, I just couldn't deny them. "Sure, I'd love to play with you guys."

"Do you?" she asked hopefully.

"Yeah! I just need some more time to meditate first. I want to make sure I'll be ready for the game."

"Wonderful! Please continue and I shall locate the others!" Starfire turned to leave and I relaxed a little, but then she hesitated when she reached for the door. She had another question for me. "Oh, and if I may ask, have you seen Beast Boy?"

I shook my head: "No. Not since yesterday."

Starfire nodded, apologized once more, and then she left as quickly as she had arrived. I gazed over the ledge to look for Beast Boy but I had trouble finding him, especially in his small size. It wasn't until he actually buzzed right into my face that I was able to spot him. As a fly, he flew back onto the roof and morphed back into his humane shape. I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that he had been found.

"At least that wasn't a total lie," he chuckled.

"Yeah, you're welcome. Now, go and let Starfire find you so we can play."

"Actually, I was thinking I should sit out on this one."

"What? Why?"

"You've had plenty of time to spend with me. You should spend some with the Titans too."

"I have been spending time with the Titans and I want to spend time with you too."

"Not this time, Raven. I'm sorry."

"I don't get what the big deal is. Can't you stay?"

"It's okay. Don't let this stop you from having fun. Just go on without me."

"Are you sure?"

Beast Boy smiled, stood on his toes, and planted a firm kiss on my lips. With a sigh, I gave in. He knew me almost too well.

"Fine, but I'm not done with that conversation," I warned him.

"Alright. Whatever ya say."

We kissed once more and then Beast Boy morphed back into a fly, just as the door to the roof opened.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I really wished that I could've posted this earlier into the day. I hate to keep you guys waiting, but hopefully I made up for it with a longer chapter :) Oh, and one last thing to mention: the title of this chapter was taken from the TV show, _Mr. Robot_. It's a quote from Christian Slater's character, Mr. Robot, and I thought it was fitting (and deceiving) for the chapter so I decided to use it. Just making sure I don't get credit for the name :) Anyways, expect another chapter soon! Cya!


	44. The Risky Game

**Author's Note:** Hi everybody! I want to start out by apologizing that my last chapter had a LOT of errors in it. I usually have enough time to edit and revise these chapters before posting, but I was a little rushed on my last chapter. I didn't see my errors until after I posted it, so I ended up updating it many times to fix them. I'm really sorry about that, but I'm sure this chapter should flow better, and this is where things get interesting :) Thank you for your patience with me and happy reading!

**A Previous Summary:** After having a familiar dream involving Beast Boy, Raven wakes up and realizes that someone in Nevermore is summoning her. She quickly prepares a ritual and discovers that Lust, the Emoticlone that she feared to meet, was the cause of the disturbance. Raven is still confused on how this happened. She doesn't understand how she was the only one to communicate with Lust and that Rage and Calm are still separated, but she's relieved when Lust is able to reunite with Nevermore. Since she's suppressed, Raven feels like she won't have to worry about her. Eager to tell Beast Boy, Raven goes to search for him and she runs into the other Titans, who give her the T-communicator. She is now officially a Titan again. Later, she finally talks with Beast Boy on the roof and she tells him everything about that day. She wants to talk more about keeping the secret from the Titans but they are interrupted with Starfire asks if Raven wished to play a game of Stink Ball. Raven agrees, though she gets upset when Beast Boy opts out of the game. He does, however, promise her that they'll talk again later.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 44: _The Risky Game_

Beast Boy buzzed away just in time because the other Titans piled onto the roof not a minute later. Starfire was leading the group and she was gushing about something to Robin as they appeared from the stairwell. Cyborg came in the rear, the infamous ball of socks at his side. Thankfully, I sensed Beast Boy slip past the door before Cyborg closed it behind him.

"Alright!" announced Robin, clapping his hands to silence the chatter. "Are we here to play a game or what?"

"I am afraid that one member of the team is not present," said Starfire.

"Beast Boy still ain't here?" Cyborg asked.

"No. Unfortunately, I could not locate him. His presence has not been notified since the prior night."

I remained quiet on the subject. The others collectively shrugged and the mechanical man shook his head. He truly looked disappointed but he didn't dwell on it.

"Oh well. It's his loss. Let's play!"

The Titans and I must have played Stink Ball for several hours, just until the sun had reached the peak of its daily journey across the sky. We decided to make the teams as fair as possible, pitting one girl and one boy against one another. I teamed up Robin and together, we played vigilantly against Starfire and Cyborg. However, in the end, we didn't win. We lost by one point but it didn't feel like a loss. The only reason why Starfire and Cyborg scored another point anyway was because we were caught off-guard.

It happened after the green-sclera alien hit the ball over the net. Robin set the ball high into the air and I soared above the court to retrieve it. With precision, I used my dark energy to spike it onto the ground in enemy territory and it just so happened that Cyborg was there to block it.

The mechanical man clasped his hands and readied his arms to bounce the ball, but his aim‒and _my_ aim‒missed the initial target. That ball of socks hit Cyborg square in the head, causing him to stumble backwards a few paces. He was momentarily dazed from the impact and, for a moment, everyone was silent. Starfire rushed to his side and I levitated mid-air, unable to produce words. Then, before anyone could say anything, we all erupted into laughter.

Starfire was clutching her stomach from the fit of giggles and Robin had his hands on his knees, his shoulders shaking with each chuckle. My own face was bright red. I didn't know whether it was because I was embarrassed or because I was exhausted from the game, but either way, I couldn't stop smiling.

"Cyborg!" I said once I had caught my breath. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"

"Oh I'm fine," he told me. Cyborg stooped down to pick up the ball, holding it with a firm grip in his right hand. "That was a good move, Raven. I'll give you props for it."

"Azar, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hit you!"

"Yeah? Well next time, think twice before you hit me because-" Before Robin and I could stop him, Cyborg launched the ball over the net and it passed over our heads. The ball bounded onto our side of the court and another point was added to our opponents team, leaving a final score of 52-53. Cyborg's cybernetic arms were raised in celebration. "-WE JUST BEAT Y'ALL!"

"Hey! That's not fair! We weren't ready!" Robin shouted, but it was no use; Cyborg and Starfire were already celebrating their victory. There was no point in arguing over it because they wouldn't have listened to us anyway.

I lowered myself onto the roof and settled next to the masked boy. He looked a little annoyed to have lost the game end but I was still grinning. Robin saw my smile and he reciprocated it, clapping me on the back as a way to congratulate me. We walked towards the other Titans and everyone thanked each other for the good game. It was definitely one of the better games I had played: it gave me an opportunity to practice my skills and my teamwork with the Titans, and the camaraderie afterwards made me feel good about myself. It's just a shame that Beast Boy wasn't there with me.

"Don't get so used to it," I playfully warned the mechanical man.

"Huh?"

"Yeah, you win, but just for today. Only because I was going easy on you."

"Oh, really?" Cyborg asked me with a chuckle.

"Yeah," added Robin. "And next time, you're going down."

"Can't wait, bird boy. You two are so on."

Later, after that game of Stink Ball and a good midday meal, the Titans split off to do their business. Robin and Starfire went to the Crime Lab together while Beast Boy hung out in the Main Ops room, entertaining himself with a video game. Cyborg was just returning from a search of the Tower, obviously frustrated, and he was surprised to see that his green little friend had been there the whole time.

"Hey! There ya are, BB. I tried calling ya a couple times…"

Beast Boy nodded to acknowledge him but he didn't show any interest to the conversation. His eyes glued to the projected screen, Beast Boy continued to play the video game, barely reacting to his own digital triumphs and defeats.

I never actually heard the entire conversation in person so it wasn't easy to comprehend when I first eavesdropped on them. I had to decrypt it myself, manually understand the concepts that were being inferred about halfway into the discussion. It wasn't until a while ago, when I dwelled on this memory, that I was able to witness the full episode, as well as the visual cues. It was much more crushing than I had remembered.

"Oh, sorry about that," said the green changeling at last. "I left it up in my room for the day."

"I guess that explains it, but don't do that again. It should always be on ya." Beast Boy nodded again, though he didn't seem to care. "So uh, what's going on?" Cyborg went on, crossing his cybernetic arms over his chest.

"Nothing."

"Mind if I ask what you were doing earlier?"

"I was just hanging out," Beast Boy answered lamely.

"Hanging out, huh?"

"Yeah. Thought I could use some alone time."

"And where were you while you were doing this?"

Beast Boy gave him a sideways glance. "Outside. I wanted to get away from the Tower for a bit."

"Yeah?" Cyborg raised an eyebrow. "Well you oughta let us know next time. While you were too busy with your thumb up your butt, everyone was wondering where you were, including Raven."

"What happened? Did I miss anything?"

"Not if you count Raven being a Titan again, or us giving her the T-communicator back, or playing Stink Ball as a team."

"You guys did all that?"

"Yeah, and you weren't there for it. Can ya tell me why?"

Beast smirked and ultimately shrugged. "Nah, it's no big deal."

"Didn't ya hear me? Raven is _officially_ a Titan again. She's part of the team, just like we all wanted her to be."

"Yeah, I know, that's good! I'm real happy for her."

"Then you should tell her that yourself. You were gone and I'm sure she would've wanted you there-" Cyborg insisted, to which Beast Boy half-laughed.

"Yeah. _Right_. Like I'm welcomed to be in the same room as Raven…"

"Don't do this, man."

"What?" said Beast Boy, becoming defensive. "Am I doing something wrong?"

"You know what you're doing; you're being unreasonable, that's what. I don't wanna hear this _yeah right_ crap from you. This is serious…"

"I'm not doing anything! I was sitting here, minding my own business, when you busted in and threw a fit. You're the one that's being unreasonable, _not _me."

"I'm talking about what you did today‒or what you didn't do. It should've been a team thing and you were missing out. Do you know how bad that must've looked to Raven?"

"So what if I didn't play with you guys? Is it really that big of a deal?"

"Don't pretend you hate her," Cyborg chastised him. "I know you still have feelings for Raven so you don't need to _play it cool_ with me. You don't need to hide anything either."

"I'm not hiding anything."

"Really…"

The pause button was clicked and Beast Boy gave Cyborg his attention, just as he had requested. However, the look he received from the green changeling was deadly cold. I had only seen that very expression a few times and the more recent of these instances had nearly resulted in a death.

"Why are you really here?" Beast Boy challenged the mechanical man.

"C'mon, BB. Why don't we talk someplace else?"

"What? You got something you wanna say to me?"

"I'm not asking you again. Let's go."

"You know what? No."

"No?"

"I don't need to hear this. Go spout off somewhere else…"

"What's gotten into you, man?" Cyborg asked, throwing his hands up in anger.

"I didn't come here to get yelled at. I just wanted to play my game, hang out, maybe eat a little, but you just _had_ to come in here and start a fight. Fine. You wanna let off some steam? Go ahead, but don't you come screaming at me 'cause I did nothing to deserve this."

Beast Boy stood up, tossed his controller away, and started to stalk across the room. He was heading to the exit, most likely towards his bedroom for some privacy, but as he was going up the small flight of stairs, Cyborg said something that made Beast Boy stop in his tracks.

"You told her, didn't you?"

Beast Boy didn't answer right away. He decided to play dumb, thinking he could disguise his initial panic. However, I wouldn't have needed to use my empathetic abilities to discover how nervous he truly was.

"Told her what?" he responded from over his shoulder.

"About the incident," Cyborg said, shaking his head. "You told her what she wanted to hear."

"What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Did you or did you not?"

"No!" Beast Boy pleaded. "I didn't!"

"It's bad enough with us keeping secrets from Robin and Starfire. Now you're gonna keep secrets from me?"

"I'm telling the truth, Cy! I didn't tell Raven anything!"

"There's no way any of any this would've happened without you telling her. She knows about it now and it's because _you_ told her, isn't it?"

Beast Boy's mind was flooded with thoughts: _Does he know? Did he _really _figure it out? Were me and Raven not careful enough?_

"You're insane," he dismissed him. "You got no proof that I did anything!"

"Really? 'Cause, from what _I_ remember, as soon as Raven lost her memory, your first instinct was to tell her everything. You wanted to keep her close, care for her‒you wanted to do everything in your power to fix this, to fix _her_, and now you expect me to believe that you've given up? Missing a chance to hang out with Raven isn't like you. Hell, you jumped whenever you saw Raven. You'd get all jittery right in front of her! And now you just don't care anymore? That's _bullshit_. I don't buy it."

"Are you accusing me?"

"I don't need to accuse you, BB. I already know. I just wanted to see if you were man enough to admit it for yourself."

"That doesn't mean anything. So what if I didn't hang out with you guys like I normally do? I just wanted to hang out by myself for once! Is that a crime, Cy?"

"Then what about what you did last night?"

"What? When I was _asleep_?"

"When you and Raven left your rooms and met in the middle of the night. What about that?"

Beast Boy had a hard time defending himself now. Being as nervous as he was, he was starting to stutter as he tried to argue for himself. But, despite how upset Cyborg was, he did show pity. In fact, Cyborg was probably more disappointed than upset.

"I don't know what you're talking about…"

"I saw you two in the hallway last night," the mechanical man explained. "Now, I don't know what you guys were doing there but I saw enough. You were talking to Raven and hugging her and then...I watched you two kiss."

Beast Boy walked back down the stairs and approached Cyborg without breaking eye-contact. "So you were _spying_ on us," he spat venomously.

"I found you guys on accident-"

"No! You spied on us, you prick!"

"I do security-checks all day and all night, Grass Stain. I heard a noise in the hallway and damn right I decided to check it out! It wasn't on purpose, I didn't mean to stumble across y'all, but you two were out in the open anyway. Anyone could've seen you!"

"I was careful-"

"I saw you with her, BB. I'm just saying you can't lie to me anymore 'cause I know the truth."

"You just _happened_ to see us in the middle of the night and now you think I'm betraying you? Cyborg, you don't even know what happened! You know nothing!"

"You're right: I _don't_ know anything about what you did with Raven last night… Wanna catch me up on the details?"

Beast Boy was absolutely petrified. His inflamed cheeks showed that he was embarrassed, but his eyes were a threat.

"We saw each other and said goodnight. Then we went to bed."

"What about before that?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, you did _something_ alright. Where did you take her?"

"No place where she wasn't safe."

"I don't believe you."

"You NEVER believe me!"

"How do you expect me to believe you, BB? You wouldn't dress up like that so you could hang out on the roof; you left the Tower with her, didn't you? You snuck out and I'm guessing you used Raven's portals so you wouldn't trigger the alarm system, am I right?" Beast Boy stayed quiet and Cyborg confirmed his suspicions. "Do you know how dangerous that was? We waited weeks before we took Raven outta the Tower and even with the team, Raven was at risk. Did you really think she'll be safe when only you're there to protect her?"

"That's why we went out at night. Everyone was asleep and nobody would've recognized us with our clothes. And we were fine. We were in and out of the city in no time and Raven was happy about it. It was the least I could do for her."

"What if someone _did_ recognize ya? What would you've done if you guys were in danger?"

"Then I would've called everybody for help! I'm not that dumb! I'd put everything aside to make sure Raven is safe and that's what I did! I trusted Raven and Raven trusted me. We had each other's backs and I told you, I was careful. Everything went smoothly."

"Yeah, well you wouldn't have had to worry about that if you had kept your mouth shut in the first place…"

Beast Boy ducked his head, trying to contain the tears in his eyes. "Are ya here to rat me out, then?" he said through a clenched jaw. "Are you telling me this just to make me feel guilty and get me into more trouble?"

Cyborg shook his head and sighed: "Look, all I'm saying is if you're gonna do this, you better do it right. You need to tell Robin-"

"No."

"Listen to me, BB: do you know how lucky you are that I'm even talking to you like this? What if that was Robin and not me who found y'all in the hallway? What if Starfire saw you guys? She couldn't keep a secret either! Do you really want anyone else figuring it out too? People from _outside_ the Tower?"

"I was careful. I care about this…"

"No. You gotta _stop_ this, this risky game you're playing. I know how much it means to you and I get that, but you can put her in danger, alright? You're not being smart…"

"What makes you think you can decide what's best for Raven?"

"What makes you think _you_ can?" Cyborg shot back.

"Because _I_ actually know what happened. I saw it happen right in front of me and if I wanna take matters into my own hands then you should let me!"

"Hey, newsflash! We _all_ saw what happened to her."

"Well I was closest with her. We went to hell and back for each other."

"And we went through it too! We saw what happened to Raven and we _all_ decided to keep it a secret. We made a promise not to tell Raven anything, to let _nature take it's course_ and all that, and you broke it."

"I didn't tell her everything."

"Yeah? Well it looks like you told her enough."

The mechanical man looked to Beast Boy for a reply. Beast Boy distracted himself by staring out the window, observing the ocean as he told himself not to break down in front of his friend. Aggravated, Cyborg huffed to himself.

"You should be thanking me," he muttered. "I could've gone to Robin and spilled the whole thing. I could've thrown you under the bus, like what you did to me and everyone else here, but I'm trying to help you‒I wanna help you."

"Why would you wanna help me?" barked Beast Boy. "You're _pissed_ at me."

"Yeah, I am pissed, but it's not because you and Raven are together again. Hell, I want you guys to be happy. We _all_ want Raven to be happy, but telling her about her amnesia and Slade and answering all her questions isn't the right thing to do, no matter how badly we wanna do it. And doing it _just_ so you can get back together with Raven isn't the right thing to do either!"

It was at this time that I first noticed the argument in the Main Ops room. I had been returning from a search of the Tower, wondering where the green changeling had been residing ever since he ditched the game of Stink Ball. With his empty bedroom, a vacant roof, and the abandoned Game Room, the only other place I could think of was the Main Ops room and I was surprised to sense that Beast Boy was not alone in there. Captivated by the loud voices and the use of my name, I crouched in the hallway and used my senses to gather as much detail as I could.

"You're making yourself look guilty, BB. Sooner or later, they'll read between the lines so you better tell him and make things right with Raven before they get worse."

"I can't do that."

"Why?"

"Oh, do you _wanna_ tell them now?" Beast Boy asked sarcastically. "What, with the whole trial going on? If we're stressed enough already with the trial and Slade and the press, do you think telling them about this would make things better? C'mon, Cyborg‒Starfire'll be crushed and Robin'll be so mad‒they don't deserve anything else to worry about."

"And who's fault is it?" Cyborg snapped.

"I feel horrible, okay?"

"Do you?"

"Yeah! I do! What? Do you think telling Raven was easy? Do you think telling her gave me comfort? Yeah, I was happy to see things work out between us, but that doesn't mean I didn't feel guilty."

"I'm sorry, BB, but what you did wasn't right. The way I see it, you just wanted things to go back to the way they were. You wanted Raven to be your girlfriend again so you betrayed us and told her to truth. You made us look like the bad guys and I guess that's why you and Raven got so close. Is that it? Is that why you did it?"

"No! I wouldn't do that."

"This doesn't look good on ya. Do you really think people will believe you can be with Raven without telling her the truth? And even you didn't tell her anything, it would still look bad. People would think you're taking advantage of her."

"I would never do that! I love her, Cy! I didn't want to put Raven into this position but she begged for it. She asked me so many times and… I had to do it. You have to believe me, okay? I needed to tell Raven but I was careful not to tell her too much. Just enough for her to stay with us."

Cyborg quieted himself. I heard the green changeling sniff and pause to wipe his nose with the back of his gloved hand. Still poised behind the door, a safe distance away from the motion-sensor, I listened to the two Titans as they argued over me. Even in the darkness, I felt like my cheeks were glowing with humiliation.

"Was she really gonna run away?" Cyborg asked softly.

At this, Beast Boy's ears drooped a little. "Yeah. She was. You found out just in time. A few minutes later and it could've been impossible to track her down."

"I care about her too, ya know," Cyborg said hesitantly. "I've fed her, cleaned up for her, and watched over her for months. You can't blame me for checking up on Raven whenever I can. I'm getting more and more worried about her."

"I know, but you gotta trust me. I got everything under control. Me and Raven have everything all planned out on what we're gonna do-"

"You're not doing anything with her until we figure _this_ out. You need my help."

"I want you to stay outta this."

"What?"

"Don't tell Robin anything. Just wait. I can take care of it from here."

"Take care of what?"

"I planned it out with Raven. We'll tell Robin as soon as this whole trial thing is over and when we don't have to worry about Slade. There's no reason to argue about it anymore. We've made up our minds and I'm not changing it."

"C'mon, can't we just talk for once? Stop getting all worked up!"

"I never wanted to talk to you about this. I didn't even think you _knew_ about me and Raven! Everything was all set and it's gonna be a while before we do anything so just shut up about it and it'll happen when it happens."

"BB, I don't think you can wait on this-"

"Well, think whatever you want, but we're not telling him until we're ready."

"And what's stopping me from telling Robin myself?"

"You better not," Beast Boy threatened him. "You'd ruin everything for us."

"You put yourself into this situation, BB. I think you should-"

"To hell with what you think!"

"What's going on?"

Everyone, including me, flinched when another voice called out from across the room. The masked leader of the Titans was standing in the doorway, completely bewildered to see Cyborg and Beast Boy engaged in a heated argument. As Robin approached them, Beast Boy tried to hide what they were arguing about.

"Nothing, Robin. It's nothing."

"I can hear you guys shouting from across the Tower. It's all business to me."

Beast Boy looked down at his feet and Robin turned to Cyborg, raising a quizzical eyebrow. Cyborg gave in and he explained the situation to some degree.

"It's really nothing, man. I was just talking to Beast Boy about where he's been lately."

"Oh yeah, we were wondering where you were, Beast Boy," said Robin with a smirk. "We thought you'd wanna play Stink Ball with us."

"Well I didn't," he said grouchily. "I needed some alone time."

"He probably needs a nap. He's acting a little cranky now."

"Shut up, Cy! I do not!"

"Hey, cut it out," intervened the leader of the Titans. "What's gotten into you two?"

"Nothing!" Beast Boy stressed to him. "And I don't wanna talk about this."

"Why not?"

"Because I've already been over it with Cyborg and he's just yelling at me!"

"Oh really?" asked Cyborg in disbelief. "Is it my voice that's upsetting you or the fact that I'm right and you're wrong?"

"I'm not talking about this again to you and especially not to Robin. We're done here."

The green changeling glared at Cyborg, hoping he'd get the hint not to mention anything about me‒I had almost forgotten that the reason why Cyborg and Beast Boy were so mad was because they disagreed on how to deal with me. Robin, however, took this as an insult. He genuinely thought his friends were upset him and he wanted to understand them.

"So it that what this is about?" he asked. "Are you guys mad at me for something?"

"No," said Beast Boy, but I knew he was just saying that to avoid a discussion. "I'm leaving now. I've had it up to here with you guys today."

"You know what? Wait. Maybe now is a good time to talk."

"In case you haven't realized, I'm not in a good mood, Robin. I don't wanna talk to anybody."

"Alright, then I'll do the talking and you can just listen to me."

"About what?"

Robin started to apologize to Beast Boy and Cyborg for the promise they had made months ago. He was well-aware how upset this made Beast Boy so he explained that it was only out of good intentions. Robin was divulging into why they promised to keep my past life a secret from me and after a while, Beast Boy interrupted him. He didn't understand why Robin was straying from the topic.

"Well that's it, isn't it?" Robin asked them. "You're mad at me for the decisions I've been making for Raven, right? And I can't blame you for being mad. I'm not happy about them either and I heard you guys talking about it so-"

"We're not mad at ya, Robin," Cyborg told him. "I swear that's not why we got mad at each other."

Robin nodded solemnly and swallowed hard. "Okay, but I'm just saying that I'm not trying to get in the way of Raven's progress. You know I want her to get better, but Beast Boy, you're not helping her anymore than I am."

"Wha-?"

"I've told you so many times to leave her alone," Robin interrupted him. "And look at what you're doing to her."

"What _I'm_ doing?"

"Yeah! Do you really think Raven wants to be on the spot like this? I know how much you love being with her but you're keeping something from everybody, including Raven. These kinda things aren't easy to hide and they shouldn't be kept hidden either."

"Wait, what makes you say that?" Robin hesitated to answer him and Beast Boy grew more and more furious. "You _know_ about me and Raven? You know about _us_?"

"Yeah," he admitted mournfully. "Not directly but…yeah, I guess I saw it coming."

Now Beast Boy turned to Cyborg, a wild look in his eyes: "You TOLD him?"

"What? No!" Cyborg exclaimed. "I'm just as shocked as you are!"

"But Robin knows about… How does he know? We were the only ones, weren't we?"

"I didn't tell him anything, BB! I told you I wouldn't!"

"I found out by myself," Robin interjected, feeling ignored by their argument. "Don't blame, Cyborg. Starfire and I knew about it for some time now."

"How?"

"That was the first thing on my mind, Beast Boy! C'mon, do you really think I wouldn't consider it? You loved Raven so much and I know how you are with her. It wasn't that long before you stopped mentioning it and things got quiet. And then seeing how you were with her, watching Raven blossom into who she really was, I couldn't help but think you had something to do with it…"

"Why didn't you say anything?" Cyborg asked him.

"We didn't think we'd have to! Yeah, we were worried about it, but we trusted that our friends would stick to our promise to keep Raven out of it. That if Beast Boy really loved Raven, then he'd do what's best for her. We didn't see anything on it, but now that I know it's true…"

The green changeling was having a hard time comprehending what his friends were saying. From where I was, even I started to panic. This is what I had been wanting all along: to tell the Titans the truth. We were going to tell them ourselves, when the day was right, but they already knew. They already knew that Beast Boy had betrayed them, that I knew more about my amnesia than they planned for me to know.

Once again, what I wanted was what I didn't need. It was too late to change anything.

"That's- that's not fair…" he stuttered. "There's no way you could've figured it out…"

"I'm sorry. I should've talked to you guys sooner."

"No! You never should've talked to us at all! You weren't supposed to know!"

"Lay off of him," Cyborg reprimanded the green changeling, to which he ignored.

"I didn't want this to happen either," said Robin. "I didn't think it was true until now and I can't tell you how many things this changes. Beast Boy, you gotta understand that what you did was wrong, that you _did_ betray us. Telling Raven _anything_ just so you could be with her again wasn't the right thing to do-"

"That's not what I did!" he screamed.

"Then why _did_ you tell her?" said Cyborg. "Why did you break our promise? I thought we had everything settled. I thought she was getting better…"

"She is! I swear she's better!"

"If you're telling her everything then she isn't getting better," Robin finished. "Raven needs to figure things out on her own. She needs to _learn_ this, even if it means we hafta wait. It needs to be natural and if you're just telling what to do and what to think then-"

"That's not what I'm doing! And I didn't tell her anything about what she did, just what happened! You guys need to trust me on this."

"Man, we _did_ trust you!" Cyborg groaned. "But now the whole damn secret's out and we need to figure out how we're gonna explain this to Raven. We don't even know how this affects her amnesia. This could be good or bad, and there's no turning back now: we have to deal with it. Don't you realize what you've done?"

"I didn't do anything wrong. Raven wanted me to do this. She asked me and…" Beast Boy's voice started to drift off. "How could I say no to her?"

"You shouldn't have mentioned it anyway," Robin told him firmly. "You should've said nothing. We'd all wanna know what happened if we were in Raven's place, I get that, but waiting for the right time, waiting for her to figure it out for herself, is the best option for her."

"You don't know that!"

"We had this all planned, BB. We talked about this months ago! You promised you wouldn't say anything to her."

"And you promised you wouldn't tell Robin."

"I didn't! When are you gonna get that through your head?!"

"You were playing a risky game, Beast Boy," Robin told him. "You were cheating us, cheating Raven, and cheating yourself. I'm sorry, but there's no way you could've kept it a secret any longer. There was just too many to count."

"Yeah," said Cyborg. "But whatever. It's over, BB. You made this mess so now you're gonna help us fix it."

"No!"

"No?" Robin demanded.

"Do you really think taking back anything I said will change anything?!" the green Titan screamed. "NOTHING will change! It already changed and it won't change again: that's how it's supposed to be!"

"We're not talking about what happened, but what _will_ happen if you don't do anything for Raven."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"You need to talk to her about this."

"What? And tell her what?"

The leader of the Titans reeled at this. He shook his head and repeated himself, to which Beast Boy insisted for him to clarify. They were both becoming increasingly frustrated, but Beast Boy knew there was nothing he could say to me to change anything that had happened. He just wanted to prove a point to Robin and that infuriated their leader.

"I don't know."

"Should I tell her I was lying? That I never loved her and that I take it all back?"

"No!"

"Should I tell her she's more guilty of lying than I am? Is that what you want?"

"No! You better not mention _any_ of this to Raven!"

"Then what do you want me to say? What are you saying I should tell her?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Robin barked at him. "I- I don't know…"

He looked away from his friends and placed his hands on his hips to steady himself. The other boys stood quietly, surprised to hear Robin's outburst. The masked boy didn't say much else on the topic: it seemed like he didn't have the slightest clue on what to say. Seeing that Robin was completely disheveled, Cyborg stepped in to address the situation. He took a calming voice, as if he was approaching a feral animal. At this point, I had never seen Beast Boy so untamed.

"BB, things can't go on like this. I want Raven to be happy, I want _you_ to be happy, but to do that, something needs to happen. Something needs to change."

"I'm not gonna-" he protested but he was cut off too early.

"Listen to me!" Cyborg grabbed the green changeling by his shoulders and gave him a firm jolt. Beast Boy squirmed under his iron grip. "Think about Raven. Think about everything you two have gone through together, even if she doesn't remember. Think about how bad you want Raven to be happy here. And now think how bad she'll feel if her memory doesn't come back as it should, or if it doesn't come back at all. How do you think _you'd_ feel if you're the reason why Raven's amnesia never got any better?"

"Maybe her memory doesn't need to come back!" Beast Boy squeaked.

"You didn't just say that."

"Raven is doing fine! She's learning new things everyday, she's happy, and she loves me. She knows about Slade and how her amnesia happened, but she doesn't need to know everything. She can still move on with her life!"

"You really think that?"

"Yes!"

"You'd stop trying to help Raven figure out the truth of it all, even when you've already told her so much about it already? You'd just let her forget? You'd let her go on without the truth?"

"If it means that Raven would be happy then yes! I would! Now GET OFF OF ME!"

Shocked, the mechanical man released Beast Boy and took a step back. In return, Beast Boy placed both hands on Cyborg's chest and he shoved into him. Cyborg was a big guy so it didn't affect him very much, but it pained him to see how mad Beast Boy was. Robin's immediate response was to put himself between Cyborg and Beast Boy in an effort to stop the fight. Seeing this, Beast Boy faked a punch at Robin and the masked boy braced himself for it. Beast Boy smirked and then Cyborg called him out on it, much to his dismay.

I could sense the rest of the ongoing brawl from beyond the door. Beast Boy was still shouting at his friends, who were attempting to quiet him, and violent physicality ensued. Blinded by my thoughts, I stumbled to my feet. I couldn't bear the sounds of complete anguish and pain, especially when it came from the person I had loved for an unaccountable amount of time.

My first instinct was to leave, to pretend I didn't hear any of it. I wasn't meant to hear any of it anyway! And yet there I was, eavesdropping on the Titans again when I should've kept to myself‒the guilt was an added weight to my fluctuating emotions. Being anywhere near the Titans was the last thing I wanted so I got to my feet and hurried down the hallway.

Then, I was face-to-face with the tangerine girl.

I released a little yelp as I bumped into her and there was an awkward pause as we processed what had happened. Everything was at a standstill and even in the Main Ops room some distance away, the feud ceased. Starfire was completely innocent. She was just turning into the hallway, merrily searching for her friends, and I ran into her nearly full-speed. It was an accident but I was visibly stunned to have encountered her.

Starfire was desperately apologizing for the scare. She reached out to me and I pulled away, turning my back on her once again. I sprinted down the hallway until I gained enough speed for my feet to lift off the ground. Even then, I didn't stop.

_I'm sorry,_ was the only thing I could think of. _I'm so sorry..._

* * *

**Author's Note:** So...yeah! A lot of things happening in this one and Raven's running away again (what a shocker...) This chapter wasn't easy to write but I'm glad I finished it! By the way, I'm really sorry about the bad words in the dialogue. Normally, I like to put "cussed" or "cursed" whenever I want to imply it, but I felt like it was appropriate. I do try not to swear and there shouldn't be very much vulgar language in this, but I just wanted to apologize. I know that not everyone would like to read that kinda stuff. Once again, thanks for reading and I hope everyone enjoyed themselves for the holidays. It's back to school for me, and my finals are coming up in a week (yes, I have finals AFTER winter break…such a shame...) so I might need another 3 weeks to write because I have a lot of work and studying ahead of me, but this is why I wrote a longer chapter. We'll see how it goes! Anyways, goodbye and I'll try to get back as soon as I can!


	45. Beliefs

**Author's Note:** Hello everybody! Another wonderful Sunday to post as always :) I don't have much to say until the bottom of the page so go on and get reading! Enjoy!

**A Previous Summary:** After Beast Boy left, the other Titans came onto the roof to play a game of Stink Ball with Raven. She does enjoy herself, though Cyborg seemed to be disappointed at Beast Boy's absence. Later on in the day, Cyborg finds Beast Boy in the Main Ops room and he begins to interrogate him on where he's been. As time wears on, the two Titans launch into an argument, concerning Beast Boy's whereabouts and his afflictions with Raven, which Cyborg seemed to know a lot about. Then, to make matters worse, Robin shows up in the middle of it and he, too, becomes involved in the argument. This causes him to finally confront Beast Boy and Robin relays his suspicions of Beast Boy breaking his promise to be with Raven. Beast Boy immediately accuses Cyborg for breaking _his_ promise to not tell Robin, and Cyborg protests that he didn't. As they all continue to fight about it, Raven hears a good amount of the fighting and she is horrified by this revelation. When she is caught eavesdropping by Starfire, Raven's only thought is to run away before the guilt she feels renders her powerless.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 45: _Beliefs_

I didn't have the energy in me to fly very far. It was almost impossible to focus with my strained emotions, but I used the risk of plummeting over 50 feet into the frigid water below to force myself to keep going.

I levitated as fast as I could away from the Tower, away from the other Titans. The sun was just beginning to set over the horizon, shrouded by a cluster of clouds, and city lights started to appear along the coastline. Without a clear sense of direction, I blindly followed them while my mind went into a frenzy.

I didn't even catch everything that Beast Boy had said. I heard Beast Boy refusing to tell the others about his relationship with me, which Cyborg somehow knew about, and then mention the time I almost ran away for good. As if I couldn't feel any worse, Robin happened to come along and later admit that he knew about our relationship the whole time. It meant everything that we had done to preserve our secrets was in vain, and Beast Boy seemed to be a cause of it.

Even though I knew that Beast Boy was playing both sides, that he was keeping secrets from the Titans, it was shocking when I learned that he was still keeping secrets from me too.

_How did Cyborg know about the time I ran away?_ I had thought. _Beast Boy said he wouldn't tell anyone and I believed him!_

_Maybe Cyborg figured it out by himself, just like how Robin did with my relationship with Beast Boy._

_But _how _did Cyborg figure it out?! And how did Robin figure it out too?!_

It wasn't that I was any better at keeping secrets. Hell, there's a lot that the Titans could learn from me, and a lot that I could learn from myself. I was just heartbroken at how everything happened so fast and I couldn't have done anything to change it.

With so little thought, I ended up traveling into the city. Shops had already closed for the night and the streets were mostly vacant, creating an eerie silence within the city. I was careful to avoid the few pedestrians by flying at a high altitude, but I didn't think I could last much longer. My Emoticlones seemed to be battling against me so I really needed a place to land before my powers gave out.

As I navigated around the buildings, I started to panic at the thought of being recognized. I couldn't just land anywhere because the last thing I wanted was anyone else seeing me like this, or even worse, _recognizing_ me as one of the Titans. I realized how stupid I was to flee into the city, which only made me panic even more and search more desperately for a place to hide. That's when I remembered the only safe haven I could think of.

I flew with great speed towards the park, breathless from the great effort it took to summon my strength. Since it was getting late, not many people were seen in the public estate. I was able to fly across the open fields without being spotted, heading towards a familiar grouping of trees. When I reached the ground, stumbled on my feet and collapsed into the damp grass. The tears finally spilled from my face.

I wept about how much I loved Beast Boy, about how badly I wanted things to work out for us. I only wanted to get the Titans to understand and I knew that I needed to explain that to them, but I wasn't given a chance. Robin and Starfire knew about Beast Boy and I, as did Cyborg! With the way they were arguing about it to Beast Boy, they seemed upset and I knew it was only a matter of time before they would argue with me.

Somehow along the way, we had messed up. Beast Boy and I were both guilty for the reveal of the secret, but at the time, I had been too distraught to realize it.

As I was crying, I managed to crawl towards the base of a tree and lean into it. There, I tried to quiet myself. My face was covered with all sorts of nasty fluids so I used my hands to wipe them away. During this time, my Emoticlones had been silence, grieving about the situation with me, but one of them happened to speak out.

_I don't understand_, Rude told me. _You wanted to tell the Titans about this, didn't you? You've been pestering that grass stain ever since you two started dating to tell them. Well, now they know! So what's the big deal here?_

"They weren't supposed to know until we were ready. We were supposed to tell them together so that we could defend each other! But Beast Boy had to do it alone. I should've been there with him and now the Titans don't understand anything. They must think we're crazy…"

_Then why didn't you go in there to help him?_

"I don't know!" I said, crying harder. "I- I don't know, I panicked, okay? I was panicking."

_And now you left him alone at the Tower. I'm guessing you wanna blame your panic again?_

I heard my name called before I sensed someone approaching. My head snapped up and I was surprised to see Starfire descending rather quickly from the sky. She was at my side in an instant and although she was relieved to have spotted me, her worry was still evident. I had made quite a scene back at the Tower so, naturally, _everyone_ was worried about me. I didn't think they could find me this fast though.

"How did you know I was here?" I asked her in between sobs.

"I had used the T-communicator to track your movements," she replied and I looked away, cursing myself for being so inconsiderate. "I understand if you do not wish to see me, but I believed you were in need of the comfort."

Starfire revealed a bundle in her arms which I hadn't noticed before. It was unfolded, shaken out in the breeze, and cast over my shoulders. I sunk deeper into my knees, thankful for the warmth of the blanket, and Starfire took this time to settle in the grass beside me. She wasn't demanding questions as I assumed she would but by her demeanor, I knew that she was patiently waiting for me to speak.

"You must think I'm so stupid," I lamented. "Running away again, like I _always_ do. _Crying_, like I _always_ do. You guys must be so mad at me and you must think I'm a liar and a traitor and some stupid child…"

"I do not think of you as such," Starfire said, almost perplexed that I would be saying those things.

"But I can tell you're heartbroken, Starfire. I can feel it. It must've been so hard for you to fly after me because you were so upset."

"That is _not _true. As soon as you had disappeared, I was determined to seek for you. I would have flown a distance greater than a journey to my homeworld to ensure your safety."

"Yeah, I knew you'd say that. This isn't the first time you've gone after me…"

Starfire nodded somberly. She waited just a while longer and when I couldn't take the silence, I began to weep again. The alien attempted to console me but I interrupted her.

"I asked him for it, okay?" I blurted. "I asked Beast Boy to tell me the truth because I felt like nobody was telling me anything. That's all I got from you guys‒lies, secrets. I felt so horrible because I knew it had something to do with me. I already feel so guilty and now it sounds like nobody wants me to learn about my amnesia. Beast Boy thinks I'd be happier without my memories! And as much as I want to trust you guys to know what's best for me‒that was proved so many times before‒I can't stop thinking about it."

"Friend Raven, I do wish for you to overcome this amnesia, but it was wrong of Beast Boy to speak of such to you."

"I know. And it's my fault that he did that."

"Please-"

"It was the one thing I asked for, Starfire. I _forced_ Beast Boy to tell me this. You don't understand: you're all mad at him for what he did but I didn't give him a choice! I was stubborn and I made it clear that I wanted to know, and you know what?" I faced the green-sclera alien and she looked to me, insisting that I continue. "As bad as it is, I don't regret it."

"You do not?"

"No. I don't. I do feel bad for being selfish; I pushed you guys so much sometimes so I could get some sort of answer, but this is what I wanted. I asked for this and I got it. And… I'm grateful. I'm so grateful that I know _something_, that I have _something_ to work with now. That could've been what I needed to get all my memory back. Maybe all along, I just needed something to hold onto. I needed hope that things could get better. For me and for everyone, especially since it seems like I'm the reason why things went bad in the first place."

"That could not be more false," she said sympathetically.

"I wish I could believe you…"

We both dropped our gazes. I didn't have anything else to say on the topic and neither did Starfire. We were both so worn from the earlier fright and we dreaded the discussion we would have when we get home. I wasn't looking forward to it at all and it gave me some reassurance that Starfire felt the same way.

In the darkness of the manicured meadow, I visibly shivered. The tangerine girl looked to me, frowned, and then rose to her feet.

"Dusk is approaching, Friend Raven, and the blanket is not sufficient for this nocturnal temperature. We must depart for our home…"

Starfire extended an orange hand towards me. She saw my hesitation, to which she promised me that I wouldn't need to talk to anyone when we head back to the Tower: she'd make everyone wait until morning, when we've all slept on it, before we have a team discussion. I sniffed once more and then, finally, I allowed her to pull me to my feet.

"You are able to levitate?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine," I told her.

"Then allow us depart immediately."

* * *

As soon as we came home, I thanked Starfire for helping me and then I hurried into my room, not wanting to be seen in this condition. I locked the door behind me, kicked my boots across the room, and threw my cape onto the floor. My T-communicator, which had been stashed into my brooch, bounced away from the mess I had created. Instead of changing out of my leotard, I simply climbed into my bed and submersed myself under the covers.

Around 10:30 pm, as I was beginning to snooze, I sensed someone approaching my door. My empathetic abilities weren't attuned enough to be accurate‒my Emoticlones still needed to be suppressed and that task was to be left for the morning‒so I couldn't tell who it was. The individual didn't even knock. They remained outside my door for a while, listening into my room for signs of life. I knew that they were just ensuring that I hadn't escaped again. Whether or not it was for their sake or mine, it didn't matter and it was no surprise to me. The Titans had to change so much to accomodate for my safety and this wasn't the first time they had done so either.

Eventually, the presence disembarked, their heavy footfalls fading down the hallway, and I was finally able to shut my eyes again.

Morning arrived and with it came a series of aches and pains. Although I had slept for over eight hours in total, it felt like I had barely slept at all. I woke up from a fitful dream and afterwards, I felt very unmotivated to get out of the bed. I would've tried fall back asleep too, but then my Emoticlones rebelled to get my attention and I had to meditate in order to subdue them.

As expected, Sloth was the easiest to suppress. Then it was Happy, Lust, Affection, Timid, Wisdom, and Brave. However, when I targeted Rude, she resisted. I attempted to suppress her again, focusing harder on that particular emotion, and the more she resisted, the more irritated I became.

I paused for a moment, blowing a strand of hair out of my flushed face. I could sense Rude smirking in Nevermore, to which I asked her if she was mad at me for something. Her response took me off guard.

_I'm not mad at you, Raven, but you're definitely mad at yourself._

"Well of course I am!" I exclaimed. "Wouldn't you?"

_Yeah, but at least I would try to do something about it, instead of sitting here and doing nothing about it…_

Satisfied with her words, Rude willing submit herself into me. Nevermore grew quiet so I lowered onto my bed, reflecting what my snarky Emoticlone had said. My capabilities had returned again after the meditation and because of that, I sensed Beast Boy nearby. I imagined how bad he must've felt last night being interrogated by Cyborg and Robin. I imagined how disappointed he must've been in me when he learned that I had heard part of it as well. I suddenly felt so guilty for what I had done, what I _hadn't_ done, and I realized how badly I needed to talk to him. Before we have a team discussion, I wanted to talk things out with Beast Boy first.

In a heartbeat, I was in the hallway, wearing the boots and the cape that I had discarded onto the floor last night. I didn't need to call his name because the green changeling saw me right away and he quickened his pace towards me. We met in the middle of the hallway and said each other's name at exactly the same time. Beast Boy laughed softly and I half-smiled: at least we were on the same page.

"I have to talk to you."

"Yeah, I was just heading over to get you too," he said.

"Can we talk somewhere private?" I asked. "Like on the roof?"

"Actually, I was wondering if we could go somewhere else. Just you and me."

"I really shouldn't, Beast Boy. I'm not in the mood for any kind of date and I-"

"No, it's not like that," he assured me. "I know a good place where we can go and be alone for a while. I don't know about you, but I need to get away from the Tower to let off some steam." I was about to protest some more, bringing up the topic of last night, to which Beast Boy replied, "Right now, the last thing I wanna talk about is what happened last night. We'll have plenty of time to do that later but I think it's more important we get some time alone first."

I was still a little unsure, mostly because I didn't want to get into anymore trouble than we were, but Beast Boy desperately pleaded with me. He genuinely thought that leaving the Tower would be good for us and after connecting to his mind, I learned that he wouldn't take "no" for an answer. I couldn't deny it any longer and I finally complied.

"Alright," he said. "C'mon. Let's get out of here."

A short flight later, Beast Boy and I arrived to a tall, brick building with large wooden doors, slightly ajar to welcome the incoming guests. It was a gorgeous Sunday morning and since it was still fairly early into the day, not many people were roaming the streets of Jump City. Despite this, I still felt uncomfortable with the location.

"Why are we at a church?" I asked, quite nervously.

"I don't normally do this," Beast Boy confessed a little sheepishly. "Yeah, I'm not the biggest believer in religion and all that, but I thought I could change it up for a bit. It might do us some good and people seem to do this when they have problems too."

"Beast Boy, I don't think I can go in there."

"I'm sure you can-"

"No! I'm a _demon_, remember?" I emphasized to him. "What happened between my mom and Trigon was anything but holy‒it was _sinful_‒and I'm the result of that. My own birth was a disgrace: I was only made to sacrificed. I shouldn't go in there, especially now when I'm guilty of so many things…"

The green changeling clearly understood what I was trying to explain, although I wasn't doing a very good job of it. Gingerly, he grasped my hand and gave it a squeeze. Then he leaned towards me and spoke in a low voice so others wouldn't hear.

"Raven, nobody is gonna judge you when you go in there; _He's _not gonna judge you when you go in there. Yeah, people come here to pray and be religious, but this is also a place where people come to clear their mind and get rid of their worries. I think we really need that now, with the Titans on our tails about us, don't you? Wouldn't you wanna relax for a bit? Get some peace and quiet?"

I ducked my head and stared at the ground, concentrating on Beast Boy's words. When I nodded in understanding, Beast Boy added, "And besides, if they _did_ judge us, they'll be so proud to see a hero like you walking in there."

I chuckled lightly and Beast Boy's lips pulled back into a genuine smile. I was still very hesitant to walk into the church but the look in his eyes told me that he never intended to upset me: Beast Boy was only trying to help in the way that he could. At last, I took a deep breath, clutched Beast Boy's arm, and gave him my consent. Together, we walked up the short flight of stone steps and passed through the massive doors to the church.

I had only been inside a church a few times‒the most recent being when Robin and I were hiding from Slade on my birthday‒but I had never been there with the intention to worship and pray. While I knew that gods existed, I didn't believe in one. I had learned about a wide variety of religions, creeds, and mythologies from the books in my library and there were just too many to count, and too many to pick from. It was difficult to believe that one god was superior to them all because nearly every religion believed theirs was superior. I just didn't know what to believe, let alone _who_ to believe in. And, even if did believe in one, would I still be accepted, despite my demonic inheritance?

Upon entering the religious sanctuary, the first thing we saw was a woman standing next to the door to greet visitors. Despite my hesitation, she simply looked to the both of us and smiled warmly. We continued on and my gaze lifted to the vaulted ceiling, admiring the windows that consumed the masonry walls. The multi-colored fragments of glass within these panes shattered the rays of sunlight into a brilliant display of spirituality. Flickering candles were placed all throughout the chamber as a secondary source of light and potted plants helped keep the air fresh and heavenly-scented. I winced when I saw the marble fountain of holy water. Although I could understand why pious individuals would find comfort in the sound of running water, I was sure that contact with it could harm me.

We walked down the aisle and about halfway to the altar, Beast Boy led me into an empty pew. We shuffled sideways for a few paces and once we were a respectable distance from the other guests nearby, Beast Boy and I knelt to the floor. Because mass wasn't in session, the church was mostly empty. In the corner of the room, a well-suited man was conducting a small band and a small choir. The faint music assisted the guests who wished to speak with their God.

"Beast Boy-"

"Shhh."

"I don't know what I should be doing," I whispered to him. "I told you, I'm not very religious, so I don't think it's a good idea for me to-"

"Don't think of it like that," he chided me. "We're just here to relax, remember? It's just like meditating, but you're also talking in your head."

I had a hard time understanding the purpose of this action. I had finished meditating not too long ago and I didn't feel any need to speak with my Emoticlones again. If anything, I wanted to be talking with Beast Boy but whenever I tried to bring it up, he would hush me.

"What should I say?" I asked.

"Tell God what you wanna tell me," answered the pea-green boy. "Tell Him how you feel, what's bothering you, stuff like that."

"But I'm not talking to anyone."

"Don't worry. He can hear you."

"He can?"

Beast Boy smiled and then he bowed his head, folding his hands and bringing it to his pursed lips. I hesitated before I mirrored him, closing my eyes rather fitfully. At first, I was really awkward on what I should be saying. When I first prayed in this traditional manner, my Emoticlones started to buzz among themselves in Nevermore. A few of them were claiming they felt uncomfortable and I had to mentally ask them to quiet down before I was able to try again.

I began my prayer with a little explanation. To God, I explained how thankful I was to be welcomed into His home. I knew that this religion was theorized to discriminate against abominations‒which I could be classified as‒and yet, I felt no hatred upon entering the church. There was a great diversity of people within these brick walls. Men, women, and children of all ages, colors, and orientations, sharing one common belief. They all came here for the same purpose and Beast Boy and I were doing the same. I thanked God for this, apologized for not praying sooner, and then I went on to talk about myself.

I told Him everything that I could think of: my amnesia, my relationship with Beast Boy, our betrayal to the Titans, and just about everything in between. I mentioned how complicated these things have become, with the lies and the cheating and the secrets that have yet to be revealed. It was quite a mess of and, to be honest, I had no idea if this God was disappointed in me. He's the all-seeing being so surely, if he exists, then he would know about what I had done, and what I should've done as well.

_I should've been there for Beast Boy,_ I had thought. _I should've done everything in my power to stand up for him. I should've taken matters into my own hands and told the Titans myself! I should've done that because then things wouldn't be like this! Maybe if I had insisted more, maybe if I had followed my instincts, things would be different. Maybe the Titans wouldn't be this mad if I had just owned up to my mistakes…_

I paused to recuperate myself. For some reason, I had the feeling that someone was listening to me. I imagined that God himself, whoever He may be, had heard everything that I had to say. Although He wasn't answering, I felt as though He showed great sympathy towards me. Nevermore had never felt more tranquil.

_I'll do the right thing, _I finished. _I promise: I'll change for the better._

I thank God once more and then I opened my eyes, my chest simultaneously swelling with a nervous breath. Beast Boy had finished praying a long time ago and I had been so submersed in my own prayer that I didn't even notice. He didn't seem to mind though: he had patiently waited, occupying himself by listening to the organ, and he smiled when I turned to face him.

"You feel a little better?"

"Yeah," I said. "I guess I do."

Beast Boy admitted to feeling the way as well.

Satisfied with ourselves, we exited the pew and headed to the door. The same woman we saw earlier folded her hands and said, "Peace be with you" to us. We reciprocated the action, thanked her politely, and walked out hand-in-hand.

* * *

"There you two are!"

The moment the green changeling and I entered the Main Ops room, we were surrounded by the unsupervised teenagers. Cyborg immediately began to reprimand Beast Boy for our disappearance, mentioning how he couldn't get a signal from our location. I assumed that Beast Boy had left his T-communicator in his bedroom, just as I had done, and Cyborg stressed to him the dangers of leaving the yellow device behind.

"Jeez, calm down, Cy," Beast Boy grumbled. "We wanted some alone time and we didn't want you following us."

"After what happened, that's the last thing you need."

Cyborg then turned to me. His eyes glanced down to where Beast Boy's hand was intertwined with mine and he adopted a softer appearance. Looking back, it seemed like Cyborg was relieved to see us together, though his concern was most important to express at that moment.

"Raven," he said. "I can't even begin to say how sorry we are."

"We shouldn't have said those things about you," Robin went on. "But you shouldn't have been listening either. Eavesdropping on us won't solve anything and this isn't the first time you've done this."

"I know," I answered bitterly. "I know and you're right. I shouldn't have been listening; I should've been in there talking with you guys."

This isn't what Robin had meant so he taken back. I used this opportunity to go on.

"Look: Robin, Cyborg, Starfire. There's a lot I've been meaning to tell you. I've been wanting to tell you guys about Beast Boy and I for a long time, but we weren't stalling it‒we were waiting for the right time. Beast Boy thought we should wait until the time was right so we didn't bring it up. It was only because we didn't want to worry you anymore."

"That's kind thinking, Raven," said Cyborg. "But we knew about you guys for some time."

"Then can I ask how? Robin?"

The masked boy shook his head, but it wasn't out of anger; "I knew it was coming," he admitted. "You know, you weren't always the best with your powers after the coma. You were using your powers before you even knew you had any. I guess Nevermore was too unstable to use and our connection was the next best thing."

"You heard my thoughts?"

"Yeah. It scared me. Sometimes I would hear you in the Infirmary, going crazy with the thought of not remembering anything. I had to rush in there a few times to make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself too!" Robin sighed. "You hated us, Raven. You thought we were your captors and you didn't trust us with anything. We even tried showing you things to help spark your memory, remember? It didn't seem to be helping…"

"And for that reason, Robin suggested that we wait for your memories to return naturally," said Starfire. "We all made the promise to not speak of such to you."

"It was the only thing I could think of," Robin explained. "I know you hated it so much and it pained us to watch you hate us for doing it too, but we thought that would be better. We didn't think you'd believe us anyway if we told you anything. We'd thought it'd make you hate us even more!"

I wasn't satisfied with the masked boy's answer. Even if he did hear my thoughts, how could he know about my relationship with Beast Boy, which was very recent? By then, I had surely trained enough to keep my thoughts to myself.

"What else?" I inquired.

Robin seemed to understand what I was asking.

"When I asked if you wanted to train with me, I didn't think you'd say yes. I knew you well enough to know you still didn't trust me‒I thought it would take another week to convince you‒but you _did_ say yes. You agreed to practice with me so quickly and you didn't stay true to your thoughts at all, about keeping a safe distance from us, about "not bonding" with us. Remember any of that?"

I was silent.

"You also knew about Slade," added Cyborg, to which Robin agreed.

"That doesn't prove anything."

"Well, you couldn't have gotten all that from eavesdropping on us, and I know you did that plenty of times. We just didn't know _at_ the time."

"So… what? Everyone assumed it was Beast Boy who told me these things and you went with it?"

"We were unsure of whether or not Beast Boy had any involvement," said Starfire hesitantly.

"But you _blamed_ him. You immediately thought it was Beast Boy and you blamed him. You didn't even have any solid proof!"

"But it's true, isn't it?" Robin countered. "Beast Boy...told you about it."

"Yeah! He did, but it's not _all_ his fault. You can't just blame him for everything! I'm actually grateful for what he did!"

"Grateful? For what?"

"Lay off of her, will ya?" Beast Boy shouted. "She's been through enough already so quit questioning her."

Cyborg, Robin, and Starfire were silenced and I intervened before Beast Boy could say anymore. My eyes thanked him for supporting me, but my silence insisted that it wasn't necessary‒I could take it from here. Beast Boy backed down without another word.

"I just felt like nobody wanted my memory to come back," I replied. "You guys weren't saying anything so I got the idea that you didn't want to help me. Yeah, you fed me and moved me back into my room and taught me so much, but I couldn't help but think that you wanted me to be like that‒this dumb, clueless person. I thought you guys didn't care if I remembered anything or not."

"Raven-"

"Even you, Beast Boy." I turned to him with somber eyes and his ears drooped a little. "I heard what you said last night. Even now, you still think I don't need my memory back."

Beast Boy recoiled at the mention of his words. The Titans were quiet as they watched us interact.

"When I said those things back there, I wasn't thinking straight. The only thing I wanted was for you to get better. You're amnesia took away so much and I wanted you to be happy again, to be _with_ me again. I wanted you to move on with your life, to be able to smile and laugh and be yourself again, and yeah, if that meant you'd never get your memories back then…" Beast Boy stopped himself, noticing that I was hurt. "You can still be happy, Raven. I know how much this means to you and I know you want your memories back, but a part of me thinks you'd be happier without it."

"I used to think that too," I murmured. "I tried running away so many times because I thought that would be best for me. Getting away from you guys meant I could move on, it meant that I wouldn't be there to burden anyone. My amnesia _is_ a burden. I'm still living with it."

"You never told us about what happened a few weeks ago," Robin said suddenly. "Raven, Starfire and I knew about you and Beast Boy, but we had no idea that you were gonna leave us for good. Yesterday was the first we heard of it."

"I was messed up, okay?" I cried. "I made a mistake and you were in a coma and it was all because of me. I didn't know what to do! I didn't think I could stay here anymore and I didn't think I could handle myself if you died because of me. You wouldn't be here if Cyborg and Starfire hadn't helped! I was completely useless and-"

My voice fell short. Starfire started to tear up at the memory of Robin completely inert in the gurney and she grabbed his arm. Robin held onto her tightly, assuring that she was okay and that _he_ was okay too. The green-sclera alien sniffed as she tried to calm herself.

"I thought running away was the best thing for me," I went on. "That it was the best thing for all of you. I was hopeless, alright? It's true: I was so hopeless with my amnesia, with all of you, with my own _life,_ that I didn't think it could get any worse. So… I packed up my things and I decided I should leave. I don't know where I would've gone or what would've happened to me, but Beast Boy is why I'm still here. If it weren't for him, I probably never would've seen you guys again."

"What did he Beast Boy do?" asked Starfire.

"He told me what I wanted to hear," I said as simply as I could put it. "He told me that something happened, something bad, and that it was because I was kidnapped by Slade. I know he betrayed you guys by telling me these things, but would you rather have Beast Boy not betray you and have me gone instead, off to Azar-knows-where?"

The Titans didn't answer me. I squeezed Beast Boy's hand and he winced. He looked really embarrassed and who wouldn't be? But it was my turn to talk. I needed to be the one to explain everything.

"Maybe it wasn't what I needed to hear, but I decided to stay because of it. If Beast Boy hadn't done that… I don't know. I wouldn't have lasted long, and I asked him for it too. Beast Boy didn't tell me all of this because he _wanted_ to. He was _forced_ to because of me, because I was trying to run away. Beast Boy did everything in his power to bring me back home and tell me the truth did it. You can't blame Beast Boy for it; I was the one that pushed him and I got what I deserve."

"Are you really grateful for this?" Cyborg asked me. "I mean, are you _really_ grateful for knowing the truth? We kept it from you because, well, better safe than sorry, but is knowing about it now really worth it?"

"I used to think this was what I wanted," I answered earnestly. "I used to think running away was the answer, but I was wrong. I know that now. I can't run away from my problems, from who I am, from what I've done. There were better things I should've done instead. I know you guys want to protect me too. Especially you, Beast Boy, but… I needed to know this. I needed to know _something_ about who I was, about what I'm fighting to remember. I want to be here with you guys and I want my memory back, that's all I can ask for and if I do stay, I'm sure things will turn out as they should."

Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg seemed really happy with my argument. They didn't question me anymore about it, though they were interested to know about how Beast Boy and I tried to hide it.

"So, I'm guessing the rest is history then?" asked Cyborg. "You two became a thing again, huh?"

I nodded firmly, a faint blush on my cheeks. "Yeah. It was a lot of sneaking around and trying not to be alone together for too long. Beast Boy and I didn't want to bother any of you and we didn't want anyone to notice so I actually ended up trying to spent more time with all of you too."

Starfire had been quiet for quite some time, but when I mentioned how Beast Boy and I managed to hide our relationship, she spoke up.

"I remember when you asked if we could do the _hanging out_ together," she remorse. "I believe it had been the first instance when you had called me your friend. You… only did this because Beast Boy had told you to do so?"

"Starfire, wait-"

"You only wished to do the _hanging out_ with us so we would not notice the time you spend with Beast Boy?"

I deeply sighed. Starfire obviously looked distressed and Robin attempted to hush her cries, which proved to be difficult. Not knowing what else to do, I released Beast Boy's hand, stepped forward, and took both of Starfire's orange hands. I waited for her to look up at me before I spoke.

"I wasn't pretending to like you, Starfire. I really liked spending time with you. I had so much fun at the mall and the dresses you bought were so pretty. I was so thankful for that, and yeah, none of it would've happened if Beast Boy hadn't insisted for me to do so, but that doesn't mean I only did it for him. I did it because I really thought of you as my friend and I'm so happy that I got to do those things."

"I- I understand," she said timidly. "I only wished for us to be the friends again."

"And we are, Starfire. We _are_ friends, all of us!" I released her hands and turned to the rest of the Titans. "After everything you've done for me, how can I not think of you as my friends? You've fed me, cleaned me, taught me everything I know. We played games and hung out in the city, and you took me onto missions! Not many of them turned out the way we wanted," I added, to which the other Titans chuckled. "But it helped me become who I am today… And, that goes for Beast Boy too. After everything he's done for me, how can I not love him?"

Everyone looked to me with questioning eyes and I looked to Beast Boy. He lifted his gaze to meet mine and his ears perked up just slightly.

"Ever since I've became closer to everyone, I've been feeling much better about myself, but being with Beast Boy is the best thing that has happened to me. I feel more confident in what I can do, with controlling my powers and my emotions. It's because of Beast Boy that I finally met Lust too! Did you know that? This relationship that Beast Boy and I have has done so much for me. It's been hell going through it, but it's proving that we can do anything together, that things _can_ work out for us."

I placed myself at Beast Boy's side again and I grabbed his gloved hand, solidifying my statement.

"The only thing I'm asking is for you guys to understand. I _do_ love Beast Boy, and he didn't do anything to change me, nothing more than what you guys did. We're going to stay together and we know that, whatever happens, we'll be happy. As long as we have each other, my amnesia is as good as gone."

Everyone was in a state of shock. They exchanged looks among themselves, eyebrows raised in curiosity and lips turned up into tiny smiles. I faced the green changeling, seeking for approval, and he looked to me with so much pride and respect. Beast Boy was practically glowing with happiness and I mirrored his expression.

"I know what's it like to love someone," Robin said, breaking up the chatter. "I know how far someone is willing to go to keep that person safe, to keep them close to you." Starfire nuzzled into the masked boy and he turned into her. She closed her eyes as Robin planted a soft kiss on her forehead. Everyone else watched with heavy hearts. "Raven, the only thing we want is for you to be happy and if you think this is the way to go, then who are we to stand in the way?"

"You and BB were always meant to be with each other anyway," Cyborg joked but he spoke in a serious tone. "It was only a matter of time before you remembered."

"So… you dudes are okay with it?" asked Beast Boy, already becoming excited.

"Of course," answered Starfire. "But you must remember: the relationship must not interfere with the duties of a Titan."

"As if _that_ never happened…"

"Can it, Grass Stain," Cyborg muttered. "Bee knows I'm sorry and besides, she was kissing me too!"

"Should I pass that along to her?" Robin offered playfully.

"You better not unless you want that spiky-hair of yours being flattened!"

Cyborg reached out to jostle his hair but the masked boy swatted the cybernetic hand away. He then checked to make sure it was still properly shaped, to which Starfire giggled. While Robin stressed to Cyborg why his hair should never be messed with, Beast Boy and I stopped to gaze into each other's eyes.

It was finally over.

The fear that Beast Boy once had about the Titans learning the truth had vanished. For once, I was able to speak my mind to the Titans without hearing any lies or the mention of secrets. And best of all, they understood us. It wasn't easy to explain, but the Titans, my _friends_, were able to put the past aside and look forward to a new future.

They were able to accept a big change, but they were well-aware of how I thought about it and to me, that's what made me most happy.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Thanks again for reading! Again, I'm sorry about the wait. These past few weeks, I've been editing and replacing a few chapters, which might explain why people would get alerts, so I'm sorry about that too. _Amnesia_ still needs a lot of work and this chapter was another biggie (Who knows? I might need to revise this chapter later too!) Anyways, I appreciate the patience and I hope it was to everyone's liking :) I just have one more thing to say...

I've been writing _Amnesia_ for almost two years now. Two. Whole. Years! Add the amount of time I started planning it and that would add up to about 2½ years. I think I've done okay with the consistency of this story but as this story grows, it will only get more difficult to write and tie up the loose ends and so on. I, myself, haven't read this monster in some time, especially Book One, and I figured that the best way for me to make sure this story is flowing the way it's supposed to is to either have a beta reader or advice from the readers themselves.

Now, if anyone is able to help me out, this doesn't mean I'll spoil the whole story for you (it will remain a secret until that chapter ready to be published) but I do have a few questions that I think only readers could answer for me. This is just to make sure that _Amnesia_ is as accurate as I can make it and that I'm writing _Amnesia_ as I had dreamed for it to be.

So, if you're interested in helping me out, send a PM and I'll get back to you with the questions. Having multiple people answer them would be awesome and it will ensure that _Amnesia_ can be written to the best it can be. Also, if you have any suggestions, requests, or ideas about _Amnesia_, feel free to leave me a review! I always appreciate it and from now on, I'll try my best to reply to your comments in my Author's Note! Shout out to **Allen Blaster** for the idea! :):)

Thank you so much for the support and I'll be back soon with the next update. Goodbye!


	46. Change Starts at Home

**Author's Note:** Hi everybody. I'm so sorry about this delay. This is totally unacceptable of me. I had this huge Spanish presentation and sports responsibilities and band stuff and not to mention all of my other homework so I was booked solid. I'm really sorry about that and I feel horrible, and because of that, I posted a little earlier than I normally would. You guys absolutely deserve it :) And now a few comments...

**fantasychild9:** Thank you so much for the review! I don't think I would've caught that until I was doing my last run-through, so thank you for letting me know! I was finally able to fix it last weekend too :)

**JasonVUK:** I never get tired of reading your comments! Lol thanks again and please take a moment to breathe if you need it XD

**sliceshadow:** Hi! It's nice to meet you! Thank you so much for offering to answer a few questions for me and I'm overjoyed by your responses :) I hope we can talk again soon!

**Allen Blaster:** It's always nice to talk with you, Adam! I appreciate your input and I'm glad to hear you're loving my story. I wish all the best for your two stories as well and I'm excited to read on! And you must be really good at predicting things…

Alright! That's all I have to say for now! Onward to Chapter 46!

**A Previous Summary:** Distressed by overhearing the Titans talk about her, Raven flees to the park to be alone. As she cries, a worried Starfire finds her and convinces her to come home, knowing how badly she must've felt. Raven slept fitfully that night and the next day, she has a little trouble suppressing her emotions. It is no surprise to her that Rude have her to most trouble. When Raven goes to talk to Beast Boy, they end up going to a church in Jump City to pray. Raven is hesitant because she doesn't think she's worthy of a religious sanctuary, but she ultimately complies when the green changeling insists. Raven prays for the first time, feeling very awkward about it, but both she and Beast Boy feel better about themselves. Raven feels ready to address the situation at last.

Back at the Tower, all of the Titans gather to discuss what had happened. It's clear to Robin, Cyborg, and Starfire that Raven and Beast Boy had been dating in secret and they speculate that the only reason why they were is because of the secret. They're hurt that they couldn't protect Raven from learning the truth by herself but Raven takes it upon herself to explain their relationship. She loves Beast Boy and Beast Boy loves her; she doesn't want anything to come between her relationship with Beast Boy or her friendship with the Titans and, their surprise, the Titans thoroughly agree. Now, it's official: Raven and Beast Boy are permitted to be together and it seems like nothing could ruin their happiness.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 46: _Change Starts at Home_

The team discussion ended with smiles and laughter. The stress and the anxiety that I felt had disappeared and everyone, especially Beast Boy and I, was content to have finally addressed the elephant in the room. In simplest terms, everyone was elated.

Because nobody had a chance to eat all day, Cyborg decided to make an early lunch, claiming that if he went any longer without food, he'd go into a coma: you could imagine how Beast Boy reacted to that comment. The meal turned into a team effort as everyone helped to prepare the food. In less than an hour, we had a hearty plate of Sloppy Joes and homemade french fries, as well as a tofu burger to satisfy the likes of a certain green-skinned boy.

We had a family-style meal at the table. While it didn't take long to actually finish the food, we stayed there a little longer so we could talk. Even though everyone was content with the team discussion, Cyborg kept teasing Beast Boy and our relationship. Starfire was supportive of us and she scolded Cyborg for being rude, but she also wouldn't stop babbling about how her relationship with Robin had changed as did mine with Beast Boy. I felt pretty awkward during the lunch, though it wasn't all because of the playful banter. I was very happy to have everything work out but I still had matters that I needed to settle.

After the meal, once I had completed my share of chores, I asked to speak to Robin one more time. When I expressed my concern for Slade, he immediately agreed to elaborate on it.

"I'm sure you know some stuff about him."

"Not enough," I deadpanned. Robin started to explain why he couldn't tell me everything about Slade so I said, "Just tell me what I should know. I'll figure out the rest."

He couldn't tell me as much as I would've liked, which didn't surprise me, but it was still satisfying to know that I was hearing the truth. Slade is responsible for this. He was tied to everything that had happened and the Titans knew that if he hadn't been there, then my amnesia never would have existed.

The Titans didn't understand how exactly. The masked boy was trying to explain it, but even he seemed confused. He didn't understand Slade's motive or his tactic to go after me. The kidnapping was unexpected, he mentioned, and they didn't know how or why Slade did what he did, but it ultimately caused my amnesia. Because of this, Slade needed to be found again and brought to justice.

The only difference now is that the Titans aren't working alone: they have me, as well.

"I'm sure that once you get better from this, we'll be able to figure out what Slade was doing together. We'll find him and we'll end him, once and for all. He won't ever get to you again."

"Thanks, Robin. I'm sure it'll all work out too."

As I turned to walk away, Robin called out to me. He was still very guilty‒I could sense the moral debate in his mind‒but he apologized about how he couldn't tell me anything else. He promised me that knowing about Slade is _way_ different than knowing about my past relationship with Beast Boy, and this _had_ to be keep a secret. Robin didn't want to tell me anything else about Slade, not even his own suspicions to why I was kidnapped. There was no way around it. But Robin also promised me that my amnesia will only get better; with Beast Boy and all the other Titans by my side, he believed I would have nothing to worry about.

For a while, I believed it too.

It was towards the end of the day when I finally got an opportunity to speak with Beast Boy. He was just emerging from Cyborg's room, undoubtedly being lectured again about "house rules" for being in a relationship with a fellow teammate, when we stumbled upon each other in the hallway. His eyes spotted me immediately and they widened, as did the smile on his face. Words couldn't express what we were feeling.

Beast Boy was so grateful to have everything turn out as he had hoped for‒even _better_ than he had hoped for‒and now he was ecstatic about our relationship. For me, though, I was mostly relieved. A massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I could finally move around on my own again, feeling much stronger and more confident than I was before. It was as if my Emoticlones had suppressed _me_ instead. I wasn't worried about which emotion I was showing because they all seemed to work in perfect unison.

We were both so excited to see each other that we smooched in the hallway, no longer afraid to meet in secret. Beast Boy held my face in his gloved hands and he peered into my amethyst eyes. He was almost too giddy to speak.

"You did it!" he cried. "I can't believe you did it!"

"We did it," I replied, laughing in return. "None of this would've happened if you weren't there for me."

"Like I'd ever leave you behind again…"

Beast Boy embraced me tightly and I sighed into him. Now that the Titans knew about us, we didn't need to lie and sneak away from everybody so we could interact. Beast Boy and I were free to be together as much as we desired, and it was all because we finally decided to expose our secret relationship with the Titans. For once, I was proud of myself for trusting my instincts and, recollecting the memory with Beast Boy, we both had faith that only good could come out of it.

We just had yet to understand how this little change could impact us all.

The celebration was concluded with another kiss and then we went our separate ways. It was fairly early into the evening but I retired to my bedroom for the night because I was determined to catch up with the entries in my journal. A lot of things had happened in a short span of time and knowing that my amnesia was still in effect, I feared a scenario of forgetting it all before I had a chance to record it. And so, as sunlight diminished and moonlight prospered outside my window, I filled many, many pages in my journal until my eyes couldn't stay open any longer.

The next day, I had an uncomfortable feeling of _déjà vu_. I woke up to a strange sensation in my head, which I quickly diagnosed as a problem in Nevermore. However, as I was preparing to meditate, a voice beckoned me to calm down. I didn't understand it at first, but hearing an Emoticlone talk to me was enough to get me to stop moving.

Then, to my astonishment, the problem resolved itself. I naturally fell back into the bed as the pain in my head subsided without

"Calm?" was the first word out of my mouth.

_There is no need to meditate, Raven. It is all under control._

It was difficult to understand what was happening at first because as Calm spoke to me, I got very excited. That was the _first_ time I was directly talking to her, an Emoticlone that I had lost nearly all contact with. Although she had been a part of me this whole time, I had never met her‒at least, I didn't remember meeting her. We had been separated by my amnesia and I had lived for quite some time without her input, but hearing her voice was enough to make me emotional. After I consumed my shock, I quickly gathered my senses and I declared that I was ready to listen.

Calm didn't have any new knowledge for me, as I had expected, though her words were enlightening. She told a similar story to that of Lust: she didn't remember how or why, but she had been existing on the outskirts of Nevermore for a long time. It was nearly impossible to contact anyone and the only time she could heal herself was when I experienced her emotion‒this was a very rare occurrence. Wisdom theorized that coming out with the truth gave Calm the power she needed to make contact with us again. With Calm confiding in me from within the depths of Nevermore, I didn't think I could be more at peace.

Everything was going so well, almost _too_ well to be true! Beast Boy and I were free to be ourselves, Calm had become one with me, and even Lust seemed to be more attuned as well.

This was definitely information worthy to be shared.

I was banging on Beast Boy's door a couple minutes later. This obviously wasn't the best time to disturb an adolescent, especially one that was infamous for being cranky in the morning, but I continued on, my knocks insisting that it was important. After the sounds of rustling bedsheets, a depleted sigh, and the flurry of footsteps, the door finally slid open.

Beast Boy was caught off-guard to see me and I was startled by him too. His hair was completely disheveled and his uniform was improperly fitted, as if he had simply pulled it on to answer the door. Lust was already considering this and I had to mentally dismiss her.

Noticing the way I was looking at him, the green changeling leaned against the doorway and crossed his arms.

"Can I help you?" he asked sarcastically.

"No, but it looks like your hair could use some help," I droned in return.

Beast Boy ran a hand through his shaggy coiffure but it did nothing to tame it. With a smile, I reached over and flicked his hair out of the way so it wasn't covering his face. Beast Boy winked at me with his now-visible eyes and I chuckled.

"So are you gonna kiss me or did I just get up early for nothing?"

"I didn't come here to kiss you." Beast Boy reacted in mock offense, to which I intoned, "But if you listen to me talk and pretend that you care, you might get a little something in return…"

There was no need to mention anything else. The green changeling stepped aside and said, "C'mon in."

Inside Beast Boy's bedroom, I told him everything that had happened since we last saw each other: the entries in my journal, a good night's rest, and ultimately Calm's reappearance. Voices in Nevermore squealed when Beast Boy expressed his happiness for me. He was thrilled to hear about the new addition, but he did seem concerned. Beast Boy was all too familiar with what could happen if either of these separated emotions gained control of me.

"Don't worry about them," I had told him. "All of me Emoticlones draw power from me when I experience them, and I draw power from them too. It got out of hand because Lust wasn't exactly in my control, and add Affection to the equation and there was nothing I could do. But now I know. I just need that balance to keep them and myself from overdoing it. With Lust and Calm part of Nevermore again, it'll be much easier to suppress them, and utilize them."

"I did notice how different you were," he replied. "You weren't exactly the _calm_ and _swooning_ girl that I remembered."

"You and me both. In all seriousness though, I'm sorry I woke you up so early. I'm just so happy to have another Emoticlone and I guess I got caught in all the excitement."

"Nah, don't apologize for anything. I'm really happy for you, Raven."

"Thank you."

I looked down at my hands in my lap. We were both sitting on Beast Boy's bed together‒he had cleared a spot for us first because there was so much garbage‒and then it got really quiet between us. I thought about thanking him again before leaving, but Beast Boy had a question for me.

"Well," he went on. "Since you're here, can I interest you in a date?"

"Another date, huh?" I asked.

"Yeah! I've been meaning to take you to this really depressing cafe, but I'm sure you'd love it! Or maybe we can go look for some books at the store?"

Beast Boy's offer was too adorable to dismiss, however, I had no interest in leaving the Tower. I reminded myself that I _did_ promise him something and I didn't want to send Beast Boy the wrong signals. With that, I blurted the only thing I could think of.

"Why don't we just spend time together here?"

"Here?" Beast Boy repeated, very unsure if he heard me clearly.

"Yeah. I mean, we don't have to hide it anymore. We don't need to sneak away or act differently; we can just be ourselves! It shouldn't be _that_ big of a deal, right?"

"I never thought you were the type to show things off," he drawled.

"And I'm not," I confirmed. "But as embarrassing as it would be, I want to show the Titans that we're serious about our relationship. Nothing is going to change between us and I want to prove to them that we're not just a couple of lovebirds-"

"Well..."

"Don't say it," I warned him.

"Well you're _Raven_…"

"Beast Boy."

"...and I can turn _into _a raven…"

"Don't…"

"So, technically…"

"Okay okay I get it! We _really_ are birds and we _really_ are in love! You happy now?"

Beast Boy laughed and I rolled my eyes, frustrated at how easily he could make me blush. It wasn't very funny in my opinion, but I laughed too, only because I wanted to pretend I wasn't embarrassed about the smallest of things. When it got quiet between us again, Beast Boy attempted to console me. He seemed very proud of my suggestion, even if the date wasn't what he imagined it would be.

"Hey, you know, I think you're onto something. We'll hang out here today if you wanna, but one of these days, you hafta lemme take you out on a date again‒a _real_ date. It's the least I could do."

"Fair enough," I responded.

"So, uh, what did you wanna do here anyway?"

"I had a few ideas in mind…"

* * *

Crime had taken a break in Jump City. There were no robberies, no terroristic threats; there wasn't even a report about seeing a major villain in public. With that being said, there was no reason for any calls come in that day, which meant all of the Titans were present in the Tower.

All of the Titans were here to witness us, just like I had hoped they would.

I knew that telling the Titans about our relationship would lead to speculations. After all, when Beast Boy had been talking about it to Cyborg, his first thought was that Beast Boy had told me the secret so that I would date him. He thought I didn't really like Beast Boy and I was only dating him because he convinced me to do so, but that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I _loved_ Beast Boy and I still do. It was because of me that we ended up together anyway; he never would've done that on his own. If anything, Beast Boy was the one that seemed hesitant to pursue another relationship. If anything, Beast Boy was more concerned about my amnesia impacting our relationship than I was, but this only showed me how much he cared, how much he didn't trust himself with me. Beast Boy had moved past this and he trusted himself more with me, but now face the same ordeal with the Titans.

That was going to change. _Everything_ was going to change. Beast Boy and I will remain together, as long as our nature and well-being permits it, and although the Titans are aware of this, I wanted to prove it to them as well. It would be the only way to show the severity of our relationship.

They all had different reactions to seeing us together though. Robin happened to come upon us while we were cooking in the kitchen. He tried not to stare too much but when I did catch him, he smiled brightly and I did the same. Robin didn't want to bother us, but when Starfire saw us, she just wouldn't stop gushing over how "precious" we looked together. She would've talked to us longer if Robin hadn't intervened and asked if she was free to do some training in the Gym. Cyborg was a little more annoying to deal with and he was well-aware of that. We saw him on several occasions and each time, he struck up a conversation with us. It wouldn't have been as bad if only Cyborg didn't start talking about his experiences with Bumblebee and his list of "what-and-what-not-to-do-while-dating-a-Teen-Titan."

I almost regretted asking the green changeling for the stay-at-home date when Beast Boy had to ask Cyborg to leave us alone for a third time, but I reminded myself that it was for the better. If we kept sneaking around, hiding our relationship in the shadows, we wouldn't be taken seriously by anyone. Now, this was no excuse to act like love-birds either, but we just needed to prove to them that we were comfortable about each other and that there was no reason to treat us any differently.

We were friends, we were lovers, we were Titans. We were together and that is all that should've mattered.

As time wore on, Beast Boy and I actually had some trouble coming up with other activities to do. We had baked a vegetarian dessert, watched a movie, read to each other, played video games, and even cuddled on the couch for a midday nap. We were doing everything we could to pass the time but it didn't seem like anything was working. I knew dates were supposed to be fun and entertaining, which it was, but aren't you supposed to feel comfortable on dates too? While we were enjoying ourselves doing the things we liked to do, it didn't feel right. Beast Boy and I were still awkward around each other and I was practically blushing the whole time.

To me, it felt like we were kidding ourselves; it felt like everything was staged and we were just following the motions.

It should never be like that between couples.

Eventually, wanting to escape the wandering eyes of our friends, Beast Boy and I decided to do the only other thing we could think of: a one-on-one game of Stink Ball. We headed to the roof and began to play in the cool, mid-afternoon air. It was nothing physically-demanding at first. Beast Boy and I simply tossed the ball back-and-forth, not necessarily trying to score a point. We mostly just goofed around by showing off how well we could rally the ball, but then, about twenty minutes into playing, Beast Boy accidentally aimed too close for me and I had to duck out of the way. He apologized like crazy until he saw the deadly look in my eyes.

That's when it really became competitive.

The rules were established, the boundaries were set, and the mashed-up ball of socks took off. In no time, our scores went up into the thirties, the forties, the fifties. We were playing with more intensity to overpower each other, more determination to outsmart each other. I was getting increasingly frustrated because as we played, I noticed how my powers started to diminish in strength. Once, while I was trying to block one of Beast Boy's shots, my dark energy was so weak that the ball broke right through it and landed on my side of the court. Another point was tallied for Beast Boy.

Before I even knew what I was doing, the ball was encased in my dark energy and thrown with such velocity that it was practically dismantled in the air. It whizzed above Beast Boy's head, flew across the court, and caught a breeze as it left the roof of Titans Tower. The ball plummeted into the ocean and all that remained were a few stray articles of clothing to prove its existence.

Realizing what I had done, I ran my hands over my face and knelt to the ground. Beast Boy jogged across the court, alarmed by the sudden action, but he didn't intervene. He quietly watched as I laid myself onto my back and stared up at the sky, too exhausted to do much else. It wasn't long before Beast Boy joined me by my side.

Together, we silently observed the sky. The weather was mostly clear with a chance of rain later into the afternoon, so clouds frequently passed overhead. They seemed so close that when I lifted my hand, it felt like I could almost touch it. I sensed Beast Boy shift as my fingers outlined the surrounding clouds. I knew he wanted to say something so I decided to speak first.

"I just don't understand how things between us can change so quickly…"

Beast Boy looked to me and I shut my eyes, letting my hand rest on my stomach. I couldn't bear the sight of Beast Boy's face because I knew he was aware of how I felt; he knew I wasn't happy about how things were going and yet, he didn't mention it to me.

"You're blushing again..."

With a defeated groan, I covered my eyes with my hands. Beast Boy simply watched while I whined about how stupid I must've looked.

"Am I just _that_ embarrassing to be around?" he asked.

"No!" I pleaded urgently. "Beast Boy, I swear, it's not you. I'm not embarrassed _because_ of you, I'm just-"

"I'm kidding, Rae. It's okay."

"I swear it's not you."

"Alright," he chuckled. "I believe you… Even though I'd understand why…"

"What makes you say that?"

Beast Boy wiggled his eyebrows and whispered, "I'm _devilishly_ handsome."

It wasn't the joke that really got me. There was nothing humorous about what he had said, but after his response, I was left giving him a dumbfounded look. The prolonged awkwardness that ensued is what truly made me laugh.

At first, Beast Boy didn't know how to react to my outburst. He stared at me, almost in disbelief, as I laughed hysterically on my back. I was embarrassed but I didn't care; it only made it funnier! I cackled until my stomach hurt and I was too breathless to speak. I looked straight into the sky, braving the rays of sunlight and the salty breezes, which helped soothe my inflamed cheeks. Then, very slowly, I reached for Beast Boy's gloved hand.

I sensed him smile and he gripped me tightly in return. Beast Boy sighed and I smiled harder, feeling much better than I had moments ago. All of that anger, all of that frustration, had been vented and all I had to do was laugh‒the best kind of medicine.

_This is it,_ I thought to myself. _This is what I wanted all along._

I could do a number of things with Beast Boy: we could go shopping together, eat at a restaurant, fight crime, kiss each other in bed, and while these things could bring us closer, it won't necessarily sustain a relationship. The point of dating is not doing activities to keep the relationship interesting; it's to understand your partner better, to have fun with _them _and not with what you're _doing_ with them. It's the small things‒the _spontaneous_ things‒that will bring us even closer, that will show us the true sides of one another.

This one, little moment brought me closer to Beast Boy than I thought it would. I still remember it to this day, a memory that is so important, so worthy, that it is being included in here. It may seem funny but I learned more about love in this little moment than I had being with Beast Boy this entire time.

* * *

**Author's Note:** As always, thank you for reading. I'm sorry again about the long delay but I'm not sure if I'll be able to post again in another 2 weeks. Next weekend, Saturday February 20th will be my birthday and it also happens that my school's Turnabout will be on that same day too. I'll be going to the dance with a guy that I really like and it's a really special night so I'm not sure if I'll have time to write very much…

But I'll be working hard to find time whenever I can! It's not for sure, but please understand if I'm unable to post again.

Trust me; I want to get back on schedule too.

Also, if you're still interested, send me a PM and see how you can help with _Amnesia_ by answering a few questions. **sliceshadow** did this for me and I know it's going to be very helpful as I continue to write _Amnesia_. I'll be sure to thank you in my next Author's Note too! And if you have suggestions, requests, or ideas for _Amnesia_, comments are just as wonderful and I'll be replying to them in my Author's Notes from now on (thank **Allen Blaster** for the idea).

That's all for now! I'll be back as soon as I can :) Have a happy Valentine's Day (especially to all you single ladies and single fellas) and happy reading!


	47. Monsters of Black and White

**Author's Note: **Hi everybody! Again, I'm sorry about this delay. So much has been happening and so many things have been pushed back; you wouldn't believe everything I'm going through, so I made a promise to not let this slip by me again, only if it's absolutely necessary. I don't want to delay this story or any of my readers any longer because I'll never reach my goals if I keep them delayed. In addition, this chapter won't not as long as they usually are, but please don't be upset! The next few chapters are going to be fun to write, and fun to read, so stay tuned! I'll get us back on track in no time :)

And now for the comments:

**Allen Blaster: **Yup! Another Emoticlone to add to the mix, and I'm glad you liked the fluff! It's nice to get the chance to put cute moments like those because a majority of this story is action and drama and all of these things put into one! Speaking of drama, you're definitely right about Rage. It's about time Raven faces the one who is behind it all…

**Tactus501st:** Thank you for the kind words! I'm glad you're enjoying the story! :)

**sliceshadow:** Hello again! Thank you for the birthday wishes! Yes, I did enjoy myself at the dance and it was probably one of the best days of my life. I also really appreciate your help. Once again, thank you so much for answering those questions for me. It will definitely be beneficial in the future :)

**holly0225:** I really liked the lovebird part too :) I was smiling so hard when I wrote it so I'm glad you liked it! And also, happy late 22nd birthday! I hope you had just as much fun as I did!

**Santoramon:** I'm really happy to see you finding the different meanings to _Amnesia._ (Maybe you found the motifs?) You've had some good advice for me and my story. I'm excited to write these next few chapters and I can't wait for you to read on. I hope you enjoy this next chapter too!

**JasonUVK:** I'm not sure. Do _you _think everything is okay? Read on and find out :)

And that's about it! It's best not to delay this any longer. Go on and get reading!

**A Previous Summary:** After the team discussion, Raven and Beast Boy feel much more united not only with the Titans, but with each other as well. Raven is so relieved to tell the truth that she wakes up to discover Calm, another Emoticlone that had been separated due to her amnesia. She is so happy that when she tells Beast Boy, they decide to spend the rest of the day together, like a date except Raven insists on conducting it at home. They do this as a way to establish their relationship to the Titans, to be sure that they're taken seriously, and the Titans accept them wholeheartedly. However, Raven feels different. It was her idea to have the date at the Tower but Raven felt like everything between them was staged and fake. She wondered for a moment if she was acting like this because of the Titans, which made her feel weird, but Beast Boy made Raven laugh. She then realized that she didn't need to act or behave a certain way now that the truth was out. She and Beast Boy loved each other and nothing needed to change to make sure everyone knew this.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 47: Monsters of Black and White

A few days later, the news about Beast Boy and I had began to take effect. It wasn't necessarily ignored‒there was still a sense of awkwardness whenever we were seen together‒but the Titans were more than accepting of it.

Cyborg liked to joke about our relationship, nothing that was too offensive, and Starfire wanted to talk about it every now and then. I did get the opportunity to speak with her in private, as Cyborg had done with Beast Boy. To my relief, it had nothing to do with responsibility and abstinence, sparing me the embarrassment of discussing sexual intercourse. It actually had more to do with the outcome of this renewed relationship.

Starfire trusted Beast Boy and I to follow the "Rule of Gold" as she had referred to it. We were deeply in love, perhaps even infatuated, but this didn't necessarily mean we were meant to be together forever. Anything could happen along the way: another incident, another case of amnesia. Something could come between Beast Boy and I and the green-sclera alien wanted to remind me that even if such did occur, it would be no excuse to disband the Titans.

Our relationship can't interfere with our duty. If we do break up, we would have to accept it, move on, and learn to get along as friends. That's the risk we're taking: if things never work out between Beast Boy and I, it would become more of a problem than it is now, and that worried me.

_Could we actually break up? _I had thought. _Could I actually handle a breakup like that? Would things ever be the same between us if this relationship doesn't work?_

And, in truth, I didn't think any of this would work. I feel awkward enough being his girlfriend so being his ex-girlfriend sounds like hell. I could only pray that nature would pity our fates. All I ever wanted is happiness, in one form or the other. If that means Beast Boy and I would have to split, then I'd do it, for the sake of his happiness and mine. But we _were_ happy together. I shouldn't have had to worry about it because at that time, Beast Boy made me happier than I could even remember.

If anything, breaking up would cause our unhappiness.

It was another quiet weekday and for that past hour, I had been resting on the semi-circular couch in the Main Ops room with my Book of Azar. Since I was spending a lot more time with Beast Boy, I was actually thankful for the solitude. We had done a lot of things together, from cooking meals, watching movies, reading to each other in the solstice of my bedroom, and playing video games in the Main Ops room. Over time, the hype for our relationship had decreased and we settled into a routine, learning to cope with each other in an everyday fashion, as Starfire did with Robin. It's easier said than done because I was still very flustered around him, but giving myself some time for peace and quiet was a step in the right direction.

While I had been reading the mystical text, I was frightened when the alarm system started to go off. A crimson light flashed throughout the entire room as an annoying buzzer sounded each time it appeared. I bookmarked the last page I was on and looked over my shoulder: none of the other Titans were present.

I began to panic because I didn't know what to do. I thought about waiting until another team member could respond to the call but the alarm really frightened me. It seemed to be urgent and I feared the possibility of ignoring an important call for help so with that in mind, I jumped to my feet and hurried over to the computer. Not sure what exactly to do, I clicked a few buttons on the keyboard and I sighed when the projector turned on. The alarm ceased and the room automatically darkened so I could see the screen properly.

"Hey, Rob- Raven? Is that you?"

A girl with pink, cat-like eyes watched me curiously through the camera stationed on the computer. I could tell she was calling from a T-communicator because it showed a close-up of her face and her words weren't easy to interpret. She wasn't expecting to see me and I wasn't expecting to see her, but she brightened as soon as I responded.

"You're Jinx," I said slowly, vaguely remembering her name. "It _is_ Jinx, right?"

"Yeah, hi! It's been awhile!" she said, forcing a small laugh. "How- how you've been? Everything going okay with your amnesia?"

"I'm fine. Thank you. How about you?"

"I could be better…"

Jinx stopped the conversation briefly to glance over her shoulder. The sounds of electric guns and maniacal laughter echoed in the background, turned to static by the poor communication. Every now and then, I could make out a few people who were fighting the unknown enemies: a dark-skinned girl suspended in flight by using her insect wings; a young man with black hair, wearing an aquatic suit complete with gills, scales, and fins for hydrodynamics; a masked boy, similar in appearance to Robin, but he wielded a bow and a quiver of arrows. In addition, there were frequent streaks of light across the screen, barely caught in the camera because the people creating this light were running so fast. It took me a moment but I eventually realized that I had met all of these people before. It was another group of Titans, the guests who attended the surprise party for me, and by the looks of it, they were obviously exhausted.

"Is everything alright?" I asked. "What's happening over there?"

"A lot, actually. It's the reason why I called."

"How can we help?"

"I like your enthusiasm," Jinx said with a smirk. "I wanted to know if Robin and you guys could do us a favor and take this."

The cat-eyed girl quickly typed in a combination, digital coordinates appearing instantly on a grid beside the live video-feed. I examined them closely but it wasn't familiar to me. I realized then that this wasn't a map of Jump City.

"These coordinates will lead you to another distress signal we picked up a few minutes ago. I read the logs of the bad guys you fought and it sounds like it's somebody you've seen before. I guess he's elusive too because he escaped from you guys multiple times."

"Well that sounds fun," I deadpanned.

Jinx smiled knowingly. "We need you guys to come to Steel City and deal with it. I came here with Wally to help the Titans East and we're already overwhelmed. We could use some backup to our backup, if you know what I mean…" Jinx eyes shifted upwards just slightly. "You got that, Cyborg?"

"We gotcha covered," said Cyborg, joining me by my side. "We're on our way."

"Thanks again. We owe you one. Jinx out."

The screen disappeared and the lights returned. I whirled around to see the masked boy, the tangerine girl, and the pea-green boy scattered throughout the room. They all stood there with similar expressions of pride.

"How long have you guys been standing here?" I asked, trying to calm my beating heart.

"Oh, for a while now," Cyborg answered nonchalantly.

"I didn't even hear you come in. Why didn't you say anything?"

"It seemed like you had it covered," Beast Boy said, flashing a smile.

"I have the coordinates on my T-communicator," Starfire declared to everyone. "I know where we must go."

"It's been awhile since we last saw this guy, huh?" said Robin.

"Tell me about it," said Beast Boy. "Man, I get a sick feeling just thinking about it…"

"Well I'm glad we'll finally have your help taking this guy down. Now let's get to the T-Ship and get out of here before we lose this thing again. Everything ready, Cyborg?"

"She's all fired up for us, man."

"Great. Titans, GO!"

* * *

Traveling to Steel City was a lot more interesting than traveling to Jump City. We had the luxury of living close to the city limits so it was never any trouble to drive there in a car, despite us living on an island in the bay. However, Steel City was a distant destination. It would take either several hours by car or several hours by flight. Nobody would've had the strength to travel like that upon short notice, which was why I was thrilled when the Titans decided to take the T-ship.

I was very excited to see one of the Titans' signature vehicles. I knew that it existed but I didn't have a chance to see it in person until that moment. It was bigger than I had imagined. The orange and black ship took up nearly the entire space in the underground garage and the Titans wasted no time getting to it. As I examined the orange and black ship, I realized that it was actually divided into sections. Each member of the team had their own seat, their own control station, their own contribution to the ship. I would be separated from the other Titans if I boarded the ship and that wasn't something I didn't think I could handle.

Beast Boy noticed my withdrawal from the group and he wondered if something was wrong.

"Why is the ship divided up like that?" I asked. "Why aren't we sitting together?"

"Oh, it's because we each drive a part of the ship," Beast Boy replied.

"But I don't know how to drive that thing. I thought I would just be riding in it."

Robin had heard me talking to Beast Boy and he came over to answer my questions. When I told him about my worry, he assured me that he and Cyborg would be doing the driving. Only in dangerous situations do the pods on the T-ship split up, and I expressed my concern for a worst-case scenario like that occurring.

"It's not that bad," the masked boy assured me. "It's actually kinda easy."

"I just- I don't know. I don't think I could do it."

"Don't worry about that. If anything bad happens, just set it into autopilot and fly away. You would get to safety and call us on your T-communicator when you're able. But I don't think we'll have a problem like that. We've rarely had to split up anyway so it'll be fine."

I only agreed because Starfire and Cyborg were beckoning us to hurry. We had no time to discuss it anymore.

Everyone jumped into their respective compartments: Starfire and I were in the wings of the T-ship where the thrusters were located, Beast Boy sat between us and Cyborg manned the rear of the ship, leaving Robin to sit in the front. We fashioned a headset to ourselves and strapped in, preparing for the ride. Robin made sure everyone checked in before he began the traditional countdown. Cyborg started the engines and on Robin's command, they blasted us forward. The ship launched through the grand opening in the underground garage and we were in the sky in a matter of seconds.

Once we had reached a steady altitude, Cyborg adjusted our speed and Robin calculated the route and trajectory of our travel. Robin mentioned that we would be riding for a while over the headphone set and that we could relax until we arrive to our destination.

"Sounds good to me!" In the pod next to mine, Beast Boy loosened his seatbelt and kicked his feet up on his dashboard. "I've been meaning to catch up on my Zs anyway."

I was too nervous to get myself comfortable in the personal cockpit. There was a complex collage of buttons, knobs, dials, and switches at my disposal and they could do anything from firing laser beams to ejecting me from my seat. Instead of experimenting with the equipment, I entertained myself by staring out the glass dome that encased me into the pod. Robin and Cyborg piloted the ship over the ocean because they didn't want to alarm the public or interfere with other aerial vehicles like airplanes and helicopters, but even then, it was a stunning 360° view.

Ever so slowly, the shoreline became visible again and with it came the sight of an approaching civilization. The terrain was very different from that of Jump City because I saw towering cliffs and a rocky littoral, a warning to nature and humanity of the dangers of the city. The T-ship was aimed to fly directly into Steel City and we flew lower to the surface so we could find a proper location to land. While everyone was peering out their windows, Beast Boy suddenly shouted into the headphone set.

"There they are! I see the Titans East! C'mon, Cy, do a fly-by!"

"Like I'd miss a chance to show off this baby. Hold on, everybody!"

Sure enough, off of the starboard wing of the T-ship, another group of unsupervised teenagers were currently fighting a gang of thieves. Cyborg wanted to be gutsy so he angled the T-ship until it was practically vertical on its side and he flew directly over the crime in progress. It was hard to miss. The roar of the approaching engines caught the thieves off-guard and they looked to the sky in horror. When the Titans East recognized the aerial vehicle, they began to laugh and wave to us. One girl in particular, the dark-skinned girl named Bumblebee, shook her head as her eyes watched the ship fly overhead. As soon as we passed them, she used this distraction to incapacitate a dumbfounded thief. He didn't stand a chance against her.

Cyborg laughed: "Got 'em!"

"Nice one," we heard through the headphone set a few minutes later.

"You liked that, Bee?"

"Always good to have you guys around. Did you get the coordinates Jinx sent ya?"

"Yup. We're almost there," said Robin. "It's a good thing you spotted it. We wanna take this thing out for good."

"I hear ya. Well, I'll check up on you guys later. Thanks again for the backup. Bumblebee, out."

The T-ship was piloted a couple blocks away from the other crime, following Robin's directions, and then Cyborg used an empty street as a runway. We landed rather roughly and Cyborg shut the engines off, causing the hatches on each pod to open. Everyone jumped out of their seats and absorbed the unfamiliar scenery. Fortunately, the streets were vacant because people had cleared the area long ago, but dusk was approaching fast. The shadows of the buildings were stretching across the block, making the location appear even more ominous. It definitely wasn't a safe place to be.

Everyone took a good look around before they turned to Cyborg expectantly. "The coordinates say it's still in the area," he assured them. "Be on your guard. It could be anywhere."

"I can't sense anything," I commented, surprised by how difficult it was to access my powers.

"Don't worry. I can't track it either. One thing's for sure, it's there when you least expect it."

This really put everyone on edge. On the ride here, Robin and Starfire had taken the time to explain to me who‒or what‒the criminal really was. And, to be honest, the Titans had no idea. They knew very little about the White Monster, except that it had the incredible ability to imbibe whatever material it touches and gain its advantages. It had done so with cement, water, brick, oil, and the Titans are positive it can use even more. There seemed to be no limit to what it could do, to which the Titans feared what it intends to do with these powers in the first place.

"Let's keep moving," Robin announced to everyone. "We'll scope out the rest of the streets if we have to."

In the end, we walked the total circumference of the general area where the alert went off. Everyone was discouraged by then, especially Beast Boy‒he wanted to defeat this thing most of all, treating it as an unfulfilled goal. However, as we were making our way back to the T-ship, Cyborg noticed something lurking in the shadow of an alley. When he got closer to inspect it, the White Monster lept from his hiding spot and faced everybody with beady red eyes. The Titans immediately took action.

Robin's pole extended and Cyborg readied his sonic cannon. While Starfire used her starbolts to draw the abomination back, Beast Boy morphed into a snake and snuck up to it, slithering up its leg and around its torso. The White Monster tried to shake him off so Beast Boy changed into a monkey for better grip. Everyone else was trying to find its weakness, possibly a method to defeat it, and I knew I needed to join them. So with that, I ran forward and pushed off the ground.

Instead of flying, however, I stumbled forward. When I regained my composure, I tried again to levitate but I practically tripped. The Titans were still fighting the White Monster, which had now come into the vicinity of a parked vehicle. Before they could stop it, the abomination reached out and touched the tire of the car, tainting its white flesh with the color of worn asphalt. Robin attempted to strike it again, but his extended pole merely bounced off the White Monster. It then used these new ductile powers to jump over the Titans and make a dash down the road. Cyborg's voltaic blasts had less of an impact now, since the electricity skipped off of the White Monster's rubber skin, and the Titans hesitated. They wondered what their next move would be.

I frantically looked down at my hands and tried again and again to summon my astral abilities. In response, my hands showed no sign of dark energy. I wanted to scream. The Titans were fighting the abomination in vain and once again, I was left out of the fight. I didn't understand what was happening.

_Come on! _I thought, pinching my eyes and straining under the weight of the mental trauma. _Why isn't it working?_

There was only one other option to access my powers, and I regretted it as soon as the words left my mouth.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos!"

The transformation was brief, but it was painful enough to for me to realize the problem. I cried out when I felt a second pair of eyes appear on my forehead and this alerted the Titans. They watched from afar as I collapsed onto the ground, holding my face in my hands as if it could prevent the emergence of distorted facial features.

"Friend Raven!"

Starfire was the first to meet me. She tried to inspect my injuries but it was difficult to do so because I was hunched over. I couldn't answer her properly either since it required a lot of focus to snap myself out of the confusion. A certain Emoticlone had finally triggered my demonic transformation and I was doing everything in my power to counter this genetic urge.

"Star!" Beast Boy squeaked from across the road. "What's wrong with her?"

"She is badly hurt," cried Starfire. "She has began to show signs of Trigon's influence!"

Cyborg had been fighting the White Monster up close and hearing Starfire's analysis gave him the strength he needed to shove it away. He called out to Robin in the few spare seconds he had.

"We need to get Raven out of here. We can't fight like this."

The masked leader of the Titans couldn't agree more. He grabbed a fistful of his explosive, metal beads and shouted, "Titans, CLEAR OUT!" before he threw them to White Monster. They detonated all around the abomination and it cowered away from the explosions. The unsupervised teenagers used this aberration to execute their timed retreat.

Before I knew what was happening, Starfire swept me up in her arms and brought me over to the central fuselage of the T-ship. Beast Boy plopped himself into his seat and Starfire told me to join him, knowing I needed a companion for the ride home. Gingerly, I sat on Beast Boy's lap, which wasn't comfortable for neither Beast Boy nor I, and he quickly fastened us together with the seatbelt. The other Titans assembled into their positions and the T-ship soared away at a record-breaking speed. The White Monster saw his opportunity to escape and he did so without a second thought.

"The monster…" I said to Beast Boy once we were in the air. "You let it get away."

"Don't worry. I'm sure it'll show up again. It seems to have a knack at that."

Throughout the ride home, I meditated to the best of my ability. It wasn't easy to focus: we received a call from Bumblebee, who had noticed us leaving so soon, and Cyborg had to explain the complications to her; we encountered some turbulence while flying against the maritime winds; Beast Boy couldn't move very much under my weight and I constantly had to readjust so his legs wouldn't fall asleep. Despite all this, I didn't stop staring at my reflection in the glass dome until the eyes on my forehead vanished and the pain subsided without a trace.

The green changeling observed me quietly as I ruminated. He smiled softly when I finished, no longer distressed about Nevermore, but he didn't understand what had happened. In truth, nobody did. It was all in my head and it was much more than what could be seen. Beast Boy was only trying to understand.

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

"I had no idea my powers would be a problem, Beast Boy," I answered him irritably. "It never occurred to me and I never would've come if I knew they would be a problem. I learned that the last time."

"Didn't you feel anything?" he asked. "Can't you tell when your Emoticlones are being bad?"

"Yeah! I mean, I _can_ but I didn't _feel_ anything wrong. Actually, I never felt anything…"

"What?"

"I haven't used my powers in a while, but not because I knew they didn't work. I just- _didn't_ use them. There was no point! I don't know… I thought everything was fine. I went about the day as usual."

"And you didn't use your powers at all?"

"There's really no need when we're watching movies and playing video games together."

The green changeling took my words into consideration.

"When was the last time you used your powers? Do you remember?"

"We took turns going to the church and back: I flew us there and you carried me home. It was the same day when we told the Titans about us." I paused. "Do you think that's why those things happened back there? Is it because I told the Titans our secret and it's causing Nevermore to break down again?"

"Raven, do you _know_ what happened back there?"

Beast Boy continued to watch me through the reflection in the glass. I could only look at him for so long before I dropped my eyes. I hopelessly shook my head.

"No. Not really. I know Rage got the best of me and she's the reason why it happened but, _why_ it happened? Why she wanted me to turn into that? I don't know. Honestly, I don't know."

As I sniffed back my tears, I felt Beast Boy's arms shift beside me. They coiled around my waist and held onto me tightly, a supportive hug that I couldn't return. Beast Boy didn't know how else to comfort me, and I couldn't blame him. All I could do was stare out the window, grateful for his warmth as the T-ship was piloted home.

When we landed in the underground garage, Beast Boy unbuckled us and we hopped out of the vehicle together. I told him that I needed to be alone so I could meditate but he wasn't fond of that idea. Beast Boy wanted to be in the same room with me for safety concerns and it was difficult to tell him why I needed the privacy. After all, these are my emotions. I didn't want to show Beast Boy any individual side of my personality if I could prevent it. Azar only knew what Happy or Lust would say to him, and at least out here, I could control the image that people see of me. In Nevermore, there would be nothing holding back the aspirations of my more distrustful emotions.

Once I had won the argument, I marched straight to my bedroom and locked the door. The ritual was prepared, the mirror was placed, and I found the ability to levitate again, though it was still fairly weak from the earlier episode. I didn't pressure any of my Emoticlones to appear. Instead, I silently meditated and waited for Nevermore to open up to me. When the glass started to glow, I picked it up and watched a pair of wise, yellow eyes take shape.

"It's okay," I said. "I'm not mad."

"Raven-"

"I'm not mad. It's okay. I'm fine now. I just want to know what happened exactly so I can move on from this."

"Raven, you must understand," Wisdom said urgently. "Nevermore has changed."

"Changed? How?"

"We are unsure, but this is not good. A lot had changed since the very day you told the truth to the Titans."

The yellow irises vanished and they were replaced with a faint pink hue.

"Yeah! Lust is going _crazy_ just thinking about Beastie Boo and Calm says she doesn't want to play with me anymore! Can you believe that?"

"Not to mention we haven't seen Rage anywhere," added Brave once she got her chance to be seen in the mirror. "Not like this isn't anything new."

"So is this why I couldn't use my powers?" I asked. "It's because Lust and Calm were rebelling?"

"Yes," answered Wisdom. "But we do not know why they began to rebel in the first place."

"How are they now? Should I meditate some more?"

There was a pause. "They do seem better. You are able to use your powers again, correct?"

Just to be sure, I held out my hand and summoned the power of my Emoticlones. An orb of dark energy appeared almost instantly and I dismissed it soon after. I was left shaking my head.

"Something is definitely going on," I muttered. "Why would telling the truth be such a problem to Nevermore? Things have been better since I told the Titans the truth, right? I've been in love, more relaxed. That should be a good thing, shouldn't it? It doesn't make any sense."

"What are you gonna do?" asked Brave.

"It's time I get to the bottom of this. It's for me to pay a visit to Nevermore."

* * *

**Author's Note:** So I know that the White Monster probably wasn't the best villain for the Titans to fight. It was supposed to be the start of the next story-arc in the TV series but season 6 was never aired. Because of the unfinished season, nothing about it is canon. I decided to put it into the story since it plays a very minor role. It's not absolutely important, only because Raven transformed while fighting it, so this little discontinuity shouldn't be a big problem.

In addition, I'm sorry about the delay again. I can't apologize enough. I'm just so sorry. It's inexcusable and I'm changing it. I'm not letting this get by me again so long as I can help it. And also, I'm still looking for more people to answer a few questions for me! Send me a PM and we'll make _Amnesia _to the best it can be :)

I'll see everybody on March 20th! Goodbye!


	48. Mind Games

**Author's Note:** Hello my fellow readers! So I know this is very early (or very late...), but I needed to post this now because I'll be leaving for Florida soon! It's Spring Break over here and I didn't want to forget it while I was away, so I thought posting early would be better than risking not being able to post at all while I'm at the hotel. Besides, you guys deserve it after everything :)

Time for the comments!

**Santoramon:** I'm excited for Rage to make an appearance too! It's really fun to be writing this… You can imagine how eager I was to get to these good parts :) I hope you enjoy the rest of it!

**Allen Blaster:** You do have an interesting theory, and parts of it are pretty accurate. Rage is a very complicated character and I had to think a lot in order to write her dialogue and her appearances. This upcoming chapter will reveal a lot about her, a lot that will be important, so stay tuned! I'm excited to hear any feedback you got!

**sliceshadow:** Hey! Yup! Raven is going to Nevermore, and it'll be revealed who she's going with fairly early into the chapter, so get reading! And enjoy!

**RachelGarfield12:** So apparently you're on Chapter 11 and I don't know when you'll be reading this, but hey! It's nice to meet a new reader! If you do get this far, round of applause for you! I really appreciate your comment and I hope you enjoy what's next to come!

**CrashingxWaves:** I'm always excited to update this story too and I'm glad to hear you're liking it! Thanks for again for reading! It's not easy to read something like this so it's awesome to hear from new people :)

And that should be it! Remember, I'm open for suggestions, requests, and ideas for _Amnesia_ so comment me or PM me if you'd like! I also have a few questions in case any readers could answer them for me, just to make sure _Amnesia _is going the way I'd like, and it would only take a few moments! Thanks again, and happy reading!

**A Previous Summary:** As everyone learns to cope with Raven and Beast Boy's new relationship, they get a call from Jinx and they're asked to fight the White Monster, which had recently showed up in Steel City. The Titans agree and they head out in a hurry, this being Raven's first flight in the T-ship. They fly past the Titans East, who wave to them happily, and then seek for the creature that had always evaded capture. When they do encounter it again, Raven unexpectedly loses her powers and she transforms into her demonic side, much to everyone's surprise. The Titans are forced to retreat and they take Raven back to the Tower so she can meditate and rest. However, Raven learns that something strange is happening to Nevermore and she is determined to get to the bottom of it.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 48: _Mind Games_

I didn't hesitate to seek for advice. Despite needing to rest, I used my T-communicator to contact Starfire and I asked if I could speak with her privately. She was horribly confused and worried, but she promptly agreed, and we met with each other in the seclusion of her exotic bedroom.

Starfire listened attentively while I reviewed everything that I learned. She had been very concerned about my well-being after that mission and although she was relieved to know the cause of it, she was fearful of it happening again.

"You have made the contact with Calm at last?" she asked me.

"Yeah. It happened a while ago: another check off the list. I have Lust and Calm by my side, but they were rebelling earlier, which was why I couldn't access my powers. Wisdom also told me that Nevermore is changing. The only thing I can think of is to visit it and solve this problem from the inside-out, and I'll need your help to do it."

"That is an exceptional strategy," Starfire replied. "Perhaps experiencing your emotions from within Nevermore shall demonstrate a dramatic difference that meditating from beyond. But, unfortunately, I would not be the best candidate for this endeavor."

"What? Why not? You've helped me with meditating and contacting Nevermore plenty of times before. I think you can do it."

"I am flattered to have been selected by you, Friend Raven. Truly, I am, but I believe there is someone more appropriate than I."

"Who?"

"Beast Boy."

"Beast Boy?"

"Yes. He and Cyborg were the first of the Titans to enter Nevermore. It was an accident, but they managed to help you in a way that Robin and I could not. I believe Rage had been a major problem at the time."

_And she still is…_

"Perhaps Beast Boy should be the one to assist you," she finished. "After all, I do not wish to be a _grimplork_."

I wasn't willing to follow through with this plan right away. I already had my speculations to how my Emoticlones would react and I didn't feel ready to introduce them to him just yet. After all, I didn't remember meeting them. They would be meeting each other again for the first time and I wouldn't be able to restrain them if I was in Nevermore. They would be free to say and do whatever they pleased, and that scared me.

Was Beast Boy ready to see me like this? Better yet, was I ready to be seen like this?

"Do you really think Beast Boy should come with me?"

"Of course."

"I don't know, Starfire. You're my friend and I trust you, but… I'm afraid of what Beast Boy would think of me if I took him into Nevermore. What if he doesn't like what he sees in me? What if he doesn't like me anymore? But you already know me. You've already seen what I'm capable of. You've even had my powers once too, right? I just think you'd have a better time understanding my problem…"

"Do you trust Beast Boy?" Starfire asked me.

"Yeah. I do. I trust him with my life."

"Then there is no other reason to not bring him into Nevermore. He shall understand, Friend Raven. He has always understood you." I still didn't seem entirely convinced, to which she asked me, "...or if you would prefer to experience your emotions with me, we shall engage in romantic activities to encourage the suppression of Affection and Lust…"

I refused immediately and Starfire genuinely laughed.

"Excellent. It would be best to inform him soon to avoid complications. I wish you the best of luck, Friend Raven."

As instructed by Starfire, I called Beast Boy on his T-communicator and asked to speak with him in his bedroom. He was also really concerned about me, but as I explained the situation, his concern was more about my mental health rather than my personal health. I didn't think he would agree right away. I told him that we could wait a few days in hopes of the situation becoming less of a problem, and Beast Boy disagreed completely.

"If we wait now, it might only get worse. You meditate as soon as you know someone is rebelling, right? You gotta take care of it before it gets outta hand. If we wait now, I'm worried something bad will happen to Nevermore. That's why we're going in today."

"Today?"

"Yeah. As soon as we can. We gotta make sure everything's okay in there."

"It's not going to be easy," I said. "Starfire said I should have someone in there with me so they can help my Emoticlones experience their emotion. Then I'm supposed to meditate and they'll be suppressed. I'm supposed to do that to each and every one of them."

"I know," he replied.

"Well, are you really up for it? I've never done something like this before anyway."

"It's alright. I've been in there so I got a pretty good idea on what to expect. I'm sure we can suppress them if we work together."

"Okay, but remember, they _are_ me, Beast Boy. Just not in the way you'd expect."

"Don't worry. I got it."

"They'll want to experience their emotion, Beast Boy, so you'd have to help _all_ of them with that while I meditate. I won't be able to help you every step of the way."

"It's okay. I don't mind it."

"Beast Boy-"

"Raven, I know what I'm getting into. It's okay. Really. I wanna help. Besides, being around like _seven_ different Ravens? That sounds like Heaven."

"More like Hell…"

"I'll be the judge of that. C'mon," he beckoned me. "Let's get in and out so we're not late for dinner. Cy's gonna make some spaghetti and I wanna eat some before Star puts that alien gunk all over it."

"I'm glad we have priorities here."

We both walked back to my bedroom, closing and locking the door behind us for privacy. A spot in the middle of the room had already been prepared for the ritual and we both took a seat inside the circle of sand. With the wave of my hand, the wicks of the candles were sparked and they sustained a meager flame, barely bright enough for us to see each other across the floor. I drew back my hood and started to hover above the floor.

"What should I do?" the green changeling asked, inspecting my ability of levitation with wonder. "Are you gonna say the magic words and _poof_ we're in Nevermore?"

"Not exactly. Starfire said I needed to meditate in order to reach Nevermore, but she also mentioned that you entered without my help?" I raised a quizzical eyebrow. "Care to explain?"

"Yeah. I remember. I looked into the mirror one time and this big hand came out of nowhere. It ended up dragging me and Cy into it and we wound up in your head, I guess. It's not one of my best moments…"

"Well it's our best bet to getting you in there."

"Are you sure? Will I be grabbed and pulled in again like last time?"

"I don't think so. That could've been Rage doing that, but you'll be fine. And I'll be in there with you too."

"That's good," he said, grabbing the handle and holding the demonic mirror up to his face. "I can only imagine what your Emoticlones would do if I was alone with them."

_I can imagine it too._

As Beast Boy concentrated on his reflection, I floated a couple feet off the floor and chanted my mantra, focusing on my breathing pattern as Starfire had taught me. Even though my eyes were closed, I heard Beast Boy gasp as he witnessed a portal emerge from the mirror. He carefully set it down and stood up, all while I continued to meditate.

"Okay, I'm going in, Rae. See you inside!"

Beast Boy entered the portal and I was overwhelmed with a nauseating sensation. My eyes were still closed and my palms were facing the ceiling as they rested on my knees. I wasn't moving at all, and yet, I felt a whirl of motion. A stifling breeze chilled my bones and enveloped me like a blanket of darkness. When all seemed stagnant once again, I woke to find myself levitating on a privy, isolated rock in a sky infested with crimson stars.

Although I didn't remember entering Nevermore, I immediately recognized the aspects of the abnormal nature.

_Red stars,_ I thought. _Wait. I've seen these red stars before…_

I could just barely recall the dream I had in the Infirmary months ago. It took place in the middle of nowhere, a location whose origin remained a mystery. I had found a deserted cadaver in a ditch, a man clothed in metal, and it appeared as if he had fallen from the sky to his instant death. It was in that same dream that the dead body had grabbed my ankle and wouldn't release his grip. He flashed four demonic eyes as I struggled against him and I could still recount his haunting voice.

"_It's time to go to sleep."_

The same stars were in that dream. And all this time, it had been a foreshadow of Nevermore, even before I ever realized that I had a whole world within my own mind.

I never would've guessed.

I slowly got to my feet and gazed around the vast, light-speckled environment in search for Beast Boy. He obviously didn't appear nearby. I was just starting to worry when I heard Beast Boy's muffled voice, too distant to decipher meaning. It was followed by a high-pitched giggle.

_An Emoticlone must've found him first,_ I thought to myself. _How am I not surprised?_

A pathway of rocks formed at my feet, the tiny boulders connecting mere inches before I would have walked off a cliff into the misty depths below. As I followed the trail, I came to an arch sculpted out of aging rock and I walked right through it. As if traveling through a portal, I was submersed into a different landscape, one with a yellow atmosphere, rolling pink hills, and purple-tinged foliage teaming with life. I inhaled the unnaturally sweet perfume of the land, which was too pungent for my taste, and began searching the girly domain for any sign of Beast Boy's presence.

I sensed him not too far away from the arch and after tracing my reliable instincts, I spotted him near a tall, violet pine tree at the peak of a hill. Padding softly through the salmon grass, I stopped abruptly when I noticed that he wasn't alone. From the other side of the landmark emerged another figure, from whom Beast Boy was retreating cautiously with raised hands. A pink cape fluttered in a breeze and even from a distance away, I could detect the unmistakable smile that Happy could never restrain. Irritated, I blew a strand of hair out of my eyes and briskly marched towards the green changeling. He tried avoiding contact with my most cheerful Emoticlone but she was relentless. They didn't notice me as I approached.

"Well _hello_ there, Beastie Boo!" Happy exclaimed, gliding towards Beast Boy with an overjoyed expression.

"Hey, Happy," Beast Boy replied, rather worriedly.

"What brings you here? Need a refill on air-fresheners?"

Happy giggled hysterically at her own joke while Beast Boy chuckled nervously. I mentally face-palmed myself.

"No, uh, actually I'm looking for Raven…"

"Well, you found her," Happy said, drawing nearer to him. "I'm so glad you're here! We should play a game!"

"I'd like to," he answered earnestly. "But I really need to find Raven first..."

"Aww, c'mon! Pretty please?"

"I really gotta go. Maybe you could help me find Raven? And then we could all play together, deal?"

"Okay… But first, gimme a piggy-back ride!"

Without waiting for approval, Happy advanced towards him. Beast Boy barely had a chance to defend himself before she sprang onto his back and coiled her limbs around him for security. The green changeling staggered forward, immediately losing balance, while Happy laughed.

"C'mon! Let's go!" she cheered. "Mush! Onward, my Beastie Boo! Wha-? Ahhhhh!"

Together, they fell backwards into the pink grass and rolled down the side of the hill. When they landed, Beast Boy seemed exhausted, but Happy jumped to her feet and clapped excitedly like an eager child. If it weren't for the plush wildlife, Beast Boy could've been serious injured.

"That was _so_ much fun! Let's do that again!"

Beast Boy groaned as he propped himself up on his elbow. He was surprised to see my extended hand, but he gladly accepted my offer and stood.

"You okay?" I asked him.

"Yeah! I was just worried because I couldn't find you right away."

"Well, I can see that you had some fun with Happy…"

"She found me first."

"I'm not surprised."

"Hiya, Raven!" exclaimed Happy.

The pink-cloaked Emoticlone bounded towards me, giving me a strong hug as a greeting.

"I'm so happy that you finally showed up. And you brought Beastie Boo here! Yipee!"

"Beastie Boo?" Beast Boy repeated.

He looked to me with a mocking grin. I didn't look at him at first because I was too embarrassed, but he nudged my arm playfully to grab my attention. I could only shrug, accepting the embarrassing alias that I had used to label my boyfriend.

"I must've thought about it once," I admitted.

"Once?"

"You can't prove me guilty."

"He was giving me a piggy-back ride before you came!" Happy enthused.

"I can tell," I replied silkily.

She leaned closer, using her hand as a barrier to hide the words from her mouth.

"He's not very strong though…"

"Hey!" Beast Boy complained. "Not true. I can carry Raven any day. You just caught me off guard!"

Happy only giggled in response: "Oh, you're so silly, Beastie Boo!"

She then began to run around in circles, stretching her arms out like the wings of a plane. Her pink cape undulated in the cool breeze as she buzzed her lips to resemble an aircraft's engine. Beast Boy smirked at me.

"It's almost too painful to watch," I remarked, wincing as my cheeks flourished with embarrassment.

"I'm embarrassed just being here."

"Thanks for the support."

Moments later, several more figures in miscellaneous-colored, hooded cloaks phased from the ground and took shape. The Emoticlone donning a green cape was the first out of the three other individuals to acknowledge Beast Boy.

"Hey, BB!" Brave shouted, slapping his back. "You made it! Way to go!"

Beast Boy yelped at the unexpected contact: "Yeah! It's been a while." He struggled to muster a smile as he rubbed the now smarting area of his body.

"You too, Raven," she said, giving me a thumbs up. "Atta girl! It's good to finally meet ya!"

"You too," I answered, feeling a bit awkward. "It's just weird to see you guys in person and not through my mirror."

"Yeah. Totally weird."

As Brave grinned triumphantly, her sister Emoticlone stepped out from behind her and made her way towards Beast Boy in determination, her purple cloak flickering at her ankles. The green changeling drew his arms back, expecting a hug from one of the more affectionate figments of my personality. Instead, the Emoticlone grabbed Beast Boy's face and pulled him into a passionate smooch.

My eyes were wide as I watched Affection kiss my boyfriend. I could tell that Beast Boy was just as startled, but he slowly started to relax, almost in defeat as he shared the romantic activity. Feeling a twinge of jealousy, I cleared my throat loudly. Affection didn't bother to move, though Beast Boy gradually pulled away. He seemed breathless and the amorous Emoticlone spoke during this short period of intimacy.

"Just once," she cooed. "Just once I wanted to taste those lips for myself. And it was worth the wait."

Beast Boy chuckled, his face painted with a hot blush. "It's good to see you too," he replied.

When Beast Boy returned to my side, I couldn't resist the urge to blurt a snide comment: "I can't believed you kissed another girl…"

"Actually, that _was_ you…"

"Not really."

"Well, _I _didn't kiss you. _You _kissed me…"

"And you enjoyed it, didn't you?"

Beast Boy shrugged. "What can I say? I couldn't help myself! Besides, it technically _was_ you…"

"You kissed a specific part of my personality," I explained. "So, no, you didn't kiss _me_ but a _part_ of me…"

"And that's proof that it _was_ you."

"Yeah, right…"

It was then another Emoticlone stepped up, removing her hood before speaking formally to us. She was outfitted in my cloak, except in a yellow hue, and she wore an additional accessory in the form of thick, round spectacles with metal frames, unlike the other Emoticlones. Wisdom was the most intelligent out of them all, accumulating her knowledge in a sophisticated and cultured manner. Her wisdom always fueled my final decision so I was relieved to have finally met her as well.

"Beast Boy," she announced, extending a hand. "Welcome to Nevermore. It is so nice to meet you in person and we are all very thankful to have you here with us. We appreciate what you are doing."

Catching Wisdom's superiority, Beast Boy took her hand and shook it.

"No problem at all. I'm thrilled to be here and I appreciate your generosity."

He then bowed gallantly before Wisdom and, like a gentleman, he kissed her hand to show respect. Flattered, Wisdom sheepishly withdrew her hand and simply nodded. It was difficult for her to hide the induced smile. Beast Boy then turned to me, looking for approval.

"How was that?"

"Well, obviously I liked it...in a way."

Beast Boy's ears perked up: "You think I nailed it?"

"Right on your thumb," I said, trying my best to be funny, and Beast Boy actually laughed at my sarcastic quip.

"It's hilarious to see you try one of my cheesy jokes."

"They aren't my type," I added sympathetically. "I prefer insults disguised in a monotone."

"Even funnier."

That's when our conversation was politely interrupted once more. Timid had walked over to us cautiously and shyly tapped on Beast Boy's arm. When he turned to face the apologetic Emoticlone, he smiled warmly and pulled her into a comforting hug. Even though Timid never returned it, she accepted his embrace and remained there, enjoying his console. When they drew back, Beast Boy lowered Timid's gray hood. A pale and worried face appeared and the pea-green boy thoughtfully pecked her on the cheek before she could scurry away. Timid bowed her head as Beast Boy raised her hood again. Even though it was masking her facial features, we could both see that she was smiling softly.

"You're so cute when you're reserved," Beast Boy commented to me, eyeing Timid as she retreated into the crowd. She disliked the limelight she had received from interacting with the visitor, though I could tell she felt welcomed by the gesture.

"I'm not always cowardly and fearful," I said, smirking at him.

"That's not what I meant. I mean you aren't always looking for attention. You're humble when it comes to things like these. I think it's really cool, and kinda adorable."

"I never thought of it as an appealing trait…"

"Being shy isn't bad. Many girls don't have that. It means you're not a stuck-up snob, like some of the villains we face."

"I guess I've always been self-conscious about myself. Who can blame me?"

"There's nothing to blame. It's not a bad thing to feel that way. I think it's very modest, _and_ sweet."

"And if you know me, you'd know that I'm anything but sweet and girly…"

"That's my girl."

At that moment, Happy exclaimed with joy, leaping into the air and flying as she clapped energetically. She momentarily reminded me of a certain, green-sclera alien.

"He said it!" she shouted. "Beastie Boo called us _his_ girl! Yipee!"

Beast Boy laughed and I ducked my head, muttering under my breath.

"I see you've waited a long time for me to say that," he chuckled.

"How could you tell?" I asked him sarcastically.

Beast Boy waggled his eyebrows playfully and I shoved him, trying to appear annoyed while Happy laughed along with him.

Another moment later, everyone was surprised when two more cloaked figures formed from the ground directly in front of us. One of the arriving Emoticlones wore a coffee-brown cape, her hood pulled away to reveal an ailing face that displayed exhaustion. Purple bags encircled her weary eyes and she frowned as she phased into the environment, more out of boredom rather than annoyance to the interruption. Sloth not only symbolized my laziness but my uncleanliness too, as she smelled as if she hadn't showered in weeks. She also represented my desire to sleep; her slouched posture indicated that she suffered from a lack of it.

Right next to her stood Rude, dressed in pumpkin-colored garments. She was frowning, just like Sloth, but she was truly annoyed about the commotion in Nevermore. She crossed her arms as she examined the crowd and Sloth yawned leisurely, stretching her arms above her head.

Seeing them really made me worried.

"What's going on?" Sloth asked, looking around as she groggily rubbed her eyes.

"Beastie Boo is here!" Happy acclaimed. "Look!"

"He's not here to tell stupid jokes, right?" asked Rude with a raised eyebrow.

"He is here to help Raven and to help us," Wisdom explained.

"Well I _was_ trying to sleep," Sloth told them. She was still pawing away the itchy crust from her eyes. "But hey! I guess this is kinda cool."

"It's cool to see you too," said Beast Boy.

"So, have you ever been in an eating competition? If it were pizza, I bet I could eat more than you."

"Remind me why you never show this side of yourself?" Beast Boy asked me, gesturing to the sleazy Emoticlone.

"You'd get tired of her eventually," I answered. "Or she'd get tired of you. Or she'd just get tired in general."

Beast Boy laughed and faced Sloth again: "Next chance I get, it's gonna be you, me, and the pizza parlor down the street. You in?"

Sloth grinned drunkenly and stuck up her thumb in agreement. Azar only knows what else she'd say to him, which would probably include my personal habits, so I took the time to gather my Emoticlones and explain the news. I reiterated to everyone the point of this visit‒to suppress them and fix the changes in Nevermore‒and I would not tolerate bad behavior. I threatened to leave with Beast Boy early if anybody misconducted themselves inappropriately and everyone nodded in understanding. Beast Boy was excited to get started, but only because he had yet to understand the importance of his companionship.

"You think you can handle them?" I asked.

"Yeah! I got this! Just tell me what I hafta do again."

"I need you to spend some time with each and every one of my Emoticlones, just enough for them to experience their emotion. Once they're being expressed, I should be able to suppress them easily. Starfire thinks doing this should help Nevermore, and help me control my powers better too."

"Alright. Sounds easy enough."

"Now, you might need to spend a little more time with some of them," I added, toying with the tone of my voice. "Yeah, Affection and Lust are going to be harder to suppress. You'll need to do a lot more than just kissing them."

Beast Boy's face softened and I kept going.

"You'll also need to fight with Brave because I know she loves a good challenge. There might be a good mud pit around for Sloth too…"

"Uhh."

"And don't forget to talk with Timid. She's a quiet one so it's easy to forget that she's there."

"Wait…"

I could sense his hesitation, but I didn't give him a chance to retreat.

"Okay, well that about concludes it! Ladies, have at him!"

The cluster of Emoticlones had Beast Boy swarmed in moments and he yelped in surprise. The green changeling hardly had any time to react, let alone scramble away as a crowd of eccentric individuals surrounded him, each poking and prodding him for attention.

"C'mon! We should have some fun!" Happy sang as she grappled his arm.

She was attempting to tug him away from the other Emoticlones, but Brave had grabbed his other arm. The courageous Emoticlone had yanked him so hard that Beast Boy fell forward. They both refused to release him.

"No way! I wanna go first!" Brave argued.

"What about me?" Timid whispered, but her meek voice was drowned from within the forceful argument.

"We should take turns!" Wisdom declared.

"But I should get the most time with him," Affection stated. "It will take longer for him to suppress me anyway."

Beast Boy blushed furiously upon realizing what she had meant.

"Raven! Wait!"

"Huh?" I called back, pretending to be oblivious to the situation. "Did you say something, Beast Boy?"

Beast Boy tried to answer, but he was completely trapped. Now, Affection had him in an embrace and she was nuzzling into his body. As he tried to wiggle free from her grasp, others got in the way to talk with him.

"C'mon! Let's brawl, BB!" Brave exclaimed.

"Aww, don't listen to her. Why don't we go somewhere private so we can cuddle in peace?" Affection whispered seductively.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Timid whimpered, eyeing the energetic crowd. "It's too loud in here, Beast Boy, and I don't like it. We better go."

"I don't care what we do," Sloth shrugged as she reclined against a purple tree, even though it was obvious that she preferred to nap. "I'm okay with whatever."

"Raven! Help!" he cried. "I'm surrounded!"

"Oh, and try to keep it down! I'm trying to meditate!"

"I won't forget this!" he shouted back, but I only chuckled.

_Of course you won't forget this…_

I was smiling to myself as I hiked up the pink slope. When I reached the summit, I started to levitate and I folded my legs into the lotus position. The view was spectacular from up there. Even though Happy's domain wasn't the most ideal place to meditate, I was already feeling much better.

I snuck a glance at the commotion downhill and I smiled again. Beast Boy had managed to calm everyone down and he was trying to work out a system in order to spend a fair amount of time with each Emoticlone. Not everybody agreed with the system, but the vast majority of them obeyed his leadership, not wanting to displease the guest. I was absolutely relieved. This visit could've gone a number of ways but things already seemed positive. His interactions with my Emoticlones gave me the confidence I needed to suppress them and I could tell they were all eager to express themselves to Beast Boy too.

In fact, _everyone_ wished to express themselves to Beast Boy.

I had shut my eyes for only a few moments when I sensed another whirl of motion. Lust and Calm had appeared in front of me and I jumped to my feet. I had been curious to why they hadn't shown up sooner so I was eager to speak with them.

"There you are!" I said with a smile. "I was just about to summon you."

"Raven, where is Beast Boy?" Lust demanded.

"Don't worry. He's just down this hill. He hasn't left yet so if you want, you two can-"

"Why did you bring him here?"

"To help," I answered, rather worriedly. "I brought him here because Wisdom said Nevermore had changed. I thought that meant I should visit it and I wanted to be there with someone. Starfire suggested Beast Boy to come with me."

"You should not have done that," Calm said.

"What are you talking about? You're the reason why I did it in the first place. You were both rebelling, which is why I couldn't use my powers."

"No! That's not what happened!" said Lust.

"We were attempting to warn you, Raven," finished Calm. "We are not the reason why your abilities were compromised."

I had a difficult time speaking. Lust was urgent to explain the situation and so was Calm, although she conducted herself in a more formal manner. I noticed that she was wearing a blue cape as well, although her's was a crystal-blue pigment, matching a cloudless sky. I stared at her cloak as I digested the news.

"Neither of you mentioned anything…"

"We didn't know how to tell you," said my sensual Emoticlone. "And we didn't think it was possible. So much had happened, and we both felt so grateful to be part of Nevermore again, but…maybe we forgot to close the door behind us…"

"I don't believe it. How did this happen?"

"We are unsure, Raven," said Calm. "She is still separated from you, although I have noticed differences in Nevermore. Perhaps she has found a way to make contact again and this shall put us all in danger."

"I can't even sense her. How do you know all of this?"

"You have to believe us," Lust pleaded.

"Where is she? Did you see her?"

"No! Well… No, we haven't. Not directly."

I was absolutely distraught and Calm tried to reassure me. However, her relaxing aura couldn't cease my frantic heart.

"Raven, now is not the time to panic."

"What?"

"You must gather Beast Boy and remove him from Nevermore. It is too dangerous to be in here, even for us."

"I- I don't understand. We were just trying to help."

"You are helping _us_, Raven, but not _all_ of us can be helped."

None of it made any sense. Apparently, Nevermore had changed since the day I had told the Titans the truth. Something was different about it and this had caused Lust and Calm to resist being suppressed. But it wasn't them. They were only rebelling to warn me, so it wasn't them who impacted my powers, then…

_Oh Azar._

I turned away from my Emoticlones and fumbled down the steep rise. I sprinted towards Beast Boy with urgency, knowing that time was precious. She could've been there all along. She could've seen everything that had happened, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. Maybe that's what she wanted; maybe she wanted me to come into Nevermore, just so she could confront me personally. For what reason? I couldn't imagine it. After all that time of hiding in the shadows, she was ready to come out and face me. Meanwhile, I was afraid of the darkness she could unleash.

"Beast Boy…" I panted.

The green changeling had been chatting with Happy while the other Emoticlones impatiently waited in a line behind her. I showed up, utterly breathless, and they all looked to me quizzically. Beast Boy stepped forward, his hands reaching for me.

"Raven? What's going on? I thought you were gonna meditate."

"You need to go," I told him.

"Go?" Happy asked, clearly bewildered. "But he just got here! What about the game Beastie Boo promised me?"

I shook my head viciously: "No no no. He needs to leave. Now! Something's not right."

"I know," Beast Boy replied softly. "And that's why I'm here, right? I got everything under control now you can-"

"No!" I shouted. "You NEED to go! It's not safe here anymore!"

"Safe from what?"

I couldn't answer his question. I gasped when I felt the chill of a demonic apparition and a deep, guttural voice interrupted us.

"Raven…"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Totally random, but I'm sorry if any of you guys were confused last week. I made a mistake in the last chapter so I had to update it again, but it was a quick fix. I'm glad I caught it too because it would've been confusing.

So yeah! That's all I got! Now I'm a little worried that I won't be able to post again in two weeks due to being away all Spring Break (WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF) but I'm not ready to give up so easily. I'll see what I can do :) I hope to see everyone again soon!


	49. The Symbol

**Author's Note:** Holy cow! We're so close to 200 followers! I think I mentioned once that having 200 followers was my next goal (I really don't remember if I did) but hey! This is huge! I'm so happy to see all the new followers and favorites and, of course, all of the comments you guys leave. I absolutely love all the feedback and I can't wait to keep posting! We're in the final stretch of _Amnesia_ but we still got many things to clear up, and things should clear up pretty soon :)

Time for the comments!

**Allen Blaster: **I will admit, I did have similar ideas for this chapter. I really debated on how their first encounter would be and it was one of the first excerpts I wrote to get me pumped about starting this story almost two years ago! Of course, a lot had to be changed, but you are on the right track :) I hope you like what's next to come!

**Santoramon: **I'm so sorry about the injustices! XD Trust me, I'd post much more often if I have the time, but it's a lot to get done! Even after I post the last chapter to _Amnesia_, I'll be going back and editing EVERYTHING so I can make this story the best it can be. But hey! I'm glad you're enjoying it and I PROMISE that I'll get around to reading your story too! I'll get a few more things ready with _Amnesia_ and then I'll read your lil' fic :) Enjoy!

**sliceshadow:** Thank you! I had a wonderful Spring Break and I hope you did too! I didn't have as much time as I would've liked to write, but posting on time is all that matters to me :)

**RachelGarfield12:** Pshh what's more important than reading fanfiction? Answer: nothing. I'm flattered to hear how obsessed with _Amnesia_ you are so thank you! And I'm sorry about how annoying I can get with this story XD Hopefully I can pull an end to this soon!

**JasonVUK:** I'm sure we could _all_ imagine what freaky things Rage would love to do with Beast Boy XD buuuuuuut I can't do that… yet… *looks side-to-side suspiciously* Well, on a lighter note, I hope you enjoy Chapter 49. Happy reading!

**chryschaos:** Hello! I know you're only on Chapter 27 but it's nice to see another comment from another reader! Thank you so much for taking the time to read _Amnesia_ and I hope you're still enjoying it! Until then, happy reading!

And that should be it! Enjoy the chapter!

**A Previous Summary:** After talking with Starfire, Raven decides it's time to go into Nevermore. However, she is advised to go with Beast Boy since he had been in there before. Reluctantly, Raven proceeds to tell Beast Boy about the plan and he readily agrees, aware of the risks but determined to help Raven cope with her emotions. Together, they enter Nevermore and Raven meets her Emoticlones face-to-face for the first time. Raven is relieved to discover that her Emoticlones are happy to see Beast Boy and they all dispute over who he should interact with first. When Raven goes off to meditate, Lust and Calm appear and they bring devastating news. They weren't trying to rebel; they were trying to warn Raven and now she and Beast Boy are in danger. As Raven tells Beast Boy this, another Emoticlone appears to greet the visitors.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 49: _The Symbol_

The group of Emoticlones gaped as a phantom emerged from the ground. It rose to meet our height and then it condensed, assuming a familiar yet notorious shape. Everyone started to retreat, but I put myself between Beast Boy and the oncoming threat. There was no way I would ever let her get close to him.

"Rage," I whispered.

Her red cloak clung to her body while a hood darkened her face and through the shadows, two pairs of crimson eyes flashed dangerously at all of us. She seemed pleased by our negative reactions to her arrival.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her. "What do you want?"

Rage didn't answer. Instead, she began to advance towards us. Timid was cowering fearfully behind Brave, who pouted with her hands on her hips. Affection backed away defensively and Wisdom became stoic, narrowing her eyes in disapproval. Happy and Sloth were surprised, more curious than fearful of Rage's power, but they didn't dare to speak. A part of me was hesitant to speak as well.

"Get away from us!" I shouted, but I knew what was coming.

Rage took another step forward and then she raised her hand. Before a blast of red energy could reach us, a hemisphere barrier had formed and it deflected the attack. She started to fire at us again and again, and it took every ounce of focus I had to endure it.

"Go! Everyone get out of here!"

My Emoticlones immediately scattered, knowing that I would need their power in order to use my abilities properly. I was still sustaining the shield, which was now shuddering under the weight of Rage's fury, but I noticed that one presence had remained.

"Beast Boy, you have to go," I called over my shoulder. "Find a way out of here."

"I can't leave you like this."

"You have to go! I don't know how long I can fight her."

"Well if you don't fight her, you'll be stuck with her," he reasoned. "Even if you leave, she'll still be in your head. We have to take her down."

"I don't think I can!"

Rage's red power was beginning to infuse with my dark energy, causing the dome-shaped barrier to fluctuate. I held out my hands and shouted my mantra but it caused only a minimal difference. I didn't have time to argue with Beast Boy.

"Just let me help you!"

"No!" I screamed as I felt my powers collapse. "Beast Boy, watch out!"

The shield vanished without a trace. Suddenly vulnerable, I fired a beam of dark energy towards Rage before she could do the same to me. It was a perfect shot. The beam hit her in the chest and she skidded backwards, her heels digging into the soil of Happy's domain and ruining it in the process. This impact caused her hood to fall down and when she regained her stance, Rage glared up at me vengefully. However, it wasn't her expression that surprised me.

Above her eyes, a strange insignia appeared on her chakra. It had a familiar shape‒I knew I had seen something like it before‒and it glowed like a dying ember. I froze immediately when I noticed it.

It didn't make sense as to why Rage would appear as such because none of my other Emoticlones bore the hideous mark. I wondered if this is what made Rage different from the rest. After all, Rage was considered to be a "separate" Emoticlone so I theorized that this could be either the cause or the effect of this separation, but it didn't make any sense. Lust and Calm surely didn't have that insignia when they were separated, so why did Rage have it?

More importantly, why do I remember seeing it before?

"Stop what you're doing, Rage," I told her in a monotonic voice. "I don't want to fight you."

Rage roared as she launched more and more of her attacks. It was difficult to block them all and a few found its target, but I was still able to fight back.

"You _will_ submit to me," I threatened her. "You _will_ stop resisting."

"Only if you give me what I need," she said. "Only if you give me what I came here for."

I knew exactly what she was talking about and hearing her demand it only made my gut twist.

"No."

"I need power, Raven. I need your anger, your frustration, your violence. You get it all from me, but I can get it from you too." I shook my head indignantly, to which Rage continued. "Give me what I need, Raven. Or else I will make you do it."

"No! I won't give you anything!"

"It's so easy," she cooed. "You've done it before and you know it. You don't even have to say it! Just let go of your pain, Raven. That's all you have to do, and I'll take care of the rest."

I gazed into her haunting eyes, unable to ignore her temptation, and I looked away as soon as she started to smile.

"Help me, Raven," she seethed through a set of pointed teeth. "Help yourself."

I hesitated to answer and then I looked bravely back into her eyes.

"No. Leave. Me. _Alone._"

The evil Emoticlone swelled with rage and she began to attack me again. I instantly took flight and dodged her attempts to strike me, drafts of red energy blazing inches from my body. It was obvious what she was trying to do but I was having a hard time restraining my emotions. Rage knew that if I got upset enough, she could use my anger to strengthen herself, which would only make it harder to suppress her. I didn't want that to happen, but fighting her wasn't helping me either. In fact, it was actually frustrating me more than it should, especially since I was fighting an individual entity in Nevermore.

Only, Rage isn't another person: she is me. I was fighting against Rage but I was also fighting against myself and how could I have defeated myself anyway? Is it even possible to fight against yourself like this?

Either way, I doubt I could've won…

Before Rage could get too close to me, I turned my back to her and flew away. Rage followed my lead, not willing to give up so easily, and I flew faster, extending both of my arms to the ground below me. I was on the approach towards Beast Boy, knowing this was the best opportunity to leave, and his mind was on the same page as mine. He took a running start, lept into the air, and reached for my arms as I had reached for him. Together, with a firm grip on one another, I levitated us through the portal and out of Happy's domain. I carried Beast Boy into the starry night of Nevermore, Rage close in pursuit behind us, but I didn't stop flying there. We needed to escape before Rage could catch us.

I briefly shut my eyes among the chaos and I strained to recognize the environment of my bedroom. It was actually very difficult to remember that we haven't actually left the Tower. We were only in my mind, experiencing both an illusion and reality, but all in all, we were in my bedroom. If I could force myself to remember this, that this was _my_ mind and that _I_ was in control, then surely this would become true.

Because, at that very moment, none of this was true.

Flying at top-speed with Beast Boy in my arms, I started to drone my mantra. Rage seemed to be edging closer behind us. There was the wind in my hair, Beast Boy's grip on my arms, and my indigo cape fluttering behind me: but none of this was actually happening. I was in my bedroom, as I had told myself, and this was only happening in my mind. It's like a dream, like a nightmare, but nothing that could hurt me because it wasn't real; I was only imagining this. I just needed to find a way out. I just needed a way to wake up from the dream, but even as I continued to utter my mantra, nothing significant was happening.

I was growing worried as we continued to fly away from Rage. There was no clear sense of direction in Nevermore and I was getting horribly lost as I adjusted our route in the air, praying to lose our pursuer in the process. However, I was losing hope faster than I was losing distance between us and Rage. I almost contemplated facing her again, maybe fighting her until there really _is_ a winner, but then I heard Beast Boy speak below me.

I couldn't hear him very well with the wind howling in my ears. I called out to him and he didn't answer; instead, he insisted that I did the same. He kept repeating that same phrase over and over again until I started to repeat it as well. We had to shout my mantra to each other in order to be heard. I sensed Rage draw back momentarily and then she roared at the both of us. Beast Boy and I continued to synchronize our words, ignoring the evil Emoticlone behind us, and this led to a remarkable change.

The mental realm around me began to fade and, slowly but surely, I began to sense the aspects of the real world. I felt the cool darkness of my bedroom instead of the darkness of space, and the small flickers of heat from the candles instead of the wind running through my hair. Soon enough, I was shifting over to a calmer setting, one beyond the world of Nevermore, and I pulled Beast Boy along with me on this transition.

We both opened our eyes and inhaled sharply. Beast Boy was lying on his back, hurt from being forcefully dragged out of Nevermore, and I was still levitating in the same position as I had last left my body. For a while, our breaths were the only thing that could be heard. Beast Boy looked around just to be sure we were no longer in Nevermore while I gingerly settled myself onto the floor.

"We made it," said Beast Boy, barely audible.

He stood up and gazed to me at last, expressing relief. I mirrored his reaction and nodded, content with the peace that I had yearned for in Nevermore. Then, as I was getting up from my seat, a massive headache incapacitated me and I fell to the floor with a silent cry.

_Raven…_

"Raven!"

Beast Boy dropped to his knees in front of me. His hands immediately went to my face but I couldn't see him very well. When I opened my eyes, they had started to glow and the light was obstructing my vision. I knew right away who was causing the imbalance because Beast Boy was startled by the colors of the energy I was expelling.

"Raven, are you okay?"

"I- can't see…"

My powers were starting to affect many things about my bedroom. The flames on the candles were blown out due to a delusional breeze; a flask was tipped over, spilling its contents onto the floor; several books flew off of the shelves and they smacked against the wall on the opposite side of the room. Beast Boy was clearly frightened by this and I was too. I actually started to hyperventilate from the pain, but while this was happening, Beast Boy's focus never wandered too far from me. He knew very well that the only way to stop this paranormal activity was to convince me to calm down, especially since I wasn't doing any of these things willingly.

"You're getting too worked up, Raven. This isn't good for you. You gotta take a minute to breathe and you'll be alright."

"No… Rage is…"

"You can fight her, but you need to breathe. You need to relax. Just focus on your breaths. In and out. In and out. Nice and easy. That's it, you got it…"

"Beast Boy-"

"Shhh. Don't talk, Raven. I need you to calm down now. It's gonna be alright. Just breathe…"

Gradually, things about my bedroom stopped moving. Once I was able to control my breathing, Beast Boy helped me sit up and together, we began to meditate. Rage withdrew herself from me as I whispered my mantra with Beast Boy and the headache regressed along with her. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, assuring myself that Nevermore was finally stabilized. We both relaxed a bit.

"Are you okay?" the pea-green boy asked me.

"Yeah," I lied. "I'm fine."

"Are you hurt? Did Rage try to hurt you again?"

"No. I'm just tired."

The green changeling sat back a little and I did the same. The floor was strewn with articles of clothing, furniture had been moved, and new space could be seen on the bookshelves across the room. I could make out Beast Boy's rigid shape in the darkness but we both reached for each other, finding comfort in our close presences.

"Raven, what happened back there? Why did Rage attack you like that in Nevermore?"  
"She wanted me to get angry, Beast Boy," I told him. "She wanted me to use my anger, which would've given her the power she needed to control me, and it took everything I had to stop myself from doing just that."

"She's still in there, isn't she?"

I nodded solemnly. "She's still separated me. I couldn't even suppress her. She just…left when I started to meditate."

"But she didn't leave. She's still in there, Raven. She's still in Nevermore."

"Don't you think I know that?"

"Yeah! So what are you gonna do about it?" he asked. "Shouldn't we meditate or something?"

"We've already done that. It doesn't change anything."

"Well we hafta try _something,_ right? I mean, this isn't good! Maybe- maybe we can read one of your books and-"

"Stop."

"What?"

"Just stop it, okay?" I retorted. "I know that Rage is still out there and I have a lot to do before Nevermore can ever get better, but can't I get a moment's peace?"

Beast Boy relented and he paused so we could both recuperate. However, his frustration was evident and he infected me with it as well.

"Raven, I know you just got back on your feet after all of this‒and believe me, I can't imagine how hard that must've been‒but you can't put this to the side. I don't think it's a good idea. You gotta get to Rage before she gets to you!"

"I know, I know!"

"Are you gonna fight her or what? You can't just left her come to you. You won't be ready for her!"

"I know, Beast Boy! And I will! I will fight her again!"

"Then what's your plan?!"

"I don't know!" I cried, squeezing my eyes shut. "I don't know, okay? I'm so tired, Beast Boy. Fighting her was the hardest thing I've done yet, and I could barely get away from her. I know she could come back at any time and I know I have to be ready for her, but I'm just so tired."

Beast Boy was momentarily at a loss of words. He tightened his grip on my hand and I reciprocated the action, knowing it was Beast Boy who needed to be comforted the most. Although he disapproved of my passive actions, he also understood that I would need a great deal of strength to deal with her, and at that moment, I didn't have any strength to spare.

"What was she like?" he asked softly.

"Unlike anything I could've imagined," I answered. "She was just so _evil_ in there. It was like she _actually_ wanted to hurt me. But she can't do that, can she? She _needs_ me. She wouldn't exist without me or the others so I don't get why she'd try to hurt me."

"Maybe you were right. Maybe she only wanted you to get angry and fighting you is her best option."

"No. It isn't." Beast Boy looked to me quizzically and I shook my head. "Fighting me wasn't what upset me. If she had gone for you, I would've lost it."

Beast Boy was very troubled about the situation, but overall, I was pretty exhausted. After everything that we had went through, I was already dreaming of a nice meal, a hot shower, and a long nap. The conflicts in Nevermore were far from solved, but I knew I needed to rest before I could confront them again. I was in no condition to engage with my most evil Emoticlone just yet. Beast Boy, however, hated the idea of waiting. He wanted to solve this problem before it worsened and, although I was tired, I knew he had a valid point.

"I just don't understand what made her do something so evil," I went on. "I mean, I know she's the representation of my father, but… I don't know. I just didn't think she'd be _that _evil. I thought she'd be different."

"You've had problems with her in the past," Beast Boy explained. "She's always been like this."

"Maybe, or maybe not. Something is really upsetting her and, like Happy and Wisdom and Brave, I have to find a way to bring her back and suppress her."

"You'll have to get angry then, right?"

"But if I do that, then she'll get the upperhand. I can't get angry. I have to do this with as little emotion as possible."

"Will you be okay if you do that?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I don't even know where to begin with this or how I'll ever get Rage back, if I even need her…"

"What do you think would happen if Rage never came back? Do you really think you'll need her?"

"Right now, Rage is the last thing I need in my life. If it weren't for her, maybe none of this would've happened."

Beast Boy seemed unsure of how to respond. Not wanting to talk about it anymore, I told him that I would take his advice and start researching about what to do with Rage. He offered to help me but I refused. I almost didn't want to be near Beast Boy anymore. He had exposed himself to Nevermore and I was regretting it. Now, Rage knew that Beast Boy was my weakness; he can mingle with any of my Emoticlones and cause them to release a wide variety of energy because I felt all of those things towards Beast Boy.

Happiness.

Annoyance.

Shyness.

Pride.

Kindness.

Fervor.

Did I really feel rage towards Beast Boy? Was there really a part of me that hated Beast Boy, even when I also felt all of these good things towards him too?

Despite this, the real problem was that, because Beast Boy could make me feel all these emotions, he was my weakness. If anything ever happened to Beast Boy, I'd be powerless to stop my Emoticlones from rebelling, especially Rage.

I still don't know what's worse: losing Beast Boy or losing my sanity. Either way, if one disappears, the other would disappear as well, and that was a fact.

After what had happened in Nevermore, the first place I looked for answers was in my journal. It had become an unorganized collage of diary entries, elaborate sketches, and hastily scribbled notes to myself. Pages kept tearing and falling out but they were merely shoved back inside, knowing that they were too informative to discard. The book itself seemed like it was held together by a few strings and I feared that if I held it incorrectly or if I turned a page too roughly, the whole thing would fall apart.

It had surely deteriorated over time, and yet, that journal meant the world to me. It was far too valuable to leave the safety of my bedroom and far too valuable to let anyone else handle it. My coal-black journal was delicate, it was personal, it was a piece of my soul, and with it, I knew I could piece together the origin of my amnesia. I just needed to review this primary source for what I was looking for.

Sure enough, after a few minutes of skimming through the pages, I finally found information that I could rely on. One of the first things I've ever written in here was about the first nightmare I've ever had. I could still remember it, but reading my own documentation of the horrid dream had triggered the memories.

1\. A landscape made entirely of rocks (couldn't have been a place on Earth).

2\. I saw a ditch and there was a man in it. I thought he was dead.

3\. When I came close, he grabbed me by the ankle and I couldn't shake it free. I couldn't scream or move either.

4\. He wore a metal mask and had four demon eyes.

5\. He laughed at me and said "It's time to go to sleep" (I know that voice somewhere).

6\. TOO REAL TO BE TRUE

I was starting to see the connections from my dreams to the real world. For that one in particular, I realized that A Living Cadaver had taken place in Nevermore. I recalled how I had seen sun-baked earth in a location that lacked a sun‒in fact, the only source of light was coming from the constellations of bloody stars in the sky, which was another important feature to the dream. This was no doubt a reference to Nevermore. Even though I hadn't known it at the time, I was still able to conjure it from my past memories and it was thrilling to know that this was possible.

As I was rereading my notes, I also happened to recognize the inception of a certain visual quality. The Man in Metal, the one who had grabbed my ankle, had four eyes and they were the same demonic eyes that belonged to Rage. I even cross-checked this revelation with another dream of mine, the one called Rooftop Fire, and he was seen in a similar fashion: a metallic suit and a metallic mask, complete with two pairs of seething eyes.

But was it true? Did he have those eyes in real life or was it merely a reference to Rage? It was obvious now that my mind was jumbled. It could be confusing some memories for others, but I had hope for myself. If I was able to remember something, then surely I could remember something else too.

Desperate for more answers, I ransacked my library for other places to gather information. There were books describing all of the different emotions a person could express, novels about the history of meditation throughout many cultures, and scrolls that could teach anyone to manage their mental state. I thought that any topic pertaining to controlling emotions could be beneficial, but it was difficult to find new knowledge. I didn't have any books about my species or Nevermore or even my astral abilities. My efforts to understand my problems seemed fruitless and I didn't think no other source could help me.

At least, until I remembered that there was one book that had taught me almost everything I know today.

I grabbed my Book of Azar from my nightstand and plopped onto my bed. I flipped through its many pages, scouring over the mystical text for clues. The words were hard to decipher and not all images had legible captions, but eventually, I came upon a section that intrigued me. My Book of Azar had become a textbook for me to use quite often and I found that many of the subjects mentioned in here were somehow related to me. Starfire told me once that it was given to me by a close individual of my former life‒one who I considered to be family‒and only now was I starting to believe her.

I had found a section in my Book of Azar that classified all sorts of characters, letters, and symbols in a satanic language. Each of them was complete with a picture and a description of their meaning. As I read on, I saw many signs that were very familiar, some of which I could translate, but when I turned onto the next page, nothing could've prevented my heart from leaping out of its cage.

There, in its own classification away from the other alphabets, was a symbol that stood out from the rest. It was written in a thick, red ink that stained the handcrafted paper and its edges were blotchy, akin to the splatter of blood. I took out a pencil and I copied the artwork from the ancient text into my journal. A sloppy recreation of it appeared the same page that I had written about my latest experience in Nevermore and when I was finished, I sat back in wonder.

I had no doubt that it was the same insignia. I had seen it on Rage's forehead while I was fighting her in Nevermore and now I was positive that Rage shouldn't have had it. From what little I could interpret in my Book of Azar, I learned that it was directly associated with my father, the one who bestowed this demonic heritage upon my life. That symbol was the representation of Trigon and the only instance it would ever appear is if a great presence of evil was nearby.

I could only imagine just how evil a part of me would have to be in order for the insignia to be permanently burned into Rage's skin.

* * *

**Author's Note:** So, one year ago, I totally messed up the First Anniversary of _Amnesia_. But, guess what… the Second Anniversary of _Amnesia _will be on April 29th! *muffled screaming in distance* I might try to do something special, maybe an earlier post? I guess we'll see…

I plan to post again in two weeks everybody! I got a lot going on, but I'm up for the challenge! I can't wait to hear from you guys again :) Goodbye!


	50. Enough is Enough

**Author's Note:** Hey everybody. I'd like to apologize about posting later than usual. It really upsets me when I mess up my schedule and you wouldn't believe everything I'm going through. I don't think posting was as much of a problem these past two years but Senior Year is killing me in more ways than one. As much as I love writing _Amnesia_, school and sports must come first, even though it pains me to say that. And honestly, I don't know about these upcoming weeks because I have AP testing, job training, water polo games, projects and presentations for classes, and don't forget the bigger things of Senior year: prom and graduation. Again, I'll keep trying to update as soon as I can, hopefully every two weeks, because I don't have much longer before college and I want to post as much as I can before then.

On a lighter note, I have a few comments to answer!

**sliceshadow: **Glad to hear you're liking it! And now I got another piping-hot chapter, fresh from the oven and ready to serve :) I hope you enjoy it!

**DRON261095:** Thank you! I'm very flattered by your comment! I will definitely keep up with the work and I'm very excited to keep posting. Happy reading!

**Santoramon:** Yet again, you're starting to suggest some ideas that will be implemented pretty soon :) Yes, the Beast will make an appearance eventually in _Amnesia_, but it will be while from now, so stay tuned! (And I'm really sorry that I haven't read your work yet, but I haven't forgotten! I will get to it as soon as I can, so until then, keep working on it!)

**RachelGarfield12: **WOOOOO PARTYYYY! I'm very excited about the Second Anniversary of _Amnesia_ too :D The end of this story is in sight, but I will be updating it frequently so I can revise the chapters, so my work isn't finished. And also, I will have an epilogue ready as soon as I finish revising _Amnesia _as a whole, so there's plenty of story left :) I hope you enjoy what's next to come!

**Allen Blaster: **Your predictions never cease to amaze me, Adam! But, of course, I can see why. Brilliant writers like you love drama and suspense, and it definitely shows in your writing as well! Yes, all clues are leading up to Slade, but what exactly happened? What did he do to Raven that made her this way? What does this have to do with Rage and what are Slade's intentions? What about the lie? What about Raven's amnesia? So many questions, and about ten chapters are left. I'm sure you can figure this out using that big ol' brain of yours :) Happy reading!

**CrashingxWaves:** Haha thank you! Best comment on _Amnesia_ that I've received so far XD

And that should be all the comments! Remember, I'm open for suggestions, requests, and ideas for _Amnesia_ and if you'd like to help out even more, please PM me and answer a few questions! It would only take a minute and it would be tremendously helpful :) Thanks again!

**A Previous Summary: **While visiting Nevermore with Beast Boy, Rage appears before them. She has a strange insignia on her forehead and before Raven can consider it, Rage starts to attack. Raven doesn't have the energy to fight. She resists Rage's pleas for power and flees with Beast Boy in her arms. However, after leaving Nevermore, Raven's head swells with Rage and Beast Boy has to help her meditate. Beast Boy is very insistent on doing something about Rage, but Raven feels too tired to do anything except some research. She pulls out her journal and reviews her notes. Her dreams are beginning to make a little more sense, but something shocks her as she's reading her Book of Azar. The evil insignia on Rage's forehead is directly associated with Trigon and there seems to be no logical explanation as to why Rage would have it.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 50: _Enough is Enough_

I did a few more hours of research before I finally called it a night. It had been quite a day, filled with fighting crime in Steel City and fighting Rage in Nevermore, and my powers were depleted. I knew very well that without sleep, I wouldn't be productive. I could hardly focus on what I was reading anymore and so I decided to go to sleep.

The only problem was that a part of me didn't want to sleep.

I was jerked awake about an hour after I had put myself to bed. The sheets around me were dampened from fresh sweat and I sat up, struggling to grasp reality. For a moment, I had completely forgotten that I was in my bed. I could've sworn that I had been someplace else, a place I had never seen before‒at least, a place I couldn't recall ever seeing. The clock on my nightstand informed me that it was only 2:42 a.m. and I slowly gathered my senses. With a heavy sigh, I settled back into bed and shut my eyes, only to reopen them not 30 minutes later.

I had a clearer picture of the place I had seen when I dreamt about it a second time. Of course, I still couldn't recognize it because, while I had been there before, I surely didn't remember it. I was seated on the cement floor of an abandoned building. I couldn't see very well and the only source of light came from a lightbulb dangling above my head. It swayed in small circles, almost mesmerizingly, while darkness festered all around me. I was awfully claustrophobic but, despite how cornered I felt, the room was actually very big. If I stepped into the surrounding darkness, it would've swallowed me whole. All there was to see was just cold, empty space, except for the singular presence that appeared behind me at that last moment.

My heart raced as I replayed the scene over and over again. The one thing that struck me was the sound of a clock put into work, a rather large one indeed. Although I couldn't see them, I knew that massive gears were churning overhead, their vibrations causing the dangling light to sway. I could hear metal clinking against each other, notches slotting into place among a puzzle of gears, and wires being plucked like the strings of a violin. And, above all, I could hear the rhythmic ticking of the clock itself.

My pulse had matched the _tick tick tick_ of the clockwork mechanism, until my fear began to consume me. Soon enough, my heart was beating faster than the clock itself, but it wasn't just that. Every _tick_ of the clock dragged as time slowed down. The darkness closed in and a presence behind me drew nearer. There was a flash, a whirl of motion, and then I was awake.

It was just another dream.

I didn't have a chance to turn around, but I had a pretty good idea on who I would've seen if I had. The Metal Man was no stranger to me, although I couldn't recall ever meeting such an entity. He chases me around in my mind, through my thoughts and dreams, and I could never get a break from him. It seemed like he was always reaching for me, always advancing towards me. His four, red eyes never left focus from mine and I wondered what would happened if he ever got close enough to touch me. The Metal Man kept extending his hand towards me and to the same location every time: the chakra on my forehead.

The same location as the burning mark upon Rage's forehead.

All of this consideration about the Metal Man was very thought-provoking and soon enough, something stirred in Nevermore. The emotion I was experiencing‒confusion, doubt, wonder‒was starting to affect my Emoticlones and someone wasn't all too happy about it. It was only a matter of time before I would feel her again and so I kicked the sticky sheets away, sat up, and began to levitate.

Meditating seemed to be the logical method to deal with Rage, but my efforts were ultimately fruitless. I could feel the urge every so often, the compelling need to express my anger, and resisting it seemed unlikely; preventing it was impossible. My body gagged and retched whenever Rage tried to contact me. She clawed and gnawed at my insides during her fits of anger and all I could do was strain against my own feral instincts. It was clear that meditation wasn't helping me as much as it should. Only time could tempt her to withdraw, but I would still have to endure the anger she brings.

After a few more minutes of worthless meditating, Rage had calmed down enough for me to relax a little. I allowed myself float back onto the mattress. There was no way I could sleep with Rage cooing to me and even if I used any of my personal elixirs to help with remaining asleep, I knew that she would find a way to wake me up. She had done it before, but I just couldn't understand how far Rage was willing to go in order to contact me.

_Why is she doing this to me now?_ I wondered. _Can't she just leave me alone?_

My Emoticlones feel what I feel and, likewise, I feel what my Emoticlones feel. They can encourage emotion onto me and I can encourage emotion onto them. It's a mutual relationship, one that can be balanced, but all it takes is one rebellious Emoticlone to tip the scale. Surely, I had thought, Rage could sense how upset I was, and surely she'd be feeling the same, but why doesn't this stop her? What makes her so different from everybody else?

Even though Rage had been a problem in the past, I knew something had changed in her.

Suddenly worried, I reached for my journal and pencil, turned to the next blank page, and started to write. My pencil wove across the paper as I tried to capture everything that I could remember, every little detail from what I had experienced, which wasn't an easy task. I had a horrible tendency of forgetting my dreams as soon as I woke up and this was the reason why my journal wasn't any thicker: the only dreams I could vividly remember was A Living Cadaver and Rooftop Fire, and now, in addition to those, my newest dream Pocket Watch.

The three dreams that meant the most to me. The three dreams that I knew meant something about me, the truth about my amnesia, and what had happened prior to it. Together, they just might be what I needed all along, if only I could ever decipher their true meaning.

* * *

I spent the rest of the night attempting to figure this out. Like a student researching for a paper, I divulged into any available resource I could find to come up with an answer for my amnesia. I rummaged through the books in my library, searched my closet for forgotten belongings, and tried to unearth a connection between my dreams, all of which I documented in my journal for later reference.

I came up with a few possible ideas, one being that my dreams were foretelling the future. It was possible that the reason why I didn't know about any of these events is because they haven't occurred yet. Starfire did teach me a little about my abilities to control time and Robin confirmed for me that I could receive visions or bad vibes from people, almost as a warning. Perhaps my dreams were only predicting the future, or maybe even warning me of what's to come if I continue towards my fate.

Another idea was that these dreams actually occurred in the past. I theorized that although I didn't know about these events prior to the dreams, that doesn't mean they didn't happen. My amnesia took many things away from my life and memories of similar events to these could be another fatality. Maybe I was starting to remember these memories again without even knowing it. They very well could be the aftershock to my amnesia and they could be temporary, meaning that with time for healing and recovery, my memories would return.

This was the best idea I could come up with, but it wasn't the most logical.

My last theory was that there was no correlation between my dreams and reality at all. If anything, I knew that dreams could twist your thoughts, emotions, and memories into whatever you loved, into whatever you feared, into whatever you wanted without consent. Maybe my dreams really didn't mean anything. They didn't make much sense anyway and I couldn't think of any comparisons between either of them. Maybe none of my dreams were true and I was only scaring myself even more than I should be scared. After all, is it possible for these horrid depictions to occur in the past or in the future?

There are only so many ways to find out…

This endeavor to come up with an answer for my amnesia wasn't easy and even though I refused to fall asleep, that doesn't mean I didn't feel tired. I left my bedroom several times during the night so I could maintain consciousness. I went to the bathroom to splash my face with cool water, walked laps around the Tower, and frequently visited the kitchen to grab a mug of herbal tea. It didn't have the caffeine I needed to stay awake, but the warm beverage proved to be most efficient at keeping me focused as I continued to study. I ended up drinking three whole cups in a matter of hours and by the time I went up to fill up my mug once again, I was surprised to see another Titan in the Main Ops room.

"Morning, Raven."

Cyborg had been seated at the computer across the room and he swiveled in his chair to greet me. I muttered my reply, showing disinterest to the conversation. The machine whirred as another cup of herbal tea was brewed and I watched it thoughtfully, not really thinking about it in particular. Cyborg rose from his seat and walked towards me.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. Sorry. I'm not in the best of moods."

"Really? Had a bad night?"

"In simplest terms, yes. A very bad night…"

I withdrew my mug and inhaled the sweet, vanilla scent of the tea. I sipped it cautiously because it was still hot, but I didn't mind how it burned my tongue. The pain helped keep me awake.

"Well," Cyborg went on. "Why don't we do something to cheer you up? We could get some pizza and frozen yogurt later tonight and watch a movie on the big screen. Whaddya say? Sound fun?"

"Thanks, but I'll pass, Cyborg. I'm not really hungry for pizza."

"Then how about we order chinese food?"

"No, it's fine," I told him. "I don't want anything."

"Are you sure? Maybe a little food in your system could help."

"Yeah, I get it, but I'm okay. Thanks anyway."

I started walking back to the door, cradling my mug of herbal tea in my hands. Cyborg called after me and he said that if I changed my mind later, he would get me whatever I wanted to eat. I knew he was only trying to be nice but I politely dismissed him again. The door slid shut behind me and I was off to my bedroom before anyone else could convince me otherwise.

Time seemed to stretch as I poured over the ancients texts in my room. Those next few days became repetitive and uneventful, each day indifferentiable from the next. It was always the same: I would study, get up to drink herbal, study, have a bathroom break, study some more, maybe steal another snack from the kitchen, and then I'd study and study and study. I fell asleep on occasion‒when you read the same things over and over again, you tend to nod off‒but dreams occurred frequently and although they weren't all nightmares, I was still anxious to ever experience them.

In all honesty, I did get bored at times. I wanted an answer for my amnesia, but trying to solve a problem without making any progress is very detrimental to a person's health. My back ached from laying down all the time and the dark circles under my eyes stood out, more than usual, against my fair skin. It was a mundane task and the most interesting thing that had happened within that span of time was that I skipped a mission.

Normally whenever the alarm goes off throughout the Tower, I would jump to my feet and report to the Main Ops room for a briefing. Missions were an exciting part about being a Titan, but when my T-communicator buzzed today, I barely reacted to it. I was so indulged in my journal, adding little notes and corrections to my entries, that I didn't respond to anything. I only snapped to attention when I heard someone knocking on my door.

"Rae? Aren't ya coming?" the green changeling asked. "Everybody's waiting up there for ya."

"Just go on without me, Beast Boy."

"What? Why?"

"I'm not in a good mood right now so I won't be of any help. It's best I stay back."

Beast Boy was quiet for a moment before he said, "is it a Nevermore thing?"

"Yeah. Exactly."

He was obviously taken back about my refusal to join them, but he respected my judgement. After all, going on a mission right now wouldn't have benefitted anyone except the criminal, who would have exploited my condition in order to get away. As much as I hated it, it was the right thing to do.

"Alright… We'll be back soon, okay? Just hang tight 'till then."

"Okay. I will."

Beast Boy lingered for a moment and then he took off down the corridor. I had sensed his concern when I confessed to the problem and, for a moment, Beast Boy debated whether or not he should stay back with me. Although he was conflicted, he knew that he had a duty to fulfill and whatever was happening in Jump City made everyone antsy to get out there and fight. I would've felt worse if Beast Boy decided to stay back anyway.

As promised, he and the others returned again as the day came to a close. Beast Boy wanted to come into my room and talk to me personally, but I denied him. I still wasn't feeling so good, especially since I hadn't had a solid night of sleep in several days, and I didn't want Beast Boy to see me with my sunken eyes and messy hair. I only agreed to communicate with him through my bedroom door and he complied wholeheartedly.

Beast Boy talked about his problems as an attempt for me to forget about mine. Apparently, the alert the Titans had received led them to a remote location in the city and the only villain in the general vicinity was Plasmus. However, as soon as they showed up, he immediately tried to flee. The Titans spent a good amount of time tracking him down and trying to stop him, but in the end, Plasmus got away. They were all really upset about their failure and Beast Boy was even more upset upon hearing about my struggles.

I couldn't hold anymore secrets against the green changeling anymore and so I eventually told him about everything. I told him about my recent dreams, about my fear to sleep, and how difficult it had become for me to use my powers. Beast Boy insisted that he should help me, but we both knew this was beyond our control. I hadn't made any progress these past few days, aside from filling more pages in my journal, and it felt like I had hit a deadend. My Emoticlones were feeling just as frustrated as I was and I didn't think there was anything I could do. We simply sat on opposite sides of the door, hoping to hear each other's voice, hoping that one of us would have the hope for a better future, but neither of us would address it.

"I'm tired, Beast Boy," I said. "I'm just so tired of all this."

"Do you think-?"

"No," I finished. "And I don't know how much longer I can take it."

We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity before Beast Boy finally excused himself to go to bed. He suggested that I should do the same, saying that I needed it the most, but I didn't acknowledge him. I closed my eyes and held an ear against the cool, metal surface of the door. Beast Boy hesitated another moment in the hallway, feeling utterly disappointed. Whether he was disappointed in me or disappointed in himself, I didn't know. The last thing I heard was his footsteps fading down the hallway and then everything was quiet.

I didn't realize that I had fallen asleep until I woke up from the immense pain. I was still seated at the base of my bedroom door, the same spot I was in as I was talking with Beast Boy, and then my eyes snapped open suddenly‒in fact, _many_ eyes of mine snapped open. Blindly, I stumbled to my feet, making it only a few yards across the room before I landed back on the ground. My hands held my face as a deep, guttural voice pleaded to me from within my own subconscious.

I knew that falling asleep was a risk and I had been careful to keep myself awake those past few days. However, it didn't even register to me that I was in danger at the time. Talking with Beast Boy reminded me just how tired I was. I was tired of fighting Rage, tired of fighting myself, and for a brief moment, I didn't care how I tired I was. I made the mistake of dozing off, allowing myself to be completely vulnerable to the fluctuations of Nevermore, and now, I was suffering the consequences.

Rage had made her appearance yet again.

"NO!" I howled. "NO! STOP IT! STOP!"

I didn't want to hear her anymore. I didn't want to feel her anymore, but I was getting more and more upset as she tried to contact me. I screamed to drown her voice. I screamed for her to leave me alone. I screamed and screamed and screamed until Rage had no choice but to retreat.

"ENOUGH OF THIS! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! NO MORE!"

My cries resonated within the Tower, echoing against its reinforced walls. As I regained my composure from the episode, my neighbor stirred in the bedroom beside mine. Starfire was at the door about a minute later, desperately knocking and calling out my name. She managed to unlock it and she flew inside with superhuman speed, but the room was empty. I was already long gone.

* * *

Cyborg burst through the elevator doors as soon as they had opened. He punched in a combination, entered the Infirmary, and came to an abrupt halt. We instantly made eye-contact and Cyborg exhaled, relieved to have found me sitting on one of the gurneys. I knew someone would have found me eventually. Starfire surely told him what had happened earlier into the night‒although one could infer what had happened after hearing my screams‒and this sent everyone into a panic. My T-communicator had gone off several times in hopes of reaching me but I had removed it from my brooch and set it aside. I was too tired to answer their calls.

"Hi, Cyborg," I croaked.

"Raven," he said, trying to hide his anxiety. "Hey. What are ya doing in here?"

"I need your help."

There was a lot of uncertainty in Cyborg upon hearing my request. He knew that I was sleep-deprived, however he didn't want to take such drastic measures just yet. He encouraged me to pursue another option. The mechanical man wanted me to take a walk outside, to drink some herbal tea, maybe even dwell in Beast Boy's room for the night so I could have some company, but I refused the other remedies. I didn't stop asking Cyborg for his help until he eventually gave in and gave me what I wanted.

A sterile needle was imbedded into the flesh on my left arm and an IV stand was wheeled over to my bedside. Cyborg hung a bag of nutrient-rich solution on the IV stand, which was directly fed into me through the plastic tubing, and then he went over to the cabinets and drawers to search for a new syringe.

I shivered when I felt the morphine enter my vein. The sensation of the medication mingling with my own fluids was breathtaking, something that I knew all too well and was all too fond of. The mechanical man had used a higher dosage, though he seemed very nervous as he injected it into my system. It had been a long time since I had relied on it in order to sleep so he was worried about the possible repercussions.

Cyborg stepped back with the empty syringe and nodded once he had finished. I was already beginning to feel the effects of the medication, causing a small smile to play on my lips.

"Thank you," I told him and then I closed my eyes and embraced the oncoming, dreamless slumber.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I got really nostalgic towards the end of this… I went back and reread some of what I wrote over two years ago and I almost cried‒my writing was so horrible! All of the big words and descriptions I used… My goodness I was cringing (I can't wait to revise those chapters once _Amnesia _is completely published) but I'll admit: it was nice to revisit the past. I've changed a lot since then and I've learned from the good (and that one critical) comments that I've received.

Two. Freaking. Years.

I've been writing writing _Amnesia_ for two years.

And I don't have that much time left…

Well, that's all I got for now! Please stay safe, keep working hard in school, and wish your mothers a Happy Mother's Day. I hope to see everyone soon!


	51. Breaking News

**Author's Note:** Good morning everybody! It's Mother's Day today and I'll be super busy spending time with my family all day, so I wanted to get a head start and post a new chapter! I'm especially happy because I followed my two-week schedule (that's always a plus)! So before we get to the nitty-gritty, here's a few comments:

**RachelGarfield12:** One piping-hot chapter coming right up! Thanks again for waiting. I know my posts have been very irregular lately, but I appreciate your patience. I hope you really enjoy it! :)

**Santoramon: **That is definitely something that I've considered doing for _Amnesia_, but trust me, you'll love how I end this story. And stay tuned! The next chapter will be dedicated to you for all the help you've done for me and for all of your interesting ideas! _Amnesia_ wouldn't be the same without awesome readers like you :) Happy reading!

**DRON261095: **Thank you so much for the kind words. Yes, two years is a long time, and I wouldn't be posting it if weren't for kind readers like you. We will be getting some more BB/Rae moments in the next chapter (and I'm excited to write it) so stay tuned! It might be another wait, and I hate making you guys wait, but I'll make sure it's worth your while :) Enjoy the chapter!

**TheUltimateStar:** Hello! I don't know how long it'll take for you read this reply (especially since this is Chapter 51 and you're on Chapter 4 I assume) but I'm very flattered by your comments. I'm glad to see that you're interested in _Amnesia_ and I hope you'll get to read more of it. Keep me updated as you go! :)

And that's all the comments I've received! Remember, _Amnesia_ is open to suggestions, requests, and ideas in the comments, all of which has helped improved this story as a whole. I always appreciate your input! :) Now get to reading!

**A Previous Summary:** As Raven is determined to find answers for her amnesia, she begins to experience nightmares. She can't sleep for more than a few hours without waking up from a dream and Raven wonders if these dreams truly mean anything, or if they're only happening to scare her. Since she's very tired, she decides to stay back at the Tower while the other Titans pursue a mission. Beast Boy is upset that Raven isn't participating as much anymore so he talks to her as soon as he returns from the mission. Neither of them seem to have hope for the future, and because Raven is so distraught, the next time she wakes up from another nightmare, she is forced to go to the Infirmary for Cyborg's help. Morphine is the only way Raven can sleep in peace.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 51: _Breaking News_

The morphine worked better for me than I could've imagined. While sleeping was still dangerous to do, the morphine actually prevented me from dreaming so I wouldn't be disturbed by the complications in Nevermore. I slept soundly all night and the next morning, I woke up without a complaint. In fact, I was practically beaming with energy and confidence. Cyborg was pleased with the results of the medication as well. He returned to the Infirmary around nine o'clock, bearing a hearty tray of breakfast, to assess my condition.

"Feelin' any better?"

"Definitely," I said around a mouthful of toast. "I can't remember the last time I slept like that."

"Well that's the good news," he told me. "The bad news is I can't keep giving you that stuff. We gotta get your body functioning as it should be without the drugs."

"And how are you going to do that?"

"By giving you more drugs, of course…"

Cyborg knew that I needed to be able to sleep on my own. Relying on morphine to sleep‒even though it was very helpful‒could ruin my immune system, possibly making me feel worse than I was before. With that in mind, Cyborg prescribed another medicine for me to take every night.

Melatonin pills were the next best thing, as Cyborg had explained, because melatonin is already being regulated in my body. By increasing the amount of it, it should help me fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer, despite the fact that Nevermore was still fairly unstable. Another benefit to this was that the medication was temporary. I shouldn't have to take many doses of it in order to become comfortable with sleeping on my own and I hoped that Nevermore would improve by then as well.

"This is for you," the mechanical man said, handing me a small bottle of pills. "If you're ever feeling restless, take one capsule with some water and that should help you fall asleep. We have a few extra bottles of that stuff in the closet, but I'm sure you'll be better soon enough."

"Thank you," I said and I held my arms out to Cyborg. He was momentarily confused, but then he happily leaned down and returned the gesture. I laughed into him as we awkwardly hugged. "Thank you so much, Cyborg. I feel a lot better already."

"Yeah, but don't be too quick on getting back on your feet. I talked with the others and they want you to rest for today. You can hang out in here until you're ready to come out, and holler if you need anything else."

"Okay, I will. Thanks again."

"You're welcome, Raven."

Cyborg left the Infirmary to give me some privacy. I ate the rest of my toast and herbal tea fairly quickly and then I began to meditate on the gurney. It took a long time before any of my Emoticlones dared to answer me. I knew they were there, I knew Rage was listening, but none of them wanted to speak with me.

_Raven._

"Wisdom, I need your advice."

_There is not much wisdom I can give, Raven. My knowledge only extends to the length of yours._

"I know, but I need someone to talk to. I need someone to be here with me."

_Raven, Rage is still out there._

"I know that already!"

_Then you must know that this is dangerous! You are connecting with Nevermore without your mirror, without the protection of your spells. You have not defeated her yet and she could contact you again at any time!_

"Then _you_ must know that I need your help! Don't you think you guys should help me anyway?"

_We are helping you, Raven,_ said an affectionate voice. _We are giving you the energy and power you need to resist her. That's how we're helping you._

"Yeah, but it's not enough. I need everyone to help me suppress her. I need to know what I should do."

_We don't have the answers! We can't tell you anymore than what you already know. Rage has somehow been unleashed in Nevermore and now everything is unstable. We're doing what we can, but there's not much to do anyway._

I refused to believe Affection's words. My Emoticlones seemed defeated, unmotivated to rebel against Rage's attacks. It was like they didn't want to fight her and they had already accepted that there was nothing they could do, that there was nothing they _would_ do if they had the opportunity. Even with my diverse personality, I felt like nobody was on my side.

"Where's Lust and Calm?" I demanded aloud.

_We are here, Raven, _Calm answered.

"Good. Now can you two please explain this to me? Why didn't tell you tell me about Rage? Why don't you understand how this is happening? Why isn't anybody doing anything to help me?!"

_We tried to warn you,_ Lust pleaded. _We didn't think you would go into Nevermore looking for us._

"Yeah? Well thanks for that. Now Rage is on the loose and I can't get to her, but she can get to me. In case you hadn't noticed, she's still trying to reach me! I can barely sleep with her hounding my mind all the time!"

_We know! And we're so sorry. We want to help, Raven, but there's nothing else we can do for you._

"Why?!"

_Because this is your fight,_ Calm articulated quite clearly.

"It should be _our_ fight!"

_NO. This is YOUR fight, Raven._

"This can't be all _my_ fault!" I cried. "I never asked for Rage to be doing all this! I never wanted her to do this in the first place!"

_We never said it was your fault, and it certainly is not your fault either. But this is YOUR fight, Raven. This is your mind, this is your body. You are the reason why we exist and you must own this fact. It is you who must resolve this problem._

"What am I supposed to do?"

_You are supposed to do what you would normally do when one of us refuses to be suppressed; you need to suppress Rage._

"I can't do this."

_She may seem powerful now, but she is nothing without your anger. It is the same for all us. You only need to figure out how to isolate her, how to take away the power she is emanating, and then she will be connected with Nevermore once again. All of your troubles derive from Rage. If you find a way to suppress her, she will not cause you anymore trouble._

I started to shake my head in denial. Calm spoke a little more forcefully to me, emphasizing her point, but it only worried me more. I didn't think I could do this on my own.

"I- I can't," I mumbled. "I can't suppress her."

_Yes, yes you can!_ Calm told me. _Rage is simply a part of you, Raven. She can't hurt you without hurting herself as well._

"Then why does it seem like she's trying to hurt me? Why is she still going after me?"

_It's the power she wants,_ Lust explained. _It's your anger she's going after, but you have the power to not give it to her. You can fight back. She is you, but only a small percentage of the real you, of who you are as a whole. You can do this. You can figure this out._

"No. I can't do this alone. She's too strong…"

_You are certainly not alone, _Wisdom spoke up against the heated discussion.

_You have us,_ Affection chimed in. _You have ALL of us._

_Raven, I offer you my wisdom. May it guide you through this time of peril._

_And I offer you my affection. Let your heart be opened to the problems of the world._

_I offer you my courage, _Brave declared suddenly. _Use it to face your fears._

_I offer you my joy,_ said Happy.

_I offer you my hope,_ said Timid.

_I offer you my audacity,_ said Rude

And on and on and on it went.

Each of my Emoticlones stepped forward to present themselves to me. I received their grace, their cooperation, and as they did so, the weight compressing my mind began to alleviate. Everyone had something to offer me, even Sloth, who claimed that her apathy would also be beneficial in defeating Rage since I wouldn't be "as worried" anymore. One by one, they gave me their submission and my heart swelled with emotion.

_There is no need to feel alone, Raven,_ Wisdom confirmed at last. _We are here for you and we will stay here for you. Your mind is your greatest ally: together, we shall fight as one._

"Thank you," I croaked. A single tear slipped past my shut eyes and my bottom lip trembled. "Thank you so much."

_Working together is the only way to achieve peace, _said Calm. _One can only wonder the length of time it shall take for Rage to realize this as well…_

"I just hope it isn't too long."

My Emoticlones wordlessly agreed.

* * *

I was still meditating when Robin entered the Infirmary about an hour later. Even though I had been expecting someone to visit me eventually, I was still surprised to see the masked boy so suddenly. He politely asked for my attention and I complied, settling myself onto the gurney. I told him that I was planning on talking to him later anyway but Robin told me that is wasn't necessary.

"What do you mean? What's going on?"

"We got an emergency," he replied.

"Really?" I asked, reeling at his response. "Where?"

"It's in the city. We're getting ready to go now but I wanted to talk with you briefly before then."

"Okay. How can I help?"

"We want you to be safe, alright?" said Robin. "Stay inside, don't let anybody into the Tower, and keep your T-communicator on you. There's plenty of food upstairs in the fridge if you get hungry, but try not to run around too much. We want you to rest as much as you can."

"Are you sure you don't want my help?"

"Yeah, we're sure. You don't need to worry about it. We got it covered."

"Robin, what's going on? Is someone in danger?"

"It's alright, Raven. It's just standard protocol."

"But it doesn't sound _good_," I stressed to him.

"Look, we're not gonna be here for a while. We're taking precautions because you'll be alone in the Tower."

"I've been alone before."

"Alright, then you'll know what to do. If you see anyone, if anything happens, you know you can call us immediately and we'll be here right away. We're putting the Tower on lockdown while we're gone so if the alarm goes off, get somewhere safe. Don't try to fight anyone on your own: fly away if you have to. Got it?"

"Yeah," I breathed. "I understand."

Robin visibly softened. I knew he never meant to hurt my feelings, but it was very important that his orders were followed. Robin was actually more concerned than I was and the last thing he wanted was for his worries to come true.

"We'll be back soon," he said. "Just stay low and try to get some rest."

"Okay. I will, Robin."

"Good. We'll see ya later."

The masked Titan hurried out of the room and the door slid shut behind him. I anxiously waited another minute in the gurney. A small alarm went off and all of the outside doors and windows were simultaneously locked, sealing me into the building. My T-communicator beeped, informing me that the Tower was safe and secure, but I still trembled from fright.

None of it had made any sense. Normally when the Titans had a mission, an alarm would go off throughout the Tower. Everyone would be able to hear it, whether they were inside the building or out of it, and they would report to the Main Ops room for a briefing. However, no such thing had occurred. Robin said he got an emergency call, suggesting that it was a mission, but I was smart enough to know it wasn't any ordinary call. If it was a mission, I would've received the same alert, and if it was an emergency, Robin wouldn't have spent as much time telling me about it as he had did.

Another thing that intrigued me was how Robin explained the situation to me. I had been alone before in the Tower before. I was left alone in the building when I didn't trust the Titans and when they didn't trust me, so why was this time any different? Why did Robin feel it was necessary to reiterate all of the precautions that I already knew to me? Why was he more concerned about leaving me alone now than he was months ago?

If anything, it was more of a risk to leave me alone back then, or so I had thought.

I didn't last very long in the Infirmary. I tried to meditate again to pass the time but it felt pointless and unproductive, especially since I couldn't think of anything else to discuss with my Emoticlones. Everything seemed relatively normal so once again, I had to deal with the boredom of being alone, and I didn't want to spend that time sitting in the gurney.

I got up from the gated cot and padded softly into the elevator, where I rode it up a few levels. I observed my surroundings as I walked down the hallway, seeing that nothing had really changed since the last time I was alone in Titans Tower. It was just as still and as quiet as I had remembered, something that I wasn't quite used to. While I do enjoy my solitude, the situation was more unsettling than satisfying. It was even creepier when I noticed that all of the windows were heavily darkened, a presumed side-effect from the lockdown sequence.

_I guess the Titans wanted to be sure that nobody knew I was home alone,_ I thought to myself.

In the bathroom, I switched on the hot water and stripped from my dirty uniform. I showered for a good half hour, washing and rinsing repeatedly in order to get the stink from the previous couple nights off of my body. My hair was combed and my dirty uniform was replaced with a fresh one from my closet. Once I had finished, I boarded the elevator again to go to the Main Ops room, craving some food to eat.

I heated up the leftover pizza from the fridge for lunch and settled down onto the crescent-shaped couch. The projector illuminated the large, darkened glass pane and I started flipping through the channels, hoping to find a suitable TV show to watch. I didn't notice it at first because I wasn't really paying attention to what I was seeing.

I chewed my pizza thoughtfully as I clicked the buttons on the remote, uninterested in many of daytime programs. But as I started sifting through the entire TV guide, I passed many news channels that were doing live reports. Upon closer inspection, I realized that they were all reporting the same news‒news that had our name written all over it.

BREAKING NEWS: STARFIRE OF THE TEEN TITANS TO FACE TRIAL

"Starfire, an alien from the distant planet Tamaran, has just arrived to Jump City Court where she will face trial for alleged crimes against Jump City's citizens."

An image of Starfire appeared in the bottom corner of the screen. It was taken in the heat of the moment, as she was energizing her hands with starbolts, and the photo was most likely snapped during one of our missions. The female news reporter continued to narrate for all those who were unaware of this illicit event. I was one of them.

"Just a couple months prior, Jump City faced one of its worst threats yet when a hero turned villain in the course of a night. Locals were awakened when a brutal fight broke out between the beloved Teen Titans in the city and the results were catastrophic."

The newscast began to show a collage of photos and videos that were taken at the scene of the crime. Many of them weren't the best quality, most likely shot by the cameras of cell phones by witnesses, but the synopsis was clear. The windows of shops were shattered, fire hydrants were uprooted, garbage cans were tipped over, and those weren't the worst of it. Someone also managed to capture the photo of an overturned vehicle with flat tires, missing doors, and a broken satellite dish beside it. Surely if any passengers had been inside the vehicle during the wreck, they would've suffered severe injuries. Eventually, the female news reporter appeared again.

"The Teen Titans, teenaged superheroes aligned with the Justice League, took full responsibility of the incident. They issued a public apology and spent several weeks isolating one of their fellow teammates, but Sharon Shole of JCN refused to let these matters rest. Shole filed a suit against the Teen Titans and they were brought to court with Starfire to represent the damage that had been done to Jump City. Now, she and her teammates stand trial and await the jury's final decision, but the evidence that was recovered may be what finds Starfire and the Teen Titans guilty of their charges."

I turned off the projector before I could hear anymore of the newscast. I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset. I was simply shocked beyond a response of any kind.

* * *

It was another few hours before the Titans finally returned; the indicator to this was when I heard the lockdown sequence get overturned and the windows became transparent again, flooding the Main Ops room in natural light. I hadn't moved from my spot on the couch. My pizza had gone cold and was left half-eaten on the coffee table. Everyone strolled into the room, talking quietly amongst themselves, and they were startled when I stood up to greet them.

"Raven?" Cyborg said, catching himself. "You're up. Thought you'd still be in the Infirmary."

I walked away from the couch and stood at the edge of the kitchen. The Titans filed into the room and went about their business. Robin and Starfire were shuffling towards another exit while Cyborg began to rummage through the fridge, in hopes of finding some food to eat. Beast Boy seated himself at the island, resting his face in his hands.

"Why didn't you guys tell me?" I asked in a small voice.

"About what?" Beast Boy wondered. "The mission?"

"The _trial_. Why didn't you guys tell me you got sued?"

Robin, Cyborg, Starfire, and Beast Boy all froze at the mention of the trial. They slowly walked towards me so they could engage in the conversation.

"How did you know?"

"It was on TV," I answered for Robin. "I wasn't snooping, in case you were wondering, but you didn't do a good job at hiding it from me either."

"Look, we didn't want you worrying. This isn't anything you should be concerned about."

"This has _everything_ to do with me. It has to do with _all_ of us! I should be worried!"

"We just wanted you to get some sleep," Beast Boy told me. "You really need it, and you haven't been feeling well. Knowing about us going to court wouldn't have made things better."

"So you lied to me again."

"Raven," Beast Boy tried, but I interrupted him.

"No. You lied to me again. You don't have to lie to me anymore."

"We don't want to lie to you," said Robin.

"Then stop doing it! You don't have to lie. Just tell me what happened!"

"Friend Raven, it is I who wished to not inform you of the trial," Starfire declared, fragile tears framing her green-sclera eyes. "I apologize if you feel offended by my actions, but I am most upset by my own actions as well."

"Maybe I could've done something to help…"

"You have done so much already. I cannot ask for anymore from you."

"So…" I looked to each of the Titans, but the only one who returned my gaze was Beast Boy. "Did we lose the trial?"

"The jury didn't wanna think about it too much," said Cyborg. "They found Starfire guilty of‒I don't even know, something absolutely _stupid_‒and now we're paying the price for it."

"Like we don't do enough community service already," Beast Boy muttered. "We had a bad rep then and we have a bad rep now. Can't anybody see we're trying to help?"

"Arguing with the judge wasn't really helping us back there…"

"Well, what else am I supposed to do? Let those people say bad things about us, about our friends? Nobody on this team deserves that kinda treatment. We're heros, Cy! We're trying to help this city by fighting bad guys, so why does everyone think we're villains now? Things can change! Things _have_ changed! It's just not fair that they don't give her a chance! They don't understand her like I do!"

"Can it, BB! Stop talking about it!"

As Cyborg and Beast Boy became animated over the topic, Starfire began to weep. She cried about how horrible she feels and how she never meant to hurt anyone: she was only trying to do what she thought was right, but apparently the court disagreed with Starfire. Robin tried to comfort her but she shied away from him.

"Starfire…"

"Please, I must be alone," she said, and then she was gone. Robin's heart sank as he watched her fly away, so he turned to the mechanical man for help.

"Cy? Could you-?"

"I got it, man," sighed Cyborg, already jogging after the tangerine girl.

"I have to make a call," Robin said, mostly to himself than to Beast Boy and I.

"You think the Justice League is gonna help with the bill?" asked Beast Boy.

"Yeah, I'm sure of it, but that doesn't make me any happier about asking them."

Robin eyed the both of us and then exited out of room, heading towards the elevator. There was still so much I wanted to understand. The newscast gave me a broad overview, but only my friends could give me the details, the details that I need to know. I looked to Beast Boy, the only other individual in the Main Ops room, and hesitated to speak. Beast Boy simply extended his gloved hand towards me.

"C'mon," he said. "I'm sure you'll wanna talk about this."

* * *

**Author's Note:** As happy as I am to be posting on time, I don't think I'll be able to do so again until three weeks from now. In two weeks, I'll be having my Senior Prom. I'll be busy all Saturday getting ready for the dance, and then I'll be hanging out with my date and my friends at a theme park, and then I'll be ditching school on Monday so I can have a sleepover at a hotel. So basically, I'll be very busy, and the next time I post, school may essentially be over for me and I'll have my finals (although I doubt I'll have any finals because I have As in all my classes). I know this is another long wait, but on the bright side, school is almost over and then it'll be summer, which means I should have less things to worry about :)

Again, thank you for reading, thank you for your patience, and thank you so much for the support. I hope to hear from everybody soon!


	52. The Truest Form of Love

**Author's Note:** Hi everybody! It's been a long wait! These past few weeks have been insane: school, water polo season, college stuff, prom, shopping, the season finale of Supernatural. It's a lot to take it and it was a long break away from writing, but it's good to be back with another chapter :)

I was also really happy to receive all of these comments, so I'll answer them briefly:

**RachelGarfield12:** Thank you so much for the support! I'm really happy to hear you're loving _Amnesia_ :) It isn't always easy to write so it meant a lot to me that I could get a little break, especially with all this end-of-the-year stuff going on! But not that's all past me! Time to get back into the groove! Enjoy the chapter!

**Allen Blaster:** I'm starting to realize just how much Beast Boy and Raven argue in this story. Like, seriously. They'll be arguing in this chapter too, and it's not easy to take sides. Beast Boy cares so much for Raven and he almost always wants to talk with her, but he becomes torn on whether or not to tell her what she wants to hear or what she should hear. Raven, on the other hand, isn't much of a talker and she feels insecure when people talk about her behind her back or if they know things that she doesn't. It gets pretty complicated, so I'm sure you can understand how difficult (and tedious) writing these dialogues can be. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the chapter Adam! :)

**Santoramon:** Trust me, it was hard thinking of a character that could do this to Starfire. I actually had to come up with one! It makes sense in a way, but I'm taking sides with Starfire: she doesn't deserve any of it! And, just letting you know, this chapter will be dedicated to you :) I don't know if you remember but you had some really good ideas while we were PMing and I mentioned that I'd like to write your idea about Raven and Beast Boy breaking up into the chapter! No no, they won't _actually_ break up (my heart can't handle it) but it's a good dynamic for this duo! Thanks again, and I hope you enjoy the chapter!

**SendarSlayer:** Hi! I'm glad to hear you're reading _Amnesia_ and that you're interested in how she lost her memory! It's a pretty long story, but it's starting to wind down and the next chapter should resolve an element to this story, so stay tuned! I hope we'll get to talk more in the future :) Enjoy!

**JasonVUK:** I know I know! It's freaky, right? But don't worry: it's not as bad as you think! In my opinion, Starfire is completely innocent and you'll see what I mean as we near the end of this epic (epically long…) tale of these two lover :D Enjoy the chapter!

**Red-Birdx:** Hey! It's so nice to hear from you, and don't worry about being a couple (more like 18) chapters behind! Ration the story and take your time reading. It's A LOT to take in, but I can't tell you how flattered I am to hear how much you're enjoying it :) Keep it up and I hope to hear from you again!

**TheUltimateStar:** So you've left a TON of reviews on my story! The readers who comment on every chapter are the best and it makes me so happy to hear your kind words :) You're learning pretty fast as well and your theories aren't bad at all! I can't wait for you to catch up, and if we pace ourselves, I'm sure we'll be on the same chapter in no time! Until then, enjoy!

Alright, and one more thing to address…

My love goes out to **Santoramon** for this chapter. We've talked to each other over PM about _Amnesia_ and he made a really good prediction that I actually wanted to incorporate into the story, and with that, I'd like to thank him! I greatly appreciate his idea and input about of the different outcomes and endings for _Amnesia_ too, which I personally didn't think of. This story will turn down another road, but these ideas definitely deserve to be recognized :)

Now, onto the much-anticipated chapter!

**A Previous Summary:** Raven is feeling much better after a solid night of sleep. She thinks she's ready to tackle her problems again, but the Titans are adamant in making sure she makes a full recovery first. Raven is told to have a sick-day at the Tower while the Titans go off on an emergency mission. However, once Raven spots a news report on the TV, it's clear that the Titans had lied to her. When Robin, Starfire, Cyborg and Beast Boy all come home, Raven asks to know about the court case. They're all upset that Raven found out but Starfire is the most upset since she flew away crying, although Raven has no idea why. Beast Boy was the only one who decided to talk to Raven about it.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 52: _The Truest Form of Love_

I took Beast Boy by the hand and I allowed him to guide me towards the crescent-shaped couch. We sat down and faced each other, the both of us feeling very uneasy about the situation. The Main Ops room was silent and we were uncertain of how to end it.

"I know what you're thinking."

"That's funny," I commented. "Usually I'm the one that says that."

Beast Boy half-smiled at my monotonic humor, but it didn't last very long. This matter was anything but light-hearted.

"Raven, I know you're upset that we lied to you again, that we betrayed you again."

"Did you really think I wouldn't be upset? Lying to me over and over again doesn't mean that I'll understand someday. I still don't understand why you guys don't trust me."

"It's not that we don't trust you. You know how much we care about you so don't say that."

"But why would you think I wouldn't need to know about this?"

"I told you," the green changeling clarified. "You aren't sleeping, you're having nightmares, your powers aren't working. Why should I have to make things worse for you?"

"You make things worse by not telling me."

"Yeah, and you think things would've gone better if I had just _told_ you everything about your amnesia and your past life?"

"Well you can see where lying and _not_ telling me anything has gotten us!"

Beast Boy restrained a heated counter response. He wiped his mouth and looked away, mentally reminding himself to not say anything that he'd regret. I didn't regret what I had said. Despite everything, a part of me still believed in what I had said. The Teen Titans had been doing this to me for as long as I could remember. They've lied, they've betrayed, they've avoided the truth. I can understand their motive, but that doesn't mean I don't feel hurt by their actions.

My friends still won't come clean. Even after all that we've been through, with running away and cheating on each other and going against the plan, nobody can trust anyone. There was a moment where I wondered if I could trust anyone.

"Beast Boy, I want answers."

"I know."

"I want to know what happened. I want to know why you guys won't stop lying to me."

"I know!"

"Then what happened? Tell me! No more lying! Why did you go to court? Why does it seem like Starfire was blamed for all of this?"

Briefly, every little thing in the room, even our forceful breaths, became still. I stared at Beast Boy, insisting for an explanation, and he dropped his gaze to the floor. A breath rattled inside his chest and he nervously played with his hands as he mustered the courage to speak. Beast Boy couldn't even look at me, whether it was to spare me of his reaction or to spare himself for my reaction.

"After the incident, once it was clear you had amnesia, not everybody was willing to let things off easily. A lot had happened, Raven, a lot that I can't explain, that you can't even imagine would happen, and then we got sued. Starfire represented us. She represented you."

"So it _was_ because of something that I did," I said slowly.

"But you didn't mean it," he told me quickly. "It's not your fault. It's nothing that you can be blamed for."

"And yet _Starfire_ is the one that's being blamed? How is that okay?!"

"It's not! I never said it was! We're all pissed about this, nobody is happy with what the court decided, alright? But Starfire had to represent you. There was no way we were gonna let you face the court for that."

"And what exactly was it that I did?"

Beast Boy sighed. I told him to stop stalling, that I wasn't waiting for answers anymore, and this caused Beast Boy to explode.

"You know how I feel when you get angry with me," he shouted. "You know how I feel when you tell me that things could've gone better if I had listened to you, if I hadn't kept secrets from you. Well I'm sorry, Raven, but it's just not that easy. It's not easy to tell you these things. It's not easy to come clean, but you got me all confused on what I should be doing!

"I do what my friends ask me to do, and you get mad. I do what you want me to do, and you get mad. And then I'm wondering what's worse: facing the consequences of telling the truth and ruining something for ya, or facing the consequences of you finding out the truth and ruining what we have between us. I don't know what to tell you, Raven, and I don't know if I should tell you. This is just causing more anger between us than what we need. Raven, for all we know, this could be why Rage is rebelling in the first place. It's because of me and the lies and the betraying and the secrets, but what if it's 'cause of the truth too? Is the truth what you really want?"

"I _need_ to know the truth, Beast Boy."

"Maybe not," he said in a softer, gentler voice. "Maybe all you need to do is get over your anger, but hearing the truth from me isn't gonna make this any easier."

Tears stung my eyes and my throat constricted. I looked away from Beast Boy, but I could sense him looking at me. I could sense his sadness for me. I knew every well that Beast Boy was right. Everything he did for me was out of love, and I had argued with him about it, whether or not he had done what I had asked him to do. It felt like no matter what Beast Boy does for me wasn't enough, and I was angry with myself for realizing this.

I had the blessing to love a boy again, a boy from my forgotten past, and I had yet to reciprocate the love he has shown me.

"Oh Azar," I cried. "What have I done…"

"Shhh. It's okay, Raven."

"No! It's not! How is this okay?"

I hunched over and held my face in my hands, even though I couldn't hide my retching sobs. Beast Boy scooted over and a strong arm wrapped over my shoulders. I leaned into him, embracing his warmth and accepting his comfort. As mad as I was, I knew he never meant to upset me. I knew that I couldn't stay upset at Beast Boy either, especially after everything he had done to help me.

"There's nothing I want you to worry about except yourself," Beast Boy said at last. "You need to get better. You need to take care of your anger and figure out how you're gonna deal with Rage."

"How?"

"You gotta face it head-on."

"What?"

"Maybe if you talk to Rage again, if you give her what she wants, she'll be easier to deal with. Maybe that's all it takes to solve everything."

"Are you crazy? I can't do that!"

"I'm telling you: Rage is the reason why you're like this, why you can't sleep or use your powers very well. Your anger is making everything imbalanced. Maybe there's a way you can fix it."

"I know that Rage is causing all of this, but having a little chat with her won't solve anything. I don't even know if I still want her in my mind!"

"So what are you going to do then?"

I sniffed back my tears and sat up a little straighter. Beast Boy raised his eyebrows when I shrugged away from him.

"I'll keep doing what I've been doing," I answered. "I'll read and meditate and do what I need to do to get some sleep in every night. And I'll keep researching until I figure out what needs to be done about Rage."

"You can't just ignore her forever."

"No, but someday, I'll find a way to suppress her forever."

* * *

The conversation I had with Beast Boy really struck a nerve with me because we didn't exactly part on the best of terms. He was calling after me as I strode away but I ignored him. I headed straight for my bedroom and I locked the door behind me, desperate for some privacy. Only, once I was finally alone again, I didn't know what to do.

My bedroom was still in complete disarray from all the studying I had been doing. I thought about picking up from where I last left off and continuing to research my amnesia but I had a difficult time focusing on the books. My mind always managed to wander and I couldn't make any progress. There was no use in cleaning my bedroom either. Even if I couldn't work now, I would need to work later since I was far from solving the problems in Nevermore.

_And that's just it,_ I had thought to myself. _What even is the problem with Nevermore? Why is it changing all of a sudden? Why is it so different now?_

Not one of my Emoticlones seemed to have an answer.

I tried to carry on, hoping to find solstice in my daily life, but nothing was satisfactory to me. I couldn't think of anything to do to pass the time and time did pass ever so slowly. The sun burrowed into the sea and the moon assumed control of the star-speckled sky. I watched from my bedroom window, tired but unable to sleep, bored but unable to work. Beast Boy's words continued to drone themselves within my mind, alongside my own dark thoughts, until I couldn't handle it anymore.

There was no reason to do anything, but there was also no reason to not do anything.

"Who is it?" Beast Boy growled after the millionth time I knocked on his door. "You better have a good reason for getting on my case when it's almost midnight."

"Beast Boy? It's me, Raven."

There was no response on the other side of the door. I heard bedsheets rustling and then the sound of hurried footsteps making their way across the room. Beast Boy opened his door just enough so he could peer through a small sliver of space.

"What do you want?"

"Look, I thought a lot about what you said," I began. "I was really frustrated with myself about my amnesia and my Emoticlones, and I was getting mad at you too when I shouldn't have. I wanted to say that I'm sorry about arguing with you earlier. I guess I'm still a little upset about what happened."

Beast Boy looked down at feet and inhaled deeply. He opened the door a little wider and stepped forward to face me properly. I shifted uncomfortably on my feet, my hands fidgeting in front of me.

"It's okay, Raven," he replied. "I was really frustrated too."

"I just can't stop thinking about it: you and me, my anger getting between us, and Rage still out there somewhere in my mind. It scares me, Beast Boy. I'm scared for me, for you, for the Titans. I'm scared that I might not ever figure out what's wrong with Nevermore. Maybe I'll never be able to defeat Rage and she'll just keep pestering me and pestering me until I-"

Before I could indulge into another fit of tears, Beast Boy reached for me and I was enveloped in his arms again. He embraced me tightly and I clung to him, burying my face into the crook of his neck. His words were whispered into my hair.

"Shhh. Don't say that, Raven. It's okay. It's gonna be okay. We'll figure this out, I promise. We'll find a way. Trust me. We'll find a way."

"I trust you, Beast Boy," I said as I backed away from him. "I know we can figure this out. I just hope it doesn't take forever…"

Beast Boy nodded solemnly and I ducked my head, smearing my tears away. Noticing this, he brought up another topic.

"You said you still can't sleep?"

I shook my head sheepishly. "I took the medicine Cyborg gave me about two hours ago and I haven't been able to fall asleep since."

"Then why don't you sleep with me tonight?" he offered. "Will that make you feel better? C'mon. Maybe it'll help the both of us get some shut-eye."

The green changeling stepped aside and I cautiously entered his bedroom. With his arm around my shoulder, he guided me through a series of obstacles that were strewn all over the floor, including spare uniforms, towers of pizza boxes, and empty soda cans. We arrived to his tall bunk bed, where he instructed me to sit down and wait. I settled into the mattress while Beast Boy dashed to his closet to retrieve extra pillows and blankets. He arranged them in a rather sloppy fashion onto his bed and then I was eased into the makeshift nest.

The warmth I felt as I was immersed in the blankets was unbelievable, but when Beast Boy joined me, it become undescribable. He laid down next to me as soon as he had finished and I immediately cuddled into him. Beast Boy wrapped his arms around me and then he pulled the blankets in closer around us, supporting our huddled bodies. We remained in this position for a long time. There was no need to speak to each other, until I realized something was wrong.

"This isn't helping me," I told him and Beast Boy hushed me, insisting that it's hard to fall asleep when I'm talking. "No! I mean this isn't helping _me_. This isn't helping Nevermore!"

"You just need to sleep, Rae," said Beast Boy. His eyes were still closed, his mouth moving ever so slowly to articulate his words. "Try to sleep a little."

I tried to take his advice. I snuggled into him and rested my head on his chest. Then, I concentrated on Beast Boy's internal mechanics: the slow, steady rhythm of his heart; the deep gulps of air that surged into his lungs; the flow of blood within his veins. I could feel it all, sense it all. He was able to live vulnerably and set his problems aside for whatever the reason, but that was a difference between Beast Boy and I.

He could be quick to forgive and forget, while I had the tendency to dwell on the past and await for the future.

"It's not working!"

"Close your eyes, Raven."

"I can't sleep like this. This isn't helping me at all!"

I shoved aside some of the blankets and sat up in bed. Beast Boy stirred and opened his eyes, using his hand massage my back. I knew he was only trying to comfort me, but it made me feel even worse.

"Stop, please."

"Raven, what's the matter?"

"I can't. I can't do this. I can't love you. I have to hate you."

This clearly got Beast Boy's attention. His eyes widened as he sat up to meet me, not really sure by what I was implying.

"What?"

"I need to hate you," I muttered. "So do it. Make me hate you!"

Beast Boy's face mirrored bewilderment. "How am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know, say something to make me angry! Break up with me for all I care!"

"Why would I break up with you?!"

"Just do something! Stop trying to be nice! Make me hate you so Rage will come out and I can face her for good. It would solve everything!"

"I'm not gonna do that, Rae. After everything I put you through, you _really_ think I could do that?"

"You'd be helping me," I sighed. "I need to fix this. I need to get this anger out of my system and the best way to do that is for you to do something that will make me mad. I can't just go on living with Rage inside of me. You're right, Beast Boy: I can't ignore her. I need her to come out and I need to face her myself. If I wait any longer, I won't even have a chance to suppress her."

"You can't face her now," he argued. "It's the middle of the night! You need to sleep."

"I can't sleep if she's in there. I can't sleep knowing that I could be vulnerable to her, that she could come for me at any time. I need to get to her first before she gets to me."

"Then what does this have to do with me breaking up with you? Why would say something like that?"

"You even said it yourself: I need to get angry if I ever want to draw Rage out of hiding, and that may be my best bet on suppressing her. I need to get angry and the best way to do that is to lose what I love the most‒you, Beast Boy. I'd have to lose you…"

The green changeling was petrified by my statement. He tripped over his words, attempting to justify the situation, but I wouldn't hear any of it. It was only upsetting me more.

"Raven, I didn't mean to-"

"Just do it! Get it over with already!"

"Telling me to make you hate me isn't gonna work! You'd be expecting it. _Rage_ would be expecting it. It won't work…"

"I need to get angry! I'll give Rage what she wants and then she'll come out to face me!"

"Breaking up with you won't do anything. Raven, I love you so much and even if I broke up with you, it wouldn't work. I'm _telling_ you: I love you so much that I wouldn't mean anything I'd say if I broke up with you. You'd know I wouldn't mean it. You wouldn't get mad; you'd be sad, depressed, and that won't convince Rage to come out. Breaking up with you won't help you; it won't help either of us."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" I cried. "I can't just wait around for her to come after me again; that's how I'll lose. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."

"You will keep this up for however long it takes," the pea-green boy told me sternly. "You have things to be fighting for, Raven. You have reasons to keep going. You have me, the Titans, your memories, your future to fight for, the people of Jump City…"

"What about them?"

"They'll want you to fight too. They _all_ want you back, just as much as I do, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep you happy. I won't do it. I won't make you mad. Breaking up won't solve anything; we hafta stick together, Raven, and as long as you're here with me, nothing will come between us. I promise."

It was only meant to be a small kiss. Beast Boy's lips parted slightly so they could connect with mine only briefly, a chaste contact to secure his feelings for me. However, it didn't end there.

When Beast Boy leaned in to kiss me, my first instinct was to pull us closer. Beast Boy had gingerly ended the kiss and I was the one who pressed on. We fell on top of each other, my hands wrapped around Beast Boy's neck and Beast Boy's hands wrapped around my waist. He was hesitant to reciprocate my dominating actions.

"Rae, is this really you?" Beast Boy asked me in between smooches. "Is this what you really want?"

I pulled away from Beast Boy, far enough so I could stare into his shimmering eyes, yet close enough so I could taste the fervor in his breath.

"It's me," I whispered. "It's really me. And it's the only thing I've wanted for a long time."

Beast Boy appeared surprised but I could sense the chemicals emanating from his flesh: he felt the same way about me and my response only seemed to evoke a stronger feeling of excitement.

We were kissing each other a little more aggressively now, frustrated with each other, desperate for each other. Beast Boy was on his back and I straddled him, drowning us amongst a sea of blankets and pillows. His hands were everywhere: my thighs, my waist, my stomach. I pushed into him and he pushed back, the both of us struggling for power.

I don't either of us cared about what we were doing. We were lost in each other, pulling and squeezing and moving as a single entity. I wasn't even thinking if I was ready to go that far because everything felt so natural. I was meditating in a way. All of the emotions I was feeling was put into what I was doing to Beast Boy, and he did the same.

The mental pressure of Nevermore alleviated as my lungs swelled with anxiety and with the thrill of kissing Beast Boy. For a moment, I thought I was flying. I felt so light and open and free, as if I could do anything, and that's what exactly what we did. Beast Boy and I complimented each other completely as we laid together in bed, undoubting and unquestioning our feral inhibitions. It was love, the truest form of love, and neither of us had to speak to know what our partner desired. We simply followed our heart with no intention of drawing back.

At least, not until an imagined force began to pound the inside of my skull.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Thank you so much for reading! As always, I'm open to suggestions, requests, and ideas for _Amnesia_ in your comments. You knows? Maybe it'll be included into the story and every little comment (even if it's to point out an error or a flaw) can be very helpful :)

Now that school is over, I'll be working full-time at my job. I'll be losing my school-issued laptop (it's so much easier to write on this than on the desktop) but the two-week schedule should stay consistent. I'll try my very best to post on time :)

Goodbye for now!


	53. Headaches and Heartaches

**Author's Note:** Well it's official! I'm not a high school student anymore; I'll be in college by mid-August! A lot is going on with work and with seeing friends, but I've been enjoying summer, reading FanFiction and writing FanFiction, so it's good to be back on schedule and boy do I have a chapter for all of you! I've been working on this practically every day and I'm _really_ happy with how it turned out! And best of all, it's over 5,000 words! A great chapter for all the lovely people who are so patient and take the time to read my work :)

As for the few comments…

**Allen Blaster:** The anticipation is over! Get ready for more angst and more fighting and, of course, more drama between our two lovers! I'm super-duper proud of this chapter so I hope you enjoy it :) Keep up the good work Allen! Your stories are just so amazing so it means so much to have you read mine and give feedback. Thanks again!

**JasonVUK: **As much as I was Raven and Beast Boy to "do the do" I don't think I could get too graphic in here XD But I did give a few hints so I'm glad you caught on! They were close (hella close) but we gotta keep this PG for the kids! (that's me… I'm the kid here) I hope you enjoy this chapter too!

**DRON261095:** AhhhhI'msosorryIdidn'tknowwhatIwasthinkingtoendachapterlikethatI'msosorryforkeepingyouwaitingthatismyfaultbutIhaveanewchapterhereforyousohereyougoIhopeyoulikeitokaybye (PS I'm sorry again if you can't ready that XD)

**Santoramon: **Thanks again for all your help! You're very right. One little question, one little suggestion, even one little request, can make a big difference and it was a great aspect to add to the chapter. I think it was definitely the highlight of the chapter! So thank you so much and I hope we can talk again soon :) Enjoy the chapter!

**TheUltimateStar:** Glad to hear you're really getting into it XD I'm still enjoying your comments and you've been reading a lot recently, so thank you! I hope you enjoy what's next to come!

And that should be it! Time to get into one of the proudest chapter I've written yet :) Please enjoy!

**A Previous Summary:** Raven and Beast Boy take the time to talk about the trial. Raven is still upset that they're hiding things from her, but Beast Boy argues that it was necessary, especially since Raven hasn't been feeling well lately. When Raven comes to terms with herself, Beast Boy tells her to talk with Rage and give her what she wants, but Raven refuses. She believes there's another solution to suppressing Rage so she does a little more research, only to be plagued by the problems in Nevermore. Unable to ignore it, she goes to Beast Boy's room in the middle of the night, hoping they could talk about it. She's furious with herself, furious that she can't sleep and furious that she can't defeat Rage, so she finds comfort when Beast Boy kisses her. However, just as they're getting intimate, Raven received another massive headache.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 53: _Headaches and Heartaches_

I was keeled over and impaired in a matter of seconds. The pressure inside my skull took me beyond my breaking point and I cried out in pain, cradling my head in my hands. I had fallen onto my side, curled into a fetal position, and Beast Boy was kneeling over me. I wasn't responding to anything. The pain drowned out my senses; I momentarily forgot where I was, what I had been doing, who I was with. The only sensation I could feel was the inexplicable writhing emotion that dwelled in my head.

Beast Boy had tried to get my attention. He kept calling my name, asking me all of these questions, panicking about the situation. I couldn't focus very well on him because the pain was relentless, as if some force was attempting to escape from within my mind. Beast Boy didn't know what to do. He debated whether or not he should leave and get help for me, but he knew leaving me alone in this state was dangerous. I became a threat to not only him and my surroundings, but to myself as well.

I covered my ears, clawed at my eyes, beat the mattress, and grabbed onto Beast Boy's arms. I continued to twist around in bed, hurting anything that was in a close proximity, as if these motions could combat my inner turmoil. I've had a headache like this before. I didn't realize it at the time, but the pain was similar, my reaction was similar, the cause of this imbalance was similar. I just couldn't remember the time I had experienced it. I was blinded by darkness, deaf to my own voice. I couldn't do anything except beg for mercy and my plea wasn't answered immediately.

The one who caused my pain wanted me to suffer until I could understand.

Gradually, I became conscious again. The headache faded and my senses returned to normal, although I was still trembling from fright. I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Beast Boy's face.

"Oh God. Raven…"

He choked on his words as he helped me sit up. I was awake again, but still faintly disoriented. I looked around and felt my surroundings, trying to make sense of myself. Pillows were on the floor, the blankets were wrinkled, and tears were in Beast Boy's eyes. The pain in my head was gone at last and all that remained from the episode was confusion. At least, Beast Boy was confused. I, however, realized that I knew more about what happened than I thought I did.

"Raven!"

"Huh?"

"Are you okay? Can you hear me?"

I was so lost in thought that I didn't realize that Beast Boy was addressing me. He had to hold my face and peer into my eyes in order to get my attention.

"Yeah," I said, pulling away from him. "I'm sorry. I'm okay now. I'm okay."

Beast Boy sat back in disbelief. One minute, I'm incapacitated and crying out for help, and the next, I'm completely aware and forgiving for what I had gone through. It didn't make any sense to the green changeling.

"Raven, what happened back there? You were just out of it all of a sudden, like you couldn't hear me. You gave me a heart attack. I thought you were gonna die or something!"

"I know, I'm sorry. I got so caught up in it that I forgot to tell you."

"What? What the hell does that mean? What's going on?"

"Beast Boy, please. It was Rage," I explained quietly.

"Wait, Rage did that to you?"

I nodded in confirmation. "I get it now," I gasped. "I understand."

"What are you talking about?"

"Beast Boy, it all makes sense! I finally understand now! Lust and Calm were separated from me because I had no reason to feel any of those things. It was natural for them to _not_ be a part of me and when we weren't dating, Lust disappeared. I had no interest in anyone, none of those thoughts, so it was like she became nothing!

"Don't you get it? That's why Lust and Calm were separated from me! I wasn't feeling those emotions back then and so they began to disappear because I wasn't experiencing them. But the more I learned about my Emoticlones, the more I realized I had feelings for you, they came back. They rejoined Nevermore again once they were strong enough, and that's what needs to happen with Rage. I just don't think she wasn't separated from me by the same reasons."

"How did you get all that from a headache?" Beast Boy asked, skeptical of this information. "You know what? Nevermind that. Maybe you should just rest now. You shouldn't be using your brain too much anyway. We gotta get you to Cy-"

"No! I'm fine, Beast Boy!"

"No, you're _not_ fine, Raven! Don't you understand what just happened to you? Don't you understand how much pain you were in a few minutes ago?!"

"I understand more than you!" I shot back. "Honestly, I'm not sure how I understand all of this now, or how I figured this out just now‒believe me, I don't‒but I remember seeing Rage when my eyes were closed, feeling her inside of me when I got that headache. She was really angry, Beast Boy. She was so mad…"

"She _is_ rage, Raven. She _is_ your anger, what makes _you_ angry. When is she ever _not_ mad?"

"No! I mean, she wasn't mad _at_ me. She's still not happy with me, but I don't think the reason why she's rebelling is _because_ of me. Somehow, I get the feeling it's because of something else. It's like… She's in pain, she's afraid of something, just like how I felt with all of these headaches lately…"

"Maybe Rage is just mad that you're still not letting her out," he reasoned. "She said she wanted power, remember? What if this is one of her tricks?"

"But what if it isn't?" I countered. "What if she's in real danger and she needs help?"

"She's separated from you, Raven. That seems pretty dangerous already."

"Look, something happened after the incident. Something happened that caused my amnesia and caused Rage to become separated from Nevermore. She's been lurking in there ever since, hiding from my Emoticlones, avoiding suppression, but still trying to make contact with me. Now, she's on the loose and she's rebelling like crazy. This isn't a coincidence! She's trying to get my attention and I don't know why, but it's important for me to find out."

"I thought you didn't want Rage anymore," Beast Boy argued. "You were the one that wanted her to be suppressed forever. Hell, you were seriously thinking about getting rid of her _completely_. Why are you so determined to get her back now? Even after everything she's done to you, even after she's made a point to avoid being suppressed."

"...because I realized that I'd be incomplete without her," I answered. "I need her, just like how I need Happy and Rude and Lust and Sloth and everyone else, regardless of who they represent in me, and she needs me. Rage needs me. She _is_ one of the many parts of me, and although she's not exactly the best part of me, she's what makes me _me_. I'll never be balanced without her, Beast Boy, and I'll never get peace if I ignore her too. She won't stop until we face each other, so I better do it before she takes me by surprise. Please, Beast Boy. Please understand…"

I could sense the uncertainty in him, the hesitation to speak with me. Beast Boy had a hard time understanding my motive to pursue Rage, despite the personal crimes she had committed in Nevermore, but I could also sense his hope. Beast Boy only had one desire: he wanted me to get better and he was willing to do anything to fulfill this desire. Beast Boy had lied to me, kept secrets from me, betrayed his friends for me, and now he felt conflicted again. He had his own idea on how to solve this problem, but I had another idea as well. The trouble came from his own worry that he'd regret betraying himself.

"Alright," he said finally. "Alright. I still think this is crazy and I don't understand half of what's going on, but I trust your judgement, Rae. I'll go through with it for you if this means you'll get better."

I hugged Beast Boy and thanked him tremendously. He chuckled and assured me that it was okay and that he'd do this for me any day. However, Beast Boy wanted to know more about my idea to deal with Rage.

"So how do we do it? What's the plan?"

"I need to go into Nevermore. I'll meet her in there and figure out what's going on," I declared and this provoked a worried response from Beast Boy.

"Ohhh, no."

"What?"

"You really wanna go in there? Into Nevermore?" he repeated. "Raven, she'll be expecting us!"

"She's _already_ expecting us, Beast Boy!" I exclaimed. "I've made up my mind. I'm going into Nevermore and I want you to be there with me."

"Right now? Raven-"

"I know I know. I need the rest, but this can't wait anymore. I can rest when I'm done!"

"But will you be strong enough to suppress her?"

"No." Beast Boy started to protest my firm statement but I finished it before he could speak. "I won't need to suppress her, Beast Boy. In fact, I'll be doing just the opposite. Now are you coming with me or not?"

* * *

We worked quickly to prepare for the mission into Nevermore. Beast Boy and I dressed ourselves into fresh uniforms and headed to my bedroom, locking the door behind us. He gathered the materials for the ritual while I assembled them together, ensuring the design was accurate according to the instructions: only precision could guarantee success.

As I was lighting the wax candles, Beast Boy mentioned his worry about the mission. He wondered if we should notify the others first, just in case the situation went awry, but I dismissed his precaution. If we had told the Titans our plan, they wouldn't have been able to help me. In fact, Beast Boy wouldn't be doing very much for me either. This was strictly between Rage and I, and I didn't want anyone else to be involved anyway, although I knew having Beast Boy there would make me feel a little more confident. At least then I'd have an asset: moral support from the best moral-supporter I know.

I gripped my mirror in a white-knuckled fist and plopped into the ring of fulgurating candles, Beast Boy following my lead. He watched me as I centered the demonic relic on the floor and began to chant my mantra. It wasn't long before I could feel the pull into Nevermore, the transition into the ethereal realm beginning to take place, but before I could be whisked away, Beast Boy got my attention.

"Wait, what should I do?" he asked.

"You're going to stay here."

"What? I thought I was gonna be there with you."

"You _are_ here with me."

"I meant go _into_ Nevermore with you," he clarified quite angrily. "What am I supposed to do while you're meditating?"

"You're going to stay inside the circle and wait," I instructed him. "Watch me carefully. My goal is to get in and out of Nevermore as quickly as possible, but something could always happen. So if I start squirming or anything like that, you need to snap me out of it and wake me up."

"Wake you up? How do I do that?"

"Just call out to me. I'll hear you. And no matter what you see in the mirror, don't look into it. Sometimes, the mirror can be a window into Nevermore, a _two-way_ mirror. You may be able to see what's going on, but there's also a chance that you could enter it, or be dragged into it, so it's best you sit and wait for me."

As I was explaining all of this, Beast Boy shook his head in denial. He felt very excluded from this endeavor and I felt like I didn't have any time to elaborate to reasoning behind this.

"I don't get why you hafta face Rage all by yourself," he told me. "You know I can help you, right?"

"You are helping me," I encouraged him. "You'll be here to make sure that if something goes wrong, you can tell me when to leave. Hearing your voice will give me the motivation I need to escape if necessary, but I'm not running away from Rage anymore. This time, things will go differently between us."

"You can't go in there alone. Not like this."

"And I can't have you in danger, Beast Boy. Not after what happened last time."

"You'll _be_ in danger if you go in there alone!"

"This is about _me_, Beast Boy! This is _my_ fight. This is _my_ problem to solve. I'm going to face Rage and put an end to this, once and for all, and I won't have you in there!"

"Why not?"

"Because you're my weakness," I said, my voice falling to a whisper. "Everyone knows you're my weakness. _Everyone_. If anything happened to you, I'd lose it. I'd never forgive myself if you got hurt and I don't know what will happen when I face Rage again. She could attack me, and I'm prepared to fend her off, but I won't have you there to get in the way. I need you to be here. I need you to make sure you're safe and that I can get back home safely to you."

That's what it took to get Beast Boy to finally comply. He agreed to my specifications, although his worry was still present. I assured him that I knew what I was doing, even though secretly I was worried myself, and I told him that I wouldn't let him wait for me very long. I would come back to him as soon as I was able.

"Okay," he said. "Okay."

I gave him a small smile and this only provoked more tears to swell in his eyes. I managed to hear him say, "Please be safe, Rae," before I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply, and was transported into the world of Nevermore.

* * *

No time was wasted in getting to where I needed to go. Once I had arrived in Nevermore, I stood up and made my way across a pathway of floating rocks, suspended like asteroids among a backdrop of blood-red stars and dark space. They led me to another path, this one solid and well-formed, and I followed it to a grand arch made of rock. By passing through it, I was brought to a landscape of pink grass, yellow skies, and purple trees‒more familiarly known as Happy's Domain.

I marched straight through the girly territory with no regard to the path. I was determined to find Rage because I knew she wouldn't reveal herself right away. It's like a game to her, a cat-and-mouse game that she enjoyed, so I had to play along if I would ever find her.

As I walked along a rose-colored pasture, passing through the shadows of violet foliage, Happy appeared to my right. She was obviously excited to see me, but I could sense her confusion. Happy knows that I wouldn't visit Nevermore for fun so being there at that moment meant nothing good for anybody.

"Raven!" she said. "You're here!"

"Yup," I replied in a monotonic voice. "You found me."

Happy struggled to keep up with my pace so she resorted to levitating. Even then, I continued to walk faster.

"Where are ya going? Slow down!"

"I can't," I apologized. "I'm not here to play and hang out, Happy. This is important, okay?"

"You're looking for her, aren't you?" she said. "You're looking for Rage."

"Well that's a _smart_ idea!" chimed in another Emoticlone. I turned my head to the left to see Rude, who had decided to join the conversation. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she levitated after us and she didn't feel obligated to keep to my pace. "It's not like we haven't tried this before!"

"Things are different now," I called over my shoulder. "I think I'll be able to help her since now I know the problem."

"The problem is _her_, thank you very much! As soon as you get rid of her, I'll actually get to relax for once."

"Yeah, well keep dreaming."

"I don't know if you should be looking for her," Happy told me nervously.

"Is she still hiding from you guys too?"

"Well, sorta… She, uh-"

"We know what she did to you," Affection, who had just materialized, finished for Happy. She approached my side and walked stressfully to match my speed. "Isn't this a little dangerous? Don't you know what you're doing?"

"I know what I'm doing," I assured them. Rude chuckled in response but I ignored her. "For some reason, I've been the only one she could talk to for a long time. She _is_ a part of me, remember? But she needs to be a part of _everybody_ if we ever want this to end."

I looked up to see Sloth, who I hadn't realized until then that she was here. She was floating leisurely on her back, her arms folded behind her head, and her shadow passed over me without a care. The brown-cloaked Emoticlone didn't seem very concerned about what was happening beneath her.

"She can take my place," Sloth sighed. "I'd be happy to be in her shoes being away from all this drama…"

"Well I wouldn't be," I grunted. "And I'm not the one causing the drama. So thanks…"

"Raven, wait!"

I had a herd of Emoticlones trailing behind me now. There was Happy and Affection and Timid and Rude and Brave and Sloth, either running or flying to keep up. They were all calling after me but I refused to slow down. I marched onward, deeper and deeper into Happy's Domain. I was on my way to the summit of a pink hill when three more cloaked figures rose from the ground and obstructed my path. I had no choice but to finally stop.

"Wisdom, Lust, Calm," I said.

The respective Emoticlones stepped forward.

"I hope that whatever it is that you are doing, you are aware of the dangers," said my wise Emoticlone.

"I am. I know exactly what I'm doing."

"Then how come we don't know?" asked Lust. "Why are you looking for Rage after what she just did to you?"

"Because I understand it now," I exclaimed. "I know what I have to do to stop this and I'm not waiting around for her anymore. I'm hoping to see her again before this gets any worse."

"She will come," Calm said to me. "She will come for you, so you must be prepared for what you may encounter."

"Then I hope Rage is prepared too."

I clenched my fists, shut my eyes, and inhaled sharply. My Emoticlones watched me nervously, but then, their attention shifted to an apparition that began to take shape at the top of the hill we were on. When I heard them gasp, I knew what it meant. I opened my eyes and looked up to a red-cloaked Emoticlone, standing as still as a statue. Under the heavy hood that darkened her face, I could perfectly make out her four illuminated eyes and the strange insignia that burned on her forehead. It was noticeably dimmer than I had remembered.

I told my Emoticlones to leave at once. They obeyed without question and after a small gust a wind, only Rage and I remained in the vicinity. I walked the rest of the way of the pink hill, Rage's eyes trained on me the entire time. They threatened me, preyed on me, although I noticed that Rage wasn't considering to attack. She was merely observing me, like how a cat observes a mouse. I could sense the danger in her demeanor, the risk of setting her off on an outrage, but at the moment, she was willing to listen. Rage just didn't have the patience to listen for very long.

"I understand what you've been going through, Rage," I told her. "I know what this is all about."

"Do you really?" she said, almost tauntingly.

"Yes. I understand now. It's what you've been trying to tell me all along, isn't it? That you need help, that you need _my_ help, but you couldn't just tell me that directly, right? You couldn't explain what you were feeling because you were too enraged to communicate very well with me, too influential to the other Emoticlones, too dangerous to us and yourself. You still need my help because without it, nothing would change. You've been going after one thing ever since I got amnesia and I know very well what it is that you need to change."

Rage revealed a sinister snarl beneath the shadows of her hood. I knew exactly what she was thinking. There truly was only one thing she ever hoped to acquire, but I knew better than to fulfill her expectation.

"No. It's not just my anger you need: it's to be united with Nevermore again and I can help you achieve that. I can make things right for us again."

Rage didn't take this news lightly. On top of that pink hill, the wind had been blowing into the opposite direction that I was facing, spilling my hair and my cloak behind me. Rage's cloak danced in the wind in front of her, but she ignored it. Her brilliant eyes targeted me as the enemy.

"I _need_ your anger," she reiterated in a guttural voice. "Anger is the only way to stop this, to stop me. It's the only way I can be changed."

"No! It's not! Anger is not the only answer!"

"Then what will you do for me?" Rage took a step forward, preparing for a confrontation, but I stood my ground. "How will you stop me if you don't give me your anger? You can't suppress me, Raven. I'm unstoppable."

"But you want me to stop you," I told her quietly. "I know you do, and I know what it takes to stop you. You've been telling me this the whole time."

"Then what are you waiting for?!" she exploded. "If you've come here to do it then DO IT!"

Rage stressfully ran her hands through her hair, removing her hood in the process. I could see it clearly now; I could see all the pain and the frustration she had been feeling for such a long time. It was her pain that upset her, the pain of being separated from Nevermore, and she didn't understand a good way to vent this anger, especially since she couldn't be suppressed. She couldn't be experienced either, not unless she attempted to contact me, and by doing so, Rage hoped this would get my attention, that this would alert me to her distress and the help she needed.

I had tried to ignore her for so long. I had feared her, thought she was inferior to the other Emoticlones, and even believed my problems would be solved if she was expelled from Nevermore. Only now, long after this has occurred, do I realize just how wrong I was, how inconsiderate I had been.

Rage and I have been on the same side all along; we were just so far apart that we thought we were enemies instead of companions.

Rage watched me warily, trembling from anger, as I closed my eyes once again. I regulated my breathing and concentrated very hard on the red-cloaked Emoticlone that stood a few paces away from me. I knew that I was doing was risky, but the shock of contacting Rage myself was unbearable. I cringed as I reached for her anger, focused on her anger, and embraced her anger. Rage began to give off a faint red aura, a sign that I was doing everything in my power to fuel the furious inferno in her heart, and in return, I received Rage's influence.

Another pair of eyes opened on my forehead and then I was blinded by a searing red light. Overwhelmed by this transformation, I gasped for air and dropped to my knees. I gripped onto the pink grass with my hands as I pushed forward, continuing to focus on Rage. While I was in pain, she was feeling lighter, freer, and more powerful than she could've imagined. Rage looked down at herself and grinned, the insignia on her forehead burning brighter as I consumed more and more her anger. She was finally being expressed, her intense emotions and dark intentions vanishing from within her, but the problem was that these didn't just disappear. They were being transferred into me and I was having a difficult time coping with it.

Rage had every reason to be upset. I could feel everything she was feeling, everything she had felt, and I was horrified to experience what she had gone through. Alone in the dark, isolated from her sisters, unable to alleviate the stress of her emotions. She was so scared and this frustrated her, it made her angry beyond control, but as I looked deeper, I learned that something had caused Rage's pain. It was foreign to me, unnatural to Rage, unknown to the both of us. I couldn't quite figure it out because as I was taking Rage's influence, it began to take effect on me too.

I breathed harshly through gritted teeth, trying to gather my own senses. Beast Boy was calling to me now. Surely he had seen how uncomfortable I was and he wanted me to shake out of it. However, I knew I couldn't leave yet. I needed to rid myself of Rage's anger in order to help her, but the problem with the emotions in Nevermore is that they can never truly disappear. I had thought that I would be spared a great deal of trauma if a certain Emoticlone could be removed from Nevermore, but after seeing how much damage a separated Emoticlone could do, the damage of losing one entirely would be tremendous, maybe even absolute.

I couldn't just erase what Rage had been feeling for these many months: I would have to accept it. It would have to become a part of me, just like Rage, if we ever wanted to move on to different ordeals, and that's exactly what I did.

Inspired to finish what I had started, I shifted my focus to other topics. I began to think about my other Emoticlones: Happy, Wisdom, Brave, Timid, Affection, Rude, Sloth, Calm, Lust. I thought about every single emotion that I could recall, every single sensation that I could pinpoint, and I connected them to each of me Emoticlones. The things that made me happy, like freshly brewed herbal tea and playing Stink Ball with the Titans; the things that made me wise, like reading my Book of Azar and casting spells; the things that made me brave, like going on missions and being the first to speak at the dinner table; things that made me timid, like talking about my feelings to my friends and leaving the Tower with the Titans…

On and on and on it went. I did this for every emotion, for every Emoticlone. For Affection, I thought about my first true kiss with Beast Boy on the roof. For Rude, I thought about the time I left my surprise party early for some privacy. For Sloth, I thought about spending time alone in my bedroom. For Calm, I thought about meditating with Starfire. When I came to Lust, I realized that there were only a few instances that I could use to connect to that particular Emoticlone, but I didn't have a problem deciding which one was best. The first one that came to mind was kissing Beast Boy in his bed, when the both of us felt more than ready to take it a step farther, and it suited me perfectly.

Everything I was thinking about at that time‒happiness, rudeness, laziness, any other emotion I could think of‒it summoned my Emoticlones to the top of the hill. At first, they simply circled me, but as I expressed their emotion through these memories, they began to glow. They rose from the ground and began to swirl around me, creating a channel of wind and I was at its eye. They were rotating faster and faster around me, the winds whipping my hair and my indigo cloak in all directions. Rage had been on the outskirts of this the entire time‒watching and observing‒until the demonic symbol on her forehead blinked out all at once. She assimilated into the formation, in the exact spot that had been reserved for her all along, and then, all I could see was a pure, seamless white light.

The next thing I knew, I was in my bedroom again. Beast Boy had me bundled in his arms and he was talking to me rather quickly, but I was too weak to understand very much. He kept saying how worried he had been and how I wasn't answering him while I was meditating and how he thought he was going to lose me. I laughed softly at this.

That was it. Everything was okay now because I was finally _whole_ again. All of the pieces of me were finally united, just as they were before my amnesia. Every single one of my Emoticlones, including Rage, was now a part of me and I was able to balance everything I was feeling onto them, meaning everything was stable in Nevermore. I had done it. I had finally done it, and the feeling was complete and utter euphoria.

"You won't lose me," I murmured into him. "I'm here, Beast Boy. I'm okay now. We're okay. Everything's okay…"

Beast Boy started to cry so I let him sit there and hold me for a while longer. I curled into his lap and smiled under my breath. Somewhere deep in Nevermore, an Emoticlone hesitantly thanked me and then allowed herself to become suppressed. I was at peace with myself at last.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Yup! This was a longer chapter than I usually write now, I'm super proud of this and I'm really happy that I got to post it today! Now, this is a _big_ checkpoint in _Amnesia_, but they are still chapters to come. It's about time I start wrapping up this story, but we gotta get through some more explanation…

I'll be back in two weeks with the next update! Stay tuned everybody! Thanks again and I hope your summer is going great too! :)


	54. A Lost Identity

**Author's Note:** Hello everybody! How's it going? It's another beautiful Sunday for a new chapter of _Amnesia_ :) I had a long weekend because yesterday, I had my high school graduation party so I was eating a lot of food and goofing around with my friends. And today, I had to work from 11-7, which isn't bad, but I'm still very tired. On the bright side, I'm really happy with how this chapter turned out, and it's kinda long too! I'll let ya read as soon as I answer these comments:

**Allen Blaster:** You're asking the right questions, my man! I did consider making Raven's clothing white, but I decided against it because you know how difficult it is for Raven to be emotionally balanced (that poor thing…) and also the lawsuit is important and you will see how it connects later on in the story! And yes! Someone _did_ put the symbol on Raven's head, but who? And how did they do it? And why? I don't have many chapters left, but I'll have these questions answered soon :) Thanks for reading, Adam! Hope everything is going well with you!

**JasonVUK:** Yes! Finally! Raven now has Lust, Calm, _and_ Rage again! But her troubles aren't over yet. This chapter will really divulge into Raven's next goal and I'm pretty sure you can guess what it is ;)

**Santoramon:** You know me… I can get really off-topic sometimes trying to explain something. I'll even be doing it later on in this chapter! XD Thanks again for sticking by me, Santoramon! Please enjoy this next chapter!

**Guest:** It's good to hear from you too! And thankfully, I speak a little Spanish, so I could get a basic translation out of it XD I'm really happy that you liked the last chapter! It was a fun one to write, and I'm sure you'll like the upcoming chapters too because that's when things will get heated, and I'm excited to write them :) Es una lástima que no tienes vacaciones en el verano, pero por favor disfruta el próximo capítulo y ¡espero que puedo hablar contigo otra vez en el futuro! (I could really use some more practice was Spanish tbh…)

Alright! That's the last of them! Go on and get reading! Thanks again and I hope you enjoy it!

**A Previous Summary:** Raven suffers a massive headache from Rage and when Beast Boy snaps her out of it, she has an epiphany. Raven is able to explain why Lust and Calm were separated from her and why Rage is separated from her for a different reason. She realizes what she has to do and she asks if Beast Boy would be there with her. Beast Boy isn't easily convinced, thinking that Raven is too hurt to confront her Emoticlones, but he is eventually persuaded. Together, they go to Raven's room and while Beast Boy sits with her, Raven goes into Nevermore alone.

Raven's Emoticlones are advising against Raven's plan, but Raven is determined to find Rage. When Rage appears, Raven apologizes for what Rage had endured for so long and then she begins to experience Rage's anger. It almost incapacitates Raven again, but she uses her other emotions to combat this. Because she is experiencing her emotions and centering her anger, the insignia on Rage's forehead disappears and Rage becomes one with Nevermore. All Beast Boy and Raven could do is embrace each other and quietly rejoice.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 54: _A Lost Identity_

Beast Boy and I were so exhausted from last night that we both fell asleep on my bedroom floor. We cuddled together and slept in each other's arms, my cloak becoming a blanket for us to share. We would've slept all day, thankful for the peace we had acquired from interacting with Nevermore, if it weren't for the sound of a frantic alert going off around noon.

I sat up at last and rubbed my amethyst eyes. Beast Boy stirred next to me, but he showed no interest in being summoned for a mission. He only woke up because I had urged him to. He even argued that a mission right now wasn't a good idea, especially since we were still groggy from last night. However, I insisted that we needed to be there for the Titans and I didn't stop bugging him until he finally agreed to come with me.

A few minutes later, everybody was gathered in the Main Ops room for a briefing. Robin, Cyborg, and Starfire were unaware of exactly what happened with Nevermore, but they did suspect something had happened. Starfire was grinning wildly and Cyborg made a comment about Beast Boy and I "hitting the hay" together last night. Even Robin was smirking and no amount of denial or excuses could change their thoughts. Beast Boy and I had to play along, at least until we had the time to tell them…or the time to show them…

In the Main Ops room, Robin used the projector to illustrate the meaning of the alert. Our mission was to fight Overload, who had recently gone on a rampage on the streets of Jump City. He had a personal history with the Titans. His electrical capabilities were limitless and the Titans were intent on stopping him, but Beast Boy was still reluctant about it. He had grabbed my hand and squeezed it, his way of telling me how nervous he was. In all honesty, I was nervous too, but I assured him that I was ready, that I wanted to go on this mission. With Nevermore intact once again, I needed to see just what I was capable of doing.

We took the T-car and made our way into the heart of Jump City at a record-breaking speed. As soon as we neared to the scene of the crime, I was so ambitious that I immediately engaged in combat. Beast Boy reached for me as I phased through the car and took flight. I went straight for Overload, my fists holding spheres of dark energy. I felt like I could do anything. I had a balanced Nevermore on my side, which meant that I had complete control of my powers and fewer influences to distract me. I was more than ready to use this newfound strength to fight him. My mantra seemed to have greater effect than ever and it pleased me to see how powerful I could get by saying the magical words.

I yearned for revenge, the revenge I had wanted for a long time but was unable to attain due to my condition. Now, this dream of making up for my failures was becoming a reality and I was excited to find my peace.

Overload proved to be very difficult to subdue. He was an intelligent being entirely composed of electricity so I couldn't get too close to his sparkling skin without getting shocked. In order to avoid electrocution, I used extensions of my arms to attack him. Overload easily dodged my punches but before he had a chance to return the gesture, the Titans joined the fight.

We became an effective team, stepping in and out of combat when necessary and using combined attacks to create more damage against the villain. Cyborg and Starfire showered him with sonic blasts and starbolts, causing Overload to retreat backwards a few steps. Beast Boy tried morphing into an electric eel and using his own electricity to stun him, but Beast Boy nearly got fried himself. I had to pull him back and shield him from Overload's assaults before it could truly hurt him. Robin's response to this was to throw ice bombs, hoping it would redistribute attention. We immediately noticed how Overload recoiled at this. The explosion of ice had harmed him and he screeched in an octave that would make a dog whine. That's when we remembered his weakness and we all changed our tactics to take down Overload.

Starfire used her alien strength to break open a fire hydrant, causing it to erupt into a massive geyser. The water sizzled off of Overload and he seemed to shrink in size, diminishing his power. Cyborg hooked himself up to another hydrant and aimed his hose at the villain. Beast Boy morphed into an elephant and used his trunk to spray water as well, provoking a horrid response from Overload. But even with Robin throwing more ice bombs, Overload was still alive, still kindled with electricity. If nobody gave him the final blow, he could've easily escaped and heal himself using a nearby power source. I knew I had to help and seeing that a lot of the water was being drained away into the sewer, I got an idea.

I brought my hands to my heart, closed my eyes, and centered my breath. After a huge inhale, I spoke my mantra and I slowly raised my arms. Circular, metal lids, once concealing passageways into the underground tunnels beneath Jump City's streets, popped into the air like bottlecaps. The Titans and Overload all jumped in surprise, but I held my composure. I raised my arms higher, spreading my fingers wide to cover a broader range of motion. Then, with the thrust of my hands, enormous fountains of sewer water sprang from the ground.

The streets were flooded almost instantly, the drains unable to keep up with the demand. While the Titans were able to escape from the cascades of water, Overload wasn't so lucky. With nowhere to run, he dissolved into the murky water until all that remained of him was a short-circuited computer chip. I then ceased my onslaught and allowed the water to seep back into the underground pipes.

This was an important victory for me. It was all the proof the Titans needed to know about what I had done the previous night; it was all the proof I needed to know that it had been successful. I practically cried when the Titans congratulated me. They understood right away that I was different‒expressive, confident, proud‒and I didn't need to explain very much about it. Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg were all happy for my victories and I was even happier.

The return of Rage meant so much to not only me, but to the Teen Titans as well. This wasn't a victory _for_ me; it was _for_ the Titans. I now had the strength to be an effective member of the Teen Titans, proving that I could be relied on and trusted as I had been in the past. For once, I didn't feel like a burden to them. I was able to support myself and help the Titans in a way that didn't involve risk or regret. For once, I was a true Teen Titan and I was elated to be recognized as one.

"Glorious!"

"Booyeah! That's what I'm talking about!"

"Stupendous thinking, Friend Raven!"

"Yeah, that was great! I've never seen you do something like that!"

"You were amazing, Rae. I'm so proud of you."

I knew I had done it. My goal on conquering Nevermore was finally achieved, which meant that my Emoticlones were no longer separated from me. Rage, the one who had caused me so much pain and so much strife, was now at peace. She could get along with the others and offer her power, although she wouldn't be easily suppressed. It didn't matter to me because I was just so happy. This goal was of mine was completed and, for a moment, I thought I was done. I thought I could finally move on with my life and start making new memories for myself, but then I remembered that I didn't even have my old memories yet.

My amnesia was still in effect, despite having a healed Nevermore. I still didn't know about the incident, about the man named Slade, about who I was back then during the simpler times as a Teen Titan. I had hoped that ending Rage's seclusion would open my mind to more memories, but that didn't happen. None of them were triggered, almost forgotten, and this needed to be changed. My next goal was to recover the memories from my past life, however, I didn't even know where to begin.

We drove home after the mission and boarded the elevator as a group. The Titans all chatted amongst themselves, suggesting we have yet another celebration, but I was quiet on the ride to the Main Ops room. My mind was elsewhere, contemplating my future words and future actions. I was nervous, actually. Even though I felt much more confident with my demonic abilities, I was still flustered in social interactions and the next conversation I'll have wouldn't be easy to initiate.

As everyone began to file out of the elevator, I hung back and took the liberty of pulling Robin to the side. He was surprised by this but when I asked if I could speak to him privately, he agreed nonetheless. We waited until all the other Titans had disappeared down the hallway before I began.

"What's this about, Raven? Are you feeling okay?"

I took a deep breath and carefully plotted my words. "Robin, I've felt so much better after what I did last night. Being able to suppress Rage is the best feeling in the world and now I don't have to worry about Nevermore. Now I'm not worried about what could happen if I lose my anger. My emotions are in my control and I feel great, but that doesn't mean I feel any better about my amnesia.

"I still don't remember very much of what happened to me. I still don't know about Slade or about the incident or about my life before the amnesia. I have my Emoticlones, but a part of me is _still_ missing! And that's the next thing I want to accomplish. I want my amnesia to be cured for good and I was hoping you could help me."

"Raven," the masked boy said. "I'm so happy for you too, and I get what you're saying, but we've been trying to cure your amnesia for months and it hasn't made much progress. What were you thinking I could do?"

"I can't wait any longer," I told him. "I need to know. I'm not waiting around for my memories to come back because they won't, not unless they're triggered. So I wanted you to help me trigger them by telling me what happened."

"Raven, we've been over this-"

"You'd be doing me a favor! I need this, Robin! I need to know! Yeah, I know how to use my powers. Yeah, I know how to handle Nevermore. But what about my memories? What am I supposed to do about those? I still have my amnesia to worry about and I don't want to be worrying about it anymore. There has to be something I can do to fix it."

"There are! I'm sure we can find something else to do for you."

"We've tried everything! I even got my Emoticlones back, and nothing has changed! We need to try harder if I'll ever get my memories back. We need to trigger them and I know I can remember _something_ if you just tell me what happened!"

"Telling you isn't gonna be easy," Robin said firmly. "For you or for us. We've wanted to tell you‒believe me, we do‒but there's a reason why we didn't and a reason why we won't. What if you can't handle it? What if the truth only disappoints you more?"

"I can take it."

"Raven, if you learned the truth… I don't know. Maybe only then would you agree with me, that you should've figured it out for yourself, but by then it would be too late! You gotta trust me; we don't wanna upset you more."

"What? Is the truth _that_ bad?"

"Maybe it is, but with how much I know, even I don't like to talk about it…"

Robin grew quiet after this. I could understand his reasoning‒nobody ever wants to be the bearer of bad news, but this information only made me more determined for answers. Despite the possibility of regretting this decision, I wanted to know what happened and I had prepared myself for the truth. Whether I had betrayed the Titans like the fabled girl named Terra or was involved in an accident that I was at fault, I would accept the truth and learn to cope with it. I swore to myself that I would. However, Robin wouldn't change his decision either.

The Titans were adamant in refusing to tell me the truth. Robin insisted that it wouldn't be easy, that it would take a toll on everyone's part, so I started thinking of other methods to trigger my memories.

"Starfire told me that once, I was able to freeze time," I said. "Is that true? Can I really do that?"

"Yeah, actually. You can, but I've only seen you do it once. I don't know if it'll help now though."

"So what about time travel? Maybe… Just maybe there's a way I can go back in time, to see everything unravel in front of me again. Do you think that would work?"

"Well, I'm guessing you _could_ go back in time and maybe it _could_ be helpful, but I dunno if you should."

"Why not?"

"For one thing, it _is_ dangerous, Raven. Things could really get messed up if you're spotted. It could change the future in so many ways."

"I know, so that's why I'll be careful! I'll stay hidden, write down what I see, and return to the present when I'm done. That way, everybody could know what really happened!"

"I see what you mean, Raven. Really, I do, but I just don't think this is a good idea. What you'd be doing… It isn't natural…"

I didn't hide my initial reaction very well. Robin could tell that I was very upset by this remark and he quickly explained himself.

"Look, I want what's best for you. Whether it's getting your memories back or not, you tell me what you want and I'll help you with it. We'll all help you. We got your back, remember? So you wanna get your memories back. Alright, I'm all for it, but going back in time to get them won't help you. You need your memories to be triggered again, that way you'll _really_ understand what happened. But going back in time to watch yourself isn't the way to go and neither is us telling you what happened. I'm _telling_ you: we just can't explain it. That's why you _need_ to know what happened because even we don't have the full story."

"What do you mean?"

"You know, we don't know what really happened either! We remember bits and pieces of it, but it's not enough to understand what happened to you, to understand what Slade did to you…"

"So going back in time _will_ help me. You won't even have to say anything. I could do everything on my own!"

"No, Raven. I'm not letting you do that."

"Then why are we giving up a chance to understand everything about the incident, about my amnesia?"

"It's 'cause we care about you!" Robin emphasized. "I'm not letting you ruin yourself when you don't know what you're getting into!"

The masked boy quietly recuperated himself. I looked away as well, hiding the hints of oncoming tears. There was that feeling again; I was hurt by what Robin had said, but I also couldn't help but worry if I was making the right decision. I second-guessed myself about everything. Was this even worth arguing for? Should I keep trying to get my memory back or should I just forget it all? Would that make things better or would it only make it worse?

_No, _I had told myself. _I need to know what happened. I need to know what I've done. It's the only way I'll ever get peace. I've made up my mind: I won't stop looking for my memories until the day I die. _

_But how?_ asked a voice from within. _Where could your memories be? Are they just deeper in your mind, or are they really gone? What would it take to trigger them? Can they even be triggered?_

These thoughts were starting to make me feel sick. I dropped my gaze to the floor, hoping that there was still a chance I could be cured of my amnesia, even when every other entity around me seemed to disagree. Robin watched me and then be beckoned me to follow him.

"Here, lemme take you someplace."

The elevator brought us to a different floor and I was led into a large, darkened chamber. It was seemingly empty, but as we entered, I realized that there were hundreds of display stands scattered throughout the room, creating the exhibit-like environment we would see in a museum. The only sources of light came from these individual presentations, illuminating the objects that were to be presented only to a limited number of eyes. I strolled alongside Robin, marvelling at the objects framed in halos of light. They were all carefully sealed in bullet-proof glass containers but I suspected that it wasn't for their monetary value.

"What is this place?" I asked.

"The Crime Lab," Robin answered. "This is where we do a lot of our research. Everything in this room was either found or taken from a criminal that we've fought. We got weapons and gear and all sorts of different loot that we thought was important, all recovered during our missions. And here… This is the most important part of our collection."

Robin walked over to a lone display centered in the room and I hurried to his side. For a moment, he just stood there, focused at what lay beyond the cube-shaped barrier. He was hesitant at first but then he clicked a hidden button, causing the glass to disappear and unearthing a strange piece of evidence.

Robin reached out and picked up a mask that was made entirely out of metal. It was split down the face, one side being silver and the other being orange, and it had only one eyehole for the wearer's visibility. It didn't take very long for me to recognize this.

"Wait," I said. "I remember this."

"What?"

"I remember this! I've seen this before!"

"You have?"

"Yeah!"

"When?" he prodded me. "How?"

"In my dreams! I've seen it in my dreams and I can prove it. Wait here! I'll be right back!"

Before Robin could stop me, I dashed into a large portal and I was transported into my unlit bedroom. There, I tore through my belongings until I found what I was looking for: my jet-black journal. I returned to the Crime Lab via another portal and I began to skim through its pages, looking for one of the more artistic additions to the collaboration. Prior to him speaking, I didn't notice that Robin had been curiously staring at my journal.

"You have your journal back."

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I do."

"I thought it was ruined," he said.

"Yeah, Beast Boy fixed it for me a long time ago and then he gave it back to me as a gift. I forgot that we didn't tell anybody."

"How come?"

I shrugged. "I guess I hadn't really thought about it… Here. This is what I wanted to show you."

The masked Titan leaned in and observed the image I was pointing at. It was one of many pictures because I liked to sketch what I had seen in my dreams. Sometimes visual cues were easier to interpret than literal cues, and an example of this was attempting to describe the Man of Metal. His mask was his most iconic feature and it was one of the first things I had drawn because it was one of the first things I had seen. I wasn't very good at drawing and the sketch wasn't very detailed, but even Robin could realize what it represented.

"This is Slade's mask," Robin whispered bitterly. "It looks exactly like his mask."

"Yeah! See? I _have_ seen this before!" I exclaimed. "Slade was in my dreams!"

"But that doesn't make sense."

"What doesn't?"

"If you dreamt about him, then you should know who he is, right? Do you know who he is, Raven?"

I was bewildered by his question. "Yeah, that's Slade."

"No. Do you _know_ who he is?"

I opened my mouth to speak, hesitated, and then closed it in shame. I shook my head. "No," I said. "Not really. But I've heard his name so many times that it feels like I know him."

"Slade's the one that gave you your amnesia," Robin told me. "Slade's the one that took you down. He captured you and he did something, I don't know what, but he's gonna pay for it. It's all his fault, not yours."

"Why did he capture me?"

"I don't know. It didn't make any sense to us. Nobody expected it, Raven, and why would we? It was so out of the blue. We didn't know what was happening before it was too late, and even now we don't understand what really happened.

"I just don't get it," Robin went on. "You don't remember him but you can recognize him. Does that really mean you know enough to dream about Slade?"

"Maybe, but I've seen him before," I said firmly. "I _know_ I have, and I know that he's the reason why I'm like this, but I just don't remember what happened. Robin, I _need_ to know what happened!"

"And you will. We want to know what happened because we don't understand what happened. We all remember it differently. We all have our own memories of the incident. We all saw it, but not as much as you. That's why getting _your_ memories back is what's important, alright? _You_ need to remember what _you_ saw, not what we saw. This isn't something that can be explained to you. You need to _understand_ it for yourself: you need to _remember _it. Our story has its holes too. We can fill you in as much as we can, but I'm sure you've seen much more than us. That's the only way we'll ever solve anything."

"Then I'll find a way, Robin. I'll find a way to get my memories back and I won't stop until I do."

"I know you will."

Despite his genuine smile, I could sense the worry in Robin, and he had every right to be worried. Nevermore had been in trouble for a long time, possibly even before I was diagnosed with amnesia. My Emoticlones all suffered some sort of damage and many of them could barely sustain themselves. They could have all disappeared if this was ignored, ruining my powers forever, and I have the Titans to thank for preventing this.

The training and the therapy they've done for me was what saved Nevermore. I wouldn't have learned about this on my own and if I was alone, I never would've been able to diagnose and treat myself as the Titans had done. They understood what must have been happening with my Emoticlones and they helped in the best way that they could, even if it involved a few lies along the way. However, nobody could've guessed how much deeper this problem actually went.

Rage, Lust, and Calm were very different from the other Emoticlones. While they were all weakened by the amnesia, Happy and Wisdom and Brave and everyone else were still a part of me because they were the more basic components of my personality, the primary moods I tend to express throughout the day; anger, sexual desire, and composure were not very common and it became apparent that they were somehow separated from Nevermore.

The Titans didn't know very much about this‒and I can't blame them for that‒so it was up to me to figure this out. Why were they separated in the first place? Was is because of my amnesia? Was it because losing my memories changed my personality? I forgot all about my time as a Teen Titan. I couldn't recall the heroes I've befriended and the villains I've fought, and worst of all, I couldn't remember the closest things I have to a family: the Teen Titans themselves. That's when I became very critical of myself; do memories have an impact on identity?

I lost a majority of my memories, many of them scattered all throughout my brain, and the Titans comment all the time about the little things that changed and also the little things that haven't changed. There was a time when I was very skittish around the Titans. I was so intimidated by them and I refused to let them help me, just like a stubborn child, and I do admit to crying like one too. On the other side, I've also shown a lot more innocence and curiosity to the world. Beast Boy said I never would've admitted he was funny back then, although after my amnesia, I was more open to laughing at his jokes. The Titans say these changes were a little peculiar. They weren't something the "normal" Raven would've done, but this couldn't have been a bad thing, right? I did change over time, but should've it been a concern? Should things go back to the way they were, when I was dull and monotonous and unexpressive, or should they stay the way that they were? I couldn't help but wonder if I should accept these changes or try to change back to the "normal" Raven.

These moods swings were directly derived from Nevermore. Rage was on the loose, Lust and Calm were unable to experience their emotions, and the other Emoticlones were nearly gone as well. This was what made me question myself. Are memories what makes me _me?_ If I hadn't lost my memories, if I wasn't struck with amnesia, would things still be the same? Would _I_ still be the same? Would Rage and Lust and Calm have become separated from me like how they were? Would I have laughed at Beast Boy's jokes and admitted that he was funny? What if I had different memories? What if I learned that everything I knew now was false; would this change me again? Would I become a different person?

What determines identity anyway? Is it my actions, my appearance, my demonic DNA? Was I always born to be like this? Does my DNA determine my personality, my beliefs, and my values, or do my memories and my past experiences determine these? Who would I be without either of these things? Who would I be if I had both of these things?

What about now? What is my identity now? Who am I? Who have I become? Have I always been the same Raven in the past? Will I be the same Raven in the future?

All of these changes had something to do with my amnesia and the incident that caused it, but I still can't figure out an answer to these questions.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Just a quick note in here! When I first started writing this story (about two years ago…), the room I was referring to in this chapter was called the Crime Lab on the wikipedia. I used this term throughout the chapters because I knew it would be referenced again later in the story (when Robin and Raven would meet there to talk about Slade), but for some reason, on the Teen Titans Wiki, it's now called the Evidence Room! Weird… I'm probably gonna change this once I finish _Amnesia_ but I'll leave it like this for now for consistency, and so that people would recognize this :) Sorry if there was confusion!

And remember, I'm open for suggestions, requests, and ideas in your comments for _Amnesia!_ I'm always happy to see reviews and I'm always happy to answer any questions :) Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and I hope to see everybody again soon!


	55. Dead End

**Author's Note:** Alright, you guys are awesome and I got another chapter for y'all because of that, but first, I need to address something.

The day after I posted Chapter 54, I got a guest review. I debated whether or not I should keep it (you will see why in just a moment) and in the end, I deleted it, but only after I copied-and-pasted it here so I could show everybody. This is what it said (and I'm letting you know now, there's some not-so-nice words in it):

…

You know, when I first saw this fanfic had like 50 chapters I was so fucking excited cause it seemed like a cool story, and you don't see a lot of those on this site. So imagine my frustration when I couldn't even make it past the second goddamn chapter. For fucks sake: you even have to describe EVERY FUCKING DETAIL OF EVERY FUCKING THAT EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER MAKES? Here's a little tip: just because your writings long with lots of big fancy words you found in a thesaurus doesn't make it as sophisticated as it sounded in your fucking head, it just means one hell of a migraine for your reader (which I'm surprised you have any at all). No, I don't want several paragraphs about Raven opening her eyes. No, I don't want a fucking lecture about Raven putting food in her mouth. I want the fucking story I read about in the description.

It's no wonder you have 54 chapters, you just have to stretch it to its absolute fucking maximum.

In short: TL-fucking-DR, fuck you and your shitty pretentious fanfic, please staple all your fingers together so you can longer type and I won't have to see this cancerous clusterfuck of a fic anymore.

…

Yeah, honestly, I couldn't even read everything word-for-word because it scared the living crap outta me. I was so shocked and I felt so sick that I started typing this out right away. My fingers are shaking and you can't blame me for wanting to delete it. But I also need to explain myself and, in a way, I'm not really upset by this comment…

I swear, I can't even believe that I still have people following me, that I still have people reading this, because yeah! I know the first chapters of _Amnesia_ suck! I think Book One sucks! Trust me! Even _I_ don't like to read it! But those chapters were written over 2 years ago, when I thought that big, fancy words and long, detailed paragraphs were what it took to be a good writer! And, obviously, I was wrong.

I have improved so much throughout these 2 years. I started embracing simpler vocabulary to make the complex ones more important. I started thinking about syntax, varying my sentence lengths so the reader is always interested, and breaking up the chapters with horizontal lines to keep it short and straight to the point. More importantly, I've done my best to keep detailed descriptions to a minimum. While they are my specialty (I love describing things okay…), I understand now that it can bore the reader and that it shouldn't be used frequently. This way, when an infrequent, detailed description does appear, the reader would be more interested to read it.

For the record, I _will_ be revising _Amnesia_ once I finish it. I could finish the chapters this year, but it will most likely take another year before I will have finished editing and revising and fixing all of the mistakes in these chapters, especially those chapters in Book One. Then, once _Amnesia_ is the best as I can make it, I will post an epilogue, which will be the official end to this story. This is my plan and I will go through with this, and this comment only reinforced my determination to fix my earlier works.

Yes, I know. I hate those chapters too, which is why I'm really appreciative of readers like you guys. Getting through Book One must've been hell, and seeing people here on Chapter 54 and still commenting makes me so happy. I only wish **Guest** had signed in so I could thank them for commenting, and thank them for encouraging me to keep improving. If only they had said it a little kinder… XD

And now, my replies to some of the other (much more kinder) comments:

**Allen Blaster:** Slade will come into play very soon. How, you may ask? Well, feel free to theorize until then! Glad to hear you liked the last chapter :) I wanted to make sure that, even though this is a BB/Rae fic, the other Titans aren't left out or ignored. I think it's really important to establish relationships like these! Every Titan played a part in this story, from Starfire training with her, to Cyborg caring for her in the Infirmary, to Robin teaching her about her powers. Her love is with Beast Boy, but Raven and Robin are close friends too and I'm happy that you agree with me on this :) I hope we get to talk again real soon!

**DRON261095:** I suspected it was you but I didn't want to state it unless I was entirely sure XD And thank you! Yeah this story is confusing, even I'm confused sometimes, but we can all figure this out together! And again thank you. I really like Spanish and I'd like to be bilingual in the future, but I get really scared to speak it. Reading it and writing it are my strongest subjects, as well as having a handy-dandy Google Translate nearby too :) I will definitely keep working on it. Hope everything is going well over there in Guatemala!

**Santoramon:** Thanks Santoramon! I'm setting up everybody for these next few chapters. After the next chapter, things will get heated and then it'll be back-to-back action and drama, so you can imagine how excited I am to write it :) I hope you enjoy the next chapter!

**RachelGarfield12:** I'll give you a little spoiler: this story _will_ have a happy ending. Does that mean Raven gets her memory back? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, or maybe I'm just messing with you :) I hope you enjoy this update!

Thanks again and I think it's time you guys start reading what's _really_ interesting here :)

**A Previous Summary:** Raven and Beast Boy are woken up by an alarm, indicating a mission. After successfully including Rage in Nevermore, she is much more expressive and her powers are stronger. This allows her to help the Titans defeat Overload as a team. Raven is happy about her victory, but now that Nevermore is united, she believes her prime goal now should be to cure her amnesia. She speaks with Robin about her concern and he takes her to the Crime Lab, where Raven sees Slade's old mask. Raven now knows that Slade was in her dreams, that he's the Man of Metal, and she's inspired to figure out how to get her memories back. After all, Raven fears that without them, she may never know who she truly is.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 55: _Dead End_

I now had a new objective. I had already spent months learning how to use my astral abilities and many more months learning how to cope with my Emoticlones, as well as befriending the Titans along the way. It took time, patience, and plenty of practice to accomplish all of these, but in the end, my hard work paid off. Nevermore was finally united and I couldn't be happier with myself. However, I still had unfinished business. My only objective now was to cure my amnesia and it was the last thing I needed to do in order to end this bygone era.

After Robin and I had parted ways, I headed straight for my bedroom and shut the door. It was time to hit the books again. I had already spent a lot of time researching my amnesia, but now I was looking for a solution _for_ my amnesia. There were theories to my amnesia: that I still remembered bits and pieces of my memories, that it was connected to my dreams, that it could all be revived if they were simply triggered. The flaw to this was that I couldn't think of an effective method to trigger my forgotten memories.

Usually, if someone had forgotten something, their memory could be triggered by inspecting an image, smelling a fragrance, or listening to a noise. However, my memories were harder to reach. The Titans had already tried showing me my old belongings and they even allowed me to sleep in my old bedroom. Nothing had worked. If anything, my dreams seemed to be the only connection to my memories and I had no idea how to harness this to my advantage.

I did a little research about dreaming from this large, ancient textbook. It talked about all sorts of visions that individuals could see, whether they are unconscious or not, and about their meanings. It also mentioned dreaming practices, like being able to control what you're dreaming or help you recover forgotten dreams. The more advanced‒and mythical‒portion of the book mentioned spells that could allow individuals to enter another's mind and control their dreams. Although I do admit to considering it, I eventually rejected the idea. It was too risky for someone else to enter my mind, even with the prospect of triggering my memories, so I was back to concocting another plan to cure my amnesia.

Time passed as I consumed the mystic material from my library, going through page after page, book after book. It was difficult to remain focused and I almost nodded off a few times, but I wasn't so easily discouraged. Whenever I truly needed a break from researching, I simply began to meditate. Making contact with Nevermore was a good way to ease the stress and sometimes my Emoticlones had good ideas to share.

_Are you sure the Titans won't budge?_

"No," I said to Brave. "They won't tell me anything. It's all up to me."

_Well that's just stupid,_ Rude commented. _They aren't even helping! Some friends you got…_

"They have their reasons. Robin said that he can't tell me everything because I need to-"

_Yeah yeah yeah. It's 'cause "you need to remember it yourself" and "it's for your own good" and blah blah blah…_

"Well you aren't much help either."

_At least I'm honest with you! The Titans haven't always been honest._

"But they've had good intentions."

_People can do bad things with good intentions,_ said Rage in a rough voice.

_Look who's talking,_ Rude snarled.

"All I'm trying to do is get my memories back, alright?" I finished. "I know what my friends are doing so I'm not going to give them grief about it. I _need_ to remember what happened if I'm ever going to cure my amnesia and the Titans can't help very much anyway because they don't even know what happened! That's why I need my memories back! I know they're in there. I just need to remember…"

_But how?_ asked Affection. _What else can we do?_

_You should try dreaming again,_ said Sloth. _A nap does sound good right about now._

"Maybe you're right. What if there's a way I could trigger more dreams? Maybe if I dream more often, I'll recover some of my memories, maybe even trigger a few too!"

_It's not as easy as it sounds,_ Rage told me.

"Why not? I've dreamt before. I'm sure I can dream again!"

_Well I'm not doing anything like that anymore._

"What?"

_Raven. _Wisdom's voice spoke out to me and I turned my attention to her. _Your dreams are very unpredictable. It is very difficult to control your own dreams and there is no guarantee that the dream would be related to your past. Dreams are often a combination of knowledge and imagination, which means it cannot be relied on for the truth._

"But my dreams do mean something."

_Of course. It means that you do remember your past, that your past is not forgotten. It is simply lost within your mind. Your memories can be returned if it is encouraged, but you would need a powerful trigger._

"And that's the thing!" I exclaimed. "How am I supposed to trigger my memories?! I don't know what to do! I can't talk to the Titans about it because nobody will tell me anything! They don't think it's enough to trigger my memories. There's nothing I can do!"

_What if you asked other people besides the Titans?_ suggested Affection. _I mean, they won't tell us anything, right? What about the people in Jump City? What about the villains in Jump City? Maybe they know something?_

"No, I can't. It's too risky! Again, they can't just tell me their side of the story. I need to do something to trigger it, something big and bold. Robin said they can help me, but they can't tell me anything unless I already know about it. The same goes for anybody else."

_Didn't know the Titans hated giving away spoilers…_

"It's not like that, Rude. They're just worried that if they tell me the truth then I won't understand it or it won't make sense to me. For all I know, I might not even believe them if it's that bad, and who says knowing the truth will even trigger my memories?"

_There's only one way of knowing._

"But am I willing to take _that_ risk?"

There was a collective pause in Nevermore. My Emoticlones all had different opinions on how to cope with the situation, but I had to dictate which Emoticlone I valued the most. Obviously, Sloth had a good point and I had the same suspicions about my dreams and nightmares for a long time. Wisdom countered the idea of using my dreams to get information and Affection thought that we could get more information from people aside from the Titans. They all made sense, but I didn't know if I was making the right decision. Deep down, I could also sense Rage feeling the same way.

"I better get back to reading," I said aloud. "There's still some books that could be helpful for the cause. I should research some more before I try anything else."

_As you wish, Raven,_ said Wisdom. _We grant you the best of luck on your endeavor. Speak with us if we are ever needed._

"Okay, I will. Seeya."

A few hours later, after I had skimmed through several other cryptic novels about the physics of time-travel, I heard a soft knock at the door. I informed the visitor that the door was unlocked and then I went back to my reading, not wanting to miss a single word from the text. Cyborg stepped inside, presenting a tray of food in his metal hands. When I looked to him, he raised an eyebrow and flashed a mysterious smirk.

"You know it's morning now, right?" he said.

"Wait, really?"

I dashed over to the window and drew back the shades to confirm my suspicions. Just as Cyborg had said, the sun was rising above the horizon, promising another day of clear weather and relentless sunshine. I had been so busy researching and studying that I had stayed up all night. The thought to sleep didn't cross my mind because I felt so preoccupied with my new endeavor.

"Wow," I breathed. "I can't believe I stayed up all night again."

"You and me both." Cyborg entered my bedroom, careful to avoid stepping on books and lit candles. He set the tray down on my bed and I approached his side, leering at the slices of toast and the large mug of herbal tea. "Man, I feel like I'm just doing this more and more," he chuckled, and I laughed too.

"Yeah. But I always appreciate it. Thanks again, Cyborg."

"Anytime."

Cyborg left, I ate the small meal in silence, and then I continued to work my way through the books on my bookshelf. Not all of them were helpful, but I took the time to give each enough attention to determine whether or not they were worth reading. I took in account every conceivable idea that I could come up with, no matter how ridiculous it seemed. I didn't think lucid-dreaming and time-travel were my only options: I thought about using witchcraft and spells to jar my memory.

After all, magic was another component to my being, just as much as my demonic heritage, so I had hoped that maybe there a cure for my amnesia in one of these spellbooks.

I read about curses that could hypnotize victims, alter their personality, or control their mind. Some spells even had the power to eradicate memories, possibly inducing a permanent memory loss. It was all very dark magic so it required rare ingredients and satanic lyrics to commence them. However, as I read on, I found that there were no spells to return lost or forgotten memories. There were spells that could reverse these amnesiatic curses, but they only worked on the particular curse with which the victim was bewitched. This meant that unless one of these curses was used on me, the spells wouldn't cure anything. I was still determined to find out.

I performed every reverse-hex that I was able to do. Many of them were simpler than their initiative counterparts and they could be completed in a matter of minutes. To my disappointment, this didn't ensure positive results. Nothing seemed to be working. My measurements were precise and I had spoken the words without stuttering, but there was no improvement to my amnesia.

I double-checked my work so I could be sure that I did every step correctly. Looking back through the text, I realized that many of these hexes‒despite their dark magic‒weren't very powerful. I saw a few spells that could erase memories and change them at the conjurer's will, but none of them seemed strong enough to cause a severe, spotted amnesia similar to the one that I was experiencing.

It felt like I had hit a dead end. I had used everything from medicine and sorcery and even home-remedies to cure my amnesia and nothing was working. I knew then that whatever had caused it wasn't natural and I would have to go to even greater lengths in order to achieve my next goal.

Only, how much more was I willing to go through with this? How much longer would it take to get my memory back? What _would_ it take to get my memory back? Was my memory even _going_ to come back or was I doomed from the start?

I was utterly heartbroken that a whole day's worth of researching meant nothing. I hadn't made progress at all and I didn't learn any new information. I almost wanted to burn the books in front of me. Instead, they were kicked away and I sat back, trying my hardest not to cry at the thought of living with amnesia for the rest of my life. At this point, it seemed what was most likely to happen.

"Hey, Raven? You still in there?"

Beast Boy knocked on my door a few moments later but I didn't answer him right away. He knocked a second time and I wiped my tears away before I told him that I wasn't in a good mood. Naturally, Beast Boy insisted that we talk about it and he refused to leave me alone until I agreed to hang out with him.

"You need a break from studying anyway," he said through the door. "C'mon. Let's get some fresh air."

* * *

"I just wish I could get this over with already."

"Get over what? Your amnesia?"

"Just… _everything._"

A gloved hand reached around my waist and brought me closer to Beast Boy's side. I kept my gaze on the horizon steady. The sun watched us from above, clouds constantly interfering with its rays of light. The ocean bounced beneath our dangling feet and waves were quietly lapping ashore as if not wanting to disturb our conversation. It frustrated me that I could feel so upset on such a beautiful day.

"I don't know what to do anymore," I sighed. "I can't think of anything."

"Have you talked to your Emoticlones about this?"

"Yeah, and they had some ideas, but I don't think any of them would work."

"There's gotta be another way."

"But there isn't!" I insisted. "I thought of everything! I thought about all sorts of therapy and medicines and spells and even time-travel, but it isn't working! There's nothing I can do to get my memories back. There's nothing I can do that's strong enough to safely trigger them."

"It's like you said, Raven. They're _in_ there. You _know_ they're in there. You just hafta reach for them."

"But how?! There's nothing I can do!" I took a moment to calm my nerves. I was getting very animated and I could sense Beast Boy accommodating to my mood as well. "You wouldn't happen to have any other bright ideas, would you?"

"No, not really," said the pea-green boy. "You've heard it before: we wanna help, but not in a way that involves us telling you what happened. You gotta figure it out for yourself and remember it for yourself and… you get the picture."

"Yeah. I know. I'm just really upset, Beast Boy. I can't think of anything else to do and right now, it's the last thing I want to think about…"

I leaned my head on Beast Boy's shoulder and grieved over the hopeless situation. Beast Boy reciprocated the action, but he didn't agree with my response. To my surprise, after a minute of complete silence, Beast Boy began to whisper words that were all too familiar to me.

It was the poem. The same poem that he recited while I dozed in a gurney many weeks ago, the same poem that is written on the first page of my journal, the same poem that is specifically addressed to me. I closed my eyes and listened to Beast Boy as he narrated the entire stanza from memory.

"Raven…

Please be safe from the night,

as you sleep by my side,

never in pain,

never restrained,

but always free to fly.

Shielded from harm,

from the evil that follows you as you pave

a life away from your haunting past,

from the false fate that you overthrew

for a life outside the boundaries of your heritage.

Promise me your safety and your protection,

and in return I promise you mine.

Balanced as one,

surrounded by our friends,

your life sustains along with my own,

for without your presence upon this Earth,

my heart will cease to beat."

We remained quiet a while longer, Beast Boy's voice drifting away in the maritime winds that churned above our heads. I could hear him sniff back his tears. Although the poem was for me, I knew it meant a lot to Beast Boy as well.

"The poem you wrote," I murmured. "It's beautiful."

Beast Boy laughed softly as he smeared his tears away. "You like it, huh?"

I sighed in reply.

"You wanna know why I wrote it for you?" he asked suddenly, to which I nodded. "Well, over two years ago, it was your birthday and, I'm sure you can tell, your birthday‒well, that _particular_ birthday‒was a big deal, but not for a good reason. You see, you were going to… you supposed to…"

"...become a portal for my father, Trigon." I finished. Beast Boy closed his eyes, sucked in a breath, and swallowed hard. The memories he was seeing, the ones that I couldn't remember, were very painful for him. I held onto him tighter.

"Yeah," he said. "It was this stupid prophecy about how you would die and how the world would go into flames and how there was nothing we could do‒nothing you could do‒to stop it. It was horrible. The thought of losing you and being the only people on Earth that survived was horrible, Raven. We didn't know what to do with ourselves. We tried to fight in any way that we could but it seemed so hopeless. Trigon was too powerful and we were still so upset about what happened, about watching you leave us."

"So what did you do?"

"Me? I fought an evil clone of myself to keep Trigon entertained. But Robin… he's the _real_ hero. He went into the depths of Earth with Slade to get you back."

"Robin went with _Slade?_" I repeated. "To get _me_ back?"

"Yeah. Crazy, right? Trust me, nobody‒not even Slade‒liked this idea, but we got you back, more or less, and that's what mattered. So then, a whole year after that, we celebrated your birthday again and I wrote that poem for you. I know it's cheesy, okay? I can't rhyme and it took a long time for me to write that crap, but it was my way of telling you how proud I was of you, of how happy I was to have you as my girlfriend. I just hoped you could look past the ugliness and find a deeper meaning…"

"Don't worry," I laughed. "I love it. It was so sweet of you to do that. And you're right, after all."

"About what?"

"In the last part of the poem, you tell me that 'darkness may be a better friend than the light,' but that doesn't mean they're my friend. It's the best advice you've given me yet. _At times, darkness may be a better friend than the light, but never forget who the enemy is._ You're right, Beast Boy. You were trying to warn me about the darkness inside me, about who I could become if I let my emotions get the best of me. You were talking about Rage all along but you couldn't tell me that directly, and it wasn't until now that I figured out what you really meant."

Beast Boy didn't say anything.

"Well I'm not waiting around anymore," I said. "I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to get answers."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to set things right. I'll figure out how to deal with my amnesia and make Slade pay for what he did, I'll be sure of it, and I'm not going to let me guard down about Rage because she can't be trusted, just like you said. I don't think I can trust any of my Emoticlones."

"Now, Raven…"

"Look, I'm not waiting around for this to happen," I said. "I'll do it myself if I have to."

"Okay, but please remember you're not alone, Rae," Beast Boy added. "Everyone's here for you, you know that, right? We got your back and I wanna help you as much as I can."

"I know you do, Beast Boy. You're my light. I'd be stupid to follow my instincts instead of you."

The green changeling looked like he wanted to say something to me, but he didn't have the heart to do it. I smiled at him kindly, showing him my appreciation, and then I curled up into his side. Beast Boy wrapped his arm around me and he kissed my forehead. I blushed when he told me that he loved me and I told him that I loved him too. He returned his gaze to the view beyond Titans Tower and I shut my eyes, tuning my senses to the every-changing environment around us.

"I'll find them," I kept saying under my breath. "I'll find my memories, Beast Boy."

"_Our _memories, Raven. I want you to remember us too."

He was right, after all. Robin had made this point earlier. There were a lot of memories that I had lost during my amnesia: events, dates, experiences, occasions. I couldn't remember very much of who I was as a person, like how I had astral abilities, and yet I knew that I had familial afflictions with a demonic entity named Trigon. My mind was very scattered and the amnesia seemed to affect only certain parts of it. More specifically, they were the _important_ parts of it.

I had forgotten so much of my past that my personality faced drastic changes. Without knowing where I was or who I was, how could I not react differently than the Raven in the past? I can't remember the first time I met the Teen Titans, or the villains that I've faced, or even the first time I got my period. I forgot about all of this and so much more than I could imagine. However, despite all the personal memories I had lost, I realized that the Titans and I shared a lot of memories as well.

It was true; I forgot about the relationships that I've built with the Titans and all of the memories that we've made together over the years. But that's the thing; the Titans still remember and the person who I've spent the most time with is Beast Boy. Compared to everyone else, we had made the most memories together due to our close relationship.

Beast Boy knew me long before and after my amnesia. He remembered what I was like, how I used to act and interact, even the little quirks of mine that I hadn't noticed. Beast Boy also remembered how I had changed after the incident. He watched me lose a huge part of myself and become almost a whole different person in such a short amount of time. Beast Boy knew me better than I knew myself and there was no denying it.

The memories of Beast Boy and of the Teen Titans themselves seemed to be the best option to pursue. I could surely benefit from their knowledge of the past. However, as Robin had clarified, they couldn't tell me anything, which made sense. I doubted any of the Titans could recollect everything from the incident to now anyway without missing an important detail. They do remember a majority of the scheme, but sometimes, while those memories still exist, they can't remember them unless those memories are triggered. This is very similar to my amnesia.

There are millions and millions of moments in life that are embedded within our minds. You may think you've forgotten about it, but all it takes is a certain smell, a certain voice, a certain sensation, to remind you of that one moment. It's a magical feeling, a strange concept of the conscious, and it happens. It's completely natural for this to happen and everyone experiences it throughout their life, whether they want it to happen or not.

The Titans know what happened to me. Although they don't know very much, it's still more than what I know. It's embedded in their minds, embedded in their memories. It would be difficult for them to articulate it without forgetting something but that doesn't mean they've forgotten it completely. It would still be in there, deep in their mind, out of reach yet ripe for the harvest.

That's when I sat up a little straighter.

"Beast Boy… I think I know what to do now…"

* * *

**Author's Note:** I know I know, another weird cliffhanger, and the chapter is shorter than usual, but no worries! I can't tell you how excited I am for these next few chapters. After the next one, things will get dramatic and action-packed, and I'm sure you guys are ready to find out what _really_ happened before Raven's amnesia :) So I'll see everybody in 2 weeks! Goodbye!


	56. A Spark in the Dark

**Author's Note:** Hey there! I'm so sorry about posting so late into the day, but I have a long chapter that's ripe and ready to be read! I'll just get a few of these comments answered first:

**Allen Blaster:** You definitely have the right idea, Adam! Only, it's not her mind that Raven will be going into… (oops, did I say that out loud?) And I totally agree about Raven and Robin. They really are close friends, but people may confuse that for love. Yes, it is love, but not the love that Robin feels for Starfire. They do have their moments in the story and I value their friendship, but Raven also has a close relationship with Beast Boy, which we will once again see in this chapter :) I hope you like it!

**DRON261095:** Thank you so much for your kindness. I really appreciate your support in my writing, especially after that one review, and I also appreciate you encouraging me to continue practicing Spanish. I really do love the language. I got a 4 on my AP Spanish test, which I'm really happy about, but I have a long way to go before I truly understand the language. You are obviously very good at speaking English. I know that writing may be a challenge for you, but honestly, I couldn't even tell you weren't a native English speaker because your writing is very good! I aspire to be bilingual just like you one day, so thank you so much for the encouragement :) Enjoy the chapter!

**Santoramon:** Your comment made me smile so much :) Thank you for sticking with me. I know the story is hard to get by sometimes and I know that even I find it difficult to write it, but it makes me so happy to know that people truly enjoy what I'm trying to make. I love getting lost in stories too! I feel like a majority of stories on here are short and sweet and straight-to-the-point, which isn't bad, but I do love the longer stories with twists and turns too. That's what I wanted to write over two years ago and I'm still trying to accomplish this. It isn't easy, but it's very fulfilling, especially when wonderful people like you take their time to read it :)

**RachelGarfield12:** AHHHHHHHH IM SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITINGGGGG I GOT ANOTHER LARGE CHAPTER FOR YOU THOUGHHHHH SO I HOPE THIS MAKES UP FOR ITTTTTT OH AND BTW HERES YOU BOOKKKK SORRY AGAINNNNN

**JasonVUK:** The good thing about this chapter is that, although it is long, you'll find out right away what Raven intends to do. I think it might surprise you! :D Enjoy!

**Kayda-Starr:** My exact thoughts whenever I get writer's block and I can't write a new chapter lol

And that's it! I'll talk to you guys after the chapter because I know people are excited to read :) Happy reading!

**A Previous Summary:** Raven has a new objective in her life: she wants to cure her amnesia but she has no idea how to go about on this endeavor. She researches through her library and consults with her Emoticlones, coming up with several ideas on how to trigger her memories. However, after a whole day's worth of studying, Raven couldn't come up with a single reliable solution. Beast Boy ultimately convinces Raven to take a break from studying. They go onto the roof together and enjoy each other's company, but Raven is still disheartened by her objective. Wanting to encourage her, Beast Boy recites the poem he wrote for her and this starts a conversation between the two Titans about their relationship. As Raven is thinking about the last thing that Beast Boy had said, she suddenly comes up with the solution that she has been looking for.

* * *

**Amnesia**

Chapter 56: _A Spark in the Dark_

"Did you say something, Rae?"

"Beast Boy," I gasped. "I got an idea. I think I figured out how to get my memories back!"

"Really?" he asked, clearly impressed. "Already? Where did this come from? Did ya blink out on me or something?"

"I don't know! I feel fine but the idea came up out of nowhere. Now that I think about it, I think it could really work…"

"Well don't leave me hanging! What did you come up with?"

"Okay, so here's what I'm thinking," I said. "My memories and your memories can't be _that _different from each other, right?" Beast Boy nodded. "I mean, like you said, pieces to the puzzle will be missing, but we all saw the same things. We all saw the big picture on the day of the incident, right? Now I don't remember _my_ part of the story, but you remember yours, so I thought about what could happen if I saw your memories."

"My memories?" Beast Boy asked hesitantly.

"Yeah! Don't you get it? Maybe if I saw what happened from your perspective then not only will I know what happened, I'll be _experiencing_ it! I need something strong to trigger my memories, remember? Something that will inspire my old thoughts and feelings, so I think _your_ thoughts and feelings might be what it takes to trigger my own memories!"

"How are we supposed to do that?"

"It'll be quick. All I have to do is go inside your head, and then once I'm in there, I dig around and search through your conscience until-"

Beast Boy immediately objected to my idea. "Wait wait wait… you want to _go inside_ my head?"

"Yeah. That's the only way I can reach your memories."

"Have you ever _been_ inside someone's brain before?"

"Well, no," I stuttered. "But I can learn! I'll learn as I go along and I'm sure I'll learn a lot more once I see your memories."

"Do you know how risky that is?" Beast Boy demanded. "You'll be _inside_ my head, Raven. How is that supposed to be easy if you've never done it before? What if you see the wrong memories while you're in there? Huh? What if you stumble into the part of my mind that tells you my darkest secrets?"

"What? Like how you still pick your nose?" I chuckled.

"I didn't say that."

"I know you well enough to know that you still pick your nose, Beast Boy."

"Whatever! My point is if you go inside my head, you'd have free reign of the place. You could do whatever you want in there, see whatever you want in there, and I couldn't help it if you see something you weren't supposed to."

"So you don't trust me?" I asked.

"No. I just don't think you'd trust me if you go too far…"

I softened my posture. Beast Boy was very assertive with his opinion about my idea and I had to respect it. He feared about what could happen if I ventured too deep into his consciousness and, honestly, that thought had crossed my mind as well.

Nothing would be stopping me if I spontaneously decided to see what Beast Boy had seen prior to the incident. I could get a glimpse of my past-life through Beast Boy's eyes and I won't lie: I've always been a little curious about it. But I told myself that experiencing what Beast Boy went through before the incident wasn't the best option.

Although I want to know about my past-life, this knowledge should return as long as my amnesia is cured, and I figured that the best way to trigger my memories was experiencing the incident. I wouldn't need to interact with any other part of Beast Boy's mind, but this wasn't so assuring to him.

"This isn't a game, Beast Boy," I said. "This is serious. This is important to me. I wouldn't joke around inside your mind and you're right. It _is_ risky and I know I could hurt you in there, but I think this is our best bet to triggering my memories."

"I don't think it would work," the green changeling told me earnestly. "I can't tell you anything, remember? My lips are sealed."

"Then show me," I whispered. "Show me what you saw. Show me what you heard. Show me what happened all those months ago."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna do that."

I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. I got to my feet and stared down at the pea-green boy, who remained sitting on the roof. "Beast Boy, listen to me."

"No, Raven."

"I don't know what else to do!" I pleaded. "This is our only option!"

"No! I won't go through with this!"

"You don't understand! I need to _experience_ it through your eyes. If I see everything, if I feel everything, then it'll surely trigger something! You have to let me do this!"

"I said no! It won't work, Raven. You'll only feel worse about it!"

"You don't know that."

"No! I do! Reliving my memories won't help you. I don't even know that much!"

"But you still know more than me."

"Nothing that'll make you happy."

"Then so what?!" I shouted. "Maybe this is what it'll take to trigger my memories! Maybe I can piece our memories together and we can all figure out what happened; the cause of my amnesia, the separation with my Emoticlones, Slade's part in this scheme, our damaged relationship. We can do this together. We could figure _everything_ out!"

"Or maybe nothing will happen," Beast Boy said grimly. "Maybe what you'll see won't make any sense to you. Maybe it won't trigger anything besides more trauma for you. What _I_ saw still scares _me_, Raven, and I don't want to scare you too. It won't help. I won't let you do this to yourself. I'd rather have you live without seeing what I saw."

"It's worth a try… Isn't it? Isn't a chance for us to be happy reason enough for you to let me do this?"

This obviously struck a chord with Beast Boy and he hung his head in resentment. However, despite his hesitation, his answer was firm.

"Raven, I'm telling you, even I don't know what I saw that day. I've thought about it a thousand times and I'll be thinking about it until the day I die, but I don't think we'll ever find out what really happened."

"If you would just let me-"

"No! I won't! I won't let you do this! I know you're trying to help, but you'll only make things worse for yourself. It's not worth it! Raven, if you go through with this, you won't be happy about it. I know you won't. It's not good and it's for your own good if you just stay away from my mind."

I was starting to lose my voice. Nothing I was speaking was articulated clearly. "But I- I need my memories back. I want to know what happened."

"You don't want to know what happened, Raven. Trust me on this. I know it's not your fault but, honestly, there's no _real_ proof that it wasn't your fault. I don't want you getting involved."

"So you're just going to leave it at that? An open case? We'll never find an answer for this unless we do something!"

"But it can't be this. I don't want to do this, Raven. Please. The pain you'll put me through, the pain I'll put you through; it isn't worth getting your memories back. I don't want you to go in there, not when I can't control what you'll see. You hafta understand; it's what I want for you."

"Have you ever considered what I'd want?"

I watched Beast Boy's eyes widen and then I turned to leave. He called after me in hopes of explaining himself again, but this only motivated me to go faster; nothing he could've said would've changed my mind.

I marched off of the roof and flew down the staircase until I was a good distance away from him. Then I got to my feet and exited into a hallway. I was muttering things to myself, my mind still imaging the things I wanted to say to Beast Boy. I barely had the decency to keep my mouth shut.

_He doesn't understand how much this means to me,_ I thought. _He doesn't understand how selfish he is being. I have a right to know what happened but he's being so stubborn! Why is Beast Boy being so stubborn? It's not fair! Why won't he help me? Why won't he show me what he saw? I should know what he saw! It's not fair!_

"Woah there!"

I was so distracted by my thoughts that I didn't notice Cyborg in time. We were both rounding the same corner in a corridor and I would've bumped into him if the mechanical man himself wasn't paying attention. I lamely apologized for the accident.

"Oh. Sorry. I was spacing-out."

"Not a problem, Raven," said Cyborg. "Hey, have you seen BB around? I need to kick his butt for leaving his laundry outside my door again."

"Yeah, he's on the roof," I uttered.

"Okay. Thanks."

We started to go our separate ways again, but I didn't walk very far. I turned and watched Cyborg going back the way I came, where he would ultimately come across Beast Boy. I had no doubt that Cyborg would figure out something was wrong and he would continue to pester the green changeling until he admits what had happened between us. I cringed at that thought.

Even though I wanted to keep this argument personal, I knew that the Titans were going to hear about it one way or another, and I didn't want them to hear it from Beast Boy. This was my idea. This was my only option. I wanted to be the one to explain it first.

"Wait… Cyborg? Can I ask you something?"

The mechanical man stopped just before he reached the stairs and he turned around. "Yeah, what's up?"

I hurried over to him and opened my mouth to speak, but I hesitated to say what was on my mind. Instead, I quickly changed the subject.

"Actually, before I start, I want Robin and Starfire to hear this too. Where are they?"

"I just saw them in the Gym on my way here."

"Great. We should go get them now."

"Gimme a sec. I really need to talk to that Grass Stain about his laundry first."

"Cyborg, please," I begged. "This is important and it won't take long. I promise. Just hear me out first. Please."

Cyborg hesitated to come with me, but once he noticed that my eyes were bloodshot from crying recently, he complied.

"Alright. Let's go."

As Cyborg had mentioned, we found the masked boy and the tangerine girl training in the Gym together. They were in the middle of doing acrobatic stunts and Cyborg and I were in no hurry to disturb them. In fact, we spent a good ten minutes watching the couple perform their techniques.

I never realized just how much Robin and Starfire knew each other until I watched them train that day. Robin could toss Starfire into the air as if she was weightless, and likewise, Starfire could pull Robin into the air with her as if he was weightless. The two Titans could coordinate their movements without any sort of communication and they were doing it right then and there. They jumped and flipped and dove about the room. They delivered kicks and punches and other combat maneuvers to the imaginary enemies they were fighting. I felt like I was watching a dramatic ballet recital. They worked so effortlessly together, so flawlessly together, but Robin and Starfire weren't expecting an audience.

They performed only for themselves and they were the only audience they needed.

"Bravo, bravo! Good dancing you two!"

Robin and Starfire had finished in a pose that left Starfire in Robin's arms and Robin leaning over her. It looked like they were about to kiss and I almost suggested to give them their privacy. Unfortunately, Cyborg spoke up before I did.

"Oh, h- hey guys."

"Friends! For what amount of time have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to know that you two have been practicing your moves," Cyborg answered for them. "And your moves are good. Very good."

Robin chuckled bashfully and Starfire smiled broadly. They came over to greet us and I proceeded to apologize for interrupting their training, to which they assured me wasn't a big deal. They seemed more invested in the reason why I was there.

"So what's going on?" asked Robin. "Is there something we need to talk about?"

"Actually, I have that same question." Cyborg stepped back so he could face me properly. "Why _did_ ya bring us here, Raven? What did ya need to talk about?"

"Well, it's not easy to say," I began. "But something just happened and I need your opinions on it." Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg all nodded to show their understanding. "So, not too long ago, literally not even twenty minutes ago, Beast Boy and I had a fight."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I know. Another day, another fight, but this one was bad, really bad. This one really hurt Beast Boy and it really hurt me too."

"So what happened?" asked Robin.

"Basically, I came up with an idea to get my memories back. I thought a lot about how I could trigger my memories to cure my amnesia, and about what you said, Robin. I've thought a lot about how I could get my memories back in a way where I could _remember_ them, not just read or learn about it. Well, that got me thinking. I can't remember something unless I know about something, and to know about something, I'll have to learn about it, right? Sounds weird, I know, but sometimes you do know something but you don't know you know it until you learn about it again, right? Until something reminds you about it. Do you get what I'm saying?

"That's the whole point of triggering my memories. I'm sure that deep down, somewhere in my mind, I _do_ remember what happened and I _do_ remember why it happened. I just need to remind myself that I know it. I just need to relearn it in a way that triggers my memories and the best way to trigger memories in general is using the senses. Smell, taste, touch… They all can provoke memories, but sight and sound can be the most powerful, and I think I figured out how I can use both of these to cure my amnesia."

"How?" wondered Starfire.

"By going into your minds," I told them.

I watched their reactions carefully to make sure that I wasn't scaring anybody. After all, the last time I had told someone this, we ended up yelling at each other. When they all appeared to be more curious than fearful of my proposal, I went on to explain it.

"I can go into your bodies, just like what I did with Robin, but with a bigger focus on your conscience. Now, I haven't done this before, but I know it can be done. All I have to do is go through your minds and find that place in time when the incident happened. I can watch history unfold from your eyes and all of the emotions and the feelings and the sensations that you felt in your memories could trigger my _own_ memories. At least, that's what I think could happen if it's done right…

"But that's what I wanted to ask all of you. I really want to go through with this, but when I told Beast Boy my idea, he got upset. He wouldn't let me into his mind and I got mad and stormed away. That's when I almost bumped into you, Cyborg. I just want to know. What do you guys think? Do you think this is a good idea? Do you think this could help me? Or do you think Beast Boy is right after all."

The Titans exchanged looks of interest. Cyborg raised an eyebrow and Robin pouted, giving a little shrug. Starfire seemed very considerate of the problems and the risks, but she had the same answer as the other two Titans.

"Well," stalled Robin. "I gotta admit: it sounds intimidating when you say it, but knowing you, I think it can be done."

"You think so?"

"Yeah! I don't think it's gonna be fun for any of us, but you've gone inside my mind before. I'm sure you can do it again on Beast Boy. You said Beast Boy doesn't like this idea, right?"

"Yeah. He hates it. He won't let me anywhere near his mind."

"Look, I can talk to BB for ya," Cyborg offered. "It's no problem. I'll get him to his senses."

"I've been meaning to talk to him again," I said. "But we shouldn't bother him. He's already upset. I want to wait for him, but I also feel like now I'm pressed for time. I don't want to wait! If we have an idea and if we think it could work, why wait? I want my memories back as soon as I can get them! But Beast Boy is still so upset. He won't let me do anything! If I don't talk to him, he won't talk to me. If I talk to him, he won't want to talk to me. I'm in a dilemma and I don't know what to do…"

"Well, for what it is worth, we believe your idea is a good idea, Friend Raven," responded Starfire.

"Really?"

"Yes. Of course. We believe this idea may prompt the memories that your amnesia has obstructed and we wish to assist you. Unfortunately, we cannot assist you yet."

"Why not?"

"You must see the memories of Beast Boy before you see our memories."

"Yeah. Beast Boy _is_ your boyfriend, after all," Robin added. "You two have been through a lot and he's seen a lot more than us. If you need to go into our minds to trigger your memories, Beast Boy's mind should be the first to go. After that, our memories wouldn't be that much different, maybe even less than what you saw in Beast Boy."

I sighed bitterly. I could understand the Titans' reasoning and although I agreed with them, it was still frustrating to me. It meant that I needed to go into Beast Boy's mind before I could go into the minds of Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg. To make matters worse, Beast Boy was completely against the idea of letting me into his mind.

I couldn't imagine him agreeing so readily after our argument. I would have to wait for his consent, but there was doubt that he would ever consent to my idea. If Beast Boy continued to refuse consent and if the Titans continued to adhere to this condition, then I never would've cured my amnesia.

"So I guess that's it then," I croaked. "I guess all I can do now is wait and hope that Beast Boy will change his mind."

"Don't worry. I'm sure Beast Boy will come around," Robin encouraged me.

"I don't know. He seemed very upset with me, maybe even scared of me."

"Well, it's not like I had fun with you being inside of me."

"Do you people think I don't feel bad enough about it already?!"

"No no! Raven, that's not what I meant. I mean, it's not easy for either of us, alright? Beast Boy _does_ have a reason to be scared and I can relate. I can't tell you how long I've waited to break the ice about you possessing people, and knowing that I had to be your first candidate was kinda terrifying. It had nothing to do with me not trusting you. It's just-"

"My powers," I finished. "My creepy, freaky, evil powers."

"Your powers are not evil, Friend Raven," Starfire insisted.

"They sure feel like it."

"But do not let this confuse you. It matters not how they appear, only how they are used. You have used your powers for good, Friend Raven. This does not make you evil."

"But Beast Boy is still afraid of me. I could sense the fear and adrenalin in him. That's why he won't let me go inside his mind."

"I don't think that's why he's saying no," Robin told me. "I think he's afraid of what you'll find in there and honestly, I think we're all afraid of that too."

* * *

I confined myself to my bedroom after I had spoken with the three Titans. It was the end of the road. I felt like I was stuck at an intersection that diverged in completely opposite directions. I had the option to go one way or the other way, but I couldn't come to a decision. Either I wait for Beast Boy to consent or I encourage him again and again until he gives consent, and neither direction had a promising destination.

_Maybe you should go and talk to him._

"I don't know if I can, Affection," I said. "You saw how mad he was. He looked terrified of me."

_But you can't wait forever for his consent!_

_Then forget his consent!_ Rude shouted. _Just go into his mind anyway!_

"No! I won't!"

_Why not? He can't stop you. He's too weak to stop you._

"Stop saying that!"

_Raven is correct,_ Wisdom announced. _Raven must acquire consent before she attempts to enter the mind of another. It would be unethical, as well as dangerous to Raven and her victim._

"I'm not going inside of _anybody_ unless they let me," I clarified. "I'm just frustrated that they won't let me! What do I have to do to let Beast Boy let me do this?!"

_I wouldn't let me do this,_ Timid whispered. _It's too scary. Something bad could happen._

"Don't you think it's bad enough that I _don't_ know what happened? Beast Boy and Robin and Starfire and Cyborg all know what happened to me. They watched me do something so horrible, something that I wouldn't do, and I don't remember doing it. I have to get to the bottom of this. I have to figure out why it happened and why I don't remember it, but I can't do that without-"

At that moment, a knock on the door prevented me from finishing my diatribe. I had completely forgotten that I was speaking aloud so anybody could've heard what I was saying. Blushing profusely, I hurried across the room and started apologizing about all the noise, but when I opened the door, I went silent.

"Beast Boy."

"Hey, Raven. Can we talk?"

I immediately assumed that the mechanical man had something to do with this.

"Look, I'm sorry. Cyborg wasn't supposed to tell you. I told him not to bother you but-"

"I didn't talk to Cy about this. I came here all on my own."

"You did?"

Beast Boy nodded. "Can I come in?"

I stepped aside and allowed the pea-green boy to enter my bedroom. He walked across the room while I shut the door and locked it for privacy. Beast Boy then asked me to sit down and I did so on the edge of my bed. He stood over me, carefully contemplating his words, while I fiddled with my hands in my lap. I didn't feel prepared to talk about this again and neither did Beast Boy.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I thought a lot about what you said," he replied. "I know how much your amnesia means to you so I came here to tell you that… that I wanna go through with this. I'll let you go inside my mind to see what I saw at the incident and hopefully afterwards, you'll have your memories of the incident too."

"Wait. Are you serious?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know," I stumbled. "You were very clear about _not_ letting me into your mind. Why are you suddenly agreeing to my idea?"

"It doesn't matter now, does it?" he asked. "You want your memories back, don't you? So let's do it. We can do it right now if you want."

"I don't get it."

"What's there to get?"

"I don't get you," I said. "I don't understand. Why are you agreeing to this?"

"Because you'll get your memories back."

"Since when have you cared?"

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Beast Boy retorted.

"Beast Boy, you were _completely_ against this idea! An hour ago, you acted like my idea meant the end of the world, and now you come here all excited and ready for me to go into your mind? Do you expect me to _not_ be suspicious?"

"I'm just doing what you want. I'm trying to help you, Raven!"

"I thought you didn't want to help!"

"Well what I want doesn't matter here!"

I was taken back by Beast Boy's loud voice. He instantly regretted it and he shut his eyes, regaining his composure.

"It's not that I don't care about your amnesia," he said slowly. "I do, I do care about your amnesia, but what I care more about is your happiness. I care about you being happy, Rae. That's always been my priority. Whatever it was, no matter what I had to go through to keep you happy, I would do it and I would do it for you, even if it meant having to lie or betray someone. You know I would do it.

"It's true. I have been very worried about your memories lately. I wanted you to remember our time together, to remember everything we've been through, but there are so many memories that I want you to forget too. Sometimes I feel like you'd be happier with your amnesia. I really do. Please don't get mad. I just feel like… You've changed so much, Raven, and not all of it is bad. Yeah, you've forgotten what it's like to be a Teen Titan and you've forgotten how to control your powers, but there's this side of you that I haven't seen before. There's this side of you that's dark and warm and cluttered, and it only opened up to me when you lost your memory.

"I don't know what to say. I love you, Raven. I've always loved you, and seeing you fall in love with me again, even when you didn't know who I was a few months ago, makes me so happy. I'm so happy to be with you and I was so caught up in making sure you were happy too that I didn't stop to think about what you'd really want to _be_ happy.

"Just because it doesn't make _me_ happy doesn't mean it won't make _you_ happy. I know that now. You love your books and chess and knitting and tea and getting up early and listening to depressing poetry, and I can't stand any of those things! And I know you well enough to know that you still hate my cheesy jokes and my tofu and all the stupid video games I play. But that's love, isn't it? We don't love the same things, but we still come together to love each other. That's true love, Raven. I know that now and I know that I don't like this idea, but you do, and that's all the reason I need to let you do this."

"You… Do you really think that?"

Beast Boy smiled and he sat down next to me on the bed. He reached for my hand, which had been resting in my lap, and he grasped it tightly.

"I do," he said. "So I'm gonna let you do it. You can go into my mind right now and see what you need to see, do whatever you need to do."

"Right now?"

"Yeah! I won't lie: I'm scared, Raven. You're gonna hafta go pretty far and I don't know how this'll work, but I know you'll make it work. This is as good of a chance we got to get your memories back. You could do it, Raven. _We_ could do it. We can get your memories back, just like you wanted, and then you'll be happy. That's all I want. I want us to be happy and if this is the way to go, then you lead the way."

Despite how shocked I had been earlier, I couldn't contain a smile when Beast Boy said those last few words to me. I immediately gave him a hug and I thanked him over and over again. Beast Boy laughed and returned the hug, holding onto me dearly until I pulled away first.

"You ready to get your memories back?" he asked me.

I smiled harder but when I started to laugh, I actually started to cry. I covered my mouth with my hand and nodded in response to Beast Boy's question. Then I had to make sure my emotions were in control, especially since I'd be using them in just a few minutes.

"Here," I sniffed. "If we're going to do this, you better lie down."

Following my advice, Beast Boy moved into the center of my bed and reclined onto the pillows. He shifted nervously as I settled next to him, already levitating.

"Now what?"

"Well, your job is done. It's all up to me now, so this is where it gets tricky."

"Talk me through it," Beast Boy commanded me. "Talk me through what you're gonna do. That way, I'll know what to expect and you'll be ready for it too."

"Okay, so I'm going to meditate until I have access to my soul-self. Then I'm going inside of you, but I won't exactly be _controlling_ you like what I did with Robin. I'll only be in your mind, and with that being said, I'll need you to cooperate. It's okay to tell me that you feel uncomfortable‒I'll work to compensate for that‒but you can't resist too much. The more you resist, the harder it'll be to suppress you and it might cause more harm than good to the both of us. Does that make sense?"

"Kinda."

"Well, like you said, it won't be easy for either of us," I admitted. "I'm not looking forward to this out-of-body experience and I have no idea what I'm about to see in there."

"But you know where to go, right?"

"Huh?"

"You know where to go in my mind to find my memories, right? The _right_ memories, I mean."

"Sorta. It might take some searching to get to the right one, but I'm sure I can find it. I'll just need some time."

Beast Boy swallowed hard to clear his throat. I could sense his anxiety, the quivering breaths he was inhaling and the perspiration on his forehead, but he was mustering through it. Beast Boy was being courageously strong, but he still had something to fear.

"Raven, just promise me that you won't go too far, okay? Please don't go anywhere you shouldn't. Just… See what you need to see and get outta there. Please?"

I simply reached out and grabbed Beast Boy's gloved hand.

"I promise."

With nothing else to say, I filled the silence with my powerful incantation. Beast Boy kept his eyes trained on me, watching my every move as I swelled with cosmic energy. I could feel myself growing distant from this astral plane. I was becoming ungrounded within my own being, but this sensation didn't impede the immense power I was receiving from Nevermore.

After a few more moments, I was nearly weightless. I could barely feel the pressure of Beast Boy squeezing my hand since I was no longer strictly confined to my own body. A part of me had left, but another part of me had stayed, acting as an anchor so I could find my way back to my body once I was done.

Our intertwined hands were a perfect connection so I was able to travel through my arm and into Beast Boy in one fluid motion. Then, my senses heightened as I entered Beast Boy's conscience.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I know I know. I'm such a mean person for making you wait and I basically stopped the chapter at another cliffhanger and you guys want to know what happened, and I promise you. You _will_ find out what happens, but sadly, I don't think I can post again in two weeks. I might have the stretch it to three weeks again…

Now, I'm only doing this because: A) I'll be on vacation starting Thursday and I'll be gone all week, and B) the next chapter won't be so easy to write. I'm honestly excited to write it and you guys will see a lot of fluff, but I will need the time to write it. Also, after vacation, I'll basically be getting ready for college and saying goodbye to my friends before I move into my dorm. I really want that to be my main focus so unfortunately, the next chapter will need to be delayed.

On the bright side, the next time I post a chapter, I should be all set and moved into my dorm, so I'll have a lot to talk about in my next Author's Note :) Until then, feel free to leave a comment or PM me! I'm always open to suggestions, requests, and ideas for _Amnesia._ Thanks again for reading, and stay safe! I'll be back soon enough!


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